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In the garden, stood a man and a woman, one's back turned to the other. With the way they regarded each other as of late, and the way they stood in that moment, you would never believe they used to be closer than ever.
Alexander stood, not too close to Elizabeth, afraid of overstepping an unspoken boundary they both knew was set firmly in place. It was already rare seeing her so close to him, regardless of which way she was facing. It seemed as though she tried her hardest to avoid the man.
The two had gotten into this hot mess when Alexander had decided to royally screw up and have an affair. I’m sorry, he said, a million times to her. The apologies, all of them having the same intensity and meaning regardless of how many times he repeated them, fell upon deaf ears. He understood, and would act the same. Alexander expected Elizabeth to never look at him again. He didn't want to look at himself either.
The letters that she had written him, her messy handwriting and misspelled words that made Elizabeth seem all the more cuter - they were all gone, swallowed by flames and reduced to ash. Alexander had cried to himself after the woman had thrown every last letter into the fire and stormed off. The letters were the only thing he had keeping him sane these days. And now they were gone. The last he had of his Betsey’s (although he didn’t deserve to call her that anymore) love, what made their relationship all the more special, the memories. They were all gone.
At least one child had spoken to him, though. His eldest son, Philip. And he was a bright young man. So much was ahead of him.
The man cherished all of his children. He loved them all. He was absolutely and utterly full of love for all seven of his children, regardless of how distant he may have seemed. Except, he only had six to love and cherish now. Yes, he had royally screwed up, indeed. Twice. He had given the stupidest advice of his life, and his son paid for it. It was all his fault. His baby , his Philip, was dead.
His heart was shattered. He was broken, a dead man walking. But he already had been. That was just the cherry on top of the cycle of people leaving over and over and over . The cycle of pain he had been put through his entire life. Of course, that wasn’t enough, because now he had lost one of his babies. Now his family was breaking, and he was at fault.
What sort of a man was he?
He didn’t feel like a man. He felt like a monster - a monster who did nothing but destroy and hurt.
The man monster had no right to have the woman in his face speak, or even look at him, but he needed to see the woman’s beautiful eyes once more. To see her stunning smile and he would then be able to die happy. He would leave her alone if he saw her barely crack a smile for him, once more.
Just once. Give him the chance.
“Elizabeth,” he said. He hadn’t used his usual pet names, thinking he didn’t deserve to even be talking to her, so using pet names was a very far stretch. She stiffened. Almost as though she hated hearing the words come out of his mouth. Or maybe she missed it.
He wasn’t about to get his hopes up, so he just assumed it was the former. She turned her head to the side, but didn’t look at him. He didn’t expect her to.
“Hamilton,” she said. Her tone was firm and strict, like it sounded when she was scolding one of the kids, but there was an undeniable softness to it. As long as she was talking to him, he thought.
“I’m… I’m so sorry, ‘Liza,” he whispered. Elizabeth shook her head and looked forward again. He reached for her hand, but she ripped it away, and walked away.
Of course Elizabeth would be uncomfortable with him touching her hand. What the hell was he thinking? Another screw up to add to the ever growing mountain of shame and guilt and sadness.
He was a monster who destroyed and hurt.
He went to go follow her, standing a good distance away so as to not scare her away again.
“Elizabeth. I- I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I…I have no excuse for the affair. That was wrong of me. I’m sorry. I-“
“You just never are satisfied, huh? The affair, our son? Our baby , Hamilton. Our child,” she said, pain seeping into her voice. It cracked, and every time it did, a part of him cracked as well.
“I know, god , I’m sorry. If…If possible... if there was a way, Elizabeth, I would trade places with him without a second thought. I would much rather have Philip here. I would rather die a thousand deaths if that would mean he could still be here. Oh, Elizabeth, if I could only have Philip here again, and to see you happy again. I only ever want you to be happy." She turned in alarm at his words, but didn’t look him in his eyes. He wouldn’t look at himself in his own eyes. He didn’t blame her.
“I’ve been such a terrible person - I’ve been a monster , I know. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he repeated, like it was the only words he knew how to say. They were the only words he wanted to say.
His legs gave way underneath him, and he fell to his knees, a sobbing, shaking mess. He didn’t dare touch her, but he wanted to grab her hand and press kisses to it and beg for her forgiveness.
He couldn’t believe himself. He couldn’t believe he dare even break her heart in such a way - he had shattered it in two of the worst ways possible, and he still craves for her to tell him that she forgives him, that she loves him.
How could she love him? He’s a monster.
He felt her eyes on him as he continued blubbering ‘I’m sorry’s through tears like a fool. He couldn’t care about how he looked - what mattered was that she understood how much he meant it.
She walked a little closer. Then closer. And closer, until she was in front of him, and she stood there, silently watching him for a moment more, before she kneeled down in front of him and, for the first time in months, placed a tentative hand on his shoulder.
His head shot up to meet her gaze and, through the heavy haze of tears in his vision, he saw her giving him the tiniest of smiles - something that was more than enough for him, and he sobbed harder.
“I forgive you,” she whispered very quietly, and he stared at her incredulously for a long moment, tears steadily streaming down his already stained cheeks. The smile on her face grew a little. She pulled him into a light hug, and Alexander lost it even further. He cried into her chest, clutching her dress like it was a lifeline. She rubbed his back, shushing him gently. Her hand stroked his hair delicately, and he felt his tears soaking through her dress.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry -“
“It’s okay, I forgive you.”
Her arms tightened around him and for a moment, everything felt bearable. He was still shattered and broken over everything, but with Elizabeth there, who understood and was willing to forgive him, to show him an ounce of love once more - he felt like it might be okay.
“I love you,” she whispered, and through heaving sobs, he whispered back shakily.
“I love you too.”
It might be okay.