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Jeongin was seriously stressed. What did he ever do to deserve this kind of treatment? After wracking his mind for minutes on end, he still couldn’t tell. The members had been ignoring Jeongin for quite some time now, a whole week. Jeongin tried to understand why this was happening. They were probably just too stressed with their upcoming comeback. Somehow, part of their title song got leaked, presumably by a suspicious producer they had never worked with before. His hyungs were ordered by the company to change their title song, or produce a new one. They ultimately chose to produce a new song for the album, so on top of their never-ending preparation schedules, they also had to produce one more song, which kept 3racha on their toes. Plus, their main choreographer left it up to Danceracha to create the main point of their dances and choreography for some of their b-sides as well. And finally, their vocal teacher tasked them with the assignment of honing their vocals to their best ability for this album. Jeongin had spent a lot of time with her after their group lessons, so Jeongin was basically meeting her expectations. Maybe that was the reason. It was easier to hate one collective person, especially when that someone was someone who was somehow perfect at everything. It was easy to get annoyed at people like that.
Jeongin opened his eyes lazily, expression still clouded with exhaustion. He faintly heard a muffled alarm go off from outside of his private room. He sighed, and gracefully arose from his bed as he ruffled his hair softly.
Here we go again. Another day of glares and upset faces.
Jeongin was sure he was ready to quit. But he worked too hard to get where he was, and he was not about to give his fame up because his group was ignoring him. Even if he wanted to cry every minute of every day, he would not sink into the hole of depression so many idols experience.
At least, that’s what Jeongin thought as soon as he realized the older members were ignoring him. It was a lot harder than it looked to pretend to be okay. Jeongin had never experienced something like this in his life, he was sort of proud of the fact that he didn’t know how to automatically fake a smile.
Jeongin grew up well because of his grandparents and he lived a very happy and full life until this moment. Jeongin loved his grandparents so much. Since his family was too busy working, Jeongin and his brothers were mostly raised by their grandparents in the countryside of Busan. Jeongin wasn’t a very emotional person in general, but he was the most emotional of his brothers. If anything ever happened to his family, he would always cry. Like when his younger brother fell as they were playing and scraped his knee, Jeongin started crying despite the fact that his younger brother wasn’t even crying. Or, when his father had an allergic reaction to the takeout they had and they had rushed him to the hospital, Jeongin was by his father’s side the whole time, softly crying in his middle school uniform. When Jeongin moved to Seoul, there was not one dry face at the bus station as his whole family went to see him off. Jeongin thought about that day a lot. It was the last time he ever saw his grandparents; of course, his family would update him on his grandparents conditions over the years, but it’s not like Jeongin didn’t miss his grandparents. Before he knew it, it had been six years since he debuted and he was missing his family greatly. Plus, his current situation wasn’t helping his homesickness.
It had been the eighth day the members ignored him when he got a call on his phone in the early hours of the morning. He groaned before picking his phone up and holding it to his ear.
“Hello?” He said groggily, sleep still apparent in his voice.
“Jeongin-ah.” His brother said from the other side of the phone, voice suspiciously somber.
That made Jeongin sit up in his bed.
“Hyung? What is it? Why do you sound so serious?” Jeongin lightly joked, trying to make light of this situation.
“Jeongin. Listen to me.”
Jeongin’s lips unintentionally curled down, before he nodded to himself.
“Okay, hyung. I’m listening.”
“Grandma died this morning. They said it was cardiac arrest while she was sleeping.”
Jeongin’s eyes widened as a horrible ringing started in his ears. Everything became muffled, his hyungs walking out of their rooms becoming dulled.
“What?”
Jeongin said unbelievingly, expecting his brother to be joking with him. A bad feeling rose in his lungs and settled uncomfortably in his chest.
“I’m sorry, Jeongin-ah. I wish it wasn’t like this either, I just–”
“I’m sorry, hyung. I have so much work to do. I’ll call you back.”
