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It wasn’t a surprise that the former Winter Soldier got nightmares. After all of the trauma he’s been through, it only makes sense.
That is why he was hesitant to let you sleep over at his house. He knew that in normal relationships these days that was a normal thing. He was anything but normal, however. He often feared that he was talking things too slow. That you’d leave and find someone better because he knew you could do so much better.
You always made sure to reassure him though. You never wanted him to be uncomfortable in your relationship, and you knew it would take time. Hell, it took years for you two to even start to become friends.
He still had issues trusting people no matter how nice and perfect they seemed.
It was a slow process, but you two had begun seeing each other more often. You’d stop by his place and make him food sometimes or he’d invite you for dinner. Each time you left, worries clouded his brain. Should he let you stay? Should he do more? Would you leave him if he didn’t do more soon?
Bucky knew he was broken. It didn’t take a genius to see that. How you loved him in the first place was a mystery he feared that he’d never get the answer to. Did you even know the answer to that question?
When he finally got the guts to allow you to stay over, he had prepared. His bed that he never used was set up, clean sheets and everything. He had a syringe on the nightstand on your side of the bed just in case. He also had to dust since the room was so out of use. Everything has to be perfect for you.
When you both finished your steak dinner that Bucky had prepared, you sat down to watch a movie. You curled into Bucky’s side and he wrapped his arm around you. This was always Bucky’s favourite part of your evenings together. He loved holding you in his arms. He craved every touch you gave him because, although he’d never admit it, he was badly touch starved.
He particularly liked it when you picked out funny shows. Your laugh was infectious, and he loved hearing it. He’d even go as far as to say it was his favourite sound.
Horror movies always came in as his second favourite because he’d love the way you’d gasp and hold him closer when a scary scene came up. He was sure you didn’t even realise you were doing it. That only made it cuter.
After the movie, you yawned and stretched your legs, ready to go home. Bucky on the other hand was freaking out. He didn’t know how to tell you he wanted you to stay over. He knew he should have just texted you beforehand. You were probably going to say no. That would be incredibly mortifying.
“I should head out if I don’t want to fall asleep on the way home,” you smiled at him, reaching out for a hug. You frowned when you noticed how pale your boyfriend was and how he looked like he was about to throw up. “Babe? You okay?”
Bucky cleared his throat and wiped his sweaty palm on his jeans. He was looking anywhere but at you. Noticing his state of distress, you pulled him in for a hug to try to calm his nerves.
“Would you… would you maybe stay? I mean you don’t have plans early tomorrow, right, so I just figured maybe if you want… we don’t have to, I just…”
You pushed yourself away from him, so you could look into his beautiful blue eyes. “Really? You want me to stay?”
“Only if you want to,” he mumbled, his face lowering. You smiled, seeing the red creep onto the tips of his ears. You loved him so much, he was such an adorable gentleman.
“I would love to,” you frowned.
“But?”
“But I don’t have any clothes or my toothbrush…”
“I have some clothes you could sleep in… if that’s okay with you. I also have extra toothbrushes…”
You smirked at him, “Hmm, seems like you’re prepared.”
He rubbed the back of his neck, the blush spreading to his cheeks. You booped his nose and told him how cute he was. That just got him even more flustered.
You smiled as you went to brush your teeth. Bucky set one of his shirts and a pair of sweatpants on the counter for you as you were brushing your teeth.
As you were getting dressed, Bucky sat on the bed, twiddling his thumbs. How would he bring up his nightmares to you? Better yet, how would he tell you that if he lost control you’d have to sedate him? You’d probably run for the hills. Knowing you, you probably wouldn’t say a thing even if you were terrified. Maybe he should just go to sleep on the floor in front of the television like usual.
“What’s wrong, Buck?”
His heart beat faster and tears formed in his eyes. He’d never be normal. He’d always be a monster. You deserved so much better than him. He was so broken, broken beyond repair.
