Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Jackie's head hurt. Where the fuck was she ? Everything was a blur. She had too much alcohool last night. Fuck, Jackie always liked to joke that Shauna was a lightweight, but she wasn't much better herself - not that she'd ever admit it to Shauna.

Shauna. Fuck.

Everything was coming back to her, in painful waves. They had won semi-final, thanks to Jackie actually. Shauna had been the first to hug her. She remembers the cheers, Shauna's beaming smile, the playful banter in the locker room. Misty's excited squeaks. Mari recounting Jackie's goal in a very dramatic way - as if they hadn't all been on the field witnessing it - that had everyone cheering again.

Everything was perfect, and then they were partying at Lottie's, and there was alcohol - how had it all turned bad so fast ?

Jackie remembers drinking, a bit too much a bit too fast, and clinging to Shauna, then to Jeff. And Shauna had just been weird. Her mood had started to sour, and Jackie wanted to cheer her up, and she asked if she was okay and Shauna had put on that fake smile, the one that didn't reach her eyes, and Jackie knew something was wrong. So she had insisted, when she knows she shouldn't have, because Shauna had drunk a lot too, and was obviously not in the mood to share. But Jackie just wanted Shauna to have fun. She just wanted Shauna to tell her what was wrong, so she could help her feel better.

That's when things get a bit blurry in Jackie's mind. She doesn't remember what happened in details, just that somehow Jeff got involved, and Jackie was pissed, Mind your own business, Jeff, since when do you fucking care about Shipman ? It's not like you ever try to talk to her and Of course I care about her, Jackie and oh - there it is, the worst part.

She distinclty remembers Shauna's bitter laugh, Just because I let you fuck me a couple times doesn't mean that we care about each other, Jeff.

Jackie had just gaped at the pair, and it was like a dam had broken. All of Shauna's anger, all of her venom was unleashed on Jackie. And alcohol was making Jackie dizzy, and she didn't catch all the words, but she heard enough - tragic, boring, insecure - but that wasn't even what had hurt the most.

The words ring in her ears.

I don't even know who you are anymore.

Maybe you never did.

The resentment in Shauna's voice left an ache in Jackie's chest. Her vision blurred. Her feet carried her away while she downed her drink. And Jeff had chased her, had grabbed her by the waist while pleading, and she felt cornered, needed to fucking breathe - so she had stumbled towards the door, dizzy, not walking straight but still not drunk enough to have this conversation with him, right now - seriously, Jeff, time and place.

There had been witnesses to their argument - at least she hadn't seen Mari, thank god - and she stood here for a second, outside Lottie's house, and felt shame, embarassment and hurt wash over her. She couldn't go back. Not after that humiliation. She couldn't face her teammates, could'nt face Shauna, or Jeff - the mental image of them touching each other, of Jeff's hands on Shauna, made her nauseous and she threw up right beside the front door.

Jackie couldn't go back to her house either. She had told her parents that she would stay at Shauna's. That way she wouldn't face their disappointment if the team lost, and they wouldn't ruin her night if the team won - oh well, a bit too late for that anyway. Jackie couldn't just stand there in the front porch while thinking about where to go, so she started walking - she'd figure out where to on the way.

Shauna's home was now definitely a no, and so was Lottie's because she was hosting this goddamn party. The truth is, Jackie didn't really have any other option. She was surprisingly pretty close with Nat, but she was likely to just crash at Lottie's. And Jackie wasn't that close with Van or Tai, or any of the others. Would she have to resort to asking Misty fucking Quigley to let her crash ?

Jackie absent-mindedly crossed the road. She knew Misty would say yes - she'd probably be eager, actually. But Jackie found her a bit weird, and suspected that Misty would actually keep her hostage and wouldn't let her leave until they had to take the plane. She didn't have time to think about it more - suddenly there was a flash in front of her eyes, and honking, and a brutal pain in her leg, then on her head when she hit the ground.

The last thing she thinks before everything goes black, is that she hopes it'll be enought to kill her, so that Shauna feels guilty for the rest of her life.

Yeah. Jackie's petty like that.

Turns out, it isn't enough to kill her, just to keep her from playing for Nationals, she learns as coach Ben stares sternly at her, the morning after.

She can tell that he's tired, and disappointed, but not desperate, because Jackie is not irreplaceable. Not like Tai or Shauna - Jackie's stomach churns thinking about her - would have been. Coach Ben just has to repleace her with a JV or something, and name Tai captain, and no one would notice the difference.

"You know that's not true, Jackie," Tai sighs.

"I thought you'd be happier," is all Jackie can respond. "Wasn't that what you wanted ? To be captain ? To be the one to lead the team to victory if you win ?"

Tai's face twist in discomfort.

"Look, Jackie, as much as I wasn't... pleased with you being named captain, - Jackie snorts at that because what a fucking understatement -, I must admit that you're not bad. And that sometimes, your shitty corny pep talks are a bit inspirational or whatever. We need you on the team. It's going to be tough withou you."

Jackie dramatically gasps - "Taissa Turner, are you complimenting me right now ?" - and Tai rolls her eyes, mutters a little you know what, I take it back but Jackie can see her fighting a smile. She softens.

"Thanks, Tai. I appreciate it. I know the team is in good hands with you as a captain."

"Yeah, yeah. You better heal quick, because we are coming back with a trophy. And I don't care what's going on between you and Shauna, but you better not jump under a car again when we come back champions because I will drag your ass out of the hospital to celebrate with us".

Jackie chuckles.

"Well I hope you do, because I'll be bored as hell without you. Sucks that I can't come to cheer for you because of that stupid accident. Even Misty gets to come".

Truth is, Jackie's leg, by some miracle, had been fine. Her head, on the other hand, had needed stitches, and coach Ben had been categoric : she needed to recover, and couldn't come with the team.

Tai grimaces.

"Yeah, that's pretty bad... But well, maybe it's for the best. I mean, you and Shauna... You know how it is when you're fighting. It affects the whole team. I think we'll be able to contain her, if you're not here to, you know... push her to her limits or something."

Jackie sends her an unimpressed stare, and Tai's face becomes apologetic.

"Sorry, Jackie. I didn't mean that it was your fault or anything. You and Shauna just know how to push each other's buttons is all."

"Jeez, Tai, you're really bad at comforting people you know that ?" Jackie laughs. "You're gonna have to work on that before Nationals."

"Fuck off," Tai responds, playfully nudging her shoulder, before wincing when Jackie lets out a shriek. "Shit, sorry."

"It's fine. Thanks for getting me to the hospital. Or well, thanks to whoever did it."

"It's Laura Lee, actually. She was worried about you so she went outside for to look for you - what an angel, Jackie could kiss her - and she saw everything. And Lottie insisted on paying for the ambulance, so don't worry about that."

Jackie hums, and Tai gets up.

"Well, I'll leave you to it. Lottie and Nat are next."

Jackie nods. She hesitates for a second, before clearing her throat. Tai turns to face her.

"Just, uh... There's valium in my bag. For Shauna. I, uh... I don't think she's gonna come say goodbye." Jackie's face burns with embarassment. She looks at her bag, not facing Tai, she couldn't bear the pitiful look on her face. "For the flight".

"Alright," Tai reaches for the bag, takes the Valium. "I'll give it to her. Take care of you."

Tai leaves, Lottie and Nat come in - Fuck, you look like shit Taylor -, then Van and sweet Laura Lee, that Jackie thanks profuselly, and Misty that somehow sneaked in. Then it's Mari, Akilah, Mélissa and Gen - how the fuck did they manage to convince the nurses to let them all in at the same time ? And they chat for a bit, but Jackie's tired, her heart isn't in the conversation and her head hurts like a bitch, so they don't stay long.

Shauna doesn't come.

When the door opens, later on the afternoon, Jackie hopes for a moment that it's her. But it's just coach Ben, informing her that he won't be staying at her side since she's 18, and that her parents are on the way - although it's hard to say when they'll actually be here. And when the door closes behind him, Jackie finally lets the tears stream down her face, and she buries her face in her pillow to muffle her choked sobs.

Later, when she's dried her tears, she rings the nurses, takes her medication and falls asleep. She dreams of Shauna screaming at her, leaving her forever. She wakes up gasping for air, too high on painkillers to separate her dreams from reality, and lingers in a half-sleeping state for hours, barely aware of her surroundings, only feeling a gut-wrenching heartache, then an explosive anger, before she finally drifts back to sleep, feeling lonelier than ever.

Jackie wakes up with a raging headache and a sore body. She checks up the clock on the wall - the plane must have had landed already. Why hadn't she been woken up by the phone ?

Because Shauna didn't call you, dumbass.

Right. Shauna didn't call her. Because she was angry at Jackie. Why Shauna was mad at her was beyond Jackie's understanding. Fuck, she wasn't the one that slept with Shauna's boyfriend, so why was she feeling so fucking guilty ?

Jackie felt the anger coming back. She vaguely recalls Shauna saying something about Brown. Had Shauna lied to her about everything ? Jeff said he cared about Shauna, Shauna said she didn't care about Jeff - had she lied about that, too ? What if she was actually in love with him ?

