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When Stray Kids disbanded, everyone thought that they would stick together. After everything they went through it seemed like the obvious thing to happen. But disbandment came at Jisung and Seungmin’s enlistments, so naturally without two of the members, the rest went their own directions.
Chan knew it was unexpected. They all got plenty of comments on Twitter and Instagram about it, some more hurtful than others, but they all brushed them off. Not all of them wanted to even continue in the music industry. Years of being overworked left most of them resenting their former passion and pursuing something else.
But not Chan.
He started off just helping his sister with her company. Helping train a new generation of producers. Once he was satisfied with that he moved on to Western artists.
Living in America was.. different than Korea, and even Australia. Chan can’t say whether he liked it more or less, but he got to work with artists he looked up to, and got paid well enough doing so, so he didn’t see any reason to complain about it.
For quite a few years he kept tabs on the kids. Keeping up with Minho and Hyunjin and their dance studio they started, Jeongin’s solo career, Jisung’s own foray into music production, Changbin’s personal training gig, Seungmin’s progress on his law degree, and Felix-
Well Chan couldn’t have avoided talking to Felix if he tried.
Felix’s face was on every ad around LA. He was plastered all over the internet. People were constantly in Chan’s mentions and dms about the other Australian’s ventures into modeling. He felt like every time he closed his eyes all he could see was the new clothing line Felix was modeling for, or the new car commercial the blond was in.
Not that he was complaining. He enjoyed seeing his kids becoming so successful. It was just becoming a burden after-
After they stopped talking to one another.
They used to talk every day, Chan and Felix. Good mornings and goodnights, updates about their days, silly things they saw that reminded them of each other.
But then Felix moved to Paris.
The time difference wasn’t a problem at first, it was easy enough for Chan to just stay up later or wake up earlier, and it’s not like they were on completely opposite schedules, their days lined up well enough, and he got to talk to Felix most of the day actually. It was an okay arrangement for a few months.
Then life happened.
Chan started working with a few new artists, and Felix took on a few extra modeling gigs and their days went from texting and calling each other constantly to just goodnight and good morning texts once in a while until even that faded.
Chan didn’t even notice, at first, that he and Felix stopped messaging each other. It faded so gradually that he didn’t even realize it ended.
He tried not to think of the hole in his chest at the thought of having lost the one person who was his home.
Chan never even noticed the text come in asking him when he was free to meet because Felix would be in town for a while for award show season.
~~~
For years, Chan brushed off the thought of messaging Felix. Obviously if he wanted to talk to Chan he would. Felix probably had a great group of model friends that he hung out with all the time. He didn’t need to talk to a workaholic like Chan. He was out living his life, carefree and happy.
Not that Chan knew. He tried not to look at Felix’s Instagram too much. It just made that hole in his chest a little bit bigger every time he saw that wide smile.
He definitely didn’t look when he saw Felix post that he was with Hyunjin and Minho.
He definitely didn’t feel the last bit of his heart break.
The hole just got a little bit bigger, is all.
~~~
“I wish you would come visit us.” Hannah says that every time she calls. Chan knows they worry about him. It’s been years now. He buried himself in his work so much he barely even remembers what day it is. He would like to visit his family again. He honestly would.
He doesn’t want to face Felix is all.
Felix, who is back home in Australia.
Felix, who refuses to call it home. He just says he’s back. Not that Chan checks his Twitter or anything.
Chan knows that he and Felix would joke that they were each other’s home all the time so Chan can’t help but think that maybe Felix misses him.
Felix still never texts him.
~~~
“I think I’m following in the rest of their footsteps, Chan. It’s time you did too, you’re gonna work yourself to death at this rate.” Jisung worries about him too much, Chan thinks. He’s not even that old, none of them are, but he and Jisung are the last two to settle down. Their jobs aren’t as hard on their bodies, he supposes.
Chan hums into the phone, thinks it over for a bit. “I just don’t know where I’d even go, Sung.” And it’s true. He hasn’t felt at home anywhere in a long time. He’s moved all across the states for his job, but nothing felt right.
Silence for a few seconds, and then a soft, “just go home, hyung.” And with that, Jisung hangs up.
Chan tries not to dwell on the fact that he thought of Felix before anything else.
~~~
When Chan steps out of the airport, he still doesn’t feel like he’s home. He should, back in Australia, his sister even came to pick him up. Yet it doesn’t feel right. Something is missing.
Someone is missing.
He shakes the thought from his head and follows Hannah to her car. He’s staying with his parents for a few weeks while he looks for an apartment. He tries not to think about the fact that Felix lives here too. Tries not to think about running into him. Tries not to think about texting him.
His phone burns in his pocket.
~~~
In his defense, he makes it a few months before caving and bringing up Felix’s contact. He hovers over the message button for an embarrassing amount of time before he finally presses it and brings up a new chat.
“hey bro, back home now, wondering if you wanted to grab a bite?” No that doesn’t sound right. what even is home anymore anyways? Chan hasn’t been able to figure it out since they all spread out. “Back in Sydney, was wondering if you wanted to grab a bite and catch up?” Well it would have to do.
Chan: back in sydney
Chan: wondering if you wanted to grab a bite and maybe catch up?
After a few seconds he decides to send another text.
Chan: no pressure if not haha its okay
He tried not to just stare at the texts, waiting for Felix’s response, but he was too nervous to do anything else. What if he said no, what if he hated Chan for some reason and that’s why he never kept in contact with him.
Chan is just overthinking this. Felix could never hate him, they were brothers, they’ve been through thick and thin together. Friends grow apart and come back together all the time. They’ve grown apart and now it’s their time to come back together.
His phone buzzes in his hand and he nearly drops it in excitement when he sees Felix’s name pop up.
Felix: sure thing bro!
Felix: i didn’t know you were back, i thought you were gonna stay in the states forever
Chan: we can talk about it when we meet up, yeah?
Felix: yeah bro i can’t wait
Chan tried to ignore how excited Felix sounded. He was probably just pretending to be excited about it for Chan’s sake.
They worked on hashing out the details, and decided that they would meet for lunch a week from now.
The hole in Chan’s heart got a little bit smaller.
~~~
The week-long wait flew by so quickly, Chan felt like he didn’t have any time to prepare for it. Suddenly he was looking down and he had an hour to get ready before he had to go meet Felix.
He rushed through getting ready so he could be there just a little bit early. So he could have a little extra time to calm down before he saw Felix for the first time in years.
“Chan!” He heard someone show from behind him. He turned around and saw him. Felix. He looked-
He looked incredible.
Of course Chan has been keeping up with him a little bit through Instagram and Twitter, but no one ever looks the same in real life and in person. Felix looked amazing in all of his pictures, but right here, right now he looked almost ethereal. The years had been kind to him. There were wrinkles on his face but he wore them well. His hair was still dyed blond and still fit him perfectly. He looked like he had kept up some form of working out.
He looked amazing.
Suddenly Chan felt self-conscious about how he looked. He knew he hadn’t exactly aged the best. He had given up on working out quite a few years ago, and never was as good at skin care as the rest of the boys and it was catching up to him now.
Felix must not have felt the same way if the once-over he gave Chan was any indication.
“You look good, Chan! God, I haven’t seen you since when?” Felix questioned. Chan looked around, pretending to think. It wasn’t a hard question to answer, he kept all of their last interactions stored away in his brain because apparently he loved hurting himself.
He looked back at Felix. “Since Jeongin got back from his enlistment, I think.” He knows.
“God, that was forever ago. I can’t believe we haven’t seen each other since then. Wow we have a lot to catch up on let’s go!” Fake enthusiasm, Chan reminded himself, Felix was just faking this enthusiasm so Chan would be happy.
They sat across from each other at a cozy little table near the back of the restaurant. Chan tried not to think about how intimate this space was.
“Soooo… how long have you been back, Chan?” Felix tilted his head as he asked the question. Even now, even after all these years, he still looked so much like a cat it shocked Chan. He resisted the urge to reach out and pet the blond.
