Chapter Text
The cold breeze hit his face and if it was not for his mask, his lips would become chapped, the winter is almost over, but the nights are still as cold as if it had just begun, he thought about stay at his room, under his fluff blankets before head to the airport next day, but it was his last day in Tokyo and he wished to enjoy it one last time before coming back home.
He loved Tokyo, especially Tokyo nights. Tokyo brings all the bravery a young boy would have in his twenties, to look for what he wanted the most, to look for passion, fun, pleasure, love. The illuminated streets remind him of his young days, and how he was looking for those same things, how brave he used to be.
Tokyo still remembers him of one person, who used to bring him all that shit young boys have been looking for.
Walking through the streets he soon catches sight of a souvenir store, and his legs almost take him there without noticing. Jaehyun loved souvenirs, he liked to give gifts to his friends and family to silently say that he remembered them. He likes how those little gifts become palpable memories registered not only on his mind, or in pictures, but maybe on that little piano still placed on his dresser.
Although this time a postcard caught his attention before anything. It looked vintage, not like the cliche postcards, but like one from the nines and Jaehyun loved it since he saw it.
He catches the pen the store left on a table close to the postcard stand and writes without thinking. His Japanese calligraphy is messed up and poor, it's been a while since he studied Japanese, but even so he writes a message.
Yuta, I hope you're happy, I hope you're loved, like you deserve, I hope you didn't forget me, as selfish as it is, I hope you miss me as much as I miss you.
J.
Jaehyun regrets right after, he drops the pen as his eyes scan it and realizes what he wrote, he quickly pays for everything and leaves the store to come back to the hotel in hurry.
It was like a pest, he couldn't stop thinking, one time it began it never stopped, and the pest was his thoughts, he needed to put it on a full stop, it is getting ridiculous. He threw the postcard on his bed and caught his notebook and pen, and so he wrote.
Tokyo, March 10
I don't know what I'm doing, have we ever known what we are doing in life? Of course you're thinking you know, you always know.
I have to confess, I was thinking about you, have I ever stopped thinking about you? This time, like all the others, I got a paper and started drafting a letter. I'm writing this for the thousandth time as if I'm going to send it to you, wondering what will you think, if you will reply, if you will calm me stupid for sending you a letter in 202X but I couldn't hold it, I miss you.
I miss you and I don't think I will ever stop, I'm not blaming it on you, I could never, I'm not that selfish, I just want to say, I miss you.
Anyways, how are your days? I heard you're recording a new drama, did you like it? How is your character? Tell me, please, I want to know.
What about me? I'm working on my new album. I'm thinking about job offers, I want to act again, I think it is a good idea. I'm reading more, trying to lose myself even more in between words that in the end are not going to make sense, just like my thoughts (I'm sorry you have to listen to it) I'm trying to finish a new drama I started watching on Netflix, even if I don't have time for it. I'm drinking a little too much, smoking a little too much and I hate myself for this.
But I miss drinking with you, smoking with you, shopping with you, drinking coffee with you, I even miss things I can't even remember the last time we did. I miss hugging you, I miss holding hands with you, I miss kissing you, even if I barely remember the touch of your lips against mine, is it possible? Maybe I just miss having a chance to do it, having you so close that the idea that it could happen is so palpable it hurts me, because I could never ask for it, I never had the right to ask you for something so selfish like asking you to love me.
But I do regret it. Every day you dance through my mind, I regret not being selfish. I regret not asking for that hug, for that kiss, for that last night. I regret not asking for you to just love me, love me, love me a little more.
Is it too much?
I'm being too much, right? Too much stupid? Too ridiculous? I hope you forgive me at the end of this letter. I hope I get over you at the end of this letter, maybe I will after finally writing what I wanted too much to just confess to you over all these years, but I was a coward to do.
I just remembered something. Do you remember that time we went to Brazil and I started searching for Brazilian music? So I found something, it was a song with a poem inside and there, the singer, with such a beautiful voice, said:
"All love letters are ridiculous
They wouldn't be love letters if they weren't ridiculous
I also wrote, in my time
Love letters like all the others, ridiculous
Love letters, if there is love, have to be ridiculous
I wish I had the time when I wrote, without realizing it
Ridiculous love letters
But in the end, only creatures who have never written love letters
Are the ones who are ridiculous"
I always thought my feelings were a bit ridiculous. Now I understand. I was in love and I regretted and denied it so many times, just to now write you a love letter. Maybe I'm not that ridiculous anymore as the poem says. I was ridiculous when I couldn't say to you that I loved you. I'm being ridiculous now saying that I loved you when I couldn't even get over you after all these years, when you are still the main character of all my reveries.
I love you, Yuta. And I'm scared that maybe I will never stop.
I'm not waiting for your reply because I'm never sending it to you, because after all I will never stop being ridiculous, and you always knew it.
Take care, Yuta.
From Forever Yours,
J.
...
It's been a while since Jaehyun got himself in a suit, it's also been a while since he appeared to the public, exactly 2 years since NCT 127 got in a hiatus and he started his military service. He's not that nervous, years of being an idol under the spotlight of camera flashes made him used to the attention, used to the bad comments that do not even reach his thoughts at night before sleep anymore, but even so, he puts on more concealer and blush to make him look more healthy.
"Ready, Jaehyun?" His manager shouts from the living room.
Jaehyun cleans his throat, "Yes, Hyung." He walks through the door, cleaning his sweaty hands on his thighs, making his manager smile. It's been a while since they worked together too.
"Nervous?" He asked.
"Excited." Jaehyun answers. It is true, he is excited, this press conference he is going to attend is the first since he came back. It is his first work since NCT's last album he worked in, it is his first romance drama since Dear M., and so different from Dear M. that it just made him excited to try new things since he read about the drama’s plot, excited to see how his fans will react, who will be his co-workers, how people will receive the news that Jeong Jaehyun will star a BL drama.
...
Flashes, and more camera flashes turn Jaehyun kinda blind, gladly he has his specks on and his manager guiding him with a hand on his shoulder, people talk, people screaming and Jaehyun smiles as he finally enters the tvN building without tripping on his shoes or something.
Jaehyun is not late, but it looks like most of the other actors, screenwriters and directors are already sitting at the big table with the script in their hands. Jaehyun doesn't hate attention, but that many people turning their heads to look at him made him just a little bit nervous. Soon he understands why.
He sits on an empty chair at some actress's side, and watches as another actor enters the room and everyone looks at him with surprise, even Jaehyun does. Nobody got the cast list, it was all secret, he wondered how the director chose him and the other main character to be the couple when she had never seen them together to confirm if they "match".
"Hi, Jaehyun, I'm Yoon Seo-ah, nice to meet you." Says the actress sat at his side, taking him from his reveries.
"Hi, nice to meet you too." He gives his dimple smile and watches her smile back, she's cute.
"Nervous to meet your romantic partner?" She asks just as Jaehyun hears a laugh.
"I just hope he's handsome." He jokes, and she chuckles, but Jaehyun can’t pay too much attention when that laugh behind him was too much like one he could never forget.
"I'm sure he is, look!" Seo-ah whispers, turning her head to the door and Jaehyun does the same.
He's not going to say he didn't theorized who's going to be his partner on this drama, he even imagined how it would be if they casted some of his famous crushes, like Lee Dong Wook, specially Lee Dong Wook, but he never expect his romantic partner in a damn BL to be Nakamoto Yuta, pretty and confident, on his leather jacket, long black hair, and red lips.
Jaehyun tries not to look so much, tries not to show his surprise, but he does, his eyes follow Yuta as he sits across Jaehyun on the table, but avoids him when Yuta's just as surprised eyes meet his, like they used to do. He never could look at Yuta for too long, it was dangerous, forbidden, because what if he falls in love again?
The whole conference goes normal, Jaehyun evites Yuta's eyes, Yuta does the same, but when he needs to, he looks fast, but he does. They read some scenes, they comment about their motivations to accept the role, what they think about the plot and everything goes well, before Jaehyun sees they are saying goodbye and thankful heading home.
Although nothing is easy to Jaehyun. His manager left early because of an emergency and now he had to wait for an Uber, and everything would be ok if not for Yuta also waiting for a car at his side, alone in the parking lot with him.
He hears Yuta cleaning his throat at his side, "Hmm, so we're finally going to kiss on cam..."
