Chapter Text
"Breathe in, breathe through, breathe deep, breathe out. I'll be getting over you my whole life"
"I've been seeing Paula Agard, and not as my therapist anymore"
The words have been resounding in her head all night, and she hates the way she feels. She tries not to dwell on it but it's simply not possible. He hasn't been in a relationship since Scottie left, a long time ago, and she's never been bothered by the way he sleeps around. Never felt jealous of those faceless women that got to occupy his bed because she knows none of them ever meant anything.
Even with Scottie, she knew the lawyer understood the dynamic of their relationship, so she never felt threatened by her either, Zoe never stood a chance, and that's the closest he's ever been to trying a serious relationship.
This somehow is different. He's in a new place, she can tell, because she knows him better than he knows himself. And she feels so stupid, because a part of her, and this is something she'll never admit to anyone but herself, thought that this meant he might have been ready for them. She asked for more, and the look on his face when he asked her what she meant, told her that maybe he was scared but also maybe hopeful that she meant she wanted him. She guesses she misread the situation, again, and she realizes that no matter how many times she finds herself here, he's never ready for her.
'Maybe he simply doesn't want to be with you Donna. Never has, never will' An annoying voice inside her head tells her.
She thinks about The Other Time, and how that single night changed her forever. She doesn't regret it, it was the best night of her life, but it also gave her a glimpse of what finding the perfect connection feels like, and she has craved to feel that way again ever since they licked whipped cream and ate strawberries off each other's bodies.
"Stop it" She mumbles to herself as she lays in bed, staring at the ceiling in her bedroom.
She knows thinking about that night will bring nothing good, and she also knows it was her idea to put it out of their minds, even if she never did. And she thought he hadn't either, but maybe she was wrong and all that night meant for him was another one night stand like the many he had before and after.
He told her she'd fall for him, and boy was he right and boy was she wrong when she told him the same thing, because she did fall for him but he never fell for her.
She has to get her life back, she needs to get over him and think about herself for once in her life, but not like she did when she left him for Louis and then ended up going back to him. She needs to date and have fun and maybe find herself a man that can give her a committed relationship, just like the one Harvey and Paula have. Yes, she will do exactly that, she'll get over Harvey, whatever it takes.
She returns his key the day after that, and he tells her he understands, but the fact that they are bothered by the other being in a relationship doesn't mean anything, and she debates on whether she should feel relieved he understands or slap him across the cheek because he means everything to her, and she doesn't want to resent him for not feeling the same way, it's not his fault, and she'll simply need to accept that.
She finds Paula in his office leaving him a gift for their 2 months anniversary on a wednesday, to the man that always thought it was stupid to celebrate milestones like that, and it hits her how much he is into the relationship and how much he's changed for his girlfriend. It hurts, and her previous resolution goes down the toilet, she's not over him, and she doesn't know if she ever will be.
She decides to meet Mark at the hotel because she needs to feel wanted and worshiped, even if not by the man she really wants, but she ends up regretting it as soon as she knocks. Thank heaven for Rachel Elizabeth Zane.
Unsatisfied and full of regret for even considering sleeping with a married man, she hates Harvey for what he made of her, for making her feel so low that she considered going into a married man's room for a good night of sex.
She kisses him on a Tuesday, and she confirms what she always knew, she's in love with him, but she chickens out and pulls away the moment he starts returning the kiss. She can't do this to him, he's her best friend, she can't let him become a cheater at her hands, no matter how much she loves him, no matter how much she wants him.
She dreams about the kiss more often than she'd like to admit, in her dreams he pins her to her desk and confesses how much he's wanted this for the past twelve years.
She tries to put the kiss and the dreams out of her mind, but just like with The Other Time, it's simply not possible. So she holds onto the memory of his lips pressed against hers.
They've done more than that before, he's kissed every inch of her body, she's kissed and licked every inch of his body too, but somehow that kiss meant more than any of the kisses they shared that night twelve years ago, because it was the proof she needed to realize what, deep down, she always knew. She'll never get over him and she's destined to love a man that belongs to someone else, that loves someone else.
