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When he was confronted by Han Sooyoung in front of the rest of the company, Kim Dokja couldn't stop doubting his existence ever since. One moment, they were laughing and eating together. The next moment, he was sitting on the ground, clutching his bleeding shoulder.
The one who stood in front of him was the colleague he has always trusted. She was the one he thought might understand him best in the world. And yet there she was, telling everyone he might not be the real Kim Dokja, but an "avatar". She told everyone that cutting his head off will determine if he's either an avatar or not. That earned a wrathful gaze from Jung Heewon and threatened to bring a sword out if ever Han Sooyoung doesn't want to stop spouting bullshit.
Kim Dokja doesn't understand. He couldn't understand. Why is this suddenly happening? When that woman asked him who the hell he is, it felt like his heart was punctured. Like he's not the same person they know.
Come to think of it, Kim Dokja has been noticing all their distant gazes whenever they look at him. Strange, they are definitely looking at him, but it seems like they were looking past him. Like there was a ghost of his past they're all longing to see.
And Kim Dokja is not aware of it.
The topic about whether he is a fake or real left a stinging sensation on his chest. He's Kim Dokja, is he not? He was right here with them. But why does it feel like they're yearning for more of him?
Somehow, there's a life he's lived that he doesn't remember. There's a portion of his memories that Han Sooyoung claimed had lost when he tried splitting himself into two. Did the real Kim Dokja did that? Probably, he would remember such a thing if he was actually the one who did it.
Kim Dokja stilled at these thoughts.
Then, a mortifying realization washed over him.
Did he... subconsciously accept the plausibility that he might not be the real one? Kim Dokja let out a dry laugh. He must've looked insane from someone's point of view. Laughing out of nowhere like that. How can he not? Kim Dokja is tired of assuring himself and he's tired of always being in bed 24/7. Due to his worsening health over the past months, there are days where he couldn't even stand up. Mentally speaking, it took a toll on him, for the worst.
The constant fear of disappointing his companions by not being the Kim Dokja they wanted has been eating his head away for nights. Those thoughts gnaw at the back of his mind, feeling like a helpless chew toy at the mercy of a puppy. And hopeless at the fact that he'll never be whole like he used to be.
There are quiet footsteps approaching his room. A light was turned on, and Kim Dokja could see their shadows from the bottom of the door where strips of light were passing through the tiny gap.
"Heewon-ssi, have you heard of Sooyoung-ssi's plan?" He heard a man's voice. His voice isn't clear enough to him but he guessed it's probably Lee Hyunsung. Jung Heewon seems to be thinking as she didn't answer immediately.
"If Dokja-ssi's memories is really split," Lee Hyunsung continued, a hint of contemplation in his voice. "Then there's a separate 'real Kim Dokja-ssi...' Then the group regression might be—"
"Do you think that's possible?"
A group regression, huh. Is such a thing really possible?
"We could do it again, and see him at the end of the scenarios. We can try... at least."
Going through all those hellish scenarios again just to meet the other him... they must really have loved him a lot, then.
He doesn't realize there are tears falling down from his face. It only registered to him when it touched his hand. Somehow, his tears start to ricochet. A wave of dull pain surged through his body. His hand automatically finds its way to clutch the fabric above his aching chest.
He continued to cry silently in the dark of his white four-walled room. All the sorrow he's been bottling up ever since that day began pouring. Why? He wanted to ask out loud. He wanted to yell, demand his companions for answers and ask why? Why can't they accept this life? Is he not enough? Is he really fake? Oh, he's really the fake one, isn't he? They wanted the real him, the entirety of his being. But of course, he can't be enough, for he is not the Kim Dokja this world wanted.
But he doesn't want to go. He doesn't want them to continue with the plan. He's already content like this. They are already living a peaceful life. Why would they risk themselves again for another turn? This whole thing they had right now was enough for him.
There's a sob threatening to come out of his throat. He desperately tried to calm down as he put a hand over his mouth, silencing the small, inaudible cries.
"I think Dokja-ssi is already asleep. We shouldn't probably head in right now."
Kim Dokja's breath hitched, his eyes shifted towards the door while his heart beats faster.
"I'll just knock twice," Jung Heewon started knocking. "Dokja-ssi?"
Another knock and a call for his name, yet Kim Dokja didn't answer, doesn't want to.
"Well, let's head back. We can talk to him tomorrow."
