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There is a loud sound. Which shouldn’t surprise Maria since three bombs were just detonated. But this sound is much closer. She blinks, sees the gun in Nick’s hand, looks down at herself.
Huh , she thinks, there’s a hole in my hoodie. And a stain . The stain spreads. And then she’s falling. Down to the ground.
It turns out they’re right. You do see your life flash by at the moment of your death.
____
She has a hard time reconciling the girl in front of her with the reputation of the Black Widow. This girl is so small, so young (although according to her file, she is only two years younger than Maria). She doesn’t look like she can hurt a fly, much less the men she’s assassinated.
Until one of the agents puts his hands on her. It triggers something in the girl and the only way Maria can describe it (and the way she actually does in her report) is feral. Even with her hands cuffed in front of her, she manages to swipe the legs from the agent who touched her, headbutt another one, and get a third in headlock. Maria draws her weapon, but is afraid it will be useless. There is too much motion to get a clean shot.
“Natasha! Nyet!” Barton commands.
Romanoff freezes, looks at Barton. He shakes his head slightly. “You’re fine,” he says softly. “Fine. Let him go.”
It takes a moment but she does, immediately reverting to the girl she was just moments before. One of the agents she took out stands and shoves her roughly.
“You’re relieved, Agent Rollins.”
He looks up sharply. “But she - ”
Maria hardens her voice. “That will be all.” There’s a reason they call her Hardass after all. He mutters something under his breath, but slinks away. “Barton, can you show her to her quarters?”
He is staring as if he doesn’t quite know who Maria is, but slowly nods. “Sure thing, Agent Hill.” Moving closer, he takes care not to touch Romanoff. “Come on, then,” he urges, gesturing down the hallway.
She watches for a long moment. What the hell has Barton gotten them into?
____
Maria can’t say she’s surprised to see Romanoff in the gym at three in the morning. She’s been here for a month and has apparently run through nearly all the young male agents. To the point where none of them want to spar with her anymore.
Maria, herself, has just gotten off a double shift, coordinating a strike on a facility in Eastern Europe. She should probably sleep but has too much pent up energy. So, here she is.
She only debates with herself for a moment before offering, “Wanna spar?”
Romanoff is hitting the heavy bag. Hard. She pauses and looks over at Maria. There’s just a hint of haughtiness to it mixed with some amusement. “Are you certain? The boys have all stopped fighting with me.”
She chuckles. “I’ve never really been interested in what the boys want to do.”
Romanoff’s eyes widen - just a fraction - before settling back to her usual expression. Maria thinks she wants to ask something, but instead she shrugs and steps toward the padded floor. They square up, slowly circling each other. It’s Romanoff who makes the first move, a feint toward Maria. She knows it’s not a real attack, more an effort to get Maria to show her hand.
The first real effort is Maria’s, leg sweeping out. Romanoff sidesteps it. But that was Maria is banking on, she lunges forward, driving her shoulder into Romanoff’s midsection and taking them both to the ground. Romanoff grunts and slips out of her grasp, giving a small nod of appreciation. They spar for another twenty minutes, trading a few blows (Maria is going to have a bruise on her cheek, she has no doubt). She finally sees her opening and makes her move, realizing too late that it’s a trap. Romanoff has her pinned on the mat, thighs bracketing her hips, knees holding down her arms. Her mind spins for a moment, trying to find a way out of it, but ultimately decides there’s not. Plus, she is now actually tired. So she slaps her hand on the mat three times, tapping out.
Romanoff smiles and rolls off her. Once on her feet, she puts out a hand to help Maria up. “You lasted longer than I thought you would, Agent Hill.”
“Next time I’ll be the one pinning you.”
Romanoff laughs, a genuine deep laugh. “I will look forward to that.”
____
“Ma’am.”
Maria looks up sharply and the agent addressing her visibly wilts. She does not know where they find some of these recruits. She arches an eyebrow, the only indication that he should continue.
“There’s a…situation.”
“A. Situation.”
He swallows hard and nods.
It takes every ounce of self-control not to roll her eyes. “Show me.”
He leads her down the corridor and around a corner. Before he can say anything, she sees it. She looks from the person huddled in the corner to the agent and he just shrugs.
“Romanoff?”
She does not look up and Maria notices that she is clutching her side and mumbling to herself.
“Romanoff,” she tries again. No response. “Where’s Barton?”
“On leave, ma’am.”
Fuck. Inwardly, she sighs. “That will be all.”
“Are you sure? I can - ” At her glare, he cuts himself off and nods before hurrying away.
Maria kneels down on the floor. “Natasha,” she says in a much gentler voice than she is used to using with anyone. “Natasha, it’s me, Maria.” She’s pretty sure that touching a trained Russian assassin who is undoubtedly traumatized is a bad idea. So she doesn’t.
It’s the third ‘Natasha’ that does it. She looks up. “Maria?”
“Yeah, it’s me,” she says, hearing the relief in her own voice. “Can you get up?”
Slowly, Natasha climbs to her feet. Blood is seeping between the fingers on her side.
“We’ve got to get you to medical. They need - ”
“NO!” Natasha plasters herself to the wall and looks around wildly.
“Natasha,” Maria’s voice is still gentle, “you’re hurt.”
“I’m fine.”
“You’re not. The doctors can - ”
“No! No fucking doctors!”
Maria has read the file. She knows exactly what the doctors of the Red Room have done to Natasha and girls like her. She can’t say she blames her for not trusting SHIELD’s. So she nods. “OK, OK. Can I take you back to your quarters? Would that be OK?”
It takes a minute but Natasha nods. “Y-yes.” She pushes off the wall and nearly falls over.
“Can I touch you? Would that be OK?”
She looks at Maria warily, but ultimately accedes. Maria narrates as she slides an arm around Natasha’s waist, taking most of her weight. Together, they move gingerly through the corridors until they reach Natasha’s quarters. She places her hand - the one not currently holding her insides inside - to the security plate and the door slides open.
Now is not the time to look around as much as Maria might be curious. She deposits Natasha on the bed and goes into the bathroom. All agents have first aid kits under their sinks and Natasha is no exception. She brings the kit out and puts it on the bed even as she’s opening it.