Jeongin hung up the phone and stood up from his bed. He opened his dresser to get his clothes for practice and quickly changed before packing his bag and leaving his room. He texted their manager and let them know that he was going to go to the company early to get some extra practice in. I’m sure his brother was just kidding. Playing a prank on him to bust on Jeongin’s chops. His brother would play cruel pranks like that, it had been a part of their dynamic growing up.
Jeongin quickly arrived at the company and quietly walked up to their group’s practice room, light still turned off. He turned the light on and quickly set his bag down in his usual corner before pulling out his phone and playing their title track into the speakers. He executed each move sharply, perfect for the concept of the song. He freestyle moves for the chorus he thought every member would be able to execute well and would fit the chorus perfectly. Maybe he could help Danceracha to come up with the key point for their dance; it seemed like it was a good idea. As he became lost in his thoughts about key points for their dances, he didn’t realize his song was set on autoplay and an old trot song started playing through the speakers.
A familiar melody flooded Jeongin’s ears as he slightly smiled.
Grandma loved this song. She would always dance along to it with grandpa.
A memory of his grandparents flashed through his mind as he smiled fondly. He remembered his grandma pulling him and his siblings in to dance with them as well, the boys laughing loudly as they danced with their grandparents.
Another memory of his grandma flashed through his mind, she was slightly smiling as tears rolled down her cheeks. That was the last day Jeongin saw them, when he left Busan. Of course, he visited his family on the breaks he got, which were usually just limited to one day so he couldn’t see much of his family because they were busy.
He thought back to the call he got not even an hour ago. Tears welled up in his eyes as his memories quickly overwhelmed him.
I don’t think hyung was lying to me. He wouldn’t lie about something like that.
He held his hand over his mouth in an attempt to hide the sobs rising in his throat. Tears fell down his cheeks before his phone vibrated in his pocket. He pulled it out, quickly drying his tears.
His brother texted him.
Jeongsan-hyung (<3)
The service is in four days. Here’s the address.
A link was provided underneath his text, and when Jeongin clicked it, it showed a map of where the funeral would take place. Tears fell on Jeongin’s phone screen as he couldn’t control himself, steady streaks of tears flowing down his cheek. He paused the music and stood up, running to a nearby bathroom. Once in the safety of the largest stall, Jeongin sobbed into his knees, heart aching underneath his chest.
After a few minutes, Jeongin composed himself, drying his tears and blowing his nose. He looked into the mirror of the bathroom, grimacing at the blotchiness of his nose and tear streaks down his face. He tried wiping them off of his cheeks, but to no avail as they wouldn’t wipe off at all. He hoped the others wouldn’t notice. He was pretty sure they wouldn’t; their ignoring him was starting to morph into ‘pretending like Jeongin didn’t exist at all’ in their minds. It hurt Jeongin, but that’s just how it went sometimes. People fought, fell out with each other, and never saw each other again. It happened to almost everyone, Jeongin guessed it was his turn. He tried to comfort himself, saying how this was meant to be. He wasn’t as close to the seven boys as he imagined himself to be. But, he knew better. His heart was connected to these boys since they first met.
Once Jeongin splashed water on his face and dried it, he left the bathroom and walked towards their practice room once more. He heard multiple muffled voices come from their practice room, and realized the others must be getting ready for practice. He gulped, putting a fake smile on his face and building up his courage.
Maybe I can tell Minho-hyung about my ideas for the key point of our title track.
He opened the door to their practice, and smiled as the older members turned to him. They all went back to what they were doing quickly, talking with another member or stretching on the ground. Jeongin gulpled silently before walking over to his Minho-hyung, who was talking his Hyunjin-hyung.
“Um, hyungs?” Jeongin said nervously, hoping they would at least hear what he had to say.
“Mmm, what is it Jeongin-ah?” Minho looked at the younger seriously.
“Well, I had a couple of ideas for the key point in our choreography if you haven’t already decided, and–”
“Oh, sorry, Jeongin-ah. We’re gonna stick with what we have now.” Hyunjin said as he was typing seriously on his phone.
