Work Text:
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“acının içinden geçmezsen, dışına çıkamazsın”
~
Ilgaz knows perfectly well what’s going on with him. They don’t enter this profession unprepared and he is considered to be one of the best in his field. They have a lot of classes on the matter at a law school, have a countless number of advanced training and real-life simulations afterwards. He knows perfectly well what it is, and how it’s totally normal to experience something like this after traumatic events, and that it’s not his fault, but knowing it and living through it turned out to be completely different things.
It’s partly his fault, and it leaves him guilty on top of other effects he’s suffering from after the recent events. He should have known better, came in more prepared, and maybe, maybe, both of them wouldn’t have to go through something so heart-wrenching and traumatic, something he still can’t wrap his mind around.
His mistake also let her down, made the woman he loves more than anything in his life go through the nightmare he wouldn’t wish on his worst enemy. He had to, he knows he didn’t have another choice back then, but it doesn't make his conscience silent. It suffocates him and scares him, and leaves him weak. Weaker than he used to see himself, than circumstances require him to be.
He is in therapy, and he follows the doctor’s orders down to a letter. He’s visiting psychotherapeutic sessions twice a week, but he knows it’s not enough. He is brave enough to admit he’s not ok, but that’s where his bravery ends. He’s nervous and restless and not himself, and the thing that scares him the most is that he’s not sure he’ll ever be.
~
Garbage bins don’t worry him at all. He doesn’t have any visual input of him being there, he just remembers the smell and the feeling of the warm metal of Ceylin’s tree necklace in his hand, but that’s all. He’s relieved, as there are hundreds, thousands of them all over Istanbul and it would frustrate him to be afraid of such a simple thing.
Ilgaz is aware that he suffers from PTSD symptoms you’d expect a person with his experience to have. He anticipates being afraid of something, anything, real or symbolic, that will remind him of that , but nothing comes.
He’s still not cleared to return to work, and frankly speaking he’s not particularly eager to do so, as being back at the courthouse would mean to be separated from Ceylin.
They are almost inseparable these days, as Ceylin is clearly afraid of losing a sight of him, and he reciprocates the feeling. She’s pregnant and as much as he was over the moon by this news, his anxiety spikes to extreme levels. He’s worried about her health and the health of a baby, and how much what happened affected them both. He’s watching her like a hawk all the time, sensitive to the slightest changes in her behavior and well-being.
She’s still dealing with the aftermath of his “death”, and sometimes Ilgaz wonders whether he would be able to survive a day with the thought of her being dead, but is afraid to go down this lane. His wife is strong, clearly stronger than him and stronger than even he thought she was, and she’s coping. Some days are worse than the others, but with the new purpose of life, with the new life which is blossoming inside her, she is more of a support for him than he deserves.
He still can’t wrap his mind around the thought that the dream he has had for the huge chunk of his life is about to come true. He doesn’t have any physical evidence of him becoming a father apart from the pregnancy test she took before their reconciliation (and ten more they have done after this together), but every time he looks at her he just knows. He sees it in her eyes, in the posture of her body, in the slightest changes it has under his hands. There is a light in her that wasn’t there before, and sometimes he wonders whether this light is the only thing that keeps his head above the water.
It’s August already, and they have made a new tradition of taking a walk after dinner, as he read somewhere it’s good for pregnant women to engage in physical activity and it’s good for his mental health as well. It has been a good day so far for him, with one or two minor hiccups, and he’s almost content, and happy he’s alive to live these moments with his wife.
They tend to choose quiet, deserted streets, without big drops and upturns, as he’s afraid to tire her out. From time to time they get closer to people and street food they offer, when Ceylin decides that food she had during the dinner didn’t sate her. She showed no signs of morning sickness so far and it’s too early to have cravings, but she eats more, and Ilgaz is happy with every piece of food he gets to provide for her and the baby.
