Work Text:
WARNING: I included some big spoilers from the manga in here. While these events aren't final, Im inferring what happens after those said events. So anime only people take warning.
He was so goddamn dumb.
Stupid.
“What the fuck are you doing?” Katsuki whispered to himself as he clutched the charm in his hand. It wasn’t like he’d specifically gone to the temple to pick up a charm for her. He went regularly.
Katsuki wasn’t religious or spiritual.
Neither was anyone in his family.
But after everything that happened to him, he couldn’t ignore that perhaps something was bigger at work. Every doctor, specialist, nurse, and surgeon he saw had called his recovery nothing short of miraculous.
He’d lost pretty much all of the sight in his right eye. The patch of skin just below that eye didn’t have any feeling. The doctors said he’d be using hearing aides within the next five years even though he’d gotten gear to help muffle the sound of his explosions.
It didn’t matter.
Hearing loss was just an occupational hazard of every hero; his quirk just magnified the risk.
Katsuki had gone through more skin grafts than he cared to remember. He’d shaved down the sides of his head because hair no longer grew on the right side because of the scar tissue.
That was only a fraction of war's lasting damage to him, yet his heart was fine.
He was alive.
Able to work and live pretty normally.
No one could figure out the how and why.
Or the when and if his heart would fail.
And somehow, Katsuki had to live with that fear and the burden of what others had done for him.
So, he prayed because-
“What the fuck else am I supposed to do?”
He was supposed to be dead.
He was dead.
And now he’s not.
This is what people did after a miracle.
Katsuki looked across the open office at Ochako.
She was sitting at her desk with what looked to be her third can of ginger soda open on her desk and a cracker hanging out of her mouth as she typed. She was dressed in a casual dress today, and her flats kicked off under her desk.
“Fuck it,” he cursed, stomping toward her desk.
It wasn’t like this was some random person.
They’d known each other for years.
And everyone was always on his case about being nice. His agent told him he could stand to show more empathy and humanity in public.
“Here!” he barked too loudly, catching the attention of everyone around them as he threw the charm on top of the paperwork she was looking at.
Everything seemed to come to a screeching halt.
Katsuki could feel everyone staring at them as he forced himself to pretend that he didn’t notice that and the fact that Ochako was glaring at the charm as if it were a bomb. He forced himself to endure approximately two painful seconds before nervously shoving his hands in his pockets and cocked his chin toward the ceiling with a scowl.
“You got me a charm?” she questioned slowly.
He could hear the wheels of her chair squeak as she moved forward. “It sure as hell ain’t for me,” he muttered as a nervous flush crept up the back of his neck.
“That was,” she paused.
Katsuki could hear her trying to figure out how she wanted to describe the gift.
“ Nice.”
Why did it sound like it was almost painful for her to admit? “Nice?” he snapped, looking down at her.
The cord of the charm was looped around her fingers as she examined the gift. “To be honest, I’m a little surprised you got this for me.”
“Don’t flatter yourself, I was already out,” Katsuki told her defensively as he crossed her arms over his chest.
She smiled. “Right.”
That was one of the things about her that made the back of his neck hot and his stomach twist in strange knots.
“Of course.” Ochako always saw right through his bullshit.
And she had this infuriating way of making it known without saying a word.
“You just so happened to be at the temple,” she grinned, bringing the charm closer to examine it. “Thank you.”
“Tch.” Katsuki’s jaw clenched together as he snapped his head away from her. The flush on his neck spread over his face as his heart pounded. “Figured it couldn’t fucking hurt.”
“I supposed not,” she agreed, “I didn’t peg you for being superstitious-”
“The fuck?”
“It’s for good luck against evil,” she reminded him, eyes darting to him and then to the charm.
“Don’t make me superstitious.”
“You could have chosen one for health or expectant mothers-”
“If you don’t like the damn thing, give it back,” he growled, trying to take it back from her.
“No, no,” Ochako whined as she shoved her chair away from him. “No takesie backsies.”
Katsuki glared at her.
“Besides-” She started, tangling the charm in the air. “-I have the Great Explosion Murder God’s blessing.” Ochako’s eyes drifted to the charm as her eyes clouded over for a moment.
“Weirdo,” he snorted. “And it’s not for just for you; it’s for the brat too.”
Her eyes widened.
Katsuki felt his heart skip a beat. For the first time in a long time, he was actually worried that his heart just might actually give out. He didn’t understand why he cared about her acceptance of the gift.