Jaehyun chokes on his water, "Yeah, I think so." He smiles, he tries to avoid Yuta, but it was Yuta, Jaehyun couldn't not look at him. So he does. He raises his eyes and meets Yuta already looking at him, and it's been years since Jaehyun saw those big black eyes, it shouldn't make him so bad at his knees like it does.
"I didn't expect you-"
"I didn't know-"
They both speak at the same time and laugh at their confusion.
"You first, Hyung." Jaehyun says.
"I didn't expect you to accept a role like that." Yuta says, putting his hands on his jacket's pocket, it is getting cold, Jaehyun wonders if Yuta is still forgetting to bring a second layer when he goes out, he always forgets and gets cold, even when Jaehyun used to remember him.
"I wanted to try something new." Jaehyun explains.
"And shock your fans? Jeez, Jaehyun-ah." He jokes, a smile playing on the corner of his lips, ah, that smile. "But I got it, it's good try different roles and be different people."
"You know well, right? But, I'm not as good as Hyung, I'm just a beginner." Jaehyun teases and Yuta laughs, pushing his shoulder and making the touch burn even under Jaehyun's two layers of winter clothes.
"I'm being real, you're really good, Yuta. I hope I learn a lot with you."
Yuta never knew how to receive compliments from him, but Jaehyun never cared too much, he liked to see Yuta's rosy cheeks and shy smile, just like the one he has now.
"Yuta-" A voice takes Jaehyun from his daydreams.
"Ah- It's my-" Yuta doesn't have time to explain before the man approaches them.
"Hi, I'm Ryoki, Yuta's boyfriend." The man introduces himself with a polite smile, and of course Jaehyun knows who is him, he has been on Jaehyun's blacklist for a long time.
I know. "Hello, I'm Jaehyun." He smiles, shaking the hand Ryoki handed him.
Jaehyun watches the way the same hand wraps around Yuta's waist, the way Yuta snuggles at his boyfriend sides because of the cold breeze, Jaehyun feels something inside his chest and not even tries to discover what it is, he just wanted to leave, leave to his home, or to that sour taste on his tongue to leave, he didn’t know which first.
Suddenly the silence makes the atmosphere weird, but thank God no one has to break it, because soon the boyfriend is whispering something in Yuta's ear and he is saying goodbye, leaving that terrible situation. Jaehyun wonders if he really wants him to leave.
"Bye Yuta, good bye Ryoki, see you." He says goodbye too and watches them entering the car. That weird atmosphere does not even make sense, he has never been nothing more than a friend to Yuta, as miserable as it sounds inside his mind, but it's the truth, and overthinking it just makes him more miserable than he already is.
He sighs and hears someone cleaning their throat at his side.
“Hi, Jaehyun.” It was the director, Da Seul. She had emailed him, herself, asking for him to accept the work and that he won’t regret it, unfortunately he thinks she was wrong.
“Hi, why did you choose me, Da-sii? Dori Sakurada was not available?
Da Seul laughs loudly, body trembling along, when she’s over, she looks at him, seriously, like asking if he wasn’t joking.
“Dori doesn't have the dimples you have.” She says, while looking for something on her phone.
Jaehyun bit his lip, dimples popping on his cheeks almost to confirm Da Seul’s point, “Just because of this-”
Da Seul doesn't let him finish, she locks her phone and looks at him, she points out the dimples and smiles, “And Yuta seems to like to look at your dimples.”
Jaehyun gets speechless, so the Director keeps going, “You’re not the only one looking in silence, Jeong, everyone realizes- Oh it’s my Uber! Bye Jaehyun, hope we work well, bye, bye.”
“Bye, Da-sii, get home safely.” He shouts.
When his Uber arrives, he doesn’t engage in a talk with the driver, he says good night and stays silent all the way to his home, since the sour taste never leaves his mouth and questions burn his brain even more.
Jaehyun pats his pocket and takes his phone, he opens the chat of the only person that he can talk about it that is not his therapist, because poor woman, she deserves to have her night sleep, she doesn't need his drama at this hour, but Johnny doesn't have a choice.
John Suh
Bro
I'm so fucked
Oh God
Is this about Yuta?
Of course it is.
...
"-And then he walked in and I was like what the fuck is happening?" Jaehyun continues to explain what happened to Johnny, he attentively listens to Jaehyun.
