Chapter Text
When Techno was ten years old he stopped sleeping with stuffed animals.
Before that, bedtime used to be a very stressful time for Techno. His dad would always read him a story before bed. They had a gigantic bookshelf in the living room filled with ancient-looking books. Sometimes Techno would spend hours inspecting the hundreds and hundreds of pages.
Some of the books had a more modern feel. Techno's collection from his younger days stood out with its brightly colored covers and whimsical illustrations. Those were in the bottom left corner of the bookshelf, when he was younger his mum would pick three of the books each week and put them in his room, but she explained that he could always go and get any of the others if he wanted.
As Techno grew older, his parents decided to introduce him to some of the other books, his mum rearranged the bookshelf and put a new set of books next to Techno’s section. Techno was allowed to get any book from the bookshelf he wanted, but every time he tried to look through his parents’ books he got very confused, they were hard to understand and used very complicated words. His dad explained they were books they’d read in university and when Techno was older he would be able to understand them. He also offered to explain what some of the books were about. Techno cherished the moments spent on the sofa with his dad, eagerly absorbing new knowledge, even if he got confused sometimes.
But the new section of books wasn't overly complicated. They had weird words he didn't always understand, but his dad or mum would either explain them to him, or help Techno look them up in the dictionary. The new books were also some of the most ancient-looking ones in the entire bookshelf. They were all different shades of brown and most of them had a few pages that had fallen out and they had to stick back with tape.
“These were your grandfather’s,” his dad said as he showed Techno the new section for the first time “So we have to be very careful with them. Do you remember the stories we told you about ancient Greece?” Techno nodded and he carefully opened one of the books on a random page. It had little annotations on the margins but Techno couldn’t understand the handwriting. “These are some of those stories, it’s Greek mythology. I can help you read them since they might be a little hard.”
So Techno and his dad slowly started to go through all the new books, they read a little bit every night until Techno was yawning. Techno liked that part of bedtime, but after came the hardest bit; Techno had to pick two stuffed animals to sleep with.
It was very complicated since picking more than two meant the stuffed animals would fall out of his bed during the night, but Techno didn’t want the other stuffed animals to feel sad or lonely. This process would often end up in tears.
When Techno finally picked two and tried to sleep he couldn’t though. He would sit anxiously on his bed, worrying his friends would be mad at him for leaving them alone at night. So Techno would quietly stand up and grab all his stuffed animals. After that, he would be able to sleep, but every day he would wake up with most of the stuffed animals on the floor, and he would then feel so bad that they’d had to sleep on the cold floor, he would cry and oftentimes have a meltdown.
And then Techno's dad designed a system. He told Techno to follow him and they sat together at the massive dark oak table in the living room. A bunch of the furniture in the house was very old, Techno remembered one time they had to move one of the cupboards from the kitchen because it had broken. His parents struggled a lot since it was big and very heavy. They explained that old furniture tended to be heavy. Techno thought the living room table must be pretty heavy since it was even bigger and older than the cupboard. The table looked like it could be in an old movie about vampires. Techno’s family only ever used a corner of the table, they all ate next to each other on the right side, and they used the left side for homeschooling him.
But right now they weren’t doing either of those things. With his dad’s help, he drew a rotation chart for the week and made sure all of the stuffed animals had equal amounts of nights with him.
“This way none of them will be jealous or sad, ‘cause they’re all getting equal treatment.” His dad explained. After that was done, he gave Techno another piece of paper that had the names of Techno’s six stuffed animals on it, and Techno’s dad asked him to write each of their favorite colors.
The next day they went to Walmart and picked a pillow or a blanket corresponding to each stuffed animal's favorite color. That night they built a pillow fort next to his bed. Techno’s dad asked him to grab all the stuffed animals and Techno sat on the fort while his dad went and grabbed the chart.
“Here,” He put the chart in the entrance of the fort with a safety pin and they organized the stuffed animals inside. “Now they won't be lonely or sad at night, I bet they love it in there since we put things they would like and we made sure it was all their favorite colors,” Techno snuggled next to his dad on the floor and considered that.
He nodded. “Okay.”
His dad smiled softly. “Today is Wednesday, so it’s Brian and Nina’s turn.”