“How bad?”
Natasha grimaces. “You probably have a decent chance of pinning me.”
She grins, just a little. “That bad, huh?” More seriously, she asks, “Can I look?” When Natasha goes to grab the hem of her shirt, Maria yelps. “Let me do that!” As soon as Natasha nods, she slowly pulls the shirt up and over her head, letting it fall to the floor. No, she is not going to notice that Natasha is half-naked. Just like she is not going to notice that this room is almost completely bare. Instead, she sets to work. The wound is not terribly deep but will require stitches. “Would it be OK if I stitched you up?”
“Yes. Yes. I trust you.”
____
The phone rings and Maria dries her hands on a towel. Natasha has trusted her to cut vegetables and that’s about it.
“Hello.”
“Maria.”
She smiles and shakes her head slightly. “Hi, Mom.” She hasn’t called her mother lately.
“How are you?”
This is code for ‘Are you seeing anyone?’ so she shakes her head despite that fact that her mom can’t see her. “I’m fine, Mom. Still no girlfriend. Sorry.”
They chat for a few moments before she says that Natasha needs her assistance with something. She probably doesn’t, but Maria can’t tell her mother much about her work so, after they talk about what she and Dad have been up to, the conversation peters out. She says good-bye and hangs up the phone.
To Natasha, she says, “Sorry about that. I haven’t called them in a while.”
She shakes her head, eyes focused on dinner. “It’s fine.” Then there is a long pause before… “So they know? That you are…that you like…”
It takes Maria a moment to understand. “That I’m gay?” She laughs. “Mom was more upset when I told her I’m never having kids.”
Natasha turns fully, spatula in one hand. “Never?”
She shrugs. “Not like I can get married. And my work is kinda my life, you know.”
“Yes,” she agrees. “And they were alright with you…”
It occurs to Maria that she doesn’t know a lot about Natasha’s upbringing aside from what is in her file. Occasionally, she makes mention of Ohio and Maria has pieced together that she was part of a ‘family’ while there in deep cover. “They were. Things weren’t like that in the Soviet Union?” She knows they weren’t, but wants to let Natasha take the lead on this.
“No,” she says, returning her attention to the pots on the stove. “It would not have been acceptable. To be…different. In any way. Including…that.”
Maria makes a noncommittal sound and changes the subject. “What else can I do to help?” she asks as she peers over Natasha’s shoulder.
____
“Sir?”
Fury rolls his eye. “I know your hearing is impeccable, Hill. So don’t make me repeat myself.”
Nicholas J. Fury, head of SHIELD, first class badass, wants her to be his deputy. Deputy Director Maria Hill. She’d never imagined this would happen. But it has.
“Yes, sir. Of course not, sir. I - I’d be honored.”
“Excellent.” He turns his attention to some paperwork and Maria knows this is her signal to go. So she rises, smooths her uniform pants, and heads toward the door.
“Hill.”
“Sir?”
“There’s nothing that is going to impede your ability to do this job, is there?”
She narrows her eyes, unsure what he’s getting at.
“There is nothing and no one that will prevent you from performing your duties, is there?”
He fixes his good eye on her and inwardly she blanches. This is about Nat. Fury knows that they are…close. Maria thinks they’ve been inching toward something more than friendship. But she’s not entirely sure; it’s hard to tell with Natasha. Outwardly, she stands up straighter.
“No, sir,” she says confidently. “I won’t let you down.”
____
The cut on her cheek is shallow and nothing compared to the way her mind is spinning. Aliens. With alien space ships. Aliens attacked New York. It was one thing for Thor and his friends to come to Earth; they looked human at least. These things…did not.
Someone knocks on the door to her quarters and she debates not answering. Really all she wants is to hitch a ride down to Earth and find Nat. She’s kept her at arm’s length for the past few months; she’s Natasha’s boss now. However, she’s never really off duty so she opens the door. To find the exact person she was thinking about standing there. Nat looks exhausted but unhurt.
“Nat, you’re OK?”
She nods and steps into the room without waiting for an invitation. “Are you?”
Maria’s hand goes to her forehead. “It’ll heal,” she says with a shrug.
Natasha nods and squares her shoulders. “I know you’re my boss.” Maria does not care for the air quotes she’s put around ‘boss’ but says nothing. “But today all I could think about was whether you were alright and whether I would get to - to tell you how I feel.” She’s a lot closer to Maria than she was a moment ago. But she stands her ground, waiting to see what Nat will do.
“And how’s that?”
She rolls her eyes. “You know, Maria. I - I want you.”
Her eyebrows are up before she can stop them. “You do?” She’d kind of thought Nat did, but she didn’t think she’d ever summon the bravery to admit it, to admit that she wanted a woman. Her conditioning went too deep sometimes.
Nat invades her space even further. “I do. And boss thing? Well, I barely listen to Fury as it is. You’re not much different.” She can’t disguise the little grin on her face.
Maria sighs. This is going to complicate things. Immensely. But today made some things apparent. This thing with Nat is one of them. So she leans in. “May I?” she whispers, her lips a hair’s breadth away.
She doesn’t answer, just closes the tiny distance between them and kisses Maria.
____
This is not Nat kissing her. Nat’s kisses are playful, tongues darting, curling, teasing. Even when they are hungry, there’s that element of playfulness, of joy. But now…well, Nat is not herself.
Maria pulls back.
“Are you OK?” she asks softly. Her hands are under Nat’s shirt, splayed across her back.
“I’m fine.” She leans in to kiss Maria.
“You’re not.”
She unwraps her arms from Maria’s shoulders and climbs off her lap, taking up residence on the armchair across, as she tugs her boots on. “Maybe I should just go.”
“Nat.”
No response.
Quietly, but very firmly, she says, “I don’t want or need Black Widow. I just want Nat. You know that, right?”
She concentrates very hard on lacing up her shoes, harder than she needs to, than anyone - except maybe a toddler - needs to. So Maria rises and kneels on the floor in front of the armchair. “Meelaya.” She wants to touch Nat, but doesn’t, merely waiting until she meets her eyes. “And we don’t have to do anything until you - Natasha - are ready.”
