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Eijun falls in love when he’s four and Ya-chan says “I don’t like pudding” and shoves the pudding into his hands. Before that, they were playing catch in Eijun’s backyard, and it’s just the best thing that Eijun has ever had that Eijun called him Ya-chan instead of Kazuya-kun. Ya-chan giggles and eats all of Ejun’s watermelon slices. While Eijun’s the child that spits out all the watermelon seeds, Ya-chan swallows all of them and pinches Eijun’s nose when he makes a face.
X
Eijun gets his heart broken when he’s fifteen and Miyuki says “Don’t be so familiar.” and pushes Eijun off his shoulders. Before that, they were playing catch on the court, and it’s just like the old times that Eijun slipped up and called him Kazuya with no honourifics. MIyuki laughs and walks away with Eijun’s heart. While Eijun’s the boy that clings to memories old and dear, Miyuki discards all of them and leaves Eijun empty like the constant beeping of a phone line gone dead.
X
“Hello, Eijun? Can you hear me?”
“Ye-yeah.” His voice wavers, choked with emotions.
“Great! Tell me all about Ya-chan! He looks so handsome in the magazine, and he must be so tall now! I bet you and him are getting along like houses on fire-”
“M-mum-”
“Eijun, what’s wrong? Why do you sound like that?”
“Ya-chan doesn’t remember me.” There, he said it. Now finally the dread should be able to uncurl, that tight ball of hurt lodged in his heart like the most painful of barbs but instead it’s squeezing him hard enough for him to want to cry again. He scrubs a fist over his eyes, and swallows, tasting the salt. “Ya-chan he… He doesn’t remember me at all.”
“Oh honey.” His mum sounds sympathetic and he’s too old to be crying to his mother like that, but he just hurts so much. Sinking to the ground, he draws his knees to his chest, doing his best to choke back his sobs.
“All this while…” He wishes he was in his garden, on his back and staring at the sky between giant yellow petals, imagining what he would do when he found Ya-chan again. To feel that eager hope in his belly like the best sort of butterflies. He can no longer remember what Kazuya looked like, just that he had a smile that Eijun would do anything to see, and he was Eijun’s soulmate and wife, that being with him was better than ice cream and TV and baseball rolled into one, that Eijun cried his heart out when he had to move. People change. “I was the only one who never grew up.”
Eijun really should have known better.
X
The sound of his pitch hitting Kazuya’s glove is like coming home until he meets Kazuya’s cool gaze and realises otherwise. Home, perhaps, but with the doors shut to Eijun. Restructured, without him there, and unwelcoming, leaving him with a cold that sinks into the bones.
Eijun asks the coach for a change of pitcher. He is reminded that he is no position to choose.
It doesn’t help their relationship.
X
Other than Kazuya, Seidou is possibly… Brilliant. It is everything that Eijun could have wanted outside of the studying, but it is so much fun. He’s never shied away from hard work, and the training is amazing as are the people there. They talk, others that is, but Eijun pays them little mind, and Harucchi and Kanemaru are there even if he is affected. His senpais are possibly the most reliable people he has met and he enjoys their company. There’s Chris, that Eijun wholeheartedly adores, Tetsu and his stoic reliability, Spitz and his gruffness, Kuramochi wrestling him into submission, Maezono telling him not to eat his pudding and many others that support Eijun on his journey to be an ace beyond their requirement as a senior in a club.
There is so much Eijun can learn from them.
Kazuya feels unreachable. Miyuki - Eijun should get used to calling him that. Miyuki-senpai. He practices his expression in the mirror and gets laughed at by Kuramochi senpai, but he supposes it’s better this way. Separating Ya-chan from Miyuki, who stares at him as though Eijun is an irritating puzzle he cannot figure out.
The practices fail, and he ends up ducking his head to avoid Miyuki because his face betrays everything and Miyuki wouldn’t understand why Eijun looks like he’s going to cry every time he looks at him.
“‘Say, Eijun.”
“Hmm?”
“Do you hate Miyuki or anything like that?” While Eijun’s busy boggling at Kuramochi, Kuramochi’s face is serious, letting him know this is serious business and totally not like that time where I ate Maezono’s pudding and pretended it was you.
