Work Text:
Ding dong.
Chuuya was awoken by the chiming of the doorbell. He rolled over to check the time on his phone, jolting upright when he registered the numbers staring back at him. 12:31. Good thing he had the day off.
Ding dong.
Ugh, what the hell. Chuuya wasn’t expecting anyone and Dazai should have left for work hours ago. Not that Chuuya’s idiot of a boyfriend didn’t enjoy being late but considering that the other side of the bed was cold and empty, he must’ve deigned it worthwhile to do his job today.
Ding dong.
With a loud groan, Chuuya threw the covers off himself and trudged to the door, hastily tying his robe. Whoever was on the other side was going to get an earful.
Ding dong.
He threw open the door, only belatedly realizing that he should’ve checked who it was beforehand lest some enemy organization had found his address. But oh well, he was tired. And anyway, it wasn’t an enemy. It was the agency’s newest recruit. Sigma? That was her name, he was pretty sure. Dazai had been mentioning her quite a bit since the whole Mersault incident.
He looked at her while she stared back at him. She obviously hadn’t expected him to be the one to open the door. He had only interacted with her briefly, back in France, and that had been months ago now. She looked happy, as far as he could tell. Her bi-colored hair was pulled into a playful ponytail and she was donning an outfit Chuuya had to say he approved of. Her coat seemed expensive and well cared for and he liked her silver heels.
“Hello”, she greeted him, “I’m here to see Dazai. He gave me this address.”
He sighed. He didn’t care if anyone at the agency found out about their relationship, though he preferred the privacy, but he didn’t understand why Dazai would’ve invited Sigma over to their apartment when he wasn’t going to be there. And shouldn’t she be at work too?
“Shouldn’t you be at work?”, he hoped he didn’t come off too rude but he hadn’t had his coffee yet. He couldn’t muster up much in terms of etiquette without caffeine. Sigma didn’t seem to mind, only shrugging awkwardly.
“I have the day off. Dazai said to come over to hang out but I assume he forgot and went to work instead?”
Chuuya motioned for the other to come in, informing her where to put her shoes and overcoat.
“No way that bastard forgot. He’ll probably be here soon but I’ll text him just in case.”
While Sigma politely perched on the edge of the couch, which made Chuuya chuckle, he quickly sent off a strongly worded text to his boyfriend before asking Sigma if she wanted anything to drink.
“Oh. I’ll take some tea if you don’t mind. Thank you.”
Chuuya nodded and disappeared into the kitchen. While the water boiled, he thought about Dazai and his possible reasons for inviting Sigma over when he knew he wouldn’t even be here. And he had to have known, because for all his ridiculous antics, Dazai was a genius and had never actually forgotten about an appointment or meeting. Which made it all the more infuriating when he didn’t show up. Lazy bastard. Either way, he figured it wasn’t just meant as a wake up call, like he had jokingly suggested, that would be unnecessarily elaborate. Also, it was his day off, he could sleep in if he wanted.
He hummed to himself as he poured the water into two cups, one printed with cartoon dog faces and the other, one of Dazai’s, with little princesses on it. It was an inside joke. It hit Chuuya then that Dazai, for some nebulous reason, might’ve just wanted Chuuya and Sigma to meet. Get them to talk. That was the only explanation he could come up with. It wasn’t completely unreasonable, after all, Chuuya knew that Dazai was fond of Sigma and that they were good friends. He knew they had helped each other in Mersault. So, in some way, it made sense that Dazai might want Sigma to meet Chuuya, another important person in his life. The most important, Chuuya dared to hope.
Such a scheme was surprisingly sentimental for someone like Dazai, but he found he kind of liked it. If he was correct, of course, God knows the idiot might’ve just roped Sigma into some elaborate prank. Though he got the feeling she wouldn’t agree to that.
