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“let’s break up.”
those words had haunted hao for the past two weeks. every single time he closed his eyes he saw hanbin’s face and once again felt the same blow to his heart.
it had been hanbin who had wanted to leave and hao had never been good at denying hanbin of anything he wanted. so he'd simply let the younger walk away and with each day that passed, there was nothing that hao could do but try to think of literally anything other than his now ex boyfriend.
the events of that day had lead to where hao was at now, covering the tear streaks on his face with makeup and throwing clothes out of his closet desperately searching for anything that didn’t have a memory of hanbin attached to it. his attempts were fruitless just as they had been every other day that week and yet again everything felt a little like the world was ending.
on a better note, hao was glad that he at least didn’t have to go out alone that night. ricky, gyuvin and jiwoong had decided to come with him because, in jiwoong’s exact words, “if you’re really going to go out and get shitfaced drunk every night and we can’t stop you, we should at least come along and make sure you’re safe.”
so the doorbell rang at 9 and ricky’s car was already parked outside as he’d assumed the role of designated driver. hao made sure he had his phone and wallet before shutting the door behind him, greeting gyuvin and jiwoong and slipping into the back seat.
“how are you feeling today?” jiwoong asked in a low voice when ricky began driving. hao kind of hated the question, he’d given the same answer every single time one of their friends had asked and he was sure that jiwoong and matthew were collecting information from him and hanbin alike.
“awful,” he decided to reply honestly and at least let himself feel a little comforted in the hand that jiwoong rested on his shoulder.
realistically, hao knew what he was doing, he knew that his reaction to the breakup wasn’t healthy but literally nothing else could take his mind off hanbin other than drinking so much that he forgot even for a moment.
hanbin didn’t seem the same, matthew had said that he had spent a lot of time at the dance studio after the breakup and that only made hao feel as if he really did make the right choice in not fighting more. he always had thought that it was him holding hanbin back from greatness.
so that had been the reason he’d agreed to the breakup. he’d had messages from hanbin’s team mates some days asking him where hanbin was, saying that the younger boy had missed yet another practice session, saying that if he wasn’t so good already he’d be majorly falling behind. upon receiving the final message, hao had glanced over at hanbin’s face as they sat in a little park at sunset and his boyfriend was telling stories from his younger days. he’d seen the way that hanbin literally shone when he spoke about his childhood dance classes and everything had just hit him all at once.
who was he to hold hanbin back?
that was quite possibly the only reason he hadn’t fought back when hanbin had asked to break up, he hadn’t wanted it and staying strong and acting like he didn’t care was quite literally the most difficult thing he had ever done but for hanbin, hao found that he could do absolutely anything.
they arrived at the club a little after quarter past nine and not even 2 minutes later hao was approaching their table with a tray of shots. “lets take it easy,” gyuvin had laughed when the older boy had set the tray down and already thrown back two of the drinks. despite the fact that the younger had tried to look like he was joking, hao saw the evident concern in his expression.
“it’s fine, what’s the point in coming out if you’re not going to drink?”
gyuvin shared a worried look with jiwoong and then ricky before sighing deeply in what sounded like resignation and taking one of the drinks himself, “whatever you say.”
it wasn’t long before hao was already a little tipsy. he’d made his way to the dance floor already and he wondered what he outwardly looked like, hao imagined how free everyone around him must have thought he was and laughed at that a little. it was impossible for him to feel free when his mind felt so much like a prison.
not long after, he found himself accompanied by jiwoong to ‘keep the weirdos away’. he was admittedly quite thankful of that as he recounted the various strange people he’d encountered on the nights he’d spent in bars and clubs that week. honestly, he knew why his friends were worried and he felt awful for making them feel that way and even worse for making them come out with him tonight but hao didn’t even want to think about what he might be like at home alone.
it wasn’t healthy and he knew it but the extent to which he loved hanbin hadn’t been healthy either and hao was only facing the consequences of allowing himself to fall so hard.
as song after song played and hao kept returning to the bar to get more drinks, everything started becoming a little hazy. it was like the whole world had flipped on it’s axis and hao found this thought quite funny, maybe everything had been backwards since hanbin had left him. maybe nothing would ever be quite the same.
he danced for a little while longer, humming along quietly to songs he knew and even those he didn’t. the minutes seemed to blur together and hao loved how mind numbing it was just standing there in the darkness and existing. it might have been for around half an hour that his mind let him find solace in the strobe lighting and loud bass but he wasn’t counting and the boy simply just didn’t want the moment to end.
it did though, as all good things always did and that was a fact that hao knew too well. the first few notes of the next song were enough for the light to leave the boy’s eyes and him to close in on himself all over again. it had been the song that hanbin had danced to the first time that hao had ever watched him in competition, it had been the one song that was always so special to both of them. why did it have to be that one song?
noticing the sudden change in hao’s expression, jiwoong quickly pulled him back to their table. ricky and gyuvin were in animated conversation but stopped immediately after taking one look at their friend’s face.
“what happened?” ricky asked to the oldest but hao answered him instead, seemingly unable to keep his emotions inside any longer.
