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Sometimes, Atsumu likes going to the beach. It's not because he likes how the sea looks, or the smell of the sea as the breeze passes him.
He likes going to the beach to ponder about how it would feel to drown in the vast ocean.
Now don't get him wrong, he doesn't actually go to the beach every chance he gets in order to ponder about how drowning would feel if he ever tried to. He isn't suicidal. He just likes thinking about it.
Maybe, sometimes, Atsumu sinks himself into the sea knee deep when his curiousity gets the better of him. When sitting down on the sand and watching the waves flow isn't enough. When the little devil inside his heart begs him to go further just a little bit. Maybe his feet sometimes brings him deeper into the ocean until his legs are fully submerged. Maybe he longs to fully submerged himself in the sea and never come back.
Maybe, sometimes, it happens.
He doesn't know how it happens, it just kind of does. When the sea screams tranquility and serenity so hard, it's hard not to be lured in. Sometimes he thinks a siren lives in there, cause a sea shouldn't be this tempting.
But Atsumu isn't suicidal. He isn't. He is just curious, that's all.
And so with that, he stands up and leaves to go back to the dormitory. He will come back in the future if he has a chance.
Maybe.
Heights were never Osamu's thing, which Atsumu never quite understood. He wouldn't say he loves heights, but he finds tranquility in it, surprisingly.
Of course, he doesn't get to nowadays - being a full time athlete and volleyball player doesn't really give you a lot of free time, especially when you are trying to be the best - but in highschool, when he barely managed to get Osamu (that scrub) off his back, he would secretly go to the schools' rooftop to relax. He found an empty spot where the fence wasn't covering, and after trying to fit himself in the gap, it's been his favourite spot since.
Look, Atsumu isn't crazy. He just feels that it's more peaceful sitting at the edge of the rooftop, with his feet dangling off more than several metres high than sitting down on a chair in the classroom and listening to his boring teachers yap about school work.
He isn't scared of heights because he trusts himself enough to not fall off the rooftop. He doesn't find thrill nor adrenaline in sitting at the edge of the rooftop, and if he found someone else doing the same, he would tell them not to do it.
But Atsumu is Atsumu, and Atsumu is anyone but someone who follows rules, especially his rules. So he comes to sit at the empty spot everytime he has the chance to, which is sometimes.
He does think about how it would feel if he ever, just maybe, accidentally fall off the edge. How his head might crack and smash against the pavement below the building if he just lost a bit of balance. How the view of the sky would look more beautiful if he just, fell.
But Osamu would kill him if he tried, and he doesn't like the thought of his scrub of a brother and his boyfriend holding it to his face every time to nag at him, so he restrains himself and doesn't.
He doesn't like that Osamu and Rin care so much about him - he is 15 for fucks sake, let him live a little - but he doesn't like them being sad even more cause he is just that nice of a person, so when the bell rings end of lunch, he will go back to class as always. When Osamu questions where he goes everytime cause it somehow worries Osamu sick that he can't find his brother,
Atsumu doesn't answer.
Like he said, he isn't suicidal. So there is nothing to worry about. He will still be there by Osamu's side.
Sometimes, death just looks... nice.
Atsumu is 16 when he realises that his crush on Sakusa Kiyoomi maybe isn't as casual as he thought it was. When he sees him talking comfortably to Ushijima from Shiratorizawa, something in his heart clenches a little.
Maybe it's from jealousy, Atsumu doesn't really know considering he has never been in love in love before. Maybe he is really in love Kiyoomi.
But at the end of the day none of that really matters since his love will never be requited. Atsumu is so use to it he doesn't feel much when it happens. He doesn't know when it started, but everytime he has a mutual crush, his crush would always get a significant other soon after breaking up. Especially when they realise Atsumu and Osamu are twins, when they realise Osamu is the better option, they start falling for Osamu until they get rejected when told his brother is already taken. When that happens, Atsumu becomes their first option again.
Like everything that happened beforehand didn't matter at all.
Atsumu can't fault them, he knows when to admit that his brother is better than him in more ways than 1. Osamu is kinder, nicer, considerate when communicating with people. He knows how to cook - cooks better than Atsumu - and he knows how to do laundry. He isn't as rash as Atsumu, or as sensitive, and he is a reliable figure. Osamu is someone that everyone can go to have a shoulder to cry on. So he can't blame others for falling for Osamu first.
Osamu is everything Atsumu is not. And they are twins.