Yesterday when he went home, he took a shower and fell on his bed, tiredness took him and for that 8 hours of sleep under his fluffy blanket he forgot that damn universe joke. As soon as he wakes up, Johnny shows up at his door with a coffee and Jaehyun could finally unburden all that happened.
"I'm really surprised he came back to Korea for it." It's the first thing Johnny says.
He sits on the couch close to Johnny, he feels like he wants to cuddle, to hug someone, but he just hugs the pillow anyways, "I'm too."
"And he came back to be your romantic partner in a drama." He says like Jaehyun doesn't know, like it is not tormenting him.
"We have no idea who was going to be casted."
"I know." Johnny takes a sip of his coffee. Jaehyun takes from his coffee too, sour, too sour. "But how do you feel about it?"
"You're my therapist now?" Jaehyun jokes but the look Johnny gives him makes him apologize for it, "Well, It's a new opportunity, a good one, so-"
"I'm not asking about it, Jaehyun." He turns to look at Jaehyun, "I'm talking about your crush on Yuta."
Jaehyun let out a humorless laugh. He doesn't know how it would be if he didn't have Johnny to talk about this silly, stupid thing over the years, maybe he would shelve everything and let it stuck inside his heart just like that letter and postcard stuck inside his drawer.
"I got over it, Johnny, it's been years-"
Johnny stops him, "Why are you lying to me?"
Jaehyun hugs the pillow close to his chest, he looks at Johnny and he looks relaxed, head propped on his hand and legs crossed, Jaehyun wished be that relaxed too, "It's stupid, he's already dating someone and someday I will get over it" He says in a breath, Johnny eyes are soft, used to listen to this same speech over the years. "I just need time." Like always.
"Want a hug?" It's all Johnny asks, open arms to Jaehyun.
Jaehyun nods and as Johnny wraps his arms around him, he softly thanks Johnny, "Thank you for listening, John."
"You're welcome, Jaehyunnie." He whispers against Jaehyun's hair.
...
Jaehyun's character is a office worker, as well as Yuta's, they are simple and mainly, working 8 hours inside a office, so when they show up at the set in the first day Jaehyun shouldn't be that surprise when he sees Yuta's new hair, now short covering only his ears, because he should cut his too, but just a day before the stylist called him saying he shouldn’t, letting his stay big and fluff covering almost all his nape, but Yuta, Yuta always mesmerized Jaehyun, in any hairstyle.
"Good morning, Jaehyun." Yuta greets him, a coffee on hand, a big robe over his grey suit and a small smile on his lips.
"Good morning, Yuta Hyung." Jaehyun answers, taking the coffee from the table and shivering when it hits his tongue and it's too sweet, he leaves it on the table, but when he raises his eyes Yuta is handing him his own coffee.
"I think we got it changed." He says and Jaehyun would deny it, but he really needs his first coffee of the day if he wants to survive the whole day.
Jaehyun takes a sip of the coffee, this time good coffee hits his tongue and he smiles grateful, "Thank you."
Yuta smiles at him and walks away when the stylist calls him, not taking the other coffee, Jaehyun tries not to think too much about it.
He does think too much about it, and other things like be so close to Yuta after a long time, even if is not Yuta, is Adachi his gently coworker, or better is Na Yeon’s gently coworker, so he should be professional and not freak out when Yuta's character roll his chair to where his character is sit pretending to work and slide his arms around his shoulders making him freeze.
"Want to have some beer tonight, Hyung?" Ah, hyung, Yuta's character is also younger than his too, and it also shouldn’t affect him but it does and makes him stupidly stutter his lines.
“I- I can’t- shouldn’t- shit, I’m sorry, can we start again?” Jaehyun looks for the director who drops her script on her chair and gets close to them.
“Don’t you remember your lines, Jeong?” She kneeled close to Jaehyun’s chair. Da Seul had a hat on and bangs falling around her face, she was nice, but Jaehyun didn’t expect her to be nice when he was messing her piece.
“Just nervous, Da-sii.”
The director’s lips before in a straight line now turn on a smile when she gets up and tells Yuta to get close again, “Do your lines, Nakamoto.”
