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I like you.
Atsushi’s mind is miles away from whatever topic Dazai was incessantly chattering on about. But his thumping heart tied him down, made sure that no matter what he tried, he was painfully aware of the proximity between him and Dazai under the shade of the campus tree they were sitting against.
He swallows. He desperately wants to leave because he swears that if Dazai makes eye contact with him one more time he’ll get a heart attack.
Dazai asks him something and he feels a surge of panic.
“What—I’m sorry—what were you saying?”
Dazai squints and leans forward, crowding into Atsushi’s personal space, and studies him with a piercing look in his eyes.
Atsushi gulps. His heart’s beating almost painfully against his chest and he prays that the man couldn’t hear it.
But then Dazai smiles amicably (again, again, again, this man smiles entirely too much, but then again, that’s probably reason he’s so popular) and moves away from Atsushi’s personal space.
“You seem so far away. Your studies must’ve been keeping you busy.”
“Hahaha.” God, this fake laugh was far too laugh. He nearly winces, but instead, he continues blabbering in a clipped tone, “Yes, yes. They have been. Very much. I can’t believe how many books I have to read for my classes.”
Dazai shrugs. “Reading books isn’t bad.” Suddenly, he perks up, looking at Atsushi with sparkles in his eyes. “Hey, have I told you about my favourite book?”
“The Complete Suicide?”
“Yes!”
“Yes.”
“Do you want to hear more?”
“No.”
Dazai visibly deflates. “Why not?” He pouts.
“Because I just don’t understand why—” Atsushi stops himself. He’s not sure if he should be asking this in the first place, and he’s not sure whether Dazai would even give him a proper answer. He does wants to know, but…
How close are they? And what does he even know about Dazai in the first place? One day the guy approached him for some fake-dating scheme, and then they hung out a couple of times for the sake of fake-dating. Or because Dazai was bored. Possibly and probably a mixture of the two.
Suddenly, he feels miserable. And Dazai, always the genius, immediately notices. He reaches out for Atsushi, and doesn’t stop until his fingers reach his fake-lover’s reddened cheeks. But he doesn’t say anything, he just looks at Atsushi with a worried expression on his face.
Atsushi’s throat is so dry he can’t even swallow anymore. But it makes him inexplicably happy, seeing that face on Dazai.
Subtly, he moves back so Dazai’s callused fingers aren’t touching him anymore and takes a big swig of water from the bottle he had thankfully brought with him.
“I think you’re right,” Atsushi says, but he doesn’t know why his voice is so quiet. He forces the corners of him mouth up. “My mind’s not really here—” Except his heart was, his heart would never let him forget that he was with this man—My studies have been keeping up at night and stuff.”
Dazai blinks. “Oh, well if you need any help, please let me know.”
Atsushi doesn’t bother asking how Dazai could exactly help him and nods. “Thanks. I’ll keep it in mind but I, uh, really need to go now.” He plants his hands on the tree behind him and lifts himself off the grass.
“Why?” Dazai looks around campus as if it will help him find the answer.
“I just told you.”
“To study?”
“Yes.”
Dazai makes an attempt to get up as well. “Oh, let me join you actually—”
“—No!” Atsushi protests, frantically waving his hands. “No. It’s going to be really boring. I just really need to be alone to concentrate this time.” But it’s not as if he’s really going to be able to concentrate anyway. He hasn’t been able ever since their… Well, their kiss.
Why had they kissed that day? He feels his face become even hotter than it already was and his heart begins to race again.
From the corner of his eyes he notices Dazai’s disappointed expression and says, without making any eye-contact, “I’m sorry.”
He turns around without saying goodbye. He feels frustrated with himself, and desperate—yet giddy, so giddy because that man, his fake-lover, wants to be around him, it seems. It’s just that he can’t handle it right now.
He just needs to know. Atsushi knows why he kissed Dazai that day. I like you. But he needs to know why Dazai did. Yes, they’re fake-dating but… but still!
His steps slow down as he rounds a corner and he lifts his eyes to the sky. He feels the sun warm his face and a cool breeze ruffle his hair. Slowly, his heartrate returns its usual slow, regular rhythm.
Why does Dazai even want to fake-date him in the first place?
He resumes his journey back to his room, the questions rolling around his mind in waves that crash down causing either a spike of excitement or anxiety.