With the new system, bedtime wasn't so stressful, and Techno started to sleep better, ‘cause he didn’t have to worry about his stuffed animals feeling sad, and he stopped having meltdowns in the mornings.
And then his parents went to jail.
The first thing Techno noticed about foster care was that no one knew how to be nice. They pretended to be kind and welcoming, but eventually, it would be clear it was an act. Techno had to leave most of his stuffed animals behind, he only got to keep three. This meant he couldn’t keep following the rotation chart. The new house also didn’t have a pillow fort. Techno went back to crying every night and every morning.
At first, the foster mum would try to comfort him. She stayed with him until he would stop crying, but she said they couldn’t build another pillow fort since it would take up a lot of space. Techno was confused and upset, that wasn’t true, they could make it smaller since he had fewer stuffed animals now anyways. He would ask every night, and again and again, the answer would be no.
Techno was crying again. He’d woken up to Brian on the floor. The foster parents heard his cries and entered Techno’s room. The foster dad sighed when he saw the little crow on the floor. Techno was about to pick it up and apologize when he grabbed it instead.
“David, please-” His foster mum said.
“No, that’s enough with the stupid stuffed animals, you are way too old to be crying over this and your mum needs to get more sleep, she can't keep staying up every night ‘cause you decided you want to be a brat.” Techno stared, he still felt the tears on his cheeks. “I’m keeping this until you learn to behave.”
“What? That’s not fair! Please give him back.” His parents always said if he wanted something he could ask nicely. He was asking nicely, and it was a very reasonable thing to ask, so there was no reason for him not to listen and give Brian back to Techno.
“Don’t make me take those too.” He threatened. Techno felt like he couldn’t breathe, he tried to reach for Brian.
“Give him back!” His foster dad stepped back.
“You need to learn some manners! Don’t speak to me like that!” Techno whined and felt his eyes start burning again. His crying returned in full force.
“David, maybe we should-” The foster mum interfered.
“He needs to grow up and stop crying about everything like a fucking pansy. Leave him to cry it out and don't give it back until he apologizes.” And so he grabbed her wrist and they left.
They left.
Techno had a meltdown after that, and the following week they sent him away.
He never saw Brian again.
He couldn’t risk the same thing happening to Edward or Steve. After that, he never took the stuffed animals out of his backpack, and he stopped sleeping with them.
That was the first time he was called a pansy in a foster house. However, he learned it was more common for foster brothers to call him that than foster dads. He wasn’t sure what it meant. He looked it up in the dictionary, but he didn’t think it meant a type of flower, since that didn’t make sense in the context he was called it. His first theory was that it was meant to be an insult related to crying. Techno cried a lot, and foster brothers (especially when they were teenagers) would often call him a pansy when he cried. That theory was debunked when he was called it when he was watching my little pony on the TV.
Techno wanted to ask what it meant, but that was the second thing he learned about foster care; adults hated when he asked questions. It took a lot to get used to it, his parents had always encouraged him to ask, and when they didn’t know the answer they would find a way to figure it out together.
There were a lot of weird rules in foster care, Techno never understood most of them, he just got better at pretending like he did.
Techno proceeded to get called a pansy and many other names in all the homes he went to, and he noticed in most foster homes there was this weird power hierarchy that depended on two things; how old and how masculine you were.
Techno had experience being at the bottom. The older kids would usually bully him and steal his things. If he complained to any adult he was made fun of for being too much of a baby, so he wouldn’t say anything, and the cycle would repeat.
When he met Phil and Tommy, Techno thought they were… weird.
Phil was smiling all the time which was slightly creepy, and he’d been very insistent on knocking every time he entered Techno’s room, which was confusing ‘cause he actually wouldn’t enter if Techno didn’t explicitly say he could.
Tommy was loud and talked way too much for a nine-year-old. He was constantly bringing friends to stay over. The kid seemed to need constant social interaction.
Tommy also seemed to have a weird obsession with being a “big man”, which was stupid ‘cause he was nine.
But… Well. Techno couldn’t help but feel like Tommy was definitely much more of a “bigger man” than he was. Tommy rarely cried, he didn’t have a problem making friends, he could play football, and didn’t like stupid princess movies. Unlike Techno.
So even though he was much older than Tommy, Techno couldn't ignore the feeling of being inferior.