"Want to have some beer tonight, Hyung?" Hirai Adachi says, rolling his chair close to Na Yeon, and putting his arm on Yeon’s shoulders. His lips adorn an easy smile, friendly, but just a little bit mischievous.
Na Yeon hates that smile, which makes Adachi look even more stubborn. He makes an annoying face, rolling his eyes, “I have to work, Adachi, different from you, I have bills to pay.”
“Cmon, Hyung,” Adachi pouts, and Na Yeon tries to clear his thoughts that says he looks cute, because he doesn’t. “Just one, what? Do you prefer wine? You’re old, all the oldies prefer wine, we can have-”
“Do you want me to accept going out with you after you call me old? Go home, Adachi.” Yeon pushes his arm from his shoulder. Adachi’s smile disappears seconds before being replaced by a soft one.
“Adachi-ah, let’s go.” Yeri calls before Adachi tries to convince Na Yeon again.
“So let’s have coffee tomorrow?” It’s asked quietly while Adachi packs his bag.
“Sure.” It was simple too, Yeon decides he can do it.
He didn’t get Adachi’s smile as he agreed. Adachi also didn’t get Yeon's smile dropping when he leaves with Yeri to have drinks.
“Cut.” Da Seul shouts when they say the last lines.
Jaehyun watches Yuta coming back running to where they are, a big smile on his face, meaning he’s having fun, Jaehyun smiles too, without notice, Yuta’s smile was always too contagious, exciting, pretty-
“Jaehyun and Yuta, it was good,” She started as the staff started to clean the set, Yuta sat back to the chair close to his, Jaehyun tried to pay attention to the director and not Yuta’s hands close to his on the table. “But we can be better, Yeon and Adachi are not in love yet, they do not even know this could be love, they have been coworkers for years now, no one would dare mess up this beautiful friendship right?"
They both nod, paying attention to the director's words.
"It's a mutual pining." Jaehyun whispers, because he never liked to make conclusions by himself.
"Exactly, Jaehyun, you have to bring that feeling, that feeling of longing for something you didn't know what is, for something you're afraid of discovering or not discover, it's the confusion, the mess up meanings, the soft glares, soft touches." She moves her hands on the air like that feeling is something palpable, something she can see. Jaehyun has no doubt about it. He also knows that feeling even if he can't see, but feel, burning inside his chest.
The director sighs and gets up with a small smile on her face, "Anyways, I would suggest you two talk and understand what's happening inside these little heads, so we can have a peaceful journey, okay?"
"Okay, Da-sii." They both nod, not looking at each other until Da Seul starts to leave the room.
Jaehyun turns off the computer in front of him, organizes the blank papers his character was working on and sighs before he realizes he's not alone.
"So," Yuta cleans his throat, placing his hand on Jaehyun's shoulder, "Do you want to have dinner together? My house. We could order okonomiyaki. I finally found a good Japanese restaurant here." He giggles.
Jaehyun was frozen on the chair, looking at Yuta's hand against his shoulder, pretty nails that used to be sometimes black, at Yuta's smile, just lifting the corners of his lips while he covered it with his free hand. He smiles back at Yuta, "That would be nice."
Now Yuta's smile is big, on display to make Jaehyun wonder how much more destiny wants to joke with him.
...
Yuta's apartment in Korea was simple, as much as Jaehyun expected a very "Yuta" apartment he should remember that Yuta is just passing through, they could say Yuta was traveling for work. He probably will come back to his very "Yuta" house in Tokyo at the end of the recordings, not that Jaehyun searched about where he lives now, he just happened to like that "Architecture Digest" YouTube channel where by chance Yuta made a video showing his very well decorated apartment.
"Coke or Sprite?" The question takes Jaehyun from his reveries where he is still standing at Yuta's door.
"Coke." He answers, taking off his shoes and weirdly sitting on the soft beige couch, not so close to where Yuta was sitting, ordering on his phone.
"What about your boyfriend?" Jaehyun sees himself asking without thinking before.
"He's back in Japan, to work." Yuta answers, throwing his phone on the couch and bending down to get something on his bag, Jaehyun thanks God that Yuta does not look at his stupid face.
"I thought-" Jaehyun starts but Yuta is faster. Thankful.
"We could use the spare time to practice, right?"
