Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Bangkok.

Same city, same buildings, same streets.

There was a time when Mon didn't know if she would dare come back again. And yet, here she is, looking through the window of her flat at the streets she so feared seeing again.

Mon has to wonder what was she so afraid of. The past is in the past. Seven years have gone by since she left. Time buries everything.

Maybe she thought she would run into Sam. That's a ridiculous thought, really. In a city of millions, what were the chances of an accidental encounter with her ex. It's not exactly like they moved in the same circles either. Truth is, Sam was always out of her reach. It was just her youthful innocence that allowed her to believe that she and a Mhom Luang could ever make it work in the long run.

Now she is back in Bangkok. But it isn't the same one that she left, the one with Sam. Mon knows: She is never going to see Sam again.

Mon feels a pang in her stomach when that thought crosses her mind. She moves away from the window, putting a close to her mental ramblings, and turns towards the kitchen to leave the empty coffee mug she has been holding. The place is full of boxes, so she has to trace a longer path around them to get to her destination.

She and Zo only arrived a few days ago and have just unpacked their most immediate necessities: some clothes, bed sheets, and a few kitchen items. Everything else is still in boxes scattered around the apartment. Today, she promised she would get started with the ones in the living room. They were lucky to find a furnished apartment to rent—at least they are not sleeping on the floor.

Mon puts the mug in the kitchen sink and smiles again at the note on the counter. Her fiancée woke up before her to run some errands, so she left her a message and the coffee already prepared. 

As she sits on the couch ready to start unpacking the first box, she sees the framed picture. It shows the both of them, from the night Zo proposed. They look happy and in love, although Mon always felt that there was something missing. As much as she tries, she can't see her smile in the picture reaching her eyes. She isn't fond of it, but Zo insisted on getting it framed. "For posterity," she said. 

Mon shakes her head and continues unpacking. 

Zo and Mon had been engaged for a year before they moved to Thailand, but for some reason they didn't start planning the wedding right away. Maybe the reason is that, deep inside, they had wanted to wait till they could do it in their home country. So, when Thailand legalized same-sex marriage, it felt like destiny. As they celebrated in the streets with their small community on the streets of London, Zo took a long look at Mon, and Mon knew exactly what she wanted.

That’s how they found themselves packing everything they owned to find new jobs and start a new life in Bangkok. Their wedding was scheduled in a month.

Of course, Mon showed hesitance to coming back. She had never told Zo the full story of what happened with Sam, but over the years she had managed to get a pretty clear picture. It was hard, after all, to keep it from her when she refused to go back home even to visit her parents. She didn't fly back once since she moved to the UK. Still, Zo only knows that she suffered a heartbreak that left her grieving for years until she met her. Mon doesn't see the need to explain any further, it's not like Sam has or will ever have again a place in her life. 

A knock on the door takes her out of her musings. She stares at it curiously. Maybe Zo forgot her keys? But she wasn't expecting her for several hours still. Maybe a neighbor? 

There is another knock and Mon decides to satisfy her curiosity and open the door, but nothing could have prepared for the person she finds on the other side.

"Can I come in?" Sam says nonchalantly, as if they just met yesterday, and not like it has been 7 years since the last time they saw each other.

Mon could have fainted on the spot when she saw her, but Sam's gall to turn up here and simply say ‘can I come in’ with no preface, no nothing, makes her annoyed enough to stand firm on her legs. 

Mon doesn't reply and Sam takes silence as consent as she marches inside the apartment taking in everything inside. Mon imagines her standing in her small and modest flat judging her space, comparing it to her own luxurious life and upbringing. Sam's presence in her apartment makes her feel more self-conscious the longer she spends examining every detail. 

She doesn't need this. 

"Khun Sam, what are you doing here?" she asks, purposefully curt. 

Sam looks back at her now and approaches. Mon’s heart skips a beat. There’s something familiar about her, the woman that she loved, and kissed, and felt in her arms. But there’s also something different. She’s dressed up maturely, and her face has hardened.

"I have heard you are engaged to be married,” she says, and Mon snaps back to reality.

How does she know this, she thinks.

"You heard?"  

"I have my sources." 

Annoying as ever, Mon thinks, and she knows it'll do no good to press the topic. 

"And are you here to give me your best wishes?" 

"I'm here to tell you that you can't do it." 

"What?" Mon asks in disbelief, but can't stop the barrage of thoughts that flood her mind right that second. She feels her heart beat faster when she imagines she has come to tell her to leave Zo and go back with her. Stupid, stupid heart.

"You can't marry your fiancée…" she starts, "because you're already married. To me." 

Mon jaw drops. 

"What?" she says again, for lack of a better word. 

"Don't you remember? We got married in the second year of university." 

Mon shakes her head. "Khun Sam, you realize that marriage wasn't legal." 

"It was to us. When we got married, it was real for us. And I will testify that in court if you proceed with the wedding." 

"What do you mean 'in court'" Mon eyes her suspiciously. 

"I will sue you for bigamy," Sam says simply, as if it is the more logical thing in the world and not completely crazy. 

"Khun Sam," Mon says slowly, fingers to her temples trying to keep calm. "Our marriage wasn't legal. Same-sex marriage wasn't even allowed in Thailand back then. You have no case." 

"Well, we’ll let a jury decide."

So, Sam is going to drag her through the legal system if she dares marry someone else. 

"So this is it? I'm not allowed to get married because you and I once said some vows to each other?" Mon says exasperated. 

"You can, if we annul our wedding." 

Annul the wedding? What is Sam talking about? 

"Sam, we had a symbolic wedding. What do you want? To have a symbolic divorce?"

Sam inhaled deeply, and looked around the apartment as if that was the most interesting thing in the world right now and spoke as if she had just thought about this. "Well, we had four witnesses at our wedding. I suggest we go to them and tell them we no longer want to be married." 

Mon looks at Sam like she can't believe her eyes. She has spent years away from here to avoid her, and mere days after she gets back not only does she show up unexpectedly but she tries to blackmail her. 

"Our witnesses?" 

"Yes, my witnesses were Jim and Tee, and yours were Nop and Yuki." 

"I don't even know where they are," Mon was at her wits end. "I haven't spoken to any of them in seven years." 

"I know where Jim lives. We can go see her first," Sam says and makes toward the door, as if it's all said and done. 

Mon shakes her head in frustration. "No!" she screams after her. "I'm not just going to go around calling on people I haven't spoken to in years because another one of your whims." Mon takes a hold of the door, ready to shut it in Sam's face. "I'm going to get married and I don't need your permission to do it." 

Sam seems surprised but she doesn't relent. 

"If we don't do this, I will sue you." 

Mon looks at her face. Could she really do this? Of course, this is Sam we're talking about. She once roped in a professor to switch one of her project partners to be in the same group with her. 

She takes a look around her at the unopened boxes she had promised Zo she would get to this morning. Mon sighs, maybe she could manage to unpack one or two if she made it back early. 

"I'll go with you to see Jim, but we're done after that." 

Sam gives her that self-satisfied smirk of hers, and in that moment Mon can't believe she used to love it so much, because right now she wished she could rip it out of her face.

Chapter Text

They drive in silence as Mon pointedly ignores the glances Sam keeps giving her from the driver seat. A few times she sees from the corner of her eye how Sam opens her mouth to say something and then promptly closes it again as if she'd thought better about it. 

They make a turn to a fairly wealthy neighborhood and a few minutes later, Sam pulls up in front of a large house. Mon isn't surprised. Jim, like Sam, was extremely well off. It was expected that she would live somewhere like this.

Sam cuts off the ignition. The air is tense as they remain silent and unmoving for a few seconds. It’s Sam who finally turns towards Mon. “Should we go in?” she asks with a soft voice, as if she hadn’t blackmailed her way here.

Mon scoffs. She unbuckles herself without a word and steps out of the car. Sam quickly follows after her, and when they are both standing in front of the gate, she rings the intercom.

Many years have passed since the last time Mon heard it, but the unmistakable voice of Jim comes through the speaker a few seconds later.

“Who is this? I’m not expecting any packages today.”

Sam approaches the microphone. “We are Sam and Mon. Can we come in?”

There is a pause.

“Sam and Mon?” The voice sounds incredulous. “You mean as in Sam Anuntrakul?”

Sam hums in affirmation.

There is another longer pause, but after that there is a buzzing from the gate and they come in. By the time they reach the front door, Jim is waiting there, wearing a loose gym t-shirt and yoga pants.

“Sam and Mon,” she says with a wide grin. “I couldn’t believe it, I needed to see it in person.”

"Hi, Jim." Although Sam’s voice is steady, Mon can hear a faint hint of nervousness.

"Oh, don’t keep standing there, come in." Jim waves at them, and they follow her through a wide hallway inside the house. "This truly was worth interrupting my Pilates session for.” She turns to face them. “How long has it been? Five years?"

"Seven," Mon and Sam say almost at the same time.

"Oh, right. Seven. Time flies."

Jim shows them to the living room of the house, a large room with expensive-looking sofas, carpets that match, and curtains that let the right amount of light through them.

“Please, take a seat,” she says gesturing towards the sofas. “Can I get you something to drink?”

“No—” Mon starts to say before she’s interrupted.

“Tea, please,” says Sam.

Mon glares at her. This isn’t going to be the quick visit she had hoped for.

“Tea for me too, please,” Mon acquiesces.

Jim skips out of the room and Mon and Sam are left standing awkwardly. Mon looks around without moving. It is so odd being in the house of someone she spent so much time with, even considered a friend, and who is now, essentially, a stranger. Out of the corner of her eye she peeks at a framed photo on one of the shelves. It’s Jim with a man. Her husband, if the ring she spotted on her finger earlier was to be believed.

Mon finally makes her way around one of the sofas and takes a seat right at the edge of it, as if she’s expecting to run out of the room at a moment’s notice. Sam follows her and sits on the same sofa, at least a meter away. Her spine is rigid, she has her hands flat over her knees and her eyes don’t meet Mon’s.

The tense scene is then interrupted by Jim.

“The teas are coming now.” She then takes a seat on the nearby sofa, still wearing a big smile. "So, I suppose there is a reason for the unexpected visit?"

Sam clears her throat. "As you remember, Mon and I got married when we were at university.”

Jim snorts and Sam gives her a deathly look, so she tries to cover it with a cough.

"Yes. Yes, I remember. You two were a lovely couple.” She takes a long look at them. “I have to say, I'm glad to see you both back together."

“We’re not,” Mon is quick to correct.

Jim raises an eyebrow. “You’re not?”

Mon feels herself redden to her ears. What was she doing here exactly?

"No, we're not together."

Jim looks at Mon and Sam intermittently.

"That's precisely why we are here today," Sam says. "As you surely remember, you were one of my witnesses at the wedding."

Jim nods. “Uh-huh.”

"Mon wants to get married to someone else, and since we are already married, I thought it would be appropriate to nullify our previous engagement."

Jim opens her mouth like she’s going to say something, but she stops herself and then smiles widely.

"I see. Am I supposed to sign any documents?"

She is clearly having fun with this, Mon thinks, and curses under her breath.

Sam tilts her head thinking for a moment, and then shakes her head. "No, that won't be necessary. We just need your confirmation that you understand that Mon and I are no longer married."

Jim let out a soft laugh. "Well, consider this my confirmation.” At that moment, a man, who seemingly works in the house, arrives with the tray containing the teas they had asked for. “But since you are here, we should catch up.” Jim takes one of the cups from the tray and waits for Mon and Sam to do the same. “Sam said you’re getting married?”

Mon nods.

Jim glances towards Sam, before turning her attention back to Mon. “Allow me to give you my congratulations, Mon. Is it a woman?”

“Yes, her name is Zo. We met in England, but she’s Thai. We have been engaged for some time, but we wanted to get married here now that it’s legal.”

“I was so happy when the marriage equality act passed. Everybody should have the right to marry. I myself,” she says, flashing the ring on her finger, “got married two years ago. He’s a handsome man, I hope to have very beautiful babies.”

Mon extends her heartfelt congratulations and Sam just hums with the smallest hint of a smile.

“Oh, fuzzy, always so expressive,” Jim jokes.

Mon can’t help to smile as she looks at Sam despite herself. A wave of fondness hit her as their eyes met, and she had to look away.

“Well, she managed to make you fall in love with her,” Jim commented. “So there is clearly something else to her.”

Mon shakes her head lightly with a soft laugh, remembering her first impression of Sam. “Well, it took some convincing.”

*

Mon spent her high school years with her nose buried in the books, studying hard to be able to make it to the university of her choice. However, it seemed like the challenge had just started.

It only took a couple of days to realize that the level that was expected of her here was not comparable to her previous academic life. Regardless, she was determined to make a success of her degree, and she prepared for every class, taking rigorous notes and checking the relevant books out of the library as soon as she could.

She also spent most of that week alone. Her childhood best friend and neighbor, Nop, didn’t attend the same university. And Yuki, her other best friend, didn’t share any classes with her.

That’s why she got to her first marketing class with plenty of time before it started. She found a good seat, one that was close to the front with a good view of the professor and the screen, and then took out her things and started reading through the syllabus to make time, while the rest of the students slowly started pouring around her. She kept her eyes trained down on her desk until she felt someone sitting next to her. She looked up and saw a boy, with his notebook and a pen on the table. He was also staring at her.

“Hi,” he said smiling. “My name is Tul.”

Mon hadn’t really met anyone until then. Everybody seemed to keep to themselves, so she thought it was nice of him to talk to her.

“Mon,” she introduced herself, and she returned the smile.

Over the next few weeks, Mon and Tul got to know each other. They only shared that class, so they didn’t have a lot of time to talk. Mon noticed that Tul wasn’t as dedicated as she was, but he was still a good student and nice to her. They would study together after class some days, and Mon always let him borrow the tidy notes that she prepared as they sat together before each lesson.

One day, while she was talking to him before the class started, she heard someone making a loud coughing noise behind her. When she turned around, Mon saw a girl standing beside her. She didn’t seem much taller than her, although she could have gotten that impression from the way she stood rigidly tall and upright. She had long black hair and she had to admit she was very pretty. She also looked vaguely familiar, so Mon assumed she also took that class.

They stared at each other for a long while, while Mon waited for her to say something.

“Yes?” Mon said, when she accepted that the girl wasn’t going to start the conversation.

The girl looked around, apparently trying to look uninterested. “I like your notes,” she said after a few seconds.

Mon furrowed her brows. She didn’t understand what was happening.

“Thanks?”

The girl stood there for a few more seconds as if she was waiting for something, and then she went away. When Mon turned around to look at Tul again, he was quietly laughing.

“What just happened?” she asked, more to herself than anything.

“That’s Samanun Anuntrakul,” he said between giggles.

“Huh?”

“She’s a Mhom Luang.”

“Oh,” was all that Mon was able to say.

This was a very good university, and the only two ways to get in were good grades and money. She was used to being surrounded by important people, but not to them talking to her. Much less for one of them saying out of the blue that they liked her notes.

Mon looked around discreetly and she saw her sitting two rows behind her. She was staring at her but quickly looked away when she caught her gaze.

Mon turned around again to face the front of the class. She remained confused about the strange encounter, but she let it go when the professor arrived, and she started to take notes as diligently as ever.

In the next several classes, Mon noticed how the girl always passed by her on her way to her seat, approaching slowly and looking vaguely in her direction, only to speed up afterwards and sit on her usual spot.

It was a head scratcher but not the weirdest thing she had yet to witness with her.

The professor assigned the class a group project, for which they needed to be in groups of three. This would have been more stressful for Mon if it wasn’t for Tul. He asked her to work on the project together with his friend Uea. She agreed, grateful not to have to go around the class asking people if she could join their group. They put their names down on a sheet of paper with their proposal and handed it to the professor.

The next week, however, the strange girl was once again next to her.

“Hi.” This time she didn’t wait for Mon to speak first. “My name is Sam Anuntrakul.”

Mon blinked several times, but she thought since she now knew she was a Mhom Luang, she should act respectfully towards her.

“Hi, Khun Sam,” she said putting both her hands together. “I’m Mon.”

“I’m in your group project.”

Mon stared at her confused.

“I think there is a mistake, we already have a group of three.”

Sam looked exasperated.

“There has been a change. I’m now with you and…” she nodded towards Tul, “him.”

“Oh.” Mon tried to think of what could have happened. “I see. Uhm, his name is Tul,” she pulled his friend by the shirt, who was pretending not to be interested in the conversation, to call for his attention. “Tul,” she muttered under her breath, “she’s going to be doing the group project with us.”

He lifted his head towards Sam.

“And Uea?”

Sam scoffed. “I’ll see you on Friday after class,” was all she said, and she returned to her seat.

Tul turned towards Mon with a questioning look, and she just shrugged. Whatever happened, it seemed like they were now stuck with her.

