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Whoever let Otacon drive at any point (that ‘whoever’ always being Snake) should refrain from ever going out into the world again, purely because if people found out it was you, you were Public Enemy #1. Not because Otacon was a terrible driver, in fact he was quite good at driving, but because the man got sidetracked like it was a fucking sport. You have to go to shopping for life essentials? Fuck you and your essentials, we’re going to fucking France.
Otacon Incident #304 (each time it happened it would be referred to as an ‘Otacon Incident’ in retrospect) involved needing to get a birthday present for one of Sunny’s online friends (fuck parental controls, seeing someone’s head get chopped off when you’re 7 is character development) and ending up in a McDonald’s Drive Thru.
“Otacon, I will slice you up into fucking burgers if you ever do this again,” Raiden admitted, forgetting there was an eight year old child in the car.
“Raiden! What did me and Snake say about swearing around Sunny?!”
“I certainly didn’t fucking say anything,” Snake murmured, casually cleaning a fucking SOCOM (what the fuck is wrong with this fucking guy).
Raiden had forgotten that Otacon was now a certified dad, which also meant he’d ask the poor McDonald’s worker about everything on the menu, which led to his next outburst, “Fuck you, I say it’s character building! And please don’t do that shit again, Otacon!”
“Hello, what would you like today?” Oh God. From the sound of her, the poor McDonald’s cashier was a sixteen year old trying to earn some money.
Otacon had rolled his window down, and was now leaning his head out the window, thinking the server wouldn’t be able to hear him otherwise. “JUST GIVE US A MINUTE PLEASE!” He screamed, drawing some looks from the car behind.
He stuck his head back in the car, “What do we want then?”
“Can I have a Happy Meal, Uncle Hal?” Sunny asked, polite as usual.
“I’ll have a fucking Otacon-burger for dragging us through this again, you fucking bastard—”
“What do you fucking want, Raiden?”
“Filet-o-Fish, please.”
“You’re fucking disgusting,” someone said from outside the car. Each one of them turned their head to see,
“Ocelot?!” Snake shouted, unnecessarily loud.
“I should’ve killed you, Raiden, man, a Filet-o-Fish?! I thought you couldn’t eat or some shit, Inspector Gadget looking ass.”
Raiden’s cyborg jaw dropped, “Say that again and I’ll fucking rip that greasy ponytail off your head!”
Instead, Snake interrupted the two of them having it out, “Where the fuck did you come from, Ocelot?! A Hind-D?!”
“…why is he talking like that…” Sunny whispered, going unnoticed.
Ocelot laughed, “No, your dad dropped me off, look!” He pointed at the car behind, which had the number plate ‘CUNT’ on it. Iconic.
“Tell him it’s a nice number plate?!” Snake said, “But not as nice as mine?!” He gestured for Ocelot to look at the car’s number plate, which was appropriately deigned ‘T4T’.
Ocelot looked like he had inherited a Vietnam War Vet’s PTSD in a millisecond. War flashbacks on European Extreme, apparently.
“Let me get your dad!”
“He can probably see it?!”
Otacon sighed and finally returned to the McDonald’s order, “HI, CAN I HAVE A HAPPY MEAL, A FILET-O-FISH—”
“A FILET-O-FISH?! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?” The server shouted through the McDonald’s Drive Thru thing (what the fuck is that thing called).
“Thanks a fucking lot, Raiden!” Otacon said, forgetting his previous admonishments of Raiden for swearing in front of an eight year old. “What do you want, Dave?”
“Happy meal, please.” Snake said, putting his SOCOM into the glove box and pulling out a fucking FAMAS. Autism kills, Jesus Christ.
“CAN I HAVE ANO-”
“A FUCKING FILET-O-FISH? GET OUT OF MY FUCKING MCDONALD’S!” the voice on the intercom (? - help) had changed to a man’s.