By the time he reaches his room, his thoughts have rendered him exhausted. He pulls out his key and shoves it in, and he groans when he finds the pile of study material he needs to revise for his exams the moment he opens his door.
He trudges towards his bed and sits down. The very same bed where he had kissed Dazai. He feels laughter bubbling in his chest, but not the good kind. No, the type of laughter that could only come out when someone is on the verge of insanity.
Dazai happened to be rather proficient in driving people crazy. With that thought, Atsushi lays down and promises himself that he’ll only close his eyes for a few minutes.
A few days later, Dazai tracks him down just as he’s exiting the exam hall after having taken his final test, playfully thwacking him on the back of his head with an envelope. “There’s my beloved Atsushi-kun! I was looking for you,” he greets with a laugh.
Atsushi glares, but before he can say anything, Dazai grabs his hand and drags him into an empty hallway in the university building.
He hands him the envelope and looks at him, expectantly. Atsushi stares at it, and then him, with confusion.
“It’s payment,” Dazai clarifies.
That’s right. That’s why they were even hanging out in the first place.
But I like him.
Atsushi’s heart sinks to the pit in his stomach. He feels nauseous. Everything blurs away, until all he can hear is the blood rushing to his head and his slow, sickening heartbeat.
Dazai’s gentle voice grounds him. “Is everything okay?”
“No,” he says, coming to the horrifying realization that he cannot possibly do this anymore. Yet he can’t seem to force the words out, and he wishes he could just wrench them out of himself, but all he can do is look up at him with wide eyes.
Atsushi watches as Dazai’s expression morphs into something more solemn, and he asks, “What’s wrong?”
Finally, he’s able to speak. “Did it help? Are your admirers bothering you less now? That’s what you wanted, right?” He asks, but his voice is so quiet he’s not even sure if he imagined himself saying it, let alone that Dazai heard it.
“Oh… Uh. I honestly haven’t paid that much attention, but now that I think about it, I haven’t heard much from them.”
Atsushi genuinely wonders in that moment if they even existed in the first place. Or whether they bothered him as much as he said they did.
“Dazai-san… Why did you ask me to do this?”
“Do what?”
He resists the urge to roll his eyes. As if Dazai isn’t smart enough to know exactly what he’s talking about. “Ask me to be your fake-boyfriend.”
“I already told you—”
“—Is that truly the reason?”
Suddenly, Dazai smiles. Atsushi’s not sure whether he wants to slap or kiss it off his face. “Why do you think I did it then, Atsushi-kun?”
But he has no idea. For some reason he wishes that all of this had been some pathetic prank on Dazai’s part, that he would yell, “Sike! Ha, I got you!” now and that Atsushi could slap him, and leave knowing that his heart had been in the wrong place all along, and it didn’t matter that he practically got rejected, because Dazai would never know what he felt for him.
“I don’t know!” Atsushi fires back. “I don’t know anything, okay? The only thing I know is that...”
“What does it matter anyway? Have you fallen in love with me by any chance?”
“…”
It feels like the air is being sucked right out of him.
Such a flippant remark, yet it was right on the money. And Dazai nonchalant grin slips off of his face when he realizes just why Atsushi was not answering.
Atsushi fully expects him to deliberately misinterpret his words and say that he’s in love with himself too or something, but he doesn’t.
Instead, Dazai looks very uneasy. He furrows his eyebrows and studies Atsushi’s face for a few seconds, but he has never been a particularly good liar anyway.
“Oh. I didn’t mean… That wasn’t supposed to happen.”
The envelope falls from his hand.
It’s all Atsushi needs to hear to understand that he’s being rejected.
“I understand, Dazai-san,” he smiles sadly. In hindsight, now that everything is clear to him, he doesn’t even understand what he expected in the first place. He wants to say that his feelings are only because Dazai is the first person in a very, very long time that showed such interest in him, but he knows deep down that’s not the reason. Well, not the only reason.
But Dazai looks more guilty than Atsushi ever thought the man could be.
“I don’t think I’ll be very good for you. I care for you, I don’t want to hurt you knowing I could've prevented it.”
This time, when Atsushi smiles, he means it. Even though it’s bittersweet and his heart is breaking. “Thank you, Dazai-san. It’s okay, really. Don’t feel guilty. Just… I would appreciate it if you could give me some space.”
Dazai nods. His expression is unreadable.
Then, Atsushi walks away.