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Lloyd sat on his bed, not daring to look up at the other man in the room.
"Lloyd just tell me whats going on with you!" Kai crossed the room, ending at the other end of Lloyds bed, slowly sitting down, never taking his eyes off the other, "You can talk to me…"
"How do you tell someone you wish for a tragedy? How do you find the words to say you don't wish for death, but a broken ankle would suffice?
You don't want to die. No, it's too permanent and you know things will get better.
But you find yourself lost in fantasies of a broken bone, a fracture that would heal within a few months. Preferably without needing physical therapy after. You've found yourself running through the logistics of what bones could break and their healing times. You wouldn't want to break your wrist, although that was your first thought. You wouldn't be able to move about without help, and the last thing you would want to do is inconvenience your loved ones. So your mind wanders to your legs. Your knees are a good start, but then you think about the replacement surgery you'd likely have to go through, as well as the physical therapy it would take to relearn how to walk. The effort is too great.
However, your ankle, now that seems like the easiest option. Many people break their ankles every day, it wouldn't seem all that strange to "accidentally" step wrong on the sidewalk. "Accidentally" slip on the stairs. "Accidentally" land on your foot wrong while jumping to get something.
It would be so simple and yet.. you hesitate. Because why would you break a bone and go through all the trouble. Inconveniencing others who would have to drive you to the hospital. Your left ankle would be best, you could still drive, but that doesn't change the fact you'd be in too much pain.
Paying for an ambulance is obviously out of the question. You could have a parent drive you, but then that's wasting their time. You could have a friend drive you, but why would any of them come out to help you.
So you don't follow through with the plan of it happening by your own hand. But you wait, silently hoping an accident will happen. Something tripping you at work, a genuine misstep on the stairs, a car wreck that isn't your fault and doesn't destroy your car, but leaves you in just enough shape for a hospital visit.
Of course, you won't act on these thoughts. And you wouldn't dare voice them out loud, but you have them. Replaying the fantasy of getting to relax with no one needing you for a few days, maybe a week, maybe a month or two. Some time to yourself.
But time to yourself is the last thing you could possibly want. Because time alone gives you time to think. And time to think is terrifying.
Your mind moves on from the fantasy quite quickly when you're alone. Left to your own devices to run through everything you've ever done or could do.
It plays through moments in your childhood you'd rather forget. Your brain starts running through all of the things wrong with you. The fact you're such a mess. The fact you can't seem to keep your areas clean. Your room is a mess, your car is disgusting, your own body can't even be kept clean.
You have lecture after lecture and it still doesn't seem to click. Nothing ever seems to stick and you lie awake at night wondering why you're so stupid. Why you were made to be this way.
Your mother suggests it's ADHD. You wonder if it's Autism. Your brain conjures up the idea that it's simply both. It also supplies you with the idea that neither is true, that you're simply a failure of a human being. That the world would simply be happier if you didn't exist.
But you know that isn't true. You have plenty of people who have better lives because you're a part of it. Their lives aren't dependent on you, but you do make them easier, make them better.
You just want to be better.
You have to be better. "
Lloyd fidgeted, wiping his eyes messily with the edge of his gi sleeve. He felt pathetic, spilling his guts out for Kai to see. All of the twisted thoughts in his brain, rambled out and thrown onto the ground in a sickening display of weakness.
He couldn't be weak, he was the green ninja. He had to be strong. He was their leader, their rock, their strong foundation and he….he was breaking.
"Lloyd I… shit that's a lot." Kai ran a hand through his hair, looking off into the distance as he processed.
"I'm sorry I should-" Lloyd started to defend himself, pressing his thumb nail into the back of his hand to stop the tears. He hated crying, yet his body felt the need to cry at every turn
"Listen, it's perfectly fine to talk about it. There's a lot to unpack there, and I'm not sure I'm the right person to dissect all that. But I do know you're not alone, everyone feels like they're not good enough. Like they're not doing enough in some area of their lives but… you have to come to a point where you realize that no one on this earth is perfect." Kai gently set his arm around the younger boy, pulling him into a hug.
"We're all here for you, in any way you need. I will always be here to listen if you need those thoughts out of your brain. You shouldn't feel like you have to be hospitalized to have a break, if you need one, just say something and we can easily give you one. You're not alone in this, you never have been and you never will be, understand?"
Lloyd nodded, pressing his face further into his brother's gi, swallowing back a sob.
"And as for the getting better part… everyone has flaws they have to work through. Take me as an example, I'm a hotheaded person. I understand I'm quick to anger, and it's something that's taken me years to understand and work through. It's not a switch you can flip within yourself, its something that takes work and something you'll most likely fail at a few times. You've just gotta keep at it." Kai rubbed small circles in the other's back as he talked, keeping his voice in a lower, calm tone.
"I… yeah… yeah you're right." Lloyd finally hugged back, weakly gripping the back of the red shirt.
"Take a deep breath, it'll all be okay Lloyd."
"Yeah, it'll be okay."
It'll all be okay Lloyd, we promise.