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When Mafuyu was young, before she truly lost all sense of self, she had received a synthesiser one day. It was a gift from her father, she didn’t know why but she never did anymore. By that point, the marvel of gifts had turned sour and she just let her parents do whatever they wanted. If they wanted to gift her a fancy calligraphy brush, then they would and she wouldn’t complain against it but accept it with a smile on her face.
She didn’t remember why she received it exactly, but her mother’s pursed lips showed her disapproval for the gift. But her father was happy with it. Though it felt like a curse to have it in her hands if it meant appeasing one parent and disappointing the other, especially her mother.
She accepted it with a laugh before mumbling something about her studies, her father understood but said it was just a gift because of how often she hummed a song or tapped rhythmically on the table. This then made her mother intrigued, her lips no longer pressed together into a thin line and an awkward laugh bubbled out of her. She clapped her husband on the shoulder and asked what he was talking about but by then Mafuyu was merely a spectator because she hadn’t thought she was displaying her bond so obviously.
Soulmates were rare, they weren’t common really and most people who were fated flaunted the bond because you were so beloved by God you had another half. Mafuyu could’ve been like them, except her bond was not something you could see physically as an outsider. Unlike the idol Momoi Airi who had a tattoo on her wrist that you could see the pattern underneath the awful makeup they had caked on, Mafuyu’s only existed in her mind.
At first, she thought she was imagining it. Everyone had their own inner voice and dialogue, right? Well, it wasn’t that exactly, it was more so a humming and a soft whispery singing voice that sounded perfect to Mafuyu and calmed her down whenever it was bad.
She had really recognised it when she was five, just before she got sick that one time, the only blemish on her perfect record, and it eased her fever that was consuming her whole. Though her memory of the whole event remained a little patchy really. She could barely recall it and only remembered the soft humming in her mind of her soulmate working on a song.
She probably ought to confess to her parent’s about her soulmate, about the horror in her mind. About the fact she was blessed by God, but something nagged in her to not do so and the event in Phoenix Land a few weeks later made it stronger though she couldn’t express it properly. There was a blockade and a distinction according to mental Mafuyu with her soulmate and her family.
So, for her father to pick up on it...
She shook her head and came back to Earth, pretending to be interested in whatever they were talking about. Nodding along diligently and speaking when prompted and necessary, when she had to. The synthesiser long forgotten beside her before her mother began to clean up the place, fretting about a neighbourhood meeting in which the synthesiser found itself into the airing cupboard and Mafuyu nodded her head. It didn’t matter, and it never would. As much as her father thought it useful and he had, somewhat, picked up on her interest in music, it, like her soulmate, was only a distraction. To make her mother and everyone else around her believe in her and help her achieve her goal – she thought it was her goal, that was what she was instructed – of being a doctor.
Music was a pointless hobby.
#
When the graduation of Middle School came, Mafuyu felt a dulled excitement. It was simply nothingness, but there was a slight eagerness for what awaited in high-school, though she was certain she knew what was her destiny. It was to follow everyone’s whims and continue to lose herself and let them decide her fate, which she was fine with.
Well, not exactly fine with, you couldn’t be really fine when you felt nothing since the word fine no longer existed in your vocabulary and your emotional roster. She supposed she wasn’t dead, which had to count for something even if her bead was swimming as her soulmate went through something. The music was painful and splitting that she nearly forgot her speech, but pressed on because she was the class representative, the one they all had hopes for. The golden child and senior everyone adored and aspired to be like, she couldn’t fumble in front of them, she could not waver.
“Mafuyu!” a friend called out and Mafuyu fixed a smile on her face, she had perfected the smile so that it was not too pinched or obviously strained. It looked bright and genuine, Mafuyu was in no pain it said.
“Ah, Minako,” she returned joyfully, and she believed that wasn’t fake. Minako was an old friend, they had been in school at the age of five together and made it through each hurdle life had thrown at them. She believed she truly liked them, but she didn’t know.
“Say cheese!” the girl instructed and Mafuyu was a little annoyed at the feeling she had, if it was true and not her head screwing with her hearing her soulmate do something that wasn’t damaging, disappearing when the flash appeared.