Nat gnaws at her bottom lip for a moment but finally nods. Maria smiles. “Should we finish the movie?” She pauses and decides to take a risk. “And you can stay?” The upward lilt of her voice is not exactly what she intends, but at the same token, it needs to be a question, something that Nat can give an honest answer to.
She sighs and nods. “Yes. To both.” She gives Maria a quick kiss, a normal kiss, before leaning down to unlace her boots. “And Meelaya?” She quirks an eyebrow. “Somebody’s been brushing up on her Russian.”
Maria gives a shrug. “Maybe,” she says as she returns to the couch. A moment later, Nat sits beside her, leaning against her. Maria puts an arm around her as she hits rewind on the remote to find where they were.
____
Sand. Everywhere. And the heat. Especially with all of their gear. And the helmets. She clutches her rifle and scans the horizon. The speck in the distance comes closer. It’s a truck. She knows what it contains, knows that it needs to be stopped. Only she can’t do anything, can’t move. Can only clutch her rifle tightly in her arms, so tightly her fingers go numb. Stop , she wants to scream, stop it .
The explosion happens in slow motion. The truck catapults onto its front wheels as it flips over, as she is blown backward. Her head thunks against the ground and, when she turns it, she sees Miller screaming. Something about his legs.
“Maria, wake up.”
She thrashes against whatever is pinning her to the ground. They’ll kill her if she doesn’t get up. And someone needs to help Miller. He’s still screaming.
“Masha, sweetheart, wake up. You’re safe. You’re OK.”
As she opens her eyes, she flings herself from the bed, scanning for the exit. Back pressed against the door, she sees Nat sitting up in bed. They’ve only been sharing a bed for a few weeks now.
“Baby, wherever you were, you’re not there.”
“Nat?” Her voice sounds rough and she wonders if she’s been screaming.
She nods. “Yes. Do you think you can come sit?”
Mouth pressed into a thin line, she can only shake her head.
“OK, that’s OK. Can I come over there?”
That would be OK so she nods and slides to the floor, back against the door, knees to her chest, arms wrapped around them. Her throat hurts and she’s positive she had been screaming. Nat sits beside her but doesn’t touch her. Resting her head on her knees, Maria murmurs, “‘m sorry.”
“I have them too. Nightmares.”
She looks up at this to find Nat staring into the distance. She shifts until their sides are touching and rests her head on Nat’s shoulder.
____
The sound of music greets her and she stiffens for a moment. Nat isn’t supposed to be back for another week. On the other hand, she doesn’t really think that if someone is here to take her out, they would be playing…Mariah Carey?
“Nat?” she gambles, even as her hand curls into a fist.
She replies, “In the kitchen.”
Maria relaxes just a bit. Nat is in the kitchen, wearing one of Maria’s button downs. It’s too big on her but still shows a lot of leg. She bends over and slides something in the oven. Maria can see her panties. Knowing that Nat is not intentionally trying to tease her, she just shakes her head and opens a cupboard to take down two wineglasses.
“Thought you weren’t going to be back until next week,” she says, pouring them each a glass from the bottle of red she’d opened earlier in the week.
Nat shrugs as she turns around. The shirt is only buttoned to her breastbone and Maria knows she’s not wearing a bra. “Wrapped up early.”
The mission report can wait until tomorrow, until they are Avenger Black Widow and Deputy Director Hill. Tonight, they are just going to be Nat and Maria. She hands a glass to Nat who immediately sets it on the counter and wraps her arms around Maria’s shoulders.
“Missed you.” She is so close Maria can feel her breath on her lips.
“Hmm, did you now?”
“Mmmmhmmm.” She closes the distance and kisses Maria. Who tries very hard to bite back her moan as Nat’s tongue darts into her mouth. She doesn’t think she’s very successful. “And I want to show you how much I missed you.” Another deep kiss and then she pulls back. She slowly undoes one button, then two, and then three.
Before she can shrug it off her shoulders, Maria says quietly, “Are you sure?”
There is no hesitation, only a grin. “Yes.” The shirt is off and puddled on the floor as Maria steps forward, hands on Nat’s ass, and lifts her as they head toward the bedroom.
____
Maria has known and liked (although if she’s being honest with herself - or anyone else - it’s more than that) many Natashas. The one who knows all the words to TLC’s CrazySexyCool , the one who loves Dr. No , the one who is surprisingly good at pinball, the one who never manages to wake up until after breakfast is ready, the one who usually starts with an ice cream cone and ends up with ice cream all over her, the one who haltingly talks about her past in the dark after they’ve gone to bed. But this one may be her favorite.
Natasha Romanoff, the Black Widow, deadly assassin, current Avenger, is attempting to fly a kite. Lila and Cooper are running alongside her, Cooper shouting instructions and Lila shouting encouragement.
It takes a minute but the wind finally catches the kite, sending it soaring.
“You did it, Aunt Nat!”
Nat is standing there, slack jawed and wide eyed. At least for a moment before the wind dies down and the kite bobbles. Then she breaks into a run again.
“Lemonade?” Laura asks as she hands Maria a glass and takes a seat next to her on the porch.
She accepts it with a thanks and takes a sip. Followed by a bigger gulp. It’s really good.
“You know she’s never brought anyone here before.” This is matter of fact.
“I’m not going to - ” Maria protests.
Laura shakes her head and smiles. “That’s not what I meant, Maria.” She’s quiet for a moment as if giving Maria time to work it out.
“She means a lot to me, too.”
“I figured as much since you’ve spent the last half-hour sitting here watching her try to fly a kite with my kids.”
Half-hour? She hadn’t realized it had been that long. She is grateful she’s never been a blusher.
“Don’t worry. I’ll never tell anyone that the Deputy Director is a big old softie for her girlfriend.”
She rolls her eyes. “Thanks.”
They watch for a few more moments before Laura stands. At the doorway, she stops and turns back. “You should tell her. How you feel. Because she won’t. Not first.”
The kids (and right now, she considers Nat one of them, only slightly bigger) fly the kite for a little while longer before they all come bounding toward the porch and up the stairs.
