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“How much longer are you gonna drag this out?”
JJ rolls his eyes, watching his best friend cock his eyebrows, sunglasses perched on his nose and a shit-eating grin plastered on his face.
If it were up to him, he wouldn’t be dragging this out. In fact, if it were up to him, none of them would be here at all, standing at the marina in the Kook part of town, waiting for him to christen his new boat.
But Sarah had insisted, because Sarah always insists. That it was a big deal even if JJ was trying to play it down, that they deserved some good memories after the shit year they’ve had, that she wasn’t going to let something as big as JJ buying a boat slide without at least a little fanfare.
So there they were now, Sarah, John B, and Cleo, standing with him on a dock, waiting for Pope to show up with the cursed bottle of champagne he’s supposed to use to inaugurate Bertha–Berth Control, officially.
The only thorn in the day - and it’s a pretty big thorn, if you ask him - is that the person whose opinion JJ rates the highest isn’t here to see him make something of himself for the first time in his life. She’s a couple of continents away, on an island in the Indian Ocean, saving her beloved turtles and making something of herself.
And JJ doesn’t blame her. He really doesn’t. Told her as much over the phone, and then over Zoom, and promised her he’s not upset she can’t make it, because he’s not.
Sure, watching John B stand there with his arm tucked around Sarah’s shoulder makes him miss Kiara a little too much on a day like today, but he gets it. He’s not the center of her world, and he shouldn’t be. She’s not the center of his, either.
That she’s in the back of his mind with every decision and choice he makes for himself is another story.
The point is, if it were really up to JJ, he would’ve just woken up at the crack of dawn, took Bertha out on the water for a couple of hours, and came back to shore in time to pick up his first customer, scheduled for 20 minutes from now.
“Believe me, JB, this was not my first choice either,” JJ mutters, shielding his eyes from the sun and turning to peer at the end of the dock. He breathes a sigh of relief when he spots Pope’s bright orange button-up, but then he’s immediately distracted by a figure trailing after him in the distance.
The sun is too bright to see properly, and they’re both far enough that he can barely make out their silhouettes, let alone their features, but there’s no mistaking the wild curls blowing in the wind, or the telltale coil in his stomach when he knows she’s around. An inexplicable feeling that he’s home.
Still, despite all the evidence, physical or otherwise, he is almost certain his mind is playing tricks on him. It definitely would not be the first time his brain has conjured up Kiara Carrera out of thin air.
When he was younger and stupidly in love with her, he often imagined her sidling up to him at the boneyard and choosing to sit by him instead of John B. Sometimes at school he would picture her leaving the table she’s sharing with Pope and Scout on the other side of the school yard to come and sit with him and laugh at his jokes instead of theirs. And on his darkest days, when he was curled up at the bottom of his closet while Luke hurled sharp bottles and sharper words outside his bedroom door, he’d think about her knocking on his bedroom window. Those particular thoughts would get very muddy, though, because a part of him wanted her to sit in the closet with him where they would both be safe from his dad and her parents and everything that kept them apart, and another part wanted her to just take him away from there. The third and biggest part of him, though, wanted her to never ever be within 10 miles of Luke, even if it meant leaving him there alone.
Things are different now – he’s still stupidly in love with her, but reality is so much better than whatever his imagination can come up with more often than not, because Kiara always chooses to sit by his side if she can help it, and will often kiss him after she laughs loudly at his jokes, and he can’t remember the last time he’s had to face anything without her.
With the exception being today.
JJ shakes his head and narrows his eyes, trying to hone in on the figure that was trailing Pope, but before he can take a closer look, Cleo walks in front of him, tugging on his elbow and nodding towards the boat.
“You should’ve named her The Cleopatra is all I’m saying.”
JJ scoffs, shaking his head, and when he turns his attention back to the dock, Pope is walking over to them alone.
JJ tries to ignore the way his heart sinks to his stomach.
“Maybe the next boat,” he shrugs, turning back to Cleo and squinting against the sun.
Kiara can’t be here. She has more important things to do, and that’s more than fair. He wants her to have more important things to do.
JJ scratches the back of his head, more than ready to get this over with. Thankfully, he finally hears Pope’s voice flicker over the gusts of wind.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to be late, but I got the cups,” Pope says, jogging the last few feet and coming to a stop in front of them, a stack of red plastic cups in hand.
