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Your name is Jim.
He remembered the man sitting in front of him. Or at least so he thought.
He remembered his name, James Tiberus Kirk. And he remembered he was the captain of the starship he had served on; and he knew had gone through hell to save his life.
But that was where his memory betrayed him, and while he knew he had forgotten so much, it was impossible to retrieve a single one of his memories.
Dying hadn't been pleasant and it had taken so much from him. It had taken away the man he had been, and instead he had returned as an empty canvas, ready to be painted all over again. But the person he had been was gone. And he was never to return, of that he was sure.
Life was a lot harder now that he had to learn everything anew, especially since he had to do it fast. They had a journey ahead of them, their journey back to earth.
He was sitting at a table in a small room of his childhood home he barely remembered, on the other side sat the man he used to call Jim. But now, he was just the admiral. There was no obvious personal connection between them that would have allowed Spock to call the man anything other than admiral, especially not his pet name. But there was a certain feeling attached to him, a feeling he tried to ignore for most of the time because it wasn't logical. A feeling that told him he had once called this man his T'hy'la.
But of that, there was nothing left. And still, he couldn't shake this feeling that he wanted more of him, just as much as he knew the human wanted the same. But for now, he was just one of the people who saved his life. A friend, perhaps. If he'd only understand what friendship really meant. There was some sort of feeling attached to the word, but it didn't fit with Jim. Maybe with Doctor McCoy or Lieutenant Uhura, but really not with Jim. That human was different. He was more than a friend, but he didn't dare to think of him as more. For that, he had to know what had happened between them.
"Spock, did you forget how to play this game?"
The Vulcan looked up to the man named Jim. He had been so lost in his thoughts he had almost forgotten they were having a party of chess.
"Not at all, admiral. I apologize, I have been thinking."
The human on the opposite side of the table nodded, but his expression didn't change. There was a certain sadness written all over his face, a sadness that was only visible to someone who knew him, but if one did, it filled the room, and it hurt. He was hurting. Badly enough for Spock to feel it flooding his body, crushing his bones with the weight of the world. The only question was, why was he hurting? And why was Spock able to feel it?
"Please, call me Jim. I am just Jim. Not the admiral. What have you been thinking about?" he wanted to know, and Spock wasn't sure how to answer that question. What had he been thinking about?
"I assume I was thinking about a lot of things. I can't seem to recall a meaningful thought that would be worth sharing with you. However, may I ask you a personal question, admiral?"
Spock made his move, then patiently waited for the human to make his. He had already noticed that the admiral was pretty good at this game, and as he gave it another thought, a specific memory came back to him.
This is not just a game about logic, Spock. It's also about taking chances.
And then he remembered he had lost every single game he ever played. Not once had he been able to win a game of chess against this human. Fascinating.
"Ask away."
"Pardon me?"
"You wanted to ask me a personal question. I told you it's alright. You can ask me anything."
Spock had been so lost in the thought about losing these games, that he had almost forgotten again that he had just made a request, but it was definitely something he needed to know. He had been meaning to ask it for weeks, but it had never seemed appropriate. But Kirk's misery was so overwhelming that the question about whether it was appropriate or not seemed rather unimportant.
"I can sense that you feel sadness, admiral. It is quite ubiquitous. Would you kindly tell me why you are feeling this way, and if there is a way to make it stop? I know that this emotion is not the preferable state for a human to be in and I would like to help. After all, you have helped me, too."
Jim looked at him as if he had done something wrong, and even Spock was able to see he tried to hold back his tears. Why did it make him feel like he was about to cry as well? Why did his emotions have such an effect on Spock?
He already expected Jim to shrug it off, just shut him down and leave his question unanswered, after all it seemed to make him rather uncomfortable. However, he did receive an answer, and even though it wasn't the answer he had needed, he was glad to receive one either way. It made him understand it a bit, at least.
"Don't you remember anything? About us? About what we've been through? Can't you still feel anything?" the human asked, sounding almost desperate. A part of Spock felt like he simply had to walk up to him and comfort him, but he blamed it on his human half, blamed it on the oh so humane urge to comfort one another physically, while his Vulcan half forbade him to make that move, no matter how much it hurt both of them. They must have been close in their past, and it was obvious that Jim needed it back, but he simply wasn't able to give him what he needed yet.
