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Chapter Text

Subaru woke up and felt his face, rubbing his fingers along the course hair growing from his chin. It wasn't at the point of being overly itchy and bordered between five o'clock shadow and stumble. He ran his hand over the black whiskers and wondered how he would look with a full beard. So instead of shaving, he opted to let the mane grow.

By this time, Beatrice was waking up and rolled over to look at Subaru as he sat on the edge of the bed, massaging his chin, contemplating how long he should grow his beard and whether he should twirl the ends of his mustache.

Betty stared, "Subaru, what are you doing, in fact?" she asked, perplexed by her contractor's morning actions. 

Subaru looked at Beatrice, "Beako, I have decided to grow my beard out."

Beatrice blinked several times, processing what she had just heard, "Subaru, Betty is sorry to say, but no, in fact."

"No?"

"Exactly, shave your face and never speak of a beard again,  I suppose. "

Subaru turned away and then looked back at her, "Beako, my darling little sister, the appa of my eye, the song that is my life--"

"Complimenting Betty won't work, I suppose!" Beatrice shouted, "No beard, in fact!" Beatrice crossed her arms,

"You're not the boss of me!" Subaru stood to look at her,

"Yes, I am in fact!' Beatrice stood on her bed at eye level with Subaru, 

"I'm growing a beard, and no one will stop me!" 

Subaru dashed out of the room, with Beatrice trailing from behind, still in her nightgown.

The two ran down the hallway, nearly knocking over Ram, who was turning the corner.

"Barusu! No running in the house!" she yelled, being effectively ignored, 

Ram growled and stopped Beatrice, "Out of the way maid!" Said Beatrice with a snarl,

"What is going on? Why is Barusu acting foolish so early in the morning?" 

"Subaru wants to grow a beard, in fact!"

Ram stared, "I understand, we must hurry."

The two took off after him.

Subaru jumped down the remainder of the stairs as he neared the bottom and busted out of the mansion; Garfiel was training as usual and saw him.

"Cap'n? What's wrong? Are ya being pursued?"

"Yeah, Beatrice wants me to shave, and I want to grow a beard!" Subaru said, running in place,

Garfiel looked and nodded, "I see, leave her to me!" Garfiel cracked his knuckles as he prepared to meet Beatrice head-on,

"Move Garf!" Ram yelled, 

"No can do! You two will not get in tha way of Cap'n and his beard goal!" Garfiel said resolutely,

Ram barreled through Garfiel, not stopping to check on him as he lay unconscious on the ground, 

Beatrice stopped and did that hand thing John Cena does to Garfiel and continued to run after Subaru.

Subaru made it to Arlam and jumped behind a wall to hide; Ram and Beatrice ran by,

"Good, I lost them." 

"Subaru-kun?" 

"Subaru, what are you doing?"

Two voices called to him as sat there hiding. Subaru slowly turned to look at them,

Rem and Emilia were staring at him. Rem had been shopping, and Emilia had tagged along, 

"Subaru, why are you still in your PJs?" Emilia asked, confused as to why her knight hadn't changed, 

"Subaru-kun, where are your shoes?" 

Subaru looked down, "There was no time; I had to abandon them."

Emilia looked closely at Subru, "Subaru? Why haven't you shaved?" 

Subaru looked at Emilia and gulped, "Emilia, I have a confession."  

Subaru stood and looked at her, 

"I am growing my beard."

Emilia placed her hands over her mouth, "Subaru! No!" Tears started forming: "If you grow a beard, your face will be itchy!" 

Emilia's concern was stupid, 

Rem, however, had checked out, imagining Subaru with a beard. 

She looked at Emilia, "Emilia-sama." 

Emilia looked at her, 

"Quick! Behind you!" 

Emilia turned quickly to look, "What, Rem!?"

Subaru looked, too, 

"Subaru-kun! Stop gawking and run!"

Subaru turned back to look at Rem and understood what she was trying to do, 

"Ok," and took off,

"Rem, there is nothing there!" Emilia said, turning around, only to find Subaru gone.

Subaru ran wild through the streets; several had to dodge him as he careened this way and that,  juking several times to avoid village kids, 

Betty was yelling in the background, "Citizens of Arlam! If you see Betty's contractor, Subaru, stop him in fact! He wants to grow a beard!" 

"A beard?" one village said,

"I just saw him!" another said to the other, 

"There!" 

"Get him!" 

Villagers were chasing Subaru with pitchforks and torches. 

Subaru ran into an alleyway, effectively cut off with nowhere to go. Subaru turned  to look at the concerned mob, 

"End of the line, in fact ." Beatrice walked through the crowd, "Give it up, your beard-growing days are over,  I suppose!"

Subaru looked at her, "I see that I have no choice."

Beatrice narrowed her eyes, with Subaru returning her look with his own.

"Invisible Providence!" Subaru shouted; black tendril arms shot out and grabbed the roof of one of the buildings of the alleyway and launched himself through the air.

Subaru soared, but didn't anticipate how high he had overshot himself, 

"SHHHHIIIIITTTT--" He yelled as he flailed his arms,

"Got you!" Emilia caught Subaru mid-air and landed on the grass with grace, 

"Thanks EMT!" Subaru said, wiping sweat from his brow,

"Don't mention it!" Emilia looked at him sinisterly, "Now about that scraggly beard?!" she said and flashed a toothy grin,

"Hold him down, Emilia-sama." Ram stepped forward, "Barusu, try not to move." Ram held a straight raiser, "Unfortunately, Ram doesn't have soap, so she has no choice but to dry shave."

"No, not Ram! Emilia-tan! Please, she'll leave razor burn! I'll shave! Ok!" Subaru pleaded, tears streaming down his face.

"Good boy" Emilia said, 

In the end, Subaru shaved, his beard being just a pipe dream. 

Chapter Text

"I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived."

-Henry David Thoreau

Subaru sat alone. An entanglement of webs held his thoughts of everything he had left behind: a woman he loved, a spirit he promised, a jar of mayo he missed.

The crackling of a fire was the background music he vibed to as these thoughts and more infested his cerebral cortex. 

"Am I making the right decision?" he had asked himself; no doubt his sudden departure had brought grief to his friends and loved ones; he could imagine what they had said; Emilia referring to him as a liar. It pained him to think so, but what he did was meaningful. If he was going to have any semblance of autonomy, he had to get away; otherwise, he would have never known the sensation of having a beard. 

Subaru ran his fingers through his mane. Usually, beard hair would be coarse, but Subaru had regularly applied a regimen of oils to his facial hair. 

Subaru took out his pipe, filling it with Tabaco. He lit the pipe and puffed as he thought to himself, 

"Should I curl my mustache or not?" 

An important question he desperately sought an answer to.

A knock came suddenly. Subaru beckoned their entry, and two figures, cloaked in mystery, stepped forth; one had a book in their hand, the other a bag of unknown items. Subaru looked at the two and took a deep breath,

"Please, have a seat." His voice was gruff and more weathered. He blew smoke rings as the shadowy duo stepped into the ambient light made manifest by the cabin's fireplace. They sat at the table and removed their hoods.

"Cap'n," Garfiel spoke, "Here's that blank book ya wanted. What are ya planning to write?"

Subaru took the book, "My beard compelled me to write of my experiences while here in this cabin. With time to myself, my thoughts run rampant, and I long to record them." 

Garfiel nodded, understanding his brother entirely. Subaru looked at the other figure,

"Rem..." he said,  

The girl was looking downward, seeing Subaru with a full beard was difficult. Since growing the beard his appearance had changed. No more did he wear a tracksuit, but instead a dark brown button-up shirt, the sleeves rolled up, and the top buttons were undone. His chest had grown hair and, together with his beard, both had kept Rem up at night. Being in the same room as Subaru caused the girl heartache and more. 

"Su-Subaru-kun..." she said finally, "I-I brought you food..." Rem pulled her hood back, her face flushed, and her eyes danced between Subaru's countenance and his chest hair. 

She exited the table and stocked the cabin's cabinets with the groceries she had brought. 

Subaru watched her while he smoked his wooden pipe, his eyes trained on the girl's crimson cheeks as she tried her best to maintain her composure. 

"Rem..." Subaru called to her, causing the girl to squeak,

"Y-yes..." She said,

"Do you want to touch my beard?" he asked,

Rem faced him, her jaw clenched and her eyes full of determination and lust. She nodded slowly,

"Yes..." she said, 

Subaru inclined his head, and Rem walked towards him; she knelt and began playing with the ends of his beard. 

Garfiel watched the two with a severe expression, 

"Cap,'n...the princess, she and the great spirit are becoming suspicious of Rem and me."

Subaru stared, pondering what Garfiel was saying,

"I don't know how long we can keep this up?" 

It had been six months since Subaru had been forced to leave. It wasn't easy initially, but as his beard took shape, he knew his reasoning was warranted.  

In just six months, only six months, Subaru had grown a full beard. 

"I see; then we must rethink our tactics to maintain this rouse."

Garfiel nodded, "And there is something more Cap'n..."

Subaru raised an eyebrow, "More?"

"Yes, the beard oil you require? Well, it will be some time before I can get you any." 

Subaru narrowed his eyes, "Why is that?"

Garfiel gulped and began to speak, 

"Rumors are circulating that the witch cult prevents merchants from bringing in beard oil supplies." 

Subaru leaned back, "Those damned cultists...." he said to himself,

Rem stopped caressing his beard, "Subaru-kun," 

Subaru looked at her, "Rem will deal with those monsters. Rem can't stand the thought of your beard not being silky and smooth!"

Subaru nodded in agreement, "Neither can I, Rem. Neither can I..."

As the three sat in silence, banging came suddenly from the door; they froze and looked at one another,

"SUBARU!" A tiny authoritative voice called, "OPEN THE DOOR, IN FACT!" 

"Damn, they found me!" Subaru said as he stood, 

"Cap'n, I didn't know we were followed!" Garfiel said, as he started to worry, 

Rem huddled behind Subaru, quaking in fear, 

"Subaru-kun, Rem is worried,"

He shielded her, "Don't worry, Rem! My beard will protect us!"

She looked into his eyes and then at his chest hair, "Yes, Rem will believe in Subaru-kun!"

More knocking came, "Subaru!" a voice that rivaled the serenity of the music from wind chimes barked, causing Subaru to shift his attention,

"Emilia-tan..." he still remembered the girl and often thought of her, but when it came to having a beard, the choice was obvious, 

"Come out and surrender! I am reeeaally angry with you, Bucko!" 

"No one says bucko nowadays!" he shouted, 

Subaru turned to Garfiel, who was looking out the window, 

"Garf! How many?" He asked,

Garfiel stared in amazement and fear, 

"C-Cap'n!" he turned to Subaru, 

"The entirety of Lugunica's knights and all five camps have gathered!" 

It was true; the armies of Lugunica were against them. Subaru felt his blood run cold. He thought of his beard, no doubt, like before he would be forced to shave; he looked at the two huddled in fear.

Subaru thought of the odds; they were awful. His journey into beard growth and maintenance was coming to an end, 

"We have no choice then," 

Subaru turned to face the door; the rhythmic knocking echoed off the cabin walls. He swallowed, bracing himself for what would soon transpire. He glanced at Garfiel and Rem,

"I can't guarantee our victory, but..." 

Garfiel and Rem's eyes were wide; they understood what was going to come, 

"But, I would rather die on my feet than live on my knees." 

They nodded, stealing their nerves, and they adjusted their stance to a fighting position, 

Garfiel smirked and clenched his fists, "Cap'n....," Subaru glanced at him, "I'm gettin' too old for this shit."

Subaru smirked, happy to have his brother by his side,

"Subaru-kun..." 

Subaru looked at Rem; "I love you..."

"I know," he said and turned to the door,

"Alright! Prepare yourselves, Emilia-tan and Beako! Let us begin this farce!"

They stepped forward, and the only thing they waited for them beyond the door was death.

Chapter Text

Deep within the confines of bedsheets, an oversized comforter, and a wide array of pillows, a girl of memorizing beauty stirs. 

Her silver eyelashes flutter and slowly open; she stifles a yawn. Sitting up in bed, she stretches. She gracefully jumps from her bed and into her custom-made cat slippers. She chuckles to herself when she sees them. 

Sunlight peaks through the curtain lace of her bedroom, one window is open, and a warm breeze fills the air. Already, her morning is tranquil. She smiles, placing her hands on her hips, she declares to no one listening, 

"Today is shaping up to be fine and dandy!" 

Knocking comes suddenly from her door; the rhythmic pitter-patter of a tiny fist anxiously seeks her attention. The girl turns and goes to open the door; on the other side stands a little maid with an oversized red ribbon on top of her head. 

"Good morning, Petra!" the girl says with enthusiasm, 

"Emilia-sama!" Petra exclaimed, "Subaru-sama has vanished!" 

Emilia froze,  as well as a quarter of the room behind her, 

"What....?" Emilia's stare was vacant. She worked to process the words spoken to her, but the meaning always turned out the same: Subaru had decided to fuck-off to who knows where,

Petra shivered, and her teeth chattered, 

"E-E-Emi-mi-mi-milla-S-Sama....?" 

Emilia, blinked, "Oh! I'm sooooo sorry!" Emilia realized she was on the verge of starting an ice-age in the wing of the mansion, reversed the sudden climate change, 

As Petra thawed, Emilia said to her, "Take me to Beatrice!" 

***

The sage council stood discerning the text printed on the dragon tablet; their eyes of concern deciphered the words as they rubbed their scraggly beards, all the while reading:

"He cometh with mane, and his furry willst bringeth calamity. Ye take shelter, for thy kingdom has cometh, know thou art to beith sacked promptly...."

The words written in stone drew thoughts of anxiety and feelings of, "Oh shit!" as they read them repeatedly, 

One council member then looked to the other council member, 

"Fetch the orb of truth!" he ordered, and the council member being bossed around made haste and brought the requested object, 

With the orb in hand, the council member shook it, 

"Whom do grow such a beard to force us from our place of power?" 

Smoke filled the orb of truth until prophetic words appeared within, 

"Reply hazy, try again," 

The lead council member let out a monstrous "Ugh" before asking the question again,

Suddenly, the doors of the council's chambers burst forth, and a knight briskly walked toward them, 

"Pardon the intrusion, my lords, but I have received an urgent letter from the Mather's estate," 

Confused murmurings echo in the sage chamber until the knight hands over the letter delivered magically, 

"Check it. Betty here, demanding you losers put out a search for her contractor, Subaru. He has entered a rebellious phase and has left to grow a beard and find himself, whatever that means, but what's important is the part about the beard. So stop whatever the hell you are doing, in fact, and alert the kingdom, I suppose!

Attached is an artist's rendition of what Subaru might look like with a beard. 

Hasta la vista, nerds! 

-whatever, in fact
Betty, great-spirit at large and she who commands Subaru." 

The council members look at the photo and gasp melodramatically, and shake the orb of truth, 

"Is the knight Subaru the one we seek?"

Words appear inside the orb once more, 

"All signs point to yes"

"It's worse than we feared!"
 
"Quick! Alert the sword-saint!" 

Soon, the sage council put the word out. The royal candidates all gathered together to discuss Subaru growing a beard, 

"Mineself could give two shits!" Priscilla said in a very Priscilla-like manner, 

"But Subaru with a beard means his face won't be cute and smooth!" 