She laughed and shook her head fondly before Mei headed toward them.
“Minako, you know you shouldn’t take pictures like that,” Mei chided and Mafuyu hummed in agreement.
“It’s a little surprising.”
“Oh, but its graduation and we should commemorate this moment!” Minako protested to which Mei snorted and shook her head.
“We’ll all be together in high-school.”
“After all, not much can change and we’re going to stay friends, right?” Mafuyu grinned and she felt it wearing on and her brain. She wanted long claws like in those horror movies to rip it out.
“You’re right...” Minako pouted. “It’s so strange though...”
“Everything’s going to change, huh?” Mei thought and Mafuyu wanted to disagree with that, but couldn’t force the words our. She was the good girl, and good girls don’t disagree even if her head was screaming at her to do so.
So, she said nothing and continued to smile even on her way home and she realised it was pointless. Even as she felr all drowzy and weak, like she was going to keel over at any moment and she wanted to scream in pain. She headed right the way home and engaged in pleasantries with her mother and father, her mother complimenting her for doing so well and something welled up within Mafuyu. That proud smile and lilt to her voice was worth it, she thought.
Mafuyu’s head cleared up as she sat at her desk, it was odd for it to be so clear now that she could process each thought she made and each decision properly. That she could take into account each mistake or each subsequent action that would happen with each action (or inaction) she took whilst organising her desk. Just because for some people, the graduation from Middle School was a break, it wasn’t that for Mafuyu. It was a month of studying for her in order to make her family proud and be the doctor they wanted her to be.
She clicked her fingers interlacing them and picked up her pen and as she was about to put pen to paper her phone buzzed. It was only one buzz, so it could be ignored she thought. Until one buzz turned into four which turned to ten which turned to twenty which then became-
She opened the group chat that consisted of herself, Minako and Mei before shaking her head fondly at their antics. There was no emotion on her face or in her heart, but she presumed she was fond of them since they didn’t feel like a burden or a pain to her. They were simply there, irritating at moments but everyone was really.
Triple M
Minako
Okay but seriously this song is so good
Mei
They just get what im feeling omg....
@mafu you *need* to listen to thjs
Is it really that good?
Minako
Oh yeah
Mei
Give it a try pleaseeeeeee.
Ah.
Okay!
When the song began, as reluctant as she was to listen to it she began to come out in chills all over. There was an odd familiarity to it that Mafuyu couldn’t explain that was intertwined with the bright melody and gentle lyrics. It was good, there was no doubt about it but something was missing...
It’s really good!
That ought to be enough, right?
Well, it would have to be, Mafuyu reasoned as she closed her phone and went to turn her computer off. But like a magnetic pull, a strange attraction, she was drawn to the next video it recommended, a similar song it said.
She tried to turn away, but something within her twisted and her curiosity won she supposed. It beat out all logic and reason and the pre-existing goose bumps got worse.
This song, it felt warm almost and it was so similar to something. Soon, she was humming along and she realised she knew the song before she had even heard it. She knew it properly, the pain and the desperation and she kenw she shouldn’t continue to listen to it, to drive herself made but she did. There was something eerily faniliar.
The first song felt like a distant melody, it was good, it was probably fantastic musically really if Mafuyu had paid much attention. There was something there that for other people was phenomenal and perfect. It was familiar in the sense of something that was long gone or lost in translation, a disappearing magic trick.
This second song was familiar as it squeezed her heart to death that she was feeling it right now. A drowning sensation of pain and it felt... nice. It was a little dark and depressing, sure, but it was the only way to capture how she felt. And it matched the messed up state of her own mind and her soulmates mind and she wondered if her soulmate liked K too. If K made them feel something, anything.
She would never know, there was no way to talk since they were not telepathic much to her sadness. But there was something there and soon day bled into night and Mafuyu had made no progress studying which she ought to have been upset about, she had a schedule to keep up... She wasn’t. She didn’t even mind it and only felt confusion at why this song felt familiar and moved her in such a way that she hadn’t felt in near enough forever.
