Chapter Text
Chapter One
“Phoenix Wright? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mister Wright.” shouts the orange-skinned bespectacled intern peeking his head into the guest’s dressing room. “Just a minute Scooter; I’m just looking over the case file for my next trial” replies the guest, a familiar spiky haired lawyer. “You know Mr. Wright, I don’t know why they say lawyers are blood suckers.” Phoenix chuckles, “Blood suckers? Of course defense attorneys aren’t blood suckers. This is a blood sucker.” Out from under the desk pops a fanged whatnot Muppet.
We jump to the main stage where the show’s title card is resting before the “O” opens up to reveal a green frog with ping-pong ball eyes who exclaims, “It’s The Muppet Show with our very special guest star Mr. Phoenix Wright!” The sign rises, revealing the show’s main set as a variety of monsters, animals, creatures, and whatnots come out to perform the famous theme song. Meanwhile in a balcony overlooking the theatre are two elderly Muppets: Statler & Waldorf. “They brought a lawyer on the show?” asked Waldorf. Statler replied, “Makes sense. I’ve laughed more in court!”
Back on the main stage, the frog reemerges in front of a red curtain to introduce the show. “Hi-ho and welcome to The Muppet Show! We have a very fun show planned for you tonight with a fantastic guest, California’s hottest defense attorney Phoenix Wright! But before that, we have a great opening number.” The curtain opens as a humanoid Muppet performs “And Your Bird Can Sing” by The Beatles along with a Muppet parrot.
Meanwhile back in the dressing room, Phoenix is still at the desk reading over the case file when he hears a knock at the door. “Just a second Scooter.” The knocking continues. “I told you ‘in a second’.” The knocking gets more frantic. “Ok, fine!” Phoenix goes to the door and opens it. The knocking continues. “Hey!” Phoenix looks down. “Wait, you’re not a Muppet!”. Indeed, looking back at him was not a Muppet, but a 17 year old spirit medium. She exclaims, “NIIIIIIIIIIICK!” Phoenix just stands there, stunned. “Maya? What are you doing here? I thought you were staying back at the office.” “How could I just sit back and wait when my favorite lawyer is going to be on TV and I’m not?” “Maya, do you remember what happened the last time you tried to get on TV? You’re lucky Will and I were able to talk Global Studios down to just a restraining order.” “But The Steel Samurai needed a new Evil Magistrate!” “Maya, you’re five feet tall and that suit was at least a foot taller than you.” “But what if I promise to stay out of the way? Can I stay backstage?” “Fine, so long as you don’t cause any more Steel Samurai style shenanigans.”
Just as Phoenix and Maya come to this agreement, another negotiation is taking place in the main backstage area. There, Kermit and Gonzo are engaged in a heated debate. “But Kermit, this could be my best stunt yet!” Kermit just puts his face in his hand and responds “Gonzo, we’ve been over this; no more stunts! We still haven’t moved past the fiasco from the last one. We couldn’t even cover all the legal fees; I had to offer our lawyer a guest spot just to cover the cost!” Gonzo is undeterred; “But I already had the body double made!” “You had a body double made of yourself?!” “No, of course not. .... I got one of all of us! There’s me, you, Fozzie, Piggy, Sam, Wayne & Wanda...” “Gonzo, I fired Wayne & Wanda two years ago.” “Oh. Well I still have the dummies anyway.”
Phoenix can hear that the song has finished and they have moved onto a cooking segment with The Muppet Show’s own Swedish Chef. He recognizes the unmistakable theme tune culminating in the chef’s signature “Børk børk børk”. The chef has come out to the kitchen set along with a Muppet cow. “[Unintelligible] de hammer burger.” The chef pulls out a comically large hammer from beneath the counter. He points to the hammer, “Hammer,” then to the cow, “burger”. He begins to lift the large hammer. Meanwhile, Phoenix and Maya are listening from backstage. Maya says, “You hear that Nick? He’s making a hamburger. I have to go out there!” “Maya, what part of ‘you can stay so long as you don’t force your way on set again’ have you already forgotten?” Maya pouts and dejectedly responds, “But Nick, hamburgers!” At that moment, The Muppet Show’s main gofer Scooter is walking through the backstage area. Phoenix flags him down, “Scooter, can you do me a favor?” Scooter eagerly replies “Of course, Mr. Wright! I’m here for whatever our guest may need!” “Great, can you go and find my assistant the biggest burger you can possibly find?”. “No problem boss.” Phoenix turns back to look at Maya, only to see she is nowhere to be found. “Maya? MAYA?!”; meanwhile back on the stage, The Swedish Chef is again lifting the hammer and moving toward the cow. Just as he is about to strike, the set is rushed by a certain teenage medium. This sudden surprise startles the cow who begins to go wild. In the confusion, the cow bumps both Maya and the chef causing him to knock himself with the hammer. The cow runs away off stage; the chef cries out “Coom bøck de burger! Coom bøck!”
Backstage, Phoenix is standing with a concerned looking Kermit. Kermit eeps out “What just happened?” Phoenix can only reply, “Maya Fey. Maya Fey just happened. I wish I could say this is the first time she did this. I really do.” “Weirdly enough, this is one of our more controlled shows. Alright, well next is Electric Mayhem, then after that Veterinarian’s Hospital. Make sure we have costumes and props ready!” “Oh that’s right! I’m in that sketch and haven’t changed yet. Someone make sure Maya doesn’t cause more trouble!” And with that, Phoenix rushes back to the dressing room as on the stage the house band Dr. Teeth & The Electric Mayhem start a rendition of Boston’s “More Than A Feeling”.
With Phoenix returning to his dressing room, Kermit turns his concern to another matter. Rowlf walks into the backstage area in his Dr. Bob costume for Veterinarian’s Hospital. Kermit sees him and asks him, “Rowlf, while the band is on, could you go to the prop room and fetch the props for your sketch?” Rowlf barks back sarcastically, “Oh, fetch the props? Because I’m a dog? The bear needs to watch out, Kermit’s considering himself a comedian now.” “Rowlf, can you please just get the props?” Rowlf responds in a complete tonal shift, “Sure, no problem.” He walks away toward prop storage. As he does, he quietly mutters “I never had to put up with this with Jimmy Dean.”
Rowlf opens the door to the prop room. Immediately, everyone in the backstage area hears a horrified scream. The entire cast plus Phoenix in a hospital gown rush over to the prop room and make a terrifying discovery: Scooter lying on the floor with a knife in his back.
End of Chapter One