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You can’t sleep again. Not unnatural for you, but… it is a bit harder with someone else hanging around.
It’s not my fault you can’t just knock out like Sans does.
A scowl twists your previously stoic face, ruining your time streak of over several hours without a single microexpression.
Six hours and twenty minutes, by the way.
Fuck. You were really bad at keeping a poker face. Sans’s face seemed like it’d be perpetually stuck in the same sour expression forever when you first woke up as him, but as the day progressed… it got really hard not to grimace or react to the frankly concerning and foreboding things that Xhara would do or say. He knows you don’t belong here, and that there’s something… wrong with Sans. You’ve been thoroughly interrogated and investigated over existing, but the most you can tell him is… ‘I don’t know.’
You roll over onto your side, away from the corpse-like, soldier’s sleeping position. You never were much of a back-sleeper. It was probably better for your spine and would be better for Sans’s, but you just didn’t feel comfortable. At least that didn’t change when you moved bodies. Ugh. That was so weird to think about…
Yeah. Consider how I feel, no body, new roommate, the other one just disappears completely. What the fuck, right?
You didn’t do any of this on purpose. All you did was go to sleep in your own bed one day, and then you woke up in an endless white hellscape with an inescapable roommate. Forever. All your privacy, gone. Now you can’t even have intrusive thoughts about-
Just so you know, I can’t hear your thoughts or whatever, but you are super suspicious with how awkward you’ve gotten.
Perfect. You don’t need Xhara knowing about your gay thoughts.
What?
Nothing.
You roll back over onto your other side, on the temperature-less, flat, blank ground.
It’s so fucking hard to sleep in the Antivoid. It’s like being in a cafeteria or a stadium with white LED floodlights on all sides, including the floor, and even when you shut your eyes (you’re surprised you could do that,) everything still feels… wrong.
‘Wrong.’ Psh.
At least that’s one thing you both-or all of you-have in common, right? You’re all displaced from a world that you no longer have access to. Though you’re not sure how well it’d go over for you to say that to Xhara. He’s already temperamental enough, and when you first woke up in this place, he tried to manipulate you into giving over control to him. Apparently, Sans could just sleep and he’d be able to take over, but when you tried to sleep at all… you just… well. It wouldn’t work, that’s it. You even laid on the floor and meditated in complete silence with Xhara for hours, and you just… couldn’t sleep.
Much to Xhara’s outrage.
Listen to me, you little body-snatching freak.
That’s a really frank name for someone with the exact same role.
Shut up.
You literally couldn’t. Incapable of doing so.
His voice turned sweetly placating. You would never be fooled again, especially after his meltdown when his little ‘shhh go to sleep’ trick didn’t work. You caught on quickly to his schemes after you realized what would happen.
I know you don’t want to be here anymore than I do, but with my ability, I can at least make us comfortable. If you’d just give over…
He wasn’t even listening to a single second of your inner monologue, which probably proves that he wasn’t able to hear your disturbing and chaotic thoughts-but also makes you feel somehow exasperated at having to explain yourself twice in your own brain to your… brain ghost. Soul leech. Parasite man. Boy man. Guy.
“Are you a boy… or a man?” You squinted at the apparition of Xhara, which laid face-down on the floor of the Antivoid. He groaned loudly, slapping the ground with his little white hand. Poor guy, ceaselessly tormented by the ever constant barrage of your thoughts and questions without end… he was just so funny to prod a reaction out of.
I’m a grown fucking man, he protested, as if the cursing would somehow prove that he was not a prepubescent looking teenager. With a goofy haircut. Seriously, white hair? You would have had that haircut when you were sixteen, too, if you were still a weeb. You definitely did have uneven bangs, though white hair was out of your reach.
“Yeah right. Try again.” You rolled over once more, as if this would do anything. Part of you was still anxiously waiting for XGaster to just crash through the emptiness and maul you with his huge fucking knife hands for daring to interfere with his questionably beloved creation, but still nothing. Maybe you were supposed to be here.
Wasn’t that a thought? XGaster found a way to interact with your world, a world that saw him and his creations as drawings on paper-and he stole you. Just snatched you out of your body, did some weird magic-code bullshit, and now… here you were. Even though you’ve never seen him or spoken to him, you can feel the near physical weight of his invasive observation. Like someone had planted a camera in your eye while you were asleep. You briefly questioned Xhara in the beginning to see if he also was aware of XGaster spying on you both. At least you could both bond over being mutually uncomfortable with him.
Wasn’t someone supposed to come and… do something? Anything? You couldn’t just let yourself out of this empty AU, could you? You weren’t especially interested in Xtale before you were dragged here, and didn’t remember most of the information your friend had cheerfully info dumped onto you in a late night call. In your defense, it was late, and it was a lot of information to process-but also, at least you remembered the basics? The most main events that occurred in the Xtale timelines… well, maybe it didn't matter anymore. Because you had shown up right after the entire world disappeared, along with Sans-before he could really become Cross.