Sarah claps her hands together excitedly. “And you got the good champagne?”
Pope halts so suddenly it’s almost comical, eyes widening drastically and sneakers squeaking loudly against the wooden panels, not unlike a cartoon character. He frowns. “You were supposed to get the champagne.”
Sarah balks. “Excuse you, I distinctly remember you saying you were gonna get it, and I was supposed to have Kie on FaceTime.”
“Well, do you have Kie on FaceTime?”
Sarah winces. “No, I can’t get a hold of her.”
Pope shakes his head vehemently, and JJ laughs darkly before he shuts his eyes to tune them out, trying to swallow back the disappointment lodged in his throat.
He didn’t want any of this. All he wanted was his boat on the water. And sure, maybe his Pogues, and definitely his girlfriend, but not like this.
“Guys, can we not,” he tries weakly, running a hand through his hair, desperate to keep his friends from fighting, to no avail. Pope and Sarah are already talking over each other, Cleo rolling her eyes and turning away while John B tries to play peacemaker. JJ’s hands start shaking, the way they always do when people are arguing around him - one of the many side effects of growing up with Luke. His jaw tightens and he chews on the inside of his cheek, his patience running thin. This is not what he wanted. “Sarah, it’s fi—”
“Hey guys, can you all chill? I’ve got the champagne, it’s all good.”
JJ freezes entirely, all the blood in his body rushing to his head. He’d recognize that voice anywhere.
He takes a few steps forward, walking between Sarah and Pope and completely missing the matching grins on their faces.
He can’t fucking see her, but there’s no way his mind made that up. No matter how many times his mind conjures her up out of thin air, her voice is never that clear.
His hands are shaking for a different reason now, and when she emerges from behind the boat moored next to his, JJ thinks his heart might fucking fly out of his chest.
Her hair’s a little lighter and longer than he remembers, her skin tanned and golden, almost glowing from days spent in the ocean with the water up to her knees. But her smile looks the same, and the mischievous twinkle in her eyes is the one he remembers, and the plaid overshirt she’s wearing over her crop top is his.
She’s holding a champagne bottle in the air, eyes trained on JJ’s face. He sees her mask slip minutely when he takes too long to react, her anxiety getting the best of her, but even then, JJ has a hard time doing anything, because he is completely incapable of processing the fact that she is here. That she dropped all the more important things she had to do - and she has so many more important things to do - just to watch him break in his new boat.
“Well, Kie,” John B says, the amusement in his voice clear, “I did not think this was possible, but you’ve finally managed to shut JJ up.”
JJ shoves John B blindly, walking past him and closer to Kiara but stopping far enough that he still can’t touch her. He’s scared to get too close, because if she’s not really there, he can’t tell for sure what he will do.
He wants to believe he’d laugh it off, but some very dramatic part of his brain thinks he might do something drastic like just dive in the water and swim away from his friends, until he’s in the middle of the ocean alone, like he wanted to be in the first place.
He’s staring, open-mouthed, keenly aware of everyone’s eyes on them. But he also can’t really be bothered to care, because Kiara is right there in front of him, and she hasn’t been in three months.
“What the fuck are you doing here?”
Sarah groans and mumbles something that sounds suspiciously like height of romance, while Pope just snorts loudly, but Kiara keeps her big brown eyes peeled on his face, the smile on her lips just for him.
She shrugs. “Helping my boyfriend christen a boat.”
Another thing JJ can’t get over yet? That he’s Kiara Carrera’s boyfriend.
Still, it’s kind of hard to focus on that right now, when, up until less than a minute ago, he was genuinely convinced he was not seeing Kiara until Christmas. But there she was, standing in front of him a full five months ahead of schedule.
“Ho-how?” His voice cracks, but he doesn’t care. “We zoomed an hour ago. You were on your way to Tromelin an hour ago.”
Kiara winces, stepping closer. “Actually, I was in Heyward’s back room an hour ago. I don’t know how you didn’t even realize something was off when my phone was literally up my nose.”
He snorts, a little delirious, but he still can’t believe any of this is real. He shakes his head. “Kie, you have things—”
“I wasn’t going to miss this, Jage,” she cuts him off, voice softening when she says his name. She chews on the inside of her cheek and tilts her head to the side, frowning like she can’t believe he would ever think she would.