"I do not know what you are talking about, admiral. Maybe you could elaborate on it to make me understand," Spock suggested, but it only made the human more miserable. He could almost feel his heart shattering as if he was his own, and suddenly he understood what he meant when he had asked if he could still feel something. There was a bond between them, a bond that didn't care about the fact that he lost his memory. And oh god, he would rather die all over again than stand this feeling any longer. And not getting an answer from Kirk only made it worse.
"Please. I am unable to help you if you don't tell me."
Kirk still had his eyes fixated on him, but then he slowly turned away his gaze, making his next move. Two more draws and the game would be over. And Spock would lose again.
"It's not that easy, Spock. You need to remember. You need to be able to make your own decisions. And I need to be patient, it doesn't matter if I'm hurting or not."
Spock made his next move, already knowing he had lost every chance at winning. But at the end of the day it didn't matter. He had already lost something way more valuable than this illogical, unimportant game.
Without waiting for Jim's next move, he knocked over his king, then moved the whole chess game to the side.
"Admiral… I am still able to make my own decisions if you let me in. You seem to know me better than anyone around me. Why will you not tell me what I have forgotten? It is not logical."
Spock got up from his chair and swiftly walked over to the human, halting right in front of him. He was nearly unable to stand the pain he felt the closer he got to him, but still, he didn't just walk away. His eyes were fixated on Jim, and the pull he started to feel was almost unbearable. There was a part of him that wanted to reach out his hand, gently caressing his cheek and tell him that it was alright, that he was still here, but these thoughts didn't make any sense. Why was he so fond of this man, why was there this indestructible band between them that seemed to make them gravitate towards each other? And if all of it was true, if they had really been that close, why did the admiral not simply tell him?
"I can't, Spock. It wouldn't be right. As I said before, you need to remember on your own terms. You need to… I'm sorry, I have to go now."
Almost hastily, Jim got up from his chair and ran out of the room, leaving the confused Vulcan behind.
Spock considered going after him, but something told him he'd only make Kirk more miserable if he did. He needed to remember before he approached him again. But that was exactly the point. There was a large chance he might never remember, a chance that the person he had been was forever gone.
He felt a sting in his heart as this thought crossed his mind, and he knew it wasn't solely his own pain. Jim was crying. No, that was not crying. He was weeping. Grieving. And Spock was grieving too, however illogical that was. Whatever he had lost had been worth more than everything this universe had to offer, and he needed it back. And now that he realized that, he understood what Jim was going through.
Of course now it wasn't hard for him to figure out that there had been more between him and the admiral than a simple friendship, but that had just been the easy part. The hard one was figuring out exactly how deep their bond had been. It was noble of Jim that he didn't want to tell him, that he thought it would manipulate him into making a rushed decision, but maybe that was exactly what he needed to do. Maybe it was time to do something rather illogical.
Spock left the room with a plan evolving in his mind, and for that he had to find McCoy. He was very fond of the Doctor, after all, he had carried his Katra with him for a long time, and maybe that was exactly what could help him. There was a chance that his memories were still somewhere inside his head, and maybe he was able to extract them, provided that McCoy would allow him to meld with him once again.
It didn't take long for him to find the Doctor, who was sitting on the ground a little away from the Bounty , trying to repair his medical tricorder. Spock knew that this thing was damaged beyond repair, but he admired his endurance and somehow wanted to see how long it would take for him to give up.
When he noticed the Vulcan, he gave him a heartwarming smile, greeting him ever so nicely. He was always nice to Spock, and still he sometimes wondered if it had always been that way. There was a hazy memory inside him that told him McCoy hadn't always been so fond of him. But that was just as illogical. At least it didn't matter anymore.
"Hello Spock. Good to see you. How are your marbles?" he asked, and as always, Spock nodded slightly, giving him the same answer as always.
"I do not own any marbles. They are toys for human children, and I am neither of these things. I am here to make a request, Doctor."
The human put the tricorder away, giving his whole attention to Spock instead.
"Sure. Whatever you need."
"Do not be so quick to approve. It is not a small request I am about to make."
McCoy raised an eyebrow at him, and then simply smiled. It was an honest smile, and Spock knew he wouldn't deny his request, no matter what he asked of him.
"Well, just tell me already," he reassured him, turning a little bit further towards the Vulcan. Ever since Spock had lived in his head, the Doctor was so kind to him, maybe because he now understood him a little better. And he was one of the few people Spock really trusted. After all, it had been him he had chosen to store his Katra in. There must have been a reason for that.
