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You swallowed hard, looking over your shoulder once again. Levi was only sleeping, he was alive. You just checked... he was breathing just fine and his pulse, although still a little weak, was regular. Hange did everything to ensure that he was going to be okay. But still. As you saw him there in such a terrible state, your mind started to wander to the darkest places.
He simply couldn’t die. No. What would you tell your children, if their father never came back home? His precious little girls wouldn’t understand what happened. Not at seven and four years old.
„Are you okay?“ Hange asked when they came back to your little improvised camp with more firewood. If it weren’t for the Scouts they killed to keep you safe and the stuff that was left after their deaths, you would have nothing. Only the still-soaked clothes you were wearing. „How’s your knee doing?“
You waved your hand. „It’s a little swollen, but okay. I’ll be fine,“ you assured them, rubbing your left knee. It hurt pretty badly, but nothing you wouldn’t be able to suffer through. You didn’t even know where and how you injured it. Only when you finally came out of the river, it was already hurting. „He’s fine, I just checked.“
Both of you looked at Levi before Hange nodded and sat down at the fire next to you. Staying awake and alert was the most important thing. There was still a possibility, that someone would come after you.
„I’m sorry you have to be a part of this.“
You shrugged, looking into the fire for a moment before you looked back at Levi once again. „If I ever see Floch again, I’m going to rip him apart like a piece of paper,“ you hissed, looking back at Hange. Even they, your lifelong friend, were surprised about what you just said. But after all, you had all the right reasons to hate him. And all his men as well. They wanted to kill Levi when he needed their help the most. And anybody, who even thought about hurting your family was your enemy and deserved to feel your anger.
You were just an ordinary civilian, not a soldier. You spent your life on your family’s little farm with your father, or on the farmer’s market in Trost with your mother. That kind of life was all you knew. But just until you met Captain Levi Ackerman and the two of you fell in love. It was a long and slow process, but the wait was so worth it. The stoic Captain, who was known as Humanity's strongest soldier, became the most treasured person in your life and after years of getting to know each other and dating, you became his wife and soon after the mother of his children.
„What are we going to do, Hange? We can’t stay here.“
„I know, but... I need a little more time to think. And Levi needs to rest, we can’t move just yet.“
„I have to get back home.“ Hange nodded, reached for one of your hands, and squeezed it reassuringly. „My parents are surely taking the best care of our girls, but what if the Yeagerists go after them as well? What if they hurt them, just to lure me and Levi out from hiding?“
„No, no, no. Don’t even think about that, they’ll be fine, I’m sure. I know your dad, Y/N. He’s going to chase them away with his rifle if he has to.“ Something about that thought made you smile a bit. Yes, your father would do such a thing. His family was his biggest treasure and if anybody tried to hurt his wife, you, Levi, or his granddaughters, he wouldn’t hesitate to even kill to keep you all safe.
But still... he was alone and he wasn’t the youngest anymore. And if Floch with the others truly came to your parent’s house...
When they crossed your path in the morning, you were heading to the town for some mundane shopping. The day started out as usual, your girls were still sleeping and you decided to get the shopping out of the way as soon as possible. You never thought, that you wouldn’t return home. Floch with the Yeagerists cornered you out of nowhere and made you go with them.
For a long time, you didn’t know what they wanted from you – from Captain Levi Ackerman’s wife. Nobody bothered to tell you what was going on. Only when all of a sudden Hange joined you. From that moment, everything started to go downhill.
And now you were here – on the run, hiding in the forest and feeling more scared than ever before. Your husband’s life was still in immediate danger, while you couldn’t be sure if your parents and daughters were okay. And on top of that... you were carrying another little Ackerman nobody except your parents knew about.
„I’m pregnant again,“ you heard yourself say very quietly to Hange. It was only natural to tell your best friend about something this special. If they weren’t spending the last few months in Marley or planning the Liberio raid, they would already know and probably be as excited as when you were pregnant before. „Nobody knows, only my parents.“
Hange looked at you with a huge surprise on their face. „When did it happen? We’ve been away for almost three months and Levi was here with Zeke since our return.“
„I’m roughly five months along,“ you said, putting your hand on your belly. Every single day, you spent more and more time when you were getting dressed. Mainly when you went out to town. You wanted to hide your growing pregnancy belly as best as possible to avoid rumors from people you knew. „I first started feeling a little off before you all left for Marley for the first time. But I didn’t go to the doctor until Levi was home. And since then I didn’t really have a chance to tell him.“
You only saw Levi for a couple of short minutes, after they came back. That time was enough for a long hug and a couple of quick kisses. Levi asked how you and the girls were doing, and that was basically it. He was gone once more and when you saw him again today, he was bloodied and on the brink of death.