If he’s being honest with himself, a part of him knew she wouldn’t. Because it’s Kiara, and she’s too good for him. Because she loves him, and she always shows up, and selfishly he wanted her to, even though the more rational side of his brain knew that she had other things to do that were more important than this. So he just convinced himself that she couldn’t be here, and told himself he was okay with it, because he was.
Except that she showed up, and the way his heart is hammering in his chest, overwhelmed that someone would ever do something like that for him, is terrifying. It makes him want to run from it, because he’s not used to someone caring so unconditionally. He’s not used to someone putting him first.
But he’s tried it before, running from Kiara. Felt himself splitting at the seams those short few weeks when he tried to escape all the things he felt for her, and the things she felt back. As scary as loving her is, the alternative is worse.
Kiara is patient with him, so patient. Hands the bottle of champagne to John B and stands there, bracing herself for him but never pushing. JJ shakes his head lightly, closing the distance between them, sinking into her the way he always does.
He feels warm in the circle of her arms. Safe, when she wraps herself around him, soft fingers brushing the hair on the back of his neck. He slips his own arms around her waist slowly, surely, savoring every moment and holding her as close as he can.
That he gets to do this without any reservations now is crazy to him.
When he pulls away, she keeps an arm slung lazily over his shoulder.
“Alright,” John B says after a moment, something proud and relieved in the way he smiles at JJ. “Let’s do this. JJ, will you do the honors?”
Kiara drops her arm then, probably to give JJ more room, but he keeps embarrassingly close to her, forearm brushing her side as he attempts to clumsily open the bottle without elbowing her in the ribs. When he finally manages to pry it open, Sarah lets out a surprised screech as the champagne sprays straight into her face. JJ laughs loudly, foamy liquid spilling all over his fingers, running down his arms and soaking the edges of his cutoff. Dotting the toes of his black combat boots and Kiara’s yellow vans, and she only hiccups a laugh but doesn’t move away, accepting the glass that Pope hands her and licking her fingers clean when JJ fills it up and ends up spilling some more champagne on her hand.
When he breaks the bottle over the bow, Kiara’s looking at him like he’s the most important person in her life. It only scares him because he knows it might be true. She certainly is, to him.
Pope pats him on the back, after a moment, smiling up at him. “So, are we taking her out on the water?”
JJ grimaces. “Well, I am. You’re not.”
He feels like shit because they went through all of this trouble for him, and he has to ditch them for a job. And he might be sinfully rich now, with enough money to last him years and years and years even if he never works again, but he can’t bring himself to ditch a work commitment. Has spent too many years with an ache in his ribs and a hunger in his belly to risk it.
Sarah gasps dramatically, while the rest of his friends look at him in varying degrees of appalled. “Excuse me?”
Except Kiara. Kiara looks… amused.
JJ frowns. “I have my first charter in 15 minutes, so we’re gonna have to break her in together later.”
“Harsh,” John B mutters, but he starts walking away, making his way off the boat.
Cleo shrugs. “Don’t love this, but gotta respect the grind.”
The rest of his friends start filing away after John B, except for Kiara, who stays pretty much rooted in place, a spark of mischief in her eyes.
JJ shoves his hands in his pockets, eyes narrowing down suspiciously when he looks at her. “You’re not getting off?”
Kiara shrugs. “I’m already here. No use getting off now.”
JJ frowns, confused. “Kie—”
“You owe me a charter.”
JJ rakes a desperate hand through his hair. If he had known Kiara was going to be there, he would’ve never scheduled a charter for today. There are very few things he would rather do than take his girl out on his boat.
“I know, and I promise we’ll take her out together later, but I have a paying customer—”
Kiara nods. “Right. Madame Tortue.”
Some faraway part of JJ’s mind registers that he didn’t mention the name on the booking, but he’s too busy feeling like shit to pay it any real mind. Having to pretty much blow his girlfriend off when she flew across the ocean to be there for him is not his idea of a fun time. “Right, so you see, she’s Spanish or something—”
“French,” Sarah says from the dock, looking awfully amused when JJ turns to her.
“Right, French, thank you,” JJ continues, waving his arms frantically in Sarah’s general direction, desperately trying to make Kiara see. “She’s French, and they don’t mess around.”
Kiara hums, crossing her arms over chest and biting the inside of her cheek. Her loose curls are blowing all over her face from her perch on the boat, her oversized shirt billowing in the wind. She looks beautiful.