"If you insist. My request is concerning the admiral."
"For heaven's sake, Spock. His name is Jim. Stop calling him 'the admiral' like he's not your…" the Doctor started explaining, then abruptly stopped.
The Vulcan tilted his head for a moment, then slowly nodded as if McCoy hadn't just pointed out the problem so clearly.
"That is exactly my issue. I need my memories back. And I had hoped to find them with you. The admiral does not want to tell me what I have forgotten, but his grief is overwhelming to me. I cannot wait for my memories to return naturally, especially since I am not sure if they ever will. If you do not oppose, I would like to initiate another mind meld with you."
McCoy suddenly looked somewhat uncomfortable, letting out a long sigh. Spock wasn't sure what the noise he just made meant, but the human did explain it to him a moment later.
"You can try that. But I don't think it'll get you any further. I don't have your memories, at least not to my knowledge. Never had them as far as I know. But… sure, go for it. If there's a chance this will work I'm up for it."
Spock slowly nodded, knowing the chance to recover what was missing was fairly slim, but he had to try. He had to know. For Jim.
Spock sat down in front of his friend, taking a deep breath. Gentle, long fingers reached out to touch the Doctor's temples, and the moment he initiated the meld, a very particular memory came back to him.
He was looking through McCoy's eyes, and he could see himself, behind the glass wall, Jim on the other side. It was painful to look at, solely because the Doctor felt pain living through it once again. Jim, cowering in front of the glass, his gaze empty, as if he had just lost a part of himself. It felt horrible. This was the worst thing that had ever happened to him. No, to McCoy. Or both of them?
I couldn't touch Jim. I had to place my Katra within McCoy. I couldn't… touch him.
"Spock… it hurts… please…" he heard McCoy whisper, and hurting him was the last thing he wanted.
"I apologize. I will leave this memory be. Let me go deeper… I will search your mind for what is mine now."
The Vulcan closed his eyes and started to search, trying to ignore the memories that were offered to him instead. There was a farm, a child, his child… no, she wasn't his. Joanna. McCoy's daughter. No. Not what he was looking for. A woman, his wife. Starfleet, death, so much death, not what he was looking for.
He searched deeper within his mind and he could suddenly hear noises, a pained cry from the human, but he couldn't give up now… maybe it was there. Somewhere.
"Spock… stop. Stop. Please… take mine instead."
Despite feeling pain, McCoy's voice was soft and almost as if it was wrapped in cotton. But he heard it. And he tried to listen. He didn't want to hurt him any more than he already did.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes…"
However Bones has done it, he managed to flood Spock's mind with memories of his own. And with them, he was filled with a warmth that made his heart almost flutter. He saw Jim and himself, on the bridge, talking, feeling gentle touches on his back, but there was more, a mission, Spock was dying, almost, and Jim carried him, carried him home, back to the Enterprise. Home… And then there was more, he was in a cell with McCoy, saw himself struggling, trying to break out. Where was Jim? He was worried, so worried. Another one, a happier one, he and Jim sitting in their quarters. Jim held his hand. There were voices, his own, Jim's, McCoy's, incomprehensible, but it didn't matter. The feeling mattered. And then they kissed. Right there. And McCoy was happy about it. He had watched them, just for a while, before he had left without saying goodbye for the night. And one other memory. V'ger. He would never be able to understand this simple feeling. This simple feeling he and Jim shared. Love. He would never understand the love they felt for each other. But McCoy understood. He understood so well and it filled him with happiness.
Spock slowly retreated from McCoy's mind, leaving their meld with a lot of emotions. So he and Jim had really been together. Of course he had suspected as much, but he simply couldn't understand why he hadn't just told him. Their bond was unsevered, unbroken, completely intact. Just his memories were missing. But that didn't matter. He didn't need these memories to feel that they belonged, or at least so he thought.
Bones was rubbing his temples, groaning loudly, before he opened his eyes, looking back at the Vulcan who was staring at him but seeming completely zoned out.
"That was terrible, Spock. Your Vulcan mind voodoo always gives me a headache. I really hope it was worth it though," he complained, but Spock couldn't really comprehend it right now. He needed a moment to even realize what had been said before he was able to answer.
