Archive of Our Own

Beomgyu opened his eyes silently, sleepiness still evident in his expression. He rubbed his eyes, trying to rid himself of his sleepiness, but to no avail. He was always tired these days, no matter how much sleep he got. Beomgyu hated his narcolepsy. It had only been a few days since he was diagnosed; Beomgyu wanted to cry when he got the news. It’s not like narcolepsy was curable, just treatable with medicine. But even medicine had it’s limits; for example, since Beomgyu was diagnosed with type 1 narcolepsy, also known as narcolepsy with cataplexy attacks (which were when his muscles tensed and he collapsed when he felt extreme emotions), his medicine couldn’t help with his cataplexy attacks at all. It could only prevent him from falling asleep during the day, but that didn’t mean he didn’t feel tired. His mind was thinking so much he couldn’t fall asleep, but somehow he was still tired. How did that even make sense? 

Beomgyu didn’t feel good. He was stuck in the middle of a dilemma. It was the fifth day he was taking his medicine for his narcolepsy, but Beomgyu couldn’t move from his bed. He had to go, he had a schedule in literally twenty minutes. His medicine made his anxiety go into overdrive. One of the undesirable side effects of it, he guessed. He didn’t do a lot of research on his medicine, he was busy enough dealing with his diagnosis. Most people didn’t know this, but insomnia is actually a very common symptom of narcolepsy. Sounds unbelievable, right? Beomgyu couldn’t believe it himself. But, sure as anything, Naver was always right. Beomgyu couldn’t sleep last night, not for any particular reason though, he just couldn’t stop scrolling through social media. 

It had been exactly two days since his first cataplexy attack. He was talking with one of their producers about a song he created, and the producer was known for having a funny sense of humor, so Beomgyu laughed at the man’s remarks a lot. He had known the man for over five years now, so he enjoyed spending time with him greatly. Beomgyu laughed at the man’s joke, body immediately tensing up as Beomgyu closed his eyes. Luckily, he was in a chair, so there were no immediate consequences of the attack. Just because he was in a chair didn’t mean it wasn’t any less scary though; not being in control of your body was definitely not like Beomgyu thought it would be. Here’s what he thought it’d be like: He’d laugh. His muscles would feel weird. Then he’d go back to doing what he was doing and everything would be okay. He didn’t tell the others about his attack though. He didn’t want them to worry. It’s not like they signed up to take care of Beomgyu, they’re here because they had a dream to perform to people. Beomgyu was an independent person by nature, thus, he wanted to deal with his own problems by himself (even if he knew that was impossible, he still tried). 

Beomgyu didn’t think there’d be any consequences to dealing with his multiple cataplexy attacks by himself, but boy could he be wrong. Now, here he was, ten minutes from leaving for their schedule and still in his bed not moving. He had a cataplexy attack about twelve minutes ago which stemmed from a panic attack he had a couple of minutes before. The effects of his cataplexy attack was finally wearing off, and Beomgyu relieved greatly. He heard a knock on the door, and before he could answer, the person entered his room hurriedly. 

“Beomgyu-ah, are you ready yet? We–” Soobin froze as he noticed the younger still in his bed, looking at Soobin nervously. 

“You okay?” Soobin walked closer to the younger’s bed. 

“U–Um…yeah. I just feel…kinda weird, hyung. Can you help me up?” Beomgyu said shyly, slightly smiling at his hyung. 

“Yeah, of course, Beomgyu-ah. Do you have everything you need for practice?” Soobin grabbed Beomgyu’s hand as he lifted the younger boy up, looking around his room for a bag. 

“No, hyung. I forgot to pack it. It’s in my closet, can you go get it?” 

Soobin nodded as he went to Beomgyu’s closet, grabbing his backpack for practice. 

“Thanks hyung, I’ll get ready now.” 

Soobin nodded and left his room, smiling to the younger.

Beomgyu shakily got up and went to his dresser, legs still numb from his cataplexy attack. He shakily dressed himself, a mixture of nerves and leftover numbness flowing through him steadily. After changing into his clothes for practice, he quickly packed his bag, all numbness completely leaving his body. Once he finished, he left his room to grab a water bottle from their fridge. The rest of his group were traveling through different rooms in the dorm, hurriedly getting ready for their practice. Beomgyu rushed to their bathroom, knocking on the door before entering, frankly not caring if someone else was in there. It wasn’t like this was the first time Beomgyu had seen one of his members naked. Kai was brushing his teeth, eyes just as tired as Beomgyu’s. The older smiled, before ruffling Kai’s hair and grabbing his toothbrush. He quickly brushed his teeth, tiredness flowing through his body once more as he closed his eyes. His head bobbed up and down, eyes closed and toothbrush still in his mouth. Kai tapped Beomgyu on the face lightly, used to this routine whenever they brushed teeth together. 

Beomgyu flinched awake, eyes focusing on the mirror in front of him again. He sighed before continuing to brush his teeth, quickly spitting out his toothpaste. He gargled water in his mouth before spitting it out and leaving the bathroom. He went to their front door and tied his shoelaces on his sneakers before turning back around, looking at his Soobin-hyung who just came out of his room. 

“All right guys, you have 1 minute to finish up! Beomgyu and I are already ready, and Beomgyu just woke up!” Soobin winked at the younger, which made Beomgyu smirk. 

“Beomgyu-hyung isn’t human, Soobin-hyung, that isn’t fair!” Hueningkai said from the bathroom, probably fixing his hair. 