It makes JJ feel even worse.
“Hey, JJ, do you know what the French word for turtle is?” Pope asks, finding his footing on the dock and turning to look at them. His eyes flicker from JJ to Kiara, looking annoyingly entertained by JJ’s misery.
JJ grimaces again. It’s not the time for this. “No, why would I know that?”
“Because we all took that one class in high school together,” Pope mutters, and JJ only flips him off.
“It’s tortue,” Kiara says, still looking highly amused.
JJ frowns, shaking his head to try and clear it. He gets the sense that he’s missing something here, but he’s too worked up trying to figure out if he can get out of a charter scheduled for right now to hang out with his girlfriend.
“Well, okay, so this woman’s last name is turtle,” he mumbles, eyes darting between his friends, “which, fine, sounds totally made up unless she’s a ninja-trained crime-fighting turtle, but—“ he cuts himself short when it finally hits him. He’s not making this up, he really didn’t tell Kiara what the name on the charter booking was. He didn’t tell anyone. Which means—“Oh.”
When he looks up at Kiara again, there’s a softness to the way she’s looking at him, even though he’s pretty sure he’s gaping at her with his mouth hanging open. The idea that she would go through so much trouble for him…
Kiara shrugs after a moment, tucking her hair behind her ear in that way she does when she’s feeling a little uncomfortable. “I just wanted to make sure I got to spend some time with you.”
JJ swallows thickly, the words sticking in his throat, eyes unwavering when they look at her. Every time he thinks Kiara Carrera is done knocking the breath out of him, she goes and does something like this. He’s never had someone care this much. He doesn’t understand why she would, only that she does, and as far as he’s concerned, that pretty much makes him the luckiest man in the universe.
“And that’s our cue,” Sarah mutters somewhere behind him, snapping them both out of their trance.
JJ runs a hand through his hair, turning to look at his friends.
“Yeah, this boat’s about to get a lot more action than it bargained for,” John B adds, and JJ rolls his eyes at the same time as Kiara groans loudly behind him.
He flips his best friend off, only to see his face light up in an amused smile, eyes flickering back and forth from JJ to Kiara.
When JJ turns to see what that’s about, he finds Kiara also flipping John B off. He grins.
Their friends start to shuffle off at once, Cleo throwing them a peace sign before she walks away.
Pope turns around when he’s halfway on the dock, throwing them a thumbs up. “At least sanitize after you’re done!”
JJ rolls his eyes and resists the urge to flip another one of his friends off, turning back to Kiara instead and jumping on his boat.
His boat.
It sounds insane even thinking about it.
He scratches the back of his head, coming to a stop in front of her. “You know, you didn’t have to pay just to hang out with me. I would’ve spared you a few minutes.”
She rolls her eyes and he grins wider.
“I guess I just wanted to try a different power dynamic than what we’re used to,” she shrugs, cocking her head to the side. “You know. Rich Kook lady and her chauffeur.”
“Interesting,” he mumbles, jumping off the boat again to loosen the mooring line. He leans down and starts to untie the noose, peering up at her over his shoulder. “And did you have a plan in mind for the next few hours, Madame Tortue?”
“Kinda.” The sound of sails flapping in the wind and seagulls roaming in the air is loud, but he also thinks her voice is lower than usual. The way it is when she feels unsure. When she’s worried that whatever she’s about to say will not go down well. So JJ straightens up, dropping the rope and walking over to stand in front of her on the dock, giving her his full attention. It’s one of the things he’s been working on, since they got together. To remember to put her first, too. That he’s not the only person with problems, and just because hers look lighter on the surface, doesn’t mean that they are. She tucks a lock of hair behind her ear. “I, uh, got our surf boards and fishing rods in the back of the car. I was thinking maybe we can hit up Ocracoke, catch a few waves. Maybe go fishing later, grab some food on the boat.” She pauses, tucking another piece of hair behind her ear. The wind is strong enough that it doesn’t stick at all. “I've rolled a blunt too, and I might even try to distract you while you steer the boat, all captain-y and shit,” she adds, teasing, taking a step closer and biting her lip as she brushes his shoulders tentatively.
