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Mafuyu had never known what love was. She understood the concept and the theory of it and she believed, thanks to some death-defying sickness, that she had felt it once from her mother long ago. Back when she didn’t have pressures or aspirations forced on her shoulders for her to do something, anything, that she didn’t know if she wanted or not. Back then when the world seemed so much easier and whilst the world was now colourless and dull, deprived of anything that made it almost human, the world back then was colourful and somehow much simpler than she thought. It was easier for her in the colourful world than the colourless one which made her sekai all the more strange.
But she digressed.
She, to this very day, never knew what love was.
She believed she loved Ena and Mizuki; she was certain in a way. She liked to be around them and be near them, whilst she would complain and sigh about their nonsense (because that was what it was) it was fond now instead of the irritation that she felt at the start. She was able to roll her eyes and smile to herself, something small and precious that even the smallest of twitch of her lips hurt her cheeks for the moment.
She loved Shizuku too, she believed. She was glad that they had remained in archery club together for another year, united and the way that the older girl cared for her, it made her heart pump and beat. She wanted to speak to her, but Shizuku knew the image of Mafuyu she had perfected and projected, it would be rude to turn her world upside down. It came from a place of love this protection of Shizuku and her ideas of Mafuyu.
When she revealed herself to Kanade and the others, that was not love at all but rather anger and hatred that swam in her body like piranhas chasing blood in the water. The way her mind was set and focused on being hurt and projecting it, staring the other’s down and pointing out their hypocrisy as they told her to not give up and quit. That she had so much ahead of her (in the current moment, reflecting during her graduation of the second year she was grateful for it but at that time she hated it and wanted to kill them) and that there was worth in living. She didn’t believe their sick lies that left their throat from poison which is why she inflicted wounds onto them. Not wounds as deep as her own mother had inflicted onto her, but wounds of some sort.
That was back when she didn’t love Mizuki and Ena though, so their wounds were softer. The most she had done was earn Mizuki’s shocked face and silence, something she had craved from them but she regretted the moment they snapped their mouth shut looking at her as if they couldn’t recognise her but they wanted to. Like Aurora chasing the spinning wheel, being led to the green light and to prick their finger and fall into a deep slumber. Something that made them stare at her as though she was a true human seeing through her and her robot-like mask that never fell, but for them it had. It had shattered and crumbled in her fingers, the fabric fraying, no longer at the edges where people could not see it but in public and wide open like the tatters of her heart.
And Ena, Ena who had snapped and looked at her with utter disgust and distaste. Anger that boiled and boiled as she yelled and yelled until her voice was hoarse, she was always a talker and always defensive. Her anger and hatred grounded Mafuyu though it made her feel bad for being (so called) selfish and entitled.
For being a prick and whatever else Ena called her.
Stone cold heartless bitch who could never love anyone else because you were incapable of such a basic emotion and maybe you should die but your talent would be wasted. You need to live to share your talent so talentless people like me can realise that we do not belong in this world. You are so selfish thinking you were benevolent and loving for taking pity on someone as me you prick. You cannot kill yourself you pathetic fuck.
It was Kanade’s openness that broke her though. That made her stop in her path and her world of void felt like there was a chilly winter wind that blew in and made her freeze in place, shivering and her bones frozen through her ‘thick skin’ that nothing could penetrate. She was indomitable and perfect; she was flawless and letting people see where the blood oozed from her wrists and the way that she broke down was not perfect or flawless in the slightest. It would never be really.
The way Kanade took her by the hands. The way she ignored the blood – there was nothing there in reality but it felt like there was from how Kanade’s words cut Mafuyu’s wrist and Mafuyu’s hate cut herself too. The way that she stared at Mafuyu with concern and admiration that wasn’t idolisation or idolatry like everyone else did. The way Mafuyu was herself and a person in Kanade’s eyes.
Kanade was always a different story, though. If she was certain that she loved Ena and Mizuki, she was uncertain what she felt about Kanade because the guilt that took her time to feel for Ena and Mizuki was there immediately there for Kanade. But she couldn’t call it love because what she felt for Kanade was so different to how she felt for the other two that she looked at the scars, metaphorical, of course, and would try to figure it out.
“Mafuyu! Look at us! Going to our third year together!” One of her friends smiled, coming over and taking her by the shoulder. Mafuyu let herself fall into her, though she hated the unprovoked and unasked touching. She disliked it immensely, but Asahina Mafuyu (now), the third-year student, loved the touch and affection from her friends without prompt and had to fall into that hold.