He debated for a second about whether or not he should lie, but decided against it. “Only a few months, most of which I spent looking for an apartment, and then moving all my stuff into said apartment… you know how it goes I’m sure. I finally had the chance to relax for the first time.” Felix was nodding along to everything he was saying because it was true. He would be the only one to understand what Chan was going through, both of them have gone through this multiple times by now, packing up and moving around the world. It wasn’t an easy thing to do and it takes a lot out of someone. “I’m just glad to finally be home.”
“I’m glad, Chan. I finally feel like I’m home again.” Felix smiles brightly at him and Chan is confused.
“I thought you’ve been here for a few years by now?” Well there he goes spilling that he stalks Felix’s social media accounts. Way to go Chan.
Felix smiles at him again. “I have… but you’re here now.”
Oh. “Haha yeah” he answers awkwardly, trying to ignore the feeling rising in his stomach at the statement.
Tries to ignore that hole in his heart getting smaller again. He doesn’t want to get his hopes up.
~~~
Soon they start talking to each other all the time again. It’s nice, Chan decides, to be able to have this back. He missed Felix more than he could put into words. Chan finds he doesn’t really know what to do with himself now that he’s not working anymore. He ends up talking to Changbin and Jisung more, and even reaches out to the rest of the kids again, something he hasn’t done in years.
It’s good. It feels almost normal again.
He gets a gym membership and starts working out again. He joins a few recreational sports teams, and even a book club to keep himself occupied. He visits Felix a few times a week. It’s a good routine for them, it's almost-
It’s almost domestic even.
They start to spend so much time at each other's apartments that their clothes end up spread between both. They go out together more often than not, they work out together, they go see movies together. It’s almost as though they’re dating.
Chan shakes the thought from his head. He can’t think like that. He knows Felix isn’t seeing anyone, the blond had cried into his chest the other day about that particular problem, but that doesn’t mean that Felix wants to date him. That would be insane. Sure they were close but it wasn’t like that.
Even if Chan wished it was.
He would never want to push Felix like that, so he was content to just let things stay the way they were.
~~~
One fateful night, Felix has Chan over to his apartment. They get to drinking, and drinking leads to talking. Talking about life, which leads to talking about the kids.
“Are you still in contact with any of them?” Chan questions. He’s always been curious. Felix had such special relationships with all of the members, he couldn’t see Felix just cutting them off completely. Even though that’s kinda what he did to Chan.
Felix tilts his head at the question. “Well… I still talk to Hyunjin here and there. I wish all of them a happy birthday every year, but the conversations always pitter out a few days after that.” He doesn’t seem sad about it, so maybe he wasn’t as close with them as Chan thought he was. That made him feel a little better but-
He never got birthday texts from Felix the past few years.
“What about you?” He heard Felix ask, and he glanced up at the blond without answering. “Chan?”
Chan shook his head. “Oh you know, Changbin and Jisung mostly, recently the others but yeah like you said, the conversations pitter out after a bit. Guess a lot of us don’t really have anything in common anymore haha.”
“Oh.” Is all Felix says in response.
“Yeah.” He doesn’t really know what else to say. He’s still thinking about the birthday texts. He doesn’t know why it’s bothering him so much. It’s such an insignificant thing, it shouldn’t matter this much. But it hurts. It's almost like it’s intentional. That Felix brought it up. Why even bother to say it if not to throw it in Chan’s face that he’s the one Felix left out. He shakes his head to clear the thoughts. “Y'know I think I’m just gonna head out. It’s getting late and I have that game tomorrow. Gotta be well rested haha.” The statement sounds awkward even to himself, but if Felix notices, he doesn’t show it.
“Oh! Okay. Well, you know your way out. Sleep well Chan.” Chan just nods in agreement and doesn’t say anything back.
~~~
A few weeks later, they’re back in the same place. They’re sitting on the floor of Felix’s apartment, surrounded by cans when Chan brings it up again.
“So all the other kids got birthday wishes, huh?”
Felix’s head shoots up, a shocked look on his face. “What?” He stares at Chan, and when Chan offers no response, Felix shrugs “yeah I guess.”
