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Rin felt the letter slowly slip from his grip, and he didn’t make any move to reach for it before the page fluttered to the ground and landed between his balled up jammers and a stack of magazines his mother had sent from home but that he hadn’t had the heart to read. The letters kept coming even though he’d stopped responding months ago. Makoto’s carefully drawn picture of a shark still watched him with beady black crayoned eyes. With a sigh he flopped onto his stomach and pressed his face into his pillow, one that smelled like Australia and sharp misery and not a bit like home, just barely stifling the urge to scream into it.
The memory came back sharp and clear the moment Rin sank onto the familiar bed in the familiar room, Makoto’s unanswered text message fading to black on the phone screen. He willed back the tears that prickled at the backs of his eyes. He wouldn’t cry, not now. Not here. In ten years, the room hadn’t changed much. The same colorful bedspread was still silky beneath his palms, and when he fell back onto the bed with a heavy sigh the same slight scent he’d come to associate with Australia wafted through the open window across the room. How many hours had he spent in this same room because he was running away? And here he was, running away yet again. Almost ten years had passed but entirely too much had remained exactly the same, he mused bitterly.
“Rin? Sweetheart?” Lori appeared in the doorway then, and Rin craned his neck to meet her gaze, propping himself on his elbows in an attempt to look as though he hadn’t just been on the verge of breaking down. “I’m sure you’re tired from your flight, but dinner is ready if you want to join us.” He nodded, dragging himself to a sitting position.
“Sure. I’ll be there in a minute.” He pasted on a smile, hoping it didn’t look as foreign to Lori as it felt on his own face. “Thanks.” She hovered in the doorway for a few moments, looking almost as though there was more she wanted to say, but she finally turned back down the hallway. Rin let his face fall into his hands then, curling his fingers into his hair and tugging hard. “Pull yourself together. God.” He hissed to himself.
Finally drawing up to his feet, he glanced into the mirror above the dresser as he made his way out of the room. He bared his teeth at his reflection, haggard from the eight hour flight and the emotions that had been coursing through him. It was no wonder there had been so much worry in Lori’s tone when she’d greeted him at the airport.
“Welcome back to Australia, Rin!” Russel greeted with a warm smile as Rin took his seat at the familiar dinner table. “I hope your flight wasn’t too tiring.”
“The flight was fine.” Rin assured, slowly beginning to slip back into the rhythm of English on his tongue. “I’m glad to finally be here, though. Thank you both for having me again.”
“Of course we love having you visit, Rin.” Russel’s words were slow, measured. “Don’t get me wrong here. We just…” He paused, glancing over at Lori who gave a slight nod of encouragement before he continued. “You’re not just here for old times’ sake, are you?”
Rin huffed a sharp breath through his nose, spending a little too much time aligning his fork perfectly next to his plate before he finally looked up to meet their solemn gazes. “I’ve got a lot on my mind.” He admitted, looking back down at the untouched food on his plate when their intent gazes became too much for him. “I just… needed some time away.” That was what he had told Makoto, too, the night he’d walked away without once looking back because he knew that one look at whatever expression Makoto’s face had twisted into would make him too weak to do what needed to be done.
“I see.” Lori said quietly, and he chanced a glance up just long enough to see the soft look in her eyes. “You know we’re here if you ever need to talk, Rin. About anything at all.”
“I know.” He said shakily. “I know.” He repeated, picking up his fork and resolutely spearing a carrot, signaling that the conversation was over. He didn’t miss the glance between Lori and Russel or the way Russel shook his head ever so slightly.
“So!” Lori forcibly changed the subject a beat later, a cheery smile painted across her face. “How does it feel to be back in Australia again? Are you going to visit all the old haunts?”
A small, grateful smile ghosted across his face. “It’s nice to be back.” He acknowledged, shifting in his seat and ignoring the persistent ache that had settled into his chest.
As he lay in bed later that night, staring into the darkness and alone with his thoughts, he couldn’t help replaying the conversation from over a week ago in his head.
“Something’s wrong.” Rin had jerked away from Makoto’s gentle touch on his arm. “You can tell me, Rin.”
Could he, though, when Makoto’s warm smile and stupid optimistic hope of just a few days earlier were still burned into his mind? “I didn’t make it, okay?” He finally spat when Makoto’s silent presence had made it clear that he wasn’t going to let up until Rin caved. “I got my results for the Olympic trials, and I failed.”
“Rin.” Makoto’s murmur of his name mixed with the roaring in his ears, and he’d shaken off Makoto’s hand from his shoulder.
A sharp exhale heaved through his nose before he could stop it. “I’m just a fuck-up, Makoto. A good-for-nothing, pathetic excuse for-”
Makoto had gripped his hands in his own, then. “Rin, you’re not. Okay? Listen to me. So what if it didn’t work out this time? This isn’t the end! You can keep working at it, and next time-”
Rin had extricated his hands from Makoto’s grip, eyes flashing when he finally met his gaze. “I don’t need your stupid optimism, Makoto! I don’t! You’re so god damn hopeful all the time, and I swear, it makes me sick sometimes. The world isn’t always happy, Makoto, it isn’t always fair, and sometimes I wonder if you’ve even grown up enough to realize that.”
“Rin-” Makoto had whispered, drawing back for the first time. “I don’t-”
“But you do” Rin had huffed, whirling away before Makoto could say anything more. “Sometimes I just don’t think you understand at all.” Makoto’s mouth had opened and closed wordlessly at that, and if it weren’t for the hot anger coursing through his veins Rin would have felt immediate remorse. “I just need some air.”
Some air had turned into a night at one of his teammates’ apartments. Kaito hadn’t questioned his red-rimmed eyes but silently ushered Rin inside, pulling blankets onto the couch and politely ignoring the pathetic sniffling sounds Rin was sure he’d made all night. The next morning he’d slipped back to the apartment he shared with Makoto while Makoto was in class, just long enough to find the letter he’d shoved into a dresser drawer. He’d re-read the invitation from Russel and Lori to come visit (and ignored the and please bring your lovely friend Makoto, this time), and the plan had fallen together quickly in his mind.
Had he meant to say all of those things to Makoto? Probably not, but at this point taking them back didn’t even seem like an option. Not when he’d acted so sure of himself. This time, he didn’t try to hold back when the hot tears pressed at the backs of his eyes and eventually coursed down his cheeks. He was thoroughly convinced that he deserved every bit of the anguish he was feeling. He curled into a tight ball, swiping intermittently at the slippery trails on his cheeks and ignoring the way his back felt so exposed without a warm chest to press against.
He must have fallen asleep at some point, because he was woken by soft tendrils of sunlight that washed across his face. He felt the familiar, particular brand of awful that one feels when waking up from having cried themselves to sleep. He poked at his swollen eyelids in the bathroom mirror, splashing cold water on his face and scrubbing as hard as he could at the tear stains that still lingered.
“Where are you off to today?” Lori asked when he finally passed through the kitchen, kind enough not to mention his red-rimmed eyes if she had noticed them.
“The pool.” He replied simply, lifting his bag in further explanation.
“Have fun!” She’d called after him as he raised a hand in farewell on his way out the door. He grimaced to himself at that. Fun was the farthest thing from his mind.
From the moment he’d slipped into the water, he swam hard and fast. His form was sloppy, he knew, but this wasn’t about improving, for once. This was about forgetting. The conversation of a few days before came back in snatches.
It had been two days after Rin’s explosion and subsequent rush from the apartment, and maybe he’d had too much time to think. “I’m sorry.” Of course Makoto would be the one to apologize even though Rin had been the one shouting at him. That was what was so infuriating about him. “Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything.”
Rin felt his gaze harden. “I don’t know if this is working out anymore.” It had slipped out before Rin could stop himself. It was true that it had been on his mind constantly since the fight, but he hadn’t meant to be so blunt about it. “I’m not the guy you think I am, Makoto. You see the world through your rose colored glasses, but the truth is that I’m so much darker than that. I’m a time bomb, and it’s only a matter of time before I blow up and take you with me.”
He rounded the turn again, welcoming the burning that had just begun in his lungs. He knew his limits, and he was far from having reached them.