"My apologies. I assure you the unpleasant sensation will leave you soon. Nevertheless, I must ask you for further assistance."
The human groaned and rubbed his temples again, but then slowly nodded.
"Sure, Spock. Just no more melds, I had quite enough of those for a lifetime."
"I did not plan on it. You might not know this, but it is also not the most pleasant practice for myself. I just need to know something. Why did the admiral not want me to know? This entire time I had been able to feel his pain, and yet he insisted on me remembering all of it myself. I do not understand why, for it is simply illogical. Please enlighten me. Analyzing human behavior does not fall under my capabilities."
McCoy looked miserable all of the sudden, then he slowly shook his head and let out a quiet sigh.
"I don't know, Spock. He has this weird idea that he'd be… manipulating you if he told you. But I don't see it that way. You two belong together, if you remember or not. His stubbornness makes you both suffer… just don't tell him that I told you. I don't think he'd appreciate it."
He thought about it for a moment, but none of this made a lot of sense to him. If Jim was his bondmate, his T'hy'la, then Spock had already made his decision, having his memories or not. To his soul, it didn't matter if he could remember Jim or not. All that mattered was that they belonged, just like McCoy had said.
"I cannot lie to him, Doctor. But I will try to convince him that his behavior is illogical. If you don't require my presence any longer, I would now leave to find the admiral. I assume we have quite some things to discuss."
Bones nodded at him, then turned back to his broken tricorder, but instead of working on it, he just stared at it, obviously not thinking about how to repair it.
"Spock… good luck. I really want to see you two together again. I can't stand to see either of you sad. It makes me miserable, and I'm miserable enough already without having to worry about you two as well."
The Vulcan nodded, unsure what to say. What McCoy said was kind, and Spock noticed something vitally important. He and Jim had never been separated, never really apart. And now it was on him to fix what was broken.
The Vulcan left him with a burning question in his mind. Did Jim feel like they were separated because he had lost his memories? To him, it didn't make sense, their bond was still intact, still as strong as ever, but it slowly occurred to him that the human might feel different about that. He knew that the human mating bond relied strongly on memories they made together… Maybe that was the reason Kirk was grieving. And still, he couldn't understand how he rather kept their relationship a secret, hoping his memory would return instead of taking direct action. But if Jim couldn't do it for some reason, Spock would take the matter in his own hands.
He made his way back inside the 'Bounty', walking over to the quarters that Jim had claimed as his own. He roughly remembered what his room on the Enterprise had looked like, and as he thought about it more, it filled him with a gentle warmth. Even though he couldn't fully remember, he knew he had spent many hours in his quarters, and it felt as if he was home as he thought about their time together. How strange it was to equal 'home' with a human he hardly knew anymore, but still, it didn't seem to be illogical.
As he arrived at his room, he noticed that Kirk's door wasn't closed, which was probably mostly due to the fact that it was broken, so Spock dared to peek inside. Jim was sitting on the bed, his face obviously red from crying, and he was holding a picture on his hand, which he immediately put back in his pocket as Spock finally dared to knock. He wondered for a moment what the picture was, but he very suddenly realized that it was redundant to even ask. The answer was very, very obvious.
"Yes?" he asked, wiping his face in a pathetic attempt to hide that he had been crying when Spock entered the room.
"Good day, admiral. I wish to converse with you. And I would consider it helpful if you would not run from me this time," he said, simply ignoring the color of his face and eyes for now. It still hurt to be in his presence and it was again almost unbearable. This needed to stop. He needed to make it all okay again.
"Yeah. Sure. What… what would you like to talk about?" the human asked, and Spock made his way over to the bed, sitting down next to him.
"I am here to talk about the status of our relationship."
The admiral suddenly looked uncomfortable and started to fidget with his hands. Something Spock found him doing quite often. He wasn't sure if this was a reaction of his body to calm himself, but growing up on Vulcan, fidgeting with one's hands in front of another person wasn't necessarily considered appropriate. However, he didn't say anything to this either, just as he ignored the redness in his face. He could still ask about these strange human behaviors later.
"Okay… Yeah. What do you have on your mind?"
Spock looked at him for a while, his gaze getting more intense by the second. There was so much emotion in Jim's eyes, so much love and fear and sadness that this time he couldn't refrain from reaching out his hand, softly touching his cheek while his eyes kept him glued in his current position.