“We’re gonna get a snack,” Lila declares.
“Sounds great,” Maria replies. “Can I borrow you for a minute?” she asks Nat before she disappears into the house.
Nat nods and says, “Save me a popsicle!” Once the kids are in the house, she sits in the chair Laura has recently vacated. A strand of hair has escaped from her ponytail and she blows it out of her face. Which is red. Maria isn’t sure if it’s from the sun, the wind, or the exertion. All she knows is that Nat looks beautiful without a single swipe of makeup.
She reaches for her hand. “There’s something I want to tell you.”
Eyes narrowing, her body tenses slightly. “Alright.”
“I - ” OK, this is more difficult than Maria imagined it.
Now, Nat looks even more wary. “Masha?”
“I love you.” There. She said it.
Nat is just staring. In fact, her expression looks pretty much like it did when she got that kite in the air. Wonder, awe, a tinge of disbelief. The silence stretches out and Maria starts to get nervous. Not that she said it. Because she means it. But she’s worried about Nat’s reaction.
“You don’t have to say it back. I just…I just wanted you to know.” She’s torn between tightening her grip on Nat’s hand and loosening it in case she wants to escape, in case it’s too much. So she settles for not doing either. Nat can pull away, can run, if she wants.
Finally, Nat’s lips pull upward, stretching until she’s smiling so widely. “You do?”
“Wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t,” Maria’s voice is gruffer than she intends, but honestly it’s a ridiculous question.
“Me, too.”
____
Maria is coming back from the cafeteria with two cups of terrible coffee. She exits the elevator, turns left, and stops in her tracks. Someone is hugging her mother, someone with a shock of red hair. She’s stuck for a moment as her brain tries to process the fact that Nat is here.
When the call had come about her father’s emergency surgery, Nat had been away on a mission. She’d left a message, telling her that she didn’t need to come. Maria knew her feelings on hospitals and doctors and, as much as she would’ve liked her there, she wasn’t going to force her.
Someone brushes past her. “Commander Hill?” When she looks over, Rogers is standing there with a brown bag in his hands. “Thought you could use some food.”
The two of them make their way over to Maria’s mom. Rogers leads her into her father’s room as he tells her about the food.
She turns her attention to Nat. “What - what are you doing here?”
Nat rolls her eyes. “Masha,” she says quite seriously, “you didn’t think I’d let you do this alone, did you?”
She shrugs. “I know how much you hate hospitals.”
“Well, I love you more,” Nat replies as she wraps Maria in her embrace.
____
The tears are absolutely real. But they are not for Nick Fury. Because he’s not really dead. And Maria knows it. No, the tears are for Nat, for how devastated she looks. She wants to wrap her up in her arms, tell her the truth. But orders are orders.
Which is what she tells Nat after she saves her and Rogers and the other guy. After she realizes that Nat is bleeding from a bullet wound in her shoulder. After she takes them to see Fury. Who is alive and well and spouting some bullshit about not knowing who to trust. She can feel Nat’s anger as if it were a living thing.
Nat catches her in a corridor of their secret bunker.
“Why the hell didn’t you tell me?”
“I couldn’t. Nat, c’mon. I had my ord - ”
“Don’t give me that, Maria!” It’s rare that she uses Maria’s given name. “You know me! We’ve been together for two years! You know you can trust me!”
“I wanted to, but I - ”
“If you fucking say you had orders again…”
She straightens her spine. “I did.”
“Fuck you, Maria.” And then she’s gone.
___
Pepper knocks on her office door at the same moment that she enters. Maria looks up and debates whether to continue working or not.
“Tony told me about the excitement.”
She sighs, trying to work will be futile. At least for the next few minutes. But she’s not going to make this easy on Pepper. “You mean when the giant robot your other half created tried to kill all of us or when all of the boys attempted to lift Thor’s hammer in a quest to prove themselves?”
Pepper shakes her head and drops into the seat across the desk. “I mean when Natasha and Bruce were flirting all night.”
She presses her lips together in a tight line. She and Natasha are broken up. And have been for the last six months. And it had nearly killed her to see Nat making those moon eyes at Banner as she mixed him a drink, to see them talking quietly on the couch. If he wouldn’t have Hulked out, she might have shot him instead of the robot.
“Maria,” Pepper is using that same fond, yet exasperated, tone she often uses with Stark.
“It doesn’t matter,” she says with a shrug.
“It does matter. Or you’d have moved on by now.”
Without wanting to, she says, “And what if she changes her mind?”
“Oh, Maria.” Now the tone has veered into pity.
Maria shakes her head, intending on returning to her computer screen. There are a lot of metal man sightings to sift through.
“Have you tried apologizing?”
She snorts, “For doing my job? For following orders?”
“You know, following orders and being sorry that you had to aren’t mutually exclusive.”
“If she wants to talk to me, she knows where to find me.” They share the same skyscraper after all. Nat’s quarters are just a few floors below Maria’s office. Maria, when she’d left SHIELD and taken the job here at Stark Industries, had made it a point to find her own place. It was bad enough being in the same building as Nat for 8-10 hours a day.
She hears Pepper’s sharp intake and long exhale and waits for her to say whatever it is she wants to say. Only, instead, she says, “I’d better get back to it.”
Nodding, she agrees, “Yeah. OK.” She waits until she hears Pepper’s heels clicking away and tries to push images of Nat in that black and white dress, flirting with Banner of all people, from her head.
____
“What’s the big emergency, Captain?”
One of the chairs at the conference table spins around and it’s not Rogers, it’s Nat, leg slung over the arm of the chair. When she spies Maria, her eyes widen and she sits up as if she’s been caught doing something wrong.
“Nat? Rogers said he - ”
“Yeah, he told me he needed to see me, too.”
Maria nods. She’s pretty sure that this is some kind of ploy, but, in the unlikely event this is real, she doesn’t want to leave before Rogers arrives. So she sits. “How have you been?”