Emilia said pleadingly.

It should be said that Subaru leaving to pursue facial hair has caused Emilia to lose sleep. Her appearance, though still adorable, was disheveled; she wore her hair in a bun, and instead of the luxurious dress that she always wore, she now had on sweatpants and a baggy T-shirt, leaving several of her fellow candidates jelly that she pulled off such a lazy look so well.

"Miss Emilia," Crusch started, "Why not let your knight grow a beard? I'm sure he would look quite strapping with one."

The girls raised an eyebrow, causing Crusch to play with her hair in a charming and nervous-like manner, 

"I'm just sayin'," she said with a teehee,

"Well, I'm with Priscilla; who fuckin' cares what Big Bro wants to do? He is an adult, I think?" 

Felt said this, who still hadn't figured out Subaru's actual age but suspected he was at least an adult per Lugunica standards, 

"But the council said Subaru with a beard could spell doom or something?" Emilia tried to reason,  

"Pfft-" Priscilla scoffed, "The stargazers tried to warn of the same thing! I told Vincent not to get his panties in a wad, but he kept going on and on about how a Beard would ruin Natsumi's appearance," 

Emilia didn't understand the last part, but the fact that the stargazers were also concerned gave her anxiety. Subaru wanting facial hair was now considered an international crisis!

Anastasia rubbed her scarf; she hadn't added much, relegating herself to the background. She, like Crusch, started to ponder how Natsuki-kun would look with a full beard. She didn't harbor any romantic feelings for Subaru, but the thought of him riding dragon back with his shirt off and beard flowing freely caused her heart to flutter, as well as much more, 

Anastasia crossed her legs, "Maybe we should let 'em grow a beard?" 

Emilia looked at her, "Why is your face suspiciously red?"

"Oh, uh, it's hot in here, and I keep dressin' inappropriately, considering the warmer climate of the capital, " 

Emilia nodded, but she suspected more, 'No doubt these street walkers are having impure thoughts!' she thought to herself; it was unclear if she knew the meaning of 'street walker' or not, 

"Well, I don't care!" Priscilla gets up to leave, "Mineself is leaving. Who cares if the fool wants a beard?"

As she is leaving, one of the council members listening in stops her, 

"It would seem I need to sweeten the deal?" he says as he stares at Priscilla and the others debating such a hot topic. He clears his throat, 

"Whoever brings the half-elves knight back shaved will get 20 points added to their election run! Also-" he pulls out his wallet, "This gift card to the hottest nightclub in Lugunica. It's new, and if I recall, even you, Priscilla, have had trouble getting on the list?" 

Priscilla stares at the gift card; she growls, "Very well! Let's commence with the search," 

"Yay!" Emilia puts her hand out, along with the others,  "Okay, gals! On three, we shout search party!" 

"one"
"two" 
"three" 

"Search party!" they shout in unison, signaling the beginning of the search for Natsuki Subaru.

It would take them six months to realize Subaru was in a guest house near Roswaal's mansion. 

Chapter Text

The Natsuki household had been quiet since the unforeseen departure of Subaru six months prior. Both parents, Kenichi and Naoko, had labored in his search, working with the local authorities in hopes that they would learn what exactly had happened to their son. 

The police investigation would reveal no evidence of his disappearance, and the case would be closed. 

However, this would not stop his parents. Kenichi had searched the globe, along with Naoko, but neither the hair nor head of their son, Subaru, was uncovered.  

Ultimately, both parents relented, spent their days in grief, and assumed the worst. That Subaru had died.

It is extraordinarily difficult for parents who lose a child, whether through an unforeseen tragedy or sudden disappearance. Regardless of age, no parent wishes for their child to die before they do, and they want nothing more than to be a part of their lives. 

It was the same for Natsuki Subaru's mother and father. He had been an only child,  and their lives revolved around him. They had done everything they could for their son, and when he had become withdrawn and distant, they never stopped loving him, allowing him space but never ceasing to love and support him. 

"Be seeing you," 

These were the words Naoko spoke the night Subaru vanished without a trace. She was the last to see and talk to him; she didn't want to believe it when Subaru hadn't come home and assumed he was staying with friends. She maintained this stage of denial for days, refusing to accept her baby was gone. In the end, she retreated and became a shell of her former loving self. 

Kenichi, too, became distant, growing angry with his son for causing them to worry, until his anger turned to depression, leaving him to believe he was the cause of Subaru running away. 

Their marriage would suffer, and what was once a loving couple was now reduced to strangers who just happened to live together. Neither of them spoke with one another. Kenichi slept alone, with Naoko choosing to sleep in Subaru's bed. They still loved one another, but every time they looked at or spoke to each other, they saw their son. It was painful; Subaru being gone was tearing them apart. 

It was nighttime; Naoko was in Subaru's room, crying to herself, while her husband, Kenichi, sat in the living room watching an old Arnold Schwarzenegger film on TV. 

Kenichi's eyes started to grow heavy, and eventually, he would drift off to sleep. 

***

Subaru was trapped within a patch of brambles; thorny tendrils snaked and coiled around his throat, drawing blood and cutting off his oxygen supply. He tried to shout for help but had difficulty mustering the words. He cried as his oppressive situation worsened, and no matter how hard he fought, he couldn't break free from his endless struggle until he had no choice but to accept his infinite loop of torture. 

All around him, wolves howled and snarled. They waited patiently to devour his corpse. Once able, the wolves would bite and tear his flesh. Striping the meat from his bones and swallowing Subaru's remains to provide them sustenance. The pack of fowl beasts would then regurgitate what they had eaten, and from the wolves vomit, Subaru would emerge and again become entangled in the briar patch.

This torment would had gone on undisturbed if not for a beacon of light that shown down upon him, relinquishing the briar's grip and destroying those who threatened him harm.

Stretching down from Asgard, a thick rope of dark hair extended itself. Subaru took hold of the lifeline presented to him, allowing Subaru to free himself from his thorny prison. He ascended upwards until the rope began to fuse and become one with Subaru. He was unafraid and permitted the smooth, soft hair to infect his body until a beard sprouted forth, leading to Subaru's ascension to the throne of light, becoming the King of Kings. 

*** 

Kenichi woke up. The movie he watched was over, and the credits rolled. He felt his face; he smiled and ran to wake his wife. 

"Naoko, my love, wake up!" Kenichi shook his wife's shoulder, startling her and causing her to look at her husband. 

Her eyes were wide as she looked at him with urgency, "What is it, Kenichi? Is it about Subaru!?" her words were full of hope as she looked into her husband's smile, 

"Yes, get up. I know where Subaru is!" 

Naoko started to cry and embraced her husband. Their search was coming to an end. 

Chapter Text

His jaw clenched, and his eyes stare at the cabin's door knob. He glanced at Rem and Garfiel behind him; their eyes met his. Both wore looks of determination and fear, fear for what lay beyond the door and the determination to face it.  

He and Garfiel nodded to one another, and Rem, holding her hands to her chest, bowed hers. The moment had come. Emilia, Beatrice, along with the four other candidates, their knights, and the strength of Luguinica set against them. 

Emilia had played her hand, and it was time for Subaru to lay his cards on the table. But Subaru refused to give up, and he would continue to gamble with the little chips he had left. He wasn't out yet, and despite the odds, Subaru would maintain his poker face to the bitter end. 

"Alright, you two," he said once more,

"Let's get this over with," Garfiel said, slamming his fists together, 

Rem produced her morning star, "Rem is ready, Subaru-kun," 

Subaru turned to face the door; he ran his fingers through his beard once more, 

"ALRIGHT!" He shouted, "Emilia-tan, prepare yourself!" 

Subaru grabbed the door knob and flew open the cabin door. All three charged headlong to face those opposing Subaru's beard. They had come this far, Rem and Garfiel for aiding Subaru, and Subaru, who now wished for a life of peace while he grew and maintained his facial hair. 

They roared their battle cry:

"FOR BEARD!!!"

The three of them bellowed,

Garfiel took on his beast form, and Rem ignited her horn; Subaru was out in front, his whip cracked and hissed, and his beard danced with fury. 

 They ceased their charge midway when they realized their surroundings had changed,  

"Cap'n? Where tha hell are we?" Garfiel relaxed his stance and stifled his beast form as he glanced here and there. 

Rem came close to Subaru, grabbing hold of his arm, she nuzzled her face into his shoulder, "Su-Subaru-kun, Rem is scared," She slowly reached her hand up to Subaru's face and began to play with his beard,

"You two have nothing to worry about," he looks at Rem and Garfiel, "But what you may learn here will shock you," 

Rem stops caressing Subaru's beard to look at him, "Subaru-kun, do you know this place?" 

Subaru hesitates momentarily, unsure how to start this conversation; he closes his eyes, 

"Do you-" he takes a deep breath, "Do you two trust me?" 

Garfiel looks confused by Subaru's question, "Cap'n? You already know the answer to that." 

Subaru stares at his friend; he looks at Rem, 

"Rem would follow Subaru-kun over the great waterfall," 

Subaru considers his following words. He takes a deep breath, "I'll hold you two to that," 

Subaru looks away from them, "You can come out now," 

His words echo throughout the shadow garden; just before they were to meet Emilia and Beatrice in battle, the three of them stumbled into a place tucked away in the void. Subaru, initially anxious, calmed his nerves. It was only a matter of time before she would reveal herself to him, and now that threats had surfaced against his beard, it stood to reason that Satella would put her foot down in an attempt to protect Subaru and his mane, 

A shadowy figure starts to form, and Rem's senses flood with the miasmic smell the witch naturally gives off. She stares in horror, her teeth chatter, and her eyes unblinking. She grabs Subaru once more and buries her face in his chest hair; she weeps softly as the woman of her nightmares reveals herself. 

Garfiel's knees shake while he holds a boxer's stance. He works on his bravado, but the situation they find themselves in has gone from strange to fucked in record time. 

Subaru doesn't waver, and with the voice of lightening he speaks with Satella, 

"Why have you brought us here, woman?!" he shouts the question, 

Satella looks at Subaru curiously; she hasn't spoken yet, her breathing slightly labored. She has difficulty making eye contact with Subaru, who stands before her; his hawkish glare bores into her as he waits for her answer, 

Satella tries to speak and clears her throat, "Uh, I-" she looks away from Subaru. A faint reddish tint brings life to her pale cheeks, "I love your beard, Su-Subaru...." 

"Huh?" Garfiel and Rem say in unison, staring with perplexion at the witch of envy. The two work to process the unexpected compliment. Subaru ignores them; he looks back at Satella, 

"Is that why you stand in my way, Satella?" his voice roared, causing Satella to quake in her stance, 

Satella continues to look down, lightly touching the tips of her index fingers to one another, "Uh, well, you see...."

Garfiel looks at her, "Listen, witch! Whatever you have planned for the Cap'n, know this," he cracks his knuckles, "It will be more complicated than a Nefielheim ant pushing a boulder up Mount Willy Wonka!" 

Rem looks at Garfiel with confusion and shakes her head; she steps forward, "Rem isn't sure? But she believes Garfiel is saying you'll have to go through us first!" 

Her horm comes to life once more, and her morning star makes itself known; Rem smiles menacingly, 

"Now bitch! Prepare yourself!" 

Before Rem could start her attack,  Subaru's hand falls on her shoulder; Rem turns to look at him, 

"Enough, you two, Satella means us no harm,"

They stare at Subaru with urgency, 

"Cap'n! But she-" 

Subaru looks at Garfiel; his look speaks volumes, 

He looks back at Satella, "Now, in ten words or less, explain yourself! My patience grows thin with the thickness of my beard, and as you can see, it's on the verge of breaking,"

Satella swallows hard; she calms her beating heart to look at Subaru. Her eyes, however, dance between his beard and his chest hair; she bites her lip, 

"I want to protect you and your beard, let me help,"

Subaru feathers his beard; he looks at her, "That was eleven words, you went over,"

Satella's shoulders slump in defeat, 

"But-" 

She looks up at Subaru, he smiles at her,

"I could always use another ally in the fight for facial hair,"

Garfiel attempts to protest, "But Cap'n!" he shouts, standing between Subaru and Satella, 

"Siding with the witch of envy is siding with the witch cult!"

Rem steps forward, "Garfiel is right! Rem loves you, but there are lines that even she won't cross!" 

Subaru looks at the two; he understands their anger and trepidation, but they have misplaced bias, like the world they grew up in. He shakes his head,

"You two are wrong," 

They offer him muddled looks,

"What?" they say,

Subaru looks at Satella, "Are you head of the witch cult?"

They turn to look at Satella, 

She waves her hand in front of her face and chuckles, "Oh no, I don't fuck with those dorks, that bitch Pandora leads that group of mouthbreathers," 

Subaru places his hands on his hips and looks at Garfiel and Rem, "Do you see? The witch cult uses her name to instill fear into the hearts of the citizens; she isn't affiliated and is more or less harmless,"

Rem and Garfiel look at Subaru, 

"Uh, Cap'n, that explanation doesn't make sense," 

Subaru lowers his brow, Garfiel looks away,

Rem looks once more at Satella and then at Subaru,

"OK, despite Rem's suspicions, she still chooses to trust Subaru-kun,"

She turns toward Satella once more; she walks towards her, she wrinkles her nose,

"Tell Rem why you are so interested in helping us and Subaru-Kun's beard?" 
 
Satella looks at her, "I don't owe you an explanation; my beloved says it's cool I help, so build a bridge and get over it, hussy!" 

Satella sticks her tongue out at Rem, 

Rem becomes furious, "Beloved!? Hussy!?"

Subaru steps between them, "Stop this pratilling at once!" 

He looks at Satella, "You will work to get along with Garfiel and Rem," 

Satella pouts and crosses her arms, "FINE!"

Rem looks at her smugly; Subaru glares, "And the same goes for you too!"

Rem clenches her jaw, "OK, and if Rem doesn't, she will let Subaru-kun spank her,"

Subaru looks at her; his beard hides his blush, 
"Uh, OK..."

Satella looks at Rem with jealousy, "Hey! I want to be spanked, too!" 

Subaru looks back and forth at the two rival perverts, "Enough with the spanking talk!" 

Subaru shouts, breaking beard character; he looks to Garfiel, who stares in disbelief, 

"Damn," he rubs his face, "My amazing self needs to work on his own beard,"

Subaru sighs, turning to Satella, "OK, so what's the plan?" 

"We leave and regroup; Dona has a fortress set aside for us; we go there together and plan for battle,"

"Dona?" Rem and Garfiel question, 

"I see, so she stands with us as well? But I thought you two didn't get along?" 

"We have set aside our difference to protect your beard,"

Subaru nods, "Alright, let us be off!

"Wait, Cap'n!" Garfiel shouts, "Who tha fuck is this Dona person?" 

"Rem wishes to know too!"

Subaru looks at them and shrugs, "She is Echidna, the witch of greed, of course,"

Rem and Garfiel deadpan, 

"You gotta be fuckin' kiddin' me...."

They both say at the same time,  

With pleasantries set aside, the four of them teleport to the stronghold prepared for them.

***

When the cabin door flew open, Emilia and Beatrice charged forth, only to find the cabin vacant; they stopped and looked around in confusion, 

"Wait, where is Subaru?" Emilia asks,

Beatrice walks into the kitchen area and sniffs. Her contractor was just here, but he has vanished miraculously; she creases her brow, 

"Betty suspects foul play, in fact, " 

A luminescent butterfly floats suddenly in front of her, catching the great spirit off guard; it changes shape into a letter that Beatrice snatches from the air. She opens the letter and starts to reads,

Dearest daughter,

It is me, Echidna! I'll give you a minute to act surprised. 