When Mon got to the library on Friday, she found that Sam already had a table for them to work. She was sitting there with her laptop and several books open.

“Hi, Khun Sam,” she greeted the girl, who looked just as serious and stiff as she had all the times she had seen her in class. “Should we wait for Tul before we start?”

“No need.” Sam motioned towards one of the chairs. “He texted me and said he cannot make it today.”

Mon blinked several times. He hadn’t said anything to her.

“Should we postpone?”

Sam looked up at her with piercing eyes. “Why?” She sounded offended. “Is it because you want to be together with him? You don’t think I’m good enough?”

Mon was taken aback by her response and hurried to pacify her. “No, not at all, Khun Sam. I just thought…” Mon looked at Sam’s expression and changed what she was going to say. “Yes, Khun Sam, we can work together.”

Sam seemed to relax, and moved the laptop a little bit to show the contents to Mon.

“I have started drafting the proposal, I’ve put the file in a shared folder. You can see it in your email.”

Mon sat down beside her and started to work. She caught Sam sneaking glances at her several times. Every time they stared at each other, she stood quiet as if waiting for something, and then she looked away.

Mon didn’t fail to notice how beautiful her eyes were. She actually thought it was nice when she looked at her, but Sam was acting so strange, she had no idea what was actually going on in her head.

She finally finished a draft of her part of the project, and she showed it to Sam. The girl started going through it, and she loudly stated what was wrong with each of the paragraphs.

Mon felt like Sam was willingly bullying her.

“Maybe they didn’t teach this in your school,” Sam was saying, infuriating Mon even more, “but this is not the correct way to put the ideas. See, you should—.”

A ping on Mon’s phone saved Sam from being strangled. She stood up and moved away to look at the message that had just come through.

Tul: When do you think you’ll have time to meet for the project?

“Huh?” Mon said audibly to herself.

Mon: We are working on it now, I’ll let you know if we need your help later

Tul: We? Who?

Mon looked at her phone, and then at Sam, who was still busy looking at the laptop, with growing suspicion.

Mon: Me and Khun Sam…

Tul: Khun Sam?! She told me that today was cancelled and that we couldn’t meet!!

That was it.

Mon came back to the table and dropped the phone loudly on it, startling Sam. Mon was so furious her hands were shaking as she carelessly started shoving her things in her bag.

“What are you doing?” Sam looked a little panicked. “You can’t go, we haven’t finished yet.”

“What am I doing?” Mon was hyperventilating by now. “Tell me again what happened with Tul. He told you he couldn’t come?”

Sam’s face told her all she needed to know. She went back to packing her things.

“Mon, stop.”

“No, enough, Khun Sam.” Mon was almost shouting. “You somehow got yourself in our group project, then made sure that Tul wouldn’t come, and then you lied to me about it. And all afternoon all you’ve done is criticize what I’ve done and treated me like I don’t know anything. You may be a good student, but so am I. I didn’t buy my place in this university, and you should at least respect me.”

Sam just stared at her open mouthed. Mon’s throat felt tight with contained rage, and she realized she was close to tears.

“I don’t know what your intentions were,” Mon said, softer this time, as she forced herself to calm down. “I don’t know if you were planning on humiliating me for some reason, but I’m done. If you are so smart, you can finish the project by yourself.”

And with that, she turned to go without sparing a second glance towards Sam.

*

Jim is almost laughing as Mon describes her first time alone with Sam. To be honest, Mon herself is also getting worked up as she remembers it.

In the meantime, Sam had just listened to the conversation without saying anything. However, once or twice Mon had caught her clicking her tongue or shaking her head.

“I’m not actually surprised that that’s how your first encounter with fuzzy went,” Jim says, bringing up again the old nickname Sam’s friends had for her. “Who gave you the idea that doing this would get you closer to Mon?”

“You,” Sam says suddenly, staring at Jim. “You gave me the idea.”

Jim looks surprised.

“Me?”

Sam nods slowly and takes a deep breath.

*

Just because she had finished high school, it didn’t mean that Sam was free of her friends. Tee, Kade, and Jim, her best and, really, only friends were going to the same university as her. And, of course, they insisted on spending time together between classes.

That’s how she found herself arriving too late to get the best seat for her marketing class—near the front, with a good view of the professor and the screen behind them—. She had to settle for the second-best space she could find, and Jim just dropped in the seat beside her without a care.

Sam didn’t do anything to mask her annoyance, but her friend wasn’t paying attention to her so she focused instead on the girl who was sitting on what she would have considered the ideal location. She had long brown hair and her desk was full of pink stuff: pink pens, a pink notebook. Even the laptop cover was pink. So childish, she thought.

But when Sam caught a glimpse of her profile as she turned to speak to the boy beside her, it made her breath get caught in her throat. Sam was suddenly very aware of the beating of her heart, as it suddenly started hammering on her chest when she caught a glimpse of her smile on the corner of her lips. Sam didn’t know why exactly, but looking at the girl interact with the guy made her upset, especially when she smiled at him, and had the irrational urge to get him away from her.

The professor arrived, and the whole room went quiet. Sam shook her head to get rid of her previous thoughts, but she couldn’t stop herself from stealing glances towards the girl during the whole hour, hoping for a moment where she would turn her head to see her face again.

It wasn’t until the third class that Sam finally arrived with enough time to get the perfect seat. She hesitated for a moment and then she took her usual spot. She had realized she liked the view from there more after all.

Sam noticed over the next few weeks that the girl always passed her notes to the boy before the class started. That made her huff and roll her eyes—why couldn’t he get his own notes? —, but every time she tried to get a peek at the papers, and she had to admit they looked really clean.

An idea occurred to her then.

She got up to stand next to the girl, and coughed lightly to get her attention, which, at that moment, was annoyingly caught up with the boy beside her. She turned on her seat, and for the first time she had a full close-up view of her face. She was staring at her with those bright brown eyes, mouth slightly parted. Sam’s knees felt weak, and her mouth suddenly went dry.

A word from the girl brought her back to the present.

“I like your notes,” Sam said, in the most casual tone she could manage.

Sam waited for a long time for her to offer to share them with her as well, but she didn’t. She felt insulted as she returned to her seat. Why was she offering them to the boy and not to her. Sam couldn’t figure out what she did wrong.

After that, Sam made a show of going around the class to pass by her side every time on her way to her seat. The girl would make eye contact, but every single time, she ignored her and went back to talk to the boy.

When Sam sat on her seat that day, Jim started gossiping about an affair she had with one guy or another. Her friends were always talking to her about their dalliances, despite the fact that she made it very clear every time that she wasn’t interested in any of it. This time was different, though, as something Jim said caught her attention.

“So, I finally got him alone in the music classroom, and well…” Jim raised her eyebrows. “Let’s just say, that there’s a reason why I have to use lip balm today,” Jim giggled, showing the tube before she applied it to her lips.

Sam’s eyes went instinctively towards the girl.

The professor had assigned the class a group project, so as soon as they were dismissed, she went to him to request to be in the same group as the girl, whose name, she found out, was Mon. They already had submitted their group proposal, but she used her position as Mhom Luang to intimidate the professor and agree to the exchange.

When she talked to Mon and her friend, she agreed with them to meet on Friday, and then, excited about the prospect of having her alone, she texted Tul that the meeting was cancelled. She also bought lip balm.

But things didn’t go as she planned. For some reason, Mon had gotten very angry with her and didn’t reply to any of the messages she left during the weekend. She tried to think why Mon was so upset. She said that she had tried to humiliate her, but she had only pointed out where her work fell short to help her improve. Was she too proud to accept help?

Sam decided to finish the project herself, hoping that that would win her back. But when she handed it to her when she saw her next in class, something in her stare told her that she had still done something wrong.

“Are you still mad at me?”

Mon scoffed. “It’s ok,” Mon put away the pages Sam had given her on a folder. “Thanks for finishing the project.”

Sam hummed, and waited for Mon to say something else, but she just looked down at her notes, and pretended to be reading them.

The next week, Sam tried to give her snacks, but she refused them, saying that she wasn’t hungry.

As a last resort, she decided to bring the issue to her friends, knowing full well that she wasn’t going to get anything helpful or reasonable out of them.

“What do you do if someone is angry at you?” Sam asked while they were all having lunch on campus.

In a moment, three pairs of eyes were on her, and Sam instantly regretted asking the question.

“What did you do, Sam?” asked Tee in an accusatory tone.

Sam shrugged. “It’s just a hypothetical. How do you make someone stop being angry at you? If you have already tried giving them snacks and it didn’t work.”

“Have you tried apologizing?” Tee said.

“Huh?”

“Sam, we love you,” Jim said, and Sam feared what she was going to say next. “But your social skills are truly terrible.”

“Why are you insulting me?”

Kade intervened with a soothing voice. “Sam, sweetie, what Jim and Tee are trying to say is that if she’s angry at you it’s probably because you did something wrong and have to apologize. Have you tried doing that?”

Sam huffed. “I don’t even think I did anything wrong.”

She ignored the looks that appeared on her friends’ faces. They always did that when they insisted that she didn’t understand something very obvious.

“Look Sam, I know you don’t want to give us details, but if you really want to make up with this person, you have to think about what you did to make them upset and give a sincere apology.”

Sam hummed and changed the topic. She knew she wasn’t going to get anything useful out of them.

Sam was wistfully observing Mon from her vantage point. She was laughing heartly at something that Tul had said and it made her want to snap the pencil in her hand. She had already made up her mind to ignore Mon, but it was impossible. So, once again, she got up and walked towards her.

“Mon,” Sam called for her attention. As soon as Mon turned to her, Sam noticed that usual weakness she felt whenever Mon’s eyes were on her. She should hate it, but instead, it made her want Mon to always look at her. “I’m sorry.”

She had decided to do what her friends had suggested, despite finding it idiotic.

Mon’s eyes went wide and waited a few seconds to reply.

“Do you even know what you are apologizing for?”

No, she didn’t. She really wished she did. She only wanted Mon to stop being mad at her so they could spend more time together.

“I guess…” Sam tried to think about what Mon had said. “I’m sorry that I lied to you.”

Mon’s look in that moment was the same exasperated expression she often saw in her friends’ faces. She was ready to give up and go back to her seat when she saw a small smile appear on her lips.

“Can you at least explain why you did it?”

That was her opportunity. She wasn’t used to just saying what she wanted, but she figured it was worth the risk.

“I wanted to spend time with you.”

Sam observed how Mon bit the inside of her mouth trying not to smile. It should have upset her, but like with everything surrounding Mon, it didn’t. It made her feel warm inside.

Mon seemed to think about it.

“Tul and I are going to meet later to study. Do you want to come?”

“Does he have to be there?” Mon glared at her. “Yes, I would love to come,” she corrected quickly.

Feeling lighter than she ever remembered being, Sam went back to her seat, no longer repressing a smile.

“She forgave you then.”

Sam had forgotten that Jim was sitting beside her. Her face went back to her neutral expression and ignored the question. Jim just shook her head with a smile. That, Sam thought, she did hate.

Sam spent the afternoon studying with Tul and Mon. She kept giving him glares whenever he joked around Mon, but she decided that he liked him a lot more when he mentioned he was meeting his girlfriend later. After that, she actually started talking to him and helping him when he had questions.

“You did good today, Khun Sam,” commented Mon after he had left. “You were very nice to Tul.”

She felt warm at the praise. She made a mental note as she hummed with a curt nod.

“I also liked that you apologized earlier. Even though you don’t know what you were apologizing for.”

“I’m sorry I made you upset.” Sam didn’t know where that came from, but she realized that was the truth. Mon seemed to realize it too, because she gave her that warm smile that was completely disarming. Sam would steal the moon for her if she asked her.

“I liked that even more.”

Feeling audacious, Sam said, “When can we meet again?”

“We always meet after marketing class to study, if you want to come.”

Sam stopped herself from rolling her eyes. “I want to meet you without Tul.”

“I thought you liked him now.”

“Tomorrow. For dinner.”

Mon smiled slowly and nodded. “Ok.”

They walked through a path covered by trees. Mon had already stopped asking where they were going and let Sam lead her through the park that was near the university.

Sam insisted on covering Mon’s eyes as they made one last turn and allowed her to open them again when they came in view of a small pavilion located in a clearing of the trees. There were several benches around and in the center of the pavilion, Sam had placed a blanket with a basket of food, surrounded by hanging lights.

“I thought I would take you somewhere special,” Sam said.

Mon stared at it for a moment, taking it all in. “You did this?”

“The maid prepared the food.”

Mon gave her an amused smile.

Sam moved quickly towards the pavilion. She sat on the blanket and started to take items out of it. “Want to try it?” she asked, handing a snack over to Mon, who was sitting in front of her on the blanket.

Mon took it in her hand but didn’t bite it.

“What’s the matter?” Sam asked, worried. “Don’t you like it? I have more if you want.”

She rushed to take out more things from the basket before she was stopped by Mon’s hand on hers.

“It’s not that,” Mon shook her head, smiling. “It’s just that… I like it very much.”

Sam returned the smile.

“I think…” Sam felt brave in the dim light. “I think we should have a code for when I do things right.”

“A code?” Mon stared at her confused. “A code like what?”

“Hmmm.” Sam pretended to think. “I think that…when I do something right…you should kiss me.”

Mon raised an eyebrow. “Kiss you?”

“Yes. In the TV serials they do things like that.”

Mon was just staring at her open mouthed, so Sam leaned closer offering her cheek. Mon hesitated for a moment before placing a quick kiss on it. Sam felt a burning sensation spreading from where Mon’s lips had met her skin. She felt shy and looked down at her hands with a barely suppressed smile. And then, she felt another kiss, this time on the other side.

“What was that for?” Sam’s face was positively red right now.

“I liked your reaction, too,” Mon said, with a cheeky grin.

Without thinking twice, Sam leaned down to press her lips against Mon’s face.

When she looked at her again, Mon’s smile had turned soft. “And what was that for?”

“I liked what you did, too.”  

Once again, Mon kissed Sam’s cheek, and Sam reciprocated. Mon pressed yet another kiss, and when it was Sam’s turn again, she moved closer to her jaw and let her lips linger for a few seconds. Sam noticed Mon’s slightly hooded eyes. She wondered if she would stop when Mon moved to press a kiss against the side of her face, but this time she remained there a lot longer. Sam already felt like she was about to combust, and, at the same time, she wanted to keep feeling Mon’s lips on her forever.

When Mon pulled away this time, she remained at a close distance. So close that she could feel her warm breath. Her hand was on Sam’s shoulder, her eyes staring deeply into hers.

Mon’s gaze dropped to her lips, and she braced herself, grasping with strength the blanket beneath her, as if she would fall if she didn’t. Mon slowly leaned in, and fireworks exploded inside Sam at the first press of their mouths together.

*

The empty teacups lay on the coffee table, long finished and forgotten. Sam is standing beside the window, with her back turned to Jim and Mon. She had moved there earlier, while she talked, in an effort, Mon guessed, to hide her face while she told her side of the story. Mon can’t blame her for feeling vulnerable. In all the time she’s known her, this is the most open she has ever seen her. Some of the things she just said, not even Mon knew about.

She can’t help the heat running to her face as she reminisces about that first kiss with Sam. She remembers the butterflies in her stomach as if she’s feeling them right now. She closes her eyes for a brief moment, as she softly caresses her own arm, evocating Sam’s touch.

The silence in the room doesn’t last long, as Jim voice brings her back to the present.

“Sam, that was so beautiful!” Her voice is exaggerated but Mon can tell the sentiment is genuine. “Why did you never tell me this?”

Sam clears her throat and turns again. Her cheeks have a tinge of red. It’s cute. She’s cute. But Mon doesn’t want to think about that.

Jim looks at her watch. “Girls, I really am sorry to say this. I was having such a good time, but I have a lunch in an hour, and look at me!” she pulls at her gym t-shirt. “I can’t show up to the club like this.”

“It’s ok, Jim,” Mon quickly gets up from her seat, “we have bothered you long enough.” Mon looks at her watch too, and is dismayed when she realizes it’s been hours since she left home.

“Yes, thank you for your time,” Sam says.

“Oh, it wasn’t a bother at all,” Jim says. “Are you going to visit the others as well?”

“Yes, that’s what we want.” Mon doesn’t miss the use of ‘we’ as if this was Mon’s idea too. “But we don’t know where Nop, Tee and Yuki are.”

“Oh,” Jim squeals excited. “I know where the little twink is. I met him on a trip with my husband. He’s a hotel manager in Krabi. I think I still have the card.”

Jim runs up the stairs and re-appears a few minutes later.

“Here,” Jim flashes a business card at them, “this is the hotel.”

Before Mon has a chance to say anything, Sam takes it. “Thank you, Jim.”

Jim grins widely, happy to be part of their little adventure.

“I hope I get to see you again,” she comments as she accompanies them to the front door. “Are you back in Bangkok for good?”