This is worse than talking about the weather, she decides. Especially when Nat says ‘fine’. She knows she’s not fine, she knows that she is hurt by Banner’s abandonment. It certainly doesn’t make Maria like him any more. She glances at her watch and then, for once in her life, throws caution to the wind. “I was sorry to hear about Banner. I know you were…close.” There, she’s being a grownup. Pepper would be proud.
Nat just stares. Maria suspects she’d have that same look if she suddenly grew another head. Fuck it, she thinks. “And it’s probably too late now, but I - I’m sorry. For not telling you about Fury.”
The silence stretches out uncomfortably so she nods decisively and then stands. Rogers can come find her if he needs her. She’s got work to do.
“You are?”
“Of course I am. I - it killed me to stand there and watch you suffer like that. I’m truly sorry, Nat.”
Nat runs a hand through her hair and then laughs. But it’s more sad than anything and Maria’s heart drops at the sound of it. “Bruce and I - we - we had this crazy idea about running off together. Leaving all of this - ” Her hand sweeps around the room, around the greater facility. “And…” She shrugs. “I don’t know. Living our lives. But he decided he’d rather do that without me.”
“Then he’s an idiot.” She probably shouldn’t say that, not after everything, but it’s true.
“We talked about how we’re both monsters, how we - ”
No. She is not letting Nat go there. “You are not a monster. You’ve never been a monster.”
“But - ”
“No, Natka,” she says more firmly. “You’re not. If anyone is a monster, it’s me. For letting you believe Fury was dead. I knew how much he meant to you. And I knew you could be trusted.”
Nat shakes her head and stands. Softly, she says, “No. You had your orders.”
“ You are more important than orders.”
Suddenly, Nat is a lot closer. “Bruce and I - we never - ”
“It doesn’t matter.” And it doesn’t. Maria doesn’t care what Nat and Banner did or didn’t do. “I still love you. And I don’t expect - mmph.” Nat’s mouth has cut off whatever else Maria was going to say. And she can’t even remember now. Because Nat is kissing her. Maria pulls back. She has to be sure. “Nat?”
“I love you, too, Masha.”
Maria is smiling so widely that her teeth clack against Nat’s when they kiss. And it should be painful but it’s not. Because Natasha still loves her, still wants her.
“Sorry I’m…late?”
They both draw back just enough to see Rogers leaning in the doorway, arms crossed over his chest, grinning.
“Shut up, Steve,” Nat admonishes before she kisses Maria again.
____
Her father wakes up and squints at her. “Maria?”
“Hey, Dad,” she smiles. She doesn’t ask how he’s doing. It’s not well. That’s part of the reason why she’s here, why she’s been taking time away from Avengers Headquarters, hitching a ride on the quinjet from upstate New York whenever she can.
He glances around and she knows that he’s looking for… “Nat’s not here.”
“Yes, she mentioned that she was going to be off on a mission the last time she was here.”
Maria squints. “She was here?”
He nods and raises the bed up a bit. “It was…” He frowns and calls out, “Elizabeth! When was Natasha here?” To Maria, he explains, “Everything runs together now.”
Her mom shows up in the doorway a moment later. “Three weeks ago, dear.”
Nat was here three weeks ago? Maria herself was out in the field. Before she can inquire further, her dad smiles and says, “She’s a good one. You should make an honest woman of her.”
“Dad, you know - ”
“I saw it on the news! You can, you can get married now.”
She sighs. “That’s - that’s not it.” The thought had crossed her mind when she’d heard about the Supreme Court. She’d told herself for so long that it didn’t matter that she couldn’t get married because she didn’t want to. But now, well, things were different. “I don’t know if Nat wants that.”
“Well, she didn’t seem too spooked when I mentioned it to her. Right, Elizabeth?”
“That’s true,” Mom says as she enters the room and fusses over Dad, fixing his blanket, pouring him some ice water, holding the glass for him.
Dad saves her from having to say anything, because honestly she doesn’t know what to make of this. “Just think about it, that’s all we’re saying.” He grasps Mom’s hand. “We’re so proud of you, Maria. And not just because of your job. Because of who you are. A good person who has love in her life.”
She swallows hard and blinks back tears. “Um, thanks, thank you.”
____
Maria can’t say she’s surprised to find Nat packing. Tony had told her that Nat had let Roger and Barnes go, had actively prevented T’Challah from stopping them. It was an obvious violation of the Accords, the ones that Nat had signed (after much discussion between the two of them. Maria was half-ready to pack it in and retire).
“Please tell me you were at least going to say good-bye to me?” she asks, standing in the doorway, arms crossed over her chest.
Nat doesn’t even turn around, continuing to stow things into her bag. “I would’ve left a note.”
“Damn it, Natka! That’s not the same!”
“It’s better if you don’t know where I am.”
“Better for who?”
She whirls around. “You! You can’t be associated with a known fugitive, Masha!”
Nat’s right; she really can’t. But then again, they’ve been breaking rules for years now. “I don’t care about that.” Nat has returned to packing. “We’re going to make some plans. Together . And then you’ll leave tomorrow.”
“I can’t let you - ” Maria strides forward, enveloping Nat in her arms. She half-heartedly fights her for a minute before collapsing against Maria. “‘m sorry. I’m sorry. I just couldn’t let him get Steve. I - ”
“I know, meelaya,” she whispers against Nat’s hair. “You wouldn’t be the person I love if you did. It’s OK. We’ll figure this out.”
It takes most of the night, to figure out where Nat will go, to figure how they will stay in touch. But, as she tells Nat, they are two intelligent spies. If anyone can make this work, it’s them. The planning would probably have taken less time if they hadn’t fallen into bed together several times. However, neither of them knew when the next time would be. Once, as they lay quietly together, catching their breath, Maria almost offers to go with her, to give everything up. But she knows Nat will never allow it. So she keeps quiet. For now. Because she is not letting Nat go indefinitely.
It’s still dark when Nat kisses her and climbs out of bed. Maria watches as she dresses and gathers her things. She sits up and they kiss again.
“I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
“Be safe.”
Nat smiles. “I will.”
____
“Are you sure a certain someone can’t come?”