Ok, minute up! Check it! Subaru and his beard are with me and the gang, and there's nothing you or that skank Emilia will do about it! So suck it, noobs!

TTYL, 

Echidna,
The all-knowing and all-beautiful witch of greed

Beatrice growls crumbles up the letter, and punts it into the fireplace; she stares at the burning note lost in her thoughts,

Emilia approaches, 

"What's up, beako? What did that strange letter say?"

Beatrice looks annoyed; she ignores Emilia, referring to her by that name. Beatrice grits her teeth, 

"It would seem that our situation has gotten hairier, I suppose," 

Emilia chuckles at the pun, and the two leave the cabin to regroup with the others.

The situation has changed, and with each passing minute, Subaru's beard grows. They'll need to plan accordingly.  

Chapter Text

I enter this world, born under a sign of infinite lights, and here I shall dwell, I now understand, all that I am, Shall live in thy command

-Manowar

The great tree of Yggdrasill towers above all; its vast branches spread over the world and reach up, blanketing the nine realms, sheltering them. The tree's three great roots extend into the world of Asgard, Jotunheim, and Niflheim, the world of the dead.  

It is the axis of the nine worlds; the mighty ash tree is just another name. It is timeless, has no known origin, and will be the only living thing to survive Ragnarok. 

Another name for Yggdrasill is the Gaurdian Tree; it shelters, nourishes, and suffers from the inhabitants it protects. Like babes suckling on a mother's teat, the creatures of the nine realms are able to thrive.

As times change and old stories are lost to obscurity, the world's inhabitants lose their reverence for the Great Tree. In the end, the name Yggdrasill passes into myth, and the creatures of Midgard forget its importance entirely. 

It was on this forgotten tree that Odin hung from for nine nights, with his side gravely injured by a spear, Odin sought the wisdom of the dead. His beard grew thick as he peeled back the dead's secrets. Soon, his eyes would open, and with his newfound knowledge of runes and magic, Odin carved out shapes from the ash tree. These humans, demi-humans, elves, and drawfs would come to inhabit the worlds below. Going on to live fullfilling lives under his watchful gaze.

This is why Odin was called the all-father. Because he was the father of the gods and of the creatures of Midgard.

Odin lived in the great hall of Valhalla, and when warriors died bravely in battle, beautiful battle maidens called Valkyries carried the deceased to his halls, where their beards grew long. The warriors spent their days drinking, laughing, and battling one another in the name of Odin.

Odin had sons; chief amongst them was the Mighty Thor, the god of thunder, whose red beard glowed more magnificently than the sun. With his hammer, Mjölnir, Thor protected the gods from the giants and those who wished the gods harm. Thor was not very bright, but what Thor lacked in intelligence, he made up for in strength, courage, and kindness. He was well respected amongst the gods of Asgard and revered in the worlds below.

Odin's blood brother, Loki, the beardless, was handsome, likable, convincing, shrewd, and wily. He was friends with Thor but was also his betrayer. He could change forms, taking on other people's appearances or that of animals. He is tolerated by the other gods, partly because his plans and stratagems save them, as often as they get them into trouble. 

Despite their brotherhood, Loki regularly caused the gallow's god a massive headache. 

Odin often traveled the nine realms. He did so in disguise, wearing a cloak and hat. He changed his appearance. Mingling amongst mortals, Odin would perform odd jobs, stand along side warriors in battle, dine with kings, and provide them with wise counsel. 

His name was often changed when he walked amongst the inhabitants of Midgard. He made many friends as well as enemies. He often built legends not attributed to him but the masks he wore. Despite Midgard forgetting the names of the gods, they remember Odin by other means; the world now called Lugunica referred to him as the sage.

Odin visited other realms not within the roots of Yggdrasill. One place in particular was the nation of Japan. Here, Odin, under the assumed name of Natsuki Kenichi, met a woman named Naoko. Together, the two would marry, and they would have a child named Natsuki Subaru. 

Odin cherished his son so much that he did not return to Valhalla, trusting his great hall to Subaru's half-brother, Thor. 

When Subaru vanished, Odin fell into depression, along with his wife, Naoko. However, his son achieved his destiny, growing his beard, allowing Odin to locate him. When his face tingled and itched, Odin knew his son, Subaru, still lived. 

He suspected where he might be and with his wife. The two traveled the Rainbow bridge back to Valhalla, where they would speak with the other gods and learn what had become of their son. 

With Subaru's beard thick and robust, Odin knew that soon Ragnarok would take place. 

Chapter Text

The small fortress sat deep within the confines of the Mather's domain, seemingly lost to time, evident by green tendril arms that snaked and coiled around the stone structure, suffocating it while at the same time hiding the abandoned fortress from any prying eyes in search of it. 

Perched on a window sill in one of the fortress's tallest spires, a loan girl sits. Dressed in a thick, black coat, conservative in decoration, the girl's white hair flows in the wind as she scans the grounds below. 

Her hair seems to have a mind of its own as the white hair shifts and dances, tickling her face in defiance. She places hair behind her ear, but despite doing so, it breaks free from its bindings, causing her to frown at her disobedient hair. She wonders if she should put it up into a bun or pull it back into a ponytail, but it is a question she can find no answer to.

The redundant and pointless monologue ended when three individuals appeared behind her, causing the girl to turn and look at them. 

She sees one of them and smiles but ignores the other two, offering them no salutations; the way she sees it, they are nothing more than happenstance hitchhikers. 

"Ol' hag?" 

Garfiel looked at the girl; seeing the familiar coat caught him off guard, but she seemed different. When she looked at him, her obsidian eyes caused the boy to tense under their gaze.

She doesn't acknowledge him and instead focuses on Subaru; she blushes slightly,  

"My, my, how handsome you are, Subaru,"

The girl's eyes look longingly into Subaru's beard; her mesmerized stare moves between his manly facial features and chest hair. She licks her lips, 

"Hey, Rem recognizes that look!"

Rem steps forward, her fist clenched. She looks at the girl, and starts to speak, but is cutoff by Subaru,

"Echidna?" Subaru questions, "I must admit, I didn't expect to hear from you, let alone see you outside the graveyard,"

Garfiel and Rem cast suspicious looks at the girl, 

"Rem sees, so you're the witch of greed?" 

Rem glances around, "So where is the other bitch witch who brought us here, then?"

"Fuck you, skank!"

A tiny voice shouts suddenly, leaving the three of them confused as they search for the miniature Satella, 

"Where is Satella?" asks Subaru,

Rem scoffs, "Rem could honestly care less, despite her saving Subaru-kun and his beard; Rem believes Subaru-kun is better off without the "whore" of envy!"

"You keep running that suck maid, and I'll show you how awful I can be!" 

"Do it!" Rem answers her challenge and looks around for her, "Subaru-kun will see how nasty of a person you are," 

Subaru steps in front of Rem and Echidna; the witch of greed had been smiling while the two love rivals had their back and forth. Subaru crosses his arms and looks down his brow at the witch in front of him and then at Rem, 

"Rem. Satella, wherever you are, I thought I told you both to get along! Remember our common goal," Subaru rubs his chin, 

Rem bows her head, "Rem is sorry; she will try to get along with her," 

Satella is silent momentarily, but then, in a change of tone, a sweet sounding voice innocently speaks, 

"Subaru? Is that you?" Satella questions,

Subaru, Rem, and Garfiel look at Echidna. Around her neck, a crystal tied to a small piece of rope comes into view. Subaru narrows his eyes,

"I see, so that is where you are?" 

Rem steps beside him, she looks at the crystal, 

"Subaru! What happened? I was with you guys, and the witch of envy suddenly took over! I hope she didn't say anything reeeaaally mean?" 

"Huh?" was all Rem could offer in reply, 

"I see, so it was the witch of envy fighting with Rem?

Rem turns to look at Subaru with utter confusion,  

"Wait? What!?" 

Subaru looks at her and then Garfiel, "You see, Satella and the witch of envy are two different personalities in one person. The personality insulting you must have been the witch of envy?" 

"Yes! Exactly! I am soooo sorry, Rem, for calling you a whore, or skank, or slut, or bitch, or cunt, or-" 

"Hey! Subaru-kun! Rem thinks she is lying!" 

Subaru looks at Rem and then the crystal, "Is that true?" 

"What? Oh, Sorry, I had to use the bathroom; the bitch of envy must have taken over. Sorry, Ram,"

"It's Rem!"

"Who's Rem?" 

"Subaru-kun!" 

Rem looks at Subaru and starts to pout, similar to a child tattling on another child for calling them mean names,

"This is takin' too long!" 

Garfiel approaches Echidna, "Ol' witch hag! Why did ya bring us here?" 

Echidna frowns at being called an old hag, "Show some respect, "young Gar," you shitty brat!" 

Echidna looks back at Subaru, stroking his beard; he hasn't stopped, actually, 

"Alright, now that you are here, lets go and meet the other witches and start planning for the upcoming battle," 

"MORE WITCHES!" Garfiel and Rem shout comically, their jaws slackening and dangling toward the floor, 

"Alright, sounds like a plan," 

Garfiel and Rem look at Subaru with bewilderment, 

"Cap'n! You trust this Ol' hag! 

"Rem agrees! Witches can't be trusted!"

Subaru looks at them and shrugs, "Nah, they're cool, trust me," 

Rem and Garfiel stare at him, completely taken aback by his nonchalance. They can't comprehend why Subaru is acting so casual about the whole situation, and in the end, they can only assume his beard is the reason behind his stoicism. 

"Alright, so let's be off then," Echidna looks at Garfiel and Rem, "but before we depart, you two will need to drink this," 

A tea set appears in front of Echidna, seemingly out of nowhere; Rem and Garfiel look with wonder at the mysterious tea before them and at Subaru. He nods to them both,  indicating it is safe to drink. Rem and Garfiel exchange looks and grab a cup of tea. 

With the cups in each of their hands, they smell the tea, 

"Oh, it smells good, surprisingly," Rem says, 

"Of course it does; I only produce good-smelling tea," 

Rem looks at Echidna with suspicion due to the odd choice of words. She ignores it however, and together with Garfiel, the two drink the tea down,

"Hey, that's not half-bad!" 

Garfiel says in amazement, 

"Rem is surprised also; she would assume a witch's tea would taste awful?" 

Echidna smiles wickedly and asks Subaru, "Would you care for a cup?" 

"No, if it is anything like the last tea you served, it is probably made from your armpit sweat or worse," 

Rem and Garfiel gasp collectively in horror; their heads turn to look at Subaru and then at Echidna, who shrugs, 

"Well, I am a witch after all," 

Echidna laughs and claps her hands, and before they know it, the three find themselves standing in an endless grass field; near them, a grassy knoll, and atop the small hill is a white table covered by an umbrella, with seven witches all staring at Subaru, Garfiel, and Rem.

"Welcome to my tea party," Echidna stands, "Please, why don't you three come and join us? We have much to discuss," 

Echidna, now dressed in black, stands taller than she had before, the only similarity to her spirit counterpart being her bone-white hair and obsidian eyes. 

Subaru walks towards the witches, with Rem and Garfiel hesitantly trailing from behind. When the three walk up the hill, Garfiel and Rem stop before sitting at their designated chairs to look at each of the witches, who stare back at them. 

Their eyes land on Satella, who glares at the two of them, specifically Rem, 

Now that Satella can be viewed in more light, both of them stare at her stupefied, 

"Holy shit!" Garfiel shouts, "Ya look like the princess!" 

Satella scowls at the comparison; Rem meanwhile crosses her arms; she continues to stare at her, 

"What is it, maid?" Satella questions, the annoyance in her voice being evident to those around her. It was clear she didn't think much of Rem, let alone any of the women in Subaru's life, 

Rem glances at her up and down, looking unimpressed, "Hmm, Rem doesn't see the resemblance, Emilia-sama's chest is bigger," 

"That's it!" 

Satella slams her hands down on the table and goes to lunge at Rem, only to be held back by Minerva, the witch of wrath, 

"Satella! Calm down!" 

"No way! It's time I teach this bitch some manners!" 

Rem smugly smiles at her with her arms crossed; she looks at the jealous witch with a look of triumphant, 

"Enough, you two!" 

Subaru's voice echoes throughout the castle of dreams, causing all the witches, Garfiel and Rem, to look at him with fear and amazement. Echidna leans back in her chair, 

"So the prophecy is true," she grins devilishly and licks her lips, "Natsuki Subaru, Son of Odin," 

She says this under her breath but loud enough for several of her cohorts to look at her and then at Subaru with wonderment. 

"Now then, Echidna, tell me what it is, you know, and how it will affect my beard!" 

She diverts her eyes, along with several others, 

"Y-yes, please, Subaru, have a seat, and we'll begin," 

Subaru takes his seat with Rem and Garfiel beside him. The awe-inspiring looks they share never look away from Subaru's majestic countenance, and despite sitting down, Subaru towers above them all.

Chapter Text

Beatrice and Emilia step outside. Several members of her camp, rival candidates, and knights stare at them confusedly. 

Ram approaches the two; it was clear to her by the bewildered looks Emilia and Beatrice shared that Natuski Subaru had somehow escaped.

"Ram takes it Barusu was not in the cabin?" she asked,

Emilia dropped her head, "No, and Beatrice still can't locate him,"

Ram stares at Beatrice, 

When Subaru and his beard left the mansion, it had caused a considerable uproar. Beatrice, confident she could find him due to their contract, was unable to. 

They still shared a contract between them, but for reasons not explained, there was interference. It was unclear if Subaru's beard was preventing her from locating him. 

She growled, annoyed. Subaru got the jump on her. She stomped her foot, 

"Betty assumes it's Roswaal again!" 

She shouted. Ram looked at her more closely,

"Rsowaal-sama has already advised he would not be aiding Barusu any further. Ram hates to admit it, but Roswaal-sama was out of line this time."

In an ironic twist of fate, Roswaal had been the one to give Subaru a key to the hidden cabin and suggested he hideout there while Subaru grew his beard. 

Only when Petra took notice of Rem packing food and supplies and decided to follow her one afternoon were they able to locate the cabin in the first place. 

Garfiel was also an accomplice when several Arlam citizens reported to Emilia and Beatrice that he had purchased beard grooming supplies despite not having a beard.

Ultimately, they agreed to rally the troops, prepare to ambush the three insurrectionists and bring them to justice. 

Roswaal was pardoned and pinpointed the precise location of the cabin; otherwise, he risked his nobility title and domain. 

Roswaal reluctantly betrayed Natsuki Subaru, hoping the bearded boy would forgive him.  

Reinhard overhead the conversation turned to Julius and the other knights, 

"It would seem that Sir Subaru was able to escape,"

Julius looks down his brow, "Then we waste time here; we should return to the capital and report this to the council," 

"Yes, you are correct, Julius; order the knights to retreat, and we will reconvene at the royal palace," 

Julius bowed and turned to the knights, 

"Knights of Lugunica! Subaru, his beard, and the other two aiding them have escaped! Your orders are to return to the capital. Once we meet with the sage council, we will reassemble and bring Subaru and his beard to justice!"