“…No.” If he takes too long an answer, Kuramochi does not comment on it, just fixes him with a long assessing stare before huffing and turning away.
“Good. Because Miyuki’s a nasty person, but he’s still my best friend.” Eijun laughs, because Kuramochi’s friendship with Miyuki is infamous, with the way Kuramochi is always half a heartbeat away from kicking Miyuki’s ass for his nasty personality. But he laughs too long and too hollowly, and Kuramochi glances at him from the side of his eyes.
“I’m going to tell Ya-Miyuki-senpai you called him your best friend.” Kuramochi snorts and throws himself at Eijun who squawks.
“Punishment for teasing his senpai!”
Eijun doesn’t tell Miyuki, and tells himself it’s because he’s afraid of Kuramochi’s wrath. Nothing to do at all with the calculating way Miyuki looks at him and then away, as though he was assessing Eijun and found him… unworthy.
X
Eijun remembers the memory vividly.
Dressed for bed, he is measuring the pro and cons of sneaking a cookie before bed and being caught and forced to brush his teeth again. He wanders down to see if he can sneak past his mother into the kitchen when he hears his mum talking in that cheerful tone she reserves for gossip with her fellow friends. Paying her no mind, Eijun’s about to successfully sneak into the kitchen when he hears her voice crack. “… Miyuki-san…”
He stops.
“Such a tragedy, we didn’t know… Yes… Kazuya-kun didn’t talk about it…”
“Didn’t talk about what?” Even then, it felt like there were stones inside Eijun, turning his limbs leaden with dread. His mother drops the phone and there are tears on her face.
“Eijun you should be sleeping-“
“Talk about what? Why are you crying?” He’s starting to tear up himself from the fear, even though he promised his parents (and Kazuya) he would be the best husband, one that didn’t always cry and whine. “What happened to Ya-chan? Tell me!” His chest hurts, little cries hitching his throat. “Mama, tell me please!“
“Mrs Miyuki… She passed away… She was sick for a very long time.” Eijun screams and his mother swoops him in her arms, trying to soothe her distressed child, pressing her face to Eijun’s cheek. Eijun can feel the way the sobs are causing his mother’s chest to jerk and he wants to continue screaming in denial but it only brings a fresh bout of tears. “Ya-chan is so brave.”
He remembers Mrs Miyuki and how gentle she is, how beautiful, with her long hair tied back as she hums over the pair and prepares desserts just for him. “Ya-chan he- Ya-chan will be lonely. Yachan cannot be lonely!” Ya-chan loves Mrs Miyuki. Ya-chan’s going to be alone. “Mama call Ya-chan please! Mama please!”
He manages to tear himself out from her arms and reaches for the phone. Presses Ya-chan’s number and waits for it to connect while trying to stop his hee hawing stage of tears because he cannot let Ya-chan hear him cry.
Except there’s nothing except for a dead tone.
His mother bends down and presses her hands to Eijun’s cheeks. “Eijun, Ya-chan moved away last week.”
“His new number! Call your friends and ask for a new number!! His new address!!” But Eijun knows what her answer is, when she inhales sharply.
Ya-chan left nothing behind.
X
It’s not Eijun’s nature to give up, but he does do his best to forget it. To an extent he does forget the sour way his stomach clenches when he sees Miyuki, forget about the guilt he feels chewing him from inside, forget about the betrayal that eviscerated him because it is not Ya-chan’s fault. After all Eijun left him behind.
It’s about time he learned to grow up.
So he does. He’s able to run and offer a drink to Miyuki without having to bite his tongue to prevent the babble coming up about how wonderful it is to see him in action. Once in a while he forgets and he feels like he’s dying inside, but that’s okay.
When the sun sets and he sees Miyuki standing there shielding his eyes against the dying light because MIyuki is so lonely, so very lonely, Eijun knows, he’s been watching him, it feels like being burned by the illusionary warmth.
X
Kuramochi puts it together. Probably. They had a really weird conversation about it, where Kuramochi asks if he had any childhood sweethearts and Eijun unthinkingly replied yes, but it’s not Wakana. And Kuramochi follows it with questions about Ya-chan the stuffed tanuki and how if Ya-chan likes baseball and hates sweets and Eijun realises with dawning dread that he knows.