"Admiral… I know. It is not hard to figure out what you are trying to hide, especially because you are not doing a very good job at it. However, I do have a question about it. Why do you keep the nature of our past relationship from me?"
Spock's hand was gentle against his face, and the Vulcan noticed how deeply he enjoyed touching his skin, even though it flooded him with emotion. And it made him realize how deeply afraid this man was. However pleasant his touches seemed to be, the fear that filled him was almost like an existential dread, a fear so overwhelming that even the Vulcan had a hard time not to start shivering.
"Spock…" he croaked, his voice merely more than a whisper. And then the tears came again. The only difference was, this time Jim didn't run from him like he had done every single other time they had tried to talk. He just sat there, their eyes still locked with the other's, while bitter tears kept falling from his face.
Spock tried to wipe away some of them with his thumb, but it didn't make a difference. The waterfalls didn't stop, and the way they fell was quite strange. Jim didn't shiver, didn't make a single sound. He simply looked at Spock, his eyes expressing everything he seemed to be unable to say while his gaze must have been compromised by his tears. And after what seemed to have been minutes, finally, he started to talk.
"You already pointed out the reason. Our past relationship. The relationship that's obviously over now. That's why I wanted you to remember before I said something. Because I hoped you would get your memories back and everything could go back to how it was. But it won't. I've lost you, Spock. And that… is the worst feeling in the world. I've lost you twice now. I can't take it anymore. I can't… I can't watch you being cold and distant when my heart aches to be held by you again. You won't even call me by my name… You're the love of my life while I am nothing to you. Just the Admiral. How is that fair? And what am I supposed to do about it?"
The human couldn't hold back anymore. As much as he tried, he couldn't stop himself from falling into a state of childlike weeping, and it broke Spock's heart. Seeing his mate like this, feeling what he did, it just made him miserable beyond limits. It didn't matter that he was missing most of his memories, the feelings his soul held for Jim hadn't changed. And then Spock did something that couldn't be explained by logic, but it simply felt right.
He pulled Jim into a hug, pulling him in and holding him as close as possible without hurting him. His hands stroked gently over his mate's back while he wept into his robes, and with his touches he tried to show him that it was going to be alright. Very soon, it would be just fine.
"Jim…", he dared to call him, and Kirk started to make noises that sounded even more miserable.
"I might not remember what we have been through together, but that does not change the fact that we have a connection. We share a bond that is greater than our memories. And this bond will never cease to exist. If you would just let me, I could receive these memories from you again. They would not be mine, but… I would remember. And it seems to be important to you that I do remember. You have not lost me. I assume not even while I was dead you ever really lost me. But how could I have known any of this if no one explained it to me?"
Kirk was still weeping in his arms, he could feel his shivers and he felt the tears soaking his robes, but he didn't let go, trying to give this man exactly what he needed. And what he needed was to be close to him.
Spock wasn't able to determine exactly how long he had been holding his mate before the crying stopped, but at some point, Jim looked up at him, his eyes and face red and swollen. The Vulcan felt sorry for him, and he wanted it to stop. Even though he didn't know what 'before' had been, he still wanted everything to be like that again. Before he had died, Jim had been happy. And he needed to make him happy again.
"I'm sorry, Spock. I didn't mean to… it was just… it's… I miss you. I miss you so much. But… I just don't know if I should let you take my memories. What if the new you feels different about me? What if you don't want me anymore?" he asked, wanting to wipe away the rest of his tears with his hands, but Spock caught it mid-movement, interlacing their fingers with each other.
"That is illogical. My Katra is still the same. And my Katra is still connected to yours. Name one logical reason why I would not want you back."
The human only slowly shook his head. Of course, there was no logical reason, of course it didn't make sense, and yet he could feel that unreasonable fear to lose his loved one, a fear that made him just so beautifully human and showed him how much Jim cared. And no matter what happened, Spock would show him that there was no reason to be scared. He would always be by his side, no matter what he called him, no matter what happened between them. He simply knew they would always be together. McCoy's memories had shown him enough to be certain of it. But Jim somehow didn't seem to see it. So he had to make him see.
"T'hy'la. Talk to me."
T'hy'la. That word had an effect on Jim. The emotion in the room shifted, got less anxious, but then there was something else. Jealousy? Why?
"Spock… When you came back… your body, I mean… Do you remember anything about that time? About Saavik and you?"