Beomgyu lightly mocked the younger, speaking the same line in a mocking tone with a weird expression on his face. He stood up sulkingly, tapping his foot and crossing his arms over his chest. He was starting to get impatient, feeling like he would fall asleep at any moment if he kept on waiting. 

“I can’t take this. I’m going to the van first, let the others know.” Beomgyu put his backpack on and opened their door, stretching as he made his way down to the elevator. He clambered into the back of his manager’s van, right by the window, which was his favorite spot. As soon as he sat down, his eyes closed and he immediately drifted off to sleep, leaning against the window. He didn’t wake up when the others clambered in, a lot louder than Beomgyu. 

When they got to the company, Yeonjun woke Beomgyu up. The younger clambered out of the van tiredly, blinking slowly. He doesn’t really remember walking up to their practice room, but before he knew it they were up there, stretching and getting ready for their dance practice. 

They had just finished the choreography for their upcoming title track and were taking a break, laughing with each other, when Beomgyu felt strange again. His skin became prickly and his fingers started slightly shaking. He was having another cataplexy attack. 

No. Not here. Please, not in front of everyone. 

Beomgyu shakily put his water bottle down, trying to control his cataplexy attack. Suddenly, his muscles immediately tensed up and Beomgyu’s face scrunched in anticipation. His legs gave out on him, he started falling to the ground without any warning. He tried reaching out to hold onto one of his members, but his eyes closed before he fully held onto something and he collapsed back on the cold hardwood floor. 

“Beomgyu-ah? Beomgyu-ah!!” Soobin went to grab the younger’s hand, in an attempt to grab him, but he was too late. The younger collapsed onto the floor and collided his head harshly on the hard wood. 

The four boys stood in shock at the boy on the ground. Soobin lightly shook as tears welled up in his eyes. A liquid started to pour out from the boy’s head, to which all four boys simultaneously flinched. 

“I’ll go get paper towels…” Kai said from Soobin’s side, quickly running to the closest bathroom. 

Soobin walked closer to Beomgyu with wide eyes, body shaking heavily. Where’s the thick liquid coming from? Beomgyu didn’t have any cuts on his face, or anywhere else on his body for that matter. So why was a thick, red liquid staining into the cracks of their practice room?

“I’ll go get our manager.” Yeonjun shakily walked past the two, quick on his feet. 

And so, there were three.

“I––I’m going to call an ambulance.” Taehyun said as he pulled out his phone shakily, not registering the current image of his Soobin-hyung cradling Beomgyu’s face lightly.

“Beomgyu-ah. Can you hear me? Hey, what happened? Did you fall asleep again?” Soobin said shakily, not believing the image before him. 

He continued, “Yeah. Yeah, you just fell asleep again. You’re gonna wake up soon, right Beomgyu-ah? Right. That’s it. You’re okay.” Soobin’s hands picked up the younger’s head, but didn’t register the sticky feeling coating them silently. He laid Beomgyu’s head on his lap and patted his hair carefully as he patiently waited for the younger to wake up. 

Everything fell between the two best friends, Soobin didn’t hear Kai come back with paper towels, or Yeonjun run back in with their manager. Suddenly, Soobin was being pulled away from Beomgyu by his Yeonjun-hyung ad Kai went to dry the blood spreading from the back of Beomgyu’s head. 

“H–hyung, what are you doing? It’s fine, Beomgyu just fell asleep. He’s just sleeping, hyung. It’s fine. I can comfort him, I’ll be there for him, hyung–” 

Soobin was cut off as Yeonjun hugged him tightly. Soobin didn’t notice this before, but his Yeonjun-hyung was shaking as well. 

“It’s okay, Soobin. Let it out.” 

Tears streamed down Soobin’s face, and the taller of the two wiped them from his cheeks silently, but more started to come out. Soobin’s heart shook achingly in his chest as the weight of the situation crushed him. He shakily brought his arms around his Yeonjun-hyung’s as he hugged him back, sobs starting to form in his throat. Finally, he fully broke down in his Yeonjun-hyung’s arms, melting into the older’s smaller frame. 

💙

Soon, the ambulance Taehyun called whisked Beomgyu away, taking their manager with them. The boys called a taxi to drive them to the hospital as well, uncomfortably sitting in silence as the driver came closer to the hospital. 

They all clambered in quickly, heartbeats picking up and eyes sparkling with unshed tears. They all crowded around their manager in the private section of the hospital, lips shaking emotionally and arms crossed over their chests. 

“Hyung, is Beomgyu-hyung okay?” Kai said worriedly, voice shaking. 

Their manager looked at each of them with a serious expression on his face. 

“He lost a lot of blood. They took him into surgery because he needs multiple stitches, and they’re pretty sure he has a concussion. I don’t know when he’ll be out, but he needs a lot of rest. I spoke to the CEO as well…I’m sorry but we have to push back your comeback date guys.” 

“We understand, hyung. That’s the least of our concerns right now. How long will Beomgyu-hyung have to stay here?” Taehyun composed him qucker than the others, blinking back his unshed tears. 

“Well…once he gets out of surgery, they want to keep him here a couple of days to make sure he doesn’t get an infection.” 

Soobin closed his eyes bitterly, silent tears flowing out of his eyes as he bit his shaking lip. 

“Guardian of Choi Beomgyu? He’s out of surgery, you can see him now. We put him in a private room as you requested. Um…who are these people?” The nurse turned to the group with a questioning expression. 

“Um…they’re, um. They’re Choi Beomgyu’s brothers. Yeah.” Their manager nodded to the nurse, trying to convince her of the statement. She looked at him silently, expression questioning him. She nodded before ushering them to follow her. The silently followed her to the private section of the hospital where Beomgyu was residing. Finally, the time came, and their manager opened the door to Beomgyu’s private room. 

