Chapter Text
“Can I ask you a question?” Nat’s eyes scan the crowd even as she asks. She doesn’t see the target yet so figures this is as good a time as any. She also thinks it will be easier to have this conversation with Clint when she can’t see him.
“Sure,” his voice crackles over her earpiece.
Now that she knows she can ask, she has trouble verbalizing the words. There is a long silence and then…
“Nat? You still there? What’d ya wanna ask me?”
“Yeah, yes, I’m still here and, um, how, how did you know that you loved Laura?”
“How did I know I - wait, Nat, are you, are you seeing someone? Someone you might be in love with?” It’s hard to tell Clint’s tone over comms.
“Uh.” For someone who speaks multiple languages, she’s suddenly inarticulate.
“Who is it? Do I know him?” Before she can answer, he yelps, “Is it Steve?”
Her eyes narrow even as they continue scanning. There he is. Their target. Carrying the backpack they are fairly sure contains things he should not have, things that he is trying to sell to other people who should not have them. She threads her way through the crowd, following behind him. “Steve? Rogers ?” She laughs without intending to. “No. Ew. That would be like being in love with you.”
“So you are in love!” Clint sounds way too invested.
“I don’t know,” she murmurs, following it up with a louder, “Excuse me.” The target turns down an alley and she follows him. “Excuse me!”
He turns around and she flashes her prettiest smile. The one so pretty that it’s not genuine.
“Could you help me…” her voice trails off. “I seem to be lost.” She holds out her phone as if there’s a map or directions on it. He pauses for a split second and she adds on, “I’m only here for a few days.” Yes, that’s it. He’s intrigued now because he sees an opportunity. If only men would think with their big heads, they’d be better at most things. But the distraction of a pretty girl, and the possibility of getting her into bed, clouds their judgement.
So he nods and steps towards her. A moment later, she has the seller out cold. She rifles through the backpack, finds what she needs, pockets it and tosses the bag back on the ground. “I’ve got it. Meet you at the rendezvous,” she says to Clint as she slips off her brunette ponytail and dumps it in a trash can. Anyone who notices her will see a redhead exiting the alley.
“So who is this guy?” Clint persists.
She wants to tell him, she does. Because he is her best friend. But this is…well, it’s something that goes against all of her training. And while she (with a lot of work and help) has broken most of her psychological conditioning, some remnants remain. This is one of them.
Deciding that if she tells him now, she doesn’t have to see the judgment on his face, she says, “It’s not a guy.”
It’s not until they’re in the quinjet that Clint broaches the subject. “So you gonna tell me who this girlfriend of yours is?”
She doesn’t answer right away. Not because she doesn’t want to tell him (actually maybe a little because she doesn’t want to tell him), but mostly because she’s trying to gauge his reaction. He doesn’t sound disgusted, he doesn’t look upset at this revelation. But it’s not quite enough to pry this revelation from her. Not until…
“If you tell me how you knew you loved Laura, I’ll tell you.”
He kicks his feet up on the dashboard and leans back in the pilot seat, glancing over at her. “It’s not…it’s not any one thing, Nat. It’s not like I can point to one thing and say that’s how I knew.” Her face must betray her displeasure with this answer because he continues. “It was a lot of little things.”
She raises an eyebrow in the hopes he will elaborate.
“Like she’s the first person I want to tell about my day. And no matter how shitty my day has been, seeing her…I dunno…brightens it.” He flushes slightly and she knows he’s embarrassed. They don’t talk about things like this.
“Go on,” she says, giving him a reassuring smile.
His eyes flick to the ceiling as if he’ll find an answer there. “And sex, it’s…it was way better.” He pauses. “Actually it’s not even the sex - although that is phenomenal - it’s…there’s this moment, you know, after. It’s like my head stops spinning, stops thinking about everything else. It’s just me and Laura, being close.”
She wrinkles her nose. “Isn’t it…messy? After?”
He shrugs. “Yeah, but it doesn’t matter. We’re just there. And some part of us is touching, her head on my shoulder or my hand on her back or…” He breaks off and frowns. “If you tell anyone any of this…”
“Clint,” she rolls her eyes, “no one even knows you’re married. Not even Maria. So who would - ” She realizes her mistake a second too late.
“Maria? Maria who? I don’t know anyone named - Deputy Director Hill? Is that who we’re talking about, Nat! She - and you. Hardass Hill is your girlfriend?”
“Don’t call her that!”
He sits back, mouth hanging open slightly. “Deputy Director Hill…and you…are…”
Nat sighs. “Involved?”
“For how long?”
“Seven months.”
“Seven - Nat! Why the hell haven’t you said anything?”
She shrugs, looking out the front. “I dunno. I mean…we can’t exactly proclaim it. She’s…she’s our boss.” She refrains from using air quotes, knowing Maria hates that.
“That doesn’t explain why you didn’t tell us.” He sounds hurt.
“I wasn’t trying to keep it from you. I just…it’s not like I have any idea what I’m doing, you know. And I thought it wouldn’t…”
“Wouldn’t last?”
She mumbles, “Maybe.”
“But now you think you love her?”
“I don’t know. I mean, I care about her a lot. And those things that you said…I feel them. When Maria smiles at me, it’s like, it’s like my heart floats away.” Her hand glides up like it’s tracing the path of a balloon. “And I, I want to tell her things. About me. Things that people don’t know.” She levels a look at him. “Things that you and Laura do know.”
“Have you told her those?”
She nods. “Some. At night. In the dark. When it’s just us and she’s got her arms around me, I feel…safe? Like I can tell her.”
“And she hasn’t judged you?” Now he sounds concerned.
“Never. And the sex - ”
Clint puts his hands over his ears and shakes his head. “I do not want to hear about your sex life with Deputy Director Hill!”
She laughs and pulls his hands away. “I’m not going to tell you! But what you talked about, the after…” She smiles and looks at the floor. “Yeah.” There is also the matter that she actually enjoys sex with Maria, that she wants it, wants Maria to touch her, wants to touch Maria. It’s a new feeling, one that she tries not to allow guilt to touch. In the Red Room, sex, no matter who it was with, was for a purpose and pleasure was definitely not it.
“The other thing with Laura…it doesn’t matter what we’re doing. It could be something dumb like grocery shopping, it’s fun. You know?”
She nods because she does know. As long as they are together, she doesn’t much care what they’re doing. Some of the best afternoons have been the ones with Maria doing paperwork at one end of the couch while Nat channelsurfs.
“So,” Clint says, “did you get the answers you wanted?”
Gnawing on her bottom lip, she nods again. “I think so, yes.”
“I guess my next question is what are you going to do about it.”
Nat wants to tell Maria. She does. But… “What if she doesn’t feel the same way?” Because she couldn’t bear that, to be met with indifference or disgust or Maria letting her down easy.
“Oh, Nat. I wish I had an easy answer for you.”
She shakes her head. “It’s OK. You’ve done enough for me. Really.”