Jackie feels her stomach churns at that, and thinks she might be sick again, even more so when she thinks back about the fight.

I don't even know who you are anymore.

Maybe you never did.

But that wasn't true. Jackie feels the rage coming again, blinding her, making her head painfully throb, and she screams into her pillow. They'd known each other forever. Shauna's always been her best friend, Jackie can read her like an open book - or she thought she could. What changed ? When had Shauna started keeping secrets ? When had Shauna started hiding who she was in front of Jackie ?

Jackie takes a deep breath, and reaches for the phone, and - oh. Right.

She had unplugged the phone last night, out of anger. Shauna didn't even come to the hospital to see her before leaving for Nationals so Jackie knew she probably wouldn't bother calling after she landed. But Jackie took that precaution anyway, because she knew herself. Jackie knew that even after Shauna slept with her boyfriend and called her boring and insecure, all she would have to say was a simple sorry for Jackie to forgive her - and Jackie didn't want that, didn't want a shitty phone call as an apology. She felt like she deserved an apology in person.

And, well, if Jackie was honnest with herself, she also unplugged it so she wouldn't do something stupid, like calling Shauna - fuck, Jackie wasn't at fault in this situation, and she felt pathetic enough knowing she'd forgive Shauna immediately, she definitely didn't need to humiliate herself by reaching out first.

So yeah, Jackie had unplugged the phone, meaning that she missed about a thousand phone calls, and didn't hear the news from people she knew. Instead, it hit her when she turned the TV on.

The plane never landed. It most likely crashed. The Yellowjackets team was missing. And the last time she spoke with Shauna, it ended in screams and sobs and Shauna telling Jackie how much she hated her.

Chapter Text

It actually takes quite some time for Jackie to fully realize. Her parents take her home, and she absent-mindedly watches the news, barely listening, and she doesn't register the gravity of the situation.

Maybe it's because of the amount of money Mr Matthews spends on the search, or the undying resolve in his speeches that the plane is going to be found. Or maybe it's because Shauna's mom, Deb, is surprising collected and cheerful the few times they speak to each other on the phone- except for the first time, Oh thank god Jackie, the number the hospital gave me wasn't ringing, I though you somehow still went on that plane, Jackie can still hear Deb's frightened voice. She had profusely apologised, and not thought about it much.

But whatever the reason was, during the beginning of that week, it doesn't even occur to Jackie that there's a possibility of Shauna being dead. Call it denial, or whatever.

It's just that in Jackie's mind, it's a matter of time before the plane is found, it's a minor incident, and all the girls are obviously okay.

Later, she'll think really, Jackie ? A whole fucking plane disappears and you think it's a minor incident? But well, as for the present moment, yes, she does. She thinks it's nothing serious, it just can't be.

Because Shauna can't be injured, let alone dead - no, it's not a possibility. There's no reality in which Jackie is alive and Shauna isn't, that just doesn't exist. So no, it doesn't cross Jackie's mind, not once.

She realizes on the 4th day - well, night, really.

She hadn't been sleeping a lot, worrying - not about Shauna's safety, but about what was gonna happen when they reunited. What she was going to say. Would Shauna even want to see her ?

That night, all the scenarios in her head end up with Shauna screaming at her again. In every scenario Jackie just fucks up.

Realizing she isn't going to sleep, and wanting a distraction from her negative thoughts, Jackie turns the TV on, to have a background noise and think about something else. But it's the same news again, the plane is still missing, a reporter is talking, and -

"The first few days are capital, and after four days of completely inconclusive searches, the authorities are losing hope of finding these young women alive..."

Jackie freezes. Her palms get sweaty.

"...Local authorities have decided to keep the search going until May 18th, the date that would mark a week of the disappearance, for money related reasons..."

Jackie feels dizzy. What the fuck do they mean, stop the search after only a week ? For money reasons, as if the lives of fucking teenagers isn't more important.

"...One of the girl's father, Mr Matthews, who was already partially founding the search, assured that he would still be leading a search on his own on the side, hoping, and i quote, to «find the bodies, give the girls a proper burial and give their families closure»..."

Bile rises in Jackie's throat. The bodies. God, what a morbid statement. Lottie's own father was already considering she was dead.

All those fierce speeches on TV about hope sure didn't last long, huh, Mr Matthews ?

From what Jackie knew about him - which wasn't a lot - he didn't even care that much about Lottie, leaving her alone in her big empty house while going on business trips with his wife, the same way Jackie's own parents often did. All of what he did on TV was probably about keeping up appearences or something.

Jackie lets her mind wander, and of course her thoughts go back to Shauna. Shauna, scared of flying in planes, who was probably so frightened. And Jackie wasn't even here to soothe her, to hold her while the plane went down, she must've been so fucking terrified.

And maybe she still was, stranded somewhere, not knowing if anyone was ever coming for her, for all the Yellowjackets - not knowing that people were already giving up on them.

Or maybe Shauna didn't feel scared, didn't feel anything at all because she was dead, and Jackie's heart constricts in her chest, she's drowning in her own tears - when did she even start crying ?

The pain in her head had stopped a few days ago, but Jackie wishes it hadn't, because she feels like she deserves to hurt.

Fuck, Shauna had always been the smart, rational one, so whatever her reason for being mad at Jackie was, it must've been valid. Jackie curses herself for being too drunk to listen to what Shauna was screaming at Lottie's party - though there had been a lot of insults so it probably wasn't very helpful in term of what Jackie had done wrong.

Jackie had hurt her, even if she didn't know how. She had hurt her so much that Shauna slept with Jackie's boyfriend as a revenge. And Jackie doesn't feel anger anymore about that, just utter devastation. Because Jackie doesn't give a fuck about Jeff - she hadn't heard of him since the party, and she couldn't find it in herself to care - but she does care about Shauna. So much. She always chose her over Jeff - didn't Shauna know that ? How could she not ? Wasn't it enough ?

I don't even know who you are anymore.

Maybe you never did.

Shauna might be dead. Shauna might have died being a stranger to Jackie, feeling like a stranger to Jackie.

Jackie sobs, and sobs, and sobs, and in the morning when she wakes up, not remembering how she fell asleep, eyes bloodshot and dark circles under, her mom sends her a pitiful look. Jackie doesn't know if it's better than the usual disdain, but at least her mother doesn't try to speak to her. She doesn't say a word about Jeff or a backhanded comment about her weight. Little victories.

Jackie can't stand to watch TV anymore. The news of the crash comes up less and less, it's not a hot topic, people are not interested anymore. Each time it does come up, there's nothing Jackie doesn't already know.

Summer break is a blessing, because thank god she doesn't have to go to school, to hear the whispers and to face the stares - usually Jackie loves it, but the queen of gossip Mari wouldn't be there, and it wouldn't be the good kind of stares (not the usual ones of admiration, no, it would be pity, and she already has enough of that with her mother).

But it's also a curse, because it means being stuck at home with her parents, who are probably the least compassionate people Jackie knows.

With them Jackie is on edge all the time. She feels like a fucking ticking bomb, closer and closer to explode at every snarky remark and overall disgusting comment they throw about her teammates, her friends. Jackie feels angry at them for being so detached about it all, for not once caring about how Jackie's doing.

She feels angry at everyone who abandoned the searches, leaving her friends for dead.

She feels angry at Shauna, for not coming by the hospital to say goodbye before she left.

And she feels fucking pissed at herself for leaving it like that with Shauna.

So when her mother tries to say something about Shauna, but uses the past tense, Jackie finally loses it because Shauna is not dead. She lets out all her anger, yells until her voice is hoarse, and breaks a vase for good mesure.

The worse part is her mother's reaction. Jackie expected venomous words, she expected a slap, she expected a fury that would match her own and only escalate. But she only receives silence and another pitiful look, and Jackie feels sick, she has to get out of her house.

That's how she finds herself at Shauna's front door. She had to make a detour to avoid passing by Mélissa's house on the way - she wouldn't stand to see the mourning look on her relatives' face.

Shakily, she knocks on the door, and Deb opens.

Jackie hadn't seen her since before the party. They spoke on the phone a few times, and Deb's voice was as cheerful as always, but in person, with bags under her eyes and messy hair, she doesn't look very chipper. And seeing her like this is such a stark contrast with how full of life she usually is - Jackie feel tears coming back in her eyes.

Deb immediately notices, because of course she does. "Oh, Jackie, honey", she whispers, delicately tugging her inside. As soon as the door closes, Deb pulls her in a hug and Jackie start uncontrollably sobbing.

She doesn't know how long they stay like this. Deb doesn't let her go, and Jackie sinks in the comfort she knows she'll never get from her own parents, until she feels nothing but numbness and exhaustion.

Once Jackie's cries finally stop, they sit in silence in the living room, Jackie nervously picking at her nails.

"I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't have come".

"Nonsense, Jackie. You're always welcome here. Especially now, it's... It's good to see you, with everything going on. Thank you for coming by."