Despite all of her bravado, JJ can still see the uncertainty behind her words. They’ve been together for almost a year now, and she still worries she’s overstepping sometimes. That she’s gonna say something that’s going to make him bolt. In her defense, he’s done that before, but he doesn’t think she realizes just how much he’s come to depend on her. How desperate he is for her to stick around, and never leave him. And then she goes and does something like traveling for 24 hours just to see him and plan out the perfect day for them… it’s not the first time he thinks he doesn’t deserve her, and it won’t be the last.
He shakes his head, hands coming up to rest on her hips. “Kie…” He’s not good at this part. Displays of affection, especially in public. He was never taught to love. He was taught to fear and to be angry, to wear armor and swing his fists. The first time John B let slip a love you, dude, JJ didn’t speak to him for three days. He squeezes her hips gently. Tries. “Don’t you have, like, some turtles to save right now?”
She shrugs. “The turtles can wait a little bit longer,” she tells him, relaxing in his arms a little and winding hers loosely around his neck. Her eyes meet his. “Why? Do you hate it?”
JJ shakes his head. She could not be further from the truth. “You’re my favorite person.”
He doesn’t miss the surprised look on her face, even as she smiles. “What?”
JJ moves closer, circling her waist and locking his hands together on the small of her back. “If you ever tell anyone I will deny it,” he threatens loosely, rolling his eyes and looking vaguely over her shoulder, “but, even though JB’s my best friend, you’re my favorite, Carrera.”
He means it.
Kiara grins in a way that makes his stomach unravel. She pushes herself up on her toes, pressing her lips to his.
And because he loves her, and because he never thought anyone could make him feel like this, when they pull away, he leans forward again and presses a kiss to her cheek.
Kiara’s whole face brightens, before she tries to bite down the smile. Fails, but JJ appreciates the effort. They both have a reputation to uphold.
“Yeah, You’re alright too, I guess,” she shrugs. JJ rolls his eyes. Kisses her again, and allows her to pull him in for a hug. Her voice is muffled in his shoulder, low and soft, but he hears it. Feels it reverberate through his body. “I love you.”
JJ sinks into her. “I know.”
She doesn’t mind that he doesn’t always say it back.
He remembers one night when they first got back from South America, when the nightmares were especially bad and he woke up drenched in sweat, images of Luke’s fist on Kiara’s cheek plaguing his vision. She’d held him and told him she loved him. He didn’t say anything back, tongue heavy in his mouth, her shirt clutched desperately in his fingers, holding onto her as close as he physically could without hurting her.
He felt bad in the morning, for not having said it back. Couldn’t find the words to explain why he couldn’t, but in the end, he didn’t have to. Kiara had just kissed his cheek and let her hand linger on his shoulder. Stole a bite from the sandwich she’d made him and told him it was more important for her that he knew she loved him before walking away. That he believed it.
He still struggles with that sometimes, but it’s easier to remember now. Kiara will never force him to do anything he doesn’t want to, but she won’t ever take his bullshit. She’s patient with him, and she will believe in him enough for the both of them on days when he feels off. She loves him, and she argues with him, and there are very few things she won’t do for him.
And JJ might force himself to believe he deserves it now, but on days like today, when she’s looking at him like this, he still wonders how he got this lucky.
The words are stuck in his throat, so he doesn’t try to push them out. Presses a small kiss to her shoulder, instead, and hopes she gets it.
He figures she does.
*
JJ hasn’t had a lot of good days in his life. He can count them on one hand, in fact. Three of them have to do with the Pogues. The fourth one is a day he doesn’t like to think about much, when Luke had made an extra buck he decided not to blow on drugs or booze. His parents had both been sober long enough to decide that taking a road trip to the water park up in Powells Point was a good idea. JJ tried every slide, and his dad went into the wave pool with him, and his mom let him have ice cream for dinner. The next morning his mom bought a bottle of vodka and locked herself up in her bedroom for three days straight.
In a weird way, it taught him to appreciate the moment, because the other shoe will always drop at some point.
So he cheers so loud that half the beach looks up when Kiara rides the perfect wave and makes it all the way to the shore, and he almost lifts her off the sand when she runs into his arms screaming “did you see that?!”, and he smiles fondly when she tells him he might as well quit because neither of them are doing a more perfect run today.
They grab sandwiches from the food truck by the surf shop, after, and buy John B a hideous taco-patterned shirt from a small souvenir shop by the beach, and JJ wraps an arm around Kiara’s shoulder when they’re walking back to the boat and presses a kiss to her ear on a whim, because he can’t believe she did this for him and because he loves her and because he’s learning that it’s okay if she knows. She won’t use it against him like his parents did.