And with that, they left. The sound of their footsteps gradually faded as the light outside was turned off.
Kim Dokja lay on his back, looking up at the ceiling with the glow-in-the-dark star designs the children had gotten for him. Kim Dokja blinked, and he blinked again. His eyes, shining like stars, dimmed little by little.
There was a companion who brought him food. He was still in all black, but he doesn't have his black coat on anymore.
"Kim Dokja, it's omurice." He spoke, his tone implying that he didn't poison the food when Kim Dokja made no attempt to eat it.
Kim Dokja looked at him for a moment, then looked back at the food. He carefully grab the rice bowl and eat his meal. The food practically melted into his tongue. It was really good. He must have eaten this kind of meal a few times while working on the scenarios. But it's not as good as this.
Yoo Joonghyuk didn't leave. Instead, he leaned on the wall beside the door with his arms crossed. His eyes are fixed on the wooden floor. Kim Dokja would occasionally glance at his direction. Sometimes he'll catch him with his eyes closed.
Yoo Joonghyuk is the man who he claimed he knew the best. He's the protagonist of this world and Kim Dokja, as the sole reader of his story, is the only one who understands him. However, right now, that doesn't seem to be the case. Kim Dokja was supposed to know more about this man. Somehow, he felt like he barely knew him at all. Kim Dokja doesn't remember most of the information he's supposed to know about this man.
He can't remember.
The rice bowl clanked at the bedside table when he finished eating. Perhaps it made a louder sound than he intended because Yoo Joonghyuk looked at him. His expression was as stoic as ever but there was a hint of worry. Kim Dokja muttered a quick sorry.
"What's wrong?"
Kim Dokja was slightly surprised by the question, especially since it was coming from Yoo Joonghyuk.
As far as he could remember, this man is not the type of a person to ask about one's well-being or troubles.
He opened his mouth, let it hang for a while as he racked his brain for a reply.
"What?" He asked dumbfoundedly instead.
"You're thinking about something." Yoo Joonghyuk looked him in the eye. But as expected, he is looking past him and not directly at him.
"I'm just thinking about how good the food was." He answered, glancing at the now empty rice bowl then back at Yoo Joonghyuk.
"I think this is the first time I've tasted your cooking?" He said, raising his eyebrow as if to ask for confirmation. Yoo Joonghyuk suddenly has this complicated look on his face. Ah. Kim Dokja thought. I must have said the wrong information again.
"You already have. But you never admitted how good it was."
Is that so? Why does he have no recollections of it?
He must have thought it out loud because Yoo Joonghyuk answered with a stern face. "Every human being can forget."
He said that, and looked at the clock hung in the room for a long time. Kim Dokja looked at the clock with him. He watched the second hand move, then the minute hand again.
"You don't have to be anything, it only matters what you want to be."
His gaze fell upon Yoo Joonghyuk's dark eyes. This is probably the first time in a while he's heard him speak that much. With his usually blunt personality, he lets his eloquence slip sometimes.
"So stop thinking about that for now."
Yoo Joonghyuk went to get the empty rice bowl and chopsticks on the table before walking towards the door to leave.
Silence ensued, only Yoo Joonghyuk's last statement reverberated around his mind for the next hours.
Later that night, Kim Dokja was awakened by someone quietly entering his room. However, he didn't let himself get caught as he pretended to sleep. The person walks up to his bed, pulling a chair. He felt this person pull up his blanket and place their hand on his forehead before sitting on the chair. It was done in such a gentle manner that Kim Dokja felt like a child.
"Kim Dokja?" The voice called as if to test if he was asleep. It was Han Sooyoung. He was quite surprised. She rarely visits this room. Perhaps it's a painful reminder to her that he's not someone she used to know. Or perhaps it pains her to see him in this state. Either way, he doesn't want to think about it further.
"I guess you're really in a deep sleep. You're always sleeping, you bastard." She said in such a tone that Kim Dokja can almost feel her smiling sadly. Or probably, a frown would be more fitting.
Goodness, he can't really wrap his head around her personality at all. Perhaps the other him grasps it perfectly.
"I know you've been having a lot of hard time ever since that day." Han Sooyoung started, followed by a shaky breath.
"I probably hurt you— no, I definitely hurt your feelings back there. And I'm—" Han Sooyoung stops herself abruptly. A tired, breathy laugh escaped from her lips.