It’s when she is already leaning on one of the food stands, two steps ahead of him in anticipation of having an ice cream, when he first feels a tremor breaking through his body. Hair on his neck and arms stand up and suddenly late summer evening is not that warm anymore. There is a bile in his throat, hot and bitter, and it inevitably goes up, when the voice of his wife rips him out of his head.
- Ilgaz, can you help me? - and there is some sort of distress in her tone that makes him alert.
He covers these two steps that separate them, and his body readies itself to protect her on instinct.
- What’s wrong? - he quickly checks her for any sign of trouble she is in, but she looks fine, if any a little embarrassed.
- I am fine, - she confirms his observation, and then, turning to a whisper, adds, - I have my shoelaces untied, could you give me a hand? I don't feel like bending over, - but Ilgaz doesn’t really listen to her after her request and kneels in front of her.
Her shoelaces are tied, but he sees where it can bother her as one of the boots is looser than the other. She places her small hands on his shoulders for balance, and it’s when he feels that strange feeling he had before vanish away.
He does the second boot as well, and when he stands upright he’s awarded with a quick peck on his lips.
- Thank you, - she smiles and leaves her hand on one of his shoulder blades. - Now, my dear husband, will you buy me an ice cream?
He is worried it would be better for her and the baby not to eat sweets, but she asks and he can’t really say no to anything she desires, so it’s only natural he’s distracted. He remembers this episode once he places all the pieces together.
It's the middle of September, and he returns to work, and it’s only a matter of half an hour before someone approaches him from the back. Bile rises in his throat, and he has a strong desire to protect himself by turning around to face this person, but it’s just a weak echo of the feeling he has had that summer night.
It’s not the first time he goes to a public place, so it’s quite late for him to develop that particular fear. He runs backwards through different episodes from his life after the incident, and finds out that he has actually been having it the whole time, but he also has been having Ceylin to stand between him and that fear. She was always with him, at home, out at a store, or during their walks, either leaning on him from behind, or placing a gentle hand on his back, or taking a small step so it’s she who stands behind him and not someone else. She was easing him out of this fear step-by-step, before it became bearable enough for him to drag it further alone.
He is a bit ashamed, but also impressed by how smart and sharp his wife is, and how strong she has been for him and their baby all this time.
Uneasiness of turning his back on strangers never really goes away. In some situations it is still hard to deal with, but at these moments the invisible presence of his wife behind him protects from the worst of it.
~
He has it worse at night. During the day there is a lot of stuff he has to deal with, people who are around him, and the light keeps his nightmares at bay. He’s actually down to have one every other night, but it shakes him as the first time when he woke up in horror, his heart beating frantically in his ears, his mind playing the scenes of the shot over and over again in his dreams.
They are not always the same. Most of the time he sees himself from the side, as he’s the witness of the whole thing rather than being an active part of it, and it’s the least scary of them all. Sometimes it’s just sounds and feelings and pain in his chest so hot and immense he has trouble breathing. But the one he hates the most is when he can’t see anything but the darkness, the smell of the garbage strong in his nose, and he feels that his life force has been draining out of him with every drop of the blood. They all always end with him being dead, and the frightening darkness is what wakes him up every single time. He doesn’t go back to sleep afterwards, he just can’t, and sometimes it’s easier not to close his eyes at all.
He’s grateful his nightmares don’t make him scream, so he’s successful in keeping it quiet from Ceylin. She has been through enough, he made her go through enough, and she and the baby need their well-deserved rest. Although she’s not a heavy sleeper, creating new life demands extra energy from her and she is not as sensitive to the way he tosses and turns in their bed as she used to be.
There is a night he wakes from the scariest of his nightmares, with the smell of the garbage still vivid in his nose, and the darkness is what welcomes him when he opens his eyes. He holds his breath, and braces himself against the dread he’s sure will flood him within a second, when something firm, but delicate nudges at his side.
He is disoriented at first, but then he feels Ceylin’s baby bump prods him again, as she tosses in her sleep. She just started showing and it’s more a delicate curve rather than an actual bump, but apparently their baby is already making a room for itself on their bed.
