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Their first fight…
How it had taken this long when they knew couples who fought regularly Benedict would never know… but all he knew was this was his fault.
He should have listened to her, he should have believed her and not thrown jealousy in her face.
It was petty and stupid and idiotic and why he was standing in the rain, soaked to the bone banging on her door to beg for her forgiveness.
He should have seen the signs.
Sophie had not liked Tessa when she’d come to Oxford not before Christmas, Benedict and Henry had taken Sophie and Peter out with their course mates and Sophie didn’t like the way she’d been staring at Benedict. The way she watched him and glared at her whenever they were holding hands, giggling together… and when she’d heard her in the toilets, “it’s just a childhood thing… fanciful… he’ll want a real woman…”
Sophie wanted to scream and punch the girl but she knew in her heart that Benedict loved her and they were soulmates and so she didn’t think too much about it at the time…
But after Christmas, Benedict cancelled coming to visit her for the weekend saying he had some work to do on a project, Sophie had been in the room whilst Peter was on Skype with Henry and seen that Tessa was there in the background, her and Benedict talking about something in the background so Sophie had left the room and called her boyfriend.
He’d said he was working on his partner project, when Sophie asked who he was working with, he’d hesitated before telling her that Tessa had asked him before he could pair with Henry and he’d agreed.
Sophie had been upset that he’d not told her and she told him of what she overheard “We’re friends Soph, that’s all. I love you. It’s you I want to be with”
“Not enough to be here this weekend though” she’d huffed.
“Fee, it’s not like that… I want to be there but this has to be handed in next week and Tess had things on next week so it had to be this weekend” he explained “I promise I will be there next weekend instead, I promise”
Sophie had believed him, she’d let it go, she knew how important it was to get their work done and she wanted to encourage him with his course and his work so she’d let it go…
But then the weekend had come and Benedict had called her on Friday morning, apologising but saying that Tessa’s work had been destroyed when her flat had been broken into and she had to get some of the work done or risk being kicked off the course…
Sophie wasn’t buying it but she had no proof, she’d have suggested she’d come to Oxford and help but she had some work that she could get done herself.
So she’d let it pass… again…
And then again three weeks later, things had been fine when she had come down to visit him but when it was his turn… he’d cancelled again and Sophie was hurt.
“Ben, that's four times you cancelled on me! I’m surprised you even bothered to let me come over last week but oh that’s right Tessa was AWAY! What is it this time? Tessa’s broken a nail… Tessa needs a kidney…” she’d cried at him down the phone “Peter is coming to Oxford, we were supposed to have this place to ourselves. Lily is going on a date with Roger so we had the place to ourselves!! But nooo your new girlfriend needs you so you’re cancelling on me!”
“She’s not my girlfriend Soph, you are. She’s just a friend. That is all. She knows I’ve got a girlfriend. She knows I love you”
“Do you? Because it doesn’t feel like that at the moment! You spend more time with Tessa than you do me!” Sophie sobbed down the phone.
“No, that's not true. I do Soph. I love you. I do! You're just being jealous that someone is showing me attention and wants to be friends with me! It is nothing and you’re just jealous! I’m just trying to be a friend! She’s depressed… I was trying to be a good friend. Like you are to your friends…”
“There is being a good friend and being a lousy boyfriend!” she snapped “Tessa doesn’t want to be your friend. She’s driving you away from me, stopping you from coming to see me! She wants you Benedict! You’re the only one who is too blind to see it! But fine! Go be with her! Don’t bother coming next weekend.”
“But it’s valentines…”
“Don’t” Sophie said, hanging up with a loud sob.
“Everything alright?” came a voice from the door, Henry leaning against the doorway looking at his friend.
“No idea… Sophie's just pissed at me…”
“Because you cancelled on her for Tessa again… what was the excuse this time” Henry asked.
