Work Text:
This will not make much sense unless you have read part 1 of this series, Ilgaz's POV, link for which can be found at the bottom of the page.
Heaven (PG)
If Ceylin had to explain why she just stormed out of Ilgaz’s apartment after roughly pushing him aside out of her way and insulting his intelligence, she doubts that she could find the right words to express herself. Which in and of itself is both frustrating and scary to her.
As a lawyer, words are her craft. Without her words, her eloquent speeches, her adroit word flourishes, she feels that she would be nothing in court and in life in general. She has always possessed the gift to persuade, cajole, twist facts in clever ways that, more often than not, would benefit her and let her have her way in the end. Why is it then that tonight, after her confrontation with Ilgaz, her mind is now a sorry blank?
If she’s to be honest, she knows that her cursed temper flared up at him for almost no good reason at all. All he had done was to ask something of her. And surely - if she is to let herself have some badly needed truthful introspection-, what he had asked of her would not warrant under any circumstances the excessive ferocity of the feelings and reactions she had just experienced and unleashed upon him.
What had he asked exactly that had made her anger roil and roll out – suddenly, without warning - from the depths of her being like a pyroclastic cloud swiping reason and logic out of its way and covering him, her, their budding relationship with a thick layer of unsavoury grey-hot dust?
He had simply asked her not to lie to him, like she, admittedly, had just done right to his face. Trust Ilgaz to know that she had lied by just looking into her eyes. He hadn’t raised his voice. He hadn’t rolled his eyes. He hadn’t assumed a condemning or patronizing tone of voice. He had just calmly – damn that enviable, unflappable and legendary calm of his! – asked her to please, please stop lying to him because, when she did, it hurt and disappointed him. Which all in all is not an unreasonable request given how the man has stood by her, supported her, given her shelter, food, warmth, compassion, strength like no other person has ever done for her before in her life. Ilgaz has done all of that for her without wanting anything in return. At least not until tonight when he had asked her to give him honesty, just honesty and nothing more.
So why did she explode like an atomