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I quietly tiptoe out of my bed and make my way to the bathroom, turning back to the sleeping figure to make sure he’s still asleep. Felix had slept over again last night. At this point, it’s also his apartment. He’s slept over every day since he’s gotten back from tour. I love it and the thought of him eventually going back to his dorm makes my heartache.
Luckily, I put together my outfit for today before bed last night and left it in the bathroom. After taking a hot shower and washing my hair, I quickly get dressed. Wet hair in a towel, I remember that I did leave some hair products in bedroom.
“Shit!” I whisper when I open the bathroom door to find Felix standing in front of me, rubbing his eye. His dyed blond hair is pushed in 5 different directions, reminding me of Lewis from Meet the Robinsons. Both of his eyes remain closed. If I didn’t know any better, I would say that he’s sleep walking.
Felix had been up all night playing games on his phone. I woke up a few time in the middle of the night to him sitting in the dark with the screen illuminating his face. I was trying to be quiet so he could finally get some sleep as I got ready to go to breakfast with my friends but it looks like I woke him up anyway.
“Sorry, I rolled over and the bed was empty. I thought you left without saying goodbye.” He mumbles, morning voice thick.
“No, you’re fine. Sorry, I didn’t want to wake you up just yet. I was going to wake you up right before I left.” I was planning on getting breakfast with two of my friends, Hae-Won and Minjun, that I haven’t seen in a while. We were supposed to meet a few weeks ago but we had to reschedule. I invited Felix after we changed the date to one when he would be in town but he politely declined. He insisted that I should go hang out with my friends without him as planned and that we could always plan something with the four of us another day.
“You look nice. You’re not going to be too cold?”
“It’s supposed to be warmer today, but I’m bringing a sweater just in case.” I kiss Felix’s cheek before walking past him to grab some hair supplies from my side of the dresser.
Felix follows me around the room, eyes only slightly more open than they were when I first saw him this morning but still not fully open yet, clutching onto my shirt. We make our way back into the bathroom and I grab the stool that I normally sit on when I’m doing my hair in front of the mirror and position it next to me. Felix takes the cue and sits down next to me, finally releasing my shirt. Instead he snakes his arms around my waist, resting his head on my side. I quietly dry with my blow drying, trying not to move too much so Felix doesn’t fall.
“What time are you coming back?” Felix mumbles again.
“I should be back around lunchtime. Minjun has work later and Hae-Won is meeting with her boyfriend. I’ll pick us up something to eat on the way home. If you think of something specific you want to eat, let me know.” Felix hums in response. I can’t tell if he’s falling asleep again or is just so tired that he can’t think of actual words to respond with. Tonight, I’m confiscating his phone so he can get a decent night’s sleep. He’s been playing games on his phone every night since he’s gotten back. I don’t know what game has got him in a chokehold, but he needs to rest.
After I finally finish my hair, I lead Felix out of the bathroom and drag him back to bed. He spreads himself across the mattress without any argument and slowly falls back to sleep. I make my way to the kitchen and make a quick breakfast for Felix. He’s probably going to sleep until I get back, but this is just in case he wakes up hungry in a few hours. I put it in the fridge with a note before walking back to the bedroom. I gently shake Felix awake. I don’t want to wake him, but I know he’ll be sad if I left while he was still asleep.
“Bye, Lix. I made you some breakfast to eat if you wake up hungry. It’s in the fridge. I love you.” I softly kiss his cheek.
“I love you too. Send Minjun and Hae-Won my love.” Felix leaves an even softer kiss on my cheek before he melted back into the bed.
***
“How’s Yongbokkie, Y/N?” Hae-Won asks, taking a sip of her lemonade. She tucks a loose strand of her long pink hair behind her ear.
We had been hanging out for about half an hour already, barely getting our breakfast in front of us a few minutes ago. Not realizing how much talking and laughing took out of us, we spent the first few minutes just eating before we resumed conversation.
“He’s doing great! He’s been over at my apartment a lot more since he started his break.” I shovel another bite of food into my mouth.
“I don’t know how he does it, man. I would be falling apart if I were him.” Minjun sighs, leaning back into his chair.
“Hey, I’m not that annoying!” I playfully slap Minjun’s arm and give him a warning sign.
“I’m not talking about you, dumbass. I’m talking about all the hate he’s getting.” My smile drops.
“What?” I whisper. I knew that Felix has received hate in the past, it’s a flaw that comes with his job. But I thought it died down over time. I haven’t seen anything being directed at either of us. Honestly, how could anyone hate Felix, he’s a literal ball of sunshine. How could I not have known that things were starting up again and that they were bad? Has he been reading comments late into the night instead of playing games?