“Sick grandparents…” Benedict said feeling a little guilty. “But it’s what Sophie would do…”
“Not if it meant neglecting you Ben… she’s always put you first… always. You used to do the same for her… do you want to be with Tessa? Because I know for fact she’s desperately trying to get into your pants…”
“We’re friends Hen, that’s all… friends… she doesn’t want me and I do not want her… I want Sophie but I don’t want to lose my friends…”
“Friends don’t make you cancel 4 times on your girlfriend… just saying…” Henry said “you need to think… because if you’re not careful, Sophie’s not going to stick around and play second fiddle much longer and I don’t blame her mate… if she dumps you then it's on your head…” he said as he walked away.
Benedict was torn, he wanted to just leave, jump in his car and drive to Sophie, to reassure her that everything was fine, that he loved her and that he wanted to be with her and only her.
He hated himself at that moment, he hated that he’d made her cry when he promised to look after her. To love her…
But he wanted to be a good friend as well, that was all he was with Tessa and he didn’t even find her that attractive.
He figured he’d speak to Tessa this afternoon whilst Henry and Peter were out, tell her that they would never be more than just friends, that she was only ever going to be a friend but that she needed to find someone else to depend on and not just him as he had to go to Sophie, he had Sophie and she was his priority.
He’d texted her and told her to come over later on as he was trying to sort things out with Sophie, that she was mad at him but didn’t elaborate on why…
He’d tried calling her, he’d tried calling Lily and Peter had arrived and just told him that she was really upset and hurt and that it was going to take more than just a phone call to fix this…
Benedict had decided that he would drive to Cambridge tomorrow, he’d go see her tomorrow and apologise to her face and explain that she was and will always be his first priority.
Those plans changed slightly when Tessa arrived however, it was a bit earlier than he was anticipating and when he opened the door he dropped the sandwich he was in the middle of eating.
Tessa had turned up in nothing but a trenchcoat and some lazy underwear, something Sophie had done for him once before and it had been the best afternoon of his life…
But this…
This was not what he wanted, nor did he want to see it.
“T…tes….tessa… what?” he stammered
“I thought… maybe you’d like to experience a real woman… since your little girlfriend is giving you the cold shoulder”
“I… no…” Benedict said shaking his head “she’s giving me the cold shoulder because she thought you were doing all this… i thought she was making it up! That it was all in her head, that she was just jealous but she’s been right all along!”
“Maybe but come on… she’s half way across the country, I am right here! Everything I've done… I just want you! Have me… I'm yours for the taking…”
“Fuck no. she might be half way across the country as you say. She could be in another country but that won’t change how I feel about her! She is my girlfriend, the woman I love, the woman I've loved since I was 15… she’s the one I am going to spend the rest of my life with… I am not going to risk that over some little fling… what I have with Sophie is more than you’ll ever dream… she’s everything i’ve ever wanted and will ever need…” Benedict said as everything clicked into place and he knew what he needed to do.
“I’ve… i’ve got to go…” he said shutting the door on Tessa and running back to his room, he knew he had to go to Sophie and fix this. She had been right and he had been an arse not listening to her.
He felt bad for Tessa but he was furious that she’d been taking advantage of him. He saw that now. He hated that he hadn’t listened to Henry or Sophie… Sophie had never lied to him. He should have believed her.
He swore loudly as he threw his clothes into a bag, this was going to take some grovelling and he knew he deserved it.
This was his fault, they had fallen out because he’d been so blind… never again.
He threw everything into his car and not caring that it was starting to rain, he set off.
The two hour drive from Oxford to Cambridge gave him plenty of time to think, to work out what he was going to say but he knew there was nothing that he could plan. It had to come from the heart.
He left his things in the car as he pulled up outside of her accommodation, he knew the security guards on the car park, and he knew that his things would be safe. It didn’t matter that it was pouring down with rain, he didn’t want Sophie to think he assumed she was going to let him in, to let him stay… he had hope but he knew that he had to earn that right.
Over the years he had put his big foot in his mouth more times than he could care to admit, care to think about… he had hurt her but he’d always found the words to help her forgive him but this time it was different.
Back then it was just him being an idiot and they were just friends but now… there was more to it than that.
They loved one another, they were a team… they were soulmates…
He should have believed her and never neglected her like this. If this ever got back to Kate, to his mother or his sister’s… they would likely have his balls…
If Sophie didn’t take them first and he had to admit, that she would be well within her rights to take them.