An uproar of whooping and shouting echoes throughout the forest from the knights, all gathered there with the shared goal of shaving Subaru. 

The knights were disappointed with the rebellious youth who had failed to read the knightly rulebook, stating in chapter 52, section 4, under dress code and facial hair, where in basic i-glyphs, it reads: 

"All knights are to forgo any facial hair that would prevent an adequate seal with the use of the self-contained breathing apparatus(SCBA). Mustaches are acceptable. Any knight who fails to uphold the stated rule will be tarred and feathered."

The knights also doubled as firefighters. 

Julius had considered growing a handle-bar mustache, but Anastasia prevented him from growing one, under the pretense that it would, 

"Make ya look like a pedophile,"

Reinhard could not grow any facial hair due to some cockamamie divine protection, which gave him the blessing of always having a baby face. 

Felix regularly waxed his mustache, along with all his body hair. 

Al had a beard, but the other knights forgot he was a knight, allowing the mystery man to fly under the radar.  

Speaking of Al, here is what he had to say about everyone up in arms about Subaru having a beard:

"What a bunch of dragon shit!"

After Julius gave the order, he returned to Reinhard, who stood next to Felt and the other royal candidates. Emilia walked up to join them. 

"So now what?" Felt asks, impatient,  still believing the whole beard business to be a complete waste of time,

"We return to the capital, talk with the council and go from there,"

"Ok, or we go home, and Big sis and lil' sis respect Big bro's independence as a free thinkin' individual and ignore his facial hair!"

Felt's reasonable suggestion earns the stink eye from Beatrice,

"Yeah, but Felt, if Subaru keeps his beard, he could get food in it, not to mention how itchy it would be when he woke up!" 

Emilia pleaded her anti-beard case to the short blonde girl, who snorted,

"Really? That's what you are concerned about?"

"Yes, also Subaru leaving, which wasn't very cool of him,"

Felt sighs, "I can understand the last part, but if you had just accepted his beard, would we have a problem?"

Julius looks at the girl, " Need I remind you that Subaru having a beard spells danger for the country of Lugunica? The council has consulted with dragon tablets, and Subaru's mane spells calamity. Though they didn't elaborate further, regardless, he needs to shave!"

Anastasia looks at Julius; he has been vocal about his displeasure about Subaru having a beard. Anastasia wondered why exactly. She agreed with Felt. Anastasia had a business to run and had no time for shenanigans. 

"Julius," 

Julius looks at Anastasia, "Yes, my lady?"

"Are you sure this isn't about Natsumi?"

Emilia looks at Julius with curiosity. Julius meanwhile turns red with embarrassment, 

"Julius, is she your girlfriend? Congratulations! What does Natsumi think of Subaru's beard?"

Julius is speechless, while Emilia earns muddled looks; surely Subaru had mentioned his habit of crossdressing to the girl? It wasn't exactly a secret. 

"Yeah, Julius, what does Natsumi have to say about it?" muses Felix, who grins at the crimson knight,

"Quiet Felix! You are just jealous, is all!"

Julius crosses his arms and harrumphs loudly; he turns around and pouts, 

Felix clicks his tongue; several suspected he was envious of how well Subaru wore a dress, 

"Mineself can't understand the infatuation with Natsumi, why even Vincent had a portrait commissioned of her!"

Priscilla was jealous as well,

"I suggest we talk with Natsuki-dono, and see if he would like to pose for a portrait I could hang in my bedroom," suggested Crusch, who the others ignored entirely,

"We are getting off topic!"

Reinhard tried to steer the conversation back to the matter at hand: Subaru's beard, 

"What's your opinion of Natsumi, pal?"

Asked Al, who thought talking about Subaru crossdressing was more entertaining than discussing his beard,

"I consider Natsumi to be a timeless melody. However, that isn't the issue,"

Reinhard scans the faces of the candidates and knights gathered around him, 

"We return now, we haven't a moment to lose,"

They broke for a quick lunch and went back to the capital.

***

The Grinch equivalent of a council member slithered through the halls of the royal palace. The sage council had just received word of Subaru's evasion of the knights, who were to capture him, leaving the cartoonish-looking man incredibly pissed off.

After meeting his peers, he left, stating that nature was calling him. Instead of going to the bathroom, he ducked into an unoccupied broom closet and removed a familiar leatherbound book from his cloak. 

The Grinch opened his gospel, "Subaru's beard is a problem, it's true, now I'll read my book, to know what to do?"

The gospel read: Capture the turkey and cut off his gobbler. Place his head on a pike as an example.

The Grinch closed his book, "How fiendish of a plan, I'll enact it with great care! The boy will die, along with his beard hair!"

The Grinch's smile engulfed his face, and his heart shrunk two sizes too small that day.

***

The council members looked at one another with uncertainty; when the Grinch suggested they kill Subaru and put his head on a pike, beard and all, it had brought serious grumbling and debate. No doubt, such a decision would do more harm than good. 

"But Subaru is a hero?" Miklotov reminded the Grinch, 

"He is right; we don't wish to kill him; we just want Subaru to shave his beard to keep our seats of power,"

Bordeaux concurred with the senior member; the Grinch nodded his head in false agreement and then spoke his rebuttal, 

"A hero he is, it's true, but if we don't make an example, there will be more Subarus!"

The council members cast glances at one another; they hadn't considered the possibility of copycats, 

"So you're saying he could inspire the masses to grow beards?" 

"Yes, that is what I am sayin'. So we must strike hard so the public knows we ain't playin'!" 

Miklotov sighed and said, " No, it's too risky. I move we reach an agreement with Subaru's beard, I will not risk anarchy in the capital! Killing Subaru is not an option!" 

"I agree!" 

"Here! Here!" 

Rabble, rabble, rabble!

The Grinch plays with his thin mustache,

"I wish you all would reconsider, I implora, but seeing how you won't allow me to introduce Pandora,"

The Grinch points to a vacant seat to his left. The council members look with curiosity at a girl who sits smiling at them. 

"Who are you?" Bordeaux asked, 

The girl with white hair, deep blue eyes, and pale skin looked at them all,

"Hello, my name is Pandora, the witch of vanity,"

The council members stand immediately, stepping back. They proceed to call for the guards, but Pandora prevents them, 

"Let's not have that. Besides, there is no one coming anyways,"

The members look at her with perplexion, and despite their yelling for Marcos, he never comes,

"Now then, you will do what the Grinch says and bring Subaru's head on a platter,"

Pandora uses her Jedi mind trick to convince them. The council members' eyes glow red, and their expressions turn neutral,

"We agree. All hail Pandora."

Says Miklotov with no emotion in his voice,

"All hail Pandora." 

The others say in unison,

The Grinch menacingly rubs his hands together and cackles in ecstasy, 

Pandora's smile widens,

"Soon, son of Odin, very soon,"

It was unclear if Pandora truly wanted Subaru dead or something else was at play. The only one who knew the truth wore the epitome of a poker face, and Pandora wasn't about to show her hand.

***

"And those are your orders! Complete them with haste! Subaru will die and grind the others to a paste!"

The room was silent; the candidates and their knights stood in disbelief. Each word the mysterious council member had spoken was venom to their ears. 

"You want us to kill Subaru?" Emilia asked for clarification, 

"Yes," said the council in unison,

Beatrice blinked; she didn't want to hurt her contractor; she only wanted him to shave his beard and receive a stern lecture and nothing more. 

She clenched her fists, "This is outrageous, in fact!" she yelled," Betty will not allow harm to come to Subaru, only his beard, I suppose!"

The Grinch looked at her, "Subaru, and is his beard, why there one and the same? To destroy one, you must kill the other, so stop being lame!"

His shout caught the girl off guard, 

Reinhard looked at the member; he suspected more than meets the eye when he looked at him, 

"Sir, why kill Subaru if you don't mind me speaking out of turn?"

"Because he is a traitor. If you value your knighthood and your pride as a Lugunican knight, you will carry out the order," said Bordeaux

"But Subawu is our friend!" said Felix, 

"And an enemy of the state." Said Miklotov,

Emilia, looking at the others, and knew what she had to do, 

"I won't do it! Subaru is a good boy; he is just going through a phase, is all."

"But his phase is a problem, don't you see, so stop wasting time and follow our decree!"

Emilia glared at the Grinch,

"I refuse the order. So listen and see! Subaru may be a dunderhead, but he's important to me!"

Several members of her camp, along with the candidates, looked at Emilia with surprise,

The Grinch clicked his tongue, 

"Please, woman, don't bemoan. Is Subaru more important than your place on the throne?"

"Subaru is, I will tell you! You will see! Subaru is important to everyone! Not just me!"

Crusch steps forward, "I agree!" 

"Mineself does as well!" agrees Priscilla, 

"The Hoshin company will not have Natsuki-kun's blood on our hands!" shouts Anastasia, 

"Yeah, so take yer ideas and shove them up your old asses!" Felt gives the Sage Council the international symbol for fucking-off, 

The Grinch scowls, "How brave! How sweet is the song you all sing? But it's clear to me that none of you deserve to be king! So change your tune or get to packin! Because brains are what you all seem to be lackin!

"What are you saying? " asked Crusch, 

"That unless you do what we ask, your candidacy is henceforth null and voided." Spoke a council member,

They look at one another nervously. They had done much to ensure their victory, and now they were at risk of losing all of their hard work, 

Emilia hadn't stopped looking at the Grinch; she closed her eyes and took a deep breath, exhaling slowly, 

"Then I have no choice! I won't be duped! So keep your throne! I quit! You nincompoops!" 

Emilia's shout echoed through the royal palace. She took out her dragon pendant and threw it at the feet of the Grinch. Turning around, Emilia started to walk out. 

Beatrice and members of her camp followed after her. 

"You are making a mistake! You will see! Subaru and his beard will fall, along with thee!" 

Emilia turned to look once more at the Grinch, 

"Frankly, my dear council member, I don't give a darn," 

And like Rhett leaving Scarlett in Gone with the Wind, Emilia dropped out of the royal selection.

Chapter Text

The tension around the table was thick. Not because of disagreement or awkwardness—no, because Subaru's beard had seemed to take on a life of its own. 

What was once a gentle, goofy boy had morphed into a man whose no-nonsense attitude had manifested with the thickening of his mane. 

It was all the witches, Garfiel, and Rem could do to be near such a man. His enormity grew with each passing moment. He was unrecognizable. 

He was still Subaru, but his childishness and naivety were disappearing into the swirling vortex that grew from his face. 

The beard had brought about a change in Subaru. That was made clear by his raucous roar that commanded everyone present in the castle of dreams to cease their nonsensical squabble and get on with what Echidna had planned for them. 

Satella—sitting nearby—looked Subaru. His arms crossed and his lion-like eyes looking at Echidna—who had difficulty matching his gaze. Not once had Echidna ever allowed herself to be intimidated. She felt as if her maidenly heart would burst. 

She crossed her legs to contain herself and sat forward. A red hue slightly colored her cheeks when she looked into Subaru's amber eyes. 

"W-Well," she started, "Onto brass tax, uh..."

The other witches looked at her. Satella, hearing the change in her tone, narrowed their eyes. 

"Hey, 'Chidna?" spoke Typhon, "Why is your voice cracky?" 

Echidna looked at her, "Oh, uh, allergies." 

Minerva gave her a muddled look, along with several of her peers,

"Allergies, my butt," Satella said under her breath. She crossed her arms and leaned back into her chair. She glared at Echidna, "I see you, bitch," 

Echidna ignored her. Typically, she might have had something to say, but she didn't feel like dealing with a crazy, jealous girl. 

"Rem can smell her desire. It is almost as bad as her BO,"

Echidna clenched her jaw. She looked at Rem, "It's not body odor! It's miasma. Get it right."

Rem rolled her eyes, "Call it what you will, but lucky for Rem. Subaru's beard has been acting as a filter. Otherwise, she might vomit from being around you or the other skank,"

"You wanna go bitch?!" 

Satella leaned over Subaru, giving Rem her best middle finger and a look that promised the maid that they both were about to throw hands,"

"Ladies, please!" 

Subaru looked at them both. They looked down under his reprimanding gaze. 

Garfiel, meanwhile, was taking everything in. The whole situation was already wild, to begin with,  but now it was bordering on pure lunacy. 

Ultimately, he sat silently while the bizarre charade played out.

Echidna cleared her throat yet again, "As I was saying. With the world set against your beard, we have to plan accordingly. Otherwise, the opposing forces will crush us."

"What do you suggest?" asked Minerva, "I mean, me and the others can't exactly fight, so how will you four stand a chance?"

Minerva suggested that Omega-Echidna, Subaru, Garfiel, and Rem were the only real fighting force. She and her witch peers had no physical bodies and were essentially spectators. 

"Minerva is right. What can Daphne and us do?"

"W-We c-could cheer them own, M-maybe that will help?" Carmilla said, hiding her blush behind her scarf while her eyes kept looking between Subaru's beard and Echidna. 

"That won't do much. Not when Subaru and his beard face the sword saint and the others," Sehkmet said, 

"W-Well, m-maybe if we try?" 

"It's still won't work," Echidna brought the discussion back under control. "What we need to do is add allies to our ranks," 

She looked at Subaru, "And you know who I am referring to, don't you?" 

Subaru looked at her, "I do, but how quickly can we send a message to them?" 

Echidna smiled, her blush making no effort to hide itself,  "Just leave that to me," 

Subaru nodded, "Then it's in your hands,"

Rem and Garfiel looked at Subaru with confused expressions, 

"Uh, Cap'n?"

Subaru looked at his friend seated next to Rem,

"Who are you talkin' about?"

"The Pleiades battalion, of course?"

Rem's eyes widened, "They would come this far?" 

Subaru looked at her for a moment, 

"Rem-rin, my dear, they would travel through hell if I asked them to,"

Rem blushed. Once Subaru had said her nickname, she had forgotten what she had even asked,

'Rem-rin, he called me—Rem-rin....'

Rem grabbed her cheeks and stifled a squeal of ecstasy.  

Meanwhile, Satella and Echidna clicked their tongues,

"Well, either way, Subaru, I will write a letter to them."

"Good. Also, send one to Tanza. She would join them, I'm sure of it!"

Echidna bowed, "Understood. I am yours to use as you wish."

Rem and Satella 'tsked'—"Suck up," they both said in unison,

Echidna ignored them, "Now then. Let's head into my war room, and there we will plan for the upcoming engagement,"

"More like nerd room," snorted Daphne, 

Echidna glared at the girl, who laughed with the other witches. 

Echidna stood and waved her hand. A door appeared. It had on it a sign that said, 

"Keep out! Serious witchy bizzness afoot!"

Daphne and the others laughed at Echidna's door sign, and together, they all stepped into her 'witch cave.'

***

The room where the witches, Subaru, Rem, and Garfiel found themselves had been decked out in bean bag chairs, a wide array of snacks, and tables in the middle of the room with several modeled buildings and various terrain.  

Echidna stood before them, 

"Welcome to my secret war room!" 

She said with overwhelming pride and joy,

"Or nerd room," offered Daphne,

"Totally," replied Minerva,

Echidna glared at them, "It's not a nerd room!"

The girls continued their laughter. 

Echidna ignored them again, "Anyway, this is where we will plan for the encroaching battle!" 

She stepped further into the room and stood before one of the tables.