“Oh…yeah. Of course, no problem. Good luck with the choregraphies, hyungs.” Jeongin smiled innocently at them before walking to the corner of the room, grabbing his water from his bag.
Then, their dance instructor came and spurred the boys into practice. Danceracha showed their choreography to the instructor, which she smiled widely and approved of. It was actually a somewhat complex move, at least for Jeongin to maneuver. He either kept using the wrong hand in the point choreography or his leg movements would be too harsh or too soft. It took Jeongin a while to get used to the move, to the point where the others were getting heavily annoyed at their maknae’s clumsiness. It was about an hour into their dance practice when one of them finally snapped.
“Okay, why can’t you get this Jeongin-ah?! It’s literally the simplest move in the world. You just go like this, and then like that. Why is this so hard for you?!” Hyunjin looked at the younger aggressively, head snapping and fists clenching.
Jeongin curled into himself as his lips quivered, a mixture of fear and sadness.
Great, now I’ve made Hyunjin-hyung upset. What’s wrong with me?
“I––I’m sorry, hyung. I just––” Jeongin mumbled, head hanging.
“What?! I can’t hear you, Jeongin-ah!” Hyunjin screamed as he slammed his fist against the wall of their practice room.
Jeongin flinched harshly, body clenching in on itself. He felt tears well up in his eyes.
“I’m sorry, hyung.” Jeongin said louder so Hyunjin wouldn’t scream again.
Hyunjin sighed as he rubbed in between his furrowed eyebrows.
“That’s better. Now, why can’t you get this?” Hyunjin put his hand on his hip as he glared at Jeongin.
Jeongin folded his hands together before sighing.
“I––I just…something happened and I feel bad about it– and I’m…just so sad–” Jeongin felt tears well up in his eyes as his lip quivered again.
“So you’re slowing us down because you feel sad? Jeongin, we’re idols. We’re professionals, we don’t let feeling sad drag our team down. You’re not acting like a pro idol, Jeongin. You should know better.”
Jeongin didn’t feel like a professional idol at all. Right now he felt like a little six-year-old Jeongin who was crying because he got scolded by his grandpa for not watching his little brother properly. Maybe Jeongin wasn’t cut out for this. There was always a part of him that doubted himself and his abilities. A part of him that wanted to run back to his grandparents farm on the outskirts of Busan. Suddenly, an idea came to Jeongin’s mind. An idea he would need to talk with his manager about.
“I’m sorry, hyung. I’ll snap out of it now.”
“Good. Now let’s get back to practice.”
They continued with their dance practice before their dance instructor released them, proud of the work they accomplished that day.
Jeongin exited behind the others, pulling out his phone and pulling up his manager’s phone number. He hesitated to click it, looking at his hyungs walking away from him as they were talking to each other.
They don’t care if you’re gone or not, Jeongin-ah. Just click the button.
The line rings, Jeongin putting his phone against his ear. His manager quickly picks up.
“Hey, Jeongin-ah, did you need–”
“Hyung, I’m going to retire.”
🖤
Jeongin packed his suitcase silently, memories of the past few days circling his mind.
Two days ago
“Hyung, I’m going to retire.”
“Huh? Jeongin-ah, I don’t think I heard that correctly. Can you say that one more time? You’re retiring? ”
“Yes, hyung. I can’t do this anymore.”
“What? Where did this come from? Wait, first. Are you at the company? Let’s talk about this face-to-face.”
“Okay, hyung. I’ll wait in the vocal studio on the third floor.”
Jeongin hung up the line, sighing before heading to the vocal studio. Jeongin never told anyone this, but he had struggled mentally this past year. He started having suicidal thoughts and he couldn’t bear to be seen by anyone. The fact that people perceived Jeongin through a different lens than he perceived himself was a concept Jeongin was still trying to wrap his head around. He felt like he was on the edge of an iceberg for this past year, and one catastrophic event would push him off and into the deep end of the sea of depression. And sadly, that catastrophic event finally came for Jeongin. He knew he colun’t be an idol like this, besides, why would people love you when you couldn’t even love yourself? Jeongin didn’t care about anything anymore, but at the same time he did. He cared about how his hyungs saw him. That was one thing that kept his feet on the ground. But even Jeongin’s screwed that up now. He has no reason to be here anymore.