- I am sorry, - she whispers slurry, still half asleep, probably awake from the impact. - Did I wake you up?
He doesn’t know how, but she knows he’s not sleeping.
- I wouldn’t mind even if you have, but you didn’t, - Igaz answers as he pulls her to him and gently kisses her forehead. Beautiful smell of Ceylin fills his nostrils, sweet and familiar, and he feels like he can breathe deeply again. He places a careful hand on her belly, caressing it lightly, and part of the darkness surrounding him recedes away.
Ceylin tosses a bit more before pulling out of his hands to sit up.
- Where are you going? - Ilgaz asks her, and the calmness that seems to wash over him vanishes. - Are you well?
- I need to take a toilet break really quickly, - she’s still whispering, afraid to break the silence of the night. - Will you please turn the light on for me?
Ilgaz obliges, and the view that appears in front of him scares the remains of his nightmare away.
Ceylin is in one of her short pajamas, hair disheveled with sleep, eyes partly closed as she tries to stay half asleep. Her pajama top is pulled up by her tossing, exposing the delicate curve of her belly. Her hand is placed protectively over it, and the sound of her bare feet echoes through the room on her way to the bathroom.
Sometimes he thinks it’s impossible for him to love her more than he does, but the way her belly grows to accommodate their baby, his heart expands to contain the love he has for her, for them . For a change he has trouble breathing for a completely different reason.
When Ceylin climbs up to the bed after her break, Ilgaz helps her lie down with her back to his front, and she’s nestled in his embrace with a satisfied sigh. His hand goes straight to the place where their baby is growing inside her, and he is mesmerized by the feeling of her entire bump fitting perfectly in his hand. He starts to stroke her gently and although he was prepared to have a sleepless night ahead of him, he dozes off shortly, lulled by repetitiveness of his gesture and the light that was still on.
He doesn’t have nightmares that night.
From that night her trips to the toilet became more frequent. By some coincidence, she always has to go after him waking up from his nightmares and always asks him to turn the light on on the way to the bathroom. He starts to wake up from her belly poking different parts of his body more often than from his nightmares, as if his baby claimed its right on him physically as much as it was holding emotionally, and he obeyed with joy. He waits for her to come back to bed every time, and he ends up hugging both of them carefully. Ilgaz is able to return to his sleep even after the worst of his nightmares without fail.
There comes the night her growing belly can’t fully fit in both of his hands and it’s when he has a dream of him turning his back to Turgut Ali and peacefully going away without the noise of a gunshot or a pain in his chest.
He doesn’t have any nightmares after this night at all.
~
He is worried all the time.
It’s about big things, like their safety, and what kind of father he’s going to be, and sometimes even climate change and inflation, but there are a lot of concerns about small things too, and that’s what drives him crazy.
He’s restless, and his mind is never silent, always dwelling on everything and nothing in particular, and most of the time it’s so loud in his head he can’t think. He’s always tired and it bothers him that this might not let him react in time if need be.
He’s at his worst around Ceylin, as he worries about her and the baby she carries constantly. He’s worried about food she eats and air she breathes, he calls her all the time, and hardly keeps himself from controlling her every step.
Ceylin is 25 weeks pregnant and they already know they are expecting a baby girl. He’s so happy, as when they were talking about having a baby it was always a daughter on his mind, and it just seems right he is going to be a girl’s dad, but it’s also one thing less for him to worry about. He has always been interested in anatomy and after they found out about Ceylin’s pregnancy, he made sure to read everything he could on the matter. He knows girls are believed to be more resilient than boys, and God knows with parents like them their baby needs all the strength and luck she can master.
Despite all his misgivings, Ceylin’s been doing really well. She’s healthy and more calm, and happy all the time. She’s patient with his sometimes suffocating care, and doesn’t take any unnecessary risks, and delegates the work she can’t deal with to Tolga.