Subaru approached and leaned over to get a better look,

"Are these models of all of us?"

Subaru picks up a miniature of himself. He turns it this way and that while looking at the tiny sculpture. 

The mini Subaru was well-painted. He stood atop a 40mm base with grass patches and model dirt. Instead of his usual tracksuit, Subaru wore a general uniform, but instead of pants, he wore a kilt—revealing his well-sculpted calves. 

He carries a whip in one hand, and his other hand points forward. His mouth was open, and the whole display gave the impression of a commander rallying his troops in battle.

His beard is well-shaded and, despite being plastic—looked as if it was flowing in the wind. 

Echidna smiled with pride as she looked at Subaru, inspecting the mini. 

"I spent a considerable amount of time with that miniature. I am quite proud of it," 

Subaru agreed. It was indeed the centerpiece of her army,

Subaru placed the figure down. Next to it was a miniature Echidna in her typical pose—her arms in the air and her white hair flowing freely. It, too, was a sight to behold.

The models of the others gathered in the room were grey plastic. 

However,  two were missing— Rem and Satella stood staring. 

They continued scanning each piece, but try as they might—none of the grey plastic miniatures was either of them.

Satella looked up, "Uh, Dona?" 

Echidna sighed and rolled her eyes,  "Yeah, what?" 

"What about me?" 

Echidna looked at her, "What about you?" 

Satella pointed at all of the models, "I don't have a mini?! And also, your miniature is too close to my mini beloved!"

"Rem doesn't have one either!"

Satella looked at her, "That I understand,  but seriously? Where's mine?"

While Rem shot daggers at Satella, Echidna shook her head and fished around in her dress pockets,

"Fine," she took out a thimble and a button and placed them on the table, but not near Subaru,

"We can use these as proxy models,"

"Proxy?! That isn't fair! I should be on the board and well-painted, too!"

Rem figured out the word proxy and looked at Echidna, "Rem should as well! You even have a miniature of Garfiel?!"

Garfiel picked up his grey mini, "Heh! Not bad looking either?" 

Despite not being painted, Garfiel approved of his mini, 

Echidna smiled, "I also have a transformed Garfiel!" 

She bent down, and standing up, she held a case. Inside were more miniatures. All were in the process of being painted. She reached in and pulled out a large transformed Garfiel. He stood on a 60mm base. 

Garfiel's eyes lit up. Echidna handed him the model of himself in tiger form, and the boy gushed while looking at it, 

"Holy shit! Cap'n! Look at this! It's so fuckin' badass!"

Subaru smiled, "Yeah! I like how you are roaring! You look ferocious."

While Subaru and Garfiel nerded out— Rem and Satella stood staring in disbelief,

"What the hell, Dona?" Satella spoke, "Why the fuck do you have a transformed Garfiel and not me?"

"Rem wants to know too! This whole mess is a travesty!" 

Echidna looked at them, "It's because of the stratagem that states if I roll 12 or greater, Garfiel gets to transform, duh?" 

Echidna produces a hardbound book, "See? Look!" Inside was a well-drawn picture of Garfiel, complete with stats,

Garfiel squealed, "Gimmie that!" 

He grabbed the book from Echidna and flipped through the pages. Inside were pictures of them all, complete with stats and lore. Garfiel convulsed with youthful excitement. 

Meanwhile, the other witches looked at Echidna,

"Hey Dona? Why aren't we painted?"

Minerva asked, confused as to why Subaru and Echidna were the only painted models.

"At least you could have primed us for painting, right?" Minerva said,

"Painting takes some time, OK?" 

"Really? But you could have asked us to help." 

Daphne had said—who, despite being unable to paint because of being bound to her mobile casket, would have at least held a paintbrush in her mouth to try and paint her mini. 

"There is no way I'm letting any of you touch my models!"

"Y-You c-could have at l-least primed a-and added some d-detail?" questioned Carmillia, whose eyes shifted between Echidna and her mono-pose grey mini,

"Yeah, even though I'm the witch of sloth, at least I'm not that lazy," said Sehkmet,

"Hey 'Chidna, can I play with the toys now?"

"They're not toys, Typhon!" 

"They look like it though?"

"Well, they aren't. Painting and playing tabletop war skirmishes is an adult hobby. It's not for kids."

"More like nerd hobby..."

"If you keep talking, Daphne, I'm changing your model for a miniature shoe!"

Daphne and the others conceded when they saw the conversation was going nowhere. 

"OK then, now that the monkey business is over, let's plan!"

Echidna pulled out a tape measure and a bag of dice. Battle preliminaries had begun.

Chapter Text

Gustav stands facing a window. He contemplates what he will have for breakfast as he watches the Vollachian sunrise. With two of his four arms behind his back, he sips his morning tea with his free hand.

The warm tea leaves traces of itself on his lips. Gustav wipes his mouth with the back of his hand—coarse whiskers scratch the skin, and Gustav decides to shave. 

Just as Gustav finishes his tea, Hain enters the room. The lizard man seems anxious as he rushes toward Gustav, who looks at him with a raised brow. 

Hain doesn't elaborate on what has him so excited and instead hands a letter to Gustav. 

Gustav unfurls the two arms behind his back and takes the letter. He sips his tea, brings the letter close to his face, and starts to read:

"Pleiades battalion! You are to drop what you are doing and stand with me on the precipice of war! Forces of magnitude challenge me and seek to destroy my beard. So I say to you, do not shave—grow your beards and join me as the Pleiades battalion once more! Together, we will prove victorious, and all those who have opposed me will come to understand that the beard will not be shaved and that we will not go quietly into the night! 

So join me, brother, and fight alongside me once again! And together, we will have our beard independence!

-Schwartz, supreme beard being"

Gustav folds the letter and looks at Hain, who hands him the coordinates of Subaru's location. He looks at the letter once more and then at Hain,

"Schwartz-sama calls for aid," 

Hain asks, already the lizard man had opted out of shaving,

Gustav looks at him and nods,

"And the Pleiades battalion will answer,"

***

After unexpectedly quitting the royal selection, Emilia and members of her camp stand outside the royal palace entrance. 

In an odd twist of fate, orders were handed down to Emilia and everyone present to do more than shave Subaru's beard—being told to sever the root and behead the boy. 

This whole situation led to Emilia dropping out entirely. Despite Emilia's promise to the popsicles of Elior forest, she would not be an accessory to murder, leading to her current status—a common half-devil with no place to go. 

Emilia wipes a tear from her eye, "Subaru's such a dunderhead..." she says softly,

It could be easy to be upset with Subaru, but it wouldn't be fair—considering Emilia dropped out of the race of her own volition. 

But that still didn't change the fact that Subaru had a beard! And if Emilia was going to protect him, she knew what she must do.

Emilia looks at the sullen faces of members of her camp, 

"Listen, I don't expect you to follow me anymore, but it still doesn't change the scenario." 

Several of them look at her, 

"Betty already knows what you will say, in fact," 

Otto, who has had no reason to have any dialogue until now, speaks, 

"Are you suggesting we look for Natsuki-san?" 

Emilia looks at him, her beautiful expression serious, and her amethyst eyes burn with resolve, 

"Yeppers," Emilia says, 

Otto clenches his jaw and nods. Being a merchant, Otto always knew when a client had made up their mind. And it was apparent to him that Emilia would not budge on the subject. 

"I will not ask that any of you join me. Now that I am no longer in the running for the throne, I don't expect you to—however! If you have nothing going on, maybe consider hanging out and helping me find Subaru?" 

Ram sighs, "Of course—Emilia-sama. Ram will help you find Barusu." 

Emilia smiled when Ram offered to continue to help her,

"And besides, Barusu has Ram's precious little sister with her. She can't sit by and let something happen to her," 

Emilia nodded, "Yep! And Garfiel is there too," 

"Ram sees no reason to worry about Garf. She is only concerned about Rem's safety," 

Emilia nods and looks at Otto, "So? Are you in or out?" 

Otto thinks for a moment, "Do I have a choice?" 

Emilia crosses her arms, "NOPE!" 

Otto hangs his head in defeat, "I'll go get the dragon carriage...." 

He walks off. Emilia looks at Beatrice, 

"Beako? Any chance you might be able to track down Subaru yet?" 

Beatrice scowls, "Betty would ask that you not use her precious nickname—also, Betty has had difficulty locating Subaru,"

"Beard interference?" 

"Most likely, in fact," 

Ram thinks momentarily, "It's possible Roswaal-sama might know?" 

"I thought he was barred from helping?" 

Ram looks at Emilia, "Roswaal-sama won't help Barusu, but that doesn't mean he would give away his location if he knew where he was," 

Emilia nods along, listening and understanding. Roswaal wouldn't risk his noble status, but if he had an idea of where Subaru was—Roswaal would keep that information to himself.

"Alright, let's head to the stables and go!" 

"Wait, big sis!" Emilia turns around to see Felt, Crusch, Felix, and Wilhelm approaching. 

She looks at them with surprise.

"What are you guys doing here?" 

Emilia looks at them all with confusion. Felt stops in front of her,

"Crusch and I quit too!" 

Emilia deadpans, "What? You did?!"

She couldn't believe it. Emilia had assumed she would be the only one to drop out—but Felt had surprised her.

"Felt is right. I will not go along with such horrendous plans," 

"And Anastasia and Priscilla?" 

"Those two losers are hanging back! Neither would risk dropping out and letting the other win. It's a stalemate in there,"

"And Reinhard?" 

Felt sighs, looking mildly upset, "That moron can't put his duty as a knight aside even though he doesn't like the orders from the sage council. He is still going to follow them," 

With Reinhard against them, Emilia knew she had to find Subaru first. 

"OK! Enough lollygagging! Let's go find Subaru!"

"Right," 

Otto returned with a dragon carriage, and together they set off for Roswaal's mansion. 

As the carriage goes down the road, Emilia sits silently, thinking, 'Subaru—my dunderhead—what exactly are you doing?'

Elsewhere,

"You enter a dark box labyrinth with nothing but a torch. And despite the light, it gives off—you have trouble seeing as you continue further." 

Echidna sits at the head of a table—a dungeon master screen in front of her—she navigates a party of adventurers who seek treasure in the bowels of an eerie labyrinth. The adventurers must transverse with care—lest they call attention to the minotaur that stalks its halls.

"OK, Rem will cast Devil's sight to see!" 

"OK, roll for initiative,"

Rem takes her d20 and rolls it,

"Yes! Rem passed, so now Rem will roll-"

"Fails," 

"What?! Rem doesn't understand! She passed the initiative test!"

Echidna shrugs, "Sorry, I'm dungeon master, and I say you failed,"

Rem pouts and crosses her arms. Satella nearby smiles at her defeat, 

"Well, seeing how Rem sucks, I'll have to step in and-" 

"You fail too," 

Echidna cuts her off, causing Satella to look at her in disbelief, 

"What the hell? I didn't even roll yet!"

Echidna looks at her and smiles, "You forget I'm the witch of greed and already know what you will roll. And believe me when I say that you fall flat on your face like Rem," 

Satella crosses her arms and pouts like Rem, "This game is rigged!" 

Echidna ignores her and looks to Garfiel, "Well, your turn," 

Garfiel nods, picks up his character sheet, and reads it, "Uh, I want to cast x-ray vision, "

"What?" Rem questions, "Garf, it's pitch black? How will you use X-ray vision if no one can see?" 

Rem, still salty about losing her initiative roll, questions him, 

"Well, it says 'ere that if I use it, I can see in dark places, "

"Are you serious?" Satella ask, 

"Yeah, take a look?" 

Garfiel shows Satella the rule. She clicks her tongue, 

"Well, you have to roll +15 even to cast the spell, so you might as well quit now,"

Garfiel looks at Echidna,

"Go on—we are waiting," 

Garfiel nods and picks up his d20, "OK, rolling for initiative," 

"You pass," 

"Hell yeah!" Garfiel rerolls his d20. The die lands on 18, and Garfiel pumps his fist in the air. Meanwhile, Rem and Satella sulk,

"OK, you are using X-ray vision and are looking through a wall to your right—However! The minotaur looks back at you! He senses you from beyond the wall and crashes forth! You are now engaged in battle!"

"Shit!" Garfiel says, 

Minerva sighs, "Way to go, Garf!" 

She looks at Echidna, "I will swing my greatax!" 

"OK, initiative roll,"

Minerva rolls,

"Pass,"

"Good!" 

Minerva attacks, 

"The minotaur blocks your ax swing and follows up with a counterattack. It lands and deals damage, "

"Damnit!" Minerva says, and takes some dice, "Fine,  rolling for damage and armor save,"

She rolls her damage,

"OK, you save and take half-damage,"

Minerva sighs in relief. 

"Hey Dona! Can I have a Mountain Dew?" Daphne calls from the fridge,

"Yes, Daphne!" 

Echidna looks at Subaru, "Alright, Subaru-"

"Hey Dona! I don't see them?" 

Echidna sighs, "Look toward the back!" 

She looks back at Subaru and starts to speak,

"I see them! Thanks!" 

Echidna takes a deep breath, "OK, Subaru-"

"Hey, can someone open it?" 

Echidna puts her face in her hands and takes a deep breath, "Sehkmet—please help Daphne before I murder her," 

Sehkmet yawns and leaves the table to assist Daphne,

Echidna looks at Subaru. He stares at the plastic Minotaur miniature. Subaru strokes his beard, 

"OK, I will use the power of my beard and defeat the minotaur!" 

No one questions the validity of such a spell. Subaru picks up a d20, 

"Pass,"

Echidna suddenly says,

"But I didn't roll yet?" 

Echidna smiles, "It's OK. Because of your beard, you automatically pass initiative rolls,"

"Sweet, Cap'n!" 

"Rem is impressed!" 

"Not as impressed as me!" Satella says and stares down Rem, who stares back,

Subaru ignores his fan club and roles two d6s. Snake eyes, Subaru clicks his tongue in apparent defeat, 

"Your strike lands! The minotaur is defeated!"

Subaru raises an eyebrow, "How?" 

"I applied the necessary modifiers, and your hit lands!"

Subaru crosses his arms and smiles at his victory.

"Hell yeah, Cap'n!"

"Rem has fallen in love with Subaru all over again!"

"Not as much as me!"

Satella and Rem growl at each other again.

"Hey Dona! Can I have some Doritos?"

Echidna takes a deep breath, annoyed by Daphne's insatiable hunger,

"Yes, for the last time! Yes, you can have some Doritos,"

While the group plan for the upcoming battle. Emilia, Beatrice, and the others are on their way to meet them. 

Chapter Text

"Not much further, I assuuure you,"

Roswall replied as he navigated the thick underbrush of his backyard. Behind him, Emilia and the others prepared themselves for their reunion with Subaru.

When Emilia returned from the capital, she marched to Roswaal's office—demanding that he tell her where Subaru was. 

Roswaal was shocked and reminded Emilia that he was incapable of providing any more support—under the penalty of having his noble status stripped. And not just a stripping of his noble status either—but Roswaal would also lose his discount card that gives 20% off to all nobles who visit the various bars, clubs, and restaurants of Lugunica; this was something Roswaal could not afford to lose. 

And so, at the risk of losing what it meant to be a Mathers—Roswaal decided to help. However, if any should ask, Roswaal P. Mathers helped Emilia, not the former. Emilia didn't much care for the prospect of Tom Foolery and did so hesitantly. If she were going to track down Subaru—Emilia would have to set her convictions aside. 