Jeongin’s manager soon came into the vocal studio, shuttign the door behind him. Jeongin looked at his manager seriously, fiddling with his fingers in his lap. He held his head, ashamed his hyung had to see him like this.
“Jeongin-ah. Look at me.” His manager lifted up his chin to see Jeongin with the saddest expression on his face.
“Hyung…I can’t do this anymore. I need to go home.”
“What do you mean you can’t do this anymore? Why did you say you want to retire ?”
Jeongin felt tears well up in his eyes as his eyes stared down at the floor.
“I––It’s all too much for me, hyung. I can’t live like this anymore. And I–– I can’t miss my grandmother’s funeral service. I can’t, under any circumstances.”
“O–Okay, Jeongin-ah. We’ll give you a break, we’ll send you back to Busan for your grandmother’s funeral service. But please, don’t retire. You’re an important idol, you have millions of fans who love you. Just because your grandmother died doesn’t mean you’re selfish. You had a dream and you achieved it.”
“I can’t even remember why I first came to Seoul, hyung. Someone just said I looked like an idol and so I decided to come out here. This is draining the life out of me, hyung. I’ve never felt like a true idol. It’s all just–– it’s too heavy now. I can’t keep going like this. I’m going to lose my mind.”
“O–Okay, so we put you on hiatus. We talk to the company, we give you less schedules. Let’s think about this carefully, Jeongin-ah. I don’t want you to throw away your career on a whim because you’re homesick.”
“You know this is more than that, hyung. I have thought about this. For the past year, it’s all I’ve thought about. And now…I’m certain. Hyung, I’m done. I’m retiring for good. Now… if you’ll excuse me, I need to talk with PD-nim.”
Jeongin stood up from the chair he was in before opening the door of the vocal room, pulling out his phone so he could text his PD-nim.
Jeonginnie 🙂
PD-nim, I need to talk to you. Are you in your office?
JYP PD-Nim
Yeah, Jeongin-ah! Come on up!
Jeongin slid his phone in his pocket before heading to the elevator, pressing the floor his PD-nim was on. Once up there, he knocked on JYP’s door lightly before being told to enter. JYP slightly smiled at the maknae of Stray Kids, ushering him to sit on the chair behind JYP’s desk. Jeongin complied, sitting in front of JYP.
“Jeongin-ah, how have you been? Have you eaten yet? Should we order something?”
“No thank you, sir. I’m fine.” Jeongin looked at him with a serious expression on his face, hands folding in his lap.
“Okay, then. So, why did you want to talk to me?”
“Sir, please understand, I’ve thought about this for a very long time and have reached a conclusion that I think is necessary.”
JYP’s eyebrows furrowed silently in confusion as he nodded, a feeling of dread rising in his heart.
“Sir, I think I should permanently retire from Stray Kids.”
Jeongin looked at JYP seriously as a surprised expression painted the older man’s expression. JYP’s eyebrows furrowed up in sadness. He had seen the most potential from Jeongin, even when he was a trainee, so to hear this news now hurt him deeply.
“You’ve thought about this for a while, you say?”
“Yes, sir.”
JYP sighed through his nose and looked at his desk before pulling out a stack of papers.
“I see. Well first, I want to apologize our company couldn’t help you thrive in every situation, which led to this outcome. It’s always painful when someone so young, with so much potential feels like they aren’t thriving in their circumstances. I won’t try to change your mind or beg you to stay, but I want you to know it’s been a pleasure to manage you and mold you into the best possible version of yourself. Truly, Jeongin. You have been an amazing idol under us who has brought all of us so much joy. The K-POP community will miss you greatly, as will we. Here are the forms to terminate your contract early. They should be processed by tomorrow or the day after that, so you don’t have to worry about driving all the way back to Busan tonight.” He lightly joked, which made the younger smile sadly.