There it was. This very, very human fear. Being replaced by someone else. Spock didn't understand it, and still he tried to lessen his fears. Jealousy was not something he ever experienced, and he hoped he never had to.
"I see. Yes, she told me what happened. But I cannot remember anything, nor do I feel anything other than gratitude towards her. Does that answer your question?"
Kirk suddenly pulled his hand away and started fidgeting again, acting nervous and almost erratic, before he jumped off the bed, walking up and down his room while shaking his head a few times. There was definitely something that bothered him about it, and it didn't seem to matter that Spock couldn't even remotely remember what had happened before his Katra was back in his body.
"I didn't mean to… I mean… I can't help wondering if you and her… and if you'd even still want me then… She's a Vulcan and I am just a human. And she clearly likes you, and… I just… I don't…"
"Jim. Would you kindly stop spiralling? That does not get us any further nor does it give you the answers you seek. Please sit back down with me and let me help."
Kirk looked as if he wanted to say something else, opened and closed his mouth a few times, then he walked over to the bed and sat down next to Spock again, but he still didn't seem to be any calmer.
"I am sorry. You are right. I'm… not myself, lately. I just can't do anything about these thoughts. I'm scared. Without you, I am lost, Spock. I just… I want everything to be the way it was again. Ever since you died I feel like a part of me died with you. And right now, you don't even know how much…" his voice broke and he had to swallow a few times to be able to continue talking, but what came out his mouth was merely a whisper.
"You don't even know how much I love you."
Spock's expression got very soft, and he took both of Jim's hands in his own, gently rubbing his thumbs over his palms. It was an intimate gesture and it seemed to calm Jim down. Good… he needed him to be calm for what he wanted to do next, otherwise it would be uncomfortable for both of them.
"Then show me. Give me your memories. Show me what I have forgotten."
The human suddenly looked very tired, as if he couldn't even try to resist anymore, and Spock felt tired, too. They had waited way too long before doing this. And both of them were tired of waiting. Melding with McCoy had drained his energy, and the sheer thought of having to do it again with Jim while he was in such an emotional state made him feel even more exhausted, but he still needed to do it. The time was right.
The Vulcan let go of his right hand, instead moving his fingers up to Kirk's face. It was easy to find the neural points, and somehow when he entered his mind, the expected energy drain didn't occur.
A wave of pleasure and excitement overcame him, a feeling he had never experienced before, but then he suddenly remembered… he had experienced it before. This wasn't the first time he felt like this.
"Jim…" he whispered, closing his eyes to be able to focus on his memories. It was hard to concentrate inside a pool of so many different emotions, but somehow he still managed to find what he was looking for.
Familiar pictures raced past him, but he still managed to see all of it clearly enough to understand.
Jim showed him their past, their history, and Spock did everything he could to learn.
They were back on the Enterprise, a quiet voice telling him once again that he was home. There was Jim, he was always there, always around, his captain. Saving him, defending him, rescuing him from anything and everything, no matter the cost. Sabotaging his career and sacrificing things no one could even begin to comprehend, everything just for him. There they were, together on a strange planet, Spock dying in his arms, but he wouldn't let him. And then he sat by his bed, right by his side until he woke, not sleeping or eating until he was sure Spock wasn't in danger anymore. A feeling so pure the Vulcan wanted to cry. And then it changed, another day, another planet. It went on like this for many days, playing chess, eating together, spending the evenings in each other's quarters, sitting there reading in content silence, talking about everything and nothing, scientific theories, possibilities, even god, everything all at once… And then, another change, he knew that memory, but the perspective was different.
"Seriously, guys… when will the two of you finally stop tiptoeing around and just admit that you have feelings for each other. A blind man could see that, seriously, just kiss already!" a very drunk voice told them, and he could see himself blush through Jim's eyes. It had been McCoy who said it, obviously drunk enough so his own mind couldn't provide him with what was said anymore, but Jim remembered. And he remembered how their first kiss had felt. It was nothing short of heavenly. Nothing in his life had felt better than Jim's lips on his own… this simple feeling that V'ger couldn't understand. And suddenly, he remembered all of it himself. Every second of every day he had spent with Jim, his mate, his T'hy'la. The days and nights they had worried about each other's safety, all their memories, all they had been through together, the shared laughter and pain, all the things they had discovered, and still, every night they had ended back in their quarters together, laying there side by side, holding each other in a tight embrace. This was the man he loved. This was his forever human. Oh, how could he have forgotten all of it? How could he have thought for even a single second that these memories didn't matter?