Why did she have to go to work for Louis? Or why couldn't he handle her leaving him in a better way so his panic attacks wouldn't land him in the arms of a very unethical therapist, willing to date her patient and dream about him while he tries to work his issues with her. What kind of professional does that? A very unethical one if you ask her.
'If not Paula, it would have been someone else'. She really needs to learn how to shut that annoying voice in her head.
She meets Thomas on a Thursday in the firm's lobby.
"Oh I'm so sorry" She hurries to apologize as she literally bumps into him "I wasn't looking where I was going"
He kneels to help her gather the documents she had been carrying.
"It's no problem really" He stands as she does and hands her the papers he collected for her "Thomas Kessler" He extends his hand as he introduces himself and she shakes it with a smile.
"Donna Paulsen" She introduces herself too and he smiles knowingly.
"The mighty Donna Paulsen, Louis talks about you a lot" She chuckles and shakes her head.
"I'm sure he does… Are you here to see him?, cause he went out but he'll be back in a bit"
"As a matter of fact I am" He confirms.
"Well, if this is about finding a new general counsel I have some ideas myself that I could share with you while we wait for him"
"It's not, I already have Korn Ferry working on that" He explains politely and she can't help but think how handsome and charming he looks.
"Oh, well, I could get you the best ten candidates in the city by tomorrow, but if you already have it solved… It was nice meeting you, Thomas" She turns to leave but he stops her.
"Donna, wait. I'd like to know about your ideas if it's not too much trouble"
"I offered, didn't I?" She replies in a sassy tone and he nods. "Follow me" She leads him into the conference room. He takes a seat in front of her, his deep blue eyes penetrating her dark green ones.
The meeting goes well, they discuss the type of counseling he needs and which profile would be the best for his business, and they both agree it's mostly about chemistry, so Donna compromises to send him the best resumés by tomorrow morning.
Louis joins the meeting just as Donna and Thomas are wrapping it. "I am so sorry Thomas, I had an emergency and got back as soon as I could" the lawyer apologizes but the CEO dismisses it.
"No worries Louis, Donna here offered to find me the best candidates for general counseling, I've been very well taken care of"
"Well Donna is the best at pretty much everything, so I'm sure you have" the name partner compliments his friend and the redhead blushes a bit.
"Well Louis, it's been good to see you. Donna, I'll wait to hear from you tomorrow"
"I'll walk you out" She offers and he lets her go first, following after her and positioning himself beside her to walk towards the elevators.
As Thomas's lift arrives Paula and Harvey get off the elevator, the lawyer has a solemn look on his face, if she didn't know better she'd say they've been fighting.
"Donna" Harvey says in the tone that he only uses for her and she can see how his girlfriend looks sideways at him with an annoyed look.
"Harvey" She replies in an acknowledging tone, the one she uses when she greets him in the morning. "This is Thomas-"
"Kessler, we've met" Harvey interrupts and shakes the lawyer's hand. "Nice to see you again"
"You too"
"Paula Agard" The therapist introduces herself and also shakes Thomas's hand "Harvey's girlfriend" She adds and Donna thinks there was no need to do so but she needs to point out all the time how Harvey belongs to her.
"Nice to meet you" Thomas replies and for some reason the encounter is awkward as hell. "Well I should get going, thank you Donna and I'll talk to you tomorrow"
"Yes you will" She replies with a smile and Thomas gets on the elevator after saying goodbye to Harvey and Paula.
Donna nods at them and starts walking towards her office not knowing what to say and noticing they are following her, of course they are, her office is right next to Harvey's. She quickens her pace and sighs in relief once she makes it inside.
"If you're done taking care of Thomas Kessler while flirting with him, I need that report I asked you for two days ago" Harvey says sternly as he walks into her office two days later.
"Excuse me?" She says in disbelief. "Kessler is one of Louis's oldest clients and he's going through a big expansion, I'm making sure the firm benefits from it" She says defensively because she knows that tone, he's accusing her. Of what, she's not sure, but he definitely is.