They came into a clearing.

"This is the only other hideout on the Mather's property. If Subaru-kun were to gooo into hiding, then I am confident he would hide hereeee," 

Roswaal gestured to the stone fortress that sat seemingly forgotten by time. Overgrown with vines and decorated with moss—the hideout blended perfectly with a green backdrop that was the Mathers' domain. 

Few knew of such a place, and with most of those few dead and buried, Roswaal was the last remaining few who knew about the structure. The only other person who knew about the building was Echidna—and there were few things she didn't know. 

And with so few knowing, such an inconsequential secret was—for the most part—redundant. The truth was that the stone fortress was up for remodeling but kept falling to the way side for other projects. So, the plans were passed down from Mathers to Mathers as a family heirloom. In the end, Roswaal A. Mathers decided to trash the remodeling plans and turn it into a secret hideout instead. 

Indeed, there was no more useless a secret as this.

Emilia looked at the towering stone fortress. It loomed over her menacingly. A cold wind blew as she looked at the mysterious infrastructure. She wasn't sure if Subaru was inside or not, but something else about the defiant tower made her stomach turn. 

Emilia closed her eyes and steadied her breathing, 'Why am I so nervous?' she thought. She shook away the question and looked at the others. 

"OK, so if what Roswaal says is true, Subaru is inside. Once we make contact, I'll need Ram to help hold Subaru down, and then we'll shave him. As for Rem and Garfiel—Beatrice handles Rem, and Frederica will take Garfiel. Now remember, we are only scolding the three—once this mess is solved, everything will be hunky-dory, and we'll all have ice cream. Now, are there any questions?" 

Emilia spoke like a true leader. Several nodded—it was apparent how much she had grown, and with her serious tone and hands on her hips—Emilia gave off the impression of a kindergarten teacher explaining recess rules to a classroom of children.

"No questions?—Good," Emilia said, and turned to the tower,

With no room left for debate, they sally forth but stop midway when they see Subaru looking at them with his arms crossed. He stood in the doorway of the tower. His predatory eyes trained on each of them, and his beard moved freely in the wind. Despite her planning, Emilia did not prepare for the sight bestowed upon her from the heavens.  

***

Subaru sits across from Minerva. The tension in the room grows thicker with each minute. Several stand around the two—waiting to see how the duel between the two will end. Minerva looks away from Subaru and at her hand in front of her. She smiles, pulls a card, and lays it on the table. 

"I summon the white whale!" she says, tapping the mana needed to bring about such a troubling foe. Several onlookers gasp melodramatically. 

Subaru, now faced against the white whale again for the third time, glances at Rem. She held her hands over her chest—it was evident that Rem wished she could help but had to instead sit on the sidelines and silently cheer for her hero. 

Rem cursed herself for being previously disqualified and losing to Garfiel in the drafting tournament's third round. 

Like Rem, Satella felt the same and could do nothing but hope and pray on the sidelines. Satella lamented losing in the first round against Echidna. But Satella felt vindicated when Echidna lost to Minerva in the second round. Such an upset was surprising, but if anyone was to face her beloved—Satella preferred it be Minerva rather than Echidna or Rem. 

Subaru and Satella made eye contact, causing her cheeks to turn red. He looked back at Minerva, and his beard started to tingle. Subaru sighed, looking at his hand. He was close to winning. All he had to do was play the Planeswalker, Pandora, and reverse Minerva's summon. Subaru would then have Minerva exile 12 cards in her library—rinse, and repeat until she ran out of cards to play, thus winning in a landslide. It was a straightforward strategy—However, "I concede," said in surprise.

Everyone's eyes widened in shock. 

"I-I don't understand!" Echidna said, who had been looking over Subaru's shoulder. She knew he would win, but his sudden withdrawal was surprising. 

"You have a winning hand! Just play-" 

"We have company," 

Echidna's shocked expression turned to one of concern, 

"The knights again, Cap'n?" Garfiel asked, 

Subaru shook his head, "No, Emilia-tan and Beako are outside,"

Everyone heaved, startled by such a turn of events. Subaru looked at Echidna, 

"I know what you are going to say, but I'm tired of running," 

Satella stepped forward, "Subaru, are you sure?" 

Subaru stared at her, "Yes, I have to make my stand. Emilia-tan will see the importance of my beard once and for all," 

Satella shook her head, "No—what I'm saying is, are you sure you want to keep using the honorific 'tan' with that skank? I mean, I'm much hotter, and if you wanted to-," 

"Subaru-kun wouldn't waste his breath. If anything, Rem deserves-"

"Oh please, I, Echidna, am much more deserving of the title of 'tan' than any of you," 

Subaru looked at them with severity, "Ladies, please!" 

The three girls buttoned their lips, 

"We can argue nicknames later, but first, I must meet Emilia-tan and settle this. No more running away. This disagreement between us ends today!" 

Subaru's fan club wishes to protest but respectfully shuts up. Subaru turns to Garfiel,

"You ready?"

Garfiel hits his fist into his palm, "Hell yeah! The princess is going down!" 

Subaru looks at Rem, 

"Rem?" 

Rem hesitates, knowing she will have to face her sister, "Yes, Rem is also ready," 

"OK, Echidna, we are ready,"

Echidna sighs, but just as she is about to end the dream they were all a part of, Satella stops her, 

"Wait, Dona," 

Subaru and everyone look at her, 

"Satella-tella?" Subaru says, causing Satella to stifle a squeal. Rem and Echidna click their tongues in annoyance. Satella composed herself, 

"I wanted to say, be careful and I love you,"

Subaru smiled, 

"I know. You tell me that all the time," 

Satella blushed, and Subaru looked at the annoyed Echidna. Subaru goes to speak, but,

"Rem loves you more!" 

 "Hey! Don't go trying to hog my affection!" 

Satella replied and proceeded to bicker once again with her love rival, 

Subaru sighed, "Echidna if you don't mind,"

"With pleasure" 

She said, tired of listening to Rem and Satella argue over who loves Subaru more. 

Echidna claps her hands, and the dream ends.

*** 

Emilia's face is red. She tries to compose herself but has trouble. Her knees shake, and her breathing quickens, 

"Emilia-tan, we need to talk," 

Subaru says and starts to walk towards her. Emilia backs up, 

"Su-Subaru...?" 

 She tries to speak, but the weight of his gaze and the thickness of his beard are too much for Emilia. 

"Yes, it's I-Natsuki Subaru!" 

He stops and points to the sky. Lighting flashes appropriately in the background. 

Emilia swallows, "Oh no!" she says, "Subaru is hot!"

Try as Emilia might: Subaru's beard proves too much for her.

Chapter Text

Emilia did her best to look stern, but Subaru's beard and burning gaze caused her to panic inwardly, and soon she found her mind blank. 

"Well, Emilia-tan,"

Subaru enunciated tan, leading Emilia to stumble where she stood. Her knees buckled, and she was at risk of falling to the ground. Emilia caught herself and straightened back up.

"I-I, uh..." Emilia coughed, clearing her throat,

"Yeah, look, Subaru!"

Emilia pointed, "You are very handsome-"

She stopped. Emilia gripped her crimson cheeks. Embarrassed, she let her thoughts slip,

"Drat! That's not what I want to say!"

"Then what is it you wanted to say?"

Emilia's compliment did little to falter Subaru. Emilia didn't understand. Subaru had changed in such short a short time. Subaru's manly features exploded exponentially with the death of his baby face and the growth of his beard. Emilia did everything she could to avoid rushing him and running her fingers through his mane.

Emilia stutters,

"I-I-I....Beatrice! Help, please!"

Emilia tagged Beatrice and turned away from Subaru. Emilia crouched down and buried her face into her knees. Steam started to rise from her head, and the reddish glow on the tips of her ears grew hot.

Beatrice sighed—she wasn't affected by Subaru's beard. She looked at the others behind her. 

Roswaal stood staring. He had advocated for Subaru to grow a beard to live vicariously through him. Roswaal could never grow a beard, only managing a prepubescent mustache, and now that he stood before Subaru's epic beard, Roswaal felt the urge to prostrate before him.

Otto had tried to speak, but sweat permeated his brow. Just being in the vicinity of Subaru and his beard was proving too much for him. 

Crusch never stood a chance. As soon as Subaru came into view, she fell to her knees. Felix had rushed to try and heal her, but she waved him away. Her face was beet red, and her forehead was sweltering hot.

"Crusch-sama! You're burning up, we have to get you back-"

"No, that's alright, Ferris, I-I'm fine," 

Crusch looked up at Subaru. He hadn't noticed her—Subaru's eyes stared challengingly at Beatrice—Crusch clenched her jaw, silently thinking to herself, 

"DAAAAMN-Subaru is so fine!"

Felix sighed and looked at Subaru. He knew Subaru's beard had affected her, but even Felix could understand why. Felix couldn't help but admire Subaru and his beard. What reverence Felix held for the late Fourier has been replaced with insurmountable respect for Subaru. Felix now looked up to Subaru, wishing he could be like him.

Wilhelm shed a tear. As an enjoyer of beards, he remembered his late wife, who had been the catalyst for his facial hair. Seeing Subaru's beard brought back memories of his wife's smile and how she used to play with his chin while the two held one another close.

"Subaru, my boy—you truly are my new grandson," he said to himself.

Felt crossed her arms. She grinned when she saw Subaru, believing the beard only made him more of a badass.

"Hell yeah, big bro! That beard suits you very well,"

Ram stood staring at the others. She sighed to herself and turned to look at Beatrice. The two of them locked eyes. Ram knew Emilia was down for the count, and it was evident that everyone else was equally useless. Ram knew she had to step up and assist the great spirit. 

"Don't worry, Beatrice-sama. Ram will back you now that Emilia-sama and the others are out of commission,"

Beatrice nodded and turned back to Subaru—she crossed her arms.

"Betty won't fall victim like Emilia—she is here to end your beard days and bring you home," 

She stepped forward, "Subaru, Betty implores you—shave your beard—Reinhard is under orders to kill you, and from what Betty understands—he means to do just that, in fact!"

Subaru frowned deepened, "That seems out of character for the sword saint?" 

Subaru was right. Reinhard would never have gone along with such a barbaric plan. However, for the sake of the plot—Reinhard had no choice but to stand against him. 

"It is out of character for him, in fact!" 

Beatrice shouted, her tiny fists clenched in determination as she worked hard to get through to Subaru.

Subaru smiled devilishly. Several behind Beatrice swooned, moaned, whistled, and cheered, "Then let him come. We'll journey to hell together,"

Crusch lost consciousness. Subaru's devil-may-care attitude, along with his beard, caused the blood to rush from her head. She could stand it no longer. 

"Crusch-sama!" 

Felix rushed to tend to her. He started to heal her but looked at Subaru, "Reinhard doesn't stand a chance against his beard, nyah..." 

Felix said, blown away by the effect it was having on everyone. 

Ram placed a hand on Beatrice's shoulder. 

"Beatrice-sama, let Ram handle this,"

"Give him hell, in fact," Beatrice said, staring at Subaru. 

Ram stepped within inches of Subaru. Subaru looked at her.

"Nee-sama..." his voice was stern,

Ram smirked and flipped her hair, "Heh, Barusu is very sexy-" 

Ram stopped. Her face turned red. Ram shook her head, composed herself, and coughed into her hand. 

"No, what Ram had meant to say is: Barusu, Ram wants to caress your beard, heh,"

Ram said this while looking smug. She blinked, replaying the words in her head again and again. Ram had intended to call him a reckless, selfish pervert, but every time she attempted the feat, the words came out jumbled. 

She tried again, 

"Wait-Ram is trying to say: Heh, Barusu, Ram can see why Rem finds you irresistible,"

Subaru smirked while he watched Ram work to push a boulder up a hill, only for that spherical-shaped rock to roll over her.

"RAM THINKS YOU'RE HOT, BARUSU!" 

Ram fell to her knees. She was out of breath and punched the ground repeatedly.

"Damn you, Barusu! Your beard is too perfect! Ram can't think straight!"

Subaru chuckled, "Anyone else?"

No one could match his glare. Subaru looked at Beatrice, 

"Beako, give up. You have lost," 

Beatrice growled, "Betty isn't a fool! She knows Subaru's true intention with growing a beard! She isn't like these losers who keep thinking with their crotches, in fact! Betty will not let Subaru succeed!" 

Subaru stared into the distance, "I don't know what you mean. My beard is a representation of who I am. The beard is merely a hobby of mine, nothing more,"

"Betty knows you are lying!"

Subaru didn't say anything. He continued to stare stoically at nothing in particular.

Crusch was still unconscious and couldn't confirm or deny the validity of what Subaru had said.

Beatrice starts to speak but is interrupted. 

"Just give up, dear daughter. You have already lost against Subaru and his beard,"

Beatrice narrows her eyes, "Hello, mother, I suppose. Betty sees you have adopted a new look, in fact,"

Echidna, in the form of Omega, approaches, "Yes, Ryuzu was quite nice to lend me her body, but that is a tale for another time,"

Roswaal had been too busy to realize his teacher was before him. He instead stood in a trance while he looked at Subaru.

Echidna stops next to Subaru, "Beatrice...it's time you stop this rebellion of yours and join Subaru and I," 

"Join you, I suppose?"

Echidna blushes, "Yes, you are our daughter, after all, and families should stick together,"

"Now, wait just one minute, witch!"

Rem, who had been watching from the tower entrance, storms forward, "Remind Rem of what you just said because that bullshit smells worse than your body odor!"

Echidna clicks her tongue, "As I said, Beatrice is my daughter, and Subaru is a father to her so it stands to reason-"

"The heck it does!" 

Emilia stands up and turns. She caught the tail end of what Echidna had said.

 "Subaru and Beako are like siblings, so you can't claim him as your hubby!"

Emilia crosses her arms, "If anything, you are his mom, you weirdo,"

Rem looks at the wounded Echidna, "Emilia-sama is right," 

Echidna looked at them both, "You conniving shanks,"

"I agree!" 

A tiny voice similar to Emilia's shouts from a crystal around Echidna's neck.

Emilia looks around, "Wait—is there a mini-me around here? Subaru! Did you replace me with a little Emilia?!"

Echidna, Rem, and Beatrice look at Emilia in awe. Despite Beatrice being unaware that Satella was the one to agree with Rem and Emilia—Beatrice was aware that a teeny-tiny Emilia was preposterous.

Beatrice rubbed her temples, "Betty is developing a migraine from the idiots that infect her life, in fact,"

"Hey! I am reeeaaally being serious! Subaru, who was that tiny voice who sounded like me after sucking helium from a balloon?"

Emilia is the type of person who derives pleasure from hearing how her voice sounds after inhaling helium. It's an obnoxiously adorable hobby. 

Subaru takes a deep breath, "Emilia-tan, it's time you learned the truth," 

Subaru looked at Echidna, who rolled her eyes, 

"OK, let's all head into the war room to plan...."

Echidna could hardly hide her enthusiasm at the idea. 

"You mean nerd room...."

"Another tiny voice!"

Emilia shouted in surprise after hearing Daphene speak from Echidna's crystal. She was unaware that the witch of gluttony was clowning Echidna. 

Echidna ground her teeth in annoyance and turned to walk back into the tower. She passed by Garfiel along the way, who watched everything transpire. 