You could still recall the gut-wrenching horror in his words. His voice-your voice, now-screaming out the words: “Everything! Everything for nothing !” It was the first thing you heard when you woke up, your mouth opening and closing, shaping the words without a single sound. You had imagined him saying that before sleeping, thinking of it as something cool, and now you were him.
Are you looping back into an identity crisis again?
Yep.
Ugh. Just stop thinking about it, you’re making my head hurt just from all the issues coming off of you. I don’t want to deal with it. Just being with you makes me feel cramped and crowded.
He made you sound like some kind of rude and obnoxious boulder he had to roll up and down a hill.
Xhara snorted, and you hoped your amusement wasn’t too visible. Xhara was like a feral cat that wanted to kill you, but you just wanted to be his friend. Even if he kind of tried to take away all your bodily autonomy the moment he met you, by gaining your trust while highly vulnerable and then deceiving you.
That’s because you are a boulder. Do you want to really know how long we’ve been stuck here, since your ‘creation?’
Ignoring that boulder comment. How was he even able to tell?
Magic. He deadpanned.
Wow. Dumb question.
No, dumb questioner.
You were going to have such a time stuck for eternity with this guy. And you couldn’t even sleep to get away from him. At this point you’d willingly just let him do it, if he could just leave you alone for five minutes and stop insulting you. Your fragile ego was already in pieces. And you still felt a little butthurt about how he tried to, y’know, turn you into a brain ghost. The thought was jabbed at him.
Are you done? His voice was suddenly dark. You stared at the white ground before you, aware of him looming over your shoulder. Even though you couldn’t see him, you could feel in your soul-your conjoined soul-how he gritted his teeth. It was… uncomfortable. You were separated for sure, you could tell where your thoughts and feelings began and his did, but… you could never ignore them. You were always distantly aware of every aspect of his existence, as he was you.
Are you done having your pity party? Can you get over yourself and stop moping?
Moping?
You sat up and turned to look over your shoulder with a scowl.
He wanted you to get over the first and only person you trusted in this terrifying, empty place deceiving you to steal a body that wasn’t even yours in the first place? He wanted you to just get over all of this-this bullshit?
You leaned forward as you continued to throw your thoughts at him like knives, pressing your mouth into a thin line. Xhara stared back, his lips peeled back into a sneer. He refused to budge even as you broached his space.
You didn’t even know what your own name was, you didn’t remember anything valuable about your life before this beyond your previous, vague recollection of this world as a story! You-
You died. Not really, but you died to yourself.
You’ve forgotten, or been forced to abandon, everything of who you were before you became this. Now, you were a fucking nobody with no history or background to your name. Except that you didn’t belong here, and this wasn’t your body.
Nothing.
Your shoulders were shaking. Not with tears or sadness or despair, but with rage. Xhara’s sneer was slowly falling off his face, replaced with discomfort. You continued to sling him your every thought.
You were nothing. All you knew now was that you were something, maybe even someone, before this-and now you were nothing. Perhaps you should have felt resigned or defeated about it, but it only made you feel angrier. You had spent enough time when you first got here feeling bad for yourself and mourning who you were-or could have been-but you couldn’t bear to feel sad when some asshole you were stuck with was jabbing you for just that perfectly reasonable reaction.
Bitterly, you thought that your new name, or not new at all name could be something like that. Blank, or White, or Pale, whatever the hell else. The only thing that defined you was how you weren’t supposed to exist. You could even call yourself Error, if you wanted. Mistake.
Cross .
Maybe you could call yourself that, after all.
Xhara looked slightly chagrined as you realized he had heard everything. Perks of being stuck in the same body. Both of you looked away from each other.
You rubbed your face, glad that at least Sans’s body didn’t angry-cry like you used to. That would just be one more pathetic point to the sad, soggy replacement that you turned out to be. How did you even manage to make one of the meanest, most manipulative people you’ve just met look so awkward?
What even was his deal? Why did he say that? Fine, you were both stuck in a situation you didn’t want to be in. You didn’t understand why he was taking it out on you.
Xhara leaned back from you and folded his arms across his chest. His black sleeves were stark against the white of his clothes, his mismatched eyes narrowing. Your own mirrored him, your hackles rising in defense of whatever he might say next.
I’m… I’m not trying to take it out on you. I’m sorry.
You didn’t trust how sincere his apology could be, but didn’t make any move to be rude about it. Even though you were pretty sure you didn’t throw that thought at him, he gave you a Look like he knew anyway.