“he left me,” he spoke out utterly defeated, “and i just let him go because i love him that much.” the muted smile on hao’s face was not one of happiness or pride but one of painful grief.
“what do you mean you let him?” gyuvin asked and ricky quickly shot him a glare but all three boys listened intently too curious and concerned to stop their friend now that he’d finally began to open up.
actually, hao hadn’t talked to anyone much about the breakup yet and all they really knew was the brief and nonsensical explanation that hanbin had given. something about hao spending less time with him so ‘i let him go’, the three other boys shared a nervous look as they began to think that maybe they had a huge misunderstanding on their hands.
“i was holding him back,” hao blurted out, “all of his team kept messaging me so i stopped hanging out with him a bit so he could go and do his dancing more and then he asked me to break up.”
the three boys fell silent at this as everything slowly dawned on them but hao just kept on talking.
“and i was going to fight him on it because i love him so much but then i just thought well, if he wants to break up and he’s realised that i’m holding him back from his passion then why should i make it harder for him? you know what people always say, the best way to show someone your love is by letting them go,” hao laughed bitterly and soullessly before taking another sip of his drink.
“but what about how you’re feeling?” ricky asked tentatively and hao’s answer came immediately.
“it doesn’t matter,” he spoke with such vigour that the others found themselves taken aback, “i’ll get over it at some point as long as he’s happy.”
the first tear fell then and hao cursed himself for getting so emotional, gyuvin quickly ran off to get some napkins from the bar and by the time he got back hao was already a mess. jiwoong wrapped an arm around his shoulder in a desperate attempt to get the younger to calm down but it was to no avail, it was like a dam had broke and hao was just utterly helpless.
“i just,” the boy spoke trying to fight his words out through his sobs, “i’d love one more day with him, do you think he’d let me?”
“hao-“ ricky started but the older cut him off.
“i’m gonna call him,” hao announced and panic flashed through jiwoong’s eyes.
“i don’t think that’s a good idea,” he attempted to reason but hao just looked up at him with tearful eyes so full of pain that the oldest felt his heart break a little too in pure empathy.
“why not? it can’t make things worse can it?”
they sat in silence as hao searched for his phone but when he finally freed it from his pocket jiwoong swiftly took it from him, “i’ll call him instead okay?”
hao sighed and nodded before jiwoong walked out of the room.
calling hanbin was not an easy task, the oldest didn’t have a clue what to say but he knew that hao wouldn’t rest that night until he saw his ex and maybe even through this messed up forced reunion they might be able to fix things. it was a long shot but after seeing his friend’s state, it was a long shot that jiwoong was willing to take.
the phone rang a few times before an out of breath hanbin finally picked up, “hao?” he questioned and jiwoong could hear the tension in his voice.
“hi hanbin, it’s jiwoong,” the older replied quickly.
“oh,” hanbin spoke out but his voice now seemed devoid of any emotion at all, “is everything alright?”
jiwoong just took a deep breath before speaking again, “it’s about hao.”
he heard hanbin inhale sharply through the phone, “what is it? is he okay? what happened?”
“he’s a bit drunk and he was going to call you,” jiwoong began but hanbin only cut him off.
“what?” he asked incredulously.
“he said he just wants one more day with you,” the older huffed before thinking fuck it and speaking again, “hanbin it doesn’t take a genius to know that he loves you so much and you love him too, you need to talk and you need to talk about how neither of you wanted to break up that day and you both did it thinking you were performing some kind of true act of love letting each other ago.”
“what do you mean he still loves me?” hanbin questioned and jiwoong could physically hear the pain in his voice, “he didn’t even want to see me anymore.”
“this is what you need to talk about, it’s really not my place to mediate between you two but he had his reasons and you have to communicate because both of you are doing what you think is best for each other and it’s destroying you,” jiwoong sent every single one of his thoughts down the phone and it was barely a second before hanbin answered.
“where are you?”
—
jiwoong waited outside for the younger boy to arrive and he did not even 10 minutes later. the older stopped him before he ran into the bar, “he’s drunk so tonight just take him home but talk to him in the morning and i mean it, figure this out because this isn’t what either of you want.”
hanbin nodded quickly before all but running into the bar. he scanned the room before his eyes landed on hao, ricky and gyuvin in the corner. it was the first time he’d seen the older for two weeks and if he was honest, hao looked a mess. yes, he was still beautiful, he was always beautiful but this version of hao looked defeated and lost and hanbin would move mountains just to see him smile again.
after a deep breath, he made his way to the table not even caring about the weird looks he was getting for turning up at a bar in his practice clothes, it was only hao that mattered right now.
when he finally reached them, hanbin just stared for a moment watching as hao’s eyes lit up for a split second as they landed on him, “hanbin, you came.”
“of course,” he managed to breathe out, “lets go home.”
hao didn’t protest at all as he stood up and nearly fell into hanbin’s side. the younger instinctively wrapped an arm around his waist to steady him and just as he was about to retract it he felt hao’s hand on his keeping it there. “don’t,” hao spoke so quietly that among all of the noise hanbin hardly heard it but he did and he kept his hand in its place as they navigated together through the crowd.
both were silent as they walked, hao was too drunk to think and hanbin too afraid to utter a word. instead, they found their way to hanbin’s car and spent the drive back to his apartment wordlessly. it was only when the door was shut behind them, hanbin had managed to get hao lying on his bed and was grabbing him a glass of water that the older finally spoke.
