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Rayla was nervous.
She had walked the same stretch about 20 times already, thinking that she had to go back so that then the thought that she would say the wrong thing and ruin everything more than it already was would hit her, and she would retrace her steps.
"I have to go back to apologise to him"
"If you come back, the sure thing is that you say something wrong and you will ruin it more"
"I have to…"
She stopped abruptly and with her head down she laughed to herself, "he would probably laugh at me if he saw me now" she wanted to think that Callum would laugh to see her so nervous when two years ago she would have gone straight and would have told him everything she had to say.
In the end she returned to Katolis to return with him.
Night had fallen and she and Stella had decided to stop to rest.
Stella was curled up next to her, in the silence of the forest Rayla could make out the soft snoring of the little monkey.
Rayla was leaning against a log watching the flames of the fire dance a synchronised dance.
Her mind decided to travel far...
Normally her mind travelled to Callum, during those nights where she thought she would never see the morning of the next day, when her body trembled with rest and her stomach lurched with hunger, in those moments her mind travelled to Callum.
But that night her mind decided to land on the memory of all those nights over the last year, nights where questions made her stomach clench and little tears slip down her cheek, leaving a ragged trail.
She remembered that one night she had assumed that Callum had forgotten her and moved on.
"Who took my place in bed when I left?" she had wondered first, remembering the nights when they would both cuddle up in their pyjamas, whispering promises and secrets that no one else would ever know. She supposed that some Katolis noble had managed to seduce Callum and that while she continued her search for Viren in order to keep him safe, he would be with a new person.
But she couldn't blame him, she had left him. And he deserved to be with someone who would make him happy.
"Who laughs at everything you say?" It was her second question while she looked at the stars with a melancholy smile drawn on her face when she remembered one of his bad jokes.
There were many more questions during her nights, questions that ran through her thoughts when the moon made an appearance.
That night was no exception, despite her going to Katolis to solve things with him, she couldn't stop the questions from appearing, it had become a masochistic nightly routine.
She had arrived at Katolis.
With her arrival she brought the night, she could distinguish how there was light in Ezran's room, they must still be awake.
She approached silently and with a stealth that had improved over the last few years.
She could hear music.
She hid under the balcony, to be in the ear of everything, but in view of no one.
Suddenly she heard someone go out onto the balcony, shuffling footsteps, melancholic she could say. She heard something. A sigh. A sob.
When she was about to lean out a little more to be able to observe the person who had just left, she heard other steps, and a voice.
Ezran.
And he was not alone, the owner of the sob answered his question. And at that moment her heart went through a thousand different sensations, each feeling stronger than the last. All those are dominated by sadness and love.
Rayla listened to the conversation.
She heard it all.
She spent the next day continually thinking of ways she could make her presence known to him again. From what she'd heard the night before, there were plenty of chances that Callum would still love her.
After a big metal discussion with herself, she decided that that night she would show up in his study, helped by Stella to let her know that she was back.
She didn't know why, but she had the great feeling that if they gave it one night maybe he would hate her less the next morning, that the next dawn that her eyes saw, they would have been able to speak and she could have explained it..
It had been a week since she thought showing up at his studio like nothing was a good idea. That night she found out it wasn't.
Now they both go alone to Xadia. And his contact with her was still zero.
Callum had barely spoken to her since she got back. She couldn't blame him. she understood.
Since she came back her nightly thoughts had changed. Now she was stargazing with Callum less than three feet away, her head repeating the same mantra night after night.
And night after night Rayla would watch him with sadness and longing from afar.
"I bet you wish you never met me" she thought as she watched the stars paint the sky every night, after that thought that caused her stomach to churn, she repeated to herself that she couldn't blame him, she had broken his heart when she left. Two years ago.
That night, after those thoughts startled her again and tears threatened to come out of her eyes, she let sleep wrap her up to plunge her into another reality that she hated even more; Dreams.
Like every time she crossed the door that leads her to her dreams, she found Callum, a happy Callum, a Callum who made her feel loved again, who somehow made her think that love was like daylight, cozy and warm.
But that only meant one thing, that Callum wouldn't last the whole dream, that Callum only showed up to anticipate each nightmare.
The Callum in front of her was the Callum she had known two years ago. Nothing to do with the Callum she knew now.
Then that Callum grew up, he became the Callum of now and the look that the old Callum had when he turned to look at her, that look of love disappeared, leaving a look of hate on the Callum of now.
"You shouldn't have come back," Callum said.
“I- I wanted to work things out with you…”
"You shouldn't have come back," Callum repeated. “I remade my life in Katolis. Without you. And it was fine."
Tears began to well up in Rayla's eyes. "I’m sorry, I do not…"
"You ruined my life when you left, and when I managed to redo it without you and you showed up to ruin it again"
A sob escaped from Rayla.
“I didn't want Callum, I didn't want to hurt you, I…” Callum cut her off.
"You didn't want to, all you know how to do is mess things up Rayla." Callum laughed grudgingly. “You ruin everything; you messed up ours, you messed up my life, your parents and Runaan's life, you messed up the assassination mission”
Tears quickly ran down Rayla's cheeks causing them to turn pink.
"We even almost lost Soren because of you," he told her as he approached her. “Because of you, you became homeless. It's always your fault Rayla"
Rayla fell to her knees crying as she continued to hear Callum tell her that it was all her fault. But deep down she also knew it was true, right?
“Rayla! Rayla!”
Rayla woke up with a start.
Callum was shaking her, looking very worried. Then she realized that she was crying and that most likely she had woken him up.
"Rayla, are you..." Rayla didn't let him finish, she pounced on him, hugging him by the neck and hiding her head in the crook of his neck.
"I'm so sorry Callum, I…I didn't want…I didn't want to ruin your life, please forgive me…I'm really sorry…"
She didn't realize she was trembling until Callum wrapped his arms around her, pulling her to him, while she could only cry and constantly beg for his forgiveness.
She was barely aware of the soothing words Callum was whispering in her ear until after what seemed like an eternity she calmed down a bit, sobs coming from her but at least she wasn't shaking anymore.
“Rayla, what happened?” Callum was worried, in all the time he had known Rayla he had never seen her like this.
"I…I'm sorry Callum, I didn't mean to ruin your life when I came in or when I left." Rayla buried her head a little more into his shoulder.
"Rayla, you haven't ruined my life, who told you that?"
"But ever since I walked into your life I've done nothing but hurt you." Callum winced at that and pulled her closer to him.
"I'm sorry Rayla, I shouldn't have been so hard on you when you came back, I didn't… I didn't want you to think that you ruined my life."
Rayla jerked away from him.
"I deserved it Callum, I was gone for two years leaving only one letter" Rayla lowered her head, she couldn't look at Callum without guilt filling her.
The letter, two years had passed but Rayla remembered word for word what she had written in that letter.
"No Rayla, you didn't deserve it, I understand why you left, I shouldn't have been so hard on you, I don't want you to think that you ruined my life when you're the best thing that's ever happened to me" Callum said as he extended his hands to make her Rayla will look at him. Rayla's eyes filled with tears again when she heard that.
"You're also the best thing Callum has ever happened to me and…and I couldn't bear the thought of losing you"
"I know Rayla," Callum told her as he hugged her again. He hadn't hugged her since Umber Tor, he had forbidden himself because he was supposed to stay mad at her but he didn't want to stay mad at Rayla anymore. She was back and that was all that had to matter to him.
After the hug, they decided to sleep next to each other, without a meter of separation.
And since then Rayla has not been carried away by her nightmares again.