As he waited for the tea to steep, he considered what he actually knew about Sigma. He knew she had been born from the book, or lost her memories because of it, the specifics weren’t clear. She was then roped into joining the Decay of the Angels in exchange for a home. Which was rather cruel, in Chuuya’s opinion. He also knew that Dazai had saved her from Dostoyevsky and his clown at Mersault and that she had then helped him with his plans. He didn’t know much about her personality first-hand but from what Dazai had told him, she seemed to be kind but didn’t take anyone’s shit and was seemingly just as fondly annoyed by Dazai as he often was. He also knew, or figured, that she was transgender. Of course, cis women could have deeper voices or more traditionally masculine frames, but he thought he recalled Dazai talking about getting Sigma health insurance so she could transition at some point when he was half asleep. And he didn’t see why he would've dreamt that up.
Well, he thought to himself as he finally exited the kitchen, she seems interesting enough. Might as well fulfill stupid Dazai’s wish and get to know her a bit.
He saw Sigma’s head whip around when she heard the door fall closed, her star-shaped earrings catching the light. She really had good fashion sense. He set the cups down on coasters he pulled out from underneath the coffee table and sat next to her. She carefully took Dazai’s princess cup and blew on the liquid, sharp gray eyes turned to him.
“So you live here?”, she asked.
He raised an eyebrow. “I do.”
She nodded, a considering look on her face. She was quite pretty, with her shapely eyebrows and elegant nose. He also liked her purple nails, long but not impractically so, and could appreciate the soft skin of her hands as she lifted the cup higher to take a sip.
“So you’re dating, then? Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.”
He enjoyed how straightforward she was, her voice calm. He smiled kindly at her.
“We are. And I don’t care if you do, but maybe talk it over with Dazai first.”
She scoffed. “I’m not much of a gossip but if he sent me here, I don’t think he’d get to complain.”
A laugh escaped Chuuya’s mouth. “I guess you’re right.”
And just like that, the atmosphere grew awkward again. God, he wasn’t even dressed yet. His hair wasn’t done! He couldn’t be expected to socialize under such circumstances, really. Yet, after a few more minutes of them silently drinking their tea and listening to the ticking of the clock, Chuuya decided to bite the bullet.
“So how’s your new job? It must be very different from the Casino.”
She stirred her tea with her pinky and looked out the window. The sky was overcast.
“It is but it’s nice. I liked the Casino and it was my home, but the agency is my family. And that’s something I’ve never had before.”
He could tell from the tone of her voice that this really was something special for her. He was glad. She continued telling him some stories about work, especially about Dazai’s shenanigans, and what her job at the Casino used to be like. He wasn’t much of a gambler but he had to admit it sounded like a fun place. He would’ve liked to go if it still existed.
“It must be hard”, he started, dearly hoping he wasn’t overstepping, “not to remember your past.”
He didn’t even know if she had a past. Fuck, was that inconsiderate? He quickly decided to add something personal of his own.
“I know what that’s like.”
She cocked her head, a few purple strands escaping her ponytail and falling to frame her face.
“Do you?”, she sounded curious.
He nodded. Could he trust her with this? Maybe it would help her to know she wasn’t alone, at least in a way.
“I don’t remember the first seven years of my life.”
===
“Huh”, she cleared her throat, “How did that happen?”
He surprised himself by telling her. Chuuya wasn’t as overly private of a person as Dazai was but his past was still a sore subject he didn’t really talk to anyone about. Except Dazai and Verlaine. And Sigma, apparently. There was just something about her that Chuuya’s brain must have subconsciously accepted as trustworthy, a kindred spirit.
She nodded along as he talked, raising eyebrows and gasping when necessary but she did not try to offer exaggerated apologies or pity, which he appreciated.
When he was done, she put her hand on his. Carefully, so that he could pull away without using any force. He didn’t.
“When I emerged from the book, I didn’t know who I was or if I’d even existed before that moment. I still don’t know that. I spent three years just being a tool for other people. Until Dazai helped me see that there’s more to the world than that, that I could have a life where people care about me for me. That there could be a me, even, no matter where I came from, no matter who or even what I am.”
He smiled at her.