“Bucky?” Your voice was soft and gentle, your hands reaching down to hold his own hands. “What’s wrong, hun?”
“I… I still have nightmares… about…”
“It’s okay,” you reassured him as he knew you would.
He shook his head. “No it’s not okay. I could hurt you, and I never want to hurt you… you’re too precious to me.”
“Bucky…”
He got up and grabbed the needle. “If anything happens during the night, I need you to promise me that you’ll inject me with this.”
Your eyes went wide. Bucky saw that and cursed himself, he knew it was too soon. You were going to leave him… as you probably should.
“What is that?”
“It’s a sedative, I got it from Wakanda. It’ll work to keep me down. If anything happens, if you’re ever scared of me just… use it, okay?”
You grabbed his hands in yours. “Bucky, I’m not scared of you.”
“But—”
You gently shushed him. You could never be scared of Bucky. He was a good man, and you loved him with all your heart. You know he’d never hurt you.
When both of you got settled into bed, Bucky was too scared to even touch you. He really was terrified of hurting you. All the things he had done as the Winter Soldier just proved how he shouldn’t ever get to touch you.
Having an inkling of your boyfriend’s fears, you scooted over to snuggle into him. You were well aware of the fact that he loved cuddling with you. In fact, he craved it.
You both fell asleep, tangled in each other’s arms.
Bucky had really hoped that having you lying next to him would erase any nightmare. He should have known better than to hope. Because although you were wonderful, Hydra’s hold of him would never escape.
It was a cold night when the Winter Soldier went on a mission to kill the senator that had been getting too close to finding Hydra. He had dropped down on the top of the building and went through the roof access door. It was the only one without alarms, only helping out Hydra’s assassination.
He walked through the halls and found the senator and his wife in bed. He first sliced the throat of the woman before going to find the senator who had fled. The stout man was scurrying down the stairs.
The Winter Soldier dropped down from the balcony, ignoring the pain it brought to his ankles. He had been through worse. Plus, he had a job to do.
Their Winter Soldier grabbed onto the man’s throat and held him in the air. He began squeezing the life out of him.
When he finished, he went to leave. He froze however, seeing a child with wide tearful eyes. Every witness was to be eliminated. The Winter Soldier couldn’t, however, bring it upon himself to kill this innocent little being. He was skinny and blond with blue eyes, and it pulled at his mind and heart. He just couldn’t do it. The soldier ran from the building and went back to Hydra.
Upon finding out their asset had failed to complete the mission with no witnesses, they knew it had been too long since he’d been wiped. First, he had to be punished, though. The Hydra guards began to beat his body, and he took it like the good little soldier he was. Every kick and punch was ignored as he tried to think about why that little boy seemed so familiar.
They grabbed him and hauled him to the machine. Once they had the restraints around his body, they brought out the boy. Mouth guard already in, the soldier began screaming. He struggled to get out of his restraints. They watched him kill the boy before the familiar sound of electricity began to crackle in his ears
“Bucky… Bucky…”
The Winter Soldier froze in the chair.
You woke up to hear your boyfriend whimpering and pleading. It absolutely broke your heart. Tears streamed down your face as he continued to cry. You knew you shouldn’t touch him, worried that he’d react negatively to your touch. All you could do was call out his name and hope that he would wake up.
When Bucky woke up he awakened with a start, gasping for air. He felt gentle arms wrap around him as small kisses were placed on his sweating forehead. He then remembered where he was, and more importantly who he was with.
He should have felt embarrassed to be crying into your chest while you deftly carded your hands through his hair. He should have been ashamed that you were comforting him after having a nightmare filled with murder. He should have pushed you away like he does everyone else. But he let you stay.
“You’re okay, hun. It’s alright. You’re safe now. I’ve got you. You’re doing great for me, just breathe.”
Call him selfish, but he needed you. He needed your touch, your gentle words, your warmth. He needed all of it.