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Dan Heng saw the way Stelle looked at him when Jing Yuan introduced his friends to him, not in his usual form–but his Vidyadhara form.
The form he kept hidden away from everyone.
That surprise etched into her golden eyes as they stared at him. He only stared back at her, his own bright teal eyes contrasting against her own.
He saw the way March 7th and Stelle held out their hands to him, voting to help Jing Yuan at the prompt of Welt.
The Astral Express always did value everyone’s opinions, and it was always the majority vote. It was one of the reasons why he liked the Express, everyone cared for one another.
Yet he wasn’t sure if he’d return just yet. Not like this.
“Dan Heng…?” March asked hesitantly, and he realised he was meant to vote as well.
It was nice of them to still consider his vote. Even under these circumstances. He hesitated for a bit, but came to a decision.
If they wanted to help, so did he.
Despite not remembering his past life well, he still felt this moral obligation to help Jing Yuan. They were old friends apparently, to which he couldn’t remember. Unfortunately he couldn’t return that sentiment of friendship.
He wasn’t Dan Feng, who Jing Yuan saw. Dan Heng only bore his sins and appearance. Nothing else.
He wasn’t anyone’s shadow. He refused to be that shadow.
Dan Heng held out his hand finally, and their faces both lit up. Jing Yuan thanked him, and he suddenly was struck with this odd feeling. It felt sort of familiar, but he refused to acknowledge it. And he sure didn’t show it.
He was surprised–but mostly relieved that they still saw him as Dan Heng. It was still him. Even if he looked a bit different.
Dan Heng was Dan Heng after all. And will always be Dan Heng.
He was even more relieved when March looked at the statue of Dan Feng, which obviously looked like him and thought it was his brother. He appreciated that a lot, March always knew what to say despite her happy go lucky personality and bright words. He’d miss that if he were to not come back.
Dan Heng missed his friends dearly. He was glad he could see them again. They seemed to be doing well, having adventures without him. Although he never thought they would meet like this. Not in these circumstances, not in his original form and especially not before he made his decision.
There was a small reprieve after their whole talk, and he set off to talk to everyone. All were friendly towards him, as if they saw past his whole appearance. He had no qualms now, at least not until he arrived in front of Stelle.
He also saw the way Stelle refused to talk to anyone.
Not even to him.
She was just standing, her gaze focusing on the ocean in front of her. No trash digging, no anything. A small breeze wafted through, moving her gray hair slowly. It was strange.
It was unlike her.
Dan Heng walked up to her, asking if she had anything to ask him. Stelle had to have questions, it was only natural to be curious about his current appearance.
Why did he hide all this from them? How did he become like this? What was his past? There were many questions she could ask. She’d ask him to explain. It was in her nature to, and she deserved the explanation. He would give her anything she needed, with no hesitation.
No lies or omitting.
To his surprise, she instead shook her head and stared at him blankly, anger filling her eyes. What did he do wrong? From their earlier interactions, she seemed pretty normal. She reacted like usual, and nothing seemed to indicate any anger.
Well, as normal as Stelle can be at least. Stelle was far from normal. She was akin to a raccoon, and Dan Heng found it endearing. It was the makeup that made Stelle who she was.
This wasn’t the Stelle he was used to however. He didn’t know how to deal with her like this. He wished they had a manual for Stelle, one he could read and memorize so he could always know how she felt.
He didn’t press her. If she didn’t want to talk, so be it.
He instead did what he had to do. Despite not having any memories of his past, he still managed to split the sea. As if it was ingrained into him.
He felt so powerful at that moment. It scared him a little, it was one of the reasons why he hid away his true form. He had underlying power, one where he didn’t even know the limits of what he could do.
It was easier to hide it away, to suppress it. He always felt less like Dan Heng and more like his past shadow when he used them.
Dan Heng would talk to her after. There had to be time.
He needed to make amends for whatever he did.
He needed to find out the truth.
Yet….there was no time to talk to her after that either, much to his dismay.
All he got was reminders of his past life. It truly did cling to him like some fleetless shadow. The fine line between Dan Heng and Dan Feng was muddled with every reminder.
Would he ever be able to break those chains on his back?
Or would they always weigh him down? Always trailing behind him and dragging him from time to time, just to remind him that he was never truly free from his past. No matter how hard he pulled, they would never budge.
He didn’t have the chance to truly talk to her until after Jing Yuan passed out–after their fight with Phantylia.