“Please don’t tell Miyuki-senpai.” Please don’t make Miyuki have a reason to hate me.
“This explains why Miyuki thought you were a stalker at the beginning.” His hand in his hair, Kuramochi sighs. “And your first concern is that guy? Eijun, he’s not… He’s not who you think he is.”
Considering that Eijun has spent half a year trying to reconcile the pair, he knows that. Choosing not to answer he looks to the threadbare tanuki peeking from the side of his bed, the thrice stitched arm sticking out. Ya-chan always treated Eijun like he’s significant. Or so he remembers.
Eijun’s never felt so disliked or invisible his entire life. To be disliked is horrible. To be disliked by someone you like is sickening, like the feeling of spoilt milk in the stomach. Makes Eijun cry against Ya-chan, soaking the cotton with tears because his namesake has turned into someone he doesn’t recognise.
“Stupid.” Kuramochi sighs and draws Eijun into a hug, and Eijun wants to laugh it off and say he’s fine, but his breath hitches and he’s crying, really crying, because he did his best to keep it a secret that lodges in his throat like a stubborn fish bone that hurts when he swallows. “You’re such an idiot.“
X
As is their habit, the trio settle together out of unspoken agreement, their trays pressed to each other to make space for the other members eating. Kuramochi and Kominato will probably join them later, and seeing that Nii-chan refers to sit opposite Harucchi, and Kuramochi next to him, the spaces are left empty.
Eijun stiffens when Miyuki slips into a seat opposite Furuya, and hopes that it is minute enough to be ignored.
Harucchi nudges Eijun, trying to draw him back into the conversation they were having.“Your childhood friend is the one who made you decide to be a pitcher right?”
“Yeah, in my head, when I pitch, I always think of him!”
“Sawamura, you’ll do better if you stopped thinking about childhood dreams and focused on pitching here and now.” Miyuki’s not even looking at him, choosing to shovel food into his face and Eijun hates that he’s so easily affected, but he can feel it, the trembles in his fingers that warn him that he’s about to cry.
“If you’ll excuse us Miyuki-senpai.” It’s Haruichi’s hand in his, tangling their fingers together as Eijun stares hard enough at his untouched curry rice, trying to will his tears back. Harucchi’s voice is cold, his signature gentleness missing, and his words sounds sharp enough to cut and draw blood. “We have plenty of school work to do. Furuya, take Eijun’s tray.”
“…” From his blurred vision, he sees his tray being slid to one side. Eijun wonders how he’s going to leave with his dignity. It’s always like this where he trips up, where the normal wound inside him feels like it’s dragged across crushed glass, reminding him of how he hurts. He has learned to breathe with it, inhale exhale, but that doesn’t mean that he’s not human. He knows he gets on Miyuki’s nerves, so he’s tried to made himself smaller and softer around him, do not look here, tries to tread social niceties without giving away the raw viscera inside him.
Eijun’s just tired.
Haruichi’s hand tightens on his. Eijun is unable to look at anything but the floor as he leaves.
X
Eijun is not meant for melancholy.
It gets easier.
Eijun stops seeing Ya-chan when he sees Miyuki and starts seeing Miyuki for Miyuki. Nasty but dependable, master of deflection and ridiculous in his humour. Slowly, Miyuki starts warming up to him, once Eijun’s stopped that horrendous pining and avoiding stage because now that he’s talked to the others, it’s a lot easier to deal with his emotions. Miyuki starts teasing him more, and Eijun gives in to his inner urge to shake him by his collar and Miyuki’s face is positively delighted.
Like Eijun says, ridiculous in his humour.
X
“You’re happier now.” Harucchi says.
Eijun grins and carefully does not look at Miyuki.
X
“I don’t think you understand.” Miyuki sighs and turns aside, a physical gesture of his rejection. While EIjun’s been chasing after Ya-chan he has yet to consider about how Miyuki is forced to live as Ya-chan’s ghost, and he feels guilty for it. “I don’t remember anything.. The Ya-chan you knew is long gone.”