They all walked in silently, uncomfortableness flowing through each one of them. Soobin walked closer to the boy in the bed, immediately noticing the bandage wrapped around the boy’s fluffy brown hair. Soobin’s heart clenched in pain as more tears welled up in my eyes. He grabbed a nearby chair and pulled it up to Beomgyu’s bed as he sat down in it. He grabbed the younger’s hand gently, biting his lip silently. 

“I’m sorry, Beomgyu. This is all my fault…if only I–– if only I caught you––” Soobin held Beomgyu’s hand closer to quivering lips, head ducking as more tears fell from his eyes. 

He felt a grounding hand touch his shoulder, to which he turned around sadly. 

“It’s not your fault, Soobin. This wouldn’t have happened if we looked out for him better.” Yeonjun said emotionally, ashamed he didn’t notice the signs in his younger brother either. 

They all stood in awkward silence, what was this feeling they were all collectively feeling? Grief? Sadness? Anger? They had a right to feel angry. Beomgyu didn’t tell them his chronic illness could make them fall into a situation like this. They didn’t do much research–– Beomgyu told them not to worry about it since it was something he experienced and something he had to deal with. They just thought Beomgyu would fall asleep whenever they had a break between their schedules and be good as new. In this current moment, they all felt extremely worried, but also mad at the same time. They never thought Beomgyu would be in danger because of this. They all started to become angrier, why didn’t Beomgyu tell them about something as important as this? 

As they became lost in their thoughts, they didn’t see the boy on the bed stirring awake. Beomgyu groaned lightly, head pounding as he opened his eyes. He immediately noticed the others, some with tears in their eyes and others with worried expressions on their faces and immediately felt guilty. He closed his eyes once again, sleep clouding his mind once more. A single tear fell from Beomgyu’s eye right before he fully drifted into unconsciousness. 

The others sighed, deciding to talk to Beomgyu when he woke up again. Soobin turned back around to the younger, noticing the stray tear on his cheek. His heart squeezed in pain before he grabbed a tissue and dried it. 

“Come on, guys. Let’s let him get some rest. I’ll let you know when he wakes up, got it?” Their manager stood up and collected the boys from their different spots in their room as he ushered them out. They left without much fess, not knowing if they should see Beomgyu in his current state. 

Their manager sighed once they were out of the room, glad the tense atmosphere had dissipated. He had known these boys since they were trainees, and while they did fight from time to time, they never let it affect their dynamic. He was always worried they would seriously fight one day, and he guessed that time came (even thought they didn’t actually fight, he could sense their tense attitudes as they were frustrated over the situation). He hoped sending them off would help them cool down. He definitely didn’t want them to lash out at Beomgyu either, especially when he didn’t do anything to deserve it. He knew each boy was processing Beomgyu’s narcolepsy in their own way, but he knew one fact that most people didn’t. Living with a chronic illness is so much worse than just helping a person with a chronic illness. His younger brother had been born with a chronic illness similar to Beomgyu’s–– syncope, where he suddenly passed out at random moments. He took care of his brother from an early age, they were only five years apart so he learned how to take care of his brother when he was around ten years old. His brother lead a very difficult life because of his syncope, and he could only imagine how Beomgyu’s life was just as hard. The thing most people didn’t understand about chronic illnesses was that, even if the illness was invisible to the eye, the person with the illness was always affected by it, 24/7, 365 days a year. Just because someone was diagnosed with something and could receive treatment, didn’t mean it made their life easier at all. Just because people couldn’t see it, didn’t mean the person with the chronic illness was suffering any less. 

Their manager walked over to the boy on the bed, sitting on the chair still next to his bed before sighing heavily. 

“Aigoo…our poor Beomgyu. What have you gotten yourself into? Everyone’s worried now… so make sure to wake up soon, okay?” He cradled the sleeping boy’s face carefully, slightly smiling. 

Beomgyu immediately awoke upon feeling a warm hand touch his face, his eyes opening as his forehead immediately started pounding again. He groaned loudly, bringing his arm up to soothe it. He felt a strange material on his forehead, tight but not crushing. He turned to look at his manager, still tired. 

“How are you feeling, Beomgyu-ah?” Their manager said lightly, slightly smiling. 

Beomgyu lightly groaned, mouth still numb from the aftereffects of his cataplectic attack. 

“Tired…hyung, where am I? What’s…what’s on my head?” Beomgyu whispered, edged with sleepiness. 

“You’re in the hospital, Beomgyu-ah. Do you remember what happened?” 

“Hmm…well. We were in our practice room…taking a break. And then…oh. I had a cataplexy attack.” Beomgyu looked sullen as he bit his lip. 

The others have to know now. What am I going to do? 

“Oh, I see. The others thought you just fell asleep randomly during practice. So it was a cataplexy attack, huh…oh. Still, how are you feeling now?” 

“Mmm. Mostly tired, but my head hurts a lot.” 

“They said you have a minor concussion. I’ll ask if they have any painkillers.” 

“Thanks, hyung.” Beomgyu slightly smiled at the older man before continuing. “Do you know where the others are? I should talk to them.” Beomgyu looked guiltily into his lap, nerves starting to rise. 

“Oh…um. I sent them away for now. They were…pretty shaken up by what happened. I’m gonna call them back right now though, so don’t worry.” 

“Um…thanks, hyung. I’m gonna get some sleep before they come back again.” Beomgyu figured it was better to get it over with sooner rather than later, and potentially harm his relationship with his four best friends further. 