"Why am I about to apologize to you when you're asleep?" Kim Dokja wanted to open his eyes, but he knew that won't get Han Sooyoung to talk about whatever she has on her mind right now.
"I know I should say sorry to you when you can hear me loud and clear but I..." Her voice trailed off and Kim Dokja noticed her breathing starting to get heavy.
"I'm sorry. But I just can't bring myself to ignore the fact that there is another version of you out there, suffering and lonely..." Han Sooyoung's voice trailed off, it gradually decreased until it almost turned into a whisper. But Kim Dokja heard it loud and clear. He could also hear the almost silent sniff from her, careful not to make a sound as she wiped the tears off of her face.
"Damn idiot, making me feel like this."
Kim Dokja wanted to get up there, he can't handle this side of Han Sooyoung. It wasn't everyday she gets to be this vulnerable. His hand itched to wipe those tears away from her cheeks, just like how she wiped his back then.
But he didn't get the chance to do so, as Han Sooyoung stood up, silently walking towards the door. When Kim Dokja heard a soft click did he only opened his eyes.
"I also want to help you find the real Kim Dokja." The statement earned a sad look on his companions' face. Yoo Sangah then brought her hand on top of his.
"Dokja-ssi, don't say that. There's no such thing as real or fake."
He is not the Kim Dokja the world wanted. He knew that, he had stopped reassuring himself that he's the real one. Or at least he believed he did.
And so, he smiled at them.
"It will be fine."
It will be fine.
When the company crossed over to the 1865th worldline, Lee Jihye immediately suggested naming it "Operation: Capture the Squid" to which the company agreed, much to Kim Dokja's dismay.
He didn't do a great job, but he watched them perform the scenarios. He watched them quietly carry out those hellish scenarios from scratch. And every time, they each found the 'Kim Dokja' they were looking for. There are times where he'd remember them, there are also times where he won't. Most of the time, he doesn't remember those moments ever happened.
They progressed through the scenarios rather quickly with the help of the previous turn's knowledge they possessed. The strategies that Kim Dokja once thought of. They were performing it again. So, while watching their story, Kim Dokja confirmed a certain fact.
This was not his story.
When they were finally faced with the end of the world, the party was now face-to-face with the final wall. And then after that, the door to the subway where the other him is just within reach from the other side.
He had a hunch. And so he spoke his mind, "The other me might not want this story to happen. This story... it has ended back then"
Please don't open it.
No matter how much he forces himself to accept that he might not be the real one, Kim Dokja wishes upon the brightest star in the universe that maybe, maybe, his last struggle and plea will be heard. Maybe the company might still change their minds. He clings into the small thread of hope that is on the verge of breaking.
The universe is cruel with its fast and uncaring way of moving forward, leaving behind every creature who is not strong enough to keep up. Because Han Sooyoung's words snap the small thread of his hopes.
"Why don't we ask that after meeting the other you?"
In this moment, Kim Dokja smiles wryly. He nodded as he steps forward.
"If this is.. the story you wanted." The final compartment of the subway opened. Kim Dokja finally saw the sight he feared.
There was Kim Dokja, who his companions had been looking for. His body had turned into a small child.
He step forward as he thought, this is the real Kim Dokja.
Like a satellite attracted by the gravitational pull of a star, his body moved towards Kim Dokja. The memories he had been holding were shattered into small pieces, and were being sucked into Kim Dokja in front of his eyes.
Feeling the disappearing body, he thought. Then who was I?
“Dokja-ssi!"
He was Kim Dokja.
"Kim Dokja!"
However, it was not Kim Dokja that this world wanted.
“Kim Dok…!”
The last moment he lost consciousness, he thought.
If only I could be reborn. I hope I'm not Kim Dokja, at least.
He imagined distant worldlines. Countless worlds where he could enter and do as he pleases. A distant worldline where he can start again and be an unknown being born from that universe.
A world where he wouldn't be dictated of what actions should be done, of what path should be chosen. No more expectations from him. No more searching gazes of a missing person on him.
While wandering through the cosmos, he can go anywhere he wants. Far from that world while being a creature no one in Kim Dokja Company recognizes and has nothing to do with Kim Dokja.
His mind lingered to the company. They were once his home, but he just had to go as he was unable to carry the burden of being the Kim Dokja they wanted when he's clearly not. He wants to have his own story as well.
He can go anywhere he wants, anywhere.
Just not home.