They take the boat out far enough that they can still see the coast but can barely make out the people, and he smiles when Kiara just winks at him with a wicked grin and dives straight into the water.
There was a time when she wouldn’t. For a good six months after they got back to Kildare, Kiara stuck to the shore, never more than waist-deep in the water. She never told JJ not to go in, but he could see it. The way she held her breath anytime he was in the water, eyes glued to him. The panic on her face when any of the Pogues went under.
She had nightmares, too. Often. He did, too. Not very different from hers, he suspected. Of callous parents and angry treasure-hunters and machete-wielding criminals.
About six months after they got together, he’d startled out of sleep one morning, when he felt Kiara’s fingers slip right through his, two disfigured silhouettes that looked eerily like Mike and Anna pulling her away from him, her screams echoing in his ears. She was next to him, when he’d woken up, back pressed entirely to his side. He’d waited until his lungs stopped burning every time he exhaled, then kissed her shoulder softly before getting up.
She’d followed him out about half an hour later, down to the beach that stretched in front of John B and Sarah’s new house. Had linked her fingers through his. To pull him away, he’d assumed, and find a way to convince him not to go in the water. Go back with her instead. But she didn’t. No, when she’d laced their fingers together, it was to ask him if he would go in with her. JJ had only nodded, and made sure to keep his head above water the whole time, and let her grab onto his hand for as long as she needed.
He follows her into the water now. Sprays her when he’s close enough, the sound of her laughter something he wants to memorize. She presses her lips to his after, and sprays water into his face mid-kiss, the traitor, and then she wraps herself around him and doesn’t let go until their bones get so heavy that JJ has to hold on to the side of the boat to stop them sinking.
She makes sure he goes on the boat first. JJ doesn’t question it, even though every instinct in his body tells him it should be the other way around.
The breeze picks up in the late afternoon, the dusk air cold on their skin, and Kiara unfurls a couple of hoodies from her backpack, both JJ’s. Tosses one at him and buries herself in the other, before she fishes a small tin can from the front pocket. She opens it to reveal a tightly-rolled blunt.
She hands it to JJ wordlessly, and he nods in thanks, digging his Zippo out of his pocket and lying down on the deck. Kiara undoes her bun, letting her hair flow in soft curls down her back, before she lowers herself onto the deck, lying back and scooting until she’s pillowing her head on JJ’s stomach, almost perpendicular to him.
He smiles to himself when he feels the weight of her on him, warmth sinking into his bones despite the chill. He lets his free hand wander, fingers tracing across Kiara’s arm and leaving goosebumps in their trail. She scrolls through her phone for a few moments, only stopping when the sound of Bob Marley floats from the other side of the boat, where her small speaker is.
Yeah, today is a good day. Good enough that JJ almost went through the entire day without thinking about Kiara having to leave again in less than a week.
She takes a drag from the blunt, handing it back to him. Grabs the hand ghosting over her arm, and starts playing with his fingers. She hums. Asks: “Do you really think we can pull it off? This long distance shit?”
JJ almost wants to smile. Of course she’s thinking about the same thing. Of course she is.
He tries to mask the fear in his voice. Keeps it level, tone light and teasing. “Why? Are you planning on running off with some turtle-loving guy who only uses bamboo straws and remembers to recycle every day?”
Kiara laughs lightly, the sound leaving a fluttery feeling in JJ’s stomach. He loves making her laugh. She shakes her head, twisting his thumb ring around his finger and observing his hand like it’s the most fascinating thing she’s ever seen. “Nah. Now if he didn’t use straws at all on the other hand…”
JJ huffs a small laugh, rolling his eyes and smiling down at her when she looks up grinning. He passes the blunt back to her before flicking her forehead lightly, and she takes it greedily, throwing her head back and taking a drag, her other hand still tangled with his.
