Chapter Text
(Source: The Princess Bride)
Setting: Vissudha Field. DOTTORE is holding COLLEI hostage. Enter TIGHNARI.
DOTTORE: So, it is down to you, and it is down to me.
TIGHNARI steps forward. DOTTORE holds a knife to COLLEI’s throat.
DOTTORE: If you wish her dead, by all means, keep moving forward.
TIGHNARI: Let me explain.
DOTTORE: There’s nothing to explain. You’re trying to kidnap what I’ve rightfully stolen.
TIGHNARI: Perhaps an arrangement can be reached?
DOTTORE: There will be no arrangement, and you’re killing her.
TIGHNARI: Well, if there can be no arrangement, then we are at an impasse.
DOTTORE: I’m afraid so. I can’t compete with you physically, and you’re no match for my brains.
TIGHNARI: You’re that smart? In that case, I challenge you to a battle of wits.
DOTTORE: For the girl?
TIGHNARI nods.
DOTTORE: To the death?
TIGHNARI nods.
DOTTORE: I accept.
TIGHNARI: Good, then pour the wine.
DOTTORE pours the wine. TIGHNARI takes out a small vial.
TIGHNARI: Inhale this, but do not touch.
DOTTORE sniffs at the vial.
DOTTORE: I smell nothing.
TIGHNARI: What you do not smell is called iocane powder. It is odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid, and is among the more deadly poisons known to man.
TIGHNARI takes the wine glasses and hides them from DOTTORE’s view. After a brief moment, he sets them back down on the table.
TIGHNARI: Alright. Where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide, and we both drink and find out who is right, and who is dead.
DOTTORE: But it’s so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you. Are you the sort of man who would put the poison in his own goblet or his enemy’s? Now, a clever man would put the poison in his own goblet because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. You are no great fool if you’ve made it this far, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But I am no great fool, either, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me!
TIGHNARI: You’ve made your decision, then?
DOTTORE: Not remotely. Because iocane comes from Upper Setekh, which as you know is entirely peopled with Eremites. And Eremites are used to having people not trust them, just as you are not trusted by me, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.
TIGHNARI: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.
DOTTORE: Wait till I get going! …Where was I?
TIGHNARI: Upper Setekh.
DOTTORE: Yes. And you must have suspected I would have known the powder’s origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
TIGHNARI: You’re just stalling now.
DOTTORE: You’d like to think that, wouldn’t you?! You’ve beaten my Skirmishers, which means you’re exceptionally strong, so you could have put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you’ve also bested my fellow Harbingers, which means you must have studied, and in studying, you must have learned that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me!
TIGHNARI: You’re trying to trick me into giving away something. It won’t work.
DOTTORE: It has worked! You’ve given everything away. I know where the poison is!
TIGHNARI: Then make your choice.
DOTTORE: I will, and I choose-- what in the world can that be?
TIGHNARI: What? Where?
While TIGHNARI’s back is turned, DOTTORE switches the wine glasses. TIGHNARI turns back around to face DOTTORE.
TIGHNARI: I don’t see anything.
DOTTORE: Oh well, I could have sworn I saw something. No matter. (He chuckles.)
TIGHNARI: What’s so funny?
DOTTORE: I’ll tell you in a minute. First, let’s drink. Me from my glass, and you from yours.
Both drink the wine.
TIGHNARI: You guessed wrong.
DOTTORE: You only think I guessed wrong, that’s what’s so funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned. Haha, you fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. The most famous is never get involved in a land war in Inazuma, but only slightly less well known is this-- never go in against a Fatuus when death is on the line! Ahahahahahahaha--
He abruptly stops laughing and falls over. TIGHNARI walks over to COLLEI, unties her, and helps her to her feet.
COLLEI: Who are you?
TIGHNARI: I’m no one to be trifled with. That is all you ever need know.
COLLEI: To think, all that time it was your cup that was poisoned.
TIGHNARI: They were both poisoned. I spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocane powder.