💙

When Beomgyu woke back up, his four best friends were scattered around the room, looking at their phone or talking to someone else. No one was beside Beomgyu’s bedside though, which surprised him greatly. Usually, their leader was by a member’s bedside if the member was sick or in the hospital. But this time, their leader was on the couch in Beomgyu’s room, scrolling through his phone. 

Beomgyu reached his hand out silently, wishing his leader would hold it and tell him everything would be okay. Kai immediately noticed, and nudged Soobin’s shoulder before the older of the pair looked towards Beomgyu’s bed. Soobin had a hesitant expression, but went to sit next to the younger boy. He didn’t grab Beomgyu’s hand though, just sat beside his bed. 

Beomgyu noticed the hesitant expression on the older’s face, and his eyebrows furrowed up in worry as his heart sank to his stomach. They were mad. 

“Beomgyu-ah. How do you feel?” Soobin said with a tired expression on his face and neutral tone in his voice. 

“I’m okay. I’m sorry guys.” Beomgyu turned away from Soobin, sullen expression on his face. 

“You think a simple apology can fix this?” Yeonjun mumbled, but said loud enough so everyone in the room could hear him. 

Beomgyu looked at his Yeonjun-hyung with a hurt expression. It’s not like he planned for this to happen. Wait, why was this situation even happening? Beomgyu was the one in the hospital bed, why should he even apologize to them? 

“What? Hyung, I–” 

“You could’ve died, Beomgyu! What were you thinking, not telling us something as important as this?” Yeonjun yelled gruffly, voice edged with anger. 

Tears welled up in Beomgyu’s eyes as he flinched in his hospital bed, surprised at Yeonjun’s volume. He lightly started shaking, defensiveness and fear flowing through his body. 

“Why are you yelling at me, hyung! Do you know how terrifying it is to not be in control of your body? I’m terrified something is going to happen and I hurt one of you with my falls! You have no idea what I’m going through, so don’t act like you can relate to me! I’m so tired, every single day, and I’m fighting to stay awake every minute of every day! And I hate this so much. I hate it so much I want to die. But I get up. Every single morning and push myself so you guys think I’m okay! Well, news flash. I’m not okay. I never will be okay. And you have to accept that. I know it’s hard for you guys and you’re processing this however you guys need to; but you can’t just expect me to be okay every single minute of every day. This is an illness guys. Something I have to carry for the rest of my life. And––and I know it’s hard, and you guys are worried. But it’s my illness. Something I deal with every single day. So, yeah. I’m not okay. But I’m learning to live with it, because that’s the best thing I can do. And all I’m asking is that you guys understand that it’s just as hard for me as it is for you. And I didn’t want to worry you guys more because your nervous glares are already enough to bear. I didn’t want you to worry because I love you guys and you made me feel like an outsider because of this. Sure, life is hard for me. But its one million times harder when you guys treat me differently than how you used to.” 

Beomgyu heavily cried, voice cracking at the end of his sentences as his sinuses stuffed with snot. He held his head, body shaking as he closed his eyes. He didn’t mean to go into the semantics and stress he had felt from the others for the past week, but he couldn’t go back anymore. 

“Beomgyu-hyung––” Kai said softly, voice careful so as not to upset the older man more. 

“Get out.” Beomgyu mumbled from his lap, he couldn’t bear to look up. 

“Wha––” 

“Get out. Right now. I don’t want to see anyone.” Beomgyu raised his voice so the others could hear clearly, head lifting as he revealed the most heartbroken expression on his face. The four boys flinched before nodding, silently leaving the room one after another. 

Beomgyu sighed heavily, tensed body immediately relaxing as he fell deeper into his hospital bed. After the boys left, he turned his head and immediately fell asleep, tiredness taking over his body. 

🩵

They all screwed up big time. They knew as soon as Beomgyu started yelling. The middle-child of their group rarely seriously yelled at them outside of their schedules, usually it was a fun yell as he was playing with another member or he yelled when someone was annoying him. This was serious, they knew all too well. The last time Beomgyu seriously yelled at them like that, they were all trainees. Soobin and Yeonjun were teasing Beomgyu because he ranked last on their weekly evaluations. Beomgyu ended up crying that time too, he was having a rough time in general and broke when his hyungs teased him about his evaluation. Just like this time, they knew they went too far and hurt Beomgyu with their words (even if they were playfully teasing with him). 

They didn’t even realize Beomgyu noticed their stares of concern that started ever since he got his diagnosis. Or the fact that he knew exactly what they were thinking whenever they looked at him. He’s okay…right? Every second of every day that’s what they thought of when they stared at Beomgyu. 

For the first time in the past few years, Yeonjun felt like he was going to break down over the situation. He was undoubtedly one of the strongest members of his group, considering he was the oldest, it was a good strength to have. But the thought that he was the catalyst for Beomgyu’s first big outburst since they debuted? Yeonjun couldn’t take it. Yeonjun already began crying before he left the room, and the tears wouldn’t stop once they fully exited Beomgyu’s room. 

“W–Why did I say that? Why didn’t I just ask if he was okay? What if Beomgyu hates me now, Soobin-ah? I don’t think I could bear that…” Yeonjun mumbled, mostly to himself, but the others still heard him, tears falling onto his hands.

“He could never hate you, Yeonjun-hyung. I’m sure he just needs time to blow some steam off. In the meantime, let’s figure out how we should apologize to him. We may not have said anything, but we’re just as guilty Yeonjun-hyung. We screwed up, I admit it. But, we’re gonna make this right for Beomgyu. That’s what matters the most right now.” 