“Dumbass,” he mutters, allowing his fingers to linger in her hair. It’s not like he hasn’t thought about it before. About how much better Kiara could do, and how much better she really deserves. About how he should let her go, because she doesn’t need some fucked up saltlifer like him holding her back. But he’s selfish like that, he’s decided since. He wants good things in his life, even if he doesn’t deserve them, and that’s Kiara. “We survived square groupers, a crazed treasure-obsessed kingpin, our parents, the ocean, Ward Cameron, Rafe Cameron, Rose Cameron, pyro-Topper, my incredibly dumb decision-making, getting stranded on an island, Kitty Hawk, crashing my bike on an overpass—”
Kiara inhales sharply, effectively shutting him up. “Don’t even bring that up—”
He did regret it the second it came out of his mouth. It’s one of Kiara’s least favorite things to talk about. Not that JJ is always keen to discuss the night he almost got killed, but he remembers telling John B about it once when they were all together, and about how it was actually one of the coolest moves he’d unintentionally attempted, and Kiara shut him down so fast, he would’ve been embarrassed if he hadn’t see how badly it affected her. He tried to laugh it off, after, but she only pushed herself off the grass and told him he was an asshole, leaving all their friends sitting in stumped silence. He went after her, because he was not always completely incompetent, and she told him that he wasn’t allowed to joke about that night because she thought she’d lost her best friend. Because it was maybe the worst night of her life, and that was saying something considering she’d had a lot of pretty shit nights in the past few years. Because she loves him, and he’s not allowed to downplay that or act like his life is a joke to anyone.
“I’m just saying, we’re gonna be fine, Kie,” he reassures now, fingers threading through the curls fanned out on his stomach. “You got me. Even if you do end up falling in love with some turtle-saving asshole, it doesn’t matter. I’m not going anywhere.”
When Kiara looks up at him this time, her smile is a little sad, and JJ wonders once again why he couldn’t be the type of person who would drop everything in his life to follow her around. Why she wouldn’t let him be that person.
“I couldn’t even if I wanted to, you know,” she says, her voice so low it barely carries over the breeze. “Love someone else,” she clarifies, passing the blunt back to him. “I can’t shake you off.” She shakes her head, curling her fingers tightly around his and pulling his arm until it’s stretched across her chest, chin resting on his forearm. “Been trying to since I was 12.”
JJ feels his breath get stuck in his throat. He doesn’t know what to do with it, most days. All the affection she doesn’t try to hide anymore. Doesn’t think he deserves it.
He tries to keep his tone light when he speaks. “Are you saying you’ve had a thing for me since you were 12?”
Kiara rolls her eyes. “No.”
He was kind of teasing, before. Trying to find something to say that would carry them out of the desperation that’s starting to claw at his insides, tearing past his skin, digging into his flesh painfully. But now he thinks he’s hit the nail right on its head, and it’s kind of impossible to believe.
He frowns, fingers tightening around Kiara’s hand, eyes trained on her face. “Oh my god, you have! You totally have.” It hits him then. Everything that’s happened since then. All the pain he went through, and all the times he thought Kiara would never ever be his. “That’s why you hooked up with John B,” he realizes. “And with Pope. To make me jealous.”
Kiara scoffs, straightening up and twisting around to wave a slightly menacing finger at him. “I was mostly confused about what you were to me, but don’t flatter yourself, dude. That kiss with John B literally came out of nowhere, like, I don’t even know what gave him the idea to go for it. And Pope was a bad bet I made with myself.”
JJ grins. “Me.” When Kiara frowns in confusion, he lets out a low chuckle. “I told John B to go for it. I thought you were into him.”
“JJ!”
JJ raises his free hand, keeping the other one firmly around Kiara’s. “What was I supposed to think? You were always touching him, and kissing his cheek and shit.”
Kiara huffs. “Because he’s my friend! It’s called being affectionate, JJ.” She relaxes slightly, scooting next to him until she’s sitting cross-legged, knees digging into his side. He keeps his arm on her leg, fingers grazing her thigh.
He shrugs. “You never did that with me or Pope.” His stomach tightens uncomfortably, something unmistakably like longing crawling under his skin. It’s silly, because Kiara’s literally his girlfriend. He has no reason to feel jealous, but some unreasonable part of him wishes. That they didn’t waste time tiptoeing around each other. That they were always this close. His fingers tighten on her leg. “We were your friends, too.”
She shrugs. “Pope is the most touch-averse person I know.” She pauses for a moment, picking at a thread in the side of his hoodie, something almost sad in the way she holds herself. “And you always kept me at arm’s length,” she adds. “John B was the only one that didn’t make me feel like it was a personal offense that I cared about him.”
