Archive of Our Own ^beta

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XX/XX/XXXX

Dear Narrator,

I miss you. This world is strange, and it’s weird not being able to hear your voice. The people are loud and they make me uncomfortable, so I spend most of my free time in my apartment.

There are times where I have to use my voice to get my point across and I didn don’t like having to do that. I hate forgetting that not everyone can read my mind.

XX/XX/XXXX

I found this necktie in my closet while doing some snooping. It reminds me of what I used to wear in the Parable. It’s black and it’s basic, but you’d probably say something like “It suits you.” or “You look rather handsome dashing today.

...I really miss you.

XX/XX/XXXX

I watched a lightning storm for the first time the other night. It was scary at first because of how diffr different it was, but I lightened up pretty quickly and now I love stormy weather.

It’s neat how one strike of electricity can light up the entire night sky, kind of like how one choice can affect an entire story. I know you would’ve liked it.

XX/XX/XXXX

The thought of not being able to ever hear your voice again is terrifying. Almost as terrifying as the entire concept of the Parable itself.

I’m not complaining or anything It’s nice being able to look at myself in the mirror, knowing that I’m a real person, with a reflection with feet I can look down at, but I don’t feel any less trapped then I did when we were still together.

I need to sit down.

XX/XX/XXXX

The change of scenery is nice. Certainly don’t miss the empty grays of the carpets and the piss yellow-stained walls. Actually, I came across a few ferns and some of the flowers that grew in the Memory Zone. I bought a few for my apartment. I know you would’ve loved them.

I’m gonna name the first plant to sprout after you.

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XX/XX/XXXX

I know I shouldn’t be complaining… I’m free . I can jump and do whatever the hell I want without you nagging me– burat beradin d beratting me for wanting to think for myself, but still.

The more time passes, the more I wish you were here, telling me to follow the Stanley Parable Adventure Line™ or trying to blow me up– all of it. It gave me purpose.

XX/XX/XXXX

…I keep the bucket around. In fact, I found I’ve been holding it more than usual. You’ve never actually got to hold it, did you ? Let me describe it for you.

 An overwhelming wave of calm washes over me and suddenly, nothing else matters… For the first time in what feels like an eternity, I actually feel okay … It numbs the pain. (Ignore that)

Of course– I can’t have the bucket around all the time. We escaped the Parable around a month ago now, but during that time, I've been doing basically nothing, and— I need to start picking up hobbys hobbies or I am going to lose it.

XX/XX/XXXX

I am just now realizing I don’t have a job. As of recent, I’ve been running low on money and I’m starting to worry I’ll completely run out.

Obviously, this wasn’t a problem back in the Parable. You made a game without currency, so I never really had a reason to keep track of the stuff.

I am currently looking for a job— staying away from the office related ones. I don’t have a resume or anything to show for when I do find something I’m interested in, but right now I can’t seem to find shit.

XX/XX/XXXX

I wonder if you’re still making games here... Wherever you are. If so, please, please, PLEASE add some kind of currency system in it. 

I’d feel bad if some other poor video game progonist portage main character ended up where I am now.

XX/XX/XXXX

Ok, ok— Update. One of the ferns sprouted today. I’ve been watering them weekly, and they just started sprouting, and some of the flowers have been too! The daisies and the ly lilacs I think?

I’m gonna water them again!

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XX/XX/XXXX

Ryder Rider.

That appears to be my lastname last name. 

This morning, I rummaged through some things that are apparently mine, and I found an old yearbook. A bunch of them, actually and “Stanley Rider” was written under the horribly punk teenager that had my face. 

Thank god I haven’t inherited any memories from that time.

XX/XX/XXXX

I am just now noticing all of the theatre theater related things I have hanging around my apartment. Mostly books and posters and what not.

A lot of them come from the same author, too.

Never really thought of myself as thea theatrical type, d but I’m not completely against it, I guess. I’m just surprised I don’t have a lot of gaming stuff, but I guess that’s what happens when you're broke.

XX/XX/XXXX

It’s raining… again. I like being able to see the weather now. I’ve found that the rain helps calm my anci anxiety. So does tea, gardening, etc, etc. 

I still wish you were here to expi experience the weather with me… The rain brings peace, but the night brings nothing but lonely darkness. 

I’m so cold. 