“It’s kay.” Eijun takes a deep breath, holds it in his chest, filling him up and tastes the tang of salt in the back of his mouth and he gives up resisting his tears as it shudders out of him. “Pleased to meet you for the first time, my name is Sawamura Eijun and I’m going to be Seido’s ace. Please take good care of me.”
“You’re an interesting fellow. I like you.” Miyuki smiles, and it’s small and amused, and lacks his usual smugness. Sincere, and it hurts, like a needle to a festering wound so that it may start healing anew. “ Miyuki Kazuya, and I’ll be your catcher.”
X
“Just, let me do this.” Miyuki raises a brow, but settles into a smile that’s almost reminiscent of the laugh he does when he wants to evade a topic.
“Okay then, Sa~wa~mu~ra~. Let’s see you do your worst.” Heat flushes into Eijun’s cheeks. But here, with Miyuki’s expression, slightly bemused and fond, and the wind ruffling their hair with the sound of leaves somewhere in the background, the silence of the dugout interrupted, Eijun thinks he can do it. The warmth of the setting sun barely reaches him. His shaking hands are forced apart from where they were laced together, and he tries to hold it by his sides.
“Ya-chan.” He cannot meet Miyuki’s eyes. “I am deeply sorry.” For leaving you behind, for not trying harder, for not being there.He bows as low as he can go without losing his balance. His tears threaten to overwhelm him, but he bites his lower lip and tries to hold it in.
The ground grows wet all the same.
Silence for a moment.
“Sawamura,” Stifled laughter, then Eijun raises his head only to see Miyuki clutch his stomach as he bursts into laughter. “Seriously that is so lame…You look like a politician apologising for a drug scandal!” Eijun abandons caution to the wind and throws himself into Miyuki’s arms, burying his face in his shoulder, Miyuki’s scent stifled by his blocked nose. “Ack! Are you crying! You’re getting my uniform dirty you idiot!”
And Eijun thinks they’ll be alright.
X
“Want to come back with me to Nagano?” Eijun does his best not to fidget. From the corner of his eyes he sees Miyuki give him a glance. Failing, Eijun wriggles in his seat, squirming while Miyuki attempts to hide a smile by holding his bottle to his mouth.
Miyuki takes his time drinking from the bottle and Eijun grows suspiscious when he realises that he’s not actually swallowing anything. Despite his first thought to shake him by his collar, Eijun swipes the bottle from him and takes a draught from it instead.
Miyuki’s eyes widen, and then he bursts into laughter. “Nasty, Sawamura.”
Eijun grins at him and then, he feels water drip down the side of his mouth, and hurriedly swipes it away, sending Miyuki into greater peals of laughter. His face flushes even redder as he demands impatiently. “SO???”
“Okay.” Miyuki shoves Eijun’s cap down and rubs his head vigorously. “Okay, I’ll go back to your farm house to see how you peasants live.”
“I’LL SHOW YOU PEASANT YOU CITY BOY.” They fall off the bench, wrestling on the floor, and Eijun feels triumph flood him when he manages to go for one of Miyuki’s weak point, the spot between his ribs as he remembers and Miyuki practically chokes himself laughing.
One of their team mates runs off. “KURAMOCHI SENPAI, MIYUKI SENPAI AND SAWAMURA SENPAI ARE FIGHTING AGAIN!”
X
They chase each other along the uneven groves of Eijun’s garden. Or Ya-chan’s garden, as the small faded sign proudly declares at the front. Collapsing when Miyuki tackles him, rolling in the dirt like children.
They stare up at the sky, the blue framed by eye catching yellow petals, sunlight catching on the vibrant colours and Eijun is breathless once more because he has dreamed about this. His dream has blossomed into reality and he’s almost afraid to breathe out for fear of disrupting something and misaligning the universe such that this slips between his fingers once more.
Eijun turns his head to see Miyuki’s face right next to his, and Miyuki’s gaze is watching him, and he looks so soft, his lips wet and slightly parted and Eijun is drawn to how his tongue darts out to leave a glisten on the centre of his upper lip. Pressure increases in Eijun’s chest and it’s sweet and inexorable and Eijun is falling again, falling falling falling. It’ll be so easy, to just lean forward and press his mouth to Miyuki’s.