He doesn't understand how he is always somehow the second option, the option no one really takes into account. Atsumu is more handsome than his scrub of a brother. He knows he is a walking wet dream, he knows he can get people if he wanted to. Atsumu is also a better volleyball player, he sets better and spikes faster than Osamu. He knows he is good in bed.
But that can't be all there is to him, is there?
So it's inevitable once he realises that Kiyoomi talks to his brother as comfortably as he does to Ushijima, more than the way he talks to Atsumu. He isn't blind. He knows when Kiyoomi looks at him with a scowl, sometimes a disgusted face when Atsumu says something.
If it hurts him inside, he doesn't let it show. If it makes him sad, Atsumu doesn't let anyone know, even his own brother. He loves his brother, but he will never say it to him. Atsumu knows him and himself way too well; his brother would start being protective over him, and the nagging won't stop, and Atsumu doesn't want his brother to worry. He still wants his freedom.
Even if it hurts him deep down, he doesn't let it stop him from continuing to be the rude vain person everyone sees and knows.
He doesn't let the hurting stop him from thinking about smashing his head into the net pole. If anything it fuels it. And Atsumu doesn't know if that's a bad thing or a good thing.
But it's fine, no one has to know. It's his little secret.
Atsumu likes long showers, everyone knows that. All his teammates know it, and Kiyoomi (his roommate) detests him for it. Hour long showers are ridiculous and wasteful, and Atsumu hears it quite often, especially from his crush slash roommate.
Yeah, he never really moved on.
That's not the point. The point is, Atsumu likes taking long showers because their dormitory has a bathtub. A bathtub is like the sea but smaller. He gets to take his time and submerge himself in water and relax in it. It's like the world heard his prayers and said "yeah we will deliver the sea to you" and it couldn't have made Atsumu more happy.
He totally doesn't think about drowning himself it. Doesn't think about what would happen if he just left, doesn't think about the reactions of his teammates and his brother, doesn't think that death is lulling him to sleep.
And when the hard knocks come on the door signalling that he has been in there for far too long, he doesn't think about what a pity it is for him not to die. He just stands up and walks out of the bathtub, washes his face and leaves the bathroom like nothing ever happened.
So maybe Atsumu is now aware enough that he thinks about dying a little too often, but who can blame him? The world doesn't seem to want him - he is always the second option even when it comes to his brother, no one ever likes him enough to stay, and even though he knows his worth, the small insecure little devil in his brain doesn't help - if anything the bathtub appearing when he was praying for a solution was just a sign of evidence from the world.
He doesn't tell anyone about what he thinks, obviously. It's not something people should be worrying about anyway.
Atsumu will never die, at least he has that guaranteed. He loves volleyball too much, he loves his brother too much, and maybe Kiyoomi too.
That should be enough to make him stay, even if death always seems so tempting.
... Right?
It's during training, when the whole team is suddenly on the topic of suicide due to a celebrity recently committing it and appearing on the news, that Atsumu makes a mistake.
Makes a mistake in accidentally revealing his thoughts to everyone.
"But I understand where they are coming from though, honestly can't blame them for committing it."
It takes the whole team to turn and stare at him to make him realise shit I accidentally said it out.
"... What do you mean, Atsumu?"
Meian, the ever caring captain, asks.
"... It was nothing! Just a thought ya know? If someone dies it's not my problem anyway! Hey did you see the news yesterday where Kageyama was seen with this girl outside-"
And with that, the topic changed smoothly to another. He is thankful for Shouyou immediately jumping into the topic. If he receives any weird or concerning looks from his teammates, he doesn't care. If his reaction raises any suspicion, he doesn't care either.
As long as he still acts like a rude and vain person, everything is fine. No one would care about him after today passes. It would just be a slip of tongue moment. It happens to everyone, he isn't special. Tomorrow will come and no one would care. He is glad for once that being a second option means people care less.
Yep, he is fine.
Totally doesn't fuel his urge to die at all.
Totally.
Of course, it takes form in the name of Sakusa Kiyoomi, to finally break the ice.
"What was that about Miya."
They are in their shared room, when Miya has just taken a nice and calming shower and drying his hair, that Kiyoomi asks. Atsumu freezes for a second before plastering a fake bright smile just like he usually does (oh how he is so tired of it) and facing his crush.
He hopes the black haired man cannot hear his heart beating faster and louder.
"What ever are you talking about Omi?"