It pulled her out of the way she gazed at her wrist longingly, remembering the days of the rain that skipped down the panels of the windows. That eased the beating of her heart, the two becoming entangled when she sat at Kanade’s table and spoke to Honami at times. That made her remember that cold night and it was painful, she would cry sometimes, and she hated the taste of salt and the way her eyes hurt because it shouldn’t have killed her so much. But she wasn’t callous. She held love for her mother, but held love for herself which triumphed and led her to Kanade’s house in the rain. Soothing her in the rain, hugging tightly before their hands interlaced so naturally she had not even realised it had happened until they were forced to walk side by side into the apartment the whole way.
Soft whisperings and sweet nothings as they curled on the same bed, Kanade trying to move away and Mafuyu keeping her closer and closer. Kanade sighing, reluctantly, saying that only good would happen to them from now on.
Looking at herself in the reflection of the camera, a fake smile on her face but it seemed more lively. More true and that she was truly enjoying her time in their presence, and she always did but some of it was forced because she had no outlet to be free. But, now, with Kanade, the two of them working side by side, shoulder to shoulder, bumping one another listening to Mizuki and Ena ‘flirt’ (it was a poor imitation of romance) and shaking their head. Passing notes to one another and knowing glances that made Mafuyu laugh softly, something she never believed herself capable of which would earn the ire of the two e-daters. The two of them complaining about how she and Kanade got to work side by side and talk to one another secretly.
She seemed more capable and able to express herself properly, and yet she was unable to label the feeling that she had for Kanade. She knew it was not love, at least if she did love the three good friends she had (Mizuki, Ena and Shizuku) outside of Kanade. She was positive that what she felt for Kanade was not what she felt for them.
So, what did she feel?
#
The coffee in her hands was warm and perfect. Steaming and almost scalding, but the kettle never let it get to that point and neither did Honami.
Honami was a caregiver, and the closest thing outside of clubs and school work that was a friend to Mafuyu. She was sweet and accommodating, seeing Mafuyu there for two weeks on a run, brow furrowing before she left immediately. Not intimidated, but apologetic for not being prepared for someone else other than Kanade as she ran to the store and made Kanade’s home better for anywhere else.
It was a nice routine to fall into and Mafuyu had never considered herself particularly close to Honami. They had lunch together and laughed together, inside jokes within their small friendship group from that winter outing. But she was still not close to Honami and yet.
“Honami will be here at the normal time and I need you to let her in,” Kanade sighed, opening up her (what was once sparse) wardrobe and looking at her own clothes and ignoring Mafuyu’s. Item pieces that Kanade’s grandmother funded as well as Mizuki and Ena and Mafuyu herself, though she had little money to her name. She had friends, people she loved, who made her feel like she was the richest person in the world from how Kanade’s wardrobe was busting at the seams to contain their outfits.
She took out her normal outfit, and changed the order of the shirts at Mafuyu’s request when she had Mizuki teamed up to tease Kanade about how she didn’t want to change. There was no issue in not wanting to change, some people had a good life that did not require change. Kanade was one of them. But it was still funny and to see her get flustered and startled made Mafuyu feel something strange, really strange.
“I know, let her in and in any room. She knows the rules and that. We know Honami and she’s been working with you for so long, I don’t have to explain anything, do I?”
“I’m going to fret over it, Mafuyu.”
“We are capable, Kanade,” Mafuyu reassured her, stepping closer to her and, gingerly, taking her hand. It felt strange, no matter how often they had that small bit of contact. It wasn’t soothing to Mafuyu in the slightest still.
Her skin would erupt in flames and her throat bob from nerves looking at Kanade who would practically melt in her hold. Though Mafuyu felt that way from how hot her skin was and everything else. She felt like she would meld with the floor in a moment if the contact was held for a second longer than necessary. But it wasn’t bad, she liked it even if she didn’t know what she felt about Kanade or what affections she held for the girl. Even if she knew that she did not love Kanade.
Kanade looked at where their hands interlaced, her eyes widening still not used to the contact before nodding. “Do you- you don’t need anything, right?”
“No…”
“Well then, I’ll see you later. Remember, Honami.”