She couldn’t ponder on it more sinxe the foggy and desperate feelings and songs in her head returned and she felt all the wind, any joy or something that she felt – for she didn’t know emotions all too well – slip away from her grasp. She sat at the table and smiled with her parents, hoping her mental anguish and pain wasn’t visible before going back to her room and thinking all over again, why was K special?
#
The synthesiser was easy to use, and Mafuyu’s head still felt like it was a mess of things. Too many loose melodies and frustrations leaking through, but the copying of K’s song to learn why it made her feel something wasn’t too hard she supposed. It was easy to copy something when you had copied and done what was needed your whole life, what was one more?
She was almost glad her mother hadn’t thrown this out and her father had bought it all those years ago as she worked on the arrangement night and day, tweaking what she felt was suitable. It sounded... darker she supposed, but Mafuyu’s mind was certainly darker then most.
She was at the edge of frustration now and her mother’s words echoed in her mind on loop, it drowned out whatever calm humming her soulmate was doing.
When you become a doctor.
A pit of dread formed within her at the inevitability of her life plan and she hated that because it was right, everyone wanted it for her. So, why did it feel so wrong?
And the song was a dead end too which frustrated her to no end because each method she tried to learn something, to discover something, resulted in an empty nothingness. Nothing worked to save Mafuyu or heal her, except K’s song. Not even her own arrangement made for herself would save her, and now she was irritated.
It was unbecoming of her and it shattered her good girl persona to be irritated, but she simply was. And when you were irritated, you were desperate she supposed and the voices, the noises, were too loud. Too suffocating and too oppressive.
She sat at her desk and glanced over her shoulder before logging onto social media. She almost smiled in relief upon seeing they had posted a new song and it felt nice, her irritation slipped away and the song was hollow, full of something that made you realise they wanted to die. They wanted to no longer be with the world anymore, but they wanted to live. It was fierce and full of fightinf spirit that slipped into her mind.
She didn’t want to die, it would be easier if she did. The pain and numbness would cease but she wanted to live.
They were alike, K and herself. It was probably why she found it easy rearranging K’s song and making it her own in a sense. She was already going to post it, so why not do it without the irritation present? With something akin to hope settling in her blood as foolish as it was....
K’s voice was soothing, she realised as she thought of a username (eventually settling for ‘Yuki’ due to the snow out of the window which she loved) and too familiar. She recognised it faintly, but couldn’t chalk it up to being due to the fact she had looped their songs too many times over or something else that was unimportant. Maybe an old classmate?
#
Mafuyu didn’t think much of her arrangement again, she continued with her life but she noted the strange silence of her soulmate. Of course, it eventually picked back up again and as much as she mentally chided them and bemoaned them, it was nice to have them infecting their mind with soft melodies. Although this one seemed different.
It was desperate still because Mafuyu just simply lacked the vocabulary to say anything else, but it was softer. She actually enjoyed it as she was studying. Of course, no one cared for what she actually wanted as the song stopped momentarily and she was left with the silence all around.
Her computer flashed, the social media appearing with a notification.
She was slow to react, but was decently proud reading what she assumed to be K’s message about working together to make a song. She liked that idea, working with K could get her closer to being saved and realising what made that first song so effective for Mafuyu. She would be busy, but it would benefit it she supposed and she didn’t hesitate to respond her agreement.
Now she simply had to wait.
#
The few days felt like an eternity to Mafuyu and that wasn’t good. Normally, she was able to breeze through days, the schedule helped with that because she wasn’t actively thinking. She was following the steps required of her but this was djfferent. Each day she woke up and dread settled in her because she was so far from meeting K, that it wasn’t that evening yet. She was impatient, she wanted saving now! Could you blame her?
Eventually, the evening came and she waited impatiently, zoming out and tapping her fingers on the desk-
“Ms Yuki?” K called out and Mafuyu felt like she had dove into a frozen river.
Oh.
Oh.
Now, it was clicking into place why the songs and voice sounded so familiar. Why she felt as though she already knew rhe beat and rhe rhythm of the song, the soft and twinkling melody with its twist and turns of heart. She has been hearing them all along thanks to K. K was her soulmate.