XX/XX/XXXX  

I was in the city today. Not doing anything in particular, just walking around and taking in the sights. We had nothing like this back in the Parable…

It’s still so surreal. Sometimes, I worry this is all a dream, and one day I’ll just wake up at my desk.

The thought of hearing your voice again is nice, though.

I had to rush home from my visit to the city. Another storm was closing in, and I didn’t wanna get wet. When I got home though, I thought it’d be a good idea for the plants to get some extra water instead of the rain going to waste.

Right now, I’m sitting in the corner of my patio balcony, watching the rain fall and praying none of the water soaks the paper I’m righting writing this on. 

Now— Before you start nagging me, I made myself some coffee to drink so I wouldn’t be freezing out here. It’s nice being able to actually drink it, instead of just staring at the coffee mash machine and hoping one day I’ll get to try it. 

Every so often, I’ll rest my cheek in my hand and I’ll close my eyes and when I do, I see you. You’re watching the rain, the plants, and smiling at me, telling me about your day and how wonderful everything is, and when I open my eyes, I’m met with 

I wonder what kind of coffee you like.

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XX/XX/XXXX

I went out for coffee, and you’ll never believe who I saw. 

It’s her.

Mary Mariella, right??

It was just us who left the Parable, I didn’t realize she’d be here too… 

Holy shit– Are the others here? Are they all this close?? God– If I had known, I would’ve started looking sooner. I can’t believe I’ve never thought of that! And–

…

…I think she saw me stare staring.

She’s coming over, hang on–

That… went a lot better than I thought it wood would. 

She questioned me for staring. I tried explaining myself, but she realized pretty quickly that I wasn’t the talking type.

She pulled a chair up and told me her name with a smile. I already knew her name, but I couldn’t say that– At least, not without sounding like a creep.

I signed my name back. Thank god she actually understood sign. Still not really good with the whole “verbal communici communication” thing, but y’know how it is. 

The conversation we had was lovely, by the way.

 I gave her what little background I had. My name is Stanley Ry Rider, I grew up in this town, and I am currently unemployeed unemployed. It’s nothing exciting really, but it’s all I got.

From what Mariella told me, her last name is Holder, and she’s married to a woman named Karina Curina. She’s a receptionist for a local inteljent intelligent intelligence agency, and apparently, they have a bunch of open positions if I was ever interested.

…I know she’s trying to be nice, but I don’t even have a resume. I can’t really get a job if I don’t have anything to show for it, but she just shrugged and told me we could always write one up.

…Now that I think about it; if the others are this close, you must be too. Intelligence agencies are known for having information on people, right? I don’t know your name, but I know what you look like, and that’s better than nothing at all, right??

What if this is an opportunity for me to find you?

XX/XX/XXXX

There isn’t a day where something isn’t different with the plants. They’ve all gotten so big since I’ve gotten them.

To think that only after like 2 months, I’d have my own little garden growing on my balcony. Maybe one day, I’ll have my own memory zone, minus the photos of me being dead and the awards.

Maybe another day, I’ll get to share with you.

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XX/XX/XXXX

I think I’m gonna let my hair grow out a bit.

I’ve been getting haircuts consis constantly on the off chance I run into you. I wanna look nice when it happens, y’know? But a decent haircut is like $15-20 dollars . Do you know how many buckets I could get if I didn’t get a haircut for like 3 months?

Not saying that I’m gonna replace the bucket or anything, I’m not that crazy.

I wonder if you’re into guys with longer hair.

XX/XX/XXXX

I’ve done some more thinking about Mariella’s offer, and I think I’m ready to take that chance.

First off— I need the money. I can’t keep living like this. Things are really, really expensive, like rent, and electi electric bills, and haircuts, and milk. It’s a mess.

Second… If you really are out there, then I need to find you. The truth is, I still haven’t adjusted to the “realw “real world”, if you can even call it that.

It’s hard getting up in the morning when I know my daily rotee routine is: Wake up, eat, muck around, eat again, sleep. I can’t live like this. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t— It’s almost exactly like the Pari Parable. The only thing that’s missing is you. 

The only things even slightly giving me motivation are the plants, and the promise of a future rain, and the bucket. It doesn’t even talk to me! It just sits there, all nice and warm and comforting, but at the end of the day, it can’t love me back. The only reason I keep it around is because I got it from you, and that’s more than the Parable’s ever given me. 