“Yes,” Mon replies with a smile, feeling happy at the implication of keeping in touch with Jim. “We are staying in a flat while we settle down, but we want to buy a house after the wedding.”

Jim looks at Sam, who is standing quietly, a little apart from them, as if the conversation didn’t involve her.

“Hey, Sam,” Jim yells at her. “Don’t be a stranger again, ok? You might be a pain, but I really missed you.”

Sam slowly lifts her eyes, incredulous at first. Then, a little smile forms on her face. “Ok,” she says, and she turns to leave before she stops to face Jim again. “I missed you too.”

It sounds as if a dentist extracted that last sentence out of her, but she does say it. And Mon has to restrain the impulse to give Sam a kiss on the cheek.

Chapter Text

Back in the car, Sam pulls out her phone without saying a word and starts scrolling through it.

“Found it.” Sam says triumphantly. “There is a flight to Krabi this evening. We can be there by 9.”

“What? I'm not going to Krabi with you.” Mon says indignantly. Did Sam really expect her to drop everything and fly there with her?

Sam looks back at her. “We had a deal.”

“No, we didn’t have a deal. You forced me to come here by threatening to take me to court, and I accepted because I don’t want any more trouble, but going to Krabi is too much. I can’t just simply get on a plane with you to look for a guy I haven’t spoken to in years.”

They stare at each other for a moment. Mon spoke with confidence and finality, but her external façade contrasts with the swirl of emotions inside her. She feels angry at Sam’s arrogance, at the fact that she thinks that she can just drop into her life and Mon will do whatever she asks. And she feels guilty, because some part of her knows that she shouldn’t be out here with Sam in the first place. And she feels even more guilty when she acknowledges the deepest feeling of them all, the one that she wanted to remain untapped, and that’s the fact that she does want to be here.

There’s a part of her that wants Sam to bring up the bigamy suit again to force her to go with her. Mon huffs in annoyance and tears her eyes away from Sam, who still hasn’t said another word.

“Fine,” she lets out finally, in defeat, and she doesn’t know if she lost the battle against Sam or herself. “We’ll go tomorrow.”

Mon waits for Sam’s comeback, but it doesn’t come.

“I’ll pick you up from your home,” she says instead.

“No, we’ll meet at the airport.” Mon observes Sam from the corner of her eyes. She looks like she’s about to protest, but she finally gives in. She turns on the ignition with a soft, “okay.”

Sam drops Mon in front of her apartment building. They exchange contacts, and before Mon reaches the door of her flat, she has already texted her the time of their flights.

She’s not expecting to see Zo in the living room as soon as she opens the door and, when she looks around at the unopened boxes that she had promised to unpack that morning, she feels her heart clenching.

“Mon,” says Zo when she sees her. “Where were you? Have you been gone all morning?”

Mon closes the door softly behind her and looks down.

“I’m sorry. Something happened this morning.”

Zo’s brow wrinkles with worry. “What is it? Are you ok?”

“Yes, yes, I’m fine,” Mon rushes to reassure her. Then she sighs. “Sam came over this morning.”

Zo’s expression changes when she hears that name. “Sam,” she says, and Mon can almost hear the silent ‘your ex.’

Mon moves towards the couch, and sits down, hoping Zo will do the same. She knows it’s not going to be easy to make her understand. She knows she wouldn’t if the roles were reversed.

“Sam and I got married in university,” Mon explains when Zo takes a seat beside her. “Of course, it was a symbolic wedding,” she clarifies when she sees Zo’s doubtful look. “But Sam showed up threatening to sue me if I go ahead with marrying you.”

“She can’t do that!”

Mon shakes her head. “I know, but she says she’ll do it anyway, unless I go with her to talk to the witnesses of our wedding to tell them that we are no longer together. To ‘nullify’ our marriage.”

“That’s insane.” Mon looks at her shoes, and Zo takes the hint. “Did you...Did you agree to do it?”

“I just want to be done with this, so she doesn’t bother us anymore,” Mon pleads. “That’s where I’ve been this morning, we went to see one of her friends.”

“Mon, she’s bluffing, she has no legal case. Any court would dismiss it.”

“I know she has no legal case, she knows it too, but she also has enough money to run us through the justice system for months if she wants to.”

Zo scoffs. “And how many more friends do you need to visit?”

“Three,” she says, and she knows the next part will be hard for her to hear. “But we only know the location of one of them. He’s in Krabi.”

“Are you going to wait until he comes to Bangkok, or will you just give him a call?”

“Zo…”

Her eyes widen as she understands what Mon means. “You’re not serious.”

“Please, understand. This is for the best. And besides,” Mon says without thinking, “it would be nice to see Nop again.”

“So you do want to go,” Zo declares.

“That’s not—” Mon begins to say, but Zo is already up, entering the bedroom and closing the door behind her.

They don’t speak for the rest of the day. Mon prepares a small luggage with the clothes that she would need for a short trip. Although she only expects to be away one night, she prepares for the eventuality of having to stay over another day.

Zo just observes her without any comment, and then they have dinner in silence.

When they are lying on the bed together, Mon can’t take it anymore and tries to reconcile with her.

“You know, maybe you can make some progress unpacking while I’m gone.” Still silence. “I’m thinking, once everything is in place, we could throw a small party, invite our families. I think that would be nice.”

After a few seconds, she receives a hum of approval. “Yes, it would be nice.”

Mon moves her hand to cover hers. When Zo interlaces their fingers, she breathes out in relief. A small victory, for now.

Chapter Text

Mon tells her that she doesn’t have to accompany her to the airport and Zo doesn’t insist. On her way she reproaches herself again for doing this, but a force bigger than her rational mind keeps her going forward.

The terminal is packed when she arrives, and she wonders how she’s supposed to find Sam amongst all those people. She doesn’t have to wonder long though, because just as she’s reaching for her phone to text her, she sees her. Sam is looking around herself with a frown, like she’s really doubting if Mon will show up.

As she stares at her, it feels as if the world dissolves around her, and there is only Sam, glowing against the background. Mon considers not making her presence known to allow herself a few moments of observing her from afar, where she can pretend that she’s still just a memory, and it can’t hurt her anymore.

Mon shakes her thoughts, and forces herself to move forward, hardening her face and her heart. Sam’s face lights up when she sees her, relief spread all over her body as she visibly relaxes. They greet each other, and it’s awkward. For some reason, more than it was the day before, when Sam barged into Mon’s apartment. There is a tension when they stare at each other, loaded with things unsaid.

“I’m glad you came.”

“I almost didn’t. Zo…” Mon sees how Sam tenses at the mention of her fiancée, her hands pulled into fists. “…Zo wasn’t happy about it,” she finishes the sentence, regretting saying it at all.

“You’ll be back soon.” Sam turns around sharply, and Mon can feel a wall appear between them.

They sit quietly in the waiting area, and then on the plane. Several times she thinks about making conversation, anything to break the weird tension between them, but everything feels inadequate. It’s not like they are strangers, because you can always talk about anything with someone you have no previous history with. The news, a comment about how uncomfortable the seats are, a joke about the delays. But with Sam, even the most insignificant details are full of shared memories.

So, they don’t talk, but when they are sitting together in the plane, Sam reaches out to hold her hand. She doesn’t say a word, just gives her a quick look and keeps their hands interlaced in the space between them. Sam remembers, Mon thinks in awe. She remembers that she’s afraid of flying.

They hold hands throughout the entire flight. Sam never shows any intention of letting go of her. A lump catches in Mon’s throat as she remembers how Sam used to protect her. God, she thinks, unconsciously squeezing her a little tighter, Sam had loved her so much.

Mon also doesn’t try to untangle her hand from Sam’s, and she’s not quite sure it’s only her fear of flying that keeps her holding on to her.

They take a taxi from the airport to Ao Nang. It’s a half an hour drive, and Mon looks through the window taking the scenery in. She hasn’t traveled much around Thailand before, and she decides in that moment that that is something she is going to fix soon. Sadly, they arrive directly at the hotel. She tries to remind herself that she’s not here for tourism, but she’s still disappointed.

Sam has booked two rooms at Nop’s hotel, and they go there first to leave the luggage. The room is impressive, with a king bed, a large balcony and a bathtub that could comfortably fit two. Her mind wanders imagining how she and Sam could be sharing it, pressed against each other…

Mon shakes her head, horrified by her own thoughts. Zo. Zo is the one who should be there with her. She makes a mental note to tell her later. How much she wished she was there with her.

She doesn’t pause to think whether it’s true or not. She leaves the room and goes back to the common area of the hotel, where Sam is already waiting. Her back is turned, and she’s looking through the glass wall that separates it from the pool. And beyond, on the horizon, they can see the sun starting to set.

“It’s beautiful,” Mon says when she gets to Sam.

Sam startles, but her gaze softens when she sees her.

“You’re back soon. I thought you would want to speak to…” she trails off.

“Later,” Mon says quickly. For some reason, she also doesn’t want to hear her name when she’s with Sam. “We should look for Nop, actually. Where do you think we should start?”

Sam opens her mouth to reply but then they hear a voice near them.

“Mon?”

When they look in the direction of the sound, there’s Nop, dressed in a smart white shirt and black dress pants. He looks older and more handsome than Mon remembers him. She almost can’t believe that he’s the same boy that lived next door to her all her life. Her first impulse was to run to hug him. She stops herself as she remembers that she left and cut all contact with everyone except her family. She wonders if he’s even glad to see her again.

It’s Sam who makes the first move. She approaches him and puts her hands together to greet him.

“Hi, Nop.”

He looks between her and Mon, with suspicion. “Khun Sam,” is all he says. Despite being cordial, Mon always knew there was no love lost between the two of them.

“Hi, Nop,” greets Mon, when she finally finds her voice. “We were actually…” she eyes Sam, “we were looking for you.”

“Me?” He looks at them with incredulity.

“We don’t want to take too much of your time,” Sam says. “This is related to our marriage.”

“Our marriage?!” Nop says almost in a fit of laugh.

“Mon and mine,” Sam clarifies.

Nop lets out a small laugh. “Yes, your marriage.”

The sarcastic tone is not lost on Mon, but Sam continues anyway.

“You were a witness in our wedding.”

“Yes…”

“We came here to inform you that we no longer wish to be married.”

The shock in Nop’s face is obvious.

“You came all the way here just to tell me that?”

“Mon wants to get married to someone else, and we want to nullify our wedding so she can proceed.”

Nop takes a few seconds to process what Sam just said. Mon can practically see the wheels turning in his head as his face goes from incredulous, to astonished, to amused. Finally, he looks at Mon grinning.

“This is her idea, right?”

Mon nods her head, slightly mortified.

“Well, you came all the way here, let’s do this properly.” He claps his hands in front of him. “Let’s have dinner together, we have a fantastic restaurant. I’ll make sure to get us a nice table. It’s almost dinner time, so you can go up and freshen up, I will wait at the outdoor restaurant.”

Mon wants to laugh. It’s completely ridiculous, from the reason they are here to the way they met again. But she’s so happy. She’s just reconnected with her best friend from childhood, who not only is willing to talk to her, but actually wants to have dinner together. It’s like yet another missing piece of her old life is coming back and she’s just…so happy.

Nop didn’t lie, the table he got them was very good, with an impressive look to the sea, in the vicinity of the live band, but not so close that they can’t hold a conversation. “Manager privileges” he calls it.

He also took the liberty to order for them, and when they take a seat on the table in front of him, they find a big plate of fresh seafood and fried rice waiting for them.

“So, big shot manager,” Mon comments peeling a piece of the lobster.

Nop beams with pride. “Yes, I’ve been working here for a few years, I guess I had a knack for the job.”

“How long have you been?”

“Hmm, I came here right after finishing university. I didn’t have anything keeping me there anymore.” Mon thinks she knows what he’s referring to, and her smile vanishes. “Hey, I’m not blaming you, it was rough, I understand why you had to disappear.”

Nop gives a cautious look towards Sam. She’s impassive, staring at the food on her plate as she eats, but Mon knows by now how good she is at putting a façade and not showing her real emotions.

“What have you been up to in England?” Nop asks her.

“Nothing as fancy. I was in the marketing team for a big engineering firm.”

“Have you already found a new job?”

Mon shakes her head.

“No, we did everything pretty last minute. I haven’t started looking, actually.”

There is a short pause, then Nop stares at Sam.

“How about you, Khun Sam,” says Nop. “What do you do?”

Sam looks up, as if wondering if he really is talking to her.

“I have my own company. Diversity. I found it with my business partner after university.”

Mon can’t help but smile with pride.

“Khun Sam, that’s amazing,” her hand goes instinctively to cover hers. “That was always your dream.”

Sam stares at her and then at where their hands are joined on the table. A small blush goes to Mon’s face when she realizes what she’s done, but instead of moving her hand, she gives it a little squeeze.

“I’m really happy for you, Khun Sam. Really.”

Sam’s eyes are shiny when she looks back at Mon. “Thank you.”

They stare at each other for a long moment. When they finally look away, Mon notices Nop’s gaze going from her to Sam with a little smile. Mon chastises him with her eyes, and Nop clears his throat.

“So, you said you wanted to annul your marriage.” They both nod in agreement. “And how is that supposed to happen.”

Mon lets Sam reply, since it was her bright idea anyway.

“We just…” she’s a little flustered, and Mon wonders if it’s got to do with their earlier interaction. “We just wanted to inform our witnesses. For your information.”

Nop leans back on his seat, a little more serious.

“I know you know I wasn’t your biggest fan, Khun Sam.” Sam just nods with a shrug. “I even tried to talk Mon out of it.”

Sam raises an eyebrow but doesn’t say anything.

“Well, can you blame me? You were trying to pressure her.”

“Is that true?” Sam turns to face Mon, and Mon wished he would just stop talking.

“No, Khun Sam,” Mon says, clicking her tongue. “It wasn’t like that.”

That doesn’t stop Sam’s eyes from boring into her, as if she was just rewriting their history.

Mon looks between Sam and Nop, and tries to gather her thoughts.

*

The beginning of their relationship was rocky. Very different people from very different backgrounds were bound to clash. But the connection between them was such that they always made their way back to each other no matter what.

Mon had never expected to fall for a Mhom Luang. If she could have given any advice to herself, it would have been to run away from it. But Sam made it impossible.

Mon tried to remind herself that this could never be more than a university love affair for Sam, who would have to find someone of her status once she was out in the outside world. But despite knowing that she was someone she could never dream of having a future with, she could not stop herself from being consumed by the fire they produced when they were together. The heat of passion in the room they shared so many nights and so many days. The need to touch each other all the time, everywhere. Her arms were the ones she came running to whenever something good happened to her, and they were waiting for her as well when things went wrong.

There were fights, there were reconciliations, but it was impossible for them to be more than a day apart.

By the end of the second year, Sam and Mon had found a balance with each other. Mon had gotten better at reading Sam’s unusual demeanor. And Sam tried very hard to be everything Mon needed her to.

It was finals season and Mon was, as usual, studying in Sam’s dorm room. Mon could not afford to live on campus, so she still lived with her parents. But she had made it a habit to stay with her girlfriend.

But that day, Sam was especially restless.

They were both sitting on the bed. Mon was reading her course notes, trying to memorize the steps in the public affairs management process, while Sam kept poking her, nipping at her shoulder, giving her pecks all over her face.

“Khun Sam,” Mon complained. “I’m trying to study.”

Sam pushed down the stack of papers in Mon’s hands and gave her a peck on her lips.

“I love you. Do you love me?”

Mon chest tightened around her heart. It wasn’t the first time they shared “I love yous”, but it still made her feel conflicted. Because she did, a lot, and if she allowed herself to stare at the depth of the love she had for Sam, she might just fall into that abyss, and she didn’t know where she would land. Because whatever illusion she was living in now, she knew that Sam was out of her reach. That the love they felt for each other could only take them so far.

“Do you love me?” Sam asked again with a pout.

She was cute beyond belief.

Mon gave her a playful smile and poked her nose. “Yes, I love you, my Khun Sam.” Then she pushed her with one hand. “Can you let me study?”

Sam frowned, and then took the papers out of her hands and dropped them beside her. She moved to place her legs either side of Mon and pulled her closer. Mon sighed but let Sam take her into her arms.

“You’re so beautiful, Mon,” Sam said, studying her face as if she was a masterwork in a museum.

Sam leaned to take Mon’s lips into her own, slowly pressing on them with her mouth and tongue. Mon knew where this was going, and as much as she knew she should resist and go back to the discarded notes on her bed, Sam was hard to refuse when she was being so distracting.

Mon put one hand on the back of Sam’s neck and allowed her tongue to meet Sam’s, but to her surprise, Sam didn’t deepen the kiss. She pulled away slowly, her eyelids heavy.