When Fu Xuan and the Cloud Knights arrived, they took them all to the Exalting Sanctum. Jing Yuan was quickly rushed to rest, and the Astral Express were told that they could stay here overnight while the General rested.
There were still things to do within the Xianzhou Luofu after all.
This gave them all time. Time to reconcile properly, for the Nameless to talk to him properly. To face the music regarding himself.
He was sure they all had questions to ask, especially the one concerning himself staying with them. It was a question he’s been pondering for a while now. But he still couldn’t bring himself to make a decision. Those chains would bore into his back, their weight giving him a stark reminder of who he was.
Of why he left in the first place.
Yet Stelle already was gone.
He looked around, but she was nowhere in sight. Even March and Welt looked around, surprise filling their expressions. No one expected her to leave so suddenly. She disappeared so quickly….who was she trying to get away from?
Away from him? Or away from everyone?
It would be easy to just say that she saw a trash can and ran to it. But that would be a lie.
Either way, it made him avert his eyes at the realization.
What did he do?
Was it because of the fact he hid his original appearance from her?
Was that the reason why she was angry earlier?
It always did hurt for a friend to hide things. Especially something major like this. He had a whole other appearance and history unknown to her. Dan Heng, who she thought of as a friend, suddenly wasn’t the Dan Heng she knew.
It made sense for her to be mad at him. He should have realised. No wonder she didn’t want to talk to him, or anyone.
He gritted his teeth.
He hated it. His past always haunted him, and now it was trying to take away his only family? The only place he felt at home? Where no one condemned him for the sins he never did? The chains burned into his back now, tugging tightly.
He didn’t want to lose his friend. Anything but that. Not again. He couldn’t lose anyone again.
He’d rather die.
“Stelle’s already gone! She’s probably digging through trash again!” March told him, laughing it off. The laugh was quite forced, too high pitched from her usual laugh. The way March’s eyes darted at him when he remained quiet, the poorly masked worry made him feel worse.
It was an attempt to make him feel better, which he appreciated.
But it was a futile one.
His face remained impassive but anyone could tell he was irritated. Without Stelle, they weren’t able to talk properly.
Without Stelle here, the strange Stelle that wasn’t anything like the Stelle he knew, he couldn’t relax.
He needed to talk with her. That’s all he wanted. Rather…he had to. Everything, the chains now cutting through his back all circled back to her. And if he wanted relief, he had to see her.
And it looked like he had to go find her himself if she was persistent in avoiding him. Akin to a game of cat and mouse, but instead with a dragon and raccoon. What a funny picture that was.
“I’ll go find Stelle.” He told March and Welt suddenly, their eyes turning to look at him in such surprise. “I wish to speak to all of the Express together.”
Which wasn’t far from the truth in fact. He did want to talk to all of them, once he dealt with Stelle.
“I’ll help too!” March instantly said, but Welt held out his cane in front of her, blocking her path. Dan Heng himself was going to make some excuse to go alone, he wasn’t sure if he could handle losing two of his friends.
“Dan Heng will be fine on his own. Isn’t that right?” Welt’s knowing eyes pierced through him, he knew what Dan Heng wanted. Was it that obvious? It didn’t matter.
He always knew.
“But! Two heads are better than one!” March protested, looking at Welt with a pout.
Sorry March. I would let you ordinarily. But this…I need to do alone. I need to fix whatever I did wrong.
“Dan Heng knows this place better than us. Let him find her.” Welt explained, and March sighed, opening her mouth to argue further. But she glanced back at Dan Heng, and sighed. She held her hands up in a sort of mock surrender.
Thank you.
“Okay. You better find her Dan Heng!” March pointed at him, and he nodded, making a quiet promise.
I promise. I’ll bring her back. Back as the Stelle you always knew.
He was thankful to Welt for not disclosing what his true intention was. And for helping him here, he owed Welt Yang right now. And Welt will definitely ask for a favor in the future from him, Dan Heng could see it clearly.
The price you pay sometimes.
Regardless, he would bring back Stelle for March.
For himself.
“Now go! Bring her back!”
With March’s prompt, he set off quickly. He could see March waving her hands widely, cheering him on. He could see Welt’s knowing gaze trained on his form as he left. His movements were elegant yet brisk, reflecting how he felt. Anyone could see he was a man on a mission, one that no one should cross at this moment.
To find Stelle, he had to think like Stelle. That wasn’t hard, thankfully. Find a trash can and she’ll be there. Not a hundred percent of the time but the probability was always very high.
March coined that in fact.