A gift from you or not, it’s a reminder that I’m fucking crazy and it hurts.

I apologized to the bucket. It didn’t do anything, and I shouldn’t have gotten so upset. It’s not like it wanted to be here in the first place.

I think that’s enough thinking for tonight.

Goodnight, Nara Narrator.

I miss you.

XX/XX/XXXX

It rained last night while I was asleep. 

I went out to the balcony to check on the plants, and they were completely fine. Great, even.

Their stems are firm now. I’ve done some rees research, and I believe they should start to grow the actual flowers soon. 

I wonder if you grew the flowers in the Memory Zone yourself. Would you have the patience? Probably not Thinking about it now, you’d probably hate dirt.

I’m getting side tracked— Soon enough, I’ll have actual flowers and I can’t wait :)

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XX/XX/XXXX

I called Mariella. 

She reiterr reet reiterated that she’d be happy to help me with writing a job application. I plan on going over to her place over the weekend to actually write it.

I’m worried about the fact that I don’t have any previous experiences working, but she, again, said it’d be fine and then hung up.

I’ve been snooping around the apartment more for high school diplomas and things I could put on a resume.

I don’t even know when my birthday is.

I really hope we can pull this off.

I’m sitting in bed now, half asleep and cold. Very cold.

Why is it so cold? It’S spring time and I’m all bundled up and shit. Its not like the plans are cold or anyting. They just sit outside in the rain and they don’t say anything to anyone

Is not like they can’t talk, Im just saying it The fern cant’s talk 

Its so lonly here. l don’t like it, I don’t lik it, I dont like it I don’t I don’t I don’t. It’s like having to live the skip button ending over and over an over and over with no ending and when I dont know when I’m gonna see you again, I wanna go back, i can’t, I can

I’m so sad

Shit, I fell asleep.

XX/XX/XXXX

Just got back from Mariella’s place and holy shit.

Holy shit.

She’s MARRIED to the Curater Curator! And their house kinda looks like the museum!

I didn’t even think about that! One moment, I’m walking around the house with Mariella, and the next, I hear another voice from the Parable, and then Mariella introduces me to her WIFE and we shok shake hands.

The Curator shook my hand.

I never even imagined what she looked like and now she’s right in front of me… Did you know what she looked like?

If you didn’t, let me tell you— She’s this older, taller lady, with braided hair in a bun and glasses. She had this white, summer dress on and she and Mariella looked so, so happy…

If she’s here, than you must be! She has a face and a name and— AH, I’M so happy!!!

I’m getting side tracked sidetracked.

Writing went well, I think. While the application itself isn’t the most impressive, it has enough written on it for it to actually seem like it is.

I’m proud of myself, I need to show you when I find you. :)

XX/XX/XXXX

The plants sprouted their first buds!

Oh, they’re so small, but the plants are so big now! They’re big and they’re beautiful and I love them!!

I’ve put a lot of blood, sweet sweat, and tears into this little garden. Reckon it’s time I go to the Dollar store and buy a plant dad mug. If there aren’t any, I’ll make one and I think you know that.

I’m feeling good.

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XX/XX/XXXX 

So, as it turns out;

The heater in my fuckig fucking apartment broke.

That's why I've been so cold and I’m pissed off annoyed because I don’t know anything about how it's supposed to work when it's not broken and I don’t have the money to buy a new one right now.

Adulting adultering? sucks. I'm so annoyed >:(

My local grocery store was closed, so I went shopping at a Walmart(?) 

(Is that what it was called?)

They didn't just have food, they had cloths clothes and fishing gear and gardening tools (I bought myself a little shovel). They even had a section for video games. No Stanley Parable, which was kinda weird.

I dunno, the way you talked about it made it sound really big. Like-- The biggest video game in the whole world but my face isn't plastr plastered on anything (thank god).

These games look funny, though. There's this one with a really tough looking cow boy cowboy with a gun and in the isle over there's one with little animal people on an island. Why couldn't I be a cowboy or a silly, little, animal dude? That'd be so funny.

I'm home now.

I bought a couple of the games.

There were the 2 I brought up earlier, then I went and found the weird, cube game you through threw me in. 

Minecraft?

Really?

And then there's the one with the little, inky cartoon guy. 

I have absolutely no idea what any of these are about, but I'm excited! When I get home, I really, really wanna try the animal one, I'll keep you updated.