"Fine, I'm not coming down on you, do whatever the hell you want with him, just make sure I have that report on my desk by tomorrow morning" He walks out of her office and she grabs the folder containing his damn report from her desk drawer, she follows him and throws it at his desk.
"Next time instead of accusing me of not doing my job, just ask me if I have the damn report or not. I was waiting for you to come back to give it to you" She snaps at him and his face falls, but only for a second and he recovers just as fast.
"Thank you" He says in a low tone and she simply rolls her eyes and turns to leave. "Are you fucking him?" He asks and she stops in her tracks. What kind of question is that? Is he fucking kidding her?.
She turns on her heels and faces him "What is it to you if I am?" She asks and he tenses, his jaw clenched, his elbow firmly pressed into his armrest, his index finger resting between his upper lip and his nose. He simply stares at her and she has enough of his attitude.
She walks over to him and he leans further into his seat, she turns his chair around so he's facing her and rests her hands on each of the armrests of his chair as she leans over him.
"You have a girlfriend, and even if you didn't, we both know it would bother you if I were fucking him but it doesn't mean anything. Right?" He breathes in sharply, her perfume invading his senses and she's well aware of it.
"It doesn't" He replies in what he believes is a confident tone but he can't fool her, she knows him too well.
"Mean anything?" She wonders out loud, her face still inches away from him.
"Bother me" He replies and she chuckles darkly.
"I think you know it does" She stands abruptly and he's shocked by her sudden movement but says nothing.
"You don't know shit. I'm with Paula, we're happy"
"Good for you" She replies and leaves his office with a smirk.
Thomas makes her feel good, and she can see herself being happy with him. He comes with no complications, emotionally available for her. He makes her laugh a lot, he's very funny and a gentleman. He's good in bed and makes sure she's thoroughly satisfied every time they have sex, he's everything she ever wanted in a man, except for one huge flaw that's not even his fault, he's not him.
"I was just telling Thomas we should go on a double date sometime" Paula suggests as one night they cross paths in the lobby again after Thomas and Paula shared the ride to the 50th floor to find their respectives partners waiting for the elevator themselves.
"And I agreed it was a great idea" Thomas chimes in.
Harvey and Donna share a look, things have been tense between them after the kiss, of which Paula and Thomas have no idea of, and it's been even more awkward after Harvey found out about her seeing Thomas. He's behaved like an asshole ever since, snapping at her for random stuff that has nothing to do with work matters and everything to do with the fact that he's bothered by her relationship.
"Sure" It's Donna who agrees first, because honestly it would look too suspicious not to "That's a great idea, right Harvey?"
"Of course" the lawyer replies with the best smile he can muster.
It's settled then, they're all having dinner tomorrow night and Donna already knows it's a terrible idea.
They end up going to Per Se, since Del Posto was out of the question, that's their place, there's no way he's going there with anyone other than her. Paula insisted on going many times and he keeps saying he doesn't like the place, which he knows doesn't add up, he loves italian food.
They decide to meet at the restaurant and they arrive first, around ten minutes after occupying the table and Paula telling him some boring story about her clever brother, he senses Donna before he sees her, a sixth sense of some sort, and as he looks up he lays eyes on her and she takes his breath away just like every goddamn time.
Blue, she had to pick a blue dress, his favorite color on her, and if he didn't know any better, he'd say she did it on purpose. Thomas has his arm around her waist possessively, showing off the beautiful woman that belongs to him and Harvey feels his blood boil, he doesn't even know why, she asked for more and he panicked and asked Paula out, so he has no right getting upset with Donna for being with Thomas.
"Harvey, are you listening?" Paula asks and he finally snaps out of his trance to look at her.
"They're here" He simply says as he stands to greet them, Paula looks up and her expression changes again when she realizes what had her boyfriend distracted, and she has to recognize Donna looks amazing tonight.
Dinner is awkward at first, but suddenly Thomas and Harvey get engaged in business conversation and Donna even adds some comments that perfectly fit, and Paula feels completely like a toad from another well.