“I know you, Rin.” A fresh desperation had taken over Makoto’s face. “Maybe I do try to see the world in a positive light, but I’ve known you for years. You really think that I don’t know who you really are? That I don’t understand everything that goes on inside and I love you in spite of it? Because of it?” He’d quickly amended, trying unsuccessfully to grip Rin’s hands in his own. “I knew from the start what I was getting in for.”
Turn. He could feel his muscles beginning to ache, but he pushed that sensation aside. He needed this.
Rin had scoffed in disbelief. “What you were getting in for?” He mimicked. “So, what, I’m just a charity case for you? Is that it?”
“No!” Makoto’s voice had chirped higher. “Rin, you know what I meant! You’re one of the best things that could have ever happened to me.”
“Save it.” Rin had growled, whirling out of the apartment without waiting for Makoto’s response.
He finally stopped, clinging to the side of the pool as he gasped lungsful of air. Whatever he was trying to do, it wasn’t working. If anything, he felt worse than he had before.
After he’d changed he left the pool and walked aimlessly through the streets. He welcomed the crush of people that granted him anonymity, keeping his head down as he pushed his way along. After stopping for lunch at what had been his favorite fast food restaurant ten years ago (he barely even tasted the food today) he found himself on the path to the beach. Shedding his shoes and socks, he buried his feet into the sand, letting it rise between his toes and finally washing it off in the foamy waves that kissed the shore. Before he could stop himself, he thought back to what had been his plans to share this sight with Makoto and kicked the water into a glittering arc, ignoring the way it splattered the cuffs of his shorts and his t-shirt.
When he finally returned to Russel and Lori’s house, he was just tired. Tired because he’d flown in from Japan the day before with very little sleep, and tired because the constant battle in his mind had worn him out completely. With only a mumble of greeting to Lori as he slipped inside, he collapsed to the bed and finally gave in to the acute exhaustion that was beginning to cloud his mind. When he woke hours later, bleary and disoriented, he followed the faint glow shining through the doorway to the living room. Russel and Lori both looked up from their reading when he stepped into the room, straightening to give him their full attention when he took a seat on the arm chair across from them.
“Did you have a nice rest?” Lori asked hopefully, leaning towards him expectantly.
“Yeah. Thanks.” He nodded, flashing a brief smile.
“I’d been meaning to ask you how things are going in Japan, Rin.” Russel cut in. “How’s the swimming coming along?”
Rin felt his breath catch in his throat, but they looked so open and expectant that it didn’t take long for him to crack and spill everything about the Olympic trials, how hard he’d trained and the crushing disappointment when he’d received the news.
“Oh, no.” Lori’s fingers had flown to her lips. “I’m so sorry, Rin. You always did work so hard. This can’t be easy for you.”
“That’s a real letdown, huh?” Russel chimed in. Rin nodded along. Somehow their sympathy didn’t feel nearly as cloying. They went on to talk about his family and the rest of his life back in Japan, purposefully side-stepping the topic of Makoto. He’d forgotten how much he’d enjoyed his chats with Russel and Lori. Despite how heavy he still felt, a small part of him did feel the slightest bit lighter.
Lying in bed that night, his mind had finally begun to clear, but the ire he felt was quickly replaced by an aching need that he’d put off acknowledging for too long. He’d said terrible things to Makoto, and in his rage and frustration he supposed he’d meant them, but the truth was that without Makoto the only thing he felt was lost. Rin knew he had a tendency to explode, but this time he felt a grim certainty that there would be no way to pick up these pieces.
*
The next morning went about the same as the previous one had. The first thing he did after waking and showering was packing his bag and heading down to the pool, prepared to push his limits once more. He just had to get Makoto out of his head. He was determined to swim until his lungs were burning and every muscle in his body cried for relief, until the pain he felt finally began to blot out the hollow ache in his chest.
He’d planned to pause for only a few moments when a voice cut through his concentration. “Woah. That was some pretty intense swimming there, mate.” He looked up into a dark blue gaze that crinkled when his eyes met it. “You a professional?”
Rin cringed at the term. “I guess you could say that.” He allowed, feeling his breathing begin to even out. The man couldn’t be much older than his twenty-two years, and he stood before him in a pair of navy blue jammers.