“I want us to be forever, Mon,” she said, as her thumb went to clean Mon’s bottom lip.

Mon heart started beating faster, anxious about having any talk about their future.

“Don’t you want that, Mon?” she asked. She was being earnest.

Mon couldn’t reply. She just sighed and pressed their foreheads together.

The move didn’t distract Sam. She was caressing the side of her face with her thumb, and her stare was kept firmly on Mon’s eyes.

“I’m serious, Mon. I want us to get married.”

That word made Mon jerk aside, breaking the previous contact with Sam. “Get married?”

Sam looked taken aback by Mon’s reaction. “Yes, I want a future with you. I want us to get married.”

Mon was getting upset. She untangled her legs from under Sam and turned to face away from her.

“Mon, what’s wrong?” Sam asked.

“You know we can’t do that,” Mon said, avoiding Sam’s face.

“Why not? Because it’s not legal? I don’t care about that.”

“It’s not just that.” Mon was distressed, she wanted this conversation to be over. “Can we just go on like we are?”

“You don’t want a future with me.” It wasn’t a question. Mon glanced towards Sam. She looked angry and disappointed.

“Please, Khun Sam,” Mon reached out her arms, but Sam pushed them away. “Please, don’t be upset with me.” Mon tried her baby voice, but Sam was already getting up.

Mon watched as she took her bag and walked towards the door.

“Khun Sam, you can’t storm out, this is your dorm.”

“You can stay if you want,” she said, and left.

Mon dropped into the mattress. What had just happened? One second they were just kissing and moments away from having sex, and now Sam had left angry because Mon hadn’t accepted her sudden proposal.

She tried to go back to studying, but it was useless. Every time she heard steps outside, she tensed, expecting Sam to come back, but she never did.

Mon gave up eventually. It was no use being in Sam’s dorm without Sam, and she wasn’t going to be able to focus on studying anyway, so she decided to go out with her friends instead.

“What?!” said Nop and Yuki at the same time.

They were having dinner together in a food court. Her friends could tell pretty quickly that she was having a fight with Sam, so she didn’t try to hide it and told them that Sam had asked her to marry her.

“Mon, that’s amazing!” Yuki said, while Nop shook his head.

Yuki had always been very supportive of Mon’s relationship with Sam, even at the beginning, when Mon had so many doubts that she could make it work with her. Nop, on the other hand, had always been wary of Sam. Mon knew part of the reason was that he harbored feelings for her that she couldn’t return. Sam wasn’t a fan of Nop, either, so the feeling was mutual.

“It’s not amazing, Yuki,” Mon said. “She’s now angry because I didn’t say that I would marry her.”

Yuki’s face fell and Nop smiled.

“But, I thought you were in love with her.”

“You’re just saying the same thing as Khun Sam. Yes, I love her, but we cannot get married, Yuki, that’s crazy.”

“Mon is right,” intervened Nop. “They are only 20 years old. Khun Sam is being very pushy about this.”

“What else would you say,” Yuki lightly shoved Nop. “You can’t stand Khun Sam.”

Nop protested, but Yuki shut him up.

“Is this because you don’t feel ready, Mon?”

Mon rubbed her arms. “No, it’s not that. I can’t marry her, ever.”

Yuki stared at her open mouthed.

“Why?”

“You know why, Yuki,” Mon was exasperated. How could they not see the obvious. “Khun Sam is a Mhom Luang, and I’m just a commoner. Sooner or later, she’s going to find someone of her position. I’m not good enough for her.”

As she said those words, she felt the prick of tears in her eyes. There it was, the words that she had avoided saying out loud, but that had troubled her since they started dating.

“But Mon,” Yuki said softly, leaning towards her and caressing her arm. “Khun Sam is not just a Mhom Luang. Khun Sam is… Khun Sam. She’s your girlfriend. And she loves you very much. She adores you, Mon, we all see it. And she just told you that she wants to spend the rest of her life with you.”

Mon nodded, a tear already falling down her face.

“What you need to do now, is decide if you feel the same way about her. And if you don’t, you need to tell her that, too.”

Mon made her way back home with Nop. They were mostly quiet, Mon still had a lot of things on her mind, as she kept running through what Yuki had told her.

“We’re here,” said Nop, taking her out of her reverie. They had arrived to her house and she hadn’t even noticed.

“Oh, right, thank you, Nop.”

“Distracted?” Mon hummed an affirmation. “You know, you don’t have to marry her,” he said those last two words sarcastically, “just because she wants to. You don’t have to do whatever she wants because you don’t want to make her angry.”

“It’s not like that, Nop,” Mon defended herself.

Nop shook his head. “You already know what I think,” he said, and before Mon could reply, he added, “and it’s not just because…You know. What I feel for you. I’m saying this as a friend. I just want you to be happy.”

“Thank you, Nop,” she said, pulling him for a hug. She appreciated that he was looking out for her. But this was a conversation she needed to have with Sam.

It was past midday when she knocked on Sam’s dorm the next day. When Sam opened, she just stared at her for a second and left the door open for Mon to enter while she sat on the bed.

Mon closed the door behind her and sat beside Sam.

“I’m sorry,” she started to say, but Sam shook her head.

“No, I’m sorry,” she looked at Mon with a resigned expression. “I shouldn’t have pushed you so much yesterday.”

Mon chuckled. “Who did you speak with?”

“Tee.”

Sam looked so endearing with that defeated look on her face, Mon had to cup her face with her hands and give her a quick kiss.

“I’m also sorry that I didn’t express myself well yesterday,” she said, staring into Sam’s eyes. “It took me by surprise, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t love you, or that I don’t want what you want.”

Sam took ahold of the wrist currently pressing against her face and started caressing it with her thumb. Her eyes were open and vulnerable as she asked, “Then, why don’t you want to marry me?”

Mon pulled away, pointedly not looking at her. “I’m not good enough for you, Khun Sam.” Mon could hear her voice breaking at the admission.

Sam’s fingers were immediately on her chin, forcing Mon’s eyes back on her. “You are the best, Mon. No one is better than you.”

“But I’m only a commoner, and you are a royal. Sooner or later, you’ll need to be with someone of your position.”

Sam furrowed her eyebrows. “I don’t care about that. You’re the only want I want to spend my life with, Mon.”

“But your family—”

Sam interrupted with a kiss. “I will take care of that. I promise.”

Mon was starting to cry with joy, as she allowed herself to imagine her future with Sam, not as a dream, but something they could truly have. To love her without bounds and without worries. Falling into the abyss where Sam was there to catch her and love her back.

“Then… Do you want to marry me?” Sam asked hesitantly.

“Yes,” Mon said, pulling Sam closer by the back of the neck. “Yes, Khun Sam, I’ll marry you.”

Sam lit up at the words and pulled her for a tight hug.

“Next month,” she said enthusiastically when they finally moved away.

“What?”

“We’ll get married after finals.” Sam was resolute.

Mon smiled. Sam was crazy, and weird, and annoying. She was also the best person she had ever met, and soon she would become her wife. After finals.

*

There are only leftovers remaining on the plates as Mon finishes talking. Some of the people on the tables around them have already left for the night.

“I’m sorry,” Sam says in that moment, surprising Mon. “I’m sorry that I pressured you to it.”

Mon turns to look at Sam, frustrated that that was the conclusion she got from what she had just told her.

“You didn’t. I just told you. I wanted it, just as much as you did.”

“I wanted our marriage to be forever,” Sam can barely hold her gaze as she speaks. Her voice sounds small and delicate, as if she’s revealing a secret.

“I know,” Mon tells her, matching her tone. She wanted to believe that too.

“I did warn you, Khun Sam,” Nop says, “that Mon better not be a fleeting whim for you.”

“She wasn’t,” Sam says bluntly, her face hardening.

Nop seems to regret saying that. “I know.”

“She wasn’t a whim,” Sam repeats, breathing heavily. She is clutching the glass so hard, it might break. “She was the best thing in my life.”

*

Life was always strict under her grandmother’s tutelage, but things at home got much worse after Nueng, her oldest sister, left without a word, just a note to tell them not to look for her.

Suddenly, there was so much more pressure to be the golden grandchild, after Nueng had, according to her grandmother, disgraced them. She had to be the perfect royal, the perfect student, and, one day, the perfect wife to some man she would be married off to.

But while things kept getting worse at home, Sam found her safe space on campus. There, she was able to forget about pretending to be something, having to be someone she was not. There she had Mon, her girlfriend, who loved her for who she was, who would hold her tight at night and make her feel protected. Lying in bed, with the weight of Mon on top of her, so close you would think they were trying to become one, she could finally be at peace.

And while she had to follow her grandmother’s wishes, one thing was clear to her, she would only be one person’s wife, and that person was Mon.

The idea took hold on her, as she imagined forming her own little family with her favorite person in the world.

It was a miracle, indeed, that she managed to get any good grades in her finals after Mon accepted marrying her. It was all she could think about, the thought that made her happy every day when she woke up to the feeling of Mon pressed against her, knowing that they would never have to be apart.

Sam arranged a small ceremony at the pavilion where they first kissed. She decorated it with flowers and lights to surprise Mon. If it were up to her, she would have booked the biggest venue in Thailand, and show her wife to the whole world. She did find comfort in knowing that, while the whole world didn’t know about them, the important people in their lives would be there.

They had invited their best friends, as well as some of their other close friends, including Tul and Uea.

At Sam’s insistence, they also had two witnesses each. Sam let Tee, Jim and Kade fight over it, until they decided that Tee and Jim would be witnesses and Kade would say some words during the ceremony. Yuki and Nop were Mon’s. Sam tried not to sulk at having Nop be one of the witnesses of their wedding. Despite knowing that Mon only loved her, she didn’t like seeing her with Nop who obviously had feelings for her. But it was the most important day of her life, so she promised Mon and herself that she would be nice to him.

Sam was the first to arrive on the day of the ceremony, as Mon had insisted that they would spend the night apart the day before the wedding—some western tradition that Sam decided in that moment that she hated.

She was wearing a simple dress in Mon’s favorite color, pink. She had hated that color all her life, but it made her favorite person happy, so it made her happy too. Now, she would paint the whole world pink for her if she asked.

When every guest had arrived except Mon and Yuki, she started pacing nervously. It was almost the time they had arranged, why wasn’t she here yet? What if during the night she had changed her mind?

She noticed that Nop was looking at her with a bemused look, and she decided to swallow her pride and ask him.

“Do you know where Mon is?”

“Are you scared she’s going to stand you up?” Sam didn’t appreciate the mockery in his tone.

She huffed and turned to leave, she couldn’t believe she thought she’d get something out of him.

“She’ll come, don’t worry,” he said after her when she had already started walking away. Sam turned to face him again and she saw that he was serious now. “I don’t understand why, but she really loves you.”

Sam felt warmth spreading on her chest when she heard that, and she gave him a light nod in response.

“I hope you also love her as much as you say you do, Khun Sam,” he said her name in that mocking way he always did. “She better not be a play thing for you until you find something better.”

Sam felt a surge of anger at having him question her love for her. She stepped closer to him in an intimidating manner, but he held his position and his gaze on her. Then it hit her. They did not like each other, but they did have something in common. They both loved Mon. He wanted to make sure that her heart was protected, and she could respect that.

“I do love Mon,” she said finally, this time with no hint of animosity. “She’s everything to me.”

It was Nop’s turn to nod in agreement.

Mon arrived at that moment, followed by Yuki. She looked slightly out of breath, but she was beautiful with her pink cheeks and the white dress she was wearing. She took some hurried steps towards Sam with an apologetic look on her face.

“I’m sorry I’m late, Khun Sam, I had a problem with the dress. Yuki was helping me fix it.”

Sam, who had been dazed at the sight of Mon, woke up from her stupor. “The ceremony couldn’t start without you,” she said with a smile.

Mon took a hold of her dress. “Do you like it?”

Sam took Mon’s hand. “You look beautiful.” It wasn’t enough, but there weren’t enough words in the Thai language, or probably any other language on Earth, to describe what Mon looked like to Sam’s eyes. “Should we go?”

Mon nodded enthusiastically.

Sam and Mon exchanged vows in front of their friends—right after Kade’s very dramatic introduction—and put the rings they had bought together in each other’s fingers. They got to celebrate, and dance, and eat, and laugh. And Sam got to call Mon her wife.

Sam was in her room back at the palace, staring at the ring on her finger. Her connection to Mon even when they had to be apart.

There was a knock on her door, and Sam jumped to cover it when she saw Song opening it and sticking her head through the crack.

“Hi, sis,” she said with a smile. “Are you busy?”

“Yes,” grumbled Sam.

Song only laughed and entered the room, closing the door behind her.

“Let me see it,” she said, sitting beside Sam on the bed.

“What?”

Song tilted her head, and then offered her hand, waiting. “Your ring. I saw it earlier, Sam.”

Sam unwillingly uncovered her hand and let her sister take a look at her finger.

“Sam…” Song took her hand on both of hers with an open mouth. “Is this a wedding band?”

Sam eyed Song. She didn’t want her family to know, and she wondered if she could trust her. In another life, this wouldn’t have been a question, she would have run to tell her everything about it. But now…

“Yes,” she said in the end.

A huge grin spread on her sister’s face. “Who is it? Is that girl you are always on campus with? Mon?”

Sam shifted uncomfortably and hummed a confirmation.

“Sam!” cried Song as she pulled her into what would be best described as a bear hug. “That’s amazing! Congratulations!”

Sam relaxed against the hug, when she realized that Song wasn’t going to snitch on her to their grandmother, and she would support her. It had been a weird few months since Neung left, but it was nice to be able to count on her sister again.

“I wished you had told me before. I would have loved to be at the wedding,” Song said when she finally let her go.

Sam smiled. “You don’t mind?”

“Sam, you’re my kid sister. I want you to be happy, ok?”

Sam nodded, overcome with emotion.

“Can I tell you a secret too?” Song said, and she pulled out her phone. “This is Ice.”

Song showed her on the screen a picture of her with a girl. They were hugging and smiling into the camera.

“She’s my girlfriend. We have been together for three years.”

Sam opened her mouth in surprise. Song also liked girls?

“We can’t tell anyone, ok, Sam?” She was serious for a moment. “I know you want to wear that ring because it means so much to you, but you should keep it hidden. Grandmother is not going to like it if she finds out.”

“Ok…” Sam said. She didn’t want to hide Mon, but she also knew that their grandmother would not tolerate what she and Song were doing.

“We should get together one day, the four of us,” Song said now, cheering up again. “I would love to meet my sister-in-law. And I want you to meet Ice as well.”

*

The air is thick now that an awkward silence has settled between the three of them. Mon looks at Sam open mouthed. This is the first time she’s heard her talk about Song since…

Mon casts a gaze towards Nop. He is also looking down, eyes lost. He never got on with Sam, but he liked Song. It was hard for him too. Sam is quiet now, her neutral expression back on. But she has her elbows on the table with her hands joined in front of her, and Mon can see her muscles tense.

The band stops playing, and it takes them all back to the present. Mon hadn’t realized how late it is already.

“We should call it a night.” It’s Nop the first one to speak.

“Yes,” Sam says, picking up her jacket from the back of her chair and putting it over herself.

“So, who are you going to visit next?” Nop asks as they are walking back to the reception.

“We want to talk to Tee and Yuki,” Mon says, “but we don’t know where they live.”

Nop face brightens up. “Oh, I know where Tee lives. We received a message from her, asking for bookings for a client she was working with. She had given us her home address because she asked us to send her some physical brochures.”

He takes them to the back of house and into his office. He sits down at his computer and starts clicking.

“Ah, here it is,” Nop says after a few minutes. “This is her address.”

Sam rushes to look at it, but he covers the screen.

“You know, legally, I’m not allowed to give it to you.” Sam scowls, and Mon knows he’s messing with her. “Ok, I will give it to you, but you can’t say it was me, I could get in trouble.”

“My lips are sealed,” Sam says rolling her eyes. “Now let me see.”

Nop moves away and she takes up her phone to write down the address. Once she’s finished, he accompanies them to the elevators that will take them to their rooms.

“You know, it was actually nice to catch up,” Nop says. “You should get my Line ID, in case you are ever in this neck of the woods again.”

Mon takes the phone that he’s offering her and types in her ID. Then, to Mon’s surprise, and even more to Sam’s, he hands it to Sam.

“You know, in case you ever want to talk.”

Sam’s eyes are big as she takes his phone and saves her ID in it. When she hands it back, Mon can see the smile forming at the corners of her lips.

“It was nice to see you, too, Nop.”

Mon looks between the two of them. If someone had told her that morning that Sam and Nop would be exchanging numbers and being genuinely nice to each other, she would have laughed in their faces. And she wants to laugh now, but for very different reasons. This is the happiest she’s felt in a long time, but thankfully, the ding of the elevator announcing its arrival saved her from dwelling on that. 

