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“So are you gonna tell me?” Lauren asked Tobin casually as she plopped down on her own bed.
“Tell you what?” Tobin asked without looking up as she kept looking at her phone.
“About what’s going on with you and Press,” Lauren said.
Tobin stopped scrolling and looked at Lauren with furrowed brows. “What do you mean?” she asked, trying to keep her voice even.
Lauren looked doubtfully at Tobin. “You’re telling me there’s nothing going on between the two of you?”
“Why are you asking me that?” Tobin asked, curious to know how Lauren caught on.
“Because dinner was…interesting,” Lauren replied.
“Interesting how?” Tobin asked coolly, trying to buy time.
Lauren gave Tobin a look as if to say she wasn’t fooling anyone. “Um, first of all, you pulled out Press’ chair for her. Then something about the way you two were looking at each other and the way Press would, like, tuck her hair behind her ear and smile at you. You’re telling me there’s nothing going on between the two of you? That I’m just being crazy?”
Tobin sighed and put her phone on her chest and one arm behind her head. She didn’t realize they were that obvious and she worried that other teammates might have picked up on it, too. She looked up at the ceiling trying to figure out how she was going to get out of this, but it was pointless. She looked over at Lauren who was waiting for her to say something.
“There’s nothing going on in the sense that it hasn’t gotten physical. Though there have been times in the last couple of months when it easily could have,” Tobin said. “Emotionally, um, I’ve been thinking about her. A lot. Probably an unhealthy amount.”
Lauren listened and waited for Tobin to keep talking. Tobin sat up in bed to face her roommate to tell the full story.
“The night we won in Vancouver, um, I said some things when I got drunk,” Tobin said.
“What things?” Lauren said, surprised that something had been going on for that long and she was just now picking up on it, especially since she had thought for a while that Tobin and Christen might have developed a crush on each other, but were ignoring their feelings for the sake of the team.
“I told her she was the most beautiful girl in the world and that I wanted to hold her and kiss her,” Tobin said cringing, feeling her face flush.
Lauren’s mouth dropped in shock. “Jesus. What did Press say?”
“I don’t know. I fell asleep right after I said it. I was so stupid drunk, Chen. And then the next morning I remembered what I said and I apologized,” Tobin said.
“Do you think she has feelings for you?” Lauren asked.
Tobin nodded. “I’m pretty sure, yes. Any time we’re alone, the tension is just so thick. It’s like we both want to just say ‘fuck it’ and start kissing, but we’ve been able to somehow stop ourselves,” Tobin said.
“Wow,” Lauren said as she rubbed her forehead, trying to digest all the information being unexpectedly thrown at her this late in the night.
“But then there’s Shirley,” Tobin said, bringing up the elephant in the room. “I have to end it with her. I can’t be having these feelings and still be with someone else. It’s not fair to her. It’s not fair to anyone.”
“So what are you gonna do?” Lauren asked.
“I booked a ticket to fly out to Paris right after the White House. I have to do it soon. It feels like things can escalate really quickly and I don’t want to cheat. I really don’t. You know me. I would never do that. I never wanna hurt anyone,” Tobin said.
“I know,” Lauren said. “Are you and Press going to start seeing each other when you get back?” Lauren asked.
Tobin sighed. “I don’t know. I mean, I want to and I’m pretty sure she also wants to, but it’s just so risky and I think we both know that. I think we both don’t wanna fuck things up with each other and the team. That’s the main concern.”
Lauren sighed, too. “Well, you guys are gonna have to look at the pros and cons of starting something. Have you talked to Ali and Ash about their experience?”
“I haven’t, but Christen has probably talked to Ali about it since they’ve been rooming on and off,” Tobin said.
“You know you can always talk to me about this kind of stuff, right?” Lauren said. “Even after I’m gone.”
“I know. I’m sorry I haven’t said anything. It’s just so complicated,” Tobin said. “What do you think of all this?”
Lauren shrugged her shoulders. “I’ve thought, and maybe even hoped, for a long time that eventually you and Christen would see that there’s a mutual thing there. I was so frustrated with you when she first came on the team and you refused to hang out with her when I told you I wanted to be her friend. She was so great and you couldn’t see it. You were so damn immature, so I guess I’m glad you didn’t get together back then. You wouldn’t have been mature enough to be with someone like her.”
“You’re probably right,” Tobin nodded in agreement. “Thanks for bringing her into the fold. I don’t know that I would have seen what I see now if you hadn’t done that.”
“Yeah, well, I’m stubborn and apparently a genius,” Lauren chuckled. “I’ve seen the change in your relationship with her over the years and I’ve just kept hoping one day you’d see what I see. I didn’t know if you two were just good at ignoring the signs or if you knew but just decided to bury any feelings you might have because you’re teammates. But I hoped that once your time on the national team was over that you two might end up together.”
Tobin was in a little bit of shock at the revelation from her friend.
“I had no idea you felt that way,” Tobin said.