"It's just that... I'm not sure Shauna would even want me here." Jackie feels the tears threatening to come back. She blinks them away. "I think she hated me".

Deb lets out a disbelieving laugh, probably the first since the news of the disappearance, and it's so... so unexpected, and so genuine, that Jackie can't help but chuckle too, and soon they're both laughing hysterically - the kind that have you clutch your chest and gasp for air. Tears start streaming down Jackie's face again, and she doesnt even know if she's laughing or crying anymore.

When the laughter dies down, Deb takes Jackie's hands in her own, a serious expression in her face.

"Jackie honey, I love you, but that's probably the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my entire life and trust me, whit my idiotic ex-husband I've heard a lot." Jackie lets out a weak laugh at that. She thinks she really doesn't deserve any of the Shipman women.

"It's just... She was mad at me before the flight, like really mad, and she said all those horrible things and..." She sniffles, not really knowing what else to say. "I don't even know what I did but she was so angry with me, and we - we've had fights but never like that. And she said I didn't even know her and - and I don't think she really wants to be friends anymore."

Deb must think that it's such a silly thing to worry about, when there are bigger issues, like Shauna's safety. It's just that her friendship with Shauna is like the most important part of her life. It doesn't sound silly to her. And she can't bring herself to approach the subject of the plane accident anyway.

Deb sighs. "Look, Jackie, Shauna isn't great with emotions. To write them in her journal, no problem, but to actually talk about them ? She's not the best. So, whatever she was feeling at that moment, I'm not surprised it ended up in a fight - she has some sort of anger issues I think, and I'm to blame for never doing anything about it. Make her talk to someone about it or something, I don't really know."

"I had never been the one she was angry with. Not like that."

"Yeah," Deb smiles sadly, "It's not fun. But what I was saying is, whatever she was mad about wasn't enough to make her want to stop being friends with you. You're her best friend Jackie, and anyone with two eyes can see how she cares about you. You've been friends for so long that I don't even remember a time where you two weren't joined at the hip - I know you know her, even if it's not everything, every detail of her life, you know her essence, you know who she is, what she loves."

Jackie nods. She isn't too sure she agrees though. It feels like there's so much she doesn't know.

"And you being here with me right now shows me that you care about her too. Whatever the issue was, you two will figure it out. And when she's back, she'll be glad that you were there, worrying about making things right with her."

Jackie nods again, with more conviction this time.

"We'll be alright," she whispers.

It's Deb's turn to nod. "Yeah. Everything will be okay."

Another week passes by in a blur, all days the same, waiting for some good news, trying to eat, barely sleeping. By May 31th, when Mr Matthews announces that he finally abandonnes the searches, Jackie has practically moved in with Deb.

Jackie sleeps on the couch and wears her own clothes, the one that Shauna kept for when Jackie slept over. She had blindly reached for them in the closet, eyes closed, because she wasn't ready to face Shauna's room. It probably hadn't changed from the last time Jackie went, and she knows it would be too much to look. Too much memories, too much Shauna yet not enough of her. She had grabbed a few of Shauna's clothes along the way, burying her nose in them and inhaling Shauna's sent.

That's how she finds herself, drapped in Shauna's favorite flannel, watching with Deb in silence, as Wiskayok's mayor declares that a common memorial service is planned for the next day.

Jackie's mother calls her, for the first time since she left. She doesn't mention her outburst, just insists that Jackie should go to the memorial. When the We have to keep up the appearances bullshit argument doesn't land, Mrs Taylor tries a different approach. "Jacqueline, she was your best friend - " Jackie grits her teeth, resisting the urge to throw the phone against the wall.

"I'm not gonna watch people mourn her mom, she isn't dead. When she comes back, she..."

"And what if she doesn't ?" Her mother cuts her. "In 10 years, will you still be at Mrs Shipman's house, waiting for the rest of your life for a ghost that isn't coming back ?"

Yes, she thinks. I'd wait forever.

"And I know you two were close," Mrs Taylor continues without waiting for an answer. "But Shauna was always such a bad influence. I would have understood if it had been your boyfriend-"

Jackie hangs up. She gets even less sleep than usual that night.

In the morning, Deb goes to the memorial. It's not that she believes that Shauna is dead. She could never - as long as no body is found, she'll believe that her little girl is still alive. But she needs to meet with people who understand. And Jackie does, in a way, and Deb is grateful to have her - but she can't understand completely. Losing a best friend and losing a daughter is not the same, and they both know it.

It's also a way to give Deb closure somehow, and to give her the strenght to go on with her life. She'd have to go back to work in a couple days, her boss had been understanding but almost a month had passed and she was needed. That also meant that Jackie had to go home. Her parents were growing more and more impatient with her, insisting that she had to come back, but what truly convinces her is that she knows she can't face the Shipman's house alone, without Deb to distract her from all her memories that she has there.

While Deb's gone, Jackie packs her stuff - well, more like Shauna's stuff, because she's definitely only bringing back flannels - and she wonders. She misses everyone in the team - even coach Martinez, and that is not something she thought she ever would.

So yeah, she misses her friends, but with Shauna it's not the same. It feels like so much more. It's visceral.

She knows that Shauna is her best friend, but there's something in the way she misses her, in the way she physically feels her absence. In the way her heart sinks at the thought of never seeing her ever again, making her head spin and her breathing short. She misses Shauna so much she can't feel anything but a burning ache in her chest.

Sometimes, the term best friend even feels ridiculous to describe their relationship. Best friends doesn't even begin to cover it. It's so much more than that.

Jackie doesn't really know why or how it's so much more than that though, why it feels like more than just normal friendship. It just is. It scares her a bit sometimes. She isn't sure she really wants to know.

It's a couple weeks later that Jackie understands.

She still comes over from time to time. That day, Deb had offered her to stay the night, and Jackie had obviously agreed.

Maybe it was because it had been weeks since she'd last slept here, or maybe a totaly unrelated reason - whatever it was, that night, Jackie dreamed of Shauna. Now that was a pretty common occurrence, Shauna was haunting her dreams every nights - but not like that.

Shauna is on top of Jeff, and Jackie is in a corner, she can't move, can't do anything but keep her eyes on the pair.

"Are you just gonna stay here and watch or are you gonna stop me ?"

Shauna's tone is mocking, and Jackie notices that while she's hovering over Jeff, she isn't actually kissing him or trying to touch him - it's like she is just doing it to provoke Jackie. It's enough to spurr her out of her trance, and suddenly Jackie can move again. She grabs Shauna's wrist, harshly tugs her out of the room and closes the door.

They're in another room now, it's so dark Jackie can only make out Shauna's face - not that she'd want to see anything else anyway. She details her round cheeks, her pretty nose, her big soft eyes, her curvy lips. Jackie wants her.

The realisation makes her stop in her tracks, dread and excitement fill her body. Shauna seems to understand exactly what is going on in Jackie's head because she chuckles, low and confident, and it does something to Jackie. Her body reacts, she is pulled towards Shauna, and the crash of their lips feels inevitable.

They had kissed before. Once, when they were 13, because Jackie had insisted they needed to practice for boys. Jackie still remembers vividly - she wishes she didn't.

She remembers the buzzing under her skin, the warmth in her chest.

She had thought that's what kissing felt like. She had been wrong. Had chased that feeling on Jeff's lips, on other boys' lips during spin the bottle games, to no avail.

But here, as Dream-Shauna slips her tongue in Jackie's mouth, the feeling is back, and oh. It's not what kissing feels like, she understands. It's what kissing Shauna feels like. That's the difference.

Then Shauna grows bolder, her hands drift lower, Jackie melts in her arms. Shauna's mouth finds her neck, Jackie feels teeth against her pulsing point and -

Jackie jolts awake. No. This is not happening. She cannot dream about things like that, feel things like that. Not about Shauna.

Shame fills her body as she curls up on herself. Her best friend is missing and Jackie is, what, fantasizing about her ? It's so wrong. Under Deb's roof - what would she think about Jackie is she knew ? She'd be disgusted. She let Jackie in her house, and she thinks about her daughter like that.

Jackie blinks back tears. Her parents would hate her. They would throw her out of their house and never speak to her again. She can still hear he mom's voice filled with disgust, stating that Jacqueline you can't play soccer, you know that team is probably full of dy- She shudders. No, she wasn't gay. People have dreams like that about their best friends all the time. Right ?

It didn't have to mean anything. It's not like Jackie ever thought about girls like that.

Well, there was this one time, at a party when Mari had been dared to give some guy a lap dance, and Jackie hadn't been able to tear her gaze away from her body. From the way she moved, every movement provocatively exaggerated but so smooth. From Mari's face, a glint of amusement in her eyes, smile delighted, basking in the attention, uninhibited by alcohol, looking so pretty in the shitty basement lights. Jackie had put it all on jealousy of not being the one with all eyes on her, and promptly buried away any thought of what would it feel like if I was this guy, that left her hot all over and a bit breathless.