Chapter Text

“This is me,” Mon says as they stop in front of her room door.

“Yes,” Sam says simply, standing beside her.

Mon puts her hand on the door handle but doesn’t try to open it. They look at each other. The depth of Sam’s stare makes Mon’s breath hitch.

“I should get inside,” Mon says, and her voice comes out soft, barely more than a whisper.

“Yes,” Sam replies again. She takes a step further towards Mon and it makes her tense up against the door.

Sam doesn’t say anything else, but stares at her with a longing look that Mon has learnt to recognize. She’s waiting for Mon to do something. And she knows exactly what Sam wants.

Sam wants Mon to invite her into her room, to take her to her bed. To hold her as tightly as they used to, when they used to keep each other safe, protected from harm, until it was simply not enough.

And Mon almost caves in. Tonight, after everything they talked about, she wants more than anything to take Sam into her arms, to feel her body as it relaxes against her, to run her hand across her back soothing all her pain.

“Good night,” she says instead. She taps the card against the reader and pushes the door open.

“Sweet dreams,” Sam says, and Mon closes the door between them.

As soon as she’s inside, she presses her back against the door. She can still feel Sam’s presence on the other side. They are like magnets; the strength of their attraction doesn’t know physical barriers. Her shaking hand goes to caress the side of the door, a poor substitute for Sam’s actual touch.

After a few seconds, the shadow under the door shuffles and Sam is gone.

Mon lets out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. She curses the hold that Sam still has on her and for the first time, she truly asks herself why Sam is doing this. Was it pettiness? Was she trying to win her over? Did Sam even know what she was doing? She wants to go back to her and confront her, ask her why she’s making her go through this, relive her most beautiful and painful moments. But she doesn’t trust herself not to fall for just the right words. Words she knows Sam is more than capable of.

She doesn’t bother to turn on the lights as she moves inside the moonlit bedroom. She drops her purse onto the king-size bed and laughs a little when she thinks about how she and Sam used to make the single bed they shared for so long never feel too small.

Mon takes out her phone and searches for her fiancée’s name. It’s late, but she needs to make this phone call. She moves to the balcony while she listens to the dial tone and leans over the railing.

“Hi, Zo,” Mon speaks softly, as if she thought that she was waking her up. “Sorry to call you so late, I hope you were not already asleep.”

“No, I was hoping you’d call. How did it go with your friend?”

“It was actually really nice. We had dinner together and we talked about old times and where we are now. It was… It was really nice.”

“I’m glad,” Zo says, but her tone denotes she’s not really that glad, so Mon tries to change the topic.

“You know, Ao Nang is so beautiful. And the hotel is impressive I wish you could see it. We should come to Krabi one day.”

“Are you serious, Mon? Krabi is where I suggested we went for our honeymoon, have you forgotten?”

Shit.

“Of course, yeah.” Mon can’t believe she forgot about that. Of course she would be upset that Mon came here, with Sam. “Well, I now know a beautiful hotel with a friendly manager. We might get a discount,” Mon tries to make light of the situation, but she already know she’s failed.

“So, is your crazy ex happy now?”

Mon feels a stab of pain when she says that. Sam is many things, complicated for sure. But she’s not crazy.

“Don’t call her that.”

“No? What would you call what she’s doing, dragging you across the country to void a marriage that wasn’t legal in the first place.”

Mon doesn’t know how to reply but she’s getting upset and doesn’t want to argue with Zo.

“It’s almost over, anyway. We’re going back to Bangkok tomorrow.”

“Give me the time of your flight, I’ll pick you up.”

“No, uhm… we actually got the address of someone else. We’ll go visit her first.”

Mon can hear her huffing from the other side.

“Very well. Have a good night, Mon.”

“Good night,” Mon says, but Zo has already hung up.

She goes back into the room and throws the phone and then herself on the bed.

What is happening to her? Is she really risking her relationship with Zo for this?

But she can admit it to herself now, she doesn’t want to stop. For whatever reason, she needs to finish what they started.

Chapter Text

The next morning, Sam and Mon have breakfast together in the restaurant. It seems like, after the previous night, the air between them has cleared, and they are able to talk and joke around like they used to. Mon listens to Sam as she describes working at Diversity, her plans for expansion, the latest publicity deals she has closed. She notices the glint in her eye while she talks about the hard work that she’s put into it. However, it does make Mon sad to hear that her company is her only source of happiness. Sam deserves to have many sources of happiness. Sam deserves to be happy all the time.

Throughout the meal, and even though it is a breakfast buffet, Sam takes it upon herself to get things for Mon and drop them on her plate. Mon accepts them with a smile, and feeds Sam some of her food for her to try, too.

Before they leave, Mon finds Nop to give him one last goodbye (and sneak in a hug too). They promise that they will see each other soon, and Mon leaves with her heart feeling lighter.

The taxi ride to the airport is the same one they did when they came in, but Sam and Mon are not. While Mon looks out the window, she is thinking that yes, she was married. She was in love. And she deserves to remember the most important time of her life.

Mon turns to Sam, who is looking at her with a smile, and she allows her to hold her hands in the seat between them.

Back in Bangkok, Sam drives them to the address that Nop gave them. Unsurprisingly, it is also a magnificent house in a nice neighborhood. The front gate is open, though, so they walk up to the door and ring the doorbell.

A handsome woman appears moments later. She’s tall, with a couple of inches long hair, but with a boyish cute face. Tee looks just as Mon remembers her.

Tee’s face shows an astonished look as she registers their presence. She seems to think several times what to say to the surprise visit. Finally, she leans on the doorframe with her arms crossed and an easy smile.

“This is unexpected. I guess you being here is not a random coincidence?”

“We came to see you,” says Sam. “Nop gave us your address. Can we come in?”

“Khun Sam!” mutters Mon under her breath. She can’t believe that it has taken Sam less than 24 hours to betray her friend.

“Nop?” Tee exclaims in surprise, but she still looks amused. “That’s a name I haven’t heard in a long time. How did he know where I live?”

“He’s the manager at a hotel you once sent an email to,” clarifies Mon.

Tee chuckles. “And he never thought to reach out? I’m hurt.” She makes an exaggerated gesture. “But sure, come in!”

Tee steps aside to let them inside.

They start walking across the reception room when Mon sees something that makes her stop in her tracks. There is a photo on the wall, around the size of a medium portrait. It’s Tee and Yuki together. Tee has her arm around Yuki’s middle and is wearing a fine white suit, while Yuki is wearing a white dress.

“Is this…?” Mon mutters to herself.

“Ah, this is our wedding picture. We look nice, don’t we?”

Mon stares at Tee. She’s looking fondly at the photo in front of her, with love in her eyes.

“When did you get together?”

Tee looks at Mon and laughs. “Ages ago! We got together shortly after you two started fooling around, but everyone was so engrossed by your drama that we just simply faded into the background.” Tee chuckles and says, almost to herself. “It’s like someone cropped us out of your story.”

Mon shakes her head, suddenly feeling guilty that she missed all that. She looks at Sam and she shrugs. She also had no idea.

“If you stay for a bit, you will see her, too. She’s out on an assignment, and it seems to be taking longer than usual.”

Mon feels a pang of nervousness when she hears that. She hasn’t thought how she’s going to face Yuki after so long. She wonders if there is any possibility that they could resume their friendship.

The three of them move towards a large sitting room. It’s nicely decorated, with sofas, a coffee table, and even a fireplace with a huge TV set above.

“So, to what do we owe the visit?” Tee takes a seat on a sofa, and Mon and Sam sit in front of her.

“We came to inform you that Mon and I have officially split up and no longer want to be married,” Sam says, in her usual matter-of-fact way.

Tee raises an eyebrow. “Married?”

Sam hums. “Yes, you were a witness at our wedding.” Tee nods. “Mon wants to get married to someone else and we need to void our marriage so she can proceed.”

“Sam,” Tee says, with the same tone you would use with a child. “You do realize that that marriage wasn’t legally valid. You don’t need to do anything.”

Sam sits up straight. “It was valid to us. That’s why we had witnesses. We have already talked to Jim and Nop.”

Tee looks at Mon, but Mon’s face stays impassive. She doesn’t feel like mocking Sam. Sure, the process was unorthodox, but their wedding was real for her—it was real for Mon, too—, and it deserves to be given the respect it deserves, even as it ends. It is a testament to how much it mattered to them.

Tee seems to pick up on Mon’s attitude and grows more serious.

“I’m sorry to hear you are separating for good, to be honest,” Tee says. “When I saw you standing outside, I actually hoped it meant you came as a couple.”

Mon and Sam sneaked a shy glance towards each other.

“It was unfair the way things happened,” she continues. “I always had faith that you could make it work in the end, you were so perfect for each other. But I guess that some things are too much even for the strongest couples.”

Mon has to agree. They did seem invincible, until they weren’t.

*

Seasons pass, that’s a fact of life. A winter always follows a summer. But with a summer as warm and beautiful as the one they just had, they couldn’t have possibly imagined how harsh their winter would be.

They were having a typical afternoon. Mon was lying on her stomach on the bed, writing an assignment on her laptop, while Sam was on her back next to her, revising her notes for an exam.

Sam’s dorm room had become a bit like their newlywed’s house. Mon had hesitated at first, but at Sam’s insistence, she had made her mark on the small apartment, leaving traces of pink mixed in with Sam’s black and grey. They now spent almost every night together there, with brief visits to their families every now and then.

They were living in a suspended honeymoon period where it seemed like nothing outside those four walls could hurt them. It felt almost unnatural to Mon to be that happy. As if they were somehow cheating the gods of life and death, refusing to be sad in a world that could be so cruel.

If Mon could have stopped time, she would have done so right there, in that moment, before that phone call.

“What happened?” Sam said with a concerned voice. She had stood up as soon as she saw the name of the phone and, even though Mon didn’t get to see it, she knew that the only person who could make her so tense before even saying a word was her grandmother.

As she listened to the faint unintelligible words coming from Sam’s phone, Mon could see her wife’s eyes growing wide, her face contorted with worry.

“Ok, I’ll be there soon,” Sam said, defeated.

She hung up the phone and started changing her clothes. Mon waited for Sam to tell her what the phone call was about, but she didn’t say anything as she got dressed.

“Where are you going?” Mon asked eventually.

“Home.”

That was all Sam said. Mon understood she didn’t mean to be brusque. Whatever that phone call was about, it had an effect on her.

Mon got up and held her arm, forcing Sam to face her. “Did something bad happen?”

Sam stared at her with apprehension. “Grandmother wants me to go back home.”

“Why?”

Sam didn’t reply. She put on her shoes and opened the door. Right before she left, she seemed to think it better. She turned around and softly cupped Mon’s face in her hands and gave her a short kiss on the lips.

Then she left without another word.

Mon didn’t hear back from her until two days later.

She was still staying in Sam’s dorm room when Sam came in in a rush. Without sparing a glance, she opened the wardrobe and started taking some clothes and shoving them on a backpack.

“Khun Sam?” called Mon from behind her.

Sam jolted and looked back at her in surprise. She let the bag in her hand drop, avoiding her eyes. “Mon…”

Mon moved closer, and took Sam’s hands in hers, searching her eyes. “Khun Sam? What happened? You haven’t been answering the phone. I was worried.”

Sam lifted her gaze, and Mon found it full of sorrow. “I’m sorry, Mon. I… I just came to get some clothes. I need to go back now.”

Mon felt desperate, she needed to know what was going on. She held Sam’s head and pleaded with her. “Khun Sam, please. Tell me what happened.”

A tear ran down the side of Sam’s face. “It’s Song. Grandmother found out about Ice and her.”

Mon’s eyes snapped open as the gravity of the situation dawned on her.

They hadn’t talked much about Sam’s family situation. She had always avoided the topic, and the only thing she knew was that her grandmother was very strict with her. She could imagine that she would not be happy to hear one of her granddaughters was dating a commoner, much less a woman.

“How did she take it?” she asked. Her voice had become thin.

Sam shook her head and removed Mon’s hands from her. She sniffled, wiping the tears from her face.

“She has locked Song in the house. She doesn’t want her to meet with Ice, so she doesn’t allow her to go out. She’s even put security to make sure she couldn’t sneak out.”

Mon stared at her in shock. That was horrible.

“Grandmother has asked me to talk to her every day to convince her to break up with Ice, and to tell her that…” Sam paused, covering her eyes, “that that ‘lifestyle’ is wrong.”

Sam’s tears flowed freely now, and Mon put her arms around her, bringing their bodies flushed against each other, trying to bring her some comfort. Sam dropped her head on her shoulder, crying and shivering.

They stood like this for a long while. Mon didn’t try to talk, knowing that Sam would need time to let go of all the pent-up tension. She just moved her hand across her back and pressed soft kisses on her cheek while she cried.

Eventually, they found themselves on the bed. Sam’s eyes were red and tired from crying.

“I tried defending her to Grandmother, you know?” Sam’s voice sounded strained. “But I am scared that she will not allow me to talk to her anymore. I’m the only one she has now, Mon.” Sam looked at her as if asking for forgiveness.

“You are doing good, my love.” Mon caressed the top of Sam’s head, brushing her hair.

“I was able to sneak out a letter from Song to Ice yesterday. I went to see her. She’s…” Sam closed her eyes. Mon didn’t need to hear the rest. She could imagine. She squeezed Sam’s shoulder softly in acknowledgement.

They were both aware of the unsaid words hanging between them. How what was happening to Song could be happening to them. The fear that they would also get separated and suffer the same fate.

It felt wrong to think such selfish thoughts when Sam’s sister and her girlfriend were going through hell with no end in sight, and neither mentioned it.

“I’m bringing Ice’s reply to her today.”

“Be careful,” Mon said. Don’t get caught, she meant. Don’t let her get you away from me too.

Mon visited Ice in her apartment that night and brought some food. She wasn’t sure what was the protocol for a case like this, or what dish conveyed “I’m sorry your girlfriend is being held captive by her evil grandmother.” She tried to think what she would want if she were in that situation, something that was so terribly easy to imagine, and brought some soup and words of consolation.

Ice had clearly been hoping to see someone else when she opened the door, but she smiled weakly at Mon and let her in.

“I worry about her,” Ice said, holding Song’s letter in her hand. “Neung was always the strong sister, but when she left, all the pressure fell on Song. I was there to support her, but now,” Ice started to sob, “I’m not sure how long she’s going to be able to endure this.” Mon wrapped her arm around her shoulders, and Ice rested her head on her. “Sam tells me she doesn’t leave her room. She’s so stubborn, she won’t accept breaking up, but I sometimes wonder if she wouldn’t be better off without me.”

Mon shook her head. She shuffled her position to be able to look at Ice in the eye. “Don’t say that. You are Song’s happiness. She needs you,” Mon said, but inside, she couldn’t help wondering the same thing. Maybe her presence in Sam’s life would end up hurting her more in the end. The thought weighed heavily on her chest.

Ice nodded, and hugged Mon, sobbing into her chest. “I don’t know what to do, Mon. I just love her so much.”

Mon caressed her arm softly and whispered, “It will be ok. You will figure it out.”

Sam came back to campus the following week.

Mon had taken upon herself to inform their friends of the situation, as they would surely become suspicious when they didn’t see the girls, and she wanted to spare Sam and Ice the pain of having to explain.

So, when they saw Sam back at university, they were quick to offer words of support and to help in whichever way was possible. Mon saw that their good meaning friends were overwhelming her and took her aside.

They sat quietly for a while on a bench in front of the main building. Mon put her hand on top of Sam’s but she swatted it away.

“Not here.”

Mon felt hurt, but she understood.

“Grandmother wants to marry her off,” Sam said suddenly. “She’s already chosen a man for her.”

“She can’t do that,” Mon said, incredulously.

Sam shook her head. “She cried all night. I don’t know what to do.”

She was wearing her practiced neutral expression, but she couldn’t keep the hurt from her eyes.

“I said I’d help her get away, but she’s scared. She’s not like Neung.”

Mon wanted to hug her, but she remembered how Sam had rebuffed her previous contact and remained still. The two of them sat there, close but not touching, for a long time, without exchanging another word.

Mon received the call a few weeks later.

“Mon…” said Sam’s shaky voice. “Mon I’m in the hospital.”

Mon jumped up at the words. “What happened? Are you ok? I’ll go now.”

“It’s Song, Mon.” Sam was sobbing. “I found her… I found her in her room. We took her to the hospital, but we don’t know… She was unconscious. She tried…”

Mon covered her mouth to stifle a cry.

“I’m scared, Mon.”

*

Mon stops talking suddenly, too taken by the memory. Tee looks at Sam uncomfortably and tries to diffuse the tension.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have brought this up. We can talk about something else.”

Sam is looking down at her hands interlaced on her lap, her jaw set.

“It’s ok.” Sam says, barely looking up. “I can talk about it now.”