Yet even with that….she could be anywhere within the Xianzhou Luofu. Even with the extensive knowledge he had of the place, it would still be a challenge. Stelle wasn’t going to make it easy either. He knew that from the beginning. How far would she go to hide from him?
What if he couldn’t find her? That was a possibility. The chains seemed to press down just a tad more, taunting him.
He banished that thought process immediately. There was no need to spiral down that path. Why give up before even starting the search? He started within the Exalting Sanctum. She couldn’t have gone too far from their initial position.
He ran past all the shops, his teal eyes scanning for that cobalt hair or those golden eyes he knew all too well. Maybe she stopped for a snack, or thought that the crowds would hide her away. The chains tried to remind him otherwise, but he attempted to ignore them.
Dan Heng saw long cobalt hair from the corner of his eye. He stopped in place, turning quickly. Was that Stelle?
The chains yanked him tightly.
He turned back around.
It wasn’t Stelle. Just someone that had the same hair and eye colours. Of course. It could never be that easy. Life would be so much easier if things could just work from the beginning.
Just his luck.
He searched all over the place, and yielded no results. He even checked out all the trash cans, but there was no Stelle.
Nothing. That was fine. It was only the start. She may have headed out of the area. Dan Heng needed to tell March that her whole trash fact thing was wrong. But this wasn’t the usual Stelle either.
Where are you, Stelle?
He moved out to the Stargazer Navalia. Stelle may be digging through some trash there. Maybe there was some sort of system in choosing which trash cans to go through. Not that he would ask her, that was beneath him. He didn’t need to know. It was weird enough to go through the trash.
At that moment though…..he wouldn’t mind. Anything was better than the Stelle he was seeing now.
Nothing again unfortunately. She wasn't there. That was fine too. There were still other areas of the Xianzhou Luofu.
His search only continued. It was all fine.
He’d find her.
March was counting on him.
He’d bring her back.
He had to.
Yet as he searched and searched, bearing no results every time, he became more and more desperate.
His movements became more rash, his teeth gritted tight. His hands were balled into tight fists, knuckles going white as more time passed. It didn’t help that the citizens stared at him. Some even glared at him. Of course they recognized him. Hard not to. His original form was an exact resemblance to Dan Feng.
Yet couldn’t they mind their own business? Ignore him?
He knew why though. Because of a crime he never committed, chained up for something he didn’t even remember doing and because he was exiled from this place, never meant to return.
Because he was him.
Every stare, every glare only made those invisible chains heavier and heavier.
He was going to go crazy. How could it be this hard to find one girl? Especially Stelle? She was unique in every way, quite literally and figuratively.
Where was she? She couldn’t have disappeared from the face of the universe. That was impossible.
Could he….really not find her?
He stood in place at that realization. Was his efforts all for nothing? Did she really not want to see him? Dan Heng couldn’t ignore those chains anymore.
They yanked at him hard, telling him how it all was his fault. That the past he tried to hide, to run away from, caused him to lose a precious friend. She was angry, and it wasn’t even his fault.
It wasn’t his fault. It can’t be his fault.
It’s not his fault he looks like this. This is why he ran away. This is why he hid everything from them.
If they learnt what kind of criminal he was…they’d leave him. It already happened. Stelle was gone.
Those thoughts from earlier spiraled out of control.
He was drowning.
Why couldn’t I find her?
Deeper.
I’m sorry March.
And deeper.
I promised I’d bring her back. And I couldn’t even do that.
How useless am I?
And deeper he went.
Stelle…..I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for lying to you.
Don’t go.
The invisible chains were excruciating, condemning him for his sins. He now had a new one to his long list that wasn’t even his to begin with.
Being unable to find his dear friend in this godforsaken place.
Why not? It’s not like another one would change anything.
He set off running. Trying to get away.
From himself?
From his past? His present? The unknown future?
From the chains that pulled harder and harder with every step?
Who knows.
But he never stopped running.
He never stopped running.
He was always running.
Dan Heng was the epitome of failure and he didn’t deserve anything. Is that why they kept him locked up? Why for the entirety of his life, he was chained up with only books as a way to pass the time?
No wonder they kept him locked up in that damn prison.
He had enough sins to make a party. A desolate party with him as the birthday boy.
Celebrating sins he never did.
Happy Birthday to me.
He has never celebrated his birthday in fact. Only another depressing fact.
He only stopped running because he hit water. He could have run on top of it. He probably had the power.
How far did he run? Where was he even? Important questions that should be running through his head, but he didn’t care.
Why should he?
Who cares.