Or at their first practice ever when she hadn't been able to stop staring at Lottie's toned legs, so much that she had fucked up every pass in her direction, earning an impatient get it together or you'll be benched for your first game from coach Martinez. But she had told herself she was just admirative of her teammate's shape. Like, impressed in a I wish my legs looked like that way, and nothing more. And if in the locker room her eyes had wandered on Taissa's abs for a second too long, it was for the same reason.

She didn't have any logical excuse though, the day they had a bonding sleepover and when Laura Lee had so excitedly shown them how she learned how to make shadow animals with her hands, the entire time Jackie had stared at her long fingers moving instead of the shadows.

Jackie feels herself flush. Okay, so there's a possibility that perhaps she might be a teeny-tiny bit gay. It feels even more wrong to think about Laura Lee like that, of all people. With her sweet innocence and her faith in God...

God.

Now, Jackie isn't religious, but her parents are. Devoted christians, dragging her along to mess every sunday. And if the church she goes to - very white and conservative - has taught her one thing, it's that God hates the gays. Which means...

Shit. Jackie feels her vision blur, and she suddenly has trouble breathing - it's been happening a lot recently, and she still doesn't know how to deal with it. Her mother had called her dramatic for it not even three days ago, and Jackie had tried to keep her composure while excusing herself, only allowing herself to break on the floor, gasping, in the security of her room. Here though, she should be fine, because there is no one -

"Jackie honey, are you okay ?"

Jackie closes her eyes. Fuck, of course Deb would choose that moment for her nightly glass of water. She tries to open her mouth, say that she's fine but only a gasp escapes, and she can't see through her tears, and she can't hear anything but the frantic beating of her heart.

She can still feel though, feel Deb's gentle hands on her shoulders, Deb slowly guiding her to sit on the couch, Deb wiping her tears. And Jackie can see again, see Deb deeply inhaling and encouraging Jackie to do the same.

Every short, shaky breath hurts but Jackie still tries, and she feels the air slowly coming back in her lungs and the world stop spinning. She breathes with Deb until she finally feels her heartbeat steady.

"There it is honey, it's okay," Deb says softly. "It's okay."

But it's not, and Jackie shakes her head.

"I'm sorry," she whispers, and she's crying again. "I'm - fuck, I'm so sorry."

"Don't apologise sweetheart," Deb responds, and Jackie can't take all that kindness, not after that.

"No, you don't - you don't understand. It's my fault, it's all my fault, I'm sorrry -"

"What is your fault, Jackie ?"

"The crash." Jackie screws her eyes shut. "It's my fault."

"Jackie, it's not - of course it's not your fault. It's an accident, you can't blame yourself for this, it's -"

"It's God punishing me," Jackie cuts her.

Deb blinks.

"It's... what ?" She sounds a bit stunned, clearly not expecting that.

"I did something horrible," Jackie says, voice wavering. "Like, I had horrible, unholy thoughts and it's - it's to punish me. God took Shauna away because I thought - because she's - because I'm..."

She shakes her head, incapable of finishing her sentence, and another sob wracks her body. Deb pulls her in a firm hug.

"Jackie, it is not God... punishing you. Everyone has thoughts that go against Him, but God - God loves us. He forgives us. His son died for our sins. Whatever it was, Jackie, that plane didn't disappear because of you."

Jackie shakes her head. "You don't get it. Shauna, I... I thought about her, like the way - the way I'm supposed to think about Jeff. About boys. And I..."

Her voice breaks. She takes a shaky inhale, and looks at Deb with pleading eyes.

" I was - I am in love with her. I'm sorry, I can't help it I - I wish I could, and I know it's wrong -"

"Jackie."

Deb voice is so gentle, and her grips tighten against Jackie.

"Baby, I don't know what your parents told you but it's not - it's not wrong for you to be in love with a girl. It's not wrong for you to be in love with Shauna. It's - it's beautiful, love is beautiful, I need you to know that and believe it. It's okay."

Jackie shakes her head again. "It's not. Shauna would hate me. My parents would kick me out -"

"Shauna wouldn't hate you. I raised her better than that. And your parents would be assholes if they did."

Jackie doesn't know what surprises her the most, the curse or the intensity of Deb's voice.

"Parents are supposed to love their child unconditionally and kick them out for - for who their heart choose, for who they are, is so cruel, I don't even... I just can't imagine."

Jackie hears Deb sniffle, taking a shaky breath before continuing. "I mean, I just want my Shauna back, I'd give anything, anything, and some parents would just throw their child out of their life for something so - so insignificant..."

Deb shakes her head, and Jackie feels a few tears on her shoulders.

"Whatever happens honey, you'll always be a part of this family. And you'll always have a place to stay here."

Jackie nods as she sinks further in the embrace, sobbing, but she feels a bit lighter. She doesn't feel dirty like she did waking up.

And whatever her parents are going to say when they find out don't feel like it matters anymore. Because Deb accepts Jackie, and she is the only one that ever gave her love in a way a mother is supposed to do, therefore the only one whose opinion truly matters to Jackie.

On the morning after, when they wake up, Jackie still curled in Deb's arms, they decide to have diner together every evening. It would be a way for Jackie to escape her parents - or her empty house when they inevitably leave for yet another business trip - and it would help Deb to find a sense of normality. To feel like everything is going to be okay.

The feeling that everything's going to be alright doesn't last long. As soon as she's back home, Jackie feels awful.

First it's her mother's piercing stares. Jackie feels so much more aware of it now, like a burn on her skin. She feels like if she looks at her mother in the eyes for too long, her mother will just know her big secret.

And what a secret that is. It's actually worse than what Jackie thought. Because there isn't just the fact that she likes girls, it's the fact that she likes – that she loves – Shauna.

It just makes her reconsider everything. All the interactions they ever had. All the times that they slept at each other's house, in the same bed. All the time she clung to Shauna when she was drunk. All the time she'd pushed her towards Randy, only ever chosing him because she knew for sure that Shauna would never go out with him.

It seems so evident now, that Jackie can't comprehend how she missed it. She thought Shauna was gorgeous, breath-taking, the kind of beauty that inspires poets and that painters try their whole life to recreate. She always wanted to see Shauna, she cancelled on her boyfriend so many times just to hang out with her. She felt so much more from a simple smile Shauna threw her way than she ever did in years of dating Jeff.

When Jackie thought about her wedding day, she had no problem imagining Shauna, beautiful in her maid of honor dress – that Jackie imagined white, huh, what a coincidence – but she could never picture her husband, just a shapeless shadow with no face. And when she thought about growing old, Shauna was always there, playing with her kids, while Jackie's husband would always be gone, busy working.

And that's what was probably the worse part. Because it wasn't just Jeff, the problem – it was that she never let let her gaze linger on a boy the way it did on girls. And even trying really hard, Jackie could not imagine herself being intimate with a man, ever.

And not intimate as just sex. More like intimate generally. She couldn't imagine sharing her most intimate thoughts, bearing her heart out to a man the way she did with Shauna. She couldn't imagine just laying together on a bed, intertwined, in silence, just finding comfort in each other's presence, with a man. Couldn't imagine cooking a man his favorite meal or bringing him a gift to comfort him. Couldn't imagine slow dancing in the kitchen, head on a man's chest, and meaning it.

And that realization – that she didn't like men – was a lot more to take in that the realization of liking women.

Because even if she somehow ever got over Shauna, and fell in love again, it still would be with a woman. Never with a man. No fairy tales prince charming, no wedding and kids, no happily ever after.

Everything that Jackie spent her entire life dreaming about, she would never have. And that hurt more than any awful words her parents throwing at her face ever would.

Jackie starts taking driving lessons again. To distract herself from thinking about her sexuality or about Shauna all day.

Maybe this time she'll actually be successfull. Third time's the charm, after all.

Jackie is in the kitchen, carefully listening to Deb, who is attempting to teach her how to cook something other than toast or scrambled eggs, when they're interrupted by knocks on the door. They exchange a frowning glace - they aren't expecting anyone.

When Deb opens the door, Jackie immediately recognizes the man standing there, although she hadn't seen him in over a decade.

Shauna's dad.

"Gary. I... didn't expect you here."

He comes in, apologizing for not informing her he was coming. Jackie knew that they had somewhat reconnected after he had learned about the crash, and that they had tried to keep contact, at least a phone call a week, to share any potential news - there was never any, but it was nice to hear a familiar voice.

Jackie didn't expect him to come all the way to Wiskayok though. Neither did Deb, apparently, who slowly adds another plate on the table and gestures him to go sit and have diner with them. For a moment, they just awkwardly catch up. It's soon painfully evident how little Gary knows about his daughter. The man probably doesn't even know Shauna's birthday. Deb seems to come to the same conclusion, frowning slightly.

"I want to have a funeral for Shauna. It's been two months, Deborah, I think it's time."

Jackie and Deb stare at him, mouth agape. It had been years since the last time he tried to contact Shauna. He had a new life, a new family, new children that he spent time with, while never making an effort for Shauna - did he even consider her her daughter anymore ? - and now he was swanning in, requesting a fucking funeral. Jackie was fuming.