He glanced around the car park to make sure Sophie’s car was there, to make sure she’d not gone home for the weekend instead and when he saw her little car still there he breathed a sigh of relief.
By the time he made it out of the car park he was soaked to the bone and cursing himself for not remembering his umbrella but this was his penance.
Standing and apologising to his girlfriend in the rain, was his repentance.
He ran across the campus, he didn’t want to leave it any longer, he didn’t want to risk wasting any more time. Each second wasted was another where she would be wondering what he was up to, if Tessa had managed to have her way…
After everything that Sophie had been through, with everything that had happened in school, he felt even worse that she was having these thoughts again and it was his fault.
You could have wrung him out and filled a bathtub by the time he reached the front door of her halls and he banged hard on the door.
He didn’t hear anything but he could see a light on so he banged harder again “Sophie! It’s me! Open up! I know you’re in… Please… Please” he pleaded at the door.
He heard a noise inside and the light went off “Sophie i know you’re there… please… please! I was wrong… I was a blind fool and I should have believed you. You were right! You were totally right!! Please Fee… just… open the door… you don’t even have to let me in! I just don’t want to do this to your door… please please!!!” he begged.
The door opened and the sight of his girlfriend, her red puffy eyes, the sadness on her face nearly broke his heart “I’m so sorry Sophie. I should have listened to you. You were right… you were right… I… I just… I was blind to what was going on and was trying to be a friend… but she wanted… what I wasn’t prepared to give her… You are all I've ever wanted. You’re all I ever want… I am just so sorry”
“What made you realise I was telling the truth?” Sophie sniffed, her green eyes cold.
“She turned up in a trenchcoat and god knows how little else, offered herself to me… i rejected her, shut the door, packed my things and came straight here… to apologise. I was already realising that I'd been a dickhead and I was planning to come tomorrow after talking to her… Henry was telling me I was being a dick, I guess I was pleased someone outside of the group saw me as a friend, or so I thought. I think… i was just a bit jealous of you… you’ve got Lily… someone who isn’t in our friendship group from home… someone new… in the two years i’ve been at Uni, i’ve got classmates but no one else who is really a friend.” Benedict explained, realising now, the truth of it all.
“She… she…” Sophie said feeling sick
“I didn’t look, I don’t want to look. I never saw her that way, i’ve never wanted to see her that way… she was only ever a friend to me and that’s why I couldn’t see what you were telling me. She was only ever a friend… and now… after trying what she tried… I want nothing to do with her. You are everything to me Soph and i am sorry that I fucked that up. That I pushed you away and didn’t believe you. I just… I wanted to tell you. I wanted to come and tell you that i’m sorry… that I know I fucked up… i don’t expect you to forgive me straight away, i just… I didn’t want to apologise over the phone and I didn’t want to leave it… so i’ll… i’ll go…” he said “just… know… i love you Sophie… I will always love you.” he said before turning around.
He’d said his piece, it was down to her now.
“Ben, wait…” Sophie said when he got two steps down the path, the rain beating down on him again.
She’d listened to what he had to say, his apology and she could understand where he was coming from.
She knew how much he wanted to be seen outside of his family, outside of their group of friends, and she knew how kind his heart truly was. The things he was prepared to do for his friends…
She remembered how he’d stood Gen up to come to his aid when her grandmother had had her heart attack, he’d do anything for a friend and if he truly thought Tessa a friend, he’d have done anything to help her and the conniving cow must have remembered Sophie telling some of the others in their class what he did for her.
She could see how much pain he was in and whilst she was hurting that he’d not believed her in the first instance and hadn’t believed Henry, he had come straight here to talk to her, to apology when he realised he was wrong and for that she couldn’t be too mad at him.
And he was soaked to the bone, “come in… just… let’s get you out of those wet things and we can talk properly” she said to him when he paused on the path.
“My things are in the car”
“And i’ve got things here that you left… and i stole” she smiled softly at him. “Come on, i’ll put the kettle on and you can have a shower, i’ll not forgive myself if you get a cold”
Benedict smiled at her weakly, he was cold, a cup of tea and a hot shower sounded like heaven right now and if she was prepared to talk to him then he had hope that he wasn’t about to lose her.