"The words that you spoke yesterday, Miya. What do you mean by that."
Atsumu's eyes looks to the right and left before stationing on Kiyoomi's face.
"Absolutely nothing, Omi! It was just a slip of tongue, I didn't actually mean it. I'm honestly surprised you care about it! Don't tell me the dark gloomy grumpy Omi who always scowls whenever he sees me and hates being in the same room as me actually cares about me?"
"Yes."
Atsumu's entire body freezes at the word Kiyoomi says. This wasn't how it was suppose to go. Kiyoomi was suppose to get mad at him just like always, and the spoken topic would disappear. He would get angry and Atsumu would continue to fuel until Kiyoomi will give up and the 2 will be silent as they go to sleep. He didn't expect Kiyoomi to admit that he cares.
This wasn't supposed to happen.
"... Why? Don't you hate me?"
Atsumu mumbles softly under his breath, hoping the man sitting opposite of him can't hear it.
Of course he does.
Suddenly, being 6 foot buried deep into the ground feels so much more tempting.
Kiyoomi sighs as he brushes his locks through his fingers. He looks at him with worried eyes.
"I don't hate you Atsumu, if I did I wouldn't be in the same team as you. So are you okay?"
"Then why-"
"Because you are my teammate, Miya. It's obvious that I would care."
Oh.
So he doesnt-
Atsumu downcasts his eyes back to the floor again for a moment.
Of course he doesn't. He is so stupid for hoping that. Why did he expect anything else to be different?
In that moment, a very thin and frayed line broke apart.
It takes Atsumu a brief second to calm down and rearrange his emotions, and go back to the usual stupid blonde, rude and vain person he is.
"Well, jokes on you, Omi-Omi! I'm perfectly fine! If I wasn't I wouldn't be in this world anymore would I? Don't sweat your pretty little brain about it! Why wouldn't I be fine? We are doing so well in volleyball, and my brother is opening a new restaurant soon. Isn't it weird that I'm gonna be not okay? You think too much Omi-Omi! Let's just go to sleep now yeah? I'm so tired from today's practise~"
If Atsumu said that a little too fast, he doesn't care. If Atsumu heard him call out for his name before he lied on the bed, he doesn't care. Sleep pulls him in too fast for him to think anyway.
Just like wanting to drown in the ocean, Atsumu hopes he never wakes up from sleeping. He hopes Kiyoomi moves on from the situation and doesn't speak about it to him anymore.
That night, he dreams of being in the deep sea, slowly falling deeper into the ocean, the oxygen leaving him, and letting him sleep forever in peace.
He is glad Death doesn't treat him like a second option.
So maybe Atsumu is suicidal.
Maybe he is, maybe he is not, who knows. Even Atsumu doesn't know anymore.
And it's not like Atsumu doesn't want to live ya know?
It's just, everyone seems to not need him. They have their own lives, their own family. Just like a second option, no one seems to care about him enough to want him to stay.
Osamu has Rin. Kita has Aran. Kiyoomi has Ushijima.
Atsumu just feels so out of place.
He doesn't have anything in this world to make him want to stay. Volleyball is just a sport at the end of day, and the sport doesn't lack good athletes like him.
What ever happens after was just an impulse decision.
The team went out to get dinner, leaving Atsumu behind at the dorm because he wasn't feeling so well. As he gets ready to shower and relax just like always, he notices the razor that was left on the table. He remembers Barnes changing out the blade for a new one because the old one got too dull. He remembers Barnes saying he would come back to throw it out later.
It can't be too dull to cut through skin right?
So out of curiosity, he takes the blade from the table and goes to the bathroom in his now single room. Atsumu doesn't self harm, for your information. He never thought about doing it even though the internet had so many of the same articles. To him it was just too painful to do, and like that scrub once said, Atsumu was too much of a pussy to do it.
But still, he wanted to try it just once, to see how it felt.
He has read enough articles online to know how to do it at least fluently, from many survivors experience. He knows suicides are usually planned way ahead of time, but Atsumu was never a planner. The bathtub takes a while to fill, but when it finally reaches the line, Atsumu enters the bathtub. It's filled with water that's too hot to his liking, but he doesn't let it stop him.
He stares at the blade for a while longer, memories of people that once anchored him to this world rapidly flashing in his brain. For once, the thoughts that fill up his head are too much for him to bear.
Finally, with a moment of clarity, Atsumu places the blade against the back of his wrist, and swipes down.