“THEY BROUGHT BACK AI COLONEL, KILL ME NOW!” Raiden screamed, causing Sunny to get out of the car and run down to the Drive Thru, before getting in another car.
“SUNNY, NO!” Otacon shouted, getting out of the car and also running down the Drive Thru.
“Snake, he’s in my head! HE’S IN MY FUCKING HEAD!” Raiden continued, having some sort of meltdown in the back of the car.
“Do you want the Grimace Shake?” Snake asked, looking at the electronic menu.
Raiden calmed down and responded, “Don’t people die from that shit? Like I heard it was like the new heroin?”
Snake turned his head around and stared at Raiden, as if he’d said something ridiculous (which he had). “That’s what I heard too!”
“Grimace… sh-shake…?” A purple cyborg ninja said from outside of Snake’s rolled down window.
“Frank?!”
Gray Fox, or Frank Jaeger, was covered in a purple liquid that covered his entire body(?) /exoskeleton. “…gr-grimace…”
“Jesus fucking Christ, Frank, I thought Master Miller told us to stay away from drugs in FOXHOUND?!”
Frank immediately snapped out of whatever he was in, “Are you fucking with me?”
“SUNNYYYYYYYY!” Otacon screamed from the other end of the Drive Thru, chasing after an Aston Martin alongside a blonde-haired woman.
The Aston Martin’s number plate read ‘PATRIOTS’, until the car got T-Boned by oncoming traffic.
“SHIT, MAN!” An old man crawled out of driver’s seat, before getting up like nothing happened (damn) and opening the boot of the Aston Martin and wheeling out another old man, with a large number 0 in his lap, in a wheelchair.
“Fuck that guy, man,” Big Boss, who had materialised out of his car, was watching the scene.
Otacon was having one of his bouts of his life going to shit (fuck you God), and was lying on the grass outside the Drive Thru bawling his eyes out.
The woman, who Snake and Raiden presumed was Olga, seemed to be angrily calling someone on her 2009 brick phone (that is now a registered lethal weapon), and from what the four of them could hear, she was complaining about being kept in the dark.
“Daddy issues does that, damn.”
“Shut up, Raiden,” Ocelot and Snake snapped at the same time.
“You have daddy issues, Ocelot?!” Raiden squealed (what the fuck), sounding like Sunny.
Ocelot pretended to take a cap off like he was a starving Victorian child with a peaked cap on (what the fuck are these people on), and wiped an invisible tear from his eye, “My dad was called The Sorrow, and my mother, the legendary super soldier—”
“BIG BOSS IS YOUR MUM?!”
“I wish…”
“What the fuck is wrong with you.”
From the other lane of the Drive Thru, a blonde haired man was screaming at the server-listening-box-thing about burgers.
“I MEAN WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?! LISTENING TO THE WHO AND THE FDA ABOUT PUTTING CHEMICALS IN YOUR BURGERS?! THE LAST TIME I CHECKED YOUR CHICKEN NUGGETS WERE MAINLY FUCKING AIR AND OIL, FROM THE 45% OF CHICKEN IN THEM?! I HAVE A METAL ARM, YOU FUCKING BITCH, AND I WILL FUCKING USE IT!”
“Miller?!” Snake asked to no one, turning his attention back to the car crash that was Metal Gear Surv—
Someone was now crawling out of one of the cars that had crashed into the Patriots car:
“RAVEN?!” Snake screamed, causing Raiden to take the FAMAS he was still holding and snap it in half with his Cunt-Boots(TM).
Vulcan Raven had got out of the car he somehow fit in, followed by Mantis, Wolf—
“LIQUID!?”
“BROTHER!”
“Shut the fuck up. Shit twins.” Ocelot shrieked, pointing the-greatest-handgun-ever-made at them.
They both shut up, but Liquid did take his crop top off. Slut.
Then another person got out of the car.
“Who the fuck is that?!”