“Mom!” Maria yelps before tugging her mother into the room that the funeral director had said was for family and shutting the door. “You know that Cousin Lisa’s work schedule is impossible right now.” She is fairly certain that Ross has bugged the entire place. He’s been on a rampage for Nat and Rogers for the past few weeks.
Her mother presses her lips together and Maria sighs. The last week has been hard on them both. Dad’s last few days were not easy. What has come after hasn’t improved much. She is thankful that her parents made all of their arrangements years ago when Dad was first hospitalized. Of course, that only makes her think of Nat.
There is a knock on the door and Pepper pokes her head in. “Sorry to interrupt, but there are a few people here who are insisting on seeing you.”
Fuck. She loves her dad, she really does, but honestly, he knew everyone , it seems and they all want to tell her how much they liked him.
“Yeah, fine, send them in.”
Pepper opens the door wider and a man and woman enter. She closes the door behind them. He takes a quick look around and pulls something from his pocket. Pressing a button, he sweeps it around the room.
“All right, if Stark’s right, you’ve got 10 minutes.”
The woman presses her temple and pulls off a Nano Mask. Maria tenses, not knowing what is going on. She steps in front of her mother.
“Hi, honey,” Nat says.
Maria just blinks. Her mother, however, gets up and hugs Nat. “We’ve been so worried about you.”
“Elizabeth, I’m fine,” Nat says, returning the hug. She keeps her hands on Mom’s arms even as she pulls back. “How are you holding up?”
Mom shrugs. “As well as can be expected.”
Maria interrupts their small talk. “What the hell, Nat? You can’t be here!”
She smiles sheepishly at Mom and steps away to face Maria. “Did you really think I’d let you do this alone?”
“Ross is watching! They’ve got this place bugged!” Even in her anger, she is really glad to see Nat and wants nothing more than to fall into her arms.
Nat says softly, “Masha.”
“Mrs. Hill, would you like to step outside with me for a moment?” says the man. Who Maria now realizes is Rogers.
“Yes, Steven, I’d like that very much.”
He nods, glances at his watch and says, “Five minutes” before they both depart.
Maria opens her mouth but no words want to come out.
“Baby,” Nat says, opening her arms. “C’mere.”
She shakes her head. Nat shouldn’t be here. Rogers shouldn’t be here. In fact, none of them should be here. Her father shouldn’t be dead. None of this should be happening.
“Nat,” she chokes out.
“I know, sweetheart,” Nat replies, stepping closer. “I loved him, too.” She slides her arms around Maria’s waist and holds her closer as she cries.
____
Three rings. Maria waits for a fourth but it never comes. Then one ring. Then two. She snatches the phone up
“I’m not dead.”
“I know.” Maria knows that when that happens - when Nat is dead - she will know it. It’s not very scientific of her, not very pragmatic, but she chooses not to examine this belief too closely. Right now, she’s just thankful to hear from Nat.
“Yelena found me.”
Maria blinks. “Your sister?”
“She is not my sister.”
“Fine,” she replies, rolling her eyes even though Nat can’t see it. “Your fake sister from when your fake family infiltrated SHIELD in Ohio.”
“Yes. Exactly.” She can hear Nat’s smile even through the phone.
“What’s she like?”
“A brat.”
“You don’t say.”
“I am not a brat.”
“If you say so, Natka.”
Nat makes a displeased sound and Maria can only laugh. “She…she’s got this whole imaginary life she’s designed for us. She’s from Ohio. And I’m a science teacher with a son…and a husband who renovates houses.”
She just laughs harder. “That is so…oddly specific.” She sobers slightly. “And what did you say?”
“That it’s not my life.” Nat pauses. “I…I don’t trust her. Not enough to tell her about me…about us.”
“Oh, hey, I wasn’t -” She shakes her head. “That’s not what I meant.”
Clearing her throat, Nat continues, “I don’t know when I’ll be able to call again. We - we’ve got some unfinished business.”
“Nat?”
“The Red Room is still operating.”
“What? Where? I thought you - ”
“I thought I did, too.”
“Nat, where is it? We can help. You don’t have to - ”
“Masha, I don’t know! And I do. It’s my fault.”
“It’s not!” She knows she sounds desperate; she is. “Nat, please let me help you.”
“I - I’ve got to go. I love you.”
Maria only gets “I” out before the line goes dead.
____
Maria has taken two planes, a train, and a boat. She’s met a man named Mason who provided her with fake documents and GPS coordinates. She’s currently in a helicopter flying over mountainous countryside.
“There,” says the pilot in lightly accented English into the intercom as he points. It’s a small village. A few moments later, they touch down and she collects her bag. As Mason promised, there is a motorbike waiting for her. The roads should be passable at this time of year. At least that’s what she’s been told. She prays that it’s true.
Strapping her bag to the back of the bike, she slides on her helmet and kicks the bike alive. It’s not sporty, looking more like something someone put together in their garage. Revving the throttle, she takes off, fishtailing a bit as she learns the bike.
Twenty miles later, she turns off the main road onto nothing more than a gravel path. Suddenly the path ends in a clearing. And there in the middle of the clearing is Nat. Maria brakes to a halt, shuts off the bike, and barely gets the kickstand down, before Nat hugs her. She squeezes back just as hard and then pulls back.
“Let me get off this thing,” she says as she climbs off the bike and drops her helmet on the ground. Then she’s got Nat in her arms again, holding her.
“I’ve missed you so much.”
“Really? Could’ve fooled - ” She never finishes that sentence because Nat’s mouth is covering hers. She’s not sure how long they kiss, but when her hands untuck Nat’s shirt and creep up her back, Nat breaks the kiss.
“C’mon.” She lets go of Maria, pops the kickstand back up, and starts wheeling the bike to the middle of the clearing.
“C’mon?” she echoes. “Where?”
Nat reaches into her pocket and the quinjet appears. The back ramp comes down and she wheels the bike up. “Masha!”
Maria shakes her head and hurries up the ramp. “Do I even want to know how you got one of these?”
She flashes a smile over her shoulder. “Probably not.”
It’s then that she suddenly realizes…”You’re a blonde.”