The thing is, there had been private funerals. After the common memorial, tombstones with her friends name were slowly added next to each other in Wiskayok's graveyard. One by one, families of the victims had organized obsequies, burying empty caskets. Jackie didn't go to any of them.

Not all families did it though. Deb hadn't.

And now, there Shauna's dad was, having the audacity to ask Deb to organize a funeral. For her daughter. For his daughter.

It's probably an excuse for him to finally put Shauna in the past without feeling guilty, Jackie bitterly thinks. At least if she's dead, she won't ever have to find out about how eager her father was to bury her.

It's a pretty fucked up thing to think, she realizes. She hates that it's her first thought.

She hates that she has thoughts like that at all, little slips in her belief that Shauna is still alive. She hates that sometimes she thinks of the brunette in the past tense.

Because Jackie wants to believe that Shauna is still alive somewhere, but she isn't sure she actually believes it anymore. Not wholeheartedly like she did at first. But at the same time, she doesn't allow herself to mourn Shauna, because the pain of the grief would be enough to kill her, she thinks. She can't imagine she'd ever be able to move on with her life, after a loss this big - after losing a part of herself, in a way. So she is stuck in this painful in-between.

And deep down, Jackie knows the only reason she feels angry at Gary for wanting a funeral because she can't accept that a part of her still wants that too, despite the pain that would come with it. Because it's tiring to pretend that Shauna will come back, and it hurts to see her hopes crushed. It feels like life is slipping away from her body a bit more with each passing day.

Deb agrees to the funeral - Gary is still Shauna's father, she can't deny him the right to say goodbye. Jackie agrees to come.

That's how she finds herself, two days later, dressed in black in Wyskayok's graveyard. She is half-dissociating the entire time, and the ceremony is a blur in her mind. She just follows Deb around, eyes empty.

She's still not totally realizing that this is Shauna's fucking funeral. The fact that it's Shauna's father that planned it - Deb couldn't bring herself to do it - doesn't help. It's just an awful mix things Jackie knows Shauna would have despised.

When it's finally over, Jackie doesn't feel like she got closure at all. She wordlessly gets in Deb's car, and there's a silent understanding between them. Neither has to say a word to know that Jackie will be spending the night at the Shipman's.

When they get home, Jackie goes straight to the attic, and finally faces Shauna's room.

It's the exact same, nothing has changed. It looks a bit hollow somehow, lifeless, like the room is feeling Shauna's absence.

Jackie lets her eyes wander everywhere, taking in all the details. She looks at every photo, closing her eyes to let the memories of where and when it was taken wash over her. She desperately wishes she could go back to when they were so young and careless, and their only concern was not to break their curfew.

Jackie didn't cry at the funeral, but in this room full of Shauna and her - because she is everywhere, she hadn't realized how much of herself there was among Shauna's stuff - she completely breaks down.

That night, she sleeps in Shauna's bed, nose buried in a pillow the way she used to bury it in the crook of Shauna's neck.

"Your mom hasn't been updating the calendar."

It's still displaying May. Jackie reaches out for it, flips the page, and settles it on the right month - August.

"Stuck on the month of the crash... I feel like that too. Crazy how it's already been three months, huh ?"

There's no answer to that, because Jackie isn't talking to anyone. Well, not talking to anyone actually here.

But yeah, she had started talking to Shauna.

She doesn't like... see her or anything. She just pretends that Shauna is there. Makes the same comments she knows would make her laugh, and she giggles at herself, imagining Shauna's reaction.

Jackie knows she'd look crazy to anyone who might see her, so she does it mostly in her head, speaking aloud only when she's sure she's alone.

And she knows it's probably not healthy but it's the only thing keeping her sane - well, sane might be a strong word considering she's literally talking to herself, but you know. As sane as she can be in these circumstances.

And right now, she feels far from sane, tapping her fingers on the table, eyeing the letter on the table. The result to her driving test.

She isn't anxious about the result - she already opened the letter, saw that she got it. She officially can drive. It's just that... Now what ?

"Fuck, now if I take my parents' car for a drive I know I won't just focus on the road. Why are you always in my thoughts, Shipman ?"

Jackie lays back in her chair, contemplative.

"You know what, I should borrow your car or something. I know it's shittier than my parents' car but it's yours, so it's better in a way. Like, I'll literally be surrounded by you, so maybe you won't be in my mind for once ? Ugh, I don't think that's how it works, but. I should still try. And I know I almost ran someone over last time I borrowed it but this time I won't. I'll be careful, I promise."

Silence is the only answer she gets. She sighs.

"I miss you, Shipman."

The start of the academic year is only a few weeks away. Jackie closes her eyes, resting her forehead on the table. She really has to get it together until then.

She doesn't. Get it together, that is. It's September already, Jackie leaves for Rutgers.

Her parents refuse that she takes their car, so Deb kindly offers her to take Shauna's.

"I have my own, so nobody is going to use it anyway. Take it," she shrugs. "That way, you'll always have a part of Shauna with you."

Jackie has never been more careful driving in her entire life.

The campus is big, and it's a good thing, she thinks. A fresh start. (She knows it isn't though, not really, half of Wiskayok goes to Rutgers. Still, she pretends).

She gets worse. Everytimes she sees a brunette around her height, or even just someone wearing flannels, her heart stops for a second and she does a double-take, just to make sure - to make sure of what exactly, she doesn't know. She's very aware of the fact that Shauna isn't here. Still, she can't help herself to look for her in anyone that might remotely look like her. Shauna isn't here, but Jackie sees her everywhere.

She shares a dorm with a girl, Amy, who is really friendly and who immediately includes Jackie in her friend group. They're all nice enough, and they don't ask why Jackie sometimes got a haunted look on her face, or who the girl on every pictures she hangs in her room is. They don't ask why the pictures are turned backwards sometimes, when Jackie can't stand too look at them.

They make Jackie go to parties, and she agrees just to get drunk and make out with pretty brunettes. But all the alcohol she drinks is never enough to make her forget that she isn't with Shauna. The girls are never the perfect height, their lips are a bit too thin, or a bit too soft.

The feeling is still nice in the moment - she craves it, craves feeling wanted - but it leaves her feeling shitty and emptier than ever when she stops and goes back to her dorm, to lie in the dark for hours, unable to sleep, scared of being haunted by accusatory big brown eyes if she closes her eyes.

She feels guilty for going on with her life with Shauna not there. She kind of punishes herself for it sometimes.

She imagines what Shauna potentially went through, what she might be going through right now if she's still alive, and she tries to replicate it.

She'll think Shauna must be starving out there, so she doesn't eat for three days, until she feels dizzy and Amy forces her to sit down and spoon-feeds her.

Another time, about a month after the start of classes, Jackie thinks about the crash as she's smoking outside at a party. She thinks about how it all went down. Maybe the plane caught flame. Maybe they all burned alive.

She takes one last hit of her cigarette, before putting it out on her arm.

She feels the sting immediately, but keeps the cigarette against her skin. Was this what Shauna felt like, in that plane in fire ? Burning, burning, burning, all alone. Jackie wishes she could have taken the brunette's place. She'd set herself aflame if it could bring Shauna back.

A voice shouts her name in the distance. Jackie startles. Quickly, she throws the cigarette aways. She stares at the mark on her arm, feeling a bit dizzy. It's definitely going to leave a scar. Good, she thinks.

Fuck, maybe she's finally lost it.

Jackie sleeps terribly. She can't remember the last time she had a full night of sleep. She has nightmares, jolts awake sweating almost every night, but still refuses to take the sleeping pills her mother gives her. Dreams - nightmares - are the only way for her to see Shauna. She waits for sleep with anticipation as much as dread.

So when the ringing of the phone startles her out of her half-sleeping state she seriously considers unplugging the phone and throwing it out of the window. But she remembers that last time she did that - well, unplugged the phone, not threw it out - she missed the biggest and most devastating news of her life.

So she just angrily gets up, and picks up the phone. Before she can even open her mouth, the voice on the other end speaks.

"Jackie ?"

She immediately recognizes who's speaking - Deb. Her voice is wavering, and it's - she checks the clock - fucking 3:27 a.m., so something must be seriously wrong.

"Deb, hi, what's - is everything okay ?"

"They - they survived, Jackie. There are survivors."

There's a long pause. Jackie's brain is still groggy from sleep, she isn't sure she understands what's going on.

"Deb, what... What are you talking about ?"

"Shauna, and the girls, they found a plane. Or a - a helicopter or something, I don't know, I... I don't have the details."

Jackie's head is spinning. It sounds like a horrible joke. It sounds like all her prayers have been answered.

"One of the girls, Laura Lee I think ?" Deb continues, "She flew that goddamn thing. Found people. They're - they're looking for them, as we speak."

Jackie grips the phone so hard her knuckles turn white. She feels dizzy, she feels... She doesn't even know what she feels like. She thinks she might throw up. Her vision starts to blur a bit, she has to sit down.

