Work Text:
So many painting and so many pains lives in this room.
It's been a month since Fred left my side in a mission, the worst day of my life. I had to hold him in my arms while I tried to get to some doctor, but he couldn't handle all that lost of blood and died in the middle of the forest, all because I wasn't capable of save him in time of that stupid bomb
If I was faster, or maybe smarter, he could be alive. If at least he stayed at home taking care of his flowers I would be dead and my body could be at any kind of dirty alley, but the best part of it, is that I would be all alone and he would be fine. The worst part is that even if I can't admit, he would have guilt for not being there at my side, I know he would, and that's why I hate it. In any destiny of that shit I would only cause him pain and disgrace, he didn't found his happy ending with me, and never would.
His flowers are almost all gone, except for some that Louis knows how to treat well and one flower bouquet he gave me, and in Moriarty's house I still can't look at Moran in his eyes. I try to pretend its okay and be happy but this is something I can't do, I can't see his disappointed look at me, because I know he is right, and that would make me cry in front of the others.
The only thing that can give me some happiness now is make paintings about him, that way I can keep our memories and his bright smile alive. My goal now is to make the perfect picture of Fred, one art that I can look and see him throught it, I wanna see him one more time, I need to see him one more time.
Let me talk about some of the paintings that I have here, so this is not just a history about a lost man. One of my favorites works is this one of us having a meal in a lost wood house in the forest. We used to meet at that place very often because it was quiet and calm. It's not just like we were over of everyone at Moriarty's house, just that we needed some time to be alone you know? But anyway, at that day the sky was gray and the rain was very close, but it only came two days after that, it was also a bit cold, but being around his arms made everything warmer.
There is also this one of him playing with Willnyan and Holmeow, his couple of cats. Willnyan was calm and just looking through the windows, while Holmeow was trying to get Willnyan's attention so they could play a little, and then Fred and I saw this and called them to play with us with a ball of wool, and here we was with all the attention of both cats. Moran suddently came and Holmeow just jumped in his face to catch the fish pie he was eating, and he got very angry with that! But just a look in Fred's smile and laugh and he was calm and giving Holmeow a big hug.
The last of my favorites, is the one of Fred giving me a flower bouquet with a letter. The letter said
"To my dear Henry,
These flowers reminds me of the feeling I have when I'm around you,
the pure of the nature with the pure of love.
I hope you like it and take good care of the flowers,
it's not the biggest bouquet, neither the prettiest,
but all because I'm saving this title for our marry weeding bouquet.
With love, Fred"
The flowers had a variation of pink, red and white tones, with some roses, lillies and lisianthus in the composition. Everytime that he tries to give me anything he looks shy and his scarf is covering his mouth and nose, so I only saw his soft eyes staring at me trying to understand what I was thinking. His hair was fluffy as always and the only part of his face showing was all red. When I accepted the flower bouquet I instantly gave him a hug and a kiss in the forehead. The weather was also pretty nice, the sky was blue, the sun shining as bright as ever, some white clouds and a good breeze in the air. It was everything perfect, but I couldn't imagine this would be the last bouquet I would receive from Fred in my life, because one day after that, he died.
I have many others paintings of him and about him, as I have some doodles in my book of everything that I can remember about us that i make when I'm sad and with no time to drown myself in paints. This is the minimum that I can do for him.
The worst thing that I could imagine just happened now, the house is on fire, and with that, my painting room. All of my memories are going to get burned and I'm gonna loose everything about Fred, this can't be happening, it must be some kind of nightmare. Or maybe, this is just the way that I'm going to pay for making Fred die in that place: losing everything and dying in the middle of this.
I'm sure that I am a crazy person, but how can I not be when I already lost everything that I have? That's why I'm gonna try to save at least my favorite pieces and the flowers. I don't care if I'll die, I don't care if this may be in vain but this is something that I must do. I already let Fred die one time, I can't let the memories I have of him die in that way too, I can't continue smiling knowing that I let his last gift dissapear like that.
Everything is a big smoke and I can barely breath right now, but I already have the paint of him holding the flower bouquet and the bouquet itself, but the worst part is that I need to find a way out of here without setting those on fire.
"HEY BILLY, BILLY CAN YOU HEAR ME??? ARE YOU HERE??? BILLY YOU ASSHOLE ANSWER ME" I can hear it from outside, and when I look though the window I can see Moran screaming my name
"MORAN??? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE???"
"I CAME HERE TO GIVE YOU SOMETHING BACK AND WHAT THE HELL YOU MADE HERE??? GET OUT OF YOUR HOUSE NOW MAN HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND?"
"I RETURNED TO SAVE FRED'S BOUQUET AND A WORK OF HIM"
"YOU STUPID JUST LEAVE IT BEHIND, FRED WOULDN'T LIKE TO SEE YOU DIE!!! NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE, I'M COMING TO GET YOU"
"WAIT, YOU DON'T NEED TO-"
I think something just fell in my head, Moran's voice is getting lower and everything is turning black, maybe my time has finally come..