Running a hand through her hair (which is also shorter Maria notices), she shrugs. “Do you like it?” she asks. Anyone else would have missed the note of uncertainty.
“It’ll take a little getting used to, but…” She nods. “I think I do.”
The two of them slide into the seats of the quinjet and Nat takes off.
“I can feel you staring.”
“Of course I’m staring, Natka. I haven’t seen you in months. Trying to memorize everything about you.” She grins. “You are so beautiful.”
Nat ducks her head and blushes, just a tiny bit, but Maria can tell. “Where does everyone think you are?”
“Wait, you mean I wasn’t supposed to tell them I was meeting the person who broke everyone out of the Raft?” Maria asks, lips twitching.
“I didn’t break them out. I just supplied the getaway.” She flips a few switches to turn on the autopilot and then turns in her seat to face Maria. Reaching out, she runs a finger along Maria’s cheek and her lips. “I’m so happy to see you.”
“Me, too.” She presses a kiss to Nat’s fingertip. “And everyone thinks I am on a cruise with my mother. However, I’m going to take ill and be confined to my room. Norovirus is a bitch.” She leans forward and presses a kiss to Nat’s mouth. “Where are we going?”
“I know a place.”
____
Just as Maria flips the last pancake from the pan, Nat comes strolling in, wearing Maria’s T shirt and not much else. She wraps up arms around Maria’s waist and nuzzles her shoulder.
“Some things never change,” Maria says, wry smile on her face. She turns off the burner and sets down the spatula before turning around. “I suppose you smelled breakfast?”
Nat’s eyes dart away.
“Nat?”
“I, uh, I lost my sense of smell.”
“You what?”
“It was the only way to defeat Dreykov. Sever my olfactory nerve to break the pheromone lock.”
Nat had omitted that part last night as she talked about bringing down the Red Room. For a second time.
“You can’t smell anything?”
Nat shrugs and wiggles out of Maria’s embrace, heading toward the coffee pot and pouring them both a cup. “It could come back. At least that’s what I’ve read.” She holds a cup out to Maria. “And I can still taste.” She raises her eyebrows suggestively.
“Nuh uh. We’re not doing that.” As tempting as it would be to just go back to bed - or even to just do that here in the small kitchen of the former SHIELD cabin, Maria needs answers. “We’re gonna eat breakfast and you are going to tell me about the Red Room. All of it.”
She doesn’t argue, just sets the table. Maria watches as she drowns her pancakes in syrup. While Nat has always had a sweet tooth, she wonders if part of it is to compensate for her lack of smell. As they eat, Nat talks, starting with Finland. The pancakes are gone and the coffee pot is empty by the time she is done.
“Where are they now?”
“Last I heard, Melina and Aleksei were back outside St. Petersburg.”
“And your sister?” Because Nat had admitted to that too, said that they were her family, that Yelena was her sister.
“Not sure.”
“Would you like me to try and find out?”
“Masha, you don’t - ”
“I know I don’t. I’m asking if you want me to.”
Nat nods. “Yes. Please.”
Maria reaches for her hand and brings it to her mouth, kissing Nat’s knuckles. “Of course.”
She smirks and rises from her chair. “What about now? Can we do that?”
“Do wh - ” she asks as Nat settles herself on her lap. “Oh. Yeah. We can definitely do that now.”
____
The phone rings and she doesn’t hesitate to answer it.
“Masha!” Nat’s voice rings out from the other end of the line.
“Nat, where are you?” Because aliens have attacked New York. Again. And Tony is MIA. And Ross had called Fury, shouting about Rogers and Romanoff and Maximoff and that damned robot at the Avengers Complex.
“I don’t have a lot of time. We’re headed to Wakanda.”
“What? I don’t - ”
“They can get it out. The Soul Stone. We can stop Thanos.”
Maria has so many questions. But she knows now is not the time. “Natka, listen, when this is over, when you’ve stopped him” - because she has to believe that they will - “let’s give this up. All of it.” She glances over to see Nick staring at her. She doesn’t care. “We’ll get married, travel.”
Silence.
“Nat, are you still there? Did you hear - ”
“Okay.”
“What?”
“Okay, yes.”
“Yeah?”
“Yes. I - I’ve got to go. I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
Nat disconnects the call but Maria sits there with her phone pressed to her ear for a moment longer. She finally lowers it, stowing it in her pocket. When she chances a glance at Fury, he smirks at her. “I am going to be invited to the wedding, right?”
____
Maria stands by the pond on the Stark property, looking out over the water. They’ve told her that they had a small ceremony for Nat here. She can’t believe that Tony’s gone, that Vision is gone, that Nat is gone. The last five years have elapsed without her (and half the universe’s population) in it. When she suddenly rematerialized, she was almost hit by a car. Fury had pulled her to safety. They’d watched a man fall out of the clear blue sky where a helicopter had once crashed into a building. She’d always thought she would know when Nat was gone, but she hadn’t. Instead, she’d tried to call and gotten nothing.
She senses a presence beside her and inwardly steels herself for someone to try and comfort her, to tell her that Nat made a sacrifice for the greater good. She doesn’t want to hear it; she’s angry, so angry, that Nat is gone after suffering alone for five years. When she turns, she doesn’t see anyone until she looks down.
“Hi,” says Tony and Pepper’s daughter.
“Hi.”
“Did you know my dad?”
Maria nods. “I did. He was a good guy.” She pauses. “I’m Maria by the way.”
“I’m Morgan.” Morgan eyes her. “Wait, you’re Mommy’s friend, Maria.”
She smiles. “I am.”
“Mommy missed you. A lot. She talked about you. On the phone. To someone named Nat, I think.”
Maria feels her eyes well, but she blinks back the tears. This kid just lost her father; she doesn’t need to deal with another person’s grief. And honestly, she’s glad that Nat had someone to help support her. “Nat was my girlfriend.”
“Did she die like Daddy?”
She nods. “Yes, she did.”
“Do you miss her?”
“All the time. Do you miss your dad?”
Morgan nods solemnly. “But Happy says we can do stuff we did together, me and Daddy, and remember him that way.”
“That sounds like pretty good advice.”
“Yeah.”