I don't have a console.

Fuck me.

Asking Mariella if she has any I can burrow borrow, I can fix this--

I don't know what a PS4 is, but she has one and it doesn't run the animal game. I'm so upset.

It does run the other games though. 

She told me she has Minecraft on her PC, but we both have "bedrock" so we could play together.

I don't know what any of this means.

I wonder if you even know what any of this means.

That shovel I bought it gonna be really handy soon.

I'm gonna go back to the store and buy a new planter for them. I don't really like the look of the current one.

Course, I can’t change it until after the flowers wilt, so I’m stuck with this one until then.

Maybe I could paint it? Or do something nice with it in general? 

Not really an artsy guy, but y'know.

Plant dad.

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XX/XX/XXXX  

I haven't written one of these in a while.

Hi, Narry.

I got the job.

I'm not going to go too into detail about what happened during the inner interview, but let's just say I had to make a bunch up about myself and that got me here.

Sitting in another office building.

Pushing buttons.

At least I'm not alone anymore. 

I can actually hear people around me: walking and talking and laughing amoungst among themselves. 

Thinking about it now, I hardly remember the face of the co-workers you created for my story, if they ever existed. I have vagi vague impressions of what everyone was like, but I couldn't name any names. Just numbers and oddly spes specific facial features, like--

Did you know that 239 and 528 have the exact same mole on their face? Just under the right side of their bottom lip.

And 167. She had her hair bleached from black once. Nobody recognized her. 

When the boss went up to her, he thought she was 396. They never stopped joking about that.

Course-- None of them actually said anything to me. Ever.

They thought I was weird.

But the people here don't seem to be like that!

We can't make much conversation because talking makes me want to pull my hair out, but an acknowledging wave and a smile is all I need.

There is this one guy who keeps coming around my desk, though. They've got a curly mullet and they always seem kind of out of it, but when they aren't, they're quite the character.

This is already 100 times better than your STINKY Parable. 

That was a joke,

Kinda.

This office reminds me more of the office you used for the expo anyways.

And before I forget, I started a couple of the games I bot bought.

I've been playing Minecraft the most so far because I'm bad at shooting things and I dunno how I feel about horror.

Once I earn enough money to buy a "Switch", I'm gonna buy one and play the hell out of that animal game. Mark my words.

The flowers have sprouted. As I sit on my porch balcony, I get to watch the petals flow in the wind while the sun shines down on them.

It's like they're the stars of their own little world, and I get to be their audience.

Thhe daisies and the lilacs huddled against one another, the ferns are looking big and strong, and the yellow camellias are in the middle and sticking out among the rest.

Call me crazy, but this is what I call art.

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XX/XX/XXXX - 

My break just started, so I'm taking the time to write "talk" to you:

Hi Helloooooo, how are you?

I'm good! Work's been going good.

I'm sorry if it's loud. I'm sitting in the cafeteria right now.

I tried picking the quietest place to sit, but you know how people are; confusing and talking about current events beyond my comprehensh comprehenso compru anything I could ever understand.

As it turns out, I do have access to people's personal informu information; nothing too weird, just first names, last names, emails, birthdays, etc. 

The question right now is how far are they gonna let me dig without losing my job or coming off as a creep.

I'm gonna ask Mariella more about it. Not sure if she has any more power than I do, but she definitely knows more than I do about all this.

Her and her wife are good by the way. She eats lunch at her desk, so I'm here by myself unless Jim decides they want to come down here.

Spo Speaking of, I have tacos for lunch today. Soft shell.

Nothing fancy, more something I threw together in a hurry, but it's not bad. Can you cook?

The games I've been playing are interesting, nothing like the game we you made for me.

Minecraft and the other game, the animal one-- They don't have narratives at all.

They don't even really have talking. Just sound effects are music that scares the shit out of me when I'm in caves.

And the Cowboy one (Red Dead?) is an open-world adventure game that I can play in the 3rd person.

I can actually see my guy running around which is kinda weird (I play in first person).

There are so many places I can go, so many people to talk to-- and rob.

Never would've expected the game about cowboys to have an important money system.

I blew all my money on my Horse.

His name is Bucket.

I still don't know your name. 

I wonder what your name is. Was it something that started with an N? Like Narrator?

- Nick

- Nigel

- Nathan

- Nolan

- Narcissus

- Nova

- Noel

Or, was it something else?