"BILLY? BILLY ANSWER ME Now! bil..."
Now I am in a hospital, I think everything is calm now but I still need to organize my thoughts. My house was on fire... And I.. I can't remember really well what actually happened.. But someone came to save me before I died there.
"So you finally awake Billy? Everyone was worried with you man, try to not put your life in risk for Fred's paintings again ok?"
"Haha, I'm sorry.." There is something that I wanna ask him, but I don't know if I should now, maybe I'll wait another time "So.. Can you tell me what exactly happened? I can't remember everything very clearly.."
"Don't push yourself that hard, take your time to remember, you just woke up from ten days you know? I really though you wouldn't wake up too" "Ah yes, I also saved some of the flowers, a part burned in the fire, but there is somes that remained alive and Louis is taking care of it. I also saved Fred's painting, you did a great job with that one, its almost like it is him, but never do it in your life again you asshole"
"Yeah yeah I will not put myself in danger again... But Moran, may I ask you who is Fred"
"What do you mean who is Fred?"
"You are always talking about this person, but I can't really remember who is him. I don't know, but since I woke up I have a feeling there is something missing in my heart, and you are always speaking about this person. Was him important for me?"
"Billy, can you just give me a moment?"
"Oh, yes!"
I wasn't sure at start if I lost something important at that fire for me to be there and not outside, but I'm sure my memories burned at that house. This guy, he looks like he was important for me and Moran. The look he gave me when I asked who was him was kind of sad and in despair, it was almost as if I said that William-kun went back to America and left him behind again.
"Here we go kid, I came with the bouquet and the remains of the paiting. Part of it went on fire and that's why Fred's face is.. a little messy"
"These flowers are so beautiful.. It's a shame part of it burned along the house, that person made it for me? I forgot his nam-"
"Fred"
"Yes! Fred made it for me right? What kind of relationship we had?"
"You really forgot everything about him right? You and him were dating since a long time, and yes, he gave you this flower bouquet"
"And where is he now?"
"He is dead"
"Oh, I'm sorry... I really know nothing about him but I think he was important for you, am I right?"
"Yes, he was like a brother for me, but he suddently left us"
"It was an ilness?"
"I'll tell you later about this, its not something you should worry about now Billy. Go to rest kid" after saying that, he messsed my hair and left the room really sad
I don't exactly know why, but after hearing that I really know that I'm missing something important not knowing about him, I'm really numb now. It's like I lost what kept me alive these months. I have something I need to do but I can't remember what is it, if he were here, at least I could ask him his help with it. I need to make something for Fred, it's like I own his some kind of debt, but what it should be? What kind of thing happened beetween us? I messed up in our relationship? I'm sure it's not it, otherwise I wouldn't go back to the fire to rescue this flower bouquet, so, what should it be?
Moran said he also rescued part of a picture with Fred, maybe looking at him I can remember everything about us.
My hope really faded away like my memories about this person. The picture is quite perfect, but it is destroyed in his face. I shouldn't be crying for someone I don't even know and that is not even alive anymore, but I can't feel anything but pain looking at it. It's like the only memory I could have of him left this world just as Fred. The only think I can clearly see is that it have the same flower bouquet that he gave me, but the part that show his face.. Nothing.
The more that I look at it, the more confused I feel about my feelings and about myself, maybe the only way I can try to get this important part of me back is to keep painting until I find what he looks like. I can't think of anything else, but this sounds quite nonsense. I need to keep my life moving fowards and pretend I never knew who is this person that I actually don't know who is. These feelings will leave me nowhere as to keep painting something that I don't even know what is it.
But, I was crazy enough to risk my life for this thing, right? So, why not live until my death trying to remember what I risked my life for? Otherwise, I will be haunted by this confused past of mine.
It has been a year since my memories burned with my house and I decided to keep my life trying to search for them, so I can finally know what is this numb inside my soul. I had no progress and none of these paintings are making sense. There is always a blur in this guy's face, that always make me cry. I moved to live with William-kun and the others so that I don't feel alone, they said I don't need to worry about being a wreck because I would just be overthinking. They just asked me to keep taking care about a flower garden in the house that I would be doing my part as everyone else.
"Hey Billy, do you have a minute?"
"Yes! What do you need Moran-kun?"
"I forgot to give you back something. I was going to give it to you the day your house burned, but I was so much worried that I forgot about it"
"A paper?"
"I got from your drawing book. You did me and Fred and I wanted to keep it as a memory of him when he went away"
"Oh.. thanks Moran.." maybe, it's finally the day I'm gonna know who is Fred and why I done everything for him. This piece of drawing not burned in the fire and is completely stable.
"Billy? Are you okay??"
As I looked at the paper, I saw what Fred looks like. I finally know who is this person I have been trying to search in my life, and I suddently feel in tears because of that. The worst part of it, is that even knowing what he looks like, nothing changed.
The only thing that I can know after seeing this, is that I'm really sorry, Fred.