She can't handle it. She can't have her hopes being raised just to be crushed again, she can't handle another round of unsuccessful searches. She swallows harshly, forces herselft to speak.

"Did Laura Lee said who was..." Jackie doesn't finish her sentence - Deb understands her anyway. Who was still alive.

"No. Well, maybe, I don't know, they didn't say anything."

Jackie doesn't know who "they" refers to. She doesn't ask.

"But we'll know soon enough. They should find the team this time, with Laura Lee guiding them."

"I'm coming back to Wiskayok," Jackie says. "If there's any update before I'm there, just... leave a note at your house or something. I know where the spare key is. Just... I'll be as fast as I can."

"Won't you be in trouble for skipping class ?"

"It's Friday, it's basically the week-end. I'll only skip one day, I'll be fine. I'm afraid there's nothing you could say to convince me to wait at Rutgers for one whole day after a news like that."

Deb chuckles. "Yeah, I figured. But it's still dark out there, so be really careful on the road, alright ?"

"I will," Jackie promises. She hangs up, makes herself a coffee - she hates the taste but god does she need it to clear her head.

The drive usually takes about 1h15, but the roads are empty so there's no traffic, and Jackie speeds a little so she makes it in 57 minutes. Liz Phair is playing in the speaker the entire time.

After parking in front of the Shipman's house - she can see the lights on, which means Deb is still in there wainting for news - she pauses for a minute, hands on the wheel.

This is it. In the next hours, she'll either see Shauna again, or learn she lost her forever.

Chapter Text

The wait for news - any news - is excruciatingly long. Jackie paces and paces in Deb's living room, before finally sitting down when she notices the slight irritation on the other woman's face - not that she'd ever say it out loud. So instead, she restlessly picks at her fingers and fidgets. She watches by the windows, as the sun rises and slowly follows its course in the sky. Deb forces her to eat at lunch, even if she feels like throwing up.

The ringing of the phone, in the evening, startles her so bad she almost falls of her chair.

Deb immediately picks it up, and Jackie can't hear the other person's voice, just Shauna's mom answers - Yes, it's me... My daughter, yes. Shauna Shipman, S-H-I-P-M-... Yes, it's her, is she... Oh thank god !"

Jackie immediately perks up. She can see a turmoil of emotions on Deb's face, but relief is predominant. Jackie feels like there's a weight lifted off her shoulders, and she feels a little lightheaded, vaguely hearing the conversation going on - Is she here, Can I... Can I talk to her ? Oh. Alright, yes, I understand. Where... Hold on one second, let me grab some paper and a pen... Thank you, thank you so much, yes, I'm going right now."

Deb hangs up and Jackie can see her hands shaking, she's smiling and laughing and crying a bit too.

"She's fine. Shauna's fine, she's in the hospital."

And suddenly Deb is pulling her in a bear hug, so tight it's crushing her but Jackie holds her even tighter. Her legs feel so wobbly she isn't sure can stand if Deb lets her go.

"She's alive." She says dumbly. "She's okay".

Deb laughs a little again, it comes out watery - "Yes honey, she's okay."

Jackie closes her eyes, holds onto Deb for a second more, before suddenly letting go. She starts incoherently babbling about having to go to the hostpial like, right this second, she trips and almost falls and then trips again, and Deb is still laughing.

Jackie can't remember the last time she felt so light.

The hospital is packed, some people are talking vehemently, some are crying. While Deb goes to talk to a nurse, Jackie eavesdropes here and there. From what she gathers, the whole crew - the flight attendants and the pilots -, coach Martinez and two girls, Rachel and Crystal, died, while coach's son, Javi, was still missing. Jackie's heart breaks for their families.

The nurses allow up to four people by room for visit, but there are paparazzis huddled around the hospital, so they're careful as to only authorize access to family. Deb has to argue for about ten minutes before a doctor tiredly agrees to let Jackie come with her. She follows Deb in the white hallways, regretting not going with her to know the room number, a nerve-wracking excitation filling her up with each step she takes.

Jackie sneaks glances in every room they pass by, hoping to see familiar flannels – she doesn't, but in one of them, she sees Nat, Van and Lottie, sprawled out all over the bed and on the floor. There's no sign of any of their families.

Jackie tugs gently at Deb's sleeve.

"I'll let you have a moment with Shauna, I'll see her after you two finish talking. I'm just..." She leaves her sentence in suspense, poiting towards the door where she saw her friends. Deb nods in understanding.

"Thank you, honey. See you in a minute."

They part ways, and Jackie gently knocks. Three heads turn towards her, surprise visible on their faces.

"Hi guys," She says, waiting awkwardly by the door.

They all look different. Lottie is as tall as ever, but way thinner, and has a faraway look in her eyes. Nat's black roots are showing. Van's face is covered in scars, and Jackie can't stop herself from staring. Van immediately notices.

"You should've seen the other guy," she jokes, and it's enough to diffuse the tension and the awkward energy in the room. Jackie chuckles with the others and lets herself in the room, dropping on a chair near the bed.

"So," Jackie says. "I can't believe that throwing myself in front of a car probably saved my life."

"Yeah, it definitely did," Van grins. "No doubt you would've been absolutely useless out there."

"Hey !" Jackie exclaims in mock offence.

"You probablement would've like, frozen to death after failing to light a fire or something."

There's a smile in Lottie's voice as she speaks, but the way she says it still sends a shiver down Jackie's spine. She laughs weakly with the others at the taller girl's joke. It was a joke, right ?

"I'm glad that you guys are okay." She says softly.

"Yeah," Nat mumbles, fighting back tears, "it's good to be back. Missed you."

Any other time, Jackie would have definitely teased her, but she just nods, wrapping the blonde in a side hug. Nat huffs as if to protest, but melts against her and let her head rest against Jackie's shoulder.

"Aww, group hug !" Van exclaims, before engulfing the two girls in a big embrace. Lottie, amused, simply pats Jackie's shoulder.

"Damn, I'm only gone for five seconds and someone's already stealing my girlfriend."

They part and Van rolls her eyes affectionately as her best friend - girlfriend ?? enters the room. Jackie doesn't comment on the term, simply smiles at Tai.

"Nice haircut."

"Thanks Taylor, I'll give you my hairdresser's reference if you want."

Jackie snorts. Suddenly, Tai takes a very serious face.

"Actually, Jackie, I have a bad news." Jackie feel all the blood leave her face in an instant.

"Remember when I promised you we'd come back champions ? Well, there was a slight change of plan."

Jackie lets out a strangled laugh.

"Fuck off, you scared me you asshole !"

Van erupts in laughter, followed by Tai, and soon they're all laughing, and Jackie is so grateful for them and their dumb jokes. So grateful that they're alive.

Deb interrumps them.

"I'm going home to bring Shauna some clothes, I don't know how long the doctors will keep her here. You can see her now if you want, Jackie. Hi, girls."

Thay all wave at her – hi, Mrs Shipman – and Deb smiles kindly before leaving.

"You should go," Lottie says softly.

But Jackie's a bit scared all of a sudden. There was something off in Deb's tone when she spoke, and she saw her friends exchange glances - was there something wrong with Shauna ? Was she injured, hurt ?

"Is, uh - Is Shauna okay ?"

The four girls exchange hesitant looks again.

"Yeah, she... You should just go see her," Lottie simply says.

Jackie nods. "Okay, I'll... I'm going. I really missed you guys."

She pulls every one of them in another tight hug for good mesure, then she leaves. She almost immediately bumps into Laura Lee, who seemed to be headed towards the room Jackie just left.

All smile, her dimple in full display, blond hair messily falling in her face, she's tightly clutching a teddy bear against her. Maybe it's because Jackie's severely sleep deprived, but she thinks that in that moment, Laura Lee truly looks ethereal, like an angel.

"Jackie, hi ! Sorry, I wasn't looking where I was going."

"Hey, Laura Lee. It's all good, I wasn't paying attention either."

"I'm going to see Lottie. It's this room I believe ?"

Jackie is a bit baffled at how casual this conversation is.

"Yeah," she answers. "I was just in there. She's with Nat, Van and Tai."

Laura Lee hums.

"I just saw Tai going in, so I figured I'd find Van there too. I'm glad Nat is also there, I wanted to see her next. You've seen Shauna already I presume ?"

"No actually, not yet. I was headed there."

Laura Lee's eyes comically widen. "Oh, sorry !" She exclaims. "You can go, I don't want to waste your time here. I'm sure you must be dying to see her. She's missed you a lot."

Jackie's heart swells up in her chest.

"Of course you're not wasting my time. I'm always glad to talk to you, Laura Lee. And thank you, for bringing back the girls, and, um. Bringing back Shauna."

Laura Lee smiles sweetly at her, pulls her in a hug. "Don't thank me, thank the Lord. Flying the plane was only my purpose." She pulls back then pushes Jackie towards the other doors.

"Now go, don't make Shauna wait !"

Jackie nods, turns back then turns towards Laura Lee again. "Actually, do you know what room she is in ?"