„So another member of Levi’s personal squad, eh?“
You smiled when Hange excitedly leaned closer and hugged you. „Yeah, another little Ackerman is on the way. Maybe finally a little boy.“
Levi loved being a girl dad, but you really wanted to give him a son as well. A little boy, who would hopefully look like him, even though your daughters both had their father’s hair and features. When anybody, who knew Levi looked at his kids, it was immediately obvious, that they were very closely related. And you loved this fact so much. You loved seeing your husband in those two little miracles the both of you created together.
„So that’s why you had such trouble getting into the saddle earlier? Or why you didn’t want the Yeagerists to touch you at all?“
You nodded, caressing your belly. About two weeks back, you finally felt the baby start kicking for the first time. Even now, during your third pregnancy, it was something magical. „Didn’t want them to accidentally see or touch my belly.“ Your loose black dress with a colorful long vest hid your pregnancy pretty well. But you still had to be careful not to draw much attention to your abdomen.
„I’m so sorry you got caught up in this situation. Now even more.“
„It is what it is,“ you said and looked over at Levi again. He was still unconscious, but at least he didn’t hear you talk to Hange. This was not the moment you wanted to announce your pregnancy to him. „I just hope all of this ends soon.“
Deep down in your heart, you knew Levi will be okay again. He had to be. He was your husband, after all. He had a family that needed him back home. Your girls needed their dad, who they loved and absolutely adored every waking hour of every day. He truly was their hero. And not because he was Humanity's strongest. But only because of how much he loved them and cared about everything that regarded his two precious little angels.
You knew very well Levi wasn’t just a cold and grumpy soldier. Not when he was with you. But seeing him become a father was something completely different. He even cried, when your first daughter was born. And he was just as emotional, happy, and grateful when your second daughter was born almost three years later.
„Not to sound grim, but I don’t think we’ll know peace in the near future,“ Hange said, stood up, and went over to Levi to check on him.
You worried about him to the point that you felt physically sick. Maybe because it was such a rarity to see him hurt. He came back unharmed even from the worst expeditions. And now here he was – completely dependent on your and Hange’s help.
And it was one of the worst feelings ever. Knowing how close to death he really was. Seeing him hurt and all bandaged up, while you sat just a couple of steps away with your third baby on the way. Thinking about Levi never knowing about the baby... about never seeing him or her...
A quiet sob escaped your mouth before you could press your hand to your mouth. Hange immediately turned around and looked you over with great concern. You really never felt so much fear and pain all at once. So much despair.
„I’m fine,“ you got out and tried to take a couple of deep breaths to calm yourself. Hange seemed pretty out of place when they saw your tears. From experience you knew, that they weren’t the best when it came to comforting a crying person. „It’s just...“
„Yeah, I know,“ Hange said and smoothed Levi’s hair down a bit. If he was awake, he would probably frown at them and pull away. But not now. „But try not to stress yourself too much, please. You have to be extra careful.“
Hange seemed way more tense than before you told them about your pregnancy. And that was understandable. They were the Commander and the person in charge now. You telling them about your pregnancy just put extra weight on their shoulders. Now they needed to look after Levi, you, and even your unborn baby.
„I’ll get you home, don’t worry,“ Hange said after a minute and came to sit back down next to you, wrapping their arm around your shoulders. „And I’ll keep Levi safe for you and your kids. I promise.“
You gave them a weak smile, leaning your head against theirs. This was a really bad time for crying, but you were an emotional mess during every pregnancy. Not to say in a situation like this, when death was lurking dangerously close.
*
The bright morning sun was shining right on the bed, where you were slowly waking up from another long and almost sleepless night. You almost forgot how it felt to have a newborn, who woke up many times and needed attention. Not to mention your other two kids waking up as well because they still weren’t used to their new home.
The Rumbling happened almost half a year ago, and the world was still upside down from all the consequences. You still remembered the day Paradis started shaking as the Wall Titans followed Eren on his mission to destroy all your enemies. When you parted from Hange and Levi, to return back home, you found your parents and daughters out on the porch of the farmhouse, watching the Titans in horror. The girls were crying like never before. And there was nothing you could do to calm them down and assure them, that you’ll all be alright. They cried for their dad and kept asking you when he was coming home to protect them.