Mon and Tee stare at her. “Are you sure?” Tee asks softly.

Sam inhales deeply. “I’m sure.”

*

“Only one person can go in at a time.”

Sam didn’t wait to discuss it with her grandmother before pushing past the doctor and into the ICU room.

Song was lying in the hospital bed, thin and sick, but not really that much thinner and sicker than she had seen her in the past few weeks. She had been dying and withering for a long time, Sam thought as she took in the sight of her sister, and she hadn’t done anything about it.

Sam approached the side of the bed and sat on the visitor chair. Song’s lips had lost her color, they were parched and broken. She had an impulse to put some lip balm on them, make her sister more comfortable. Before she could do that, though, Song opened her eyes, just a slit, and stared at her sister.

“Sam,” Song’s voice came out raspy and forced.

Sam didn’t know what to do. She just put her hand on Song’s feeble arm.

“I’m sorry, Sam, I can’t take it anymore.” A tear started falling down the side of her face.

“It’s ok,” Sam said, desperate to come up with something to make her sister feel better. “We’ll figure out something when you get better.”

“I’m not going to get better, Sam. I don’t want to.”

“No,” Sam choked out and squeezed her sister’s arm.

“Please, tell Ice what happened to me. Nobody else will.”

“Song, please…”

“Please, tell her. She knows how much I loved her. I’m freeing her from me.” Song’s voice came more forced each time, as if she didn’t have enough air in her lungs.

“Song…” Sam pleaded one more time.

“Will you…”

Song didn’t finish that sentence. She flatlined and the doctors barged into the room and started the resuscitation procedures. Sam stood in a corner of the room. Moments later, they pronounced her dead.

Sam looked over where Song’s body lied, lifeless, but her sister was no longer with her.

Next thing she knew, she was parked in front of Ice’s condo building. She didn’t even remember driving there. Numb and unaware of her surroundings, like a sleepwalker, she made her way inside and knocked on the door of her flat.

“Sam!” Ice wrapped her arms around Sam as soon as she opened the door. “Do you have news about Song? Did you give her my letter?”

Sam didn’t respond to the embrace, or to the question. She just stood still until Ice moved away.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to do that,” Ice said, “please come in. Can I get you some water?”

Sam entered the apartment, barely taking account of her surroundings.

“Sam,” Ice looked at her, growing more worried. “Is everything alright? Is Song ok?”

“Song is dead.” Sam said the words, completely detached from them. As if she was reading a weather report.

Ice looked at her with open eyes and a maddening expression. “No!” she screamed. “No! Song can’t be dead. It has to be a mistake!”

“Song tried to kill herself,” Sam said, but she felt like a puppet, saying someone else’s words. “We took her to the hospital, but she died an hour ago.”

“No!” Ice screamed again, her eyes welling up. She fell to her knees tugging at Sam’s trousers. “Please, that can’t be true, she can’t be gone. Please.”

Sam stood there motionless. She wanted to do something, say something, but it was like she wasn’t in control of her own body.

Ice dropped down to the floor, crying. “It should have been me! Not her. I wish it was me.”

A sudden flash passed by Sam’s eyes in that moment. On the floor, she saw Mon where Ice was, crying and wishing she was dead. She took two steps back in shock.

“I have to go,” she said in that monotonous voice that wasn’t hers.

Then she turned around leaving Ice inconsolable crying on the floor.

They held the funeral the next day. Sam insisted she didn’t want Mon to come with her.

There weren’t many people there for Song—only Sam and her grandmother. There were also lots of other people, distant relatives and acquaintances, but Sam was sure Song wouldn’t have been able to name most of them. It was only her and Grandmother that truly knew her.

Grandmother told Sam that she had made arrangements to make sure Ice couldn’t come close to the funeral. That woman, she said, was responsible for Song’s death. Sam wanted to feel something when she heard her talk like that, but it didn’t make it to the surface, so she just nodded along.

During the funeral, Grandmother didn’t tell anyone Song’s real cause of death. She told everyone that it was a sudden illness. For appearances, she said. It would hurt Sam’s marriage prospects if everyone knew the truth, and they would regret it in the future. Sam also wanted to feel something, she knew that she should be enraged, but she was only apathetic. So, she just listened quietly, eyes dry, as her grandmother informed their distant acquaintances about Song’s fake illness that took her away way too soon.

Sam went back to sleeping in her dorm a few days a week. Mon slept beside her, but Sam always turned her back on her.

Mon tried to be there for her, patiently asking her how she was, trying to get something out of her, but Sam remained stoic and refused to talk about Song.

Sometimes, when she looked at Mon, she would see flashes of her lying on the floor crying, as vivid as if it was a memory. She would then push her away and leave her confused about what she had done. This kept happening more and more often, but she couldn’t explain to Mon what she was feeling.

Sam’s friends tried to talk to her to no avail. Like Mon, she started pulling away, avoiding their questions. Then stopped meeting with them altogether, until she was also ignoring their calls and messages.

“Khun Sam, should we go out for dinner?” Mon asked one night.

Despite Sam mostly ignoring her, Mon had stayed by her side, hoping that she would eventually open up. She had been so patient with Sam, but the sight of her reminded her of Ice, and reminded her of Song.

Sam had wanted to talk to her, to explain what she was feeling, but the shell that had grown around her on the wake of her sister’s death was stronger than ever, and not even Mon—specially not Mon—could go through it this time.

“Khun Sam?” Mon insisted.

Sam shook her head slightly. “No, you go.”

“We can also order something. We don’t need to go out.”

There was a pause. Then, “No.”

“I can cook,” she said, moving towards the fridge in the small kitchen of the dorm. “I think we have—”

“No,” Sam said again. “You go.” Mon stared at her, eyes glossy. “I’m not hungry.”

She didn’t leave. Instead, she took a seat beside her. Using both her hands, she softly turned Sam’s head towards her.

Sam saw again the image of Ice crying, and the irrational need to push Mon away came back.

“Khun Sam,” Mon said with pleading eyes. “Please, tell me, what do you need?”

“I need you to leave.” Sam said.

Tears escaped Mon’s eyes, but she nodded and left the room.

Eventually, she took all her things and stopped coming back.

Sam spent long days in the dorm room without talking to anyone. She took her classes and studied on her own, and sat her exams, but avoided everyone.

One day, she saw the notification on Facebook. Mon was leaving for England. Her first impulse was to call Mon, ask her to stay. Sam’s thumb hovered over her number for several minutes. Eventually, the numbness that she felt inside won out, and gave up.

And Sam waited. And waited. When the time came and Mon was no longer in Thailand, she finally cried for the first time since Song died.

*

Sam looks outwardly calm, but Mon sees the trace of a tear running down her face.

Mon’s head is spinning thinking about what Sam just said. After all these years, she finally has an explanation for Sam’s behavior, and she doesn’t know how to feel about it.

A sound comes from the front door, and it makes the three of them stand up suddenly. Mon notices from the corner of her eye how Sam quickly wipes away the stray tear, her expression back to her usual composed appearance.

Tee dashes out of the room towards the entrance, and from there Mon can hear the unmistakable voice of Yuki.

“We had a surprise visit,” Tee is saying to her wife.

“Really? Who is it?” Yuki says, just as she steps into the reception room.

Mon doesn’t know what to do. She holds her hands in front of her, her gaze slightly lowered.

“Mon?”

Mon goes to do a polite salute, but she’s stopped by a strong hug. She quickly reciprocates, holding her best friend.

“Oh my God, Mon,” Yuki screams against her shoulder. “What are you doing here?”

“Well—” Mon starts to say, but Yuki pulls apart and looks behind her towards the spot where Sam is standing.

“Khun Sam?”

Sam puts her hands together and bows slightly. “Hi, Yuki.”

Yuki returns the salute, looking astonished between the two visitors.

“You won’t believe what they came here for,” Tee says.

This time, it’s Mon who explains. “We are visiting the witnesses to our wedding. To inform them of our split, so we can annul it.”

Yuki’s face falls.

“Oh.” Mon notices the disappointment in her eyes. “I can’t do this today,” she says after a beat. “After the day I had, I’m not in the mood for divorces. Let’s leave it for tomorrow. What do you say, you stay with us tonight?”

Mon stares back at Sam, who is looking at her, as if waiting for her to decide.

“Don’t worry about the clothes, you can borrow some,” insists Yuki.

“We actually have our luggage in the car,” Mon says. “We come from seeing Nop in Krabi.”

“Nop?! How is he? I haven’t seen him in ages. Now you have to stay, we have a lot to catch up on. We’ll talk about the wedding annulment tomorrow.” Yuki takes Mon’s hand and pulls her. “Come on, Mon, I’ll show you where you’ll sleep. Tee, honey, can you show Sam?”

Tee and Yuki install them in two guest rooms, and then they all have dinner together. It’s surprisingly easy to fall back into conversation with them. Mon tells them all about Nop and Jim, and the couple also bring Mon and Sam up to speed on their lives. As it happens, Tee has also founded her own company, and Yuki is working there. However, Yuki works very hard in her position because she doesn’t want to be seen as Tee’s “trophy wife.”

It’s not like seven years have passed since the four friends last saw each other. Even Sam manages to chuckle a couple of times during their dinner. They talk and they laugh and they joke, and when Sam’s hand brushes Mon’s, it’s easy for her to pretend that no time has passed. That Sam is still hers and that they were as invincible as they once believed themselves to be.

Chapter Text

Once she is alone in the bedroom, Mon finally collapses.

She was able to distract herself during the dinner and conversation with her friends, but now, alone with her thoughts, the image of Sam grieving without being able to ask for help thumps in her head like a hammer.

Did she give up too easily on her, Mon thinks. Was there something more that she could have done to help Sam?

She remembers those days, when Sam had been so cruel to her, but the memory of what they had had kept her going until it had seemed clear that Sam just didn’t love her anymore. Mon clenches her jaw and shuts her eyes, trying to avoid crying at the thought of Sam traumatized by her sister’s death and seeing Ice brokenhearted every time she looked at her.

Mon knows, deep down, that she did everything she could until the pain of Sam’s coldness was too much to bear, but she can’t help feeling the guilt of abandoning her when she needed her the most.

She hears a buzzing from her phone and pulls it out of her pocket to look at the screen. She snaps back into reality when she reads Zo’s name. She had forgotten to tell her that she was staying over. Mon looks quickly at the time and realizes that it is already quite late.

Mon picks up on the fourth ring and isn’t surprised when her own voice comes out tired.

“Hi, Zo.”

“Mon? What happened? I thought you were coming back today.”

Mon exhales. She knows she’s fucked up, but she isn’t in the mood for another fight.

“I was, but then I met Yuki here, you know, my best friend from school. Turns out she’s married to Tee.” Mon chuckles, but Zo only hums unenthusiastically. “She asked me to stay over tonight so we could catch up. I should have called you earlier, I’m sorry.”

“Were you going to call at all?” There is a pause. Mon can’t answer because the truth is that she had completely forgotten. “You sound tired,” Zo adds eventually.

“Yes,” Mon admits. “It’s just been… intense.”

“Intense how?”

Mon covers her face with her free hand. How could she explain it to her?

“Mon?”

“I don’t know. The trip…it has dredged up a lot of memories, that’s all.”

Another pause. “I see.”

Mon knows the implications of the conversation they are having, and knows that Zo is hoping for some reassurance, but her head and her heart are full of conflicting emotions tonight and she can’t bear any more guilt than she’s already feeling, so she decides to end it there.

“I’ll spend the morning with Tee and Yuki, but I’ll come home tomorrow,” she says, mustering just enough energy to sound affectionate. “I’ll see you then, ok?”

Mon hears a sigh coming from the other end. “Yes. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

*

After Yuki and Mon go to bed, Sam and Tee stay behind to have one last glass of wine. Sam isn’t feeling particularly tired, and she knows it will be mostly a sleepless night anyway.  

At first, they talk mainly about business. After realizing that Tee’s company also works in publicity and marketing, they are quick to consider a possible collaboration in the future. Tee is more focused in the audiovisual medium, and has done several TV advertisements, but Sam has many connections with model agencies and foreign investors, so both companies could end up benefiting from a partnership.

Sam knows, however, that Tee wants to talk to her about something else, so she isn’t surprised when, after the previous conversation runs out, she asks:

“Sam, why are you doing this?”

Sam gets up from where she was sitting and moves to the window. She isn’t avoiding the question, not really. But it’s hard for her to talk about it. Possibly, because she doesn’t have an answer herself. When she saw that Mon was back in Thailand, and that she was getting married, something happened to her. She found her address and didn’t think twice before leaving Diversity and coming over to her.

Even after all that time, she had never stopped thinking about Mon as her wife. She was aware that it wasn’t real to the outside world, but she had given her heart to her, and never claimed it back. There had never been a moment when she considered falling in love with anyone else. She knew that wasn’t possible.

Sam isn’t sure what she expected when she showed up threatening to sue Mon for bigamy. It was maybe a dumb desperate move. It’s not like she thought that she could win her back, realistically. But maybe, have some more time with her. Closure. An epilogue to their story.

“Sam, I know it must be hard to accept,” Tee says, after Sam has been silent for a while, “but Mon has moved on now, she has a fiancée and a chance to be happy. It’s unfair for you to come into her life like this now. You need to let her go.”

Unfair. Sam almost wants to laugh. If Tee knew just how much she had suffered, the pain she lives with every day since Mon left, she’d be the one she thought deserving of pity. She could say that time heals, but it’s been seven years, and the wound is as deep, and bleeds just as much as it did before.

It only started healing these days. Seeing Mon again, talking to her, making her laugh. It was like breathing air that she had been deprived of for so long.

When Sam looks at Tee, she can see her judging her, in her kind but firm way. Mon deserves to be happy, that is true. She can’t stand the thought of going back to a life without Mon, to the pain she had become numb to. Without her, it’s hard to picture another day of happiness in her life.

But she was ready to give it up for Mon’s own.

“After this,” Sam says, keeping her voice steady in sharp contrast to the whirlwind of emotion inside her, “I will leave Mon alone.” 

And just by saying those words, she can feel the wound opening again, tearing her inside as she bleeds.

Chapter Text

“Good morning, Khun Sam.”

Yuki appears in the kitchen and startles Sam who has been nursing a cup of coffee for the last half an hour. She was the first one to get up, but that is usual for her. She never sleeps more than a few hours.

“I see you already have a coffee. Mind if I join you?”

Sam smiles. She really appreciates Yuki. She was always nice to her. “Please,” Sam waves her hand offering the seat in front of her.

“I hope you were comfortable last night,” Yuki says when she sits with her own drink. “It may have been a lot.”

Sam shakes her head. “No, it was fine. I really enjoyed last night. It makes a change.”

Yuki eyes her, like she’s trying to guess the meaning behind those words and Sam feels suddenly shy, exposed. It’s a feeling she hasn’t gotten used to. She’s trying to do better, but she has had little opportunity in the last few years.

“It must have been difficult for you, all these years.”

It’s not a question, and she doesn’t seem to expect an answer. Sam appreciates it.

“I know everybody thinks going through all this to annul our marriage is dumb but—”

“It’s not.” Sam looks at her in surprise. “It’s not, Khun Sam. Your marriage was real for you. I was there. I was a witness, remember? I know what it felt like.” Sam’s chest tightens. This is the first time anyone acknowledges it. “You know, I also had a symbolic wedding with Tee before it was legalized and we could make it official, and I would have killed anyone who told me Tee wasn’t really my wife.”

Sam nods and looks back down at her coffee.

“It was hard,” she says, responding to Yuki’s earlier comment. Yuki doesn’t say anything, only waits. “After Song…I was all alone to deal with Grandmother. And I didn’t believe I deserved anything else. I just kept thinking, why am I alive and she’s not when I committed the same sin?”

Yuki shakes her head. “No, Khun Sam, you didn’t commit any sins. Your grandmother was the one who failed all of you.”

Sam sighs. “I know. It took me a long time to see it.”

*

After Mon left, Sam couldn’t stand being in the same places she had shared with her. She wanted to get away from everything and everyone. She transferred universities for the last year and moved into a new dorm room. She took the ring from her finger and put it in a locket on her keychain. Away from view, but still close to her.

With time, although the weight in her heart didn’t ease, she got better at ignoring it.

It was at this university that she met Kirk, a fellow student, and also the son of one of her grandmother’s acquaintances. He came from a wealthy and well-established family, so she encouraged Sam to foster this relationship, no doubt expecting it to end in marriage. Sam never considered this prospect—in her mind, she was already married—but, as always, she felt too tired and numb to argue about it and instead ignored her and nodded at the right times like a puppet.

On the other hand, she did enjoy Kirk’s companionship. He was a funny and handsome man, who had a more than an obvious crush on her, encouraged by Sam’s grandmother, but he wasn’t pushy and respected her. Although Sam didn’t turn him down, she didn’t accept any kind of romantic relationship either.