Mafuyu rolled her eyes, a small smile on her lips as she walked with Kanade to the door. It wasn’t a far walk and she did not need to escort Kanade to the door of her own home, but Mafuyu felt obligated to. As she held it open and waited for Kanade to disappear around a corner before closing it behind her.
Being eighteen was freeing and strange, she supposed. But there was no time to ponder on her youth, or lack thereof, and instead, she had to sit and wait. Study to make her teachers feel as though there was not a problem and that she had not runaway from home, study to give her some semblance of normalcy as she ignored her mind working out her emotions and feelings for Kanade like some twisted puzzle. She opened the book, rested her head on the small coffee table, getting pressed into the book and glancing at the letters that merged into one from her lack of want in doing her studies.
The sun was too bright and blaring, she hated that. The winter and the rain, the dreariness and darkness of life was a comfort to Mafuyu because she could follow a light that guided her to safety. Her fingers crossed and interlaced with someone else as they walked forward, never looking back. Staring at Kanade as they headed out of the darkness into the light, but they lingered for the moment. The light too bright for them and too potent and powerful, waiting side by side, unspoken promises lingering on their lips.
#
She must’ve fallen asleep, dreaming of the rain. The downpour that others would be upset about but Mafuyu adored.
Her head was swimming afterwards, though it always was after that dream because it was endless and something that lived in the forefront of her mind. She constantly dreamt about it and the way that it was. The way the world looked in the rain, holding onto someone’s hand tightly and basking in that glow and light.
She was sad to wake up, rubbing her eyes, stumbling to the door to let Honami in. No longer the image of grace and perfection in front of her because Honami knew too much. She was able to leave Kanade’s house, coming and going as she pleased and was scheduled to, there was no point in acting in front of her. Kanade wanted her to break those barriers down and because she held a certain amount of affection towards Kanade, she agreed, and Honami saw the chips and cracks.
The way that her fingers were bent in such an uncomfortable position from writing her notes out to be a doctor, a path that she did not want to follow voluntarily.
She opened the door, a thin smile on her lips and Honami returned with a smile that far too bright and beaming. For a moment, it annoyed Mafuyu, but she knew that was just her being irritable from her dream with Kanade ending. She wanted to live there forever and ever, never waking up at all, never again, but life around her moved.
The leaves turned and changed, they withered and died, Mafuyu needed to be awake and alert, that was something that could not be ignored. So, she sucked it up as she stared at Honami with her own tense and terse smile, letting her into Kanade’s home, laughing apologetically.
“Sorry for the mess, I was studying then time must’ve escaped me and I fell asleep,” Mafuyu laughed, her heart clenched at admitting that imperfection, she held onto the side of her cardigan when admitting it. The words for failure and not being a success did not come to her easy and she still felt ashamed and embarrassed when she was not perfect though everyone encouraged her to be open and aware. That it was good, it was okay, to not be okay. It was fine to not be this picturesque doll and able to move for everyone else’s shows and performances and admiration and idolatry.
It was hard to unlearn that behaviour, but she had to do it slowly but surely. Honami was the perfect candidate.
“It’s fine,” Honami laughed readily. Her eyes scrunching up as she admitted it. “Why don’t I get started on the bedroom? You can sleep properly then.”
“You don’t have to, it’s rude and puts you in a position. Kanade speaks to you, right? Why don’t I do that with you?”
“You don’t have to Asahina.”
“I- I want to. We aren’t that close, really, and you keep seeing me so…”
Honami laughed for the moment, shaking her head fondly, unpacking the shopping bags and placing the food on the side. “Well, Kanade and I usually talk relationship advice.”
“Relationship advice?”
“Kanade asked me a lot about you and the other’s and friendship. We talked briefly and…” Honami shook her head, trailing off for the moment. “Well, that’s what we can talk about and our day to day lives. Casual things like that.”
“How does one get relationship advice?”
“You just… talk about your relationships and feelings. Or you have questions about conveying something. I’m not good at that though,” Honami laughed, bashful and tilting her head down and away from Mafuyu’s gaze. A lie.
“What does love feel like?” Mafuyu asked bluntly, because, quite frankly, she was tired dancing around the subject and skirting around the question that plagued her mind. She wanted to know what love was.
Honami hummed for the moment, popped her tongue out of her mouth as Mafuyu watched her move around the place. Too poised and practiced, almost like she was in a ball and needed to have a performance to entrance the royals in the castle and prove herself to them.