That made everything difficult, but easier in a way. She supposed K made her feel so heated and warm because they were destined to be, right? That was only logical why it was only her song and that should’ve been case closed, but Mafuyu wanted something more. She wanted to be fully healed and it would be wrong of her to do this she supposed, but she wanted to be near K so K could save her eventually. So that maybe one day she could feel those emotions again properly and not act how she was meant to feel even if it wasn’t right in some cases.
“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Ms K,” she grinned and her voice was forced, too bright and preppy. It was hushed though in case her parents were still wandering, but they were asleep by one in the morning, like everything in Mafuyu’s life, they too had a pattern and predictable routine.
“Ah- erm- the honour is all mine,” K stumbled and it was oddly... cute? Mafuyu didn’t know the words, but she didn’t hate it she supposed. It was almost comforting, strange, but comforting.
She nodded along and spoke when she needed to, the good girl persona was hard to keep up, but K was understanding and, thankfully, her own age. Which was a relief and a half because what if K was older? Or worse, younger? She shuddered at that thought as it occurred to her, that would’ve been awful and bad.
She sighed softly when she spotted the clock getting late, she had school and this new endeavour was not accounted for within her schedule. She made up an excuse for her absence which K understood and Mafuyu felt honoured and so much closer to something and it all clicked.
Of course, they were fated. They were too much alike to say so. But how could she mention it to K now?
#
Two years she had been by K’s side and nothing had worked, no progress had been made and for as much fun as she was meant to have with Niigo, there was no chance of salvation. It drove her insane. The close proximity to K, her soulmate, drove her up the wall too she didn’t know how to tell her and soon two hears was far too long to admit to someone that you were fated. Though K had implied it sometimes which made Amia tease them and she felt a little upset, not properly but there was something there she didn’t know what to call that arose at the thought of the teasing.
But it didn’t matter now in the Sekai, her own special world with Miku and K’s song. It was like having K with her even though her songs, her new ones made without Mafuyu and with Enanan and Amia, played in her head and it was comforting. She wanted to die so badly, but K kept her sane.
So why did she push K away? Why did she-?
“Yuki!” Amia called out in the Sekai, and soon Mafuyu was greeted with two of the three other circle members. K and Amia.
“Yuki,” K smiled softly and Mafuyu wanted to gravitate towards it, but she didn’t. She stayed still, her eyes empty and her face dead. “I made a song for you-“
“Don’t even,” Mafuyu instructed. It wouldn’t work. The previous 67 hadn’t, this one wouldn’t either especially as she had alresdy heard it. “I’ve already heard enough.”
Amia furrowed their brows and K seemed to deflate.
“Will you listen to me?” K pleaded and Amia shifted, like they didn’t want to be there. “You were right, I do want to die but I want to atone for my mistakes. I made a grave mistake years ago, I made such powerful music that drove my father to overworking himself and now he is in the hospital. I vowed to save people with my music, and I want to save you.”
Mafuyu laughed bitterly. “K, you really are cursed...”
Amia gasped, scandalised, “Yuki!”
“First your father, now me. How can you say these things so selfishly? It’s much better to let us rest and get our piece.”
K shook her head. “I... I can’t. You’re a good friend, Yuki, we’ve always understood one another. I want to crawl out the depths of despair with you.”
Mafuyu scoffed but the retort she had died on her tongue as Enanan bounded over irritated and anger dancing wildly in her eyes. Mafuyu cocked her head as Amia sighed in relief, practically almost collapsing before Ena yelled at her.
“You’re selfish, you know that!? You have such talent and you want to disappear when there’s so many untalented people in the world who have to fight for recognition and you take it so easily it doesn’t matter. And then, then, you act all high and mighty as though someone gifted you this and we should bow to you before saying you want to die and I should relate to you!?” Enanan began, and Mafuyu stood still, Amia was even more awkward now and began to look at the grey floor.
Mafuyu tuned her out eventually, what she was saying was nothing and her head was finally empty as lonely as it was, and she wanted to reside there within her own world.