“Yeah, I wasn’t going to say anything, but tonight at dinner made it pretty clear to me that something had really changed between the two of you and I had to ask,” Lauren said.
Tobin sat in silence as Christen dominated her thoughts once again. Her smile, her laugh, her eyes.
“How long have you had these feelings?” Lauren asked, bringing Tobin out of her daydream.
Tobin took a deep breath, trying to dig deep within herself for the answer.
“Honestly, I can’t pinpoint the exact moment that I started feeling differently. I think it’s just been brewing for a while without me knowing. But when we started rooming late last year and we would just talk for hours about everything into the late night, I probably unknowingly started feeling something then. And she opened up to me about some stuff going on in Chicago and I felt like I had to protect her but I couldn’t. At some point, I just kind of brushed it off as a little crush. I mean Christen is the prettiest girl in the world, so I figured I probably wasn’t the only one crushing on her, you know? She’s always got someone interested in her,” Tobin said.
Lauren nodded in understanding. She’d seen her share of Christen’s admirers over the last couple of years.
“But then days turned to weeks and weeks turned to months and it just hasn’t gone away. We’re opposites, but we also have so much in common,” Tobin said with a hopeless look on her face.
“I see,” Lauren said.
“This is a bad idea, right?” Tobin asked, but unsure that she wanted to hear Lauren’s answer.
Lauren shrugged. “Look, Tobs, you and Press are two of my closest friends. And while yes, it might be a bad idea to date your teammate, if any two people on this team have a connection that I just can’t explain, it’s you two. Go with what your gut and your heart are telling you. They’re usually right.”
Tobin nodded and looked over at Lauren. “I really like her. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I’ve never spent entire days just thinking about one person. Ever. Literally every second that I’m awake, I’m thinking about her. And it’s especially true in the last few weeks where we haven’t been singularly focused on the World Cup and I’ve had more time to think. It’s like, I don’t know, she’s a permanent fixture in my brain or something.”
Lauren nodded and smiled. She had never seen Tobin like this before. She was always so confident, but now she just looked like a lost puppy. She wondered how Christen was holding up and she made a mental note to also check in on her other friend.
“Well, you can take care of business in a few days and go from there,” Lauren said.
Tobin nodded.
“Does Press know you’re flying to Paris?” Lauren asked.
“No, not yet, but I’m gonna let her know tomorrow,” Tobin said.
“Good. Then you can have a talk and see where you two stand once you’ve broken things off with Shirley,” Lauren said.
“Yeah, I just don’t know when that’s going to be. We’ve got some commitments in November that’s gonna make it difficult. I have this thing at UNC right after Paris and then she and her sister are going to South Africa for a Grassroot Soccer thing. We might not see each other until December and that feels like an eternity,” Tobin whined.
Lauren could see that Tobin had it bad for Christen and gave her a smile.
“That’s probably for the best anyway, right? It’ll give you time after you end things with Shirley to really think about what you’re getting yourselves into and know in your heart that this is what you want,” Lauren said. “It’ll be good for you to have that little break to make a decision on what you want.”
Tobin looked at Lauren contemplatively. “You’re right. I know you’re right,” she said. “I’m just at a point where I want to spend every second of every day with her and I’m being a baby about not seeing her for basically all of November,” Tobin admitted.
Lauren chuckled. “Well as long as you recognize that you’re being a baby…” she joked.
“I’m gonna miss you, Chen,” Tobin said, feeling herself get emotional all over again at the thought of one of her best friends retiring. “I can’t believe we won’t get to have this again.”
Lauren sighed. “I’m gonna miss you more than you know. But I’m glad to see you and Christen are finally getting your acts together to realize what has been there all along. And you know you can always call or text me about anything.”
Tobin smiled and tears threatened to fall.
“She really has been there all along, hasn’t she. Even in college, she was so fucking pretty. I think I just figured I never had a chance with someone as beautiful and smart as her, so I didn’t want to think about her in that way,” Tobin said.
“Don’t sell yourself short, Tobs,” Lauren said. “You’re pretty damn great, too.”
“Thanks, Chen,” Tobin said.
There was a moment of silence between them.
Tobin picked up her phone to see if she had a message from Christen. When she saw that there wasn’t, she put it back down with a pout.
“Ugh, I wish she was here right now,” Tobin whined.
Lauren smiled. “Do you want me to call her over?”
“No,” Tobin said. “I’m just whining out loud. Christen in a room with me and a bed is just not a good idea right now. At least not until I’ve taken care of things in Paris.”
“Gotcha. Do you want me to stop you if I see you about to cross a line?” Lauren asked even though she knew Tobin would never make that mistake.
“Yes please,” Tobin said. “But please don’t tell anyone about this. She and I need to figure our shit out first before telling the whole team.”
“My lips are sealed,” Lauren confirmed.
“I love you, Chen. I’m gonna miss you so much.
“I love you, too, Tobs. I miss you already.”
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