- Jerald

- Andrew

- Kris

- Ramos

- Stanley

It would be weird if your name was also Stanley.

What the hell am I talking about?

Shit, lunch is about to end, I'll talk to you later.

I love you

Chapter Text

Hello, Everyone!

It is with a heavy heart that I tell all of you that I am going on hiatus.

It has been a very stressful couple of months; I’m not going to go too into detail, but something happened with a close friend. They were the one who introduced me to Stanley Parable, and we had a falling out and ever since I’ve been kind of distant from then fandom— which makes me really sad because I really do love this fandom, and it doesn’t have anything to do with what happened between me and said person.

Alongside that, life as a whole has been kicking my ass since the Joe Hawley doc dropped.

However— I have been getting better! And I’d really love to have this fic finished and fully posted on Ao3.

I just need to write everything down first instead of you guys waiting for me to have enough motivation to write—

Thank you all for being so kind and supportive!!! I’m really happy you’re all invested in the little story I have to tell and care so much for Stanley. ❤️❤️❤️

Maybe I’ll make another fic that’s dedicated to you guys just talking to him (/silly).

Until then, I’ll see you all on the flipside. /ref

-Stanley

Now for the fun part.

(Stanley in the Parable)

(Current Stanley \\ He hasn't had a haircut in a couple months)

(Mariella and her wife, Curina)

(Jim. Jim. Jim. Jim. Jim--)

(And lastly, my version of the Narrator! I will not be using this version of him in the story, but he is very nice to look at.)

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XX/XX/XXXX

I feel like I'm having the worst time of my life, and that's saying a lot.

I've fallen back into the same cycle I was in when I got here and I hate it.

I'm so sad.

It's wake up, get br dressed, eat, go to work, get hm home, check on the plants, sleep, repeat.

I hate feeling useless.

Your words, as ang agonizing as they made me feel sometimes, gave me purpose.

Without you, I feel adrift.

Alone at the edge of the universe.

I need to hear you:

Music can't drown out the constant arc aching anymore.

Every lyric reminds me of you.

Every strum of the strings and pound on the drums makes me dream of your intruquet intrequet introcet detailed words.

Sad songs make me sad.

Happy songs make me wonder how I could possibly be happy without purpose.

I miss your soft voice and sharp words.

I miss you.

I need to feel you:

The Parable took any form of physical contact away from me.

I've always dreamed of getting to share thus this life with you.

A life where you get to hold me safe and warm and I do the same for you.

Waking up every day everyday: alone and in a bed built for two makes me sick.

Whether touch will cure me of this disease is far beyond anything I could ever understand,

But at this point, I either want to wake up with you or sleep forever and dance with you in my dreams.

I need to see you:

In the short amount of time I got to see you, I've fallen so deeply in love with you it hurts.

I long to caress your narrow cheeks and stare into your forest, green eyes,

run my hands threw through your silver hair as you smile at me,

push your glasses back up so they're sitting on your noise nose properly.

I'd give anything to see that soft frame again.

As I write this, I sit on my balcony, staring out into the city. 

It's raining again: not too hard, not too heavy. Just rain.

I watch water droplets land on the leaves of my garden.

My computer is off to the side and playing classical music. I have so much work to do, but I needed a break.

I'm not going back inside tonight.

I have my comforter wrapped around my shoulders, and the bucket sitting in the chair next to me.

It's not going to be comfortable, but with my plants, the bucket, the instruments, and the city, I feel a little less alone. Just a bit.

Goodnight, my Narrator.

I miss you.

I love you.

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XX/XX/XXXX

So, I finally got Mariella to get back to me on whether or not I'm allowed to use our company's information to find people, and as it turns out, it doesn't matter! I can literally just Google a name and then it gives me like 20 thing on said person. Our job is to deal with foreign afair affairs. I still have information on people, but it m mainly who’s been traveling and where, and I'm not even gonna need anything like that until I ca actually find you.

I feel so stupid.

And it's not like I can file you as a missing person. You're out there somewhere! I know it. Just not here, and the that's what's frusterating.

It would be so, SO easy, but no! 

Everything has to be just as complicated as the Parable, except now there are other people, and I don't care for it.

Are you not here cause your accent is different?! 

Stop being so hard to find!

I think Mariella saw me having a hu hissy fit, cause she came over and sat down with me until I calmed down.