Hell, Katsuki was still struggling to figure out exactly had possessed him to purchase the charm and personally deliver it to her.
He could have just left it on her desk.
In her locker.
Send it to her fan mail address.
Hand it to fucking Izuku and pray that the nerd just gets the hint.
“Well, um,” she flushed nervously, face scrunching into sadness, “thanks.” Ochako looked up at him and forced herself to smile.
It sucked how much he cared. “If you don’t fucking like it-”
“I do! I do!” she quickly assured, pulling the charm closer to her body. “I-” Her mouth hung open as she held her breath.
Katsuki waisted anxiously for her to say something, anything, that would take away the empty feeling in his chest.
Ochako stucked in a hard puff of breath as she sat up straighter in her chair. “It was really nice of you,” she nodded, giving her best plastic publicity smile.
He’d told her once, years ago, that she “smiled like a fucking weirdo”.
Big and bright.
All teeth.
The apples of her cheeks would nearly eclipse the glow of joy in her eyes.
Public relations had worked with her for weeks to tame her grin into something more model-like. Something that looked authentic and would create a great image every time she was photographed.
Katsuki hated it.
How flat her cheeks looked.
How the dimple in her left cheek wasn’t visible.
And how he couldn’t find the light in her eyes.
“You’re fucking welcome,” Katsuki cursed, dragging himself away from her desk as he left the office. He needed to get out of there. His fingers tugged at the collar of his shirt as his chest pain worsened.
Why did he feel like he was dying?
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
“What happened?”
Katsuki sighed. “Fucking nothing,” he muttered, buttoning up his shirt as he shook his head. “They shouldn’t have fucking called you.” He snapped his head up to his mentor trying to look annoyed despite adding embarrassment to the lump of sensations he was overwhelmed with. “I’m not fucking dying.” Maybe he wasn’t fucking dying. Katsuki wasn’t sure how he was fine when he felt like this.
Tsunagu relaxed a little as he stared at the young man. “They said you were complaining of chest pain.”
“Tch. Tests said I’m fine.”
The pro looked at him, hands gestured open in front of him as he stared with wide eyes.
“I’m not fucking dying,” Katsuki snapped. His hands tightly gripped the edge of the exam bed as he looked away from the pro.
“What-” Tsunagu took a second to breath again. “What’s going on?”
“I already said-”
“I know, you were complaining of chest pains, but what were you doing-”
“Fucking doctors said I’m fine.”
“No.” He’d known Katsuki for years now. “I don’t think you are.” Tsunagu had to personally drag him to some of the follow-up appointments with cardiac specialists. The testing was extensive, and for almost a year, Katsuki had around two or three doctor appointments per week just to make sure everything was in working order.
Katsuki had cooperated for four months before he stopped attending his appointments without needing someone to occompany him.
“You never go to the doctor willingly.”
Katsuki snorted, “Cause there hasn’t been anything wrong.”
Even though it would be a good time to remind him that he’d refused medical assistance after several instances in the field, Tsunagu decided that wouldn’t help either of them right now. “Did something happen?” he asked carefully.
Katsuki huffed loudly as he threw his hands out in front of him. “One of my coworkers is pregnant, and I got her a stupid gift. There.”
The older pro narrowed his eyes. “And that gave you-” The doctor said there wasn’t anything wrong with his heart. “-indigestion?”
“Oh fuck you!”
“I’m just asking a question, Katsuki.”
He dragged a hand down his face, shaking his head. “I don’t know okay!” Katsuki shouted. “I started sweating, and it felt like I couldn’t breathe and-” His hands frantically moved in front of him, trying to convey
“You were feeling emotions?” Tsunagu questioned with a curious hum.
Katsuki just stared at him. “Huh?”
“Which coworker?”
“Round face?” What did that matter? “Why?”
Tsunagu smirked, giving a nod of understanding before his lips tightened. “Right.” His chest jerked with restrained laughter. “Of course.”
“The fuck does that mean.”
“Go talk to her.”
Katsuki frowned as his brows furrowed with confusion before his face twisted in outrage. “I don’t fucking like her.”
“Su-” A snort of disbelief cut off the word.
“Why the fuck are you here? I’m not fucking dying!” Katsuki cursed as he pushed himself off of the exam table.
“My child-”
This throat drew tight as the pressure in his chest returned. Reflexively, Katsuki placed a hand on his chest as he forced himself to breathe through the pain.
“You know it's okay to care about people?” Tsunagu placed a hand on his shoulder. “You can have relationships.”