They all nodded silently, before calling their manager so he could pick them up. 

🩵

Soobin’s gears were grinding in his mind. What could he do to show Beomgyu they still loved him just as much as they did before he was diagnosed? The younger was obviously upset at all of them and didn’t want to see them. Soobin was conflicted. What was he even doing anymore? He didn’t feel much like a leader anymore. One of his members was literally in the hospital, and here he was, sitting on their couch trying to wrap his head around this situation. This didn’t feel right to Soobin. 

Soobin sat on the couch, not paying attention to the TV at all, just letting it play as he silently thought about how he could apologize to his younger brother up while in the hospital. He definitely didn’t want all of them there at once, that would only overwhelm Beomgyu. But last he checked, Beomgyu didn’t want to see any of them. Soobin wanted to see Beomgyu though; actually, it was more like he needed to see Beomgyu. Why? Maybe to ease his heart. 

Soobin pulled out his phone and opened the Kakaotalk app so he could text Beomgyu. 

Soobeanie-hyung <3 [10:03 am]

Hey, Beomgyu-ah…can I talk to you? 

Beomie-bear ;) [10:24 am]

What do you want hyung? 

Soobeanie-hyung <3 [10:26 am]

I want to apologize to you. Can I come over to the hospital? 

Beomie-bear ;) [10:30 am]

…

Okay. But don’t bring anyone else.

Soobeanie-hyung <3 [10:32 am]

Of course. I’ll be there as soon as I can!

Soobin called a taxi and soon left from their dorm, anticipating his meeting with the younger boy. When he arrived, he silently made his way up to Beomgyu’s room, nerves building up in his throat. Finally, he reached Beomgyu’s room in the private wing and hesitated as he reached for the door knob. He sighed, before fully reaching for the door knob and opening the door. He immediately met Beomgyu’s tired eyes from across the room and his expression immediately twisted into a painful one. 

He walked closer to the boy on the hospital bed and silently sat next to his bedside with a guilty expression on his face. Beomgyu stared at him with just as serious expression before turning away from the older, not wanting to release his anger again. While Soobin was guilty of mainly making him feel like an outsider this past week, he knew the older just did it out of worry for the younger. He still loved Beomgyu all the same after he received his diagnosis, it might have even doubled as his empathetic nature made him feel for the boy one hundred times more.

Soobin fiddled nervously with his fingers, looking down into his lap as he tried to make his words tangible. His heart-shaped lips opened and closed silently, not even knowing where to start. 

Soobin sighed, deciding to just truly speak his feelings to the younger boy. 

“I–– I don’t even know where to start. This whole situation is all of my fault, but I didn’t do anything to help. I only made it worse. I–– I don’t even know how I can apologize to you.” Soobin held Beomgyu’s hands lightly and knelt on the floor as tears welled up in my eyes. 

“I’m so sorry Beomgyu. I never meant to make you feel like an outsider. It’s the last thing I wanted to do. I just–– I couldn’t stop worrying about you after your diagnosis. And–– this isn’t an excuse at all. But, I just wanted to be there for you, no matter what. It’s–– it’s been difficult for me to process all of this, but…I promise. I’ll never make you feel like an outsider again. I’m so sorry, Beomgyu.” 

Beomgyu looked at Soobin with tired eyes. He settled down now, it was okay. He wouldn’t lash out again. Beomgyu’s hands clenched in Soobin’s hold, and that’s what caused the older man to look at Beomgyu again. 

Beomgyu looked at Soobin with a serious expression on his face before softly smiling. 

“I forgive you, Soobin-hyung. Thank you for your apology.” Beomgyu smiled widely as tears sparkled in his eyes. 

Soobin widely smiled as tears fell from his eyes. He sat back on the chair behind him and moved closer to Beomgyu’s bed. 

“Thank you, Beomgyu-ah. I promise I’ll make it up to you however I can.” 

Beomgyu smiled silently, cheeks warming up knowing Soobin meant every word. 

🩵

Soobin and Beomgyu talked for a while after that, about any and everything they could think of. Except, well, the members. Beomgyu didn’t want to remember the scene he caused earlier; it was already embarrassing enough he cried about it, but the fact that his outburst had stemmed from the stress he felt for the past couple of days? Beomgyu frankly wanted to die when he saw the hurt expressions on each of their faces as they left his room. 

He knew eventually he’d need to see them again, if he had a choice, he would rather talk about this with them quickly and make them happy again before he headed home. He frankly didn’t know how he felt anymore, he barely felt anything when he thought of his members. Don’t get him wrong–– he still loved all of them just the same, but his feelings of anger from earlier completely dissipated. In fact, he felt guilty for reacting that way. He never wanted to add fuel to the fire, but he was bitter, and tired, and angry. Now it was too late. If he was being completely honest with himself, he wasn’t even mad at his Yeonjun-hyung; his anger died as soon as he caught a glimpse of his Yeonjun-hyung’s tears as he left Beomgyu’ hospital room. 

But, just because Beomgyu wasn’t mad anymore didn’t mean he didn’t want to see the others quite yet. In all truth, he was quite nervous to see the others again. What would they think of him? Would they scoff their heads and tell him he had no right to yell at them like that? What if they hated him? Beomgyu didn’t know if he could take that. He’d rather die than have his best friends hate him. Beomgyu was so conflicted. He was dying to see his three other brothers, but at the same time he wasn’t. He just wanted to curl up in his blanket and hide forever. His thoughts wouldn’t stop running around his head that night, realizing he needed to talk to his Soobin-hyung when he came over tomorrow morning. 