"I think we're boring Paula to death with all this business talk" Donna says at some point and the blonde shoots her a sympathetic look in appreciation.
"It's okay" She dismisses.
"No, Donna is right, we are boring you to death" Harvey says with a soft chuckle as he caresses her hand softly.
"So Paula, which part of England are you from?" Thomas asks with a polite smile.
"I'm from London, haven't been back in a while though"
"Oh, so you've been here for a long time" Donna adds, faking interest in the woman's life.
"Since I went to Harvard for med school" She explains, and they get engaged in trivial talk after that.
They actually have a good time, Donna and Paula have next to nothing in common but the redhead and the managing partner start reminiscing on funny old stories that make their partners laugh.
"And then Donna said she'd owe him one and that was like anyone else owing him twenty" Harvey says while laughing and Donna shakes her head.
"And he agreed?" Thomas asks with genuine curiosity, eager to learn everything he can about the woman he's falling for.
"Of course he did, I'm Donna" Her sassy and confident tone makes Thomas laugh and look adoringly at her, she returns the smile with a loving look and Harvey stops laughing all of the sudden, bothered by how happy they look together and thinking about how that could be him, them, but he dismisses the thought just as fast, he can't allow himself to go there, not when he's trying to make his relationship with Paula work.
"It's getting late, we should get going, Donna and I have a partners meeting first thing tomorrow morning" Harvey announces and Donna nods in agreement.
"I'll just go to the restroom very quickly" Donna says while standing and brushing her hand through Thomas's shoulder as she leaves the table.
"Thomas, you and Donna make a lovely couple" Paula comments with a genuine smile and Harvey looks sideways at her, trying not to show his annoyance and jealousy.
"Thank you Paula, it's new but she's an amazing woman, I couldn't be happier" He replies politely.
"Check please" Harvey says as he sees the waiter passing by. Thomas aims for his wallet but Harvey stops him. "I've got this Thomas, you can pay next time" He says with what he hopes is a friendly face.
"That's very generous of you Harvey, thank you" The lawyer only nods at him and hands the waiter his credit card.
"I'll be right back" He says as he leaves the table and heads for the bathroom himself. Before heading inside, he sees Donna coming out of the ladies room.
"Did you ask for the check?" She asks with a flustered face, not expecting to run into him alone.
"Already taken care of"
"Great" She says as she walks by him but he catches her wrist and she turns on her heels to look at him.
"It means something" He says, a tone that's barely above a whisper and she looks at him confused.
"What?"
"You were right, It does bother me and it does mean something. But he's a good man, so much better for you than I could ever be and I want you to be happy Donna, you're better off with him, trust me"
She shakes her head and looks down, it is so like him to justify his actions, or lack thereof, by making her think that he's doing what's best for her.
"Tell yourself whatever you want, Harvey, we both know my wellbeing hasn't been high on your priorities for a long time"
He was an ass towards her after she kissed him, and now he wants her to believe that he actually cares, well she's not buying it, not anymore.
"You've no idea, Donna" His tone is low, a sad smile tugs at his lips and she can swear she sees affection behind his eyes.
"No, I don't, because you don't talk to me"
"They're waiting for us, we should go back" She scoffs, even if she knows he's right and Paula and Thomas will soon realize it's taking them too long to return to the table.
When they do, Thomas immediately stands and grabs Donna's coat to help her put it on and she smiles at him appreciatively before slipping her arms into it.
"Thanks" She murmurs and notices Harvey doesn't have the same gesture with Paula. He's always had it with her though, every time they went out for dinner he'd help her put her coat on, maybe he's just still distracted by their conversation, Donna thinks, dismissing any other possible scenario.
They say their goodbyes and both couples part ways on different cabs, and Donna thinks she definitely doesn't want a repeat of this double date.
Unfortunately, her relationship with Thomas doesn't last. He realizes a few weeks in that her heart is not completely in it, he senses there's something else, someone else who already owns her heart and when he confronts her about it, she can't bring herself to lie, it wouldn't be fair to Thomas, so they have a very amicable break up, and she cries herself to sleep because goddamn Harvey has managed to ruin yet another relationship for her, and what pisses her off even more is that it's not even his fault, because she's the one who can't separate herself from him, she's the one who can't make her feelings for him go away.