Laura Lee smiles again, gestures her to follow and Jackie feels her worry ease a little.

The door is half opened. Jackie hesitates for a moment in the hallway, out of sight. She steadies herself and wipes her sweaty palms on her jeans before knocking.

Shauna's head snaps towards her and their gazes meet. For a second, it's like everything freezes, and they watch each other in silence. Shauna's eyes are wide and a bit red, and she looks so small. Her lips start to tremble, like she's going to cry, and Jackie remembers that their last interaction was a fucking fight. Suddenly, she isn't too sure her presence is welcomed.

"Shauna, do you... Do you want me here ?"

Shauna frantically nods, before shakily opening her arms. Jackie takes a few hesitants steps, and Shauna's arms open wider. Jackie all but throws herself in the embrace.

It's a bit awkward, because Shauna is still lying on the bed, and Jackie can only half-hug her shoulders in a weird angle, so she begrudgingly distangles herslef from Shauna. She doesn't want to lose the contact yet though, so she takes Shauna's hand, and gently positiones her thumb on the pulsepoint on the brunette's wrist. Jackie closes her eyes, and lets herself feel the soft heartbeat under her fingertips, reminder that Shauna is alive.

"Jackie."

The blonde hums softly, not opening her eyes.

"About what happened at Lottie's, I -"

"We don't have to talk about it, like, right now," Jackie cuts her.

Shauna just got back from five fucking months in the wilderness, and was brought in the hospital by plane, which must have added to the trauma. A conversation like that could wait. Right now, Jackie was just glad to have her here, safe, alive – the Jeff thing felt so insignificant at that moment.

"No, Jackie, listen."

Jackie opens her eyes, looks at Shauna. The brunette isn't looking at her though, and Jackie follows her gaze -

"I'm pregnant."

And yeah, Jackie can see that. She had been so focused on Shauna's face that she hadn't noticed the massive bump under the cover. Jackie's mouth opens, but no sound comes out, so Shauna goes on.

"It's a boy. I'm six months in. I can't - It's, uhm. It's too late to abort."

"Six months in," Jackie repeats dumbly. "Wait, so it wasn't after the crash. It's – oh my god, is it Jeff's ?"

Shauna nods, and tears fill her eyes. She looks so scared of Jackie's reaction, and so tired, so young, that Jackie can't do anything but pull her into another hug, more gentle, and Shauna sinks right into it. And when she feels the brunette silently crying against her, Jackie just drops a kiss on her hair and holds her tighter.

Outside of the room, Deb, who was coming back with comfy clothes and with a doctor, watched the interaction with a small smile on her lips. Ah, young love, she thinks, feeling a bit emotional as she closes the door to give her girls some privacy. The doctor could wait a few more minutes.

"You're fucking kidding me."

It's several hours later when Shauna is allowed to go home. She stayed glued to Jackie every moment – even when she takes an hour long shower, Jackie is in the bathroom with her, sat on the toilet bowl, talking about nothing and everything.

It was an implicit agreement that Jackie would stay the night, and now they're both sat with Deb in the living room, with each their own bowl of broth in front of them. Shaua is eyeing hers with a disbelieving look on her face.

"I haven't had a proper meal in forever and you're giving me soup ? I'm literally pregnant !"

Jackie shares a look with Deb. Shauna is so thin, it breaks the blonde's heart to see her like this, and she wants nothing more but to raid the nearest supermarket and give her all the food she wants.

But the doctor was categoric - Shauna went through months of being severely malnourished, and eating too much could cause something called refeeding syndrome, and the symptoms could go from seizures to heart failure, and Jackie just got Shauna back, no way she'd lose her by feeding her too much.

Deb and Jackie decide to follow the same diet in solidarity – though Deb definitely eats on the side when Shauna isn't looking – so Shauna begrudgingly agrees to drink her broth. It's not like she has a choice anyway.

The next morning, after waking up, they face each other in comfortable silence, just taking each other in. After a moment, Shauna hesitantly takes Jackie's hand and puts it on her belly. Jackie quietly gasps when she feels the baby kicks under her palm, immediately sits upright and covers Shauna's bump with her two hands. She giggles as she feels it again, and Shauna smiles softly.

Even after the baby stops kicking, Jackie keeps one hand on Shauna's bare stomach, fingers lazily tracing patterns.

"Do you think I should talk to him ? So like, he recognizes my voice and stuff."

"I don't know," Shauna smiles. "Maybe ? I don't think it matters."

Jackie looks downright offended.

"Excuse me ? It's very important. Like, imagine if he recognizes Misty but not me ? Absolutely not, we can't have that."

Shauna laughs at that, and it's the first, genuine laugh since she came back. Jackie feels warm fill her up. It's her new favorite sound, she thinks. She wants to make Shauna laugh like that forever.

But Shauna's smile fades, and she closes her eyes.

"I don't deserve you," she whispers. "You shouldn't be here, caring for me and – and the baby. I was awful to you."

"At Lottie's party ?" Jackie asks.

"Yeah. I said some pretty fucked up things. Things that I knew would hurt you, because I was wasted, and I wanted to... I don't know. To push you away."

"Why ?" Jackie asks softly.

"I just thought..." Shauna sighs, closing her eyes. "I don't know. I just felt like I never had a say in anything. You were always taking all the decisions, I mean you had our entire life planned... I wanted to... I don't know. It all feels so stupid now. I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could go back to a time where you had it all figured out for me."

"I don't - I thought you agreed on everything ?"

"I didn't feel like I had a choice. I was always just Jackie's best friend. I didn't feel like my own person anymore, I was just your shadow."

"I'm sorry. Fuck, I never – I can't believe I never realized you felt like that. I thought..."

"It's my fault too," Shauna cuts her, shaking her head. "I started resenting you for all that but I never even talked to you about it. I kept it all to my self. I don't even know why I didn't say anything about it, I guess I just wanted you to see it. But you didn't, and that hurt too because we used to know everything about each other, and we used to be able to read the other completely. But you didn't notice, and then it just accumulated and I let it all out at Lottie's. I don't know, I was drunk, and I wanted to hurt you like you hurt me. The thing is, with you it wasn't intentional. But with me, it was. I'm sorry for what I said. I didn't mean any of it."

Jackie doesn't say anything. She doesn't even know what to think. She never realized there was so much going on in Shauna's head. She never realized she made her favorite person in the entire world feel worthless.

She always included Shauna in her plan because she wanted to be with her all the time. All she ever did, she did because she thought it made Shauna happy. Now that Jackie thought about it, most decisions she ever took in her life were more or less related to Shauna. To make her feel special. But it did nothing but the contrary.

Both girls lie in silence for a moment, Jackie staring at the ceiling, lost in her thoughts. She doesn't know how much time passes before she starts speaking.

"You know, for a long time, I actually though my mom loved me."

Shauna frowns. That's definitely not what she expected.

"She always tried to... I don't know. Change who I am," Jackie continues. "Tell me what to wear, what to do, what to love. Controlling my weight, my popularity, my love life."

Jackie turns towards Shauna, finally looks at her in the eyes.

"But I thought that that what love was," Jackie continues. "Just... controlling everything. I guess I kind of... Internalized that, and pushed it onto you. I just replicated it. Made you be with me all the time, joined the soccer team with me, told you what to wear at parties. I just did to you everything thaht my mom did to me, all of what I hated her for. I planned you whole future the way my mom planned mine."

She blinks back a few tears.

"And that was so fucked up. I'm sorry. I didn't – I didn't even realize I was doing it, I'm so sorry Shauna. I never wanted to make you feel like that, ever."

"I know you didn't, Jax," Shauna anwers softly.

"But it hurt you just the same."

"And I hurt you too. We just... We can't undo it. But I mean, I forgive you. And you forgive me too, right ?"

"You know I do."

"So we have to move on from here. Not repeat the same mistakes. Do better."

"Okay," Jackie says. "Yeah, we'll be better friends for each other."

Jackie is holding Shauna's journal.

Yeah, so much for being a better friend. It's just that... A few weeks had passed since their conversation. Shauna was back to eating normally again, and everything was fine.

Except that Shauna's dad didn't come back to see her, just called Deb one time and sent a shitty post card. Apparently, he was too busy planning a vow renewal with his wife. It wasn't the first time he chose his new family over his daughter, but it hurt a lot more knowing he came for her funeral, but didn't bother finding time after learning that she was in fact alive.

That, and the fact that Deb was working everyday working while Shauna had nothing to do but stay home all day, made her cling to Jackie. She acts like she's the one who almost lost Jackie – which in a way is also true, both of them thought they were never going to see the other again. So Jackie decides to skip a whole week of shcool, and they never leave each other's side – and if they were already codependant before, it reaches another level.

Shauna can't sleep alone after months of constantly being surrounded by her friends, so Jackie stays every night, and they sleep in the same bed, somehow even more intimately intertwined than they used to be before everything. Jackie thinks that Shauna probably didn't sleep this close to the girls in the wilderness, but she doesn't comment on it. She needs the proximity just as much.