“Sir, I just want to say one thing. Thank you for trusting in me. For making me believe that I could be more than just ‘Jeongin from Busan,’ it truly means the world to me. You have been the best PD-nim anyone could ask for. Thank you so much for everything, sir.” Jeongin bowed to the older man, before turning back to the papers in front of him and signing the appropriate documents with a black pen. Once he finished, he smiled the tiniest smile he could manage, feeling bittersweet yet free all at once.
JYP walked around his desk, going to shake hands with the younger boy. They shook hands bittersweetly, Jeongin genuinely smiling for the first time in a long time. He left the office, and traveled to the first floor on the elevator, the doors opening to reveal a sad smile on his face. Jeongin smiled back, eyebrows furrowing up in happy guilt.
“PD-nim just texted me. Do you want me to drive you home?”
“No, it’s okay hyung. I feel like a walk. Oh. Um…are you going to tell the others?”
“Well, I kinda have to. Unless you want to.”
“Umm…”
Present Day
Well, it was time. Jeongin was going back home. But there was one problem. None of the others knew. Why did he agree to tell them? Jeongin felt like an idiot. But how could you tell your seven best friends that you were permanently leaving the group to go live a simple country life in Busan? Jeongin decided that he just wouldn’t. No harm in that. It’s not like they cared about him anymore anyway.
Jeongin finished packing all of his clothes into his second suitcase before he looked around his bare room. This was it. He would never see his seven hyungs ever again. He felt bittersweet, but did nothing to rid himself of the feeling. Jeongin felt like it was a good bittersweetness; the kind of bittersweetness you felt when you were leaving a part of yourself behind in your journey to become a better person. He put his large backpack on before pulling up the handles on his suitcases, one in each hand. He opened the door to his bedroom and clumsily clambered out of his room.
“Oh, Jeongin-ah, are you going on a trip?”
Jeongin looked up to see Han and Felix on their couch, watching TV.
“Uh, yeah. I’m um…I’m going back home. Goodbye Jisung-hyung, Felix-hyung.”
Jeongin walked through their hall and slipped his sneakers on.
“Bye, Jeongin-ah.” The twins said in unison before looking back at the TV.
He bit his lip and clicked the door open, not bothering to look back. He didn’t bother saying goodbye to his other four hyungs in the apartment next to theirs, he doubted they would even notice him anyway. He traveled to the first floor of their apartment building in the elevator and walked out to the parking lot where their manager was waiting. He stuffed his suitcases in the backseat of his manager’s regular car and put his backpack at his feet as he got in the front seat.
“You got everything?”
Jeongin nodded silently with a slight smile on his face.
“You said goodbye to everyone?”
Jeongin flinched before nodding, his smile turning to a slight frown.
“Okay then. Let’s head out!” His manager said excitedly, trying to hide his sadness.
Jeongin smiled widely, he knew what the older man was doing.
“Let’s go, hyung!” He pointed out the window with a large smile on his face. His manager inputted the directions into his phone before putting it in a holder and driving forward.
Before they knew it, the four hours had passed and they were in Busan. It was actually a pretty easy drive, only a few awkward moments in total. Jeongin was dropped off in front of his parent’s house, where most of his family were waiting outside with signs and banners, celebrating Jeongin’s return. Jeongin smiled widely, feeling the warmth of their love in their signs and wide smiles.
Jeongin brought his bags out before walking closer to his family. He was soon clambered into a big, warm group hug by his aunts, uncles, and immediate family. After they left the hug, Jeongin was almost knocked to the ground by his young cousins, to which he lightly groaned before smiling widely and picking all three of them up at once, swinging them around as they laughed loudly. He set them down, energy bouncing off of theirs. He turned around to pick up his bags before he noticed a lingering presence behind him. He fully turned around to see his manager behind him with a bittersweet expression on his face. He smiled sadly and sighed before walking closer to the older man.
“Hyung, I would love it if we stayed in touch. Is that possible?”
The older man nodded silently.