She got me coffee and everything. I burned myself on it, but it was good.

I'm going to figure out what your name is. Mark my words.

XX/XX/XXXX

I FIXED MY HEATER!

Oh my god, you have no idea how much you apr appreciate proper heating until you lose it.

As it turns out, the reste resistors were really worn out and overtime it just stopped heating up entirely. I just needed to replace them.

Right now, I'm sitting where the hot air's blowing, bucket in my arms. The metal's heating up a little so it's warm, but not burning. It’s nice. :)

Hopefully it doesn't take heat damage. The bucket isn't you, but if I lost it I'd probably lose my mind.

All in all, I can definitely see myself doing this more often. Maybe I could move everything ovr to where my TV is and I can sit on my couch instead of on the ground.

I could even pick up one of the books I have sitting around. "A Writer's Apology Apologue: Eg Enigmatic and Idealistic" by J. Fin.

Most of the words in the title alone I didn't know existed until I read the title. I wonder why I picked this up. 

I’ll find out soon enough.

I think it’s starting to rain more.

The plants are getting a little droopy and I wanna find some thing something to cover them up, but I don’t know where to find them—

For the time being, I’m using cyran syran siran saran(?) wrap. It’s kinda like they got raincoats on, which is really funny.

Are you a raincoat person? You seem like you would be.

It’d be shiny and yellow and you got little rain boots to match. 

That made me laugh way too hard, holy shit—

Goodnight, my dear.

I love you.

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XX/XX/XXXX

Another day, another lunch break.

I’m sitting in the same, quite quiet corner I always sit in aco accompany accompanied by Jim, who asked for a pencil and for the time even though they’re wearing a watch like always.

That alone makes me suspis suspicious in and of itself,

and it’s even weirder thinking about it now.

Of all the faces that are vaguely family to me, theirs is di definitely one of the ones I remember running into a couple times.

I have no idea what I expected once we actually got out of the pari Parable, but it definitely wasn’t this.

Maybe one of them knows you?? We all seem to be in the same place, so it isn’t completely out of the realm of posi possa possibilities.

Do you think they have any memories? They don't seem to and I feel rude asking-- That and I'm not going around saw saying I'm the main character in a twe 2013 indie video game.

If they did, would they even still want to be in contact with you? You're a bi lot sometimes. 

That's rude, sorry.

My break is coming to an end soon, so I'll catch up with you later.

I love you.

XX/XX/XXXX 

Maria Mariella is starting to look at me funny and it's my fault.

You can only ask so many questions about looking for someone descr discretely before it becomes weird.

This time, the question was "do you know any British, old men?" and the fact that I didn't give any context made it worse.

She kept asking what I ment meant, and I should've come came up with something, but I just shrugged and sha shook my head like an idiot.

What if she thinks that's my type?

Not that it isn't, but What if she thinks I'm trying to ask another British, old man out??

What if she gets the Curator to find me an old, British dude because she, herself, is a British, old lady???

That's stupid. What am I thinking?

Seriously though, I need to find something to sway her a little. Maybe a piece peace offering? Say that I have a lover? Maybe that wife story will come in handy again.

XX/XX/XXXX 

Turns out; my hair is a lot curly curlier when grown out. Dark brown and fluffy.

I can see my hands and feet when I look down at them; a nice warm tan to make my grey eyes pop out.

I'm getting a bit more exerimental experimental with my clothes; grayish and darkish shades of blue and t-shirts instead of 24/7 business ati attire.

Still tall and gangley gangly; not as gangly as I was in the Parable, but I manage.

I have an eyebrow piercing; I have an eyebrow piercing.

Did you make me like this?

I'm flattered, I'm not completely hideous.

I mean, if that's what you're into, then

XX/XX/XXXX 

I bought a little rain cover for my plants, but I'm having setting it up.

It's wobbly and I need a way of setting it up so it isn't just crushing my plants. 

Maybe I could buy metal poles to hold them up?

Ask Mariella to go and buy me some (I'll pay her back, obviously) and then we can play Minecraft or whatever else there is to play.

It's going to be a lot less miserable now that my heater is working.

I'll keep you updated, but right now I have to recover my plants with ciran syran s a r a n wrap.

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XX/XX/XXXX 

Mariella's over at my pal place with the metal poles and we're setting them up on the balcony now.