The next morning came, and Beomgyu’s headache came back with a vengeance. He pressed the call nurse button and requested more high-dose painkillers for his headache. Beomgyu was surprised that his painkillers managed to keep him awake–– and the fact that he was less tired than usual was a nice reprieve for Beomgyu. Soobin came a while after Beomgyu woke up–– after hours of begging their manager for the next couple of days off so he could take care of Beomgyu in the hospital he was granted his wish by their company, much to the older boy’s relief. 

Beomgyu sighed, nervousness rising in his chest. 

Just do it. Just ask Soobin-hyung. It won’t hurt. 

“S–Soobin-hyung. Can I ask you a question?” 

Soobin hummed, not looking up from the apple he was cutting for Beomgyu. Beomgyu bit his lip, fiddling with his fingers. 

“D––Do you think the others hate me?” 

Soobin finished cutting the apple and put the slices on a plate before he looked at Beomgyu with furrowed eyebrows. 

“What? Beomgyu-ah, why would you think that?” 

“B–because…I just yelled at them yesterday for no good reason. They probably think I’m horrible– yelling at Yeonjun-hyung like that. I–I really hope they don’t hate me. I don’t know what I’d do if–” Tears welled up in Beomgyu’s eyes as he looked at his lap quietly. Soobin immediately grabbed his hands and lifted Beomgyu’s chin so the younger would look him in the eyes. 

“They could never hate you, Beomgyu-ah. I’m sure of it. In fact, they all asked me how you were after I came back last night. They’re just worried, Beomgyu-ah. They all still love you… it’s just. You know. It’s difficult for us to exactly…come to terms with this whole situation. I know it’s been just as hard for you to understand this as much as us. But– we can’t help but get scared for you. It’s because we love you, Beomgyu-ah.” 

Soobin smiled widely at the younger boy, who was crying silently at this point. Beomgyu looked down at his lap sadly, drying the tears in his eyes. 

“I need to see the others.” He said emotionally, voice shaking lightly. He looked at Soobin with pleading eyes, silently asking him.

“I understand, Beomgyu-ah. I’m pretty sure Yeonjun-hyung and Kai are busy right now, but I’ll text them just in case.” 

Beomgyu nodded and smiled widely at his Soobin-hyung. Soobin pulled out his phone and texted everyone in their group chat since it would be easier than contacting them individually. Unlike usual, Taehyun immediately replied to Soobin’s message. 

Soobin [the best leader ever <3] [9:45 am]

Hey guys. Just thought I should let you know, Beomgyu said he wants to see you guys again. Let us know when you can come over. 

Taehyunnie the wizard 😀 [9:47 am]

I’m available hyung. I’ll head over to the hospital right now. 

Soobin slightly smiled as he looked up from his phone to see Beomgyu on his phone as well, probably looking at the text. Beomgyu showed Soobin a tiny smile, to which the older smiled back. 

When Taehyun arrived, he ran up to Beomgyu’s room with an exhausted expression and sweat elevating his beautiful barefaced visuals. Beomgyu immediately noticed the bags under his eyes, for some reason they looked deeper than they usually did. Beomgyu slightly smiled when his eyes met Taehyun’s– heart warming upon seeing the younger boy. 

Soobin stood up from his seat next to Beomgyu’s bedside as he smiled to both of his younger brothers. 

“I’m gonna go get us all some breakfast. Is there anything in particular you want, Beomgyu-ah?” Soobin smiled lightly at Beomgyu as he grabbed his wallet from his bag. 

“Hmm…if they have any mango pastries can you get that? If they don’t any strawberry thing is fine. Thanks hyung.” Beomgyu genuinely smiled at Soobin as the older nodded, making a mental note in his head of Beomgyu’s request. 

“Taehyun-ah? Want anything?” 

“N–no, hyung. It’s okay. I ate breakfast earlier.” Taehyun says to Soobin as he walks closer to the door, so the older boy nods silently before heading out. 

Taehyun walks closer to Beomgyu’s bed silently, awkwardly fiddling his fingers. It was obvious to the older that he was trying to apologize, but he didn’t know how. Beomgyu’s never fought with Taehyun before; and while Beomgyu’s outburst was directed at all of them, he didn’t think it exactly applied to Taehyun. The younger boy had really just been awkward with Beomgyu for the past few days, not knowing what to do around the older boy. While it only added to the little voice that told Beomgyu he wasn’t welcome in his own team, he never blamed Taehyun for it. He never blamed anyone for thinking the way they did after his diagnosis, he was just in the process of understanding his life would never be the same because of this when he yelled at them. His life would pose many challenges from here on out, but Beomgyu was sure he could live with it, or, more like he was determined to take it one step at a time. 

Beomgyu smiled at the boy, and ushered the younger boy closer to him. Taehyun walked forward, albeit hesitatingly, fiddling with his fingers before sitting next to Beomgyu’s bedside. Beomgyu looked at Taehyun with a serious expression, the younger’s head was downtrodden, looking at his lap silently. Beomgyu smiled widely and lifted up the boy’s chin so he could face him clearly. A glassy film covered Taehyun’s brown boba eyes as his lips curled downwards in an unintentional pout. Beomgyu dried the tear that flowed out of Taehyun’s eye silently as he looked at the younger with an understanding expression. 

“Beomgyu-hyung, I–” Taehyun whispered, emotions overwhelming him. Beomgyu shook his head silently. 

“I’m sorry. I never meant to yell at all of you like that. I was just…bitter, and tired, and didn’t know when to quit. You know how I am…I get a little too worked up sometimes over the littlest things.” 