His teal eyes were jaded with darkness, and they stared at the sea blankly. Would anyone miss him if he simply parted the sea and left? His right hand lifted up a bit, almost wanting to do it.
Of course they would. His beloved friends would. His family would. It would be so selfish. But couldn’t he be selfish for once in his life?
It was so tempting. So damn tempting. The water didn’t help either. It called for him.
Asked for him to drown.
His reflection wasn’t him on the water’s surface.
Why couldn’t he see himself in the reflection? Why wasn’t it him?
Who is that? That….stranger-
“Dan Heng.”
Those thoughts were suddenly cut with his name.
He knew that voice. It was the one he was searching for.
He turned instantly. Teal eyes widened in recognition. The darkness clouding them lifted with every blink.
It was. It was. It was.
The chains released their grip slightly.
Without a second thought, he ran.
Desperately.
This had to be real. He wasn’t hallucinating….right?
He prayed he wasn’t.
But they were still there as he approached closer and closer. Golden eyes widened as he bounded towards them. He gripped the owner of the voice tightly, his arms clamping around them in a bear hug.
“Stelle!”
He didn’t let go.
He refused to let go.
He didn’t fail.
“It’s okay. It's all okay.” Stelle whispered, “I’m here.”
She was here. She was here. She was here.
His grip tightened around her. They were silent, only his breaths could be heard, mixing with the crash of the waves hitting the shore. She didn’t leave him.
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please don’t leave me again.
“I’m sorry.” He heard her say after a while, almost hesitantly. “I wasn’t really mad at you.”
He didn't respond. He only opted to listen to her. Let her say what she needed to say. He would take any explanation.
He needed to know the truth.
You didn’t leave me because of my past. Please tell me you didn’t. I….
“I was just being….petty. Because you weren’t responding to my messages….” She looked away as she said it. “Stupid isn’t it?”
Stelle wasn’t mad about him hiding his true form. He had the entirely wrong idea. He let out a shaky exhale, relief flooding his body.
She didn’t hate him.
It wasn’t my fault.
The messages wouldn't send.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’d never mean to hurt you.” She whispered, and he looked up at her. Dan Heng stared at her face, that familiar face that looked so sad. He’s never seen her look so sad before.
It was okay.
Please don’t look so sad. You didn’t mean anything bad.
His hand reached for her cheek, gently returning her gaze to him. He needed her eyes on him. To see him for who he is.
“I know.”
They gazed into each other’s eyes. Those golden eyes still held such sadness, but she took a deep breath. He listened intently to whatever she was going to say next.
“I actually headed back to where you all were. I felt silly running away. For something like that? But when March told me you were looking for me, I ran.” Stelle started telling him, and his face morphed into surprise.
You came back….and I was gone instead. I’m so sorry Stelle.
“I didn’t want you to get the wrong idea. I didn’t want you to never find me.” She leaned into his hand a bit, looking at him with sad eyes. It was a bit too late for that though. Dan Heng was all wrong about everything.
Misunderstandings were the worst. He learnt that first hand.
“But I couldn’t find you. I looked all around for you.”
Parallels. How he couldn’t find her, she couldn’t find him. What if their paths never crossed? He would have done something he would have regretted. Something that he could never take back. He hated how he could think like that.
“I saw you running suddenly. You looked so upset Dan Heng. And I…”
She closed her eyes, seemingly lost in thought before opening them again. “I followed you here. The way you were standing….I thought you would leave.”
Her face crumpled a bit after saying that. And it made him feel terrible.
I won’t leave you. As long as you don’t leave me. You’re precious to me, Stelle. More than you think.
“Always stay with me.” Dan Heng told her after some silence, his teal eyes piercing into hers. Stelle’s eyes widened in response. He meant it, he knew she could see it in his gaze. He uttered four simple words, but they held a lot of meaning.
He was asking Stelle for something that might be impossible. Yet, he couldn’t help but ask this of her. He was being selfish, this time for the right reasons.
She then nodded against his cheek, leaning into it again.
“Always.”
His heart fluttered.
He reluctantly let go of her, and they both looked towards the horizon. A light breeze picked up around them, making their hair fly back. He peered down at his reflection, and he saw himself with Stelle.
Not that stranger from before. The chains were loosening by every second. He now knew it wasn’t because of his past. His past didn’t change anything. He didn’t lose anyone again.
“We should head back, March must be worried sick.” Stelle told him, “She probably thinks I got lost in a trash can again.”
If only that was the truth.
“It is something you’d do.” Dan Heng told her instead, and she pouted. It was adorable.