“Of course, Jeongin-ah. Don’t cause too much trouble over here, got it?” He ruffled Jeongin’s hair lightly, tone teasing the younger.
“Yeah, yeah, hyung.” He rolled his eyes before smiling widely at his hyung.
“Goodbye, hyung. Thanks for everything.” Jeongin tightly hugged the older man, the older man quickly hugging back.
“Of course, Jeongin-ah. I really will miss you.”
“Yeah. Oh, and make sure you tell the others what happened since I forgot, hehe,” Jeongin winked at the older before running into his family home quickly, escaping the wrath of his manager.
“What? Jeongin-ah, wait! Did you tell them? JEONGIN-AH!!” He stood confusedly as the younger boy ran into his family house. He stared at the house with wide eyes before shaking his head and laughing.
“What am I gonna do with that kid? Dammit, he gave me the hard job again!”
Their manager was not looking to the next thing he had to do after he drove back to Seoul.
💙
Jeongin quickly got settled back into his family’s house that day, sleeping in his old bedroom from his teenage years. Two days after Jeongin came home, they held his grandmother’s funeral service. Jeongin cried a lot that day, he didn’t bother to hold back since it was mostly his family paying respects to his grandmother. When seven young men in black suits came into the funeral hall, Jeongin was greatly surprised to say the least.
The seven men paid their respects to his grandmother before turning to Jeongin’s family. Jeongin quickly dried his tears, what were they even doing here anyway?
“Jeongin-ah, can we talk to you?” The group of seven men stood above the youngest awkwardly.
He clenched his fist and nodded, leading them to a private area of the funeral hall.
“What are you doing here?” He said defensively, crossing his arms over his chest.
“Why did manager-hyung say you’re retiring?” Minho questioned back, also crossing his arms over his chest.
“I asked first.”
“We’re sorry, Jeongin-ah. We heard from manager-hyung. Is it something we did? If so, how can we fix it?” Chan questioned emotionally, looking at the younger with a pitiful expression on his face.
Jeongin looked at the floor, hesitant to answer his questions.
“Well…know it’s not 100% your guys’ fault. I’ve…been thinking about this for a while.”
They all stood in silence, they couldn’t believe their maknae’s words. How long had he been thinking about it before actually going through with this?
“And– there’s…there’s no way we can change your mind about this?” Hyunjin spoke, the weight of the situation weighing heavily on his shoulders.
“No, hyung. There isn’t. I haven’t been happy for a while now. But…I deserve to be. And I know I’m happy when I’m out here.”
They all looked at their maknae sadly, some with tears welling up in their eyes. Jeongin smiled sadly at them, feeling a painful form of bittersweetness rising in him.
“I’m sorry, hyungs. But…I can’t tell you the last time I felt like this. I’m finally happy again. I’m not going back, hyungs. I’m sorry, but that’s just how it is.”
“No, Jeongin-ah. We’re sorry too. We never wanted you to feel so bad you’d think about leaving. We’ve failed you as hyungs. Can you ever forgive us?” Chan said as his eyes sparkled with unshed tears.
Jeongin nodded softly, “Of course, hyungs. I still love all of you the same. Nothing will ever change that.”
They all enveloped their maknae in a group hug, warmth radiating between each body.
Soon, the seven boys left, packing into their manager’s large van as they made the hike up to Seoul once more.
After the funeral, Jeongin drove with his mom and grandpa to the outskirts of Busan, where his grandparent’s farm resided. He rolled his bags into the house, which was only about an hour away from his parent’s. He unpacked his bags in the old room him and his brothers used to share when they were growing up, memories flowing through his mind beautifully.
“Jeongin-ah! Come help me with the sweet potatoes!” His grandpa yelled from the other side of the house, Jeongin presumed he was outside. He quickly ran to help his grandpa, grabbing a basket to help collect the food.
As soon as he stepped out of the house, he was met with a beautiful sunset. He smiled widely, remembering how his grandmother loved sunsets. Yeah, he’d be just okay.
Fin