“No, hyung! You had every right to be mad at us. We…we made you feel like you don’t belong with us. And…I don’t know if I can ever forgive myself for making you feel like that. I am… so sorry, Beomgyu-hyung. You never deserved to feel like that. Can you ever find it in your heart to forgive me?” 

“Of course, Taehyun-ah. I’m sorry if I scared you yesterday. I really didn’t mean to yell…it just came out like that.” Beomgyu smiled guiltily at Taehyun, to which the younger felt his heart twang in sensitivity. 

“It’s fine, Beomgyu-hyung. I’m really not worried about it anymore if I’m being honest.” Taehyun slightly smiled at the older boy, tears completely dried. 

Beomgyu smiled widely before going to hug the younger, Taehyun melting in his arms upon contact. They stayed there for a couple of moments before letting go, embarrassment tinting their cheeks red. 

🩵

After Soobin came back with their breakfast, the three sat around the room and talked about whatever they wanted to talk about, laughing lightly as they enjoyed each other’s company. As he was eating his mango cake, Beomgyu heard his phone buzz and opened it to see a text from his Yeonjun-hyung. 

Yeonjunnnnnnie-hyung 😄 [10:47 am]

Are you still okay if I come over, Beomgyu-ah?

Beomie-bear ;) [10:50 am]

Yes, hyung. I want to talk to you soon. Let me know when you get here!

Yeonjunnnnnnnie-hyung 😄 [10:51 am]

Of course! I’ll head over right now, Beomgyu-ah. 

Beomgyu lightly smiled to himself before he joined back into their conversation. His heartbeat rose in anticipation of his Yeonjun-hyung coming, but he also was excited so they could put this whole incident behind them. 

It was when Soobin and Taehyun went to go get lunch for the three of them that Yeonjun saw his younger brother in his hospital room once more. Yeonjun hated the hospital, after years of taking care of the younger trainees when they collapsed from overwork and ended up hospitalized, or his four younger brothers winding up in the hospital for various reasons, Yeonjun was sick of the hospital. He really hoped he never had to go there again before Beomgyu’s incident, but life doesn’t always grant you that luxury. He couldn’t exactly pinpoint what he hated about the hospital, the memories that flooded his mind whenever he smelled the saline, or the pressuring atmosphere from the workers of the hospital that screamed work work work. But, he worked up the courage and went to the hospital again (frankly, the desire to see his younger brother and properly apologize to him made Yeonjun overcome his slight fear of the hospital). 

When Yeonjun arrived, his eyes immediately met Beomgyu’s tired ones and his heart panged in pain as he breathed in and out carefully. He carefully walked up to the younger boy, nerves threatening to swallow him whole. 

I don’t know if I can do this anymore. What if he still hates me? Yeonjun’s thoughts wouldn’t shut up. 

He sat on the chair next to Beomgyu’s bedside and looked at his lap, not bearing to look at the younger. His eyes were already tearing up, but he never wanted to show his sad side to the younger. Beomgyu’s heart tightened as it beat underneath his chest painfully. Yeonjun almost never showed this side to Beomgyu, much less any of his younger brothers. He would only usually go to their leader when he was mentally suffering, The fact that he was like this, in front of Beomgyu, was certainly a feat for himself. Beomgyu’s eyes welled up with tears as he realized this, his Yeonjun-hyung felt really bad about this. 

“I…” Yeonjun cleared his throat, speaking louder. “I can’t even begin to apologize. Or express how sorry I am that all of this happened. I–– I am so incredibly sorry, Beomgyu. This whole situation was never supposed to happen. But…but it did. And I feel horrible about it. I know… I know it’ll take a while for you to forgive me. I’m perfectly ready for that. I’m going to do whatever I can to show you how much I love you. Whatever it takes.” Yeonjun said emotionally, voice cracking as tears fell onto his hands. 

That’s when Beomgyu cracked. His lips trembled shakily, a little thing, as tears poured out of his eyes steadily and his body shook lightly. He immediately grabbed onto Yeonjun’s waist tightly as more tears flowed out of his eyes. The older boy stood in the younger’s embrace silently, eyes wide as tears fell from them. 

“I––I’m so sorry, Yeonjun-hyung. I never meant to yell like that, I was just–– tired…and… scared. Just like you. I just didn’t want anyone to know. I’m sorry, Yeonjun-hyung. I’m so sorry for making you worry. I love you…I never want you to cry for me ever again, okay? I’m sorry, Yeonjun-hyung…I’m sorry…” Beomgyu said as he melted into his hyung’s arms, finally revealing his true feelings to the older man. 

Yeonjun immediately hugged Beomgyu back, adrenaline flowing through him. He remembered Beomgyu wasn’t exactly one for skinship either, so his heart eased knowing the younger wasn’t mad at him. More tears flowed out of Yeonjun’s eyes as well, somewhat in relief and somewhat because of the moment they were having. He patted the back of Beomgyu’s hair carefully, grimacing when his fingers touched the bandage over a section of it. 

“Hmm…why is our Beomgyu apologizing now? When it’s my fault? When he’s the one in the hospital bed? This doesn’t make sense, aigo…” Yeonjun went into full mother-healing mode as he smiled against Beomgyu’s hair, kissing it lightly. They both left the hug and Yeonjun got a good look at Beomgyu’s face as Yeonjun smiled widely. Beomgyu had a shaky expression on his face as his eyes sparkled with unshed tears. 