“Yeah. That’s all that matters, isn’t it? I reached the same conclusion eventually. It doesn’t matter if I’m human or not, or whatever, what really matters is that I’m here and I’m me and I can only really make the best of that. What’s done is done.”
“It’s almost kind of freeing, I’ve realized”, she added, having long ago finished her tea but still holding onto the cup with the hand that wasn’t touching his, “Because there’s no expectations, right? I don’t know who I am or who I was, and neither does anyone else. So I get to choose who I want to be and create a me I’m happy with.”
“Oh, definitely.”
He shifted forward to place his cup on the coffee table, noticing as Sigma’s gaze locked onto his chest where the robe had slipped down. Her eyes widened.
“When did you know you were transgender?”
Her directness really was a breath of fresh air. He huffed out a laugh and leaned back into the couch cushion, thinking for a moment.
“I mean, I have no idea if I knew before I was taken and after I escaped the lab, gender wasn’t exactly the first thing on my mind. I had to survive. But once I settled with the Sheep, I realized pretty quickly that I’m not a girl. It probably helped that the Sheep were made up of a bunch of kid misfits, so quite a few of them were also queer in some way.”
He recognized the look in Sigma’s stormy eyes as something almost wistful. It must be hard to have had no childhood at all. Of course, Chuuya had barely had one either and even the part of his childhood he did remember had been a game of survival more than anything else. But basically spawning into the world as a full adult must have been even worse.
“I was lucky that it wasn’t a big deal when I joined the mafia. Mori didn’t give a fuck if I was a boy or a girl or whatever as long as I did my job and Kouyou, my mentor, is trans herself and got me hooked up with blockers and hormones pretty quickly.”
He truly was grateful that, with everything that was fucked up in his life, his gender had never been too much of a problem. Of course, he struggled with gender dysphoria and the likes, but other than that it was surprisingly smooth sailing. He knew others didn’t have it this easy and he certainly didn’t take it for granted.
“What about you?”
Sigma took a moment to think. More strands of her ponytail were coming loose as she had been nodding along and running her fingers through her hair while he talked. She looked cute like that, a brightness to her eyes that hadn’t been there before, and her pink mouth curled into an pleased smile. He was glad she seemed more at ease now.
“I didn’t start thinking about gender until the Casino. Obviously, I spent the years before that wondering and trying to figure out who I was but I was too busy to get deeper into that specific aspect”, she sighed and turned her head to look out the window. The sun rays highlighted the rosiness of her cheeks. “But at the Casino I got to pick out my own clothes and actually spent time with people who weren’t using or hurting me and among those people were, well, women. And sometimes trans people, too. It took me some time and a few existential crises but I eventually realized that I’d rather live my life as a woman. So I did.”
Chuuya was impressed. He knew it was already hard for regular people to come to terms with their gender identity, but for someone who barely had a past and whose only life experiences included being someone else's tool, to take that step towards personal happiness and authenticity was no small feat.
“Though”, she continued, looking deep in thought, “I didn’t start my medical transition until recently. Dazai was a great help with that, actually. I guess he had prior experience.” She grinned at him.
He rolled his eyes but couldn’t suppress the soft smile pulling at the corners of his mouth.
“Back when we were in the mafia, Dazai wasn’t how he is now. I don’t know how much he, or anyone, has told you about this and I’m not going to air out his dirty laundry, but let’s just say he was different. He was colder, much crueler. Though, at least around me, he still acted like a child and I could tell a lot of it was an act. A trauma response, his therapist might say”, pride swelled up in Chuuya’s chest thinking about how far Dazai had come, “But even back then, as emotionally constipated as he was, he never made me feel any less for it. He never used my identity against me when we were bickering or fighting and even went out of his way to call me a boy. Though of course he was always insulting me. It was nice though, in a fucked up way, he treated me like the teenage boy I desperately wanted to be treated as. And even now that we’re in a relationship, he has only ever taken it in stride.”