“If I were him, I would have offed myself by now.” I know Minjun doesn’t mean it seriously. It’s how the three of us joke, but it’s anything but funny.
“Minjun!” Hae-Won elbows Minjun in his ribcage and points at me.
“I… I have to go.” I scrambled to gather my things and pull some money out for my food, placing it next to my plate.
“Y/N, I didn’t mean anything by that—” Minjun grabs my arm and shoots me an apologetic smile.
“It’s fine. I know you mean no harm. I just… I need to go home. Can we reschedule?”
“Yeah! No, go take care of what you need to take care of.” Hae-Won pulls Minjun’s hand off of me and gently pushes me away.
***
When I get home, the living room and kitchen look just as I left it a few hours ago. Felix must still be in the bedroom. I set all my stuff down on the couch and walk to the kitchen to get myself something to drink before going to confront Felix. When I open the fridge, the breakfast I made Felix sits untouched.
He’s probably still asleep. That’s why he didn’t eat.
On the way back home, I replayed every interaction I’ve have with Felix ever since he came back from tour. There were so many little signs that I didn’t pick up on. So blissfully unaware that he’s been suffering this entire time. I don’t think Felix’s eating a full meal the entire time he’s been here. And if he did, it’s because he put small portions on his plate. We would be so busy talking that I never realized that he shuffled the food around his plate to simulate like he’s eaten more than he had. He’s also been clinging on me more than usual. Lix is big on skinship so I never thought anything about it. He’s usually extra clingy when we’ve been apart for a long time, but looking back at it, it feels different this time.
Am I such a bad partner that I didn’t realize my own boyfriend was suffering this entire time? The second I even think about feeling sad, Felix is right there to cheer me up. Even when we’re apart he always calls or sends a text at the perfect moment. It’s like he’s inside my brain with me. I’m not even allowed to read comments about myself online. After the first few times I read something negative directed towards me, Felix went through all my social media and blocked any and every keyword he could think of to prevent anything from showing up on my feed. He even made sure to block all of that from showing up on my trending pages.
I open the bedroom door quietly, hoping to find Felix still fast asleep. Instead, Felix is sitting hunched over staring at his phone with his back towards me. My eyes start to sting at the sight. No, do not cry. This is not about you.
“Lix,” I climb the bed and crawl to him. Snaking my arms around his waist, I slide his phone out of his hand and press my face on his spine. He jumps at my sudden appearance.
“Fuck,” his hands find mine and he tries to twist around to see me, “what time is it?”
“Around 9:30,” I mumble into his back.
“What are you doing home so early? What happened?” He tries to pull my arms off of his waist so he can turn to me. I tighten my grip. I know he’s been crying. If I look at his face right now, I’ll start crying too and then he’ll try to comfort me. I want to comfort him.
“Can you please not worry about me for once?” I turn my head to the side so I know he can hear me loud and clear.
“What? What’s going on?”
“Why didn’t you come to me and tell me about all the hate you’ve been getting?” He finally manages to wiggle out of my grip and faces me.
“You know?”
“I only just realized. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to notice.” I give him a soft smile. His face is red and splotchy. I don’t know how long he’s been up, but he’s been crying for a while.
“You didn’t notice because I didn’t want you to.” He strokes my hair, leaving his hand to rest on my cheek.
“You may have not wanted me to notice, but maybe I didn’t want to believe that my boyfriend would hide his pain instead of coming to me.” I bring my hand to his and slowly rub my thumb back and forth.
“It’s not that I didn’t want to come to you. It’s just…” Tears start falling down his face. I take my free hand and start wiping them away.
“What is it?” I bite my tongue to keep myself from crying but I feel my eyes and my nose burning at the sight of Felix being in pain.
“I’m trying, all the time, but it’s just too hard. It’s draining me. I can’t be the personification of the sunshine that you and everyone expects me to be. I want to, but I can’t.” He sobs.
“Oh my sweet angel,” I pull Felix into a hug, resting his head in my chest, “you don’t have to be. The sunshine gets blocked by cloudy days sometimes and that’s okay, the world isn’t going to end. You’re allowed to be sad and not okay. You don’t have to be perfect.”
“But you deserve someone who's perfect.” He mumbles against my chest.
“What I deserve is you, as you are. I’ll take the good with the bad. You don’t love me any less when I’m not at my best, right?” I pull his head away from me and cup his face, forcing him to look at me.
“Of course not,” I press a kiss to his tear stained, freckled cheek.
“And I don’t love you any less when you’re not at yours. Rest now, my Bokkie, I’ll take care of you.”