JJ feels a little bit like an asshole. She’s not trying to make him feel like one, he knows. Just being honest, because it’s the one thing they promised each other - you can be honest with me, Jay. It’s just you and me - so he knows that he doesn’t really need to apologize for it, nor is she expecting him to. He bites the inside of his cheek, trying to meet her eyes. He moves to hand her the blunt, but she shakes her head before his hand reaches her. He stubs it in the tin can by his side instead, keeping the remaining half intact and closing the lid.
The air feels heavier, but when he taps her leg lightly with the pads of his thumb and forefinger, Kiara meets his eyes. “And you and Pope?”
“That was stupid of me,” she mutters, propping her hands on top of the arms on her legs, fiddling with the rings on her fingers. She twists her thumb ring over and over, the one JJ used to wear around his pinkie, and when she looks down, her lashes skim the top of her cheeks. JJ feels a flicker of something just above his ribcage. “I tried to feel something I kinda knew I couldn’t.”
He swallows thickly. “Why’d you do that?”
“It was easier than trying to parse through my feelings for you,” she admits, looking up at him, rows of curls falling around her face and down her arms, grazing the top of JJ’s arm. “Or hoping you’d make a move I was sure was never going to come,” she adds, chewing on her bottom lip.
It’s not like JJ isn’t vaguely aware that they’ve been circling around each other for the better part of a decade, always missing one another by a moment, always walking along the same path, but never quite aligned. Until that fateful day, a little over a year ago now, when JJ thought her parents had managed to rip her away from him for good.
It’s just that hearing her say it always knocks him a little off his feet.
“You know I’ve had a thing for you pretty much since we met,” he says, voice low.
You can be honest with me, Jay. It’s just you and me.
The small smile that finally flickers on Kiara’s lips brings with it a sense of relief JJ that didn’t know he’d missed so dearly, and he realizes he’d been holding his breath for most of this conversation. Kiara shakes her head, poking him lightly in the side.
“Wow, talk about embarrassing,” she teases, shaking her head. He scoffs, moving his arm from her lap to press his palm to her face, shoving her away lightly. She laughs into his hand, grabbing his fingers with both of hers and pulling his arm back into her lap, one hand circling his wrist and the other playing with his fingers again. She sobers up, something almost regretful in the way she looks at him. Like she also wishes they didn’t waste so much time. “You never did anything about it.”
“I thought you were out of my league,” he admits.
She shakes her head. “Who the hell can be out of your league, JJ?”
She means it, is the problem. He knows she does. Can see it in the way she looks at him, somewhere between exasperated and fond, her eyes reflecting the truth in the sentiment.
“Kie…”
“You’re still the only one who can’t fucking see it,” she mutters. “How fucking amazing you are.”
JJ straightens up, because he still can’t always take it. All the love he has for her, and the love she has for him in return.
“Okay, this is turning into some emotional type shit, so I’m gonna cut you right off,” he mumbles, leaning forward and reaching a hand to run through her hair and towards the back of her neck, pulling her in for a kiss.
Despite the way she continues to shake her head, a little exasperated, she comes willingly, grabbing the front of his shirt and meeting him halfway.
“Whatever,” she mutters against his lips, and she kisses him hard enough to distract him, the way he wants her to.
You can be honest with me, Jay. It’s just you and me.
She deserves more, is the thing. She deserves a boyfriend who will give her reassurances when she seeks them. Who will let her know that against all odds, he has faith in them. That he’s not willing to let her go, as long as she’ll have him by her side.
When he pulls away, she doesn’t move back, her hand resting over his heart. She takes a long moment to open her eyes, but he’s ready for her when she does. Smiles, brokenly, and fits his thumb in the corner of her mouth.
“Hey,” he whispers, leaning forward to press a soft kiss to her lips. “We’re gonna be just fine,” he tells her when he pulls away. “I promise. I got you, Kie. It’s just you and me.”
Kiara smiles. Runs a hand over the dimple in his cheek before she pulls him in by the drawstrings of his hoodie again, wrapping her arms around him tightly. JJ does his best to reciprocate, draping his arms over her shoulders and pulling her close.
He feels, more than hears, her muffled “Yeah?” Smile and all.
JJ kisses the side of her head.
Thinks about 12-year-old JJ, and kind of wishes he could go back and tell him that in six years, he gets to kiss Kiara Carrera whenever he wants.
Smiles.
“Yeah.”