“We all have rough days, Enanan,” Amia pleaded softly once she had said her piece. They glanced back at her and smiled. “You know that I understood what you meant at first, but I don’t understand the full depths of it Yuki. We may have been colleagues, but I want to consider us as friends, so if you disappear I’ll be sad.”
Mafuyu laughed again.
“You’re all selfish trying to sympathise and stopping me from feeling what I want. Why are you taking away what I have already lost? This is the one thing I have, the one thing to call my own and here you are saying you want me to live. Does my choice not matter to you?”
“It does,” K answered hastily. “We just wanted you to know we appreciate-“
“I don’t need your sympathy. I need to die because no matter how much I search, no matter how many times I recall the first time I heard your song and voice, no matter the memory I pluck of you and I, K,” Mafuyu cried. “Everything I do leads to nothingness and is a dead end. You are cursed alone, why must you curse me too?”
She supposed it was cruel to say, especially from how they flinched, but she couldn’t take it back. She was too far gone. But, clearly not as far as K who gripped her arms and got close to her.
“Then we are cursed together. I will not stop until I save you,” she vowed and Mafuyu wanted to laugh at that.
Mafuyu shook her head, if she had a heart that could still break with pain, it would’ve been shattered in her chest. A nice gem or crystal thing that punctured her lungs and let her choke up blood.
“Do you know who I am?” she asked, and it was a deeper question then many assumed.
Enanan went to speak, but Amia threw their hand over her mouth and shook their head. It was the closest thing she and K were to get to privacy.
K shook her head and Mafuyu sighed. Of course she didn’t. Of course.
“If you knew me, you wouldn’t be cursing yourself so lightly.”
“I was going to compose regardless, saving you is a bonus even if I’m meant to know you,” K explained.
“So, you will continue this even knowing I’m your soulmate?”
K blinked for the moment, what she wanted to say dying in her throat and tongue.
She cleared her throat. “Yes. I suppose we were meant to be cursed together, then and I will help you look for whatever you need. I will look for the keys to save you.”
“I don’t think it’s possible anymore.”
“I don’t believe that. I don’t think fate would submit us to such a cruel joke... If it takes me out whole life together to save you, then it does, so long as you try for me and for us.”
“Is saving me an after thought or related to the bond?”
“I would’ve tried regardless,” K promised and it sounded good. Too good and Mafuyu was weak to her she supposed and each point fo defence was weakening and deflected.
“Then I think I can bear the pain of the curse a little while longer...” Amia cheered at that and let go of Enanan who looked throughly disgusted. K looked up at her, determination swimming in her blue eyes and something red touching her cheeks. A light flush of embarrassment or something else.
Not that it mattered to Mafuyu, she simply noted it because it seemed like she had to.
#
When she logged onto Nightcord after the excitement, her head felt lighter and she supposed her shoulders did too. No longer carrying the weight of her soulmatism to K a secret, much to Amia’s delight as they teased them before arranging a meet up.
Soon, Enanan and Amia left and she was alone with K.
“How long have you known?” K asked quietly.
“The moment we started working together.”
K hummed into the microphone. “Yuki, I will do whatever I can to save you and once I have, I will be by your side.”
“I know.”
“You don’t have to fake around us anymore.”
“I know.”
“We’re in this together, cursed or saved, no matter what.”
“I know.”
“I appreciate you.”
Mafuyu hesitated before nodding her head to herself. “I appreciate you too. And your songs.”
K laughed at that, “I am glad, Yuki. I’ll let you get some rest.”
“You should rest too. When you don’t, my head is all fuzzy and messy.”
“I’ll get right on that,” K agreed.
She logged out and Mafuyu was alone. Her head was quiet, K not working on a melody, satisfied with earlier. And now, she knew her thoughts from long ago when she was five, this soulmate shit was truly a curse. But if she was cursed, she was at least cursed with someone she liked by her side.
And someday, they would no longer be cursed and some thing proper could bloom. But Mafuyu doubted that and if it was, it was too far away in the distance.