I know you’re some stranger who got pulled into this mess without any say in doing so. He paused, rubbing his face. He briefly closed his eyes. I know you’re just trying to be my friend… and in another world, or another life, we probably could have been friends.
You raised a browbone with a grimace.
Okay yeah, no fucking way. You’re annoying as hell. But bear with me for a second, he rolled his eyes. You scrunched your face up, but listened. This was about to be some total bullshit, you just knew it. He was going to probably try and make you feel guilty for getting mad or something. But you had nothing else you could do, anyway, so you just laid back down on your back. With a rustle, Xhara laid beside you, the two of you with your hands folded one over the other on your stomachs.
If I get control, he started, and you groaned loudly. Shut up! Shut the fuck up, let me talk!
You rolled your eyes the best a skeleton could. Without any. He was going to go on and on about the stupid ‘let me have control’ thing again, even though you both knew that it didn’t work anymore for some reason beyond your understanding.
This is why we don’t get along, it’s because you won’t let me just talk!
He was just going to try and manipulate you again, why would you want to listen?
Xhara heaved a great big sigh, folding his skinny arms over his chest. You listened for five seconds, and then gave up as soon as I tried being direct about what I wanted. Maybe that’s why I tried deceiving you, ever thought of that?
That didn’t make any sense.
Aghhh! You’re even too stupid to try and manipulate! Xhara screeched, and then dragged his hands down his face. I don’t even know why I’m still trying! It’s been months, and you haven’t slept at all! Nothing is working!
Months…?
You’ve been stuck in this place for months?
Yes, you idiot, and I can’t believe we’re still here! If you’d just let me out, I could have gotten us out of here already, but we’re stuck! We’re stuck because of you! That’s why I’m angry, that’s why I’m taking it out on you, it’s because it’s your fault!
It was your turn to stare as dark tears fell from his eyes. His form warped with his emotions, fingers growing claw-like and sharp, grabbing you and digging into your shoulders as he screamed. His mouth stretched far and his teeth moved with them, a smear of pure black pain and hatred. His voice resounded like a knife against the bone, digging in with every word and hacking away at you. He sounded shattered, halfway between crying messily and guttural, incomprehensible rage.
You showed up and you ruined everything! At least with Sans, I could work with him somehow, I knew him and- and there’s nothing I can do about you but listen to you whine about how sad you are-when I lost everything , and you don’t even know what you lost! He snarled. You felt your soul squeeze in your chest. He pressed closer, tears dripping onto your face as he pinned you to the Antivoid floor, halfway looming over your prone form. You were so stunned by the sudden, volatile flare of wrath he was expressing that you didn’t think to push him away.
That’s what’s so frustrating! You don’t even have anything to lose, because there’s nothing there to begin with! How can you even feel sorry for something you didn’t get a chance to lose?
Then, he grew silent, and the corners of his mouth turned upward in a smile. He paused, waiting for you to respond, and when you didn’t- a slow, shaky giggle fell out of him, and his shivering, pale fingers around your arms tightened. You watched his eyes flicker between red and white and purple.
You’re quiet. Xhara rasped. He drew a shuddering breath. You’re finally quiet. All I had to- to do was just scream and cry at you, and you finally shut up. Finally. And there was the tail end of a dry sob. You stared up, past his white, jagged hair to the again, white and endless ceiling. His head rested on your shoulder. You felt his jaw moving as he spoke, the words captured in the small space between you both.
You’re a selfish, fucked up individual for that, y’know. I almost respect it. Xhara giggled. He sounded delirious, light-headed from all the shrieking. You felt the same, your body weak. Making me cry so you’d finally be quiet, after tormenting me for months with all your noise. I was serious when I told you to shut up all those times. I’m so, so sick of being around you. Even Sans would have been better. You’re the worst person I could have ever been stuck with.
The vitriol from his eyes dripped down against your clothes, staining them black like blots of ink on a paper. You thought of a stilled pen, if only to distract from how badly you wanted to throw him off of you-and simultaneously, awkwardly hold him through his tears. You shouldn’t feel bad for him. You didn’t know if he was acting again, but you wanted to anyway. Maybe it was some remnant of Sans in you, who wanted to comfort him. You knew it wasn’t.
You hesitantly parted your mouth to try and say anything, but he hoarsely interrupted. He sounded like he was on the verge of tears again, and his head was digging into your clavicle, like he was trying to drown everything out. His hair brushed against your chin. It was soft.
Just shut up. Please.
I don’t want to be here anymore. Just please, please pretend to be asleep. So we can both have some peace.
You closed your eyes, shifting so your arms and hands were free at your sides. Xhara didn’t move, though he tensed, like you’d choke him. Maybe you should have. Darkness welcomed you, shielding you at least partly from the blaring light.
You pretended, but you did not sleep.