“Even so,” the man went on, “Seems like you could still stand to take a break. We could time each other if you want.” Rin was about to refuse, but something in the steady gaze made him slowly nod instead.
“Sure. Why not?” He shrugged noncommittally, pulling himself up out of the water.
“You’re not from around here, huh?” The man noted, holding out his hand to shake. “I’m Michael King.”
Rin accepted the offered hand. “Rin Matsuoka.” He returned the firm grip. “I’m from Japan, actually.”
Michael emitted a low whistle. “Wow. That’s a fair ways away. You here on vacation, or what?”
Rin cringed at that. “Something like that.” He finally said, hoping his voice didn’t sound as strained as it felt. “What stroke do you swim?” He changed the subject before Michael could comment further.
Michael’s face broke into a grin at that. “Backstroke. I take it you swim butterfly?”
He swam backstroke. Of course. “And freestyle.” Rin supplied, tone more clipped than he’d intended. “I’ll time you first.” He offered quickly.
“Sure. Can’t promise anything too impressive, but I enjoy it.” He slipped into the water. “Appreciate it.” He added almost as an afterthought, pulling himself up into the starting position. For a fraction of a second, the eyes took on a greenish tint and his smile looked a little warmer. Rin blinked, and the fleeting image of Makoto disappeared. Damn it. He started the timer with a vengeance, trying to focus on the swimmer in the pool before him, but the flicker of Makoto had drawn him back again.
“I’m going to Australia for a little.” He’d announced, ignoring the way Makoto’s mouth had fallen open. Makoto had just happened to walk in as he was throwing clothing haphazardly into a suitcase, and Rin felt he at least owed him that much of an explanation.
Makoto had nodded slowly, arranging his expression into one of vacant calm. “Okay.” Was all he’d said, eyes boring into Rin’s until he couldn’t take it anymore.
“Okay?” He’d echoed, exasperation cutting through his tone.
Makoto nodded again. “I know better than to argue with you when you’ve made up your mind about something.” For a brief moment, a sad fondness had passed through his gaze, but it was gone before Rin could truly latch onto it.
“I don’t know anymore.” Rin had said heavily, not daring to meet Makoto’s gaze. “About anything. I just need some time to think.”
Makoto had clasped his hands together in his lap. Rin couldn’t remember having ever seen him look so small. He’d had to look away. “We – this doesn’t have to be the end.” Rin knew Makoto’s gaze was searching for his, but he purposefully didn’t meet it. He didn’t need to lose an ounce of his resolve.
“Yeah.” Was all he’d said before turning away, forcing himself to keep on walking. Those had been his last words with Makoto before he’d left.
“How did I do?” He was drawn back to reality by a hopeful smile and glanced at the stop watch.
“Not bad.” He managed a smile as he revealed the time to Michael.
“Awesome.” The grin widened on his face. “Want me to time you now?” Rin pushed his roiling thoughts as far to the back of his mind as they would go, nodding resolutely. He eventually lost track of how many times they slipped in and out of the water, timing each other and even exchanging tips and recommendations.
“You are good.” Michael finally said when they stood side by side at the pool’s edge. Rin only shrugged and mustered a weak smile, toweling his hair dry as a comfortable silence fell between the two.
Suddenly, Michael spoke up again. “Something you were trying to escape earlier, swimming that hard?” Rin avoided the sideways glance sent his way. “Sorry.” Michael went on quickly, before Rin could even formulate a response. “Personal question. I’m too curious for my own good sometimes, I guess.”
Rin heaved a heavy sigh. “I’m just a jerk, that’s all.” Michael nodded sympathetically, silence inviting Rin to continue – or not. “I said a lot of things that I didn’t mean to my – friend. I guess I’m just here running away like I always do.” He wasn’t sure what exactly had prompted him to let loose on this near stranger, but once he started it was nearly impossible to stop.
“I see.” Michael said quietly. “I guess realizing that is a good first step.” He went on thoughtfully. Rin’s hands stilled and he let the towel drop to his side. “It’s never too late to apologize, you know.”
Rin laughed weakly, mirthlessly. “I don’t know about that.” This earned him another sideways glance.