She loves him, she always will, and as long as Harvey is a part of her life, and a fundamental part of it, she'll never be able to make it work with someone else.
His relationship with Paula seems to be thriving, they've been together for a few months now, she knows from Mike that she even met his mother, what must have been a huge step for Harvey, and she realizes then that he's completely serious about Paula. If he introduced her to his mother it can only mean that he really is head over heels in love with her. Meanwhile, Donna mourns yet another relationship for the incapability of falling out of love with Harvey Specter.
She books a flight to Seattle that same night, a few days with her best friends can help her clear her head and see things in a different life. She needs to be with Rachel, needs to feel her support and hear about her insight, because Rachel is the only one who knows first hand what Harvey means to her.
"You're leaving already?" Harvey asks from the doorway of her office as she's gathering her stuff.
"Uh, yes, you remember I told you about my trip? I'm leaving tonight" She says.
"You didn't tell me about it, you sent me an e-mail to inform me of your trip"
"As I should, Harvey. You're the managing partner of this firm, you should be informed when I take a few days off" She explains in a professional tone, which makes him downcast his eyes.
God, he misses his best friend so much, and he knows it's his own damn fault that's not what they are anymore, he's the one who reduced their fifteen years friendship to this, colleagues who only share work related conversations.
"I know, I signed off on it, didn't I?... I just wish you'd have told me you were going to see Mike and Rachel" He admits, and it really hurt when he found out through Mike that she was going to Seattle for a few days.
"I'm sorry, I didn't realize I had to give you the detailed schedule of my vacations" She retorts coldly, and he lets out a long sigh.
"You don't, but since they're our friends–"
"Harvey, you very well know that's not… We're not that close anymore, so I didn't think to tell you" Her tone is softer but sad, and he nods, understanding she's right, they're not what they used to be, he hates it, but it's the way things are right now.
"I understand. I guess Rachel must be thrilled to meet Thomas" He comments and Donna looks up at him in surprise. Of course he doesn't know about Thomas, why would he.
"No, um, Thomas and I ended it a few days ago" His eyes light up involuntarily and she tries to ignore it. He really is a jerk, happy that yet another relationship didn't work for her, because he doesn't want her to be his, but he also doesn't want her to be anyone else's. Yeah, he's always been one selfish bastard.
"I'm sorry to hear that" He lies and she scoffs.
"Yeah, right" She mutters.
"I am Donna, I meant it when I said I want you to be happy" She notices how he actually sounds sincere "You deserve it, you deserve someone worthy of you"
She takes her purse and hangs it over her shoulder "Yeah, well, this time I'm the one who wasn't worthy of him" He seems shocked at her admission, she has no idea what she's saying, no idea how much he himself wishes he'd be worthy of her, he never will be, he's too damaged for someone as pure and perfect as Donna Paulsen, but he really thought Thomas Kessler might be.
"No way, he's an idiot if he can't see how great you are, Donna" He compliments.
"That's me, surrounded by idiots" She replies as she looks pointedly at him, giving him an opening to say something, anything, but as usual, he chickens out and lets out a nervous chuckle.
"I hope you have a nice trip, Donna. Give my best to Mike and Rachel" Easy way out, that's what he's best at. She lets it go, knowing it's pointless not to do so.
"Thank you, Harvey. See you when I get back" She gives him a tight lip smile and walks past him.
She was right, a trip to see her best friends is exactly what she needed to clear her head, to breathe a different air, a clearer one that would allow her to see that she can't keep going with her life as it is. Following Harvey blindly, putting him above herself even when he has made himself clear; he's happy with someone else, he's in love with someone else, and it's time Donna accepts that and lets him go. She's always said she wanted him to be happy and it's true, but deep down she thought that someday he'd realize he could be so happy with her. It's time to face the fact that that's never gonna happen, it's time to let Harvey go.
