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Hanji quietly watched the bath fill itself as she pumped the water in it. She had refused to wash herself for the longest time but even she couldn’t stand the smell anymore. She sighed as her foot dipped in the barely lukewarm water. Hanji cupped water in her palms a few times, throwing it against her chest and shoulders to moist them. The silence in the room was making her feel eerie as she began to clean herself. The sweet scent of oranges intruded her nostrils, gratefully replacing the one of human neglect.
He would always offer her the fanciest of soap despite claiming “it was just soap so she stops smelling like a damn pig” but she could tell by the way he would hum her skin late at night it meant much more. She stretched her leg up and ran her hand up her surprisingly short hair. Levi didn’t like hair as much as he didn’t like dust and forced her to full shave at least once a week. Despite not being a fan of that tedious chore, she respected his demands, picking up the razor blade resting on a small table beside the tub.
Once she was done, Hanji reached to free her hair from their messy ponytail. Her shaky fingers ran through the thick stands before she suddenly ducked underwater to blend her tears with the rest of the water. She held her breath as long as she could, hoping she would pass out and drown but her body jerked on its own and pulled her head to the surface. The cry that followed echoed through the entire complex, causing a few soldiers to look up.
Hanji grabbed onto her knees and buried her face between them, unable to hush herself. She felt the burn in her lungs but she couldn’t believe the screeches echoing in the room were hers. The scientist tries to calm herself by self-embracing harder but she only manage to make her nails pierce the skin of her tibias, collection pearled blood under them.
The door slammed open, startling her out of shock, and Erwin grabbed her roughly up and out of the tub, exposing her for all the curious youngsters who had followed the commander to see. Hanji glared up at him with the rage of a caged animal and yelled at him through sobs. Erwin looked at her severely until she reduced to submission and strangled whimpering. He knelt down and put his large hand over her head, wrapping her dignity in his coat as she had forgotten a towel. It didn’t feel at all like when he did it and Hanji even resented the commander for mimicking Levi’s acts to calm her down. She knew it was good intentions but she couldn’t help herself not to hate.
Erwin helped her up and walked her outside of the room, the young soldiers scurrying away on their way out. He sat the Squad Leader down in front of his desk and sat behind it, folding his hands. He gazed at her for a long time, not recognizing the brilliant woman at all. He pondered how many times Levi had seen this side or if this was a brand new facet of her demented personality. If he did know about it, Erwin was grateful the corporal spared everyone these psychosis. But he was gone now. It was up to Erwin, to everyone else, to look after Hanji. He spoke slowly with a calm tone about how urgently she needed to get herself back on her feet, watching her closely in case of any violent sign. Hanji listened to her commander and nodded quietly until he mentioned Levi wouldn’t like to see her like this. Tears came to her eyes again as she hugged Erwin’s coat around her body. Of course he wouldn’t like it. He never did. Hanji wasn’t inhuman, the sight of her comrades dying in front of her eyes for over twenty missions did not left indifferent. She was as broken inside as any survivor of the recon missions. Outside, she kept an upbeat attitude but Levi was somehow more perceptive then the others and had seen through her game.
One night, after a particularly violent expedition, Levi had barged into Hanji’ s room and caught her red-handed. She didn’t have the time to dry her tears or put her glasses on. Hanji could still remember his shocked expression very clearly. He had been right all along, the happy scientist was only a facade to keep troop’s morale. That night he made her promise not to keep it in anymore and share her pains with him. Hanji always translated his muttered words as a confession. She never needed anything more. But now, Levi was gone and so were the right words.
Everything had happened in an instant. It was supposed to be a routine rescue. A poor soldier had gotten trapped in the claw of a 5-meter class titan and was about to be eaten when Levi swept through its nape. The monster had fallen to his knees and was already vanishing. It was over and Hanji was teasing Levi about dirtying his blades. They had never seen the titan hiding in the steam. It jumped through it like a frog in the mist. It caught Levi between its teeth and crashed head first into one of the giant trees, resulting into Levi’s back shattered by splinters. Hanji vividly remembers the corporal’s body impaled with wood, the limbs barely held to the trunk by shreds – and his face – his subtly stunned expression still present in his dead eyes which starred right at the titan now to the ground. In reality, that vision lasted only a few seconds before the lump of flesh tore off from its hooks and fell into the giant’s mouth but the image will be carved forever into Hanji’s cerebellum. She hadn’t been able to even flinch before it was all over and her world was taken away from her.
Hanji had woken up in the infirmary next with no recollection of what had happened after Levi’s arm had fallen off the side of the titan’s mouth like a crumb off the King’s beard. She left the nursing quarter without permission to lock herself into the security of her room and never leave it.
And there she was, so long after, blubbering int her friend’s coat in his office at the slightest mention of the late corporal. It was pathetic, really. Levi would beat some sense into her if he was there. Erwin was right, she needed to snap out of it. No matter how deep into the abyss she was. Slowly as Erwin kept talking, Hanji began to recall all the speeches Levi made to dying soldiers. She needed to do the same for him, his strength would become hers and she would make his memory alive through her acts. She cut the commander short in his speech to demand Levi’s title. Erwin was not sure about it but could not deny such resolve burning in her hazel eyes and obliged.
Hanji was standing beside Commander Erwin as they waited for the gate to open. She kept a straight face and her reputation had shifted that the corporal was a serious woman unlike the thoughtless squad leader. A maniacal smile broke the solemn mask when she caught glimpse of a titan to the formation’s left and immediately went for the kill before it could jump. Hanji looked up to the sky and sighed loudly.
His memory was safe with her. She would live on.