Of course, Tommy was really nice, the problem wasn’t Tommy, the problem was that Tommy was everything he was supposed to be.
So Techno decided he was going to become that. Whatever that was.
He started downloading fake (and free) versions of different videogames on his laptop and sat every night at his desk trying to understand how to play the games. He started playing Mario Kart with Tommy until he could win every round. He got into basketball and running and pretended he cared about the school games like everyone else. He pretended he understood the way men seemed to interact with each other; it was normal for boys to make fun of their friends, or to hit each other when they got mad… apparently.
Techno didn’t like it, and he didn’t particularly enjoy spending time with the boys in his class. They weren’t his friends, just kids who seemed to tolerate him, and he was constantly worrying if doing the things he wanted was acceptable enough. He started eating lunch alone and decided he didn’t mind being the quiet kid. He wasn’t being bullied, which was enough for him, and for the first time since his parents went to jail, he had an adult in his life he trusted.
And then he started high school, which meant he had to pick an elective to take in his free period. Techno got really stressed with that, he’d never been good at making decisions.
He talked about it with Phil, and with his encouragement, he picked art. Techno was a little embarrassed but he told the counselor and then there wasn’t going back.
In art class, he met Niki. Well at first Niki was just “the girl with pink hair” that sat next to him. She looked so fucking cool, she wore fun long skirts and she had a pair of jeans that were covered in paint stains. Her Converse had smiley faces drawn on them, but most importantly, she always had a book with her.
Techno didn’t want to be creepy, so he tried not to stare so much, but something about her made Techno want to be her friend.
The teacher entered the classroom fifteen minutes late, like always, and smiled at them. “Okay, everyone! I really liked your photos, I’m still grading some of them, so next class I’ll have them. Now, we are going to start properly with our drawing and painting unit, so today I wanted to make a fun introduction to that. Pick whatever materials you want! And make something fun! No rules, just something you like.”
Everyone seemed excited as they went to the materials closet. Techno sighed in frustration and remained frozen in his seat. He despised it when teachers gave vague instructions like that. The open-endedness of “do whatever” only left him confused, unsure of what exactly he was supposed to do, and somehow would always end with him getting scolded for not following the instructions. He debated on whether he should go up to the teacher and ask for clarifications, she seemed engrossed in something she was reading at her desk, and she was nice but he was scared he might upset her.
That’s when he noticed the girl with pink hair had, like him, remained in her seat. She seemed to be considering her options, looking around the room for some inspiration. Her current read was on top of her desk, but Techno couldn't catch the name of it. That’s when she looked down and a smile appeared on her face.
She opened the book and ripped a page. After that, she grabbed a pencil and began sketching something on the torn page. Techno found himself unable to look away.
“What? Do I have something on my face?” She asked, in what Techno assumed to be an annoyed tone.
“Did you just… rip your book’s page?” The girl shrugged.
“It’s a shit book. Very misogynistic, I think the page will be better used for sketching.” Techno laughed. He wished he was more her, she didn’t seem bothered about what people thought of her.
“That’s so cool. It’s a great idea.”
The girl tilted her head and after a few seconds of uncomfortable silence, she smiled.
“I thought you kinda hated me. You always look weird at me.” Oh god, he was never going to speak to anyone ever again. He felt himself blushing.
“No! I don’t- I’m sorry I just noticed you read a lot and I thought it was cool… sorry.”
The girl smiled more. “I’m Niki. What’s your name?”
“Techno.” Niki opened her book again and ripped another page.
“Wanna sketch with me Techno?” She offered it to him.
“Come on!”
“No.”
“Please?”
“No.”
“Techno, I’ll stop stealing your Nintendo if you do it, please?”
“I have things to do.”
“You can sit in a circle with your loser friends to talk about boring shit any time! Please!”
Phil put the cereal box and the milk in front of Tommy. “Stop bothering Techno, I said I can take you. And don’t be mean.”
Tommy groaned. Techno started cutting his apple. “But Phil! I’ll look like a stupid kid whose dad takes him everywhere!”
Techno didn’t usually mind Tommy’s antics, he was used to them. But Techno’d had his license for over a year and this was the first time Tommy refused Phil taking him somewhere. “Since when do you care what Tubbo thinks about you?”