He is reminded that she’s still topuklu fırtına when she breaks into his office in a hurry, and he furrows at the topuklu part as her heels click loudly on the floor. He doesn’t know how far in the pregnancy it is healthy to wear heels, but he doesn’t want to press her on this point.
- Ilgaz! - she exclaims loudly and out of breath. She probably rushed the whole distance separating the session floor and his office, and the worry he feels constantly about her rises its head.
- Ceylin, is everything…
- Everything is fine, stop, we don’t have time for it, - and before he could understand what's going on, she makes a beeline to him and takes his hand in hers.
She’s still in her lawyer's robes, but her baby bump peeks out shyly from under the edges. It’s petite and very delicate, and Ilgaz can’t have enough of watching his stunning wife carrying their daughter. Ceylin sits on his knees, and shifts her clothes so that he has direct access to her body.
- Come on, she’s very active because I probably sat too much for her liking, stubborn as her father, - she mutters and places his hand on her belly, moving it around, searching for something. Her gaze is a little unfocused as it always is when she listens to the life inside her, and suddenly…
Oh.
It’s barely there and very gentle, but he feels it. His baby girl is moving under his touch, and it’s the very first time he gets to feel it.
It’s suddenly very quiet in his head, as his whole being is seized down to a point on her belly where gentle pushes meet his palm. He doesn’t know how much it lasts, but all worries, all unbidden thoughts fall silent in the first contact with his daughter.
When activity under his touch subsides, he raises his eyes to meet Ceylin’s. She’s smiling with her wide, happy smile and she seems very glad with herself. There are glints of happy tears in her eyes and he realizes his eyes are wet too.
- I was in a hurry to get to you so you both could finally meet, - she says and his heart is so full with love for her he’s afraid it will explode.
- I love you, - he says, and leans to capture her lips with a kiss. Her belly is nestled cozily between them, and he puts her clothes down and caresses her. - Let’s not freeze our daughter, - he explains and she leans back and laughs.
Their girl is growing day by day, and she moves more, and Ilgaz gets to feel her movements frequently. It’s the most extraordinary experience he has had and he’s so focused on her gently and not so pushes that it also helps him to get out of his head. When he comes back he feels like he worries less and starts to be himself more.
He’s his usual calm self when it’s time for their baby girl to come to this world.
~
Ilgaz doesn’t know what’s going on with him. They didn’t enter this unprepared, as they attended many different classes on the matter, had a countless number of trainings and even had one real-life simulation beforehand.
He’s in the delivery room and he’s holding his daughter in his arms.
Ceylin is asleep, tired after this insane, exhausting, but the most rewarding day in their lives. Their baby girl naps too, and he gets to guard them, as it’s the least he can help with after this whole lot of work they have done together during the birth.
He’s exhausted, but he can’t go to sleep, he can’t even close his eyes, afraid that if he blinks she’ll disappear from his hold. He’s intensely happy, but also overwhelmed with the whirl of emotions, and he can’t take them apart.
She’s so tiny, with wee wrinkled fingers that hold him at her sleep, and the fluffy hair on her head is exactly the same color as Ceylin’s. She fits perfectly in his arms, melts into his body like a piece of a puzzle. She’s the most beautiful thing he has ever seen, as beautiful as Ceylin, but different, as he can already see his features in her. She’s his, and Ilgaz doesn’t even remember what it’s like to not have her in his life.
With the hassles of her appearance in this world being over, he can have her all to himself, to embrace and caress, and get acquainted with. It’s terrifying and strange, because it seems he’s in some kind of a time machine. She has been here with him, in his mind and soul, for all these previous months, but he just gets to hold her physically, and he also anticipates and thrills the future that is ahead of her.
He looks at his girl, and the love he has already had for her suffocates him. He is brave enough to admit he’s nervous and scared and not himself, and the thing that makes him happier the most is that he’s sure he’ll never be. He is a father now, and his whole new world is sleeping soundly in his arms.