They did share a passion for business. In him, Sam found the perfect partner to start her own company after they graduated. It had always been her dream, and she finally found something to pour all her thoughts and energy into.

They worked day and night, drafting business proposals, talking to banks, putting their name out there for potential clients. Their high status meant they were well connected, which was an advantage when they first started. They were capable of getting a lot of work in their first year and soon they found themselves in need of an office.

It was early morning. They had just finished furnishing the private offices and were waiting for a delivery of IT equipment for the desks. Their employees wouldn’t move into the building for a week, but Sam was anxious to utilize her new space, so she had been to the office a few days already, arriving as usual a couple of hours before the official start of the day.

She opened the door, which already had a sign that read “Samanun Anuntrakul – Chief Executive Officer.” She set her designer bag on the table and sat on the new chair. Everything still smelled like new. She went to open the top drawer to leave a file she had brought with her, but it was stuck. She pulled several times until she remembered that they came with a key for privacy.

As Sam took out the keys from her pocket, she heard a soft clink and then a thud against the carpet. The locket she had kept on her key ring was now on the floor, and it was open. And next to it, shining brightly against the gray carpet, a golden ring.

Slowly, as if it were a wild animal that would run away if she made any sudden movements, she kneeled down and picked it up between her thumb and index finger. She stood like that, looking at it for a long moment, staring at the small “M & S” written inside, and only noticed she was crying when one of the tears dropped onto her sleeve.

Sam wiped her tears with trembling hands, and then she realized that she couldn’t breathe. She curled up on the floor, clutching the ring so hard that its sharp edges hurt the palm of her hand. She was crying uncontrollably now, with her head buried in her arms, gasping for air.

She didn’t know how long she spent like this, but all of a sudden, Kirk was next to her, one hand on her shoulder shaking her.

“Sam! Sam!” he called out. “What’s wrong Sam?”

Sam lifted her head, and only one thought occurred to her.

“I can’t marry you, Kirk,” she gasped out.

Kirk looked at her in surprise. “Wh—That’s— That’s ok,” he mumbled out. He briefly removed the hand he had on her shoulder, before putting it back, softly. “We don’t have to, Sam. It’s ok.”

He looked genuinely scared.

Sam slowly opened the hand that was holding the ring, showing it to him. “I’m already married,” she whispered.

Kirk looked at the ring and then back at her. “Oh…”

At the sight of the ring, Sam felt again like she couldn’t breathe, and started gasping.

“Shhh… It’s ok,” said Kirk, pressing her arm to her shoulder and placing the other one to the side of her face. He sat down next to her and he gently pulled her to lean on him.

Sam didn’t tell Kirk the whole story that day, but the episodes repeated from this day onwards, and Kirk was always there to console her. And every time, she would open up to him a little more. He didn’t say a lot, he just listened as, over the months, she told him about Mon, about Song and Ice, about their grandmother.

Also, she didn’t hide the ring in a box anymore. She took it with her wherever she went. She put it inside the pocket of her trousers, or jacket. From time to time, she would wrap her hand around it and press it, grounding herself. Remembering.

“Sam,” Kirk called out. He was sitting in front of her. He had come to her office a few minutes before, but when he said that he wanted to talk to her about her personal issues, she went mute and proceeded to ignore him, pretending she was working on the computer.

It was a really uncomfortable situation for Sam. She had opened up to Kirk, but she had only done so during her lowest moments. And she had to admit, Kirk made her feel safe and she trusted him. But outside of those moments, talking about herself, and her feelings, was still impossible for her.

“Sam, you can’t go on like this.”

That was all Sam needed to hear. Of course, Kirk would eventually get tired of her and tell her to stop bothering him. She turned to face him with a neutral expression.

“Don’t worry, Kirk, I won’t be bothering you anymore. I don’t need you to take care of me.”

“Sam,” he said, his body moving forward towards her, “Sam, you know that’s not what I mean. I’m happy to listen to you and I’ll always be there for you. But I can’t do anything to help you. You need to talk to someone who can.”

Sam raised an eyebrow.

“What do you mean?”

“Look,” he took a card from his chest pocket and put it on top of Sam’s desk, slowly pushing it towards her with one finger. “A friend of mine recommended her.”

Sam looked at the card on the desk, but she didn’t move to take it.

“Sam,” Kirk said, his voice was soft, almost pleading. “I want you to get better. Seeing you suffering like this…It breaks my heart, Sam.”

Kirk stared at her for a long moment, but she kept a disinterested look. Eventually, he shook his head and left the room.

When Kirk was out of her office, Sam put one hand on her pocket, shutting her eyes as she squeezed the ring tightly, and then she reached for the card on the table. She gulped, and nodded to herself. Then she put it inside her purse.

The first session with her therapist was more of a staring contest. But she was patient, more patient than Sam had ever expected anyone to be with her, and she managed to get her talking. She thought she would talk about Mon, but her therapist made her talk about her childhood. She asked her questions about her parents, and her sisters, and her school friends. And, eventually, she talked about her grandmother. She had managed to contain the tears every session, but when she started talking about her life with Grandmother after her parents’ passing, all the tears started to flow. She remembered how strict she had been, when she and her sisters had been used to the relative freedom that their parents had granted them. She had put pressure on them to behave “ladylike” and the proper way to behave with the strangers that frequently visited her grandmother. She would often scold them and remind them of their positions, and even at that young age, she often told them how as women their duty was to marry well and have children.

Nueng, her oldest sister, had the worst part. Grandmother disagreed with her passion for painting and took all her utensils away. As she grew older, she forced Nueng into a university degree that she disliked and burned the paintings she had made behind her back. In the end, everything was too much for her and left.

Sam had hated Nueng for it, but she was now starting to see that she needed to save herself. Just like Sam needed to save herself now.

Sam was attending a social gathering at Grandmother’s. By now, she had been attending therapy for a year and a half and she was learning how to be herself, or rather, unlearning the things that Grandmother had instilled in her since she was a child. As a result, she had become more and more distant to her elder, one part of her wanting to break free, the other, too scared of confronting the authority figure who had controlled her life for so long.

But her grandmother still managed to reel her in, and that’s how Sam found herself that afternoon at the palace, surrounded by distant family members she hardly knew. Sam managed to play the part for an entire afternoon. All of the guests except one had left. Sam was getting ready to see off Khun Phum, his cousin, one of the few people in her distant family she actually respected, when he suddenly seemed to remember something.

“Grandmother, if you don’t mind me asking,” he said, turning to the elder, “what was Song illness? I know it has been a few years, but I was discussing it with a doctor friend of mine, and he said that he has seen similar cases and if the doctors didn’t detect anything you might be liable to sue them.”

Sam’s blood ran cold in that moment. No one had brought up her sister’s death in a long time. Shortly after her passing, everyone seemed to skirt around the topic, or act as if she had never existed. As much as that hurt her, hearing again the lie that Grandmother had told everyone was bringing up emotions that were once muted, and now made their way to the surface.

Grandmother kept talking, enveloping her malignant lie in a shroud of nonsense, avoiding Khun Phum’s cousin question, and asking among sighs to let the past be in the past. Khun Phum excused himself flustered and left the two of them alone.

Sam felt a surge of rage, remembering the last weeks of her sister life, how miserable she had been. How she had grown weaker and weaker until she had seen no way other way out than to take her own life.

“Song didn’t have an illness,” Sam said, her voice chocked. “She killed herself.”

Grandmother turned to look at her, her eyes wide.

“What did you say?”

Sam swallowed a lump in her throat and repeated clearer this time.

“Song killed herself. Because you made her life so miserable, that she lost her will to live. You were her illness.”

“How dare you say this?” Grandmother said in a menacing tone. “I didn’t do anything except trying to save her from that woman. Song would have lived a happy life if she had never crossed her path. That woman is the one responsible for your sister’s death!”

The words of her grandmother reverberated in the great hall of the palace, making their way into Sam’s ears and into her chest. And then, the dam broke. It just broke. Flashes of Ice crying on the floor, and the ones of Mon that only ever existed in her head, but that were vivid as a memory, started passing through her eyes.

“Ice loved Song!” Sam was shaking but her voice was strong and steady. “She made Song feel safe and loved. She made her happier than she could ever think possible. And you took her away from her!”

Her grandmother tried to interrupt her, but she wasn’t done.

“You killed Song, you killed your own granddaughter. And from now on, to anyone who asks I will tell her the truth: that Song killed herself because you couldn’t accept that she was in love with another woman.”

Next thing she felt was a strong slap on her face. But it didn’t hurt. It was as if she had just woken up. Everything was clearer, the world had more color, the sounds were sharper. She looked down at her grandmother who had ire in her eyes, and she knew what she had to do.

She turned around and started walking towards the door.

“Sam, where are you going?”

I’m leaving.

“Sam! Come back here right now!”

I’m never coming back.

*

“You did good,” Mon hears Yuki’s voice from the other side of the door.

Mon had arrived a little earlier, but then she heard voices in the kitchen and didn’t want to interrupt. She feels bad for eavesdropping, but she’s so happy to know Sam managed to get out of her family situation, despite the hesitancy she heard in her voice. She’s proud of Sam for standing up for herself.

“Morning, Mon.” Mon turns around and sees Tee coming towards her. “Are you going to the kitchen too?”

Mon feels a slight blush covering her face at being discovered listening through the door.

“Yes,” she says, and she pushes the door open. They enter the room, and Mon sees Yuki is sitting in front of Sam at the breakfast table. Sam has her back to the door and but turns around when they enter.

Tee wastes no time coming up to her wife to give her a quick good morning kiss on the lips. Sam just stares at Mon, following her with her eyes as she makes her way into the kitchen. It’s that deep persistent stare that seems to search into her. The way Sam has of talking without talking. Mon feels exposed and starts to feel a burning in her ears and she hopes she’s not as red as she feels.

“Mon?”

Mon is startled to hear her voice called out from behind her.

“Ka?”

She looks around to see Tee standing next to the counter waving a cup at her. Mon doesn’t recall seeing Tee move past her.

“Do you want coffee?”

“Ah,” Mon stumbles, slowly coming back to her senses. “Yes, thank you.”

Mon moves to the table and she realizes she’s on the same side as Sam. It’s too late and it’d be awkward to go to the other side now, but she’s also self conscious to sit next to Sam so she sits down leaving one seat between them. Sam doesn’t say anything but when Mon looks up at her, she’s staring with puppy eyes. Feeling defeated, Mon moves one seat over to sit next to Sam. The warmth radiating from Sam’s body hit Mon’s bare arms and she shudders.

“Did you sleep well?” Sam asks, her voice soft, like she’s the only one meant to hear her. She sounds so small, it makes Mon want to cry.

“Yes,” she nods, avoiding her gaze.

It was a weird restless night, in fact. For a while, she didn’t think she would be able to sleep. Thoughts of Sam consumed her. Images of her lying alone in her room, with no one to count on. Eventually, the exhaustion of the past few days won out, and, when she woke up, she was surprised to find that she had in fact slept through the night. It was already morning and she now had to face again the feelings from last night, and Sam.

She doesn’t know why she’s so awkward around her today. She is the same person that she has been talking to these past few days. Except she isn’t. Because the story Mon had been telling herself in her head for years, their story, had turned out to be different. And now the story has changed, Sam has changed, her feelings have changed. And she cannot deal with all of that right now, sitting at a breakfast table, before she even had coffee.

Mon observes Yuki and Tee make cute faces at each other, talking in a baby voice. They are so in love, Mon can tell. She remembers a time she used to do that with Sam. Despite her outward stoic appearance, she was lovely when it was just the two of them. She bopped her nose, played around, caressed her face looking at Mon like she hung the sun, the moon and the stars. Mon misses it. She doesn’t have that with Zo. Not for a long while at least. Or maybe she does, she can’t really remember, and maybe that’s a problem.

“Mon, why don’t we go out to the garden while these two talk business?” Yuki asks. Sam and Tee have been engrossed in business talk for a long time, and Mon had grown weary of it pretty soon. “It was too dark when I showed it to you last night.”

“Don’t you have to go to work?” Mon had assumed they would be leaving early in the morning.

Yuki lets out a hearty laugh. “It’s Saturday, Mon. We are not that workaholic that we will work on a weekend.”

It’s Saturday, of course. Mon has completely lost track of time, and how long she’s been away with Sam. But she’s not quite ready for it to end yet, so she accepts Yuki invitation and they head out.

The garden is impressive. It’s not like those from big Victorian manors that she would find in England, but it’s big enough to walk around it and it’s very cared for, with flowers providing a colorful break of the green grass. On one side, Yuki has installed a small rocky spring with flowers and small bushes growing around which gives it the look of a Japanese garden. There are fruit trees around the perimeter and Yuki explains that when they are ripe, they harvest the fruit and she makes her own homemade jam.

“I’ll give you a jar before you leave,” Yuki says enthusiastically.

Mon smiles. Her friend seems so proud of her garden, and the life she’s made here.

“At first, I didn’t want to touch or do anything in the house. It didn’t feel mine. It was all Tee’s, you know?”

Mon does know. She felt the same way with Sam. The disparity of their social stations always rested heavily in her mind, despite the reassurances she received from the Mhom Luang.

“I think it feels different now, that we are legally married. It’s no longer Tee and me. It’s us. This is our home, our life together.” Mon nodded. “You’ll understand soon.”

Mon was taken aback by the comment. What was she talking about? It took her a shameful long time for her mind to shift from Sam to Zo.

“Yes,” she said, and the forced herself to add, “I can’t wait.”

Yuki eyed her for a moment. She seemed like she was going to say something but thought better of it.

“So, when are you going to tell me about Zo?”

“What do you want to know?”

Mon hated how she felt the fake smile plastered on her face.

“I don’t know. How is she? How did you two meet?”

“Well, she’s great. You would love her. We met in a bar, in London.”

Yuki placed a hand on her arm, which forced Mon to look back to her face.

“Hey, Mon, it’s me. I know we haven’t talked in a long time, but you can tell me everything, you know that, right?” Mon nodded slightly, starting to become overcome with emotion. “I understand why you had to leave. I hope you found your peace in England.”

Mon nodded slightly, and they continued their walk around the garden arm in arm.

*

Memories have a funny way of turning into monsters.

Mon had thought that she had cried as much as she could, but when she dropped the bags on the floor of her small, damp room in the student accommodation in London, a new flood of sadness poured over her. Without unpacking, she got into the covers and cried until the tears ran out. She missed Sam in a way that was physical. Her skin seemed to break at the seams from pulling at the strings that attached her to Sam.

It was over, really over. And the dream in which she had been living for almost two years had turned into a nightmare. As time went by, her mind reconstructed their story. In this new story, she was a naïve girl that had pretended that was worthy of the love of a Mhom Luang. But she had tired of her, of course. Now that she was the only heir in her family, she had no more use for her.

Inside her head, the indifference she had seen in the last few months turned into disdain, the love they had shared turned into the whim of a rich woman, and the promises they had made to each other in front of their friends, nothing but a childish fantasy.

As she rewrote the story, she felt herself grow smaller and smaller. So she pushed it deeper inside her mind, like the ugly little spot you don’t want to see so you put it in a corner and try not to look at it, but you can feel its presence and it grows uglier and uglier the longer you avert your gaze. It turns into a monster.

Time passed and the smile she got used to putting up in front of other people got so ingrained in her, that at some point forgot she was faking it. She got a graduate job in a start-up company and pretty soon realized her mistake and found another job in the marketing department of an engineering firm. She moved to a slew of crappy apartments, with a slew of terrible roommates, except the one time she lived with a friend, until she got a boyfriend. Things got ugly then, so she ended up moving out and into yet another crappy shared household with flatmates that refused to do the dishes or turn down the volume of their music. Her father had offered her to move in with him when she arrived, and then many other times, but always refused.

Mon tried to call her parents every day, but most weeks she only called once or twice. The conversations got harder as they insisted she came home for the holidays and she had to keep coming up with excuses to avoid it. She couldn’t come back to Bangkok. Like the monster in the corner of her room, that followed her around wherever she moved, Bangkok had come to represent everything she feared.

It had been three years since she had moved to London. She was watching a Manchester United match in the pub she had made her usual spot for Premier League matchday. She knew most of the usual crowd by now, and she could crack a joke with the barman, a thankfully not-so-devoted City fan, when United won.

But she didn’t know the girl at the back who kept looking at her. She didn’t pay any mind, but when she approached her and asked her if she could sit in the stool next to her, she absentmindedly replied “ka” before realizing: she had spoken in Thai.

Mon looked back at her in confusion and was met with a widespread smile. Only then she took notice of the girl. She had long black hair, think eyebrows, tanned skin and beautiful, even white teeth. She was wearing a well-worn black leather jacket over a tank top, black tight trousers and combat boots. Her first thought was that she was attractive.