And you had no idea.
When you kissed Levi goodbye, you couldn’t be sure you’ll ever see him again. For many weeks, you didn’t know what happened to him or the others. And for an even longer time, there was no way for you and your family to get to Levi. You spent countless amount of nights crying and worrying, which ended up causing preterm labor.
But despite that, everything turned out okay. Your baby was healthy and beautiful, and you recovered even faster than when you gave birth for the first and second time. Before you knew it, you were back home with your girls, who were in awe when they first saw their new sibling.
Even after your baby’s birth, it took another almost two months, until you got a chance to leave Paradis and travel to the place where Levi was staying and recovering. It was the Azumabito family, who helped you get to your husband. It all happened so fast. You and your parents had to pack up the kids and your whole lives in a couple of days and leave Paradis... probably for good.
And that was maybe for the best. After everything, many people, who knew you were Levi’s wife, acted harshly toward you. A lot of things in your homeland changed and not necessarily for the best. So leaving and starting over was probably a smart idea. Your kids deserved a much better life, with nicer people surrounding them.
Most importantly... they needed their father, just like you needed your husband.
Traveling across the ocean and finding a way to cross the burned lands which the Wall Titans and Eren left behind, took a toll on your whole family – your elderly parents, two spooked-out kids, and a still fragile newborn. And on you, too. Physically and also emotionally.
But in the end, it was all so worth it. When you saw Levi after many long months... an unimaginable wave of relief and happiness washed over you, making your eyes water almost immediately. And when your girls ran up to him, not minding even a tiny bit, that their father looked much different, your heart almost burst from love and gratitude. They didn’t mind his new scars, his blind eye, or the wheelchair he needed because of his leg. All they saw, was the father they adored and loved more than anybody else. They exchanged many hugs and kisses. Levi sat them both onto his lap, wrapping his arms around them and holding them close, whispering how much he missed and loved them.
Levi knew, that you and the girls were coming. He was happy to see your parents, too. The biggest shock for him was the roughly two months old newborn baby in your arms. Nobody except your late friend, who you still missed very dearly, knew, that you were pregnant. And it seemed that Hange didn’t tell Levi. So when he saw the tiny black-haired Ackerman baby, who was looking at him with bright blue eyes in complete amazement, he wasn’t able to say anything. Until the girls started telling him everything about their new sibling, who they loved greatly.
„Oh... good morning. What did I miss?“ you asked, when you finally found your whole family – out on the porch, enjoying a beautiful colorful sunrise. When you didn’t find Levi or the girls in their beds, it was obvious, that they were somewhere outside, having a peaceful and quiet morning.
„You came just in time, the sun’s coming up shortly,“ Levi said in a hushed voice. The baby, your third daughter, was peacefully asleep in his arms, while your four-year-old was sitting on his lap and hugging him, also half-asleep. Your oldest daughter was sitting on the porch right next to Levi’s wheelchair and was holding his hand – the one, which was missing two fingers.
Seeing them content and peaceful like this, made your eyes well up with tears almost immediately. You were all still adjusting to your new life and for the most parts, it wasn’t easy. That’s why moments like these helped you more than you would be ever able to express and explain.
You loved watching Levi with his girls. All the love between them was so pure and innocent. It was very precious to you and Levi as well. He had so many doubts about becoming a father. And they were all pointless, because the second your first daughter was born, he was already a natural. Always tending to his daughter’s needs and doing everything in his power, to give all of them everything he didn’t have growing up.
„The girls came into our room and since I couldn’t sleep anymore, I took them outside so you could rest a bit more. It was a rough night,“ Levi said, looking down at the sleeping baby.
„I love the newborn phase, because they are so tiny and adorable, and you are getting to know them for the very first time, but that constant waking up in the night...“
With a chuckle, you kissed all of them on top of their heads and sat down on the other side of Levi’s wheelchair, crossing your legs. The air was a bit crisp, a thin layer of fog was hovering between the trees of the forest behind the small house you lived in now.
„I think we should enjoy it because it’s probably the last time were are experiencing this phase.“
„Is it?“ Levi teased you.
You raised your eyebrows. „Would you like another baby?“
„You wouldn’t?“
„I would like another sibling,“ your seven-year-old said enthusiastically. She was a big help when you brought the baby home from the hospital for the first time. It was almost as if she knew, somebody had to take Levi’s place. „Maybe a baby brother for a change.“
„You know we can’t influence that, honey,“ you said with a smile.