“Your friend…” Michael began carefully. “Isn’t he going to be too receptive?”
Rin frowned. “He’s the most forgiving guy in the world.” He said softly. “But it’s still possible to push his limits. I think I just fucked up one too many times.”
“You’re allowed to make mistakes, you know.” Michael shrugged. “‘You’re your own worst critic’ and all that. Maybe you’re being too hard on yourself.” He stopped to look Rin square in the eye. “But.” He said abruptly, backing a step away and looping his towel over his arm. “What do I know, right? I’m just a random stranger who made you spill your guts and now here I am telling you how to live your life. I hope everything works out with your friend, Rin.”
Rin felt his face soften. “Me too.” He said weakly, giving Michael a slight nod as the man turned to leave. “And thanks for helping me out today.” He added to the retreating back.
“Anytime.” Michael called, raising his hand in a final farewell. Rin remained by the pool long after Michael had gone, staring out over the water and chewing absently on his lower lip. I have a degree in wrecking everything. He thought sullenly. It was only matter of time before I wrecked this, too. He wasn’t Makoto. There was no foolish optimism to make him believe that everything would actually be okay.
*
Back at the house later that afternoon he sat staring at the cell phone gripped in his hand. All it would take was one tap, one phone call, and he’d find out whether this had been the straw to finally make Makoto give up on him. He knew what he had to say, but he also knew that the words would crumble to dust on his lips. Almost as if on cue, the phone jangled in his hand and he nearly threw it to the bed in panic before he saw that it was Haru’s name that lit up the screen. His finger hovered over ‘dismiss’, but at the last second a rush of short-lived courage washed over him and he steeled himself.
“Hey, Haru.” He answered having a pretty good idea of what was coming.
“What did you say to Makoto?” Haru asked without bothering to return his greeting. “He’s been feeling awful ever since you left.”
Rin sighed at the bite in Haru’s tone. He supposed he deserved this, too. “It’s not important.” He said testily. “If it makes you feel any better, I already feel pretty shitty about it.”
“A little.” Haru agreed blithely. Rin bit his lip before he could say anything he’d regret. “What’s going on, Rin?” Haru finally asked, unusually persistent. “I thought you were done running away from your problems.” Haru’s words stung, but there was enough truth to them that Rin only sighed heavily.
“So did I.” He admitted. “But, God.” He stopped short, rubbing his hand down his face before he continued. “I’m an idiot.” Haru didn’t respond, but Rin heard the unspoken I know anyway. “Honestly? At this point, he probably doesn’t even want anything to do with me. You can just tell him that he can stop feeling guilty because I’m not worth his time.”
“It’s not that simple.” For a few moments, all he heard was the soft crackle of Haru’s measured breaths through the phone line. “You know Makoto.” Rin did, all too well. “And you know what you have to do.”
“I know.” He didn’t expect a response from Haru, but he held the phone in expectation for a few moments anyway. “Bye, Haru.” He finally sighed. Even long after Haru had said his own farewell and the line had fallen to a faint hum, Rin clutched the phone to his ear. He knew what he had to do, but that didn’t mean he had the strength to do it tonight.
Finally he stood, feeling heat rush into his already-sore muscles as they stretched from their cramped position. He heard Russel and Lori’s muffled conversation wafting down the hallway, and when Lori finally called out that dinner was ready, he forced himself to the kitchen and steeled himself for what was coming next.
He poked at his food in silence for a while, moving it around on his plate without any of it making its way to his mouth. “Hey.” He said abruptly, looking up at Russel and Lori as they glanced at each other and set their silverware down next to their plates. “Do you remember… when I lived here with you in middle school? How I started to lock myself in my room and I stopped responding to my friends’ letters?”
“Rin?” Lori said carefully, concern written across her face.
“I know running away from your problems is wrong.” He admitted slowly. “But I’m here because I’m doing it again.” Rin took a deep breath and Russel folded his hands in front of him and nodded, silently encouraging Rin to continue. “I screwed up.” Rin finally said, lifting his shoulders in a helpless shrug. “I said – a lot of terrible things. To Makoto. And I really think that this time even he won’t forgive me. Not when I can’t even forgive myself.” He let his gaze drop to his plate, shoving the peas onto a neat pile.