Tommy groaned again but didn’t say anything this time. Phil took the toast he’d been making and sat down in front of Techno. Phil was a great cook if you asked him to prepare one of the five things he could; noodles (any type of noodles, just any of them), pancakes, toast, sushi, and soup. When Phil stepped out of his comfort zone in the kitchen it was a tragic incident that both Techno and Tommy had to suffer through every time. He didn’t mind eating noodles over three times a week, so he didn’t complain.
Phil’s smile turned teasing. “Tubbo has a new friend and Tommy doesn’t know if he’s jealous or if he likes her.” Phil explained, “So now he cares about being cool.”
“That’s not true! I don’t like Molly!” Tommy grabbed his bowl of cereal and stood up. Techno didn’t flinch. It wasn’t unusual for Tommy to leave the table pretending to be offended when he was just running late, as usual. Tommy was either half an hour late or an hour earlier everywhere, and that was only ‘cause his anxiety was stronger than his ADHD.
“Wait, Tommy, stay for a second,” Techno frowned. Tommy groaned. Again.
“I know, I know, I need to communicate how I’m feeling to Tubbo-” Phil started laughing.
“No, I mean. Yes, you do need to do that, but I want to talk about something else.” Tommy sat down again.
Techno knew how this worked, they’d been fostering emergency teen placements for almost a year now. Phil would sit them down, let them know he’d gotten a call, and ask if they were okay with it. He was very insistent on making sure they felt comfortable with someone new staying in the house (“We can’t help them if we aren’t in the right place,” He’d say. “We have to make sure when they get to us this can be a stable, welcoming place for them to be safe even if it is for only a day or two”) but he did have to answer pretty quickly considering the whole emergency part of the deal.
Looking more carefully at Phil, he noticed he had considerably bigger eyebags than normal. Phil was a weird guy. He was an astrophysicist, Techno didn’t understand much about his job, but he worked from home most of the time, which meant he dressed like a teenager and had maybe one formal shirt. His hair was a little longer than chin length and he often wore it in a messy ponytail. When Techno had decided to start growing his hair during his sophomore year Phil had explained how to take care of long hair. Phil also always looked like he needed to sleep for a year and he could give you a hug at any moment. Overall Phil gave the impression of being the nicest overworked thirty-two-year-old who drank too much caffeine.
Techno’s stomach felt weird, and he dropped the apple. Tommy seemed unfazed. “I got a call just now. There is a kid who needs a placement. Well, there’s- It’s complicated, ideally it would be two kids, a brother, and a sister- I’m trying to get it figured out. He’s sixteen, and she’s six.”
Tommy made a noise. Phil had been taking only emergency placements for teenagers, all of them were over thirteen years old and didn’t stay for over a week.
“At first I was called for the sixteen-year-old, but then they told me they were going to separate them because no one in the area took both teens and kids or had enough space for two, so I said I could consider taking both of them, but-” Phil took a moment. “Well since it’s been tough to place them without separating there’s a chance if we say yes it might be for longer than what we’ve been doing… You two should think about it, yeah? It would be a big change and-”
“Yes. Do it.” Techno said, maybe impulsively. Phil looked at him, he looked hesitant, but also like he could start crying, knowing Phil, that was a very reasonable possibility. Techno rolled his eyes. “They want to separate them. They should stay together, and we have space.”
Phil stayed silent for a moment. “Okay, still, take today to think about it. I don’t have to confirm until tomorrow, okay?”
Niki was holding her phone very close to her eyes. She was sitting in front of the classroom door and her back was resting on the blue lockers. “No, no, no, no!” She repeatedly pressed her thumb into the screen, and after a few seconds, she grumbled something defeated.
“You need to stop getting so stressed about geometry dash,” Techno said.
She looked up at him, immediately lighting up again. She was wearing a pleated skirt and there were a bunch of flowers in her hair. Niki grabbed her backpack and his hand.
“Eret is three levels ahead of me,” she explained, leading him to a random hallway. Techno and Ranboo didn’t like eating in the cafeteria since it was too loud. They went up three sets of stairs, and they found Eret and Ranboo eating sandwiches, in between them, Tommy was laying on the floor.