“Thank you” he said and he followed her into the apartment.
He trudged off to have a hot shower and Sophie had left a pair of his shorts and a hoodie at the door for him whilst she was in the kitchen putting the kettle on.
When he reappeared 20 minutes later he felt like a new man and as he took a sip of the tea he let out a happy sigh, “thanks, i did wonder where this hoodie had gone…”
“Well I can’t steal your Oxford hoodies and the orange one just reminds me of you… sorry its not really clean, i’d been sleeping in it…” she admitted
“Sleeping in it?”
“I’ve missed you” she said
“I’m sorry Soph… I feel horrible for cancelling on you, even more than I did at the time knowing the reasons behind it were all fake, that she was trying to drive a wedge between us and it very nearly worked… but I swear Soph, it wasn’t because I wanted her… she’s nothing compared to you. I’ve never even considered her as anything more than a friend and now, to know she was prepared to do that to you… to us… i want nothing more to do with her and i’ll be making myself very clear when I get back to Uni. I want nothing to do with her and i’ll be asking Professor Morton for a new partner…” he said.
Sophie sighed “I don’t want you to lose friends because of me…”
“Soph, anyone who tries to get between me and you… they’re not my friend. Not when I spent most of my time talking about you, complaining about how much I miss you, you were always my muse and who I talk about, who I visualise in my work, when I paint landscapes I think of our future home, a place in the country, with a lake, a tree… a few dogs and kids running around… everything in my life is you… and if someone wants to be my friend, they need to accept that. I don’t want someone in my life if they can’t accept you as the biggest part of my life outside of my family… because one day, if you forgive me, you will be my family” he said passionately, his hand reaching out and placing it over hers and squeezing it.
“I know how hard it is for you for people to see you for who you are Ben but what if this happens again, you’ve got another two years of your course left… i’m here for a lot longer… i don’t want anything to come between us either but I tried to tell you and you didn’t listen… you called me jealous and that hurt…” Sophie explained.
“I know and it was stupid of me. It was immature of me, I just let my head get the better of me instead of listening to my heart… I’d seen Anthony say the same things to Kate when Tina was being nice to him and she thought Tina was flirting…”
“Tina was… she tried to kiss Anthony in front of Kate…”
“Really… fuck… I didn’t know about that… Ant didn’t tell me”
“Because he hated that Kate was right, you know what they are like… but we’re not them Ben. you’ve got female friends and i’ve never been jealous… other than Gen but that was because she had you and I wanted you… but friends… You’re friends with Lily, I trust you alone with Lily… same with Lucy, same with Alice… same with Annabeth who is on your course… but Tessa… no… i knew what she wanted, I told you what i heard her saying… and you dismissed me”
“I know I’m sorry. I should have believed you then, it would have saved so much heartache, I don’t like arguing with you, I never have… you’re my favourite person in the world Fee, I love you and i just… I wish I could take those few weeks back where I cancelled on you and I was a bad boyfriend… I want to make it up to you… if you’ll let me”
“Promise next time you’ll believe me?” Sophie asked with a sigh “and you’ll never call me jealous again after I’ve told you someone is hitting on you?”
“With all my heart. I swear on my grandmother’s grave… i’d rather lose my hands than fight with you like this…” he vowed.
“Very well, it’s valentine’s next week, you can make it up to me then…” she said with a small smile
“Well I could start making it up now… if… you’d like…”
“Well Kate does tell me Make Up sex is worth fighting over… but I was more thinking about all the missed weekends, I think you owe me a lot of romance and sweeping me off my feet after being a bad boyfriend for a few weeks…” she said coyly.
“That… I was already planning to do it but I shall make it even better… I promise… but for now… maybe we could test Kate’s theory…” he whispered hopefully.
“I think… that may be acceptable” she smiled as he walked over to her, wrapping his arms around her and kissing her softly.
All the love, the promises he had just made poured into the kiss, reassuring her that he’d not make the same mistakes again and they learned that yes, makeup sex is worth it but they’d much rather not fight in the first place…