“I-”
“I mean friends,” he quickly corrected, tightening his hold of Katsuki’s shoulder to quiet him. “The word relationship doesn’t just apply to romance.” Tsunagu gave him a fond smile before shrugging a little. “Not that romantic relationships are bad. I think you should be open to those possibilities as well.”
Katsuki rolled his eyes as the emptiness in his chest deepened and throbbed. “Shouldn’t you take your own damn advice instead of hovering over me like I’m falling part?” he grunted, jerking away from him.
Tsunagu sucked a puff of air in through his teeth, eyes dropping closed.
Shit. “I shouldn’t have-”
“No. You’re right.”
“Fuck.” Katsuki wished he was having a medical emergency to avoid this conversation. “Sorry. Fuck, fuck- I shouldn’t have-” Or die so they didn’t have to talk about it.
At all.
Ever.
“We can talk about it.” Tsunagu stepped away from him, sitting on the chair across the room. “You never let me talk about it.”
“Because-” How could he? “Why the hell would you want to talk about what I-”
Took from you.
Katsuki sighed loudly, dragging his fingers through his hair as he turned away from his mentor.
“Shin was,” Tsunagu started softly. “You know, I told him about you. That first time you came to intern with me.”
Katsuki stood frozen, squeezing his eyes shut as he listened. He didn’t want to hear this, but he couldn’t walk away from him.
“We talked about you,” Tsunagu smiled as he tilted his head toward the ceiling. “How we knew you’d be a great hero-”
Why did hearing this hurt so goddamn much?
“How much you reminded us of in our youth,” he chuckled. “It sounds crazy, but that’s why I wanted you to intern with me. Why I was hoping you would intern with Shin if you decided to…”
Katsuki stopped wondering what if years ago. Those thoughts were worst than the nightmares of what had happened. The past was already written and done, but what could have been was filled with endless possibilities.
“I already had the pleasure of knowing the love of my life-”
“I’m fucking sorry,” Katsuki pleaded.
Tsunagu glared at him, surprised, shaking his head. “You don’t get it?”
“I know, I ruined your fucking life,” Katsuki spat. “I’m the fucking reason you’re gonna die alone and miserable.” The truth that haunted him.
“No.”
Huh?
“The love of my life saved the young man that started as my intern and became like a son to me.”
Katsuki felt his eyes burn as his hand went to his chest.
“I’m okay with the fact that I might never get married or have children,” Tsunagu shrugged casually. “The person I wanted to have all those things with isn’t with me anymore, but you are.”
Somehow he was.
“You have the chance to do things. Have things that might be too late for me,” Tsunagu reminded him. “Have things Shin can’t.” His eyes went to Katsuki’s chest. “Feelings are hard and sometimes they make you feel like you’re dying-”
Grief.
Guilt.
Sorrow.
Rage.
“But you get to feel them,” Tsunagu nodded. “You get to feel them and figure those feelings out.”
Because he was still here.
“Perhaps,” he pushed himself up from his chair, “perhaps that feeling in her chest when you gave her the gift wasn’t bad a thing.” Tsunagu quietly walked to the door, showing himself out. “I’ll check on tomorrow, Katsuki.”
The door snapped shut, leaving Katsuki alone with his thoughts.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
He didn’t have to go back to the office.
Katsuki had sent a message to Rumi and whoever was shift supervisor explaining the situation. He told them he was fine, but something didn’t feel right, and he needed to see his doctor.
They understood.
He wouldn’t be penalized for leaving to care for his health, but Katsuki didn’t like the thought of paperwork piling up. It had taken a year for him to figure out how not to be overwhelmed with writing and filing reports. Not doing paperwork today would potentially set him back for the week, and Katsuki wasn’t risking that.
“Fuck,” he cursed. Katsuki shook his head, looking at the clock on his phone as he approached the agency building. “Fucking day is over.” His shift had officially ended ten minutes ago. He didn’t have any plans tonight.
There had been that model from one of his parents’ fashion shows who had slipped him her phone number. They’d fallen in bed together a few times, and she’d been texting him, but there was too much on his mind for his dick to be hard.
Huffing, Katsuki tucked his phone into his pocket as he put more purpose in his steps.
The doors to the agency flung open as Ochako stepped out. Her hair fluttered behind her as he walked, laughing warmly as Yo wrapped an arm around her waist.
She leaned against him.
Katsuki stared, watching them walk and catching a glimpse of the charm he’d given her looped on the handle of her bag.
To be Continued…