“What is he doing here?” Techno asked. Tommy had a piece of paper in one of his hands and whined when he heard his voice. Techno sat next to him. “Are you okay? Do I need to call Phil?”
Tommy rolled his eyes and sat. “The stupid fucking arsehole of a professor that the universe cursed me with-” Techno snorted. “He gave me a two! There’s no fucking way! Look at this!” He tossed the paper towards Techno. Techno knew the essay was more than a two, ‘cause he wrote it himself.
“Did she say-”
“Well Mr. Simmons,” Tommy imitated his teacher with a horrible American accent, “If you have more time to write your essays it’s only fair for them to be held to a higher standard! Fucking piece of shit!”
“That’s not how your IEP works,” Eret said. Which was right. Tommy had a longer time to write essays, because of his ADHD. His history teacher had been causing issues the whole year, and Tommy seemed genuinely upset about this.
“Tommy, don’t worry too much about it, overall you are doing good… well, decent in History. We’ll talk about it with Phil today, he can call-” Tommy took the essay and started fidgeting with his fingers.
“Don’t tell Phil,” Tommy pleaded. Techno frowned.
“He won’t be-”
“I know he won’t be mad at me, but he’s like super stressed, did you see him today? He looked exhausted, I don’t want to put more on his plate,” Tommy explained, and he stood up. “Whatever, just forget about it. I have to find Tubbo.”
Tommy did this. He closed off and changed topics when he knew he was going to get called out.
“We’ll talk about it with Phil. You know he’d rather you tell him.” Tommy looked at him like he wanted to punch him. Techno knew he wasn’t actually mad, so he held the stare. Eventually, Tommy sighed.
“Fine, fuck you. And you owe me a ride.”
“Say hi to Molly for me!” He shouted as Tommy left.
“Fuck you!”
Ranboo looked nervously to where Tommy disappeared. “Was he actually mad?”
Niki opened a pack of chips, “No, he was just joking Ran. Who’s Molly? And what’s happening with Phil?”
Techno avoided looking at his friends and focused on grabbing his lunch from his backpack. He didn’t mind talking about foster care with them, but often those conversations made him cry and he didn't feel like going to PE with red eyes. “Molly is his not-crush.” No one said anything, waiting to see if Techno wanted to talk about it. “It’s nothing, we might take in a placement and Phil’s gonna be super busy if we do.”
Niki gave him a chip. “Let us know if there’s anything we can help with.” Ranboo and Eret made agreeing sounds, but no one said anything else.
Techno’s mind wandered to today's breakfast, and how sure he’d been of his answer. He imagined that six-year-old girl who’d already lost her parents and was about to lose her brother too. Techno wondered if his experience in foster care would have been the same if he’d had a sibling.
“Do boys our age ever… scare you?” He asked, lost in thought.
Ranboo and Niki nodded. Eret tilted their head. “All the time. Uh- not you guys though.”
Techno laughed. “Yeah… The possible placement. One of them is a year younger than us, and he’s a boy and I kinda already said yes to Phil, but if I start getting called slurs in my own house again I might start crying and like- never stop.”
Eret made a sound of sympathy. “One of them? Is it more than just him?”
Techno tried to stop himself from whining. “That's the thing! He has a little sister and if we say no they’re separating them.”
“That’s tough,” Nki validated. “But you don’t have to put yourself in an uncomfortable position if you don't feel safe.”
“It shouldn’t be your responsibility to make sure they don’t get separated. I know it sucks though.” Eret agreed.
Techno knew they’d say that, he just wondered if their answer would be different if they were foster kids. He knew his friends tried their best to understand Techno’s childhood, but they didn’t really get a lot of it.
Ranboo started fidgeting with his shoelaces. He was stupidly tall, and half his hair was dyed white, which made him stand out quite a bit, but in contrast, was the quietest person Techo’d ever met. Ranboo was just very shy, but once he felt more comfortable he would speak… sometimes.
“Maybe… I mean there’s a chance he’s nice?” He said, sounding unsure. “I mean if he’s super bad, I’m sure Phil would do something. And you also have Tommy.”
Techno didn’t say anything. He repeated Ranboo’s words over and over again in his head trying to comfort himself, he knew he would be unable to look Phil in the eyes and say no.