His heart picks up, ba-dump ba-dump. In the back of his mind, he hears Ya-chan’s voice, laughing with the simple joy of children. Ei-chan!!!!! I love you!
But they are no longer children and Miyuki is not Ya-chan. So Eijun smiles and Miyuki smiles back falteringly, his lips falling downwards before curling upwards. How silly, Eijun thinks, that he falls in love with the same person twice. His love for Ya-chan was innocent and pure, bubbles in the sunlight and the sweetness of popsicles and pudding, smooth on the tongue, effortless in adoration. The sky is blue and the grass is green and he loves Ya-chan and Ya-chan loves him.
Miyuki however, is different.
He’s nasty and fickle and he chases thrills with recklessness and has a ridiculous sense of humour. He lashes out when he feels vulnerable, and mocks Eijun all the time. His challenging smirk makes Eijun give him a fierce grin, more teeth than joy, and his smile makes Eijun stunned with how unsuited it is to his face, as though he isn’t quite used to smiling and his laugh is possible the most ridiculous thing Eijun has ever heard.
Similarities remain.
But still, he’s here, Eijun’s partner. He still gives Eijun his pudding and takes his peas. He still likes that gangster bear. He’s still there for Eijun when he feels down. He still catches Eijun’s ball, and he still has Eijun’s trust.
The sunlight is warm on their skin but it’s cool for a summer day. The insects are loud. Eijun’s shirt sticks to the skin of his back. Miyuki looks like he’s about to fall asleep. All is right in the world. Eijun turns on his back and spreads his limbs out, smacking Miyuki in the chest and laughs at the sheer ridiculousness of the situation, for falling for the same boy twice, and how lucky he was, because he’s glad it’s Miyuki.
Miyuki really has a nasty laugh.
X
It was easy as a child, to tangle his fingers with Ya-chan. Ya-chan had tiny hands, and he never scolded Eijun when Eijun’s hands were sticky with whatever tidbit that he ate, even though he was fastidious in his cleanliness.
Miyuki’s asleep, and his hand is curled slightly in front of his face, a silent invitation, and Eijun’s being creepy, but all he thinks about is wanting to feel the squeeze of Miyuki’s hand. Miyuki has nice hands, his fingers long and strong, his palm larger than Eijun’s. It’s difficult now.
Suddenly overcome with melancholy, Eijun feels his happiness from that afternoon turning to fear. He’s experienced being invisible and being disliked by Miyuki and while it was bad before, he doesn’t think he can bear the thought of it happening again. Having finally settled into a tentative friendship with Miyuki, Eijun doesn’t want to do anything to jeopardise it.
He turns his back and tries to get back to sleep.
Instead-
There’s a weight tugging on his shirt, pulling him closer to Miyuki. “Hey, Sawamura?” Miyuki’s voice is rough with sleep, and Eijun doesn’t know how long he’s been awake. His heart rabbits against the cage of his ribs, fast and deafening, his body rigid. Words turn to dust in his mouth, and there’s something that feels almost like nervousness starting to churn in his belly.
The mattress dips with the shifting weight. There’s something pressing to his shoulder blades, and it might be a hand, except Miyuki’s voice is so much closer and he exhales heavily, enough for Eijun to feel his breath against his back.
“I’m glad that I’m here with you.“
Just a whisper into the serene darkness of the room, the restful silence that draws out secrets, soaking into the skin. Miyuki’s words leaks all the tension away from Eijun, leaves him tears and he cannot speak for fear of choking, his voice caught as a lump in his throat, and he feels light with love and happiness. He likes Miyuki so much.
Eijun blinks, and his tears seep into the pillow. Like Miyuki, he’s glad, he’s glad that in this moment they are together, that he’s in love, his secret to bear, but they’ve spent a summer with each other, and while it’s coming to an end, he’ll always have these memories. Loving Ya-chan, loving baseball, loving Miyuki, being like this.
No matter what heartbreak the future will bring, he’s had this.
Eijun is happy.