Easier said than done… Half her life revolves around him, she has to see him everyday at work, her office is right next to his and most of her duties as COO have something to do with him since he's the Managing Partner of the firm.
"We've grown so much more than we planned to in the last few months and it's been great but we have our hands full of work, we'll need to hire someone to handle the firm's operations, because we don't even know how to do that" Rachel rambles as the three of them have dinner at a restaurant close to Mike and Rachel's home.
"Harvey is such a lucky bastard for having you to handle the firm" Mike adds with a smirk and Donna smiles at her friends.
"Well, I'm sure you'll also find the way to make things run smoothly, hire a COO, someone who runs the operation for you while you do your job and take care of defending those hopeless souls that fight the corporate assholes we represent" Donna suggests and both Rachel and Mike chuckle.
"We could always use a witty, talented COO who we can trust with our lives" Mike quips and the suggestion unsettles her, because she's not completely against it.
"You know I can't leave the firm" It's what she replies, but what she really means is that she can't leave Harvey, her first instinct being to always stay by him, no matter what.
"We know" Rachel reassures her "We just really miss you, and I'd kill for us to work together again, but I know you can't leave the firm"
"I miss you guys too, and that's what these few days are for, so enough work talk and tell me everything you've been up to these last few months" She changes the subject because she can't admit how close she was to taking them on their offer.
She visits the clinic a few times and everyone there is so nice to her, they've all heard about the mighty Donna Paulsen from either Rachel or Mike, and some of the cases the clinic handles are heart shattering, she loves to hear the stories and how Mike and Rachel lead these lawyers into fighting for the good people. She doesn't want to admit it, but it scares her how much she can see herself working here, helping make the world a better place by defending the hopeless people that come to the clinic looking for help.
In addition to that, she has to admit that Seattle is a nice city. Not nearly as big or magical as New York, but she likes it. Rachel takes her to her favorite café inside a bookstore and she has to admit she really likes it, and she can see herself having coffee with Rachel here on some mornings, maybe even with Mike if he decides to join them.
She starts seeing herself in Seattle, she starts seeing herself without him, and it scares the shit out of her, but it also makes her feel hope, hope that she can start over, that she can get past the whole drama with Harvey and leave their endless dance of denial behind.
"Were you serious about offering me that COO position?" She asks the couple later that day and Rachel's smile couldn't be wider, while Mike's look shows shock and maybe some worry, and she knows it's not about her at all, she knows who Mike is thinking about.
It's settled, her decision is made. She's moving to Seattle and all she has to do is notify Harvey, find a replacement for her and pack up to start her new life away from New York, away from him and from the pain of seeing him building a life with someone else.
She knocks on his door one evening after everyone has already left. She's been working up the courage to tell him but it hasn't been easy.
Her stomach is doing somersaults right now, she's never been more nervous. She's afraid he'll hate her, or maybe she wants him to, because if he hates her it'll be easier to leave him.
"Harvey, do you have a minute?" She asks and he looks up at her and nods.
"Of course" He replies, motioning for her to sit in front of him. "How was your trip?" He asks in an attempt to make small talk before discussing whatever it is she needs to talk to him about.
"It was great, actually that's what I wanted to talk to you about" She starts, glad he gave her the lead to address the issue.
"Has Mike stuck to a hairstyle or has he finally accepted that fat ties are better?" He jokingly asks and she would have laughed, but instead she ends up blurting out her news.
"I'm moving to Seattle to work with them"
He definitely didn't see that coming, and she hates the look of hurt in his eyes as he takes her words in, as his world crumbles around him when his worst fear materializes in front of him. Her, leaving him again, and this time to move across the country.
"Why?" He whispers.
"Because it's time for a change Harvey, I need a change in my life and I think this could be it. I've seen the work Mike and Rachel are doing and I wanna be a part of it" She explains as calmly as she can.
"Okay then, we can do more pro-bonos, you can be in charge of the associates handling them, bring in as many as you want" He desperately offers but she shakes her head.