"Yeah, let me get my script." When he gets on the page they were recording today, he watches Yuta taking a look at the next scenes and he knows what's about to come.
"Na Yeon is so boring, he will decline all of Adachi's invitations, he can't see the boy has a crush?" He mumbles, making Jaehyun laugh.
"Adachi doesn't even know he's in love, Hyung."
"Ah, Jaehyun-ah, always so romantic, but I do think he knows, Na Yeon also knows, it's impossible not to realize, all the signs they show, gosh they are in love, love."
"Sometimes they are too dense to realize." Just like you, Jaehyun would like to say, but he doesn't.
"Yeah, maybe," He nibbles on his bottom lip and finally stops on a page, "Act 2, page 50."
Flipping through the pages, Jaehyun stops when he sees the "Act 2: Acts of devotion.", at the beginning of the page. He sighs.
"Don't you think it's weird how we didn't need a test." Jaehyun looks up to where Yuta is reading the script with a frown.
"Na Yeon hands Adachi the plate, even when Adachi already has one. He drops that one, and gets Yeon's one, as well the fork and the knife he hands him right after, even if Adachi can get it easily on the table in front of them.
He always does that. Help Adachi when he last needs, helping him like he doesn't do with everyone, as Yeri likes to point out when they drink together.
Adachi thinks about it more than he should."
"When everyone did one? Yeah, I do." Jaehyun chuckles.
"Maybe we are perfect for each other." Yuta says simply.
Jaehyun's eyes wide, before he hears Yuta giggling and the bell ringing, all happening before his eyes.
When the bags reach the center table, he's helping Yuta organize it on the table without thinking of something more, something else.
"Perfect for each other." Ring on his ears. For the characters, he remembers.
Yuta hands Jaehyun a plate, and Jaehyun pour Coke on his cup and Yuta's, they always worked like that, in silence, knowing exactly what the other needed. Jaehyun missed it.
The okonomiyaki was delicious, not even a bit like the one they did years ago on that V-Live, remember it takes a chuckle from Jaehyun.
“Why are you laughing?” Yuta asks, a silly smile already adorning his red lips.
Jaehyun hands him a napkin, and Yuta cleans where the mayo smears on his cupid's bow.
“Remember that V-Live?” He asks back, and Yuta chuckles looking down where he is cutting the okonomiyaki with his hashi, his cheeks look rounded from where Jaehyun is looking at his side profile, not so sharp like before.
Yuta puts a piece on Jaehyun’s plate, as well as some sushis, and looks up at him, “Yeah, we should cook together someday again.” Definily rounded, it’s good to know he’s eating well, he looks soft under the dim yellow light, but honestly he always has been.
“For a live?”
“No, just for us.”
Jaehyun watches him get the script on his hand again and open on that same page again.
“What would you like to eat?” Jaehyun asks when he sees Yuta nibbling on his bottom lip, a nervous habit he never lost. Knowing some things stay like in the past make Jaehyun a bit more comfortable, since he always has been lost in the past.
“That fried rice you used to make for us.”
Jaehyun tilts his head, holding the urge to brush the hair that falls down Yuta’s eyes.
“I can make it for you tomorrow.” Jaehyun reaches for Yuta and finally tucks the strand of hair behind his ear, taking it from his eyes.
Yuta smiles, still looking at the script and Jaehyun hates himself for missing it so much.
Jaehyun drops his arm on the couch behind Yuta and asks, “My house is ok for you?”
Yuta nods, “Yeah, we can go after recording and practice a little more.”
“Ah Hyung, always working so hard.” Jaehyun leans forward, resting his head on his hand and watches Yuta finally look at him.
Yuta lightly pushes his shoulder, smiling softly and resting his head close to Jaehyun’s, “For the sake of old days, Jaehyun-ah.”
Jaehyun thinks that for the sake of old days Yuta could start kissing him again, but he knows it’s not good for his health, not even for his heart. Looks like that for the sake of old days Jaehyun is back to being selfish with his own heart, craving things he can’t have.
He chuckles, getting up and organizing the table, he hears Yuta sighs but pretends to not.
“Start with your lines Hyung, let’s practice to not disappoint Da-sii.” Jaehyun says, placing the cups together with the plates to take it to the kitchen sink.
“Yeon Hyung, why do you hate me?”