“why did you come?” he breathed out, a little slurred.
hanbin stalled at the words and he looked back to see hao watching him intently, it seemed that he’d sobered up a little bit during the drive but still not enough to have the conversation that they so desperately needed to.
“because i wanted to,” hanbin replied simply although the weight of those words made it not so simple at all, “lets talk in the morning,” he settled on saying as he handed the glass over.
hao took a long drink before sighing deeply and flopping back down onto hanbin’s bed. just as the younger was about to move and set up a makeshift bed on the couch, hao’s hand caught his wrist and the look that the older gave him was so full of pain, heartbreak and the tiniest bit of hope that hanbin felt his heart snap in two, “don’t go.”
“i won’t.” hanbin replied embarrassingly quickly.
he didn’t. even as his heart stuttered when hao cuddled against him, even as he had to stop himself from wrapping his arms around the older and never letting go, even as the sun rose and he’d barely gotten an hours sleep, hanbin didn’t leave.
it was 10am when hao’s eyes finally opened. hanbin watched as he squinted at the sunlight seeping through the crack in the curtains and saw as confusion then realisation flashed through his eyes. “hanbin,” he spoke out and the younger panicked a little then.
what if jiwoong had been wrong? what if hao really didn’t love him anymore? what if everything was just going to get worse?
“we need to talk,” hanbin settled on saying and hao nodded slowly.
“let me wake up a bit first,” the older replied and it all felt a little too domestic and normal after that. hanbin got up from the bed to get hao yet another glass of water and a couple of painkillers before cooking them a simple breakfast. they ate in silence but the tension was thick in the air and hanbin just wanted it all to end, even as they cleared up neither spoke and in the end it was hao who threw caution to the wind as they sat down on the sofa.
“why did you come?” he repeated his words from the night before, “really.”
“you said you wanted to spend one more day with me,” hanbin breathed softly and he watched as something in the expression of the boy he loved so much cracked.
“oh,” hao stuttered over the word, “is that all?”
hanbin couldn’t let them misunderstand each other again, “no.”
“why then?”
“jiwoong said you still love me,” the younger let out the very thing that had been bothering him most, now was the time for honesty and either way he could either find some form of closure or win back his happiness. despite not knowing what would come from the conversation, hanbin knew that it needed to happen and he was ready to give explanations and make things right no matter how much it hurt him, “is it true?”
hao fell silent then and hanbin was beginning to think that jiwoong had got it all wrong until the older took a sip of his water and placed the glass back down gently as if it would break from the slightest tap, “what if it is?”
hope bloomed in hanbin’s heart but he desperately tried to fight it back down, hao was still holding his cards close to his chest and hanbin needed to cool his expression until he was entirely sure that he was reading everything correctly. “if it was true,” he began and looked up at hao to see if he could gauge any kind of reaction but there was none, the other had never been easy to read, “then i’d tell you i never stopped loving you and i don’t think i ever could.”
hao began sniffling then and hanbin quickly grabbed some tissues from the coffee table and handed them to him, “i don’t get it,” the older spoke through his tears, “why did you end it?”
hanbin just felt confused, “you were pulling away, wasn’t that what you wanted?”
hao stared back at him incredulously, “no, i let you do it because i thought that was what you wanted.”
hanbin couldn’t help but laugh even though there was no humour in it, it was more like a sad mix of relief and disbelief and neither of them could believe that this was really happening, that this had really happened, “so we broke up because we thought that was what each other wanted and really neither of us wanted it?”
“shit,” hao cursed, “we did.”
hanbin just stared back at the boy in front of him for a few seconds before reaching to engulf him in a tight hug. he hadn’t realised that he’d been holding back his emotions until he felt hao’s arms wrap around him, he’d missed the safety, the love, the affection, everything. “i don’t want to be apart from you anymore,” hanbin whispered, “i don’t want to be apart from you ever again.”
hao pulled back then so that they faced each other, tearful eyes meeting tearful eyes, “me either, ever.”
—
that night the two boys lay cuddled up on hanbin’s sofa. they were supposed to be watching some animated movie that hao had always loved but it was long forgotten with the two boys just talking about anything and everything that came into their minds.
“you know, when everyone told me you were dancing all the time i was worried about you, i kept paying matthew to come and give you food,” hao admitted and hanbin pressed a soft kiss to his cheek causing the older to giggle.
“i thought it was weird of him but i just thought he was concerned,” hanbin laughed, “thank you though, it did make me feel better.”
“i’m glad,” hao smiled, “and i’m glad that ricky won’t be calling me insufferable everyday anymore, he was so sick of me it was actually sad to watch.”
“he called me the exact same thing,” hanbin spoke out, belatedly offended, “maybe we were though.”
“probably,” hao agreed.
“lets be worse from now on,” hanbin laughed and pulled his boyfriend in for a kiss.