“Love is too complex to explain. For some it’s the sun peeking out the clouds, other’s differentiating between platonicness and romance is complex and complicated. It’s hard to admit, sometimes, that you love your best friend and that the love you feel is something more,” Honami settled on eventually, moving to bake a cake or something. Something sweet that would be a treat as her own apology for the pain that Mafuyu experienced.
The conversation was weird, unlike Mafuyu, but sleep clouded her judgement as she sat at Kanade’s dinner table. Closer to Honami to show an interest in her and beg for her to continue without saying those particular words exactly.
“How do you know the difference?”
“Some people say its as easy as imagining kissing someone on the lips and intensely. You don’t tend to do that in friendship, tend is the important word,” Honami explained quietly, a sore spot being touched. “Other’s just know from the way that the world feels. The way it stops and spins and… you know is the common thing about it. Do you think you may be in love, Asahina?”
Mafuyu bit her lip, laughed and sighed, shaking her head. “Impossible.”
She was made to not feel anything or know anything and emotions slipped her mind and tongue. Although her sekai was rapidly changing with her feelings and, gradually, each new Vocaloid that joined showed more emotion to accommodate for the problems faced by her friends. The people she cared about. The people she loved.
And yet, Kanade stood out from the crowd because to say she loved Kanade felt wrong. Simply inadequate.
She…
She didn’t know what she felt and turned back to Honami and smiled, reiterating once more that she was not in love and how it was ‘impossible’ but her heart hurt. Like someone was stabbing her with a thousand knives and trying to kill her and have her bleed out like a pin cushion.
Honami looked her over, multiple times, as though she didn’t believe Mafuyu and, if Mafuyu were honest, she wouldn’t believe herself either. Which made the stares make sense but she maintained that she did not- she didn’t love Yoisaki Kanade.
#
Kanade returned later, and Mafuyu was more subdued, curled up on the couch and looking out the window at the rain that stained the streets.
She wasn’t soaked to the bone; her hair remained the same as ever but she too looked out the window by Mafuyu’s side. The two of them lost in the rain that seemed to never end, the downpour that kept coming and coming, silently watching it, their shoulders too close together and fingers reaching for one another instinctively.
After her conversation with Honami, Mafuyu was too aware of the touching, the beating of her heart and so much more. And, admittedly, when the girl had left after a good job, she sighed to herself shakily and looked online at romance novels and guides.
It was stupid, it was a moment of weakness as the rain began to form. Light and drizzly as she looked up things and read about it, the words being comprehendible but hard to truly grasp. The deeper meaning evaded her grasp as the world seemed so black and white, and breaking down those preconceived ideas would take forever and ever or some matter of desperation. A dire situation.
She was too aware of everything and being normal around Kanade felt out of the realm of possibility, because what was once normal no longer felt it. And her feelings were still explained as ‘she didn’t love Yoisaki Kanade but she didn’t not love her and-‘
Oh.
Oh?
Oh.
She looked at Kanade, who was no longer gazing at the rain that fell down the windowpanes. But rather, looking at her, their faces too close to one another that they were breathing each other’s air and that didn’t seem good. Their eyes looking one another in the face and their fingers wiggling.
Mafuyu loved Kanade. But she loved Kanade in a different way from the others, like the rain in the clouds and whilst to some, that imagery was dreary. In the snippets of poems, she had read that talked about the moon and the sun, the world and the orbit, the way that it left them like a feather, able to sore and be free. For everything else that existed.
The two looked at one another, not saying anything and time stopped like it was a dream. The rain was something that was always soothing to Mafuyu, so Kanade being with her in the rain was perfect.
She leant forward, Kanade did too, and they kissed.
It was perfect.
It was everything, soft and slow. Needed and wanted. Yearning and returning. Full of passion even though it was not messy like ‘real’ passionate kisses were but the two of them did not need that. Not in the slightest.
All they needed was the two of them, their fingers, small promises that were unspoken but, on their tongues, and in their eyes, and the rain.
Love, at least, their hands together and-
What more could she say? Nothing else she supposed. Just that she was in love with Kanade, but she loved the others. Two different things that made it easier for her to breathe even if her breath was being stolen by Kanade and filling up her lungs instead.
She grinned as she pulled away and looked away, trying to school her face, which didn’t work as the rain came down heavier. Letting them exist in this daydream, forever and ever.