Garfiel had believed a fight would erupt, but Subaru once again left his mark. 

"Man, Cap'n is so gnarly!" he said to himself,

Garfiel approached Subaru, "Well, Cap'n, it looks like our numbers are growing, huh?"

Subaru looks at his friend and places a hand on his shoulder, "It would appear so, Garf. But we're not out of the woods yet," 

Subaru breaks away and follows Echinda, "The sword saint cometh,"

Garfiel gulped and followed after him. 

Rem watched them go and looked at her sister, "Nee-sama,"

Ram looked at Rem, "Rem, Ram doesn't know what came over her,"

Rem smiles and hugs her sister, "It's OK, nee-sama. Subaru-kun is handsome. Now that he has a beard, Subaru-kun's allure is too great. Rem understands, but..."

Rem breaks away from her, "Rem can accept Emilia, but her sister better watch herself. Rem already has to deal with another floozy and doesn't want to have to put her sister in her place,"

Ram stutters, "R-Rem! Barusu—Ram doesn't think of them that way!" 

Rem looks at her suspiciously and leans in close, "Nee-sama, you forget that Rem has a strong sense of smell,"

Rem smiles and briskly walks after Subaru. Ram watches her go. Her sister's parting words left her abashed. 

Beatrice looks at Emilia, who continues to ponder what Subaru had meant. 

"Emilia," 

Emilia looks at Beatrice, "What-Oh, sorry, I was thinking of what Subaru could have meant by 'the truth,' did you need something?"

Beatrice takes another deep breath, "Betty swears, this woman, in fact,"

Emilia looks confused, 

"Betty is telling you to hurry and round up the other morons, in fact! It would seem we have no choice but to put aside our collective goal and help Subaru, I suppose!"

"Goal?" Emilia questions, forgetting the reason they had come to confront Subaru.

"UGH!" 

Beatrice throws up her tiny arms in defeat and marches into the tower. 

"Wait! Are you mad?" Emilia shouts and goes to get the others. 

Together, they all enter into Echidna's castle of dreams.

None of them can begin to imagine what waits for them there.

Chapter Text

Heimdall stood watch in front of the rainbow bridge. His eyes trained ahead, never faltering, and constantly vigilant for any who seek to bring ruin to Asgard. It was then a flashing light, and the crack of thunder jostled the watchman and sent his attention to a married couple approaching him. Both held hands, with their fingers interlocked, and waved to the god as they came. Heimdall recognized the couple immediately and bowed, bidding them welcome.

"Odin, father, this is quite the surprise. I did not expect to see you during this age. I trust the land of mortals is treating you well?" 

Heimdall looks at Naoko and bows, "My lady, welcome to Asgard,"

Naoko smiles and looks at her husband. 

Kenichi, known as Odin, the all-father, hardens his expression. 

"Heimdall, pleasantries aside, we have come because of my son, Subaru,"

Heimdall, recognizing the name, raised an eyebrow, "I noticed he is not with you, and here I thought I might meet him?"

Naoko looks forlorn, and Odin sighs, "Subaru has gone missing, and after scouring the mortal realm and even Niflheim, I could not locate him. I have now come to suspect my son is a place I had least suspected,"

Heimdall creases his brow, "I understand," and with a short blow of his horn, the gate leading to Asgard opens, "I am sure Thor will be happy to see you and will do all he can to help,"

"I imagine he will when he learns his stepbrother is missing,"

Odin starts to leave, but Heimdall calls to him, "A moment of your time, all-father,"

Odin and Naoko turn to him, "Your beard? Why did you shave it?"

Odin looks at Naoko, who smiles, "I like his baby face—also, Kenchi used to pester Subaru with it, and I made him shave it off,"

Odin chuckles and rubs the back of his head. Heimdall laughs, "Truly, you are quite the woman to have even Odin, the gallows God, give into your demands,"

Naoko smiles, "Behind every great man is an even greater woman,"

Heimdall nods, "So it would seem,"

"Oh, and one more thing," Odin says, looking toward Heimdall before departing, "Call me Kenichi,"

Heimdall looks confused, "I don't understand?"

"Simplicity's sake,"

Heimdall considers Kenichi's wise words and then bids them adieu. He turns and proceeds to guard Asgard. 

***

Thor sits on Odin's throne, Mjölnir in his right hand and a cup of mead in his left; he laughs loudly with the other gods, recounting stories of epic battles fought.

Suddenly, the laughter and merriment cease as Kenichi and Naoko walk into Odin's great hall.

Thor jumps from his throne, nearly dropping his cup of mead, "Father! Stepmother! Such a surprise you bless us with!" Thor scans where the couple stands, "Where is my stepbrother, Subaru? I have looked forward to meeting him and wrestling around, as good brothers do!"

Naoko, hearing Subaru's name, looks saddened. Thor catches this and looks to Kenichi and questions why his stepmother looks so downtrodden. 

"Thor, Subaru is missing,"

Several gods in the hall gasp melodramatically. Thor places down his mead, "Fill me in, Father. I will do everything I can to find him,"

Kenichi walks toward Thor, "Thank you, my son. Come, we will go to the sacred pool of visions!"

"Yes, indeed," 

The three make the short journey to the other room, where the pool of visions coalesces and weaves together pictures that twirl like a mighty whirlpool. Bringing up images of the nine realms so the gods can keep watch on the lands of mortals, as well as keep tabs on the frost giants in case they mount an attack.

Kenichi waves his hand over the pool, "Reveal to me, Natsuki Subaru!"

The pool shifts and spins counterclockwise. As the water twirls faster and faster, the image of Subaru appears. He stands in the streets of Lugunica, a bag of items in one hand and a smile on his beardless face. Naoko and Kenichi look at one another, relieved they have located their son and confused about how he had wandered into Midgar. 

Thor leans in close, "So this is my brother, a little scrawny, but nothing his dear brother Thor can't fix!"

"Don't go roughing up my baby, Thor," Naoko warns, and Thor laughs.

"Please, don't fret, dear stepmother; all sons of Odin are strong, even the skinnier ones!"

Kenichi smiles proudly, "I trained with him daily, but Subaru, he grew distant, and I fear it's because of me,"

Kenichi looks down, and Naoko places a hand on his shoulder, "You worry too much, dear—once we bring Subaru home, we'll sit down as a family and talk about all this,"

Kenichi places his hand on hers, and the couple smiles warmly at one another. He looks at the pool once more.

"Ok, show us what Subaru has been up to!"

As the three stand in front of the pool of visions, Subaru's journey plays out from start to finish, ending with him preparing for battle. 

Naoko had passed out several times during the viewing, with Kenichi tending to her, and Thor shook with rage, angry that his stepbrother had faced so many hardships but impressed at how strong he remained despite his gruesome deaths. Kenichi kept a solemn look. When the viewing ended, he and Naoko exchanged glances. They both had a few choice words in mind for several in Midgar.

But seeing Subaru with his beard filled them with everlasting pride. Kenichi turned to Thor.

"Will you assist Subaru in this battle? The sword saint might be trouble,"

Thor placed Mjölnir on his shoulder, "This sword saint seems like a worthy opponent. Do not worry, Father, I will not let my brother fall during battle. Will you come as well?"

Kenichi gripped Naoko's hand, "I will make my entrance in due time,"

Thor nods, "Then I should be off to this 'castle of dreams' and rendezvous with brother,"

Thor turns to leave, but Kenichi stops him, "Thor, one last thing?"

Thor turns to look at him, "Yes, Father?"

"Where is Loki?"

Thor thinks momentarily, wondering how long it has been since Loki had told the other gods he would be gone for some time.

Thor shrugs, "I can't say—he said he would visit the land of mortals, and I figured he shacked up with some wench?"

Kenichi nods his head, "Then I can hazard a guess of what he has been up to,"

"Oh?"

"Thor, I feel Loki could be behind Subaru's current predicament. I don't know when he will appear, but we'll be ready for him,"

Thor grins, "If he is, then he will have to answer to me,"

Thor waves farewell, exits Odin's great hall, and makes a mighty leap. His destination is Luguinica.

As Thor soars through the air, he flashes a toothy grin, excited for the upcoming battle. 

Chapter Text

They proceed inside the abandoned tower. No one speaks while they climb to the tallest spire, and soon, they enter a room with a single window looking out to the ground below. 

Subaru faces them. Rem and Garfiel to his right and left, with Echidna prepping the tea behind them. 

He crosses his arms, "Understand that where we are going, there are no enemies. If we are to succeed, you all will need to put aside your differences."

The vagueness of Subaru's statement causes them to look at one another. 

Beatrice steps forward, "Subaru, Betty wants you to know something, I suppose,"

Subaru eyes shift to her, "Yes, Beako?"

She crosses her arms to match his stance, "Betty will still shave your beard, in fact. Betty won't-" 

"Next question!"

"B-Betty wasn't asking a question, I suppose!"

"N-Natuski-san, I have a question?" 

Beatrice glares at Otto, annoyed that no one is taking her seriously. 

"Oh, Otto, I keep forgetting you here,"

"What a terrible thing to say!"

Otto, shocked he keeps being relegated to a background character, blurts out his frustration. 

"What did you want to ask, Otto?"

Otto hesitated, "Uh, Natsuki-san, what do you mean by, "no enemies"? 

Echidna steps forward, "He means that the witches you are about to meet are nothing to worry about,"

Otto's face turns pale, "W-Witches…?"

"Subaru," Emilia says, "Which witch?"

"Well, Emilia, which witch do you think?"

"I don't know, you say witches, but which witch did you mean?"

"Which witch? Perhaps the better question is which witch is the witch and which isn't?"

"I just want to know which witch, Subaru?!"

"The witch, Emilia-tan….."

Emilia says, "Gasp," while the others, confused by the syntax of Subaru and Emilia's conversation, stare, attempting to decipher what Emilia meant by "which witch." 

"Subaru, are you saying that S-Satella…y-you know her….?"

"Natsuki-san…!"

"Barusu, is this true…?"

Subaru looks at Otto and Ram and nods his head. Their mouths hang open.

"Big bro, how do you know the witch?"

"I am curious myself, Subaru,"

Subaru looks at Crusch and Felt. He nods, but neither understands what his nodding is implying. 

Wilhelm stepped forward, "I believe I can answer what Subaru-dono is trying to say,"

Both girls turn to look at him, astounded that the old butler understood what Subaru had meant.

Wilhelm clears his throat, "If we are going to stand together, then the witches of sin we are about to meet bear us no ill will and support Subaru-dono and his beard. Also, what predispositions we possess toward the witches is merely happenstance, and they are not our true enemies,"

Crusch and Felt's mouths hang open—stunned Wilhelm gathered all that from a single nod. Subaru chuckles, "Indeed, Wilhelm-san is correct. The witches are as harmless as a mosquito bite,"

Echidna approaches, "Alright, I need you all to drink this," she hands a cup to Roswaal, who, for the first time, realizes it's his teacher. 

"Teacher!?" 

Echidna looks at him, "Oh, hey you. It's good to see you," 

She ignores him and continues to pass out cups of tea. Roswaal beams and looks at the cup in his hand. He looks at Ram, "Deeeaar, Ram. If yoooou don't want that cup of tea, I'll gladly drink it,"

Echidna turns to him, "Now, now, uh, Roswald-"

"It's Roswaal-sama!" Ram interrupts, but Roswaal stops her. 

"It's ok, Ram, what the teacher calls me is fine with me,"

Echidna smiles, "Yes, Roswell is right, and you all need to drink your tea,"

Roswaal doesn't hesitate and drinks it in one gulp. Ram sighs and drinks the tea. 

Everyone looks surprised, "Whoa, this shit ain't half bad!" 

Felt shouts in amazement, along with Crusch, who concurs. 

Rem and Garfiel start snickering to themselves. 

Emilia looks at them, "What's so funny, you two?"

Beatrice facepalms. Not being given a cup of tea, she was fully aware of its contents. She looks at Emilia. 

"Mother makes that tea with her body fluids, in fact,"

Everyone drops the cups of tea and starts to hack and cough.

"Ew! What the fuck!" shouts Felt, who furiously cleans her tongue while Felix licks the ground, Crusch attempts to vomit, and Wilhelm turns to hide his face of disgust. 

Ram tries pulling the trigger to expel the foul tea while Roswaal licks his cup clean. 

Echidna laughs to herself, snaps her fingers, and transports them all to the castle of dreams. 

Those kneeling stand and, along with everyone else, look around, astounded by the change in scenery. Emilia puts her hands on her hips, "Not much has changed, Echidna,"

Echidna rolls her eyes, walks to the table, and joins the other witches who inspect the new arrivals with interest. 

Crusch and Felt turn the witches. They scan each of their faces, but when they land on Satella, they recoil in fear and horror when they recognize her. 

"S-She looks like. B-Big Sis?!" shouts Felt, prompting Emilia to look in her direction.

Emilia and Satella lock eyes. Satella clicks her tongue while Emilia's expression turns pale. A hand lands on her shoulder, and she turns to see Subaru looking at her. Emilia blushes when he smiles at her. 

"Are you ready, Emilia-tan," 

Emilia gulps, "Y-Yes, uh, S-Subaru, c-can I ask you something?" 

"Hmm?"

Emilia twiddles her thumbs, "C-Can I h-hold your hand,"

Satella grips the table, "That skank!"

Minerva turns red with embarrassment, "H-How lewd, Emilia!"

Echidna offers a big eye roll. She was annoyed by Emilia and her naivety.

Subaru smiles again, and Emilia internally squeals, "Sure, Emilia-tan,"

"S-Subaru-kun, R-Rem, is scared of the ugly witches too. C-can she hold your hand, also?"

"Of course, R-Rem-rin,"

Satella jumps up, "I see you, blue tramp! Don't think I don't know what you are trying to pull!"

"Subaru-kun, the stinky witch is being mean to Rem again!"

Subaru looks at Satella, "Now, Satella-tella, what did I say about playing nice?"

Satella grinds her teeth and sits down. Emilia looks at Subaru, wondering when he gave the witch of Envy a nickname. 

The three approach the table, along with the others, and take their seats. 

Subaru looks at Echidna, "Ok, I think it's time we got started," but just as Subaru begins laying out his plans, a mountain of a man lands within the castle of dreams. He looks at everyone, who looks back at him with confusion and trepidation. 

Several witches gasp, along with Echidna, who looks at the mammoth man with fear. Subaru stands and walks around the table to face him.

The man looks down at Subaru. Garfiel, Rem, Beatrice, and Emilia have already come to his side. 

"Who are you, friend ?"

His red hair is blazing in the sun and dancing in the wind. He smiles, "So we finally meet, little brother,"

"What!?"

"Excuse me, in fact!?"

"Cap'!?"

"Subaru-kun!?"

"Barusu!?"

"Natsuki-san!?"

"Big bro's gotta Big bro!?"

"Nyah!?"

Subaru glances behind him and briefly looks at everyone's flabbergasted expressions. Echidna hesitantly gets up from her seat, along with the other witches, who come around and stand in front of the table. They bow. 

"T-Thank you, Thor, God of Thunder, for g-gracing us with your presence,"

"Thor!?" Subaru shouts for the first time since he grew his beard, "The guy from the Avengers!?"

He looks back at the giant, who laughs, "W-Wait….you s-said,"

"So this is where you have been, Subaru?"