Spock pulled his hand away and it was shaking as he did. It had been a lot, but it hadn't been draining at all. Instead, it made him feel like himself again. Seeing his mate's memories had brought his own ones back, and he suddenly understood why it had been so important to Kirk that he remembered. It was their journey, and it was so very, very important.
"Jim… I remember you. I remember us. Jim… My Jim. I am so sorry."
The human made an indefinable noise, before he reached out both hands, cupping his partner's face, looking at him as if he was the most beautiful being in the universe. And Spock knew, to Jim, he was nothing less but that.
"You really remember? All of it?" he asked, and the Vulcan actually let out a chuckle.
"And how exactly would I know that? The problem about forgetting things is that one usually can't remember the thing that has been forgotten. But I know enough to remember how important you are. And I apologize that it took so long. I should have insisted on melding with you way sooner."
Kirk slowly nodded, and there were tears gathering in his eyes once more, but this time these weren't tears of sadness. He could see that Jim was simply happy.
"Oh, Spock… Would it be alright if I kissed you? I know it's forward of me to ask, but I've been waiting so long…" Jim asked, and Spock could feel that the hands that were cupping his cheeks already wanted to pull him close, but the Vulcan wasn't opposed to it at all. He now remembered how pleasant it was. And he wanted to feel it again.
"Of course, Ashayam."
The human didn't hesitate, and not a second later, he felt warm lips against his own colder ones. Jim's kisses were hungry, longing and a little demanding, but Spock enjoyed it, and as soon as he got the hang of it again, he returned his kiss with passion, letting his mate know just how much he enjoyed it. One hand found Jim's and pulled it away from his cheek, and he immediately knew what Spock wanted to do. Their fingers met in ozh'esta, the Vulcan kiss, and Jim almost let out a sigh as he felt his fingers pressed against his own.
"I missed you…", Jim whispered as he broke their kiss for a moment, but Spock didn't reply anything, instead pulling him into another long, just as passionate kiss.
Neither of them was sure if minutes or hours had passed until they finally stopped, but even as they did, their fingers stayed pressed against each other.
Spock noticed that Jim's face and eyes weren't too red anymore, but instead his lips now were, and it made him smile to see him like this, all flustered and with irregular breathing. He was the most beautiful human in the universe, and Spock felt almost ashamed that he had forgotten just how much he loved him. But there was something else, something that was a lot more important that he simply had to know. Something he had wanted to ask him a long time ago.
"Jim… I just remembered that, before I died, I had something planned. After I came back from my failed attempt at Kolinahr on Vulcan, you often told me that you were afraid I would leave you once again, so I thought of something that would make your fears go away…", Spock started to explain, placing his free hand on Jim's leg.
"Leaving you to rid myself of all emotion was by far the most illogical decision I ever made, and I sincerely apologize that I have made you suffer. I do not wish to bring suffering upon you ever again," he continued, only now noticing that one key ingredient to his plan was missing. However, it didn't really matter. Not with Jim.
"What do you want to say, Spock?" the human asked, and Spock closely watched his face as he kneeled down before him, noticing that Jim immediately opened his mouth, but was unable to say anything at all.
"Now, I cannot recall where I placed the ring I bought, but I would appreciate it if you signed a binding contract that makes it impossible for us to leave one another, unless we want public authorities involved in our breakup. Would you like to become my husband?"
Jim's expression was something between touched and amused, and of course he nodded, having to hold back a tiny chuckle.
"That was the most unromantic proposal I've ever heard. Of course I'll marry you! I love you, Spock. And just so you know, I'd sign anything you place in front of me."
Jim didn't wait for his mate to get up again, instead he slid onto the metal floor and simply pushed Spock on his back, laying down on top of him. The Vulcan didn't seem to mind, and Jim placed his head on his chest, and one hand gently pressed on the spot where his heart was.
"You can't possibly imagine how happy you make me. I don't ever wanna miss you again. You're my heart and soul, Spock…"
"My sun and my stars…"
Jim looked at him with a warm smile and pressed a gentle kiss on his lips. Spock knew he felt better now, and so did he. They were together and never to be separated. He'd make sure that Jim was never alone again.
"Yes… my sun and my stars. My whole universe…"