I'm worried.

She's been looking around and giving me looks. 

Did I do something wrong?

We came inside for a short break.

The weather's getting slightly cooler and it's raining again, so we're trying to get this done as quickly as possible.

She says she has a question for me, I'll be right back.

Fuck.

Mariella left hours ago, I just needed to figure out how to correctly phrase this properly--

She confru cunfr confronted me about you. 

She wanted to know why I kept asking if we were allowed to do personal research on people.

Why I would shut her down every other time she's asked, and she knew that coming over would be the perfect opportunity for her to ask because this time I couldn't run.

We whe were in my house.

This is the opposite of what I wanted.

I looked like a major fucking creep.

I came clean the best I could; I'm lock looking for you.

Someone I was close to and loved, but never knew the name of dispite despite everything we'd been through together.

Someone I absu absolutely hated listening to sometimes, but hated being away from even more.

Someone who're voice struck thunder into the hearts of all those who dare listen, and I'm sorry but I don't care anymore.

Your stories, as dumb as they may be at first, were really good and I wouldn't be surprised if you are doing perfectly fine without me, with your 3 swimming pools and your doors on the left side of the room.

I never got the chance to say goodbye to you because I thought you'd always be here.

This story doesn't have an ending until you say there is, and I never got that.

So, I don't care what it costs. I don't care if I go broke or look like a homeless person or get fired from my job for pushing limits.

Just as long as I know you're ok.

Then I will be happy.

She didn't know what to say to that.

We finished installing the poles and she left with a reassuring shoulder pat and an "I'll see you at work".

I waited a little bit before going out.

The sound of rain is really good at drowning out my thot thoughts and I need that more than anything right now.

I could see my balcony from where I was. 

The lights in my apartment cast a shadow on the plants, which cast a shadow on their cover. It reminds me of when you make animal shadows with your hands.

I'm really tired, so I'm just gonna rest while the heater finishes drying me off.

Goodnight, Narrator.

Chapter Text

XX/XX/XXX

Hi.

You’ve probably been wondering where I’ve been these last couple of months, and in total honesty I’ve been an avoiding updating this.

I haven’t had the motivation to with everything going on. The more time I spent looking for what to say, the more I realized that time actually passes here and I’d just been sitting around waiting for you to show up. Then another realization hit me—

I haven’t died in over a year.

The realization sprung up on me not too long after my talk with Mariella and I panicked.

If I died here, I wouldn’t come back. There’s no respawn, no cycle, nothing.

Just me.

After the initial freak out, there was numbness. I sat around and thought some more, but the thog thoughts was were different this time.

Motivation to live.

I wanted to live for my own sake because I haven’t been happy spending all day, everyday looking for you.

So, I took a break.

I’ve been spending time with my work colleagues.

Mariella is really sweet. She’s never pushing me for information, even with the curtious curious look in her eye. Even in the real world, she has a knack for being effortlessly perfect.

Jim is certainly a person. They’re forgetful and sarcastic with a weird charm surrounding it all. They make me uncomfortable sometimes but I have a feeling they feel the exact same way about me, so we’re cool.

I’ve saved up enough money to buy my own Playstation, which is nice. I had to restart my Red Dead save, but I don’t really mind. I’m not really ready for anyone to die anyways.

I still long to just get on a horse and ride off into the wilderness. An open field somewhere where the sun is shining down on my face with the wind blowing through my hair. That sounds like freedom to me.

Of course— I never stopped thinking about you.

Despite everything, I want you to be here with me, but you’re not.

No matter what, I feel selfish.

Taking time to heal a little feels like I’m giving up on you and continuously searching when I don’t even know if you’re out there or wanna be found also feels shitty.

No matter what, I will find you.

i just need to get my shit together first.

My first batch plants withered and died not too long after I stopped writing and looking back, I should’ve prepared myself for that. Everything piled up and I took a break for a couple weeks before going out and buying more seeds.

Now I have a whole bucket list of things I wanna plan:

- Roses

- Cactuses Cacti

- Hydrangeas

- Peonies

- Lillies

- Orchids

- Succulents

- Sweet Peas

- Sampaguitas (Do they grow out here?)

- More Ferns

The list goes on.

Before planting my new garden, I’m buying a new planter so I can customize my old one. I wanna paint flowers and bugs on it but first I need a base.

I’m thinking of making it yellow.