"No, Harvey. It's not just about work. I need a change in my life… While I was in Seattle I felt at ease, I felt happy again and it's been so long since I've felt that way. I think it's what I need, a change of scenery and I want to do this"
The excitement in her eyes breaks him, destroys him, and he knows she's being sincere and he knows she needs this.
"So, what you're saying is that in order to be happy you need to leave me behind" He accuses and she feels the anger surge through her veins.
"Not everything is about you, Harvey. I'm doing this for me"
"Then leave your letter of resignation on my desk first thing tomorrow morning if your decision is made" His tone is cold, identical to when he rejected those two weeks she offered him when she left his desk for Louis's.
"I'm gonna help you find a replacement first" She tells him but he shakes his head.
"No need, we'll find one on our own. So, if you're gonna go, just go" And the same exact words too, apparently.
"Harvey–"
"I'm busy Donna, and I'd like to finish soon so I can go home to Paula"
Her heart sinks and she feels tears pooling behind her eyes but she's also never been more convinced she's doing the right thing. He has someone waiting for him, and he doesn't want her to leave but he also doesn't want her in his life, not in the way she needs him to, and she just can't live like this anymore.
"I'm sorry for keeping you. You'll have my letter of resignation in the morning. Good night, Harvey"
She walks out of his office with the last ounce of strength she has left, and she misses the long breath that leaves his lips as soon as she's gone, she also misses the tears forming on his own eyes at the realization that he's lost her.
She has everything packed in a week and she hasn't seen him since that night she told him she was leaving. She left her letter of resignation on his desk and cleared her office the morning following their confrontation, said goodbye to all her work colleagues, rejected Louis's offer to throw her a farewell party at the firm and held him as he cried when she gave him the news.
She knows from Mike that Harvey is not speaking to him either, feeling betrayed for the 'scheme he pulled behind his back'. Those are the words Mike said Harvey used when he called him to yell at him for poaching Donna.
Donna knows Mike's hurting because of Harvey's spiteful words, but she reassured the younger lawyer that he'll get over it eventually, and he'll see this is what was best for everyone.
Her plane leaves tomorrow, the movers will pack up her condo this week and will ship her furniture to her new apartment, which she only knows by photos and videos Rachel sent her, but she trusts her best friend's judgment, so she knows her new place will be just fine.
She's currently sitting on her couch, drinking a glass of wine while she reminisces on the most memorable moments she lived in this apartment, and she hates how everything keeps coming down to him.
This is where she and Harvey spent their first and only night together, it's where he met her mother when he came to the rescue and joined them for that god awful dinner party, it's also where he told her he loved her after saving her from prison only to take it back the next day. And it's where he came to her before making one of the most difficult decisions of his life, and she convinced him not to turn himself in for knowingly hiring a fraud.
Three knocks take her out of her trip down memory lane and she sighs deeply because she knows those knocks, she's heard them more than enough times to distinguish who's behind the door.
She opens the door and is faced with a disheveled Harvey, his eyes bloodshot, his tie nowhere to be seen and his shirt's first three buttons opened.
He's had one too many glasses of scotch, she can tell that and not just by how well she knows him, but because she's never seen him like this.
She's never seen him so defeated and an excessive amount of alcohol is the only way he'd allow anyone, even her, to see him like this.
"Don't leave me" He slurs the words in a pleading tone as he looks straight into her eyes.
"Harvey, we're not doing this" She tells him in a soft tone, honestly not having the strength to go through this again.
"Can I come in? Please" He implores and she contemplates whether it's a good idea to let him in or not. She takes a few seconds to make her decision until she finally steps aside to let him into her apartment.
She follows him to her living room and notices how he looks around at the way most things are packed.
"You have ignored me for the past week, and now what? Suddenly you decided to try to stop me from leaving?" Her accusation has him turning around to face her.
"I'm a mess" He admits as he shakes his head and runs a hand through his hair "I couldn't face you, it's not that I didn't want to, it's that I couldn't"
"And what's that supposed to mean, Harvey?" She demands an actual, honest answer, because she's tired of him assuming she knows things he's never willing to tell her.