“MY NAME IS DECOY FUCKING OCTOPUS AND I HATE YOU ALL!” The unknown man screamed, breaking down into tears.
Mantis took off his gas mask, and pressed it to his chest: “No amount of therapy is fixing that.”
Back looking at Miller’s car, two people were now getting out of it, one of them a woman who for some reason was wearing a bikini and fishnets. Liquid would have to up his sexualisation game. The other person who got out of the car had a horn coming out of his head, and he was holding a cardboard box full of McDonald’s Apple Pies. Don’t even ask.
“Venom?!” Big Boss shouted, smiling.
Venom smiled back, and began to walk over before shooting Big Boss dead, using his Rocket Fist.
“What a fucking madlad,” Liquid murmured in British. Nobody really knew what he was talking about.
Ocelot wailed, and fell to his knees over BB’s corpse.
Venom turned back around to Miller, who was still screaming at the poor McDonald’s server. “THIS ESTABLISHMENT HAS NEVER IN ALL ITS YEARS BEEN ABLE TO MAKE A GOOD FUCKING BURGER! TALK ABOUT FALSE ADVERTISING, WHY AM I LOOKING AT ADS OF A FUCKING BURGER A FOOT LONG, BUT WHEN I ORDER IT, IT’S THE SAME FUCKING SIZE AS THE EMMERICH KID! KILL YOURSELF!”
“Kaz, that’s out of order.” Venom said, in the middle of eating an Apple Pie.
In fact, it was so out of order, the manager had come out with three employees behind him.
“Who the fuck are you?” Miller asked, getting out of his car.
“My name is Walter H— Colonel Roy Campbell. I own this McDonald’s and you have been terrorising my staff! Poor Mei Ling nearly killed herself by slipping into the fryer when she heard what you were saying! And Meryl nearly killed someone else who was trying to order a Filet-o-Fish! Poor Raikov has managed to stay out of it!”
Nobody knew who the fuck Raikov was, but he looked a lot like Raiden, just not cyborg-ified.
“Long lost brother, anybody?”
“Nobody fucking laughed,” Snake deadpanned at Campbell, who coughed violently in old man.
“IVAN! THEY WILL PAY FOR WHAT THEY DID TO YOU!”
The people from the other car had walked over to the main scene of the crime (Big Boss finally fucking dying, he’s worse than Liquid in MGS1). One of them looked like he’d been in the McDonald’s fryer; another one of them an older looking blonde haired blue eyed woman (BOOOOOOOOOOOO) with a scar to prove she was once a mother; the other, younger woman also with BLUE EYES AND BLONDE HAIR, WHAT THE FUCK, and then there was just this black haired Japanese guy with glasses. He wasn’t saying anything.
“This scar is—”
“Snake? Is th—”
“HOW COULD YOU TURN TO MCDONALD’S, IVAN, FUCKING MCDONALD’S—”
“I’m killing myself tonight,” Frank randomly said, no longer grimaced and holding hands with Olga and running around in a circle around a still crying Otacon, despite the fact Sunny was standing right in front of him, staring at her mum.
“How about we just go home?” Raiden suggested, taking in the shit that had just happened around him.
“Good thinking, kid!?” Snake returned, walking off into the sunset (it is twelve in the afternoon, fuck this shit), never to be seen again until Kojima receives more death threats.
“MGS6?”
“No.” Kojima finally said, in a voice that seemed to reverberate off the planet.
“What the fuck is up with your voice?” Quiet, the woman in the bikini said.
“I could say the same for you, my dearest piece of fan service. I’m God.”
“Oh.”
Gradually, everyone began to leave the literal crime scene that was a McDonald’s and the road next to it, apart from Big Boss’ corpse and Ocelot, who was still crying over it. Apart from the fact, Big Boss had woken up from the tranq-rocket fist Venom had hit him with, and had gotten into his car and driven away.
When the police arrived at the scene, they were apparently ‘told by God that this is normal’. They believed him, obviously.