Dazai and Chuuya had been through a lot, together and apart. And even though they had fights and disagreements, Chuuya trusted him. And he knew that, no matter how many ridiculous insults they may spew at each other, Dazai respected him. He loved the bastard, against his best judgment, he really did.
“Yeah. He was so casually supportive of me too. At the beginning, I genuinely thought he didn’t understand. When we first met, he referred to me as a man, and I only had to correct him once and he accepted it without further comment. That felt really good. Even at the Casino, people weren’t usually that tolerant. I never ran into any trouble, of course, I wouldn’t have allowed it anyway, but people would at least question me a bit more. But he didn’t.”
Chuuya’s ears picked up a low chuckle from the entryway. He turned his head to see Dazai leaning against the door frame, his work clothes in slight disarray as usual, and his eyes filled with such warmth that Chuuya couldn’t stop himself from practically leaping off the couch to wrap Dazai in a tight hug. He made a surprised sound, though Chuuya knew he was pretending, and rested his head on Chuuya’s, pressing his nose into his hair.
“What a lovely welcome home. First, you two are gushing about me and now this. I’m so lucky.”
Though Chuuya couldn’t see it from his position, he knew Dazai was fanning himself like the dramatic maiden that he was. He could hear Sigma’s quiet laughter.
“Took you long enough to get here. I thought we were hanging out.”
“Nuh-uh”, Dazai took Chuuya’s hand and dragged him towards the couch, seating himself between Sigma and his boyfriend, “I just told you to come over to hang out. I never said with whom.”
Ha! So Chuuya had been correct. Dazai had planned this so the two of them would get to know each other. He wondered if there was an ulterior motive behind that, he thought he might have an idea.
Sigma rolled her eyes, finally pulling her hair tie out, as it was losing the battle against gravity, and rolling it onto her wrist. Her white and purple hair fell over her shoulders in a silky cascade. Chuuya wondered what conditioner she used.
“You’re such an idiot. Why didn’t you just introduce us if you wanted us to meet?”
Before Dazai could reply, Chuuya did it for him.
“Where’s the fun in that?”
Dazai laughed into his shoulder. Chuuya beamed. He felt happy. “This bastard doesn’t do anything the easy way, you should know this by now.”
He recognized the fondly exasperated smile on Sigma’s face as one he often wore when he was confronted with a certain mackerel’s antics.
“I guess so.”
===
The trio spent a few more hours just talking. At some point, they moved into the kitchen with Chuuya preparing a quick dinner and Sigma setting the table. Dazai had taken the time to shower and change into a pair of fluffy pink pajamas that Chuuya had gotten him for Christmas.
As it neared 8pm and the sun slowly disappeared behind the Yokohama skyline, they were sitting out on the balcony, all three of them cuddled up under the biggest blanket Chuuya could find. An ugly, misshapen thing that Higuchi had made for him. He loved it.
Dazai was leaning his head on Chuuya’s shoulder when he spoke, interrupting the soft tale Sigma was spinning about a day she had recently spent at the market with Atsushi.
“You know”, he yawned, “when you were talking about me earlier, you mentioned how I was cool with you two being trans.”
They nodded at him to continue, unsure where this would go. Chuuya felt Dazai’s long eyelashes fluttering against his neck. He chuckled softly.
“Not that his has anything to do with being accepting, but I don’t think I’m entirely cisgender myself.”
Chuuya whirled his head around so quickly, he accidentally dislocated Dazai’s head from his shoulder. He looked over to see Sigma snorting as Dazai clutched his head in fake agony and sprawled out in Chuuya’s lap. The blanket had by now gotten irrevocably tangled up between them.
“Surprise?”
The three of them laughed and, with Chuuya’s hand in Dazai’s curls and Sigma’s soft giggles in his ears, they quietly decided they would talk more about the bomb Dazai had just dropped on them tomorrow. He had learned a lot today and he was happy to say that he felt he had made a new friend.
Or, if he was picking up what Dazai was putting down correctly, perhaps something more.