"I've been struggling, I…" He's keeping something from her, she knows it, but she honestly doesn't have the strength to keep getting things out of him, so this time, she'll simply let him say his piece.
"I don't know what I'll do without you, without your guidance…" He hesitates again, trying to will her to see right through him "At the firm" He finishes, knowing he's a goddamn coward for not admitting that he has no idea how he's going to fucking survive without seeing her face everyday.
She folds her arms and lets out a long sigh "You'll be fine, Louis will be there. You're not alone Harvey, you also have Alex, Samantha, Robert, Grecthen, they'll all be there to make sure you don't fuck up too much if that's what you're worried about"
"It's not" He confesses as he looks down and then back up at her "Why did you and Thomas break it off?" He asks out of the blue, completely taking Donna by surprise, leaving her to open and close her mouth a few times, trying to come up with a good, reasonable excuse.
"We wanted different things" She chooses her words carefully and it's not a complete lie. I wanted you, and he knew it. The words are right there, but she knows she can't say them. "Harvey, it's late and Paula must be worried–"
"Fuck Paula" His retort takes her by surprise and he notices "That's not– I didn't mean– fuck" He curses loudly "I'm not seeing her tonight" He finally ends up explaining.
"Let me guess, she saw you like this, figured it had something to do with me leaving, you got into a fight and she's royally pissed at you"
He sighs and rounds her couch to sit on it, resting his head on his hands, confirming she's totally right "I should have…" He trails off but doesn't finish the sentence, he never does before saying something meaningful to her. "Is there really no way for me to convince you to stay?" He asks in a small voice and for the fraction of a second she falters.
Tell me you love me as much as I love you, that you want us as much as I do and I will.
"No, Harvey" She whispers, because she knows there's no way he's here to confess his undying love for her, it's not how he feels, she'll probably get an invitation to his wedding with Paula in a few months.
"I don't want you to leave while being on bad terms… Donna, you're…" Once again the words get stuck in his throat, encouraging her to feel even more convinced of her decision "My best friend" He ends up whispering, and the hint of a smile forms on her lips.
"You're my best friend too, Harvey" She whispers back and closes the distance between them to hug him.
She savors the feeling while he buries his face in her neck and breathes her in. God knows when she'll get to hug him again. She thinks he's enjoying it as much as she is, because he doesn't seem to be willing to let go, it almost feels like he's wishing they could stay in this moment forever, because there's no safer place in the world for him than her arms. She knows that's exactly how she feels and she'll fantasize, at least for a moment, that it's how he feels too.
"Go make that goddamn rainy city yours, Donna" She chuckles and squeezes him tighter before letting go.
"I will… Go make things right with her now, Harvey. Apologize and it'll be okay" She encourages, because no matter what she thinks of his relationship, how wrong she thinks it actually is, she loves him, and if Paula makes him happy then so be it, because she will always want Harvey to be happy, putting his happiness above her own simply comes naturally for her.
"Yeah, I should probably go… Promise you won't be a stranger" He says while he looks into her eyes and she nods.
"Promise me you won't stay mad at Mike"
He rolls his eyes and nods "I won't" He assures her.
She walks him out and when she opens the door he steps into the hallway and turns to face her. He places his palm against her cheek as his thumb caresses her skin and his forehead crashes against hers.
"I never thought I'd see the day I'd have to learn how to live without you, but I want this for you, Donna. I've always wanted you to be happy" His words sound so sincere that they make her eyes water.
"I've always wanted the same for you too… Goodbye, Harvey"
It feels so definite, like a breakup, like she's losing him for good, even when he was never hers to lose, but they've been partners for so long, and she never thought she'd have to say goodbye to him. It's the right thing to do though, step aside so he can have a chance at moving on and she can too.
"Goodbye, Donna"
He kisses her forehead while fighting tears, and she can tell because she knows him too well, and just like that he lets her go, he turns around and doesn't look back, and she likes to think his heart won't allow him to go if he does, but it doesn't matter anymore because it's done.
It's time to move on.