“Waa…the universe must’ve loved our Beomgyu so much it put the universe in his eyes.” Yeonjun cradled Beomgyu’s cheek as his own eyes were covered with a glassy film. Beomgyu snorted and smiled widely at his hyung’s remark. Yeonjun brightened upon seeing the younger returning to his normal state. They laughed between themselves for a minute before settling in a nice silence, they were just happy to be in each other’s judgement-free presence at this rate. 

Soon after they made up, Soobin and Taehyun came with takeout from a local hot dog restaurant and they all ate happily. However, all four of them like this didn’t feel right. All they were missing now was their maknae. Beomgyu decided to reach out first, knowing the younger would never reach out unless Beomgyu initiated conversation. Whenever he fought with one of the members, even though it was rarely, he would isolate himself from them instead of talking to them face-to-face. Usually, it would go on until the rest of the group got fed up and held an intervention between Kai and the member he fought with. But, since it rarely happened, they didn’t have to intervene very often. 

Beomie-bear ;) [1:23 pm]

Have you eaten, Kai? 

Honolulu Huening 😂 [1:27 pm]

…

No, hyung. 

Beomie-bear ;) [1:29 pm]

Do you want to eat corndogs with us? 

We have your favorite, with honey barbecue sauce 😁

Honolulu Huening 😂 [1:31 pm]

You’re not mad at me, hyung? 

Beomie-bear ;) [1:32 pm]

Just get over here, punk. 

Beomgyu’s message was immediately read by Kai, who was already packing his bag to go to where his hyungs currently were. Beomgyu slightly smiled at his phone before finishing the corn dog in his hand, saving two for Kai. 

“Kai’s coming now. Then we’ll be complete again.” Beomgyu smiled as he shyly looked into his lap, pink painting his cheeks. They all smiled at each other, Yeonjun ruffling the top of Beomgyu’s hair playfully. He stopped when Beomgyu grimaced in pain, headache coming back once more. He pressed the call nurse button, realizing his painkillers were wearing off and he needed his second dose of the day. Once the nurse gave him another dose of painkillers and checked his bandages, she noticed something strange. 

“I’m going to call your doctor again, Beomgyu-ssi. I saw something strange and want to ask him about it. Please hang on one minute.” She walked away with a clipboard in her hands, quickly grabbing Beomgyu’s lead doctor. 

He looked at the stitches in the back of Beomgyu’s head, realizing they were starting to become infected. He sighed before giving the nurse instructions about what medicine to give him and sending her to get them. 

“I’m afraid your stitches have become become infected, Beomgyu, I’m sorry. We’ll need to keep you here for a couple of more days until your condition approves.” 

“But…I feel perfectly fine, doctor. Do you know how long I’ll need to stay?” 

“Just to be safe about two more days. Most infections don’t hurt the host, but it has been proven to have long term effects if not treated properly.” 

“I see. Two more days…okay. Thank you very much doctor.”

The doctor bowed before taking his leave, and shortly after the doctor left, the nurse came back in with his needed medicine for his infection. After taking it, Beomgyu laid back in his bed, overcome with an exhausted feeling. His members looked at him worriedly before he smiled and held Taehyun’s hand gently. He soon fell asleep, warmed by the presence of his three other members around him. 

When he awoke again, Beomgyu’s hand was still connected to someone else’s, but this one was much bigger than Taehyun’s. He fully opened his eyes to find Kai, evident tear streaks down his face. The boy looked like a mess, his hair was disheveled and he looked a lot more downtrodden than usual. It made Beomgyu’s heart beat in pain. He went up to cradle Kai’s face silently, sleep still evident in his eyes. Kai flinched, eyes immediately locking with Beomgyu’s tired one. He smiled comfortingly, hoping to cheer up his younger brother. 

“Hyung…” Kai whispered, bitterness rising in his throat. 

“Mmm?” 

“Are you in pain right now?” Kai felt tears unwillingly cover his eyes again, mouth slightly shaking. The last thing he wanted was for his hyung to be in pain. 

Beomgyu shook his head as he smiled, starting to come out of his sleeping spell. 

“Nothing hurts, Kai-ah. What made you think that?” 

“The others told me…you have an infection from your stitches. And…your concussion gives you headaches.” The younger said lightly, he knew people with concussions were very sensitive to a lot of stuff. 

“It’s okay, Kai. I’m not in pain. I’m okay.” He brought his hand down from Kai’s cheek, in favor of patting his hair gently. It’s a thing he mostly did with Kai, especially when they were trainees. 

Kai’s face twisted beautifully as more tears welled up in his eyes. His mouth shook lightly as his heart clenched in pain. 

“Aigoo…our Hueningie~ don’t cry baby, hyung’s okay…” Beomgyu said in a playful tone, complete affection for the boy showing. 

Kai closed his eyes as small tears slipped out of them. 

“Don’t scare me like that again, hyung…I was really scared, you know? I didn’t know what I was going to do if…if you…” 

“Shhh…you don’t need to tell me. I already know, our Kai is too sweet. I promise, I’ll never worry you again, baby~” Beomgyu continued to pat Kai’s hair softly, the younger going to rub Beomgyu’s belly and hug him. 

“I love you, hyung,” Kai whispered against Beomgyu’s chest. Beomgyu smiled widely, hugging the younger tighter. 

“Hyung loves you too.” 

Kai didn’t leave Beomgyu’s arms for a while after that, and when the others came back (after their dramatic reactions of ewwww and general gagging noises) they all laughed and joined the hug, making it a big, warm group hug. Beomgyu smiled widely as he was huddled by all of their warmth, finally feeling safe in all of their arms once more. 

Fin