„Maybe we could try... somehow...“ Levi suggested playfully, winking at you with his healthy eye. „After a couple of years, that is. No need to hurry. We need to properly settle down first.“
„And open your tea shop,“ you said excitedly, reaching your hand towards Levi and stroking his arm. „After many years, we can finally turn that dream into reality.“
„With me being like this?“ Levi asked in a much colder tone, looking down at you with a grim expression. But before your eyes met, he looked away and instead kissed both of his sleeping daughters. „Don’t think that would work out.“
„Why do you think that?“ He shrugged, almost as if he didn’t want to tell you what he really meant. Maybe because the girls was here. Or maybe because you already knew too well.
You and he already had some pretty harsh and painful conversations. They were all pretty similar – all of them ended in tears. Sometimes only Levi’s or only yours. Other times you cried both. For many minutes, even hours. In the middle of the night, or even during the day, when the girls weren’t around. Levi was still hurting – mentally and physically as well. And some days, the pain and sorrow got the best of him. He cursed, screamed, and cried. He even wished for death.
That’s how much he hated the current version of himself. He despised looking into a mirror – even now, many months after all of his injuries happened. Most of them were healed by now, but that didn’t make a big difference to him. Not even your words and tears could make him hate himself less.
„Nobody said, you would have to run the shop alone, darling. It can be a little family business. Bet my parents would love to help out, mom has a lot of experience when it comes to dealing with customers.“
Everybody on the farmer’s market back at Trost loved her – buying fruits, vegetables, homemade erb soaps, or any other good stuff from her, or just stopping by for a quick chat. With her cheerful personality, she was able to charm everybody. And probably would be no difference here. Or at least you hoped.
„And dad is already grumpy because he has nothing to do here. He really misses the farm and all the work around there.“
„I miss the farm too,“ your seven-year-old said. „All the animals and growing plants. The flowers we used to plant with grandma each year. It’s a shame we had to leave, I loved it there.“
„We can build something similar here as well,“ you said to her, trying to sound hopeful. But deep down in your heart you knew, that nothing would ever be the same. Having hope was a nice and necessary thing, but it wasn’t enough.
„Nobody said we have to stay. If we don’t like it, we can just pack up all our stuff and leave,“ Levi said suddenly, once again sounding a bit more cheerful. It was all just a pretense, you knew it. But appreciated his effort anyway.
All you could do was nod in agreement. But after that, watching the rest of the sunrise in silence was the best possible choice. A moment of quiet and peace was necessary for all of you. Just a moment of sitting down and enjoying something so simple and yet beautiful. Something, that always gave you hope, that the new day would be much better than the previous one.
Just after breakfast, your parents came over and took two of your oldest daughters for a fun day in the town. The house got quiet when you took care of the baby and settled her down into the crib. Instead of preparing lunch for you and Levi, you and he ended up outside on the porch again.
„Sorry I talked like that in front of the girls.“
„It’s fine, you didn’t say anything wrong,“ you assured him, pulling up a chair next to him and reaching for his hand. „I know it’s hard. For all of us. But we have to keep trying, Levi. We have to keep going for our family.“
Moving away from Paradis and starting over in a foreign country wasn’t even close to being easy. Not even you felt comfortable and content with your new life. But you had to try. You simply had to. For your parents and daughters, but mostly for Levi. You wanted to be his everyday dose of motivation and the reason he kept smiling from time to time.
And above all... you had to be strong for yourself. You were just as important as everybody else in your life. Because if you wouldn’t be able to function, everything else would start to fall apart as well.