“I see.” He heard Lori murmur.
“Rin.” Russel spoke, low and calm. “You’ve grown immeasurably from that boy who lived here with us ten years ago. You’re smart. Mature. Rational. You make mistakes, but who doesn’t? The most important thing is that you acknowledge them and learn from them. If you matter as much to Makoto as he clearly matters to you, then I think you’re greatly underestimating him and yourself.” Rin felt his cheeks flush as he let Russel’s words sink in. “I think you know that you can’t hide here forever.” Rin nodded miserably. “I know that you know what you have to do.” Haru’s words echoed back to him at that, and he sucked in a deep breath.
“I know.” He finally brought his fork to his mouth, chewing and swallowing without tasting. His mind was already on the next morning and the phone call he had to make. That night he lay long after he should have been asleep wondering what he could possibly say to even begin to erase the hurt he had caused.
*
The relief Rin felt as the sun finally began to peek through the blinds and his near-sleepless night came to an end was nothing compared to the deep apprehension that wound its way between his very bones. He knew he had to make the call now if he wanted to catch Makoto before he left for class, but his fingers felt like lead as he dialed.
“Rin.” Makoto’s tone when he answered was awash with relief. “Thank goodness. Listen, Rin, I’m so sorry-”
“Don’t apologize.” Rin said through his teeth. “You already apologized once and I’m the one who should be saying it. So I’m sorry, Makoto, and I’m sorry that I can’t be the person you need me to be. That I can’t be good enough.”
“I never said-”
“I know. I did. I’m quick tempered and loud and cowardly and you are entirely too good for someone like me, and I guess it scares the hell out of me.” Rin felt his chest heave with everything that he’d finally found the courage to say, and he held the tears back by sheer willpower.
“Don’t ever say that.” Makoto’s tone was almost frightening. “Don’t ever say that I’m too good for you. I’ve never believed it for a second, so don’t even start to believe it yourself. I meant it when I said I love you, Rin, and I meant it when I said that you’re one of the best things that’s ever happened to me.”
“Then why didn’t you tell me to stay?” Rin spat out before he could stop himself, cringing at the immediate silence on the other end. He was angry at himself, it was true, but this was the first time that he realized he was still angry at Makoto, too. “Why did you let me leave?”
“Because.” Makoto’s voice was so low and breathy that Rin had to strain to catch his words. “Sometimes loving someone means knowing when to let them go.” Rin’s heart dropped right into his stomach at that, but he struggled to keep the emotion from his voice.
“Just think about what you really want.” He finally said hoarsely. “I mean it, Makoto. I’m coming home in two days. Bye, Makoto.”
With the soft “Goodbye, Rin.” He lowered the phone from his ear and buried his face in his arms, finally letting every single taut emotion he’d been holding back overwhelm him.
*
He’d had nearly two days to prepare himself for whatever Makoto would say, but he wasn’t sure even two centuries would be long enough. As the plane broke through the clouds and descended on Tokyo, Rin’s heart sank right along with it. He gathered his things and stepped from the plane mechanically, tugging his hat further down onto his head as he let himself be carried along in the crush of people.
He scanned the crowd but stopped, rooted to the spot, when a voice rose out above the rest. “Rin!” He turned toward the sound and suddenly Makoto’s arms were around him and he was staggering backwards, hat knocked from his head and falling unnoticed to the ground as he let himself sink into the familiar warmth. “I missed you.” Makoto murmured against his hair, and he buried his face in the crook of Makoto’s neck, drawing in the familiar scent almost in disbelief. There were days when Rin felt like he had a degree in wrecking everything, but with Makoto’s embrace warm around him it felt almost like he wouldn’t let Rin fuck this up. Things weren’t perfect, but Makoto was here and in the moment that was what mattered.
When he finally pulled away, Makoto was smiling at him at full brightness. “Oi, what’s that shitty grin for?” Rin asked, fully knowing that his own smile was wide enough to match.
“It’s because I love you, and I’m happy you’re back.” Makoto said softly, and with that Rin leaned forward to kiss that shitty grin right off his face.