Mon hadn’t thought about dating in all the time she’d been in England. Nothing was further from her mind, in fact. Dating was related to Sam. And like everything to do with Sam, it belonged in the past, locked away to never be seen again.

“You’re Thai,” the girl said, when Mon wouldn’t say anything.

“Oh, yes,” Mon mumbled, a little perplexed. “How did you know?”

The girl shrugged.

“I thought I had heard you say a word or two while you were watching the match. You probably didn’t even notice,” she giggled. “I’m Zo, by the way.”

And that’s how they started talking. Turned out she wasn’t a Manchester United fan, or a football fan in general, but she had just moved to the area and this pub seemed as good as any other to have a beer. Mon thought it lucky they had met, and Zo told her that she had a group of Thai friends that would love to meet her.

They started hanging out frequently, and soon they were seeing or texting each other every day. Zo made no secret of her romantic intentions towards her, and she took Mon’s gentle rejections in good spirits. She didn’t ask much of her, and Mon liked that.

Zo made herself a presence in Mon’s life that was as natural as the coffee in the morning. They hung out, they watched movies, they had lunch together and took turns cooking dinner. Zo persevered without pushing, she just let Mon grow accustomed to her until a year after they met, she finally agreed to date her.

It was a good relationship; Mon would never say otherwise. She felt loved and cared for, the kind of companionship that was easy. Zo was dedicated to her, they hardly ever fought. So, when she proposed to her in the pub where they met, after a Manchester United match, Mon was out of reasons why she shouldn’t.

So, she said yes, and took a photo, and smiled and accepted that yes, this was the life for her. And it was a happy life. And the ghost of Sam was safely tucked away in the corner where she kept all her memories.

*

Yuki doesn’t say anything. The silence that envelops them isn’t an uncomfortable one, but one full of meaning. Yuki places a hand to Mon’s arm as the latter finishes talking. She knows how what she just said sounded, like she has settled. And maybe she has. But she has settled for a relationship that doesn’t hurt her.

They hear the murmur of voices entering the garden and see Tee and Sam approaching them.

“Ah, here you are!” says Tee. “You’ve been out here for a long time.”

Mon smiles. “I was admiring the gardens. Yuki takes good care of them.”

Tee stares at her wife fondly. “She has given them new life, that’s for sure.”

Mon almost feels shy witnessing the look exchanged between the two lovers. She knows what Tee really means by that. Yuki has made a home out of her house.

“Are you two staying for lunch, then?” Tee asks.

Mon hesitates, lunch actually sounds good, but it’s Sam who answers first.

“No, I think we should get a move on now.”

Mon looks up at Sam, confused, and maybe saddened, by Sam’s suddenly rush to go back, but she nods in agreement.

They take the luggage downstairs and the married couple take them to the front gate.

Yuki takes Mon into a tight hug and makes her promise to keep in touch.

“You know, Sam,” says Tee. “I actually know where Kade is, she’s worked as an actress in one of our commercials. I think we should get the band back together, what do you say?”

A smile flashes in Sam’s face as she nods. “Yes, I would really like that.”

Tee doesn’t try to hug Sam, but she puts a hand on her shoulder in a tender gesture.

“It was nice seeing you, Fuzzy. Let’s meet again soon.”

When Tee and Yuki get back inside, it’s just the two of them left in front of the house and suddenly, there is a tense silence between them. For the first time, Mon fears that this is it. This is the end of the road for them, and she’s not ready.

“Do you…” Mon starts, trying to find a way to prolong this moment, to prolong their departure. “Do you want to take a ride back together?”

“No,” Sam says. “It’s best if we split here. You can take a taxi home, right?”

Mon stares at her in disbelief. Sam is standing there, her arms crossed over her chest and she’s asking her to leave without even deigning to look at her. After everything that has happened these past few days, everything they talked about, this is how she’s saying goodbye. Tears prickle in Mon’s eyes and she has the sudden urge to take Sam by the shoulders and shake her, demand an explanation. Ask her what all of this was for. Why did she take her from her life, to remind her of their story, to remind her what love truly is, only to leave her stranded again without a word. She wants to scream at her, but she’s so stunned that no words come out.

Mon finally puts herself together, putting stock on her pride, swallowing her tears before saying:

“Ok, Khun Sam. I guess this is goodbye then.” A single hum in response. “I hope you have a good life, Khun Sam.”

Sam doesn’t say anything else. Slowly, Mon turns around, feeling her heart breaking with every step she takes away from her.

*

Sam averts her gaze, knowing that she will never be able to let Mon go if she looks at her again. Only when she’s gone, she allows the tears to fall, turning into unrestraint cries, as she feels the wound in her soul bleed and bleed.

Chapter Text

The taxi ride back to the apartment she shares with Zo is like a blur to Mon. Lazy tears run freely from her eyes, as she looks out of the window into the streets, eyes unfocused, her mind everywhere but there.

All of a sudden, she is thrown back into the life she had left barely three days ago, but it now feels foreign, like it doesn’t belong to her anymore. It belongs to another Mon, the one that had secluded herself from the past, away from painful memories, but also from the good ones, from her friends, from the feeling of being really, truly in love.

She reaches the door of the apartment and puts the key in, feeling like an intruder, like a thief in the night. She takes a deep breath before turning it and opening the door.

She is welcomed by the exact same sight she had left days before. The boxes are in the same place, scattered, unopened. There’s Zo, sitting on the sofa, her gaze trained down, not even bothering to lift her head at the sound of Mon entering.

But then, a new feature grabs Mon’s attention: a suitcase is standing next to where Zo is sitting.

“Are you leaving?” Mon asks before she even thinks to greet her.

“I don’t know. Am I?”

The question takes her aback. It is clear what the implications are. And Zo is giving her a choice. One word from Mon, and she won’t leave. She will stay, and they will resume their lives and their relationship just as they were.

She could go back to the easy, painless life they shared together; put all the memories she unearthed these days back into the corner where she wouldn’t have to look at them again. Can she go back to being that Mon?

The silence hangs between them, and it feels like an answer for both of them.

After a few moments, Zo finally lifts her head to look at her, hurt in her eyes. There are no more words exchanged as she takes her suitcase and walks past Mon and out of the apartment.

A week later, Mon is leaving her cup inside the sink. The apartment is finally clear of boxes. She managed to separate her things from Zo’s, and she took hers away while Mon settled everything else around the place. Zo told her that she could keep the apartment, and that she would stay with her parents. Mon doesn’t know if that’s the correct procedure, given that she’s the one who broke Zo’s heart, and not the other way around, but Zo is decided so she stays in the apartment that suddenly seems too empty.

Even with the hassle of the packing and unpacking, and the obvious heartbreak of their split, Mon hasn’t stopped thinking about Sam. The initial anger has subsided, replaced by sadness and longing.

On many occasions she found herself looking at the line chat with Sam, but she didn’t know what to say. In fairness, Sam should be the one reaching out to her. But it’s been radio silence from her as well, and she can’t quite comprehend what she is doing, or what everything they went through had meant for the both of them.

In the end, tired of mulling over questions she couldn’t find an answer for, and at the risk of going crazy alone with her thoughts in the empty apartment, she goes in search of the woman herself.

Mon doesn’t know where Sam lives, so her first obvious call is Diversity.

It’s a nice office, situated in a mixed-use building with retail space. She spends several minutes walking around the shopping center prepping herself for the confrontation, rehearsing what she’s going to say, before deciding that it is useless. You cannot rehearse with Sam because you never know what she’s going to say.

She makes her way to the office floor, and is greeted by a short woman, with long black hair. The lanyard hanging from her neck says that her name is Yha.

“I would like to speak to Khun Samanun Anuntrakul.”

“Oh, I’m afraid you can’t,” the woman says with an apologetic look on her face.

“Is she busy? If you could just let her know I’m here…”

“I’m sorry, but she’s not here.”

Mon furrows her brows, and is about to ask when she will be back when a man steps in.

“Hi, can I help?”

“Hi, yes, my name is Mon, I was hoping to speak to Khun Sam—”

“Mon?” His face is as if he’s just seen a ghost.

“Yes…”

The man seems to recover from the shock. He straightens up and says, “Please, follow me, miss Mon.”

They enter a meeting room and the man motions for her to sit in front of him.

“Please, allow me to introduce myself, my name is Kirk, Sam’s business partner.”

Mon nods. She expected it, based on Sam’s description of Kirk and the way he seemed to be a boss around here.

“I must inform you that Sam hasn’t been to the office for over a week.”

Mon jumps out of her seat as soon as she hears that. “Has something happened to her?”

Kirk does a gesture with his hand to calm her down and she sits again.

“She’s just said she has a headache. Sam suffers from migraines. You probably know this.” As he speaks, he pulls a paper from the stack of multi-colored memo notes on the table. “Ever since I’ve known her, she’s had a pretty hard life.” Kirk has started scribbling something on the paper. “I don’t presume to know the reason of your visit, Miss Mon, but I do believe you might be able to help with Sam’s pain.” As he finishes saying this, he slides the paper to Mon.

She picks it up and reads what he’s written. It’s an address. Mon looks back at him with a questioning look, but he doesn’t say anything else. She gets up from her seat, and he does the same.

“Thank you, Khun Kirk.”

“Please, allow me to walk you out.”

The taxi drops her off at the address that Kirk has given her.

It’s yet another small mansion, like the ones of her friends. This one is a gray modernist architecture. Fitting for Sam, she thinks.

Mon presses the intercom and waits several agonizing minutes, before she sees Sam approaching the door. She doesn’t look good. She’s pale, and thin, and she looks more disheveled than Mon is used to seeing her.

“Mon,” Sam says with a croaky voice. It’s like she hasn’t used it in a while. “What are you doing here?”

It’s not an accusation, she sounds genuinely surprised.

“Can I come in?”

Sam looks at her for a moment, and then nods, leading her towards the house.

They enter the house which opens into a large dining area. There is a glass of water on the table, along with some pain medication. What Mon doesn’t see is any food.

“Khun Sam, have you been feeling sick?”

Sam nods, arms crossed, holding herself.

“Do you need anything? Can I bring you something from the pharmacy? Or to eat?”

Mon isn’t sure what she said, but Sam looks on the verge of tears. She just shakes her head, averting her eyes. Mon takes a long look at Sam. She looks so frail and shattered, for a moment she forgets what she came here to do. A wave of protectiveness threatens to overcome her, she wants nothing more in that moment than to take care of her. Wiping her tears, caressing her back, feeding her, cuddling with her until she falls asleep.

But she can’t. She doesn’t have that privilege. She lost it years ago, and now she doesn’t know where she stands. She needs an answer now, to know if there is something between them worth fighting for. Or, if she no longer feels the same about her, to close the door forever.

“Khun Sam,” Mon starts to say, staring at the feeble figure in front of her. She no longer has any reproaches, she just wants to understand. “Why?”

Sam lift up her gaze.

“Why did you leave me like that?” Mon continues. “We went through all of that together, remembering our story, and now you’re just…going to disappear?”

Sam just stares at her for a moment, considering her words. Then: “I promised Tee that I would leave you alone.”

What?, Mon almost shouts.

Sam moves away, turning her back to Mon.

“I have been thinking…” she starts to say, her voice is thick with swollen tears. “I know you already have Zo, but I’m just thinking that…” Mon can see Sam’s shoulders starting to shake. “I don’t know, that maybe you could use a friend to talk to, sometimes? For advice, or just someone to listen.”

Mon starts feeling her own tears welling up in her eyes as she listens to Sam.

“Or… Or maybe we could meet up, from time to time, for dinner, or coffee, just to catch up.” Sam’s voice was cracking, her sobs becoming harder to conceal. “Or maybe we can just go to the cinema, we don’t even need to talk. I just…I just don’t want to never see you again, Mon. I can’t be apart from you again.”

Mon can’t take it anymore. She runs towards Sam and hugs her tightly, her front pressed against Sam’s back and her chin on her shoulder.

“Khun Sam!”

And for a moment, that’s all they do. Mon hugging Sam tightly, crying silently.

Mon sneaks up a hand to Sam’s face and starts wiping her tears.

“Khun Sam, listen to me,” Mon says, softly this time. She turns Sam around, so they are facing each other again. “Me and Zo… We broke up.”

Sam’s eyes go slightly wide at the revelation, but she doesn’t say anything, not daring to assume just yet.

“I couldn’t go back to the life I had with her. I want what I had with you. I love you.”

Sam opens her mouth, but no sound comes out. She lifts up her hand, and gently cups Mon’s face.

“But,” Mon says, before Sam can get a word out, “this time it has to be different, Khun Sam. We need to be better, I need to know what you are feeling. Do you think you can do that?”

Sam lets her tears fall again, but this time they are combined with a smile that spreads wide across her face.

“Yes,” she nods frantically, “I promise, Mon. I will do better.” Sam kisses her forehead, and then her nose, “I will do better,” she repeats.

Mon smiles, staring at Sam’s glossy dark eyes in adoration. She places her hand on her neck and uses her thumb to stroke her jaw. “We will do better, Khun Sam.”

*

“Are you sure these are ok?”

Sam is standing over the kitchen counter, staring at the tray of slightly burned rolls. Mon smiles softly at her conflicted girlfriend. She comes close to cross her arms over Sam’s front.

“It’s ok, babe, they will not mind that they are not perfect. What matters is that you made an effort.”

Sam looks unconvinced. “I can still go to get some take out—”

“No,” Mon takes Sam’s hand. “Come on, our friends are waiting for us.”

Sam takes the tray on her left hand and walks out into the garden with Mon. There they find Nop and Yuki standing on one end of the table, chatting amicably. Sitting by the table is a very pregnant Jim bickering over something with Kade. The group is complete with Tee, who seems engrossed in business talk with Kirk.

They all turned their attention to Sam and Mon as the former steps to the table and shyly deposits the tray on it.

“Ow, finally” Jim whines. “What took you so long? My baby is hungry.” Jim punctuates this by stroking her very pregnant belly with a pout.

Mon shakes her head and places the tray on the table. “Khun Sam has made these herself.”

Sam stands awkwardly waiting for the reaction to her first attempt at cooking for her friends. Nop approaches the table to look at the rolls and gives Sam a cheeky grin before taking one and putting it in his mouth with one bite.

“Very good, Khun Sam,” he says when he’s swallowed enough of it to be able to speak. “I guess we won’t be starving today.”

They all laugh and start eating the rolls. Sam visibly relaxes, and she takes Mon’s hand as they find seats for themselves on the closest available chairs.

The conversation continues in groups of two and three, with loud noises and laughs. Mon looks at Sam and is once more in awe of how comfortable Sam looks nowadays. Her smiles have become wider and freer, she’s no longer stiff and restraint.

It’s been a year since they got back together, and Sam has continued working on unlearning the behaviors that became a part of her as a result of her strict upbringing. It’s not so much like she’s a different person, but she’s now showing the rest of the world the person that Mon always knew.

She was still a strict boss. Mon had found that out after she started working at Diversity. Sam had wanted her to have a high position within the company, but Mon had refused. She only agreed to work at Sam’s company as long as she took a role that suited her experience. Like Yuki had once told her, she didn’t want to be Sam’s trophy wife. She wanted to work hard for what she had. That’s how she had gotten to know Sam’s coldest façade, the one every other employee at Diversity was scared of. It amused her to see her colleagues frightened by the cruel and severe “Mohm Boss”, and it was particularly funny seeing their shock when they found out they were dating, becoming unwilling witnesses of Sam’s real softness, the one she reserved only for her.

Sam notices Mon stare and looks back at her. She returns her smile, caressing with her thumb the back of her hand.

“I love you, Khun Sam,” Mon says, for no particular reason other than she felt it and she wanted to say it.

Sam’s smile grew wider. “I love you too, Mon,” she says, leaving a kiss on the back of her hand.

“Well,” Jim’s voice raises above all chatter around them, “where are we having our next gathering then?”

“We can come to my house, the trees will be in full bloom,” says Tee.

“But you already hosted last month,” says Kade.

“You guys still haven’t come to visit me,” protests Nop. “I think you should all come to my hotel next time.”

“But Nop,” Jim points at her belly, “how am I supposed to travel to Krabi with this? I don’t even think they’d let me on the plane.”

“We should go to Jim’s,” says Sam. “We can combine it with her baby shower.”

“Well, since you mention it, I think that’s a good idea,” Jim says, as if this wasn’t her intention from the beginning.

“I’m just happy wherever, as long as don’t forget to meet each other,” says Yuki, a bit more earnest. “I have missed this so much.”

Everybody nods, and Nop rubs her arm with her hand. “Yes, we won’t let us lose contact again, we promise,” he says.

Mon looks around her again, at her friends, at her hand interlaced with Sam’s. The pieces of her life have come together again, and nothing will destroy it this time.