„I’m tired, Y/N. Exhausted, worn out...“ You squeezed his hand, brushing your thumb over his knuckles. „I’m still angry with myself for not being able to function like before. For not being able to be the father, husband, and son-in-law all of you need.“
„Levi, you’re everything and much more, than all of us need. You’re still the same person I fell in love with. You may not look the same, but that’s not important to me. It never was.“ His quiet chuckle surprised you. But also warmed your heart and gave you hope. „And if you want to know... I still find you very handsome.“
„Well, am I a lucky guy?“
„Definitely.“ You nodded, leaning closer to him and hugging him around his right arm tightly, but gently at the same time. „I love you, and I always will. No injury can change that, Levi. You will always be the love of my life. The only one I want to share my life with. The one, who I know loves me back just as much.“
„Not just as much... but even more,“ he corrected you, the tone of his voice sounding warm and loving. „I know I’m blessed to have a wife like you and a precious family. Many people died so we could sit here like this and talk.“ He stopped for a second, taking a couple of deep breaths to hide how his voice was starting to break once again. Since you came here and reunited with Levi, you have seen and heard him cry more times than throughout your entire relationship. And it kept breaking your heart over and over again. „Despite that, I can’t seem to find the way out of the darkness. It keeps following me everywhere.“
„Because you keep being too hard on yourself. You still think, that being a soldier or a weapon for someone in power, is what made you matter. But we both know that’s not the truth. You’re perfect as you are... here in this moment. You don’t need to be Humanity's strongest soldier to feel important, admired, and loved. It’s enough for you to just be... Levi.“ You knew he longed for the power and all the abilities he once had. He wanted to feel like his old self so badly, that he kept forgetting what was truly important. „You changed and there’s nothing wrong with that. In here,“ you said and placed your palm over his heart gently, „you are still the same person I love and admire. I traveled across the world, which was almost burned to ash just to be with you again. And I’ll never regret that.“
You told him similar words many times before. But that was pointless, you would repeat yourself as many times as he needed to hear it, hoping he would take something away from them.
„You are still you, Levi.“
„But is that enough for you, Y/N? In this state, I can’t give you the life you and our girls deserve.“
„I don’t expect you to give me anything. All I need, is your presence in my life and in the life of our girls,“ you said, leaning closer to him and kissing his cheek. „If I had to, I would carry this on my own. But I really, really don’t want to. I want to share everything with you, just like before. The good and the bad as well.“
„I know you could do this all on your own. You did it for the last couple of months, and you did brilliantly. Enduring an entire pregnancy without me even knowing, giving birth, and traveling with three kids across this forsaken world just to... find me again... I...“
„I did it for us, darling. For our family, our future.“
It was hard and even traumatic in some ways. But all of that was over now, everything was okay again. Levi was right there beside you, and your family was complete once more. Nothing was perfect, and it never will be. Finding true happiness was always difficult, and in this new world, it seemed close to impossible. At least for now. Many things were changing for you and for the whole world as well. So it was probably normal to feel this way.
„And I would do it all over again if I had to,“ you added in a reassuring tone, holding Levi’s hand and squeezing it reassuringly.
„I know you would. That’s why I love you.“
Before you could say anything back, both of you heard a faint cry from inside the house. With a quick kiss, you left Levi outside and hurried after your baby. All it took, was a diaper change and a few kisses before you could return to Levi, your youngest daughter once again contently resting in your arms.
She was a carbon copy of her father, just like her older sisters. With Levi’s silky black hair and his adorable nose, she was a true Ackerman. And Levi was all about that, just like when he saw all of the girls for the very first time.
„Everything okay?“ Levi asked, reaching for his daughter immediately.
You nodded with a smile, carefully handing him the baby. It looked like she became immediately happier when Levi cradled her against his chest and kissed the top of her head. She cooed quietly, looking up at her father with eyes wide open. Almost as if she was seeing him for the very first time.
Levi’s touch and voice always calmed the kids down. His mere presence was enough for them to feel safe and loved. They missed him very dearly every time he went on an expedition or had a lot of work to do. Sometimes, the girls even waited for him to come home from the HQ, just to see him for a couple of minutes or get a goodnight kiss from him.
„She’s so precious,“ he whispered, kissing the baby’s hair once more and offering her one of his fingers to hold. „To think I almost didn’t get the chance to meet her...“
„No, stop! Don’t talk like that, please.“ He wanted to say something but decided to stay quiet and instead whisper to the baby how much he loved her. „You know... this is when I find you the most irresistible.“
„Crippled?“ he smirked.
„Levi!“ you scolded him and hit his shoulder playfully.
When you heard him laugh a new spark of hope flared up in your heart. Maybe everything could be okay once again. Not today or tomorrow, but eventually. You both had something very precious to fight for and keep trying. You went through so many challenging things together and apart as well. But love always helped you find your way back to one another.
„I’m glad I have you all,“ he said after a while, his eyes still glued to his daughter, who was carefully watching his face. „My irreplaceable Ackerman girls.“ With a tiny smile, he leaned over to you and gently grabbed your chin. „I’ll keep fighting for you all. With everything I have left. I can promise you that, Y/N.“
„Only if you let us fight for you... my irreplaceable Ackerman,“ you teased him, before brushing your lips against his in a long and loved-filled kiss, which said more than a hundred words ever could.