“Don’t agree with me!”
Even after all that, she still treated him the same. That mere act meant so much to him, more than Stelle would think.
“Except….do you know where we are?” Stelle asked sheepishly, and Dan Heng looked around. It was familiar. He knew where they were. It was impressive he was able to run all the way here in fact.
A rare positive of being in his original form.
“I do. I know the way back.”
“Then escort me! I’m precious cargo after all.” Stelle stepped in front of him, grinning.
Precious cargo huh? That was the truth though, she held a Stellaron within her. It was an unstable artifact, and she needed to be treated with care….or precious cargo then, in her words.
And he couldn’t bear to see her leave him again.
They promised to stay together.
“If you say so. Then allow me.” Dan Heng took her hand suddenly, squeezing it. “To make sure you don’t slip away from me again.”
A blush rose on Stelle’s cheeks, as she looked at his hand. She had such an adorable expression on her face at this moment, he wished he could take a picture. He understood why March was always so insistent on taking photos. She looked back up at him, a smile gracing her lips.
“Hold on to me tight then.” Stelle told him, tugging him a bit towards her. He gave her a nod, and he gently pulled her forward.
They headed back together, hands held tightly for the entire time. The way Dan Heng was holding onto her hand, it was as if he was afraid of her disappearing.
And that wasn’t far from the truth in fact. Having Stelle’s warm hand intertwined within his own made him feel safe. He didn’t want to lose this feeling.
March was the first to see them approaching, rushing up to them. “Dan Heng! Stelle! There you two are! I was so worried after….”
Her voice trailed off as she zoned in on one specific area. The one concerning their hands and the fact that they were intertwined. Her eyes lit up, her hands rushing to grab the camera she always had on her person.
“You guys are holding hands?! Don’t mind if I do!”
She instantly took a photo before anyone could protest. A loud shutter noise was heard, and he only blinked. How else was he meant to respond to March taking a sudden picture?
March held the camera next to her head, grinning.
“Good job Dan Heng. You did it.”
And he wasn’t sure what exactly she was referring to.
Eyes fell on them, particularly Welt’s all knowing ones. He let go of her hand instantly, coughing a bit in embarrassment. He glanced over at Stelle, who only asked March for the picture after they were free. He sighed, of course Stelle was conspiring with March.
March was still March. And Stelle was still Stelle.
It was like old times, as if he never left.
“I’ll send it to you too, Dan Heng! Didn’t forget about you.” March told him earnestly, noting how he was staring at them talking.
Dan Heng crossed his arms. It was definitely like old times.
“I don’t need it, March.”
“You say that now, but I know you want it. Can’t hide anything from me!”
He was going to retort back, but Welt stepped closer to them.
“Now now, March. Let Dan Heng be. He found Stelle.” Welt interjected, deciding to join in on the conversation like usual. She turned to look at him with a pout, hands on her hips.
“I know he did! I believed in him all the way!” March huffed. “You know this Mr Yang!”
It was nice to know that March believed in him so much.
“I do. But I believe Dan Heng deserves a thanks, don’t you?” Welt suggested, and March gasped loudly. Dan Heng slightly cringed at how loud the gasp was. He wouldn’t miss March’s loud gasps. Not at all.
“Right! How could I have forgotten? Thanks Dan Heng!”
“It’s no problem.”
He played it off casually like usual. But he felt this warmth inside at being thanked. He was never thanked for anything in his original form. He got no thanks in the Shackling Prison, no thanks when he was exiled. Who would thank a criminal? The only times he got a thank you was when he changed his appearance, ran away from various places and joined the Astral Express.
And that’s all he expected, but suddenly the others started thanking him too.
“Thank you, Dan Heng.”
That was Welt. He looked at Welt, giving him a simple nod. He couldn’t show his emotions. He had to keep them in control. Welt returned the nod, his eyes saying it all.
“Thank you.”
That was Stelle. All this thanking was normal. He deserved all the thanks he was getting. He nodded at her, and she smiled back in response. The chains on his back slackened, giving him some much needed relief. Maybe one day, his chains will disappear. He awaited the day.
Everyone looked at him with a smile. That same smile they always gave him when they talked to him, and from that moment, he decided.
“Like I said. No problem.” He told them, but his thoughts were completely different. Welt’s smile seemed wider though, as if he knew already.
I’ve decided. I want to stay with them.
Forever.
I can’t imagine a world without them.
A smile crossed his face as his gaze lingered on Stelle.
I can’t imagine a world without her.