Subaru, along with Everyone else, turns to see a couple standing close by. 

Thor turns, "Ah, Father, Step-mother, so good of you to come,"

Subaru clenches his fist. His eyes grow moist as he stares at Natsuki Kenchi and Natsuki Naoko. Emilia, Rem, and Beatrice have their hands over their mouths. 

"They look like Subaru!?"

Emilia exclaims and stares at the two newcomers with wonderment.

Kenichi walks toward Subaru, along with his mother. Subaru starts to move closer, and just as he goes to hug them, his dad grabs him, spins him around, and powerbombs him to the ground. 

"Cap'n!" Garfiel shouts but stops his advance when he sees Subaru get back up and goes to put his dad in a headlock.

"You think you can get the jump on me, old man!?"

While the others watch the preposterous wrestling match unfold, Thor and Naoko laugh at the two. 

"Hah! Brother! Father! Allow me to join you two!"

"Wait, aren't you a god!?" 

"Thor, no!"

Thor jumps on the two and proceeds to wrestle them both. The match was one-sided.

Emilia and Rem approach Naoko, "Uh, hello, m-my name is-"

"I know who you are, Emilia, and you too—Rem,"

Naoko glares at the two girls, who shrink under Subaru's mother's gaze. 

"Now then, I think we three need to have a little talk about my baby Subaru, okay?"

Emilia and Rem gulped and stepped back slightly. They didn't understand why but suspected Subaru's mom had beef with them. 

Chapter Text

Naoko stood before Rem and Emilia, her arms crossed and a scowl only an upset mother could muster. Both girls felt an immense amount of weight radiating from her heated gaze. Emilia and Rem first noted the similarity between Naoko and Subaru's eyes. However, where Subaru's eyes both girls found comforting, his mother's eyes sent shivers down each of their spines. Neither Rem nor Emilia could understand why the matriarch of the Natsuki household viewed them both with contempt.

"Well, it's finally nice to meet you both," Naoko said, her voice laced with sarcasm. 

Emilia sighed, "I was worried for a second," she said. Rem looked at the girl with a muddled expression. "I thought you hated us-"

"I was being sarcastic—don't think I don't know what you have been doing to my son!"

Rem and Emilia simultaneously said: "eep! " and shrank slightly. Nearby, several others, including Subaru, heard the growing exchange. 

"Um, Subaru-kun's mom, Rem, isn't sure what you mean…?"

"Really? Let me ask you this: Is it natural for someone ki-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!"  Sensing where the conversation was going, Subaru broke out of his father's headlock and made a bee-line to cut off his mother before revealing anything that would derail the plot. 

"Subaru…?" his mother said, feeling her son's arm around her shoulder and moving her away from Emilia and Rem to chat privately with her. 

Whispering in his mother's ear, Subaru quickly explained that Rem had no recollection of what had transpired between them in a past life. 

"But Subaru, she ki-"

"Mom! It's ok!"

She faced him, "No, it's not! You can't expect a mother to be right with seeing her baby hurt! Consider how I felt?"

"I am, but mom—I don't hate Rem, and why do you look upset with Emilia-tan too?"

Subaru's mom looked over his shoulder at Emilia and Rem. She narrowed her eyes. 

"Because she put you into this situation."

"Wait—what..??" Subaru questioned.

His mother looked back at him, "She took you from me and gave you that horrible ability."

Subaru blinked, and then it dawned on him, "Ooooh, uh—you are confusing Emilia-tan with Satella." 

Naoko stared at Subaru momentarily and turned quickly to face Satella, who sat twiddling her thumbs and whistling.

"You!" 

"Mom, stop! We can hash this out afterward!"

Subaru raised his voice, causing the dream world to shake slightly. Anyone, actively not listening, looked at Subaru and his mom. She faced him and grabbed his ear.

"Ow, ow, ow, ow-" Subaru said, his arms flailing around. Rem, Emilia, and Satella gasped. Ram meanwhile stifled a laugh. 

"You will not raise your voice at your mother!"

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Subaru pleaded.

It had been a side those present had not seen. In the past, Subaru has displayed boisterous behavior many of his friends noted as inexplicable or odd. Subaru was always an odd duck, a man with good timing and a person who could think on his feet. But, seeing his mother, someone without a beard, hoisting up her shoe and tugging on his ear was stranger than the great rabbit popping and locking while munching on your testicles. 

Kenichi and Thor approached to attempt to break up the two. 

"Uh, honey, perhaps we are being a bit hasty and listen to what Subaru has to say?" 

"I agree, honored stepmother."

Naoko shot a look that could rival Medusa's stink eye. Both men buttoned their lips and stood erect, deciding not to get involved. Naoko looked at Subaru and took a deep breath. 

"Alright," she looked at Rem and then turned to Satella, and, for good measure, Naoko turned to everyone gathered amongst them. "But don't think that any of you are off the hook. We will have words." she turned to Rem and Emilia, "Especially the women in my son's life. A relationship with him means a relationship with his mother."

"What about me?" Satella chimed in, "I want a relationship too!"

Emilia looked at the witch of envy, remembering her, "Uh, I still don't understand why you are involved with my knight."

Shifting her focus from Naoko and looking at Emilia, Rem said, "Ignore that skank, Emilia-sama. She is a smelly stalker."

"Bitch, you keep trying me-"

"Enough!" Subaru said, straightening his shirt and returning to his beard persona. "I'll explain all of that later," he looks at his mom, "If that's alright, mother."

His mother nodded her head. Others might have questioned such a meek display from the boy, but seeing a mother's scorn, no one butted in to avoid any potential wrath. 

Beatrice, who had watched silently from the sidelines, spoke up, "Now listen, Betty's contractors' mother, in fact!" 

Subaru immediately looked at his contracted spirit and then his mother. But his mother looked at the girl and smiled.

"Subaru's mother needs to understand that Betty shouldn't be compared to these floozies, in fact! Other than Suabru's questionable facial hair—Betty has always been supportive, in fact!"

Rem and Satella started to protest being called floozies and how they, too, have been supportive, but Subaru's mother shot a look that told the two girls to watch their step, causing them to digress. Naoko turned her attention back to Beatrice, but as she lectured her contractor's mom, Naoko couldn't help derail the conversation. 

"You are so sweet! Would you like a piece of candy?"

Naoko reached into her apron's pocket, pulled out something sweet, and offered it to Beatrice. 

"Betty isn't a child, in fact!"

"Aw~, are you saying you don't want it?" she mused.

"No, Betty does want that piece of candy, in fact!" Beatrice snatched the candy from Naoko and placed it in her mouth.

"Now, as Betty was saying-"

"Beatrice, we should get back to the matter at hand. My mom can dote on you later." Subaru suggested.

"Subaru could learn a thing or two from his mother, I suppose."

"What!? I dote on you all the time!"

"Betty could always use more attention, in fact."

Echidna coughed loudly to get their attention. Beatrice looked at her mother. 

"What about your mother? Do you have candy for Betty as well, I wonder?"

She smiled, "Beatrice, we'll bake a cake together, just like old times, but first, we must prepare for the battle."

Echidna looked at Subaru, who nodded, "Alright, let's take our seats and get this meeting underway."

Everyone takes their seats, with Beatrice sitting on Subaru's lap, who tries to pester the girl with his beard. She turns and glares at him, and the boy stops and smiles. 

"Don't think that Betty isn't aware of what your true attentions are, in fact!"

"I don't know what you mean?"

Beatrice narrows her eyes and turns back around with a harrumph.

Echidna clears her throat."Now, let's get down to the matter at hand-" Echidna said but stopped. She peered outward, "Well, it would appear that our battle plans have been cut short. We have company."

"I sense the combatants as well."

"So does my beard."

Thor chuckled and rose to his feet. "Finally, a worthy foe approaches."

Garfiel, in awe of Thor, the god of thunder, shook with youthful excitement.  

"You're going to face the sword saint!?" he shouted, getting to his feet.

Felt hearing this shot up, "You're going to fight Rein!?" 

Thor smiled at the two youths, "Yes, little mortals, and it will be an epic battle!"

Felt, sensing that the god of thunder was powerful, wondered how he stacked up against Reinhard, and even though he believed he was an idiot, she did worry about him.

Garfiel, however, gushed at the idea and turned to Subaru, "Cap'n! Can I go!?"

"Of course, Garf, we will all go and face the oncoming assault." 

"Hell yeah!" Garfiel cheered. 

"Subaru-dono," Crusch said, "We shouldn't underestimate the sword saint or Lugunica's knights. It's not too late to retreat and continue planning."

Subaru looked at her, "I'm tired of running. It's time we settle this."

Crusch blushed and played with her heart, "O-Oh, of course, Su-Subaru...-kun."

Rem, Satella, and Emilia's eyes widened, and they looked at Crusch, who hadn't stopped blushing since seeing Subaru. The three girls offered challenging looks to the duchess. Crusch didn't bat an eye or buckle under the suspicious looks.

Subaru shifted his focus to Echidna, who, with a nod, opened a portal to send them back. 

What awaited them on the other side was the climax to the situation surrounding Subaru's beard. 

Chapter Text

Approaching in battle formation, Reinhard leads Lugunica’s finest toward the tower where Subaru has been holding up. As much as the sword saint wished to avoid conflict with his friend, his duty to his country conveniently prevented him from questioning the situation entirely. If not for this, he might have refused to face Subaru and his beard and lend his strength to the man the council deemed ‘a serious pain in the ass.’ 

But, like all good (and bad) stories, Reinhard refused to listen to reason and instead rode off to meet Subaru and his beard in battle. 

Reinhard took a deep breath when the tower’s spire came into view. The end was nigh, and with his sheathed dragon sword in hand, the sword saint mentally prepared himself to shave Subaru’s beard from the neck up. 

Julius, one of Subaru’s closeted groupies, attempted to dissuade his friend, but his pleas fell on deaf ears. 

Felix, too, purred and mewed, but his ‘nyahs’ too went through one ear and out the other. 

They both cursed Reinhard’s divine protection of being able to ignore people when necessary. 

While the two knights tried to convince Reinhard to pursue the matter differently, Al fought with bubblegum that inadvertently became stuck in the grill of his helmet, preventing him from speaking for the rest of the story. 

Reinhard held up his fist, “Halt.” He eyed the tower suspiciously. 

Julius and Felix exchanged looks. Al fought with bubblegum, which was now tangling his only appendage with his helmet. 

Silence took over, save for the few murmurings and occasional cough. 

Suddenly, Reinhard turned and shouted, “Everyone! Get down!” 

He turned, but Thor, the god of thunder, shot down on him with a thunderous cacophony of destruction before he could react. A crater formed under Reinhard as Mjölnir fell onto Reid's sheathed dragon sword. 

“Well met, Reinhard, the Sword Saint! I am Thor, the god of thunder, and have preyed for this day!” 

Reinhard broke free of Mjölnir’s fangs and jumped back, steadying himself before the awe-inspiring god! 

Reinhard stared quizzically at Thor and turned to Felix and Julius, whose mouths dug trenches into the ground. Al still fought with bubblegum but was overheard saying: Holy shit!

Elsewhere, and with full view of the incomprehensible battle in front of them, several of Subaru’s companion’s jaws worked to make sense of the spectacle before them.

“OH FUCK, OH FUCK-” Garfiel repeated, bouncing up and down like a kid who just received a copy of Prey 2 for the fifth night of Hannukah. 

He turned and pointed at Subaru, screaming in Ram’s ear in the process. 

“Didja see that, Cap’n!” His eyes were a light show of wonderment. 

Subaru twirled his mustache, “I certainly did, Garf. To think my long-lost half-brother could go toe-to-toe with Reinhard, the impregnable.” 

“I can’t believe it…” Felt said, who always believed Reinhard was stronger than Goku, watched her friend facing the towering giant. 

Others might have commented, too, but whatever, I’m not typing out reactions. 

Kenichi snorted, “Show-off. Thor was always like that!” 

Subaru elbowed his dad, “Someone sounds jealous.”

“I’m not jealous one bit!” Kenichi said, sounding jealous.

“Your father always used to boast how he was stronger than Thor, but I’m pretty sure he is jealous. You remember how he acted when the Avengers came out?” Naoko said with a giggle.

“He did seem annoyed when we saw it together…” Subaru recalled how his dad spoke loudly and remarked that Thor was fat and looked nothing like Chris Hemsworth, but Subaru paid him no mind at the time while Naoko teased him about the cute actor playing Thor. 

Emilia leaned close to Subaru, “Um, so did you know your brother was this strong?” 

Subaru turned to the curious girl; she blushed when she looked at him. “No, I always thought I was an only child, Emilia-tan.” 

“Huh,” Emilia said, resisting the temptation to ruffle her handsome knight’s luxurious mane. 

Satella fought for Subaru’s attention like a crazed shopper on black Friday. 

“I-I always knew, and Subaru-kun—” Rem interjected before she could finish. 

“Uh, witch bitch, ‘Subaru-kun’ is Rem’s trademark phrase, and unless you want to throw hands, Rem suggests you come up with your own nickname for Subaru-kun!” 

Satella held up a finger and twirled her neck, “Bitch, if you want to bring it, then I suggest you get a posse together, cuz, like I'll waste your ass like I did to half of this world!” 

Rem bucked, “Bitch—! Rem has already brought it, you half-baked, half-elf!” 

“Bitch I know you didn’t go there.” 

“Bitch Rem went there, bought a t-shirt, and wrote a postcard!” 

“Bitch, I’ll…” 

Subaru turned to the two arguing girls, “Enough, you two!” 

Beatrice massaged her temples, "Betty is surrounded by love-struck morons, in fact!" She looked at Subaru, inwardly plotting to get rid of his beard, the cause of all this.

Both girls quickly shut their traps and bowed, “S-Sorry, Subaru-kun…” They said in unison. 

Others watching the two arguing with one another could only watch with amazement. 

“Rem…” Ram said, shocked her sister was willing to go head-on against Satella for someone she loves. She looked at Roswaal, “Ram wonders if Roswaal-sama would go that far for Ram...” 

When she looked at Roswaal, she found the clown on all fours and acting as a chair for Echidna, who sipped her tea watching the battle unfold. 

Ram nearly threw up her mouth and decided she no longer loved Roswaal. 

While this tom foolery transpired, Reinhard and Thor finally ceased to circle one another. 

Reinhard gripped the dragon sword, his knuckles turning white with a desire to take on the deity before him. Never in his life has Reinhard faced an opponent such as Thor. He licked his lips, “If it’s a fight you want, then I will oblige you.” 

Suddenly, he felt the sword give, and he easily drew the blade. It was no surprise that Thor was a worthy opponent, but even when his reflection caught the side of the blade for the first time, his clear blue eyes stared back at him with amazement. Beautiful was the word described by several who gazed upon the naked blade that myth surrounded. 

He looked back at Thor, who grinned fiendishly. 

“Let’s begin this soiree,” Reinhard said, vanishing in thin air as he rushed the hulking man swinging his hammer. 

With a clash of thunder that split the sky, Reinhard and Thor finally met one another in Immortal Kombat! 

Off in the distance, a lone girl in a poncho smiles at the unfolding battle. Her forehead caught the light from the pale moon above as her lifeless blue eyes gazed upon the two gods of war facing each other. 

“Soon, very soon…” Pandora said clichély and sauntered off to meet everyone. Her poncho flutters in the wind.