They stare out at the water for a few minutes.
“Do you like juice pops?”
Maria’s not sure where this is going, but she nods. “I do.”
“Me and Daddy liked them. Wanna go get one with me?”
“Yeah, I would.” As they walk back to the house, Morgan slips her hand into Maria’s.
____
“Got a minute, Commander?”
Maria is surprised to see Rogers standing in the doorway to her makeshift office. The Avengers compound is still in ruins and she and Fury are set up in a trailer on the grounds, trying to decide what the next step in the evolution of SHIELD and the Avengers will be.
“Sure. And Maria is fine…Steve.” Yeah, that feels weird. Nat always called him Steve, her mother called him Steven, and she always called him Captain.
He smiles and sits in the chair across from her. She knows that he and Banner, Hulk, Brulk, whatever he’s calling himself these days are readying plans to return the stones to their proper place. Part of her wants to volunteer. Maybe there’d be a way for her to see Nat again, to save her. But she knows that messing with the timeline can have consequences. So she keeps her mouth shut and lets them figure things out.
“How’ve you been?”
She just raises an eyebrow.
He holds out his hands, palms up. “Sorry. Stupid question.” He fidgets for a moment before drawing something out of his pocket.”I, um, I thought you should have this,” he explains, placing it on her desk.
It’s a box. A small box. One that looks as if it holds jewelry. Warily, she reaches for it, but doesn’t open it.
“It was with Nat’s things. She…it’s for you.”
She opens the box gingerly as if it might explode on her. It doesn’t explode but she feels decimated all the same. There on the blue velvet sits a ring. A simple gold band. She squeezes her eyes shut, swallows hard, and looks at Rogers.
“She told me. That you’d asked her to marry you right before…” His voice trails off. “She was so sure that you’d come back that she bought it. She talked about you. To me. And sometimes when I could get her to come out to our support group. Said you were the love of her life.”
Maria can’t talk about this, can’t talk about Nat. “You had one of those once.” She’s not trying to hurt him. “How - ” Her voice cracks and she swipes at her eyes. “How did you do it, go on, I mean, when you came back and she wasn’t…”
He reaches across the desk to cover her free hand with his own, squeezing gently. “Just take it one day at a time. And I’d like to say that one day it just was easy, but…it still hurts, knowing I never got that time with Peggy.”
She nods, blinking rapidly to clear the tears. “Thank you,” she finally says. “For giving me this.”
____
Her Jeep bounces along the dirt driveway. She’s still not a hundred percent sure of this, but the kids have been asking for months. Laura is standing on the porch, waving, as she parks and climbs out.
“Aunt Maria!” Nate calls, hurrying out of the barn.
She scoops him up, making a noise as if it’s too difficult. He gives her a quick hug and he wiggles out of her embrace. “C’mon, the goats had babies!” he says, grabbing her hand and tugging her in the direction of the barn.
Laura admonishes, “Give Maria a minute!”
Nate shrugs and runs back to the barn.
“It’s so good to see you,” Laura says, hugging Maria.
“You, too.” And it is good to see the Bartons, to see Nat’s family of choice, the ones who took her in all of those years ago.
“I’ve got you set up in the downstairs guest room,” she explains as Maria pulls her bag from the passenger seat and follows her into the house. “I hope that’s OK.”
“Yeah, that’s…that’s fine.” In truth, she’d been somewhat worried that she’d be back in the other guest room, the one that she and Nat had used on their visits.
“Do you want some lemonade?”
“Ye. Please.” While Laura goes to the kitchen, Maria looks around. There are pictures of Nat and the kids (and her in some) on the walls. She smiles, remembering the day Nat had learned to fly a kite.
Just as Laura hands her a glass, the front door opens. “Aunt Maria! C’mon!”
Smiling, she shakes her head. “I’d better go see these goats.” She follows Nate out, still holding her glass. However, before she gets to the barn, a truck pulls up and Lila, Cooper, and Clint pile out. She gets hugs from the kids who hustle into the house with grocery bags.
“Hey,” Clint greets.
“Hi.” They haven’t really spoken since Tony’s funeral and she was still in shock. Most of her communication with the Bartons have been texts from Lila and phone calls with Laura.
She starts toward the barn, but Clint’s hand on her arm stops her. “I just want to say that I’m - ”
“No,” she interrupts. “It’s…it’s OK. I - I can’t say I wouldn’t have made the same decision as Nat. Your family needed you.” She didn’t believe that, not at first. She’d thought that Nat was selfish, to sacrifice herself, to not think of Maria. But time, and a lot of conversations with Pepper and Mom, have brought her around.
“But - ”
She shakes her head. “We’re OK, Clint. Really.” She smiles. “If you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some baby goats that I need to see.”
____
“You do not renovate houses, do you?”
“No,” she laughs, “sorry. Also? Not a man.”
“Well, it was a nice dream,” Yelena replies. “But I think the reality is much better.”
“Thanks.”
They are sitting in an outdoor cafe in Chicago, a dog at Yelena’s feet, as they have drinks. Yelena is on vacation, or so she says, and Maria is on mandatory leave. Fury has taken to space and ordered Maria to do something fun. She’s been helping her Mom clean out her childhood home to sell it.
“I’m going to visit her. In Ohio.”
That had been a joint decision. To place a headstone in the place that had felt most like home to Nat. People needed a place to mourn and Pepper and Morgan’s property was not it.
“I’ve been,” Maria replies. “It’s nice. People leave things. Flowers, notes, stuffed animals.”
“Stuffed animals?” Yelena half snorts, half laughs. “She didn’t even like those when we were children.”
“I won her one. Once. Rogers insisted we go to Coney Island. So we did. It took me more tries than I want to admit. Then she knocked them all down in one toss. Gave that stuffed animal to the kid next to us.”
“Ugh. That is so sweet. And sickening.” The dog lifts her head and barks softly once. “Even Fanny thinks so.”
____
When she focuses her eyes, Fury is looming over her.
“It was you,” she gasps.
“It wasn’t.”
But she’s not talking to him.
Behind him is a beautiful woman with red hair and a wide smile.
“Hi, Masha.”