After a week though, Jackie has to go back to Rutgers. She still can't leave Shauna for a whole week and only come back on the week-end, so she makes the drive twice a day, waking up an hour and a half earlier and leaving as soon as she can at the end of her classes. This way, she can still spend the night at Shauna's side.

But things feel a bit too similar as they were before – worse, even. When she's in Wiskayok, Shauna doesn't leave her side, she's literally her shadow, and this time, Jackie notices. When Shauna gets a letter from Brown saying that she's still accepted in the university, with a particular program to make it up for lost time, she refuses, stating that she wants to go to Rutgers.

Which got Jackie thinking - Does Shauna want to go to Rutgers just to be near Jackie ? Will she end up resenting her again ? Jackie feels like they're just falling back into old patterns, and that they'll end up imploding again.

She also notices the changes in Shauna's demeanor. The way she never talks about the wilderness, and closes up anytime the pregnancy is mentionned. The way she looks more confident when she's with the Yellowjackets, but clings tightly to Jackie as soon as it's just them, as if the ground is going to break under her feet. The way she stacks up food in her room, on her bedtable to see it all the time when she's on her bed, as if it's going to disappear when she looks away. The way she has a weird fascination with meat after she starts eating normally again.

Jackie grips the journal tighter. She wants to know everything so badly. How far did they all go to survive ? How did that girl Crystal freeze to death ? Cursiosity was eating her up.

But at the same time, she just got Shauna back, and she promised her she'd be a better friend. Jackie knows how important the journal is to her, how Shauna bares her heart out to it, how betrayed the brunette would be if she ever found out. It didn't contain just what happened in the wilderness, it was also Shauna's most intimate thoughts. Would the she ever forgive Jackie for reading it all ?

Jackie puts the journal back on the table, and watches Shauna sleeping. The brunette needed her more than ever. She was already harassed enough by journalists ringing non stop the phone to have interviews. Jackie's curiosity would have to wait.

With a sigh, she climbs back on the bed, buries her nose in Shauna's neck, and just holds her.

"Did you read my journal ?"

Shauna's tone is harsh, and jackie startles.

"Huh ?" She mumbles, half-awake, turning to the brunette, who's watching her, jaw set, eyes dangerously dark.

"My journal. You read it."

It's not a quesiton this time. Jackie frowns.

"No, I didn't."

"I put it here on the table last night, but when I woke up it wasn't on the same place."

Jackie chews on her lips.

"I took it," she admits. "I wanted to read it, but I didn't. I promise, I – I was curious, but I realized I couldn't break your trust. I shouldn't even have picked it up in the fisrt place, I'm sorry. I swear I didn't read it. Pinky promise."

Shauna watches her for a moment, before relaxing. She believes her – they both know Jackie is a shit liar. If she hadn't been telling the truth, Shauna would have instantly known.Their pinkies intertwine, and neither let go.

"I know you're curious," Shauna whispers. "And I want to talk to you about it. But I'm not ready yet. I will be, someday, I know it. And when I am, you'll be the first to know."

Jackie nods. She knows she can wait for as long as Shauna needs.

"Does Jeff know about the pregnancy ?"

They're sprawled accross the bed, the same way they are everytime Shauna opens up. They were in the same position the day Shauna talked about the crash, about saving Van from the burning plane, about Misty chopping coach Scott's leg off, about coach Martinez's impaled body.

They were in this position when Shauna talked about her abortion, about Tai being by her side, about not being able to do it. About wanting to survive. Jackie had cried a lot, that day. She should've been there, she thinks. Fuck, she should've been there.

This time though, it's Jackie who's talking.

"Oh, uhm. Yeah, I talked to him," Shauna answers. "He asked me to be his girlfriend."

"Oh. Did you say yes ?"

"Ew, what ? " Shauna grimaces, "No, of course not. He said he wanted us to get married later and like, be a family, but I definitely don't want that with him. I agreed about him being in the kid's life though. I know what it's like to have an absent father. I don't want want that for my son, so we – we'll figure it out. He'll babysit, and maybe I'll drop the kid on the week-end or something, I don't know. But I am not getting together with him."

Jackie nods. She wants to be a part of the kid's life too, but she knows she'll never have the legitimity Jeff's have.

"I'm sorry if it fucked things up with Jeff," Shauna adds. "I mean, if you wanted to go back with him."

Jackie lets out a strangled laugh.

"Yeah, absolutely not. You know I planned to break up with him before going to Rutgers. I only ever dated him because my parents wanted me to."

"So, you never loved him ?"

"What – Shauna, I ditched him for you every single time. I literally invented every excuse under the sun not to sleep swith him. Of course I didn't fucking love him ! I don't even... I don't even like boys."

She whispered that last part, unsure. Shauna just blinks at her. Neither says anything for a moment.

"Did you ?" Jackie adds precipitately, to break the silence.

"Like boys ?" Shauna asks.

"No. I mean yes, but like Jeff specifically. I mean, you act so shocked that I thought you'd date him, but you slept with him. Twice. Of course I think you like him."

"Well I don't. That's not why I slept with him, it's just... On the wilderness, I talked with Tai. You know she and Van are dating, right ?"

Jackie frowns.

"Um, yes ? What does it have to do with anything ?"

"Well, I had some questions, and Tai told me that it's - it's possible to like boys and girls. And I do that. I'm... I like both."

She looks at Jackie with pleading eyes.

"And before the crash, I was feeling this - this jealousy everytime you were with Jeff and I thought it was because I wanted him but when I slept with him I realized I didn't. And when I understood why, it scared me, and I wanted to stop... feeling things for - for you. So I slept with Jeff again, because, fuck, I could still smell your perfume on his clothes, and taste your lipgloss on his lips, and he was - he was the closest thing I could have, if I couldn't have you".

Shauna takes a shaky breath, lets out a weak laugh.

"And I know it's a fucked up reasoning, and it was an awful thing to do. Trust me, I know how shitty it was. And I'm sorry, Jax, I really am. And in the wilderness, I couldn't stop thinking, What if Jackie thinks I hate her ? And it hurt so much, because it's so far from the truth. God Jackie, I love you so much, I... I've never loved soleone the way I love you."

There's so much urgency in her voice, and she sounds so earnest, that Jackie immediately believes her.

"Please say something," Shauna begs. And well, Jackie's always been bad at refusing her anything.

"Shauna..." Its barely a whisper, but it's all that Jackie manages to say. She feels overwhelmed, and Shauna is looking at her with her big brown eyes in a way that makes every coherent thought leave her brain.

Jackie licks her lips, and Shauna follows the movement of her tongue when she wets them, and then looks at her in the eyes again. Jackie puts her hand on Shauna's waist, and scoots a bit closer.

They are nose to nose, and Jackie grips Shauna's waist, she whispers Shauna's name again because she can't think of anything else. Shauna leans in, painfully slow, like she is scared to spook Jackie, but Jackie has never wanted anything more in her life.

Jackies lips ghosts over Shauna's, and then Shauna closes the distance and kisses her.

And Jackie expected something heated, passionnante, fast and hot, something as desperate as Shauna's confession had been, but it's not.

Its soft and sweet. There is no underlying motive in that kiss, it's not meant to lead anywhere, contrary to how it was with Jeff when he was trying to get in her pants. It's not to prove a point like it was when Jeff kissed her at school in front of everybody, no, it's just for them.

So Jackie lets herselft be kissed, and she feels so safe in Shauna's arms, with Shauna holding her like she is something precious. Every single one of her movement, from the way her hand strokes Jackie's cheek, to the way Shauna's lips move against her own, is so full of love, so so so gentle that Jackie thinks she might cry.

Shauna breaks the kiss to wipe the single tear that did in fact roll on her cheek.

"I uh - was that - I mean, that was okay, right ? Like I didn't... you're - you're, uh, you wanted me to... right ?"

"Oh my god, Shauna, yes I wanted you to kiss me," Jackie mumbles, blushing. Shauna relaxes and chuckles softly, before kissing her burning cheeks.

"All I ever wanted was to be yours," she whispers against Jackie's skin.

Jackie wishes she was more like Shauna then. Good with words. But she was no poet, and couldn't find the right words to express all her feelings, so she decides to just show Shauna instead, and kisses her roughly.

She eagerly explores her body with her hand, her mouth. She traces every new scar, worships every inch. She whispers sweet words and I love yous in Shauna's ear and the brunette falls apart on her fingers with Jackie's name on her lips.

Jackie thinks she could do that forever - she can't get enough of Shauna, she wants to touch her, listen to every pretty noise she can get out of her, hear Shauna whimper her name like that again and again and again.

But Jackie can see that Shauna is tired, so she just kisses her - it starts with a peck, but Jackie can't stop herslef from deepening it, and they trade lazy kisses until Shauna breaks it off to yawn.

Jackie curls up against Shauna, head on the brunette's chest to feel her heartbeat. She knows they still have a lot of shit to deal with. But they're together, and that's what matters most. They have all their lives to figure the rest out.