“Oh. Okay.”
“Yeah.”
They stare at each other after that, the tension in the room is so palpable, Chan can almost taste it.
“I never-” “I’m sorry-”
They giggle nervously.
“You go first.” Chan gestures to Felix.
The other man takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry, Chan, I am. I would have made more of an effort but, if I’m being honest, it didn’t seem like you wanted me to.”
A few moments of silence and then-
“What.” And Chan doesn’t mean to say it so aggressively, he’s just taken aback. He truly doesn’t know where Felix is coming from with this.
Felix’s eyes harden. “I said. It seemed like you didn’t want to talk to me anymore.”
“Oh I didn’t want to talk to you anymore? Is that how you’re gonna twist this?” Chan can feel rage start to bubble up in his chest. He tries to press it down, but it doesn’t work.
Felix angles his entire body away from Chan. “What exactly am I twisting here, Chris?” Chan jolts at the sound of his English name. Felix had stopped using that a long time ago. He tried to ignore how much it hurts.
“I was the only one sending anything to you at one point. You barely even messaged me back. Not even so much as an ‘oh I’m busy I can’t text right now.’ Nothing. Just radio silence.” Chan feels ready to vibrate out of his skin at this point, there’s so much anger built up in his body.
“Well I’m sorry I tried reaching out to you when I knew I would be at the MET Gala but you just ignored me, Chris.” Felix has tears swelling up in his eyes.
Chan blinks. “What?”
Felix shakes his head and huffs. “I messaged you. Several times. Asking if you wanted to see me when I went to New York. I knew you would be there. I thought it would be nice to see you after so long. But you never answered me.” He turns away and Chan can see the tears falling down his cheeks.
Suddenly all the rage is sucked out of him. “I’m sorry, Fe, I didn’t see them”
“Yeah, whatever. That's what everyone says.” Felix is just being dismissive now, and Chan can feel the rage climbing up his throat again.
“I’m not fucking lying to you Felix. I didn’t see them. I was busy all the time. It’s not unheard of for someone to miss a message or two.” He hates yelling at Felix. Felix was the one kid he never fought with. He wanted to keep it that way forever.
“Just get out, Chris. I don’t want any excuses. It’s been hard enough these past few weeks putting up this front for you. Just get out.” Felix stands up and starts walking towards his bedroom.
Chan is left sitting there in shock.
He was right. Felix was just faking everything.
~~~
A few weeks have passed since their little argument. Chan wants to reach out and apologize for the way he acted. He really didn’t mean to blow up at Felix like that over something as simple as birthday texts. Even if it spiraled into more, he still feels like it’s his fault.
He thinks it over for a few days and decides against messaging the other man. He can feel the hole in his chest coming back. He doesn’t even know what he can do to fix this. They had never even gotten into a fight before, this was something totally out of the ordinary for them. Chan doesn’t know what he could even say to fix it. He doesn’t know if there’s anything he can say to fix it.
He spends the next few weeks just laying around his apartment. There’s a hole in his chest that he knows will only be filled by Felix. He makes no effort to make that happen.
He starts thinking that maybe he should just pack up and move back to the states. It’s the next closest thing to home. It won’t be the same as living here. This is his real home. Felix is his real home. He knows he won’t ever be able to find a replacement. There will be nothing that will fix this ache, this longing in his chest.
But the longer he stays here, the worse it gets. Felix is so close, yet so far away. It would be better if the blond wasn’t near him. Then he wouldn’t have the constant urge to run to him.
Chan brings up flights to the United States. Books one a few days from now. He decides he might as well start packing now. He won’t bring much with him. Just some clothes, his laptop. Nothing else really, that’s all he needs.
He’s just starting to pack when he hears a knock on the door. He wasn’t expecting anyone to come over today. In fact, no one has visited him for a month. Maybe even more than that.
He makes his way over to the entryway. When he opens the door, he sees the last person he expected to be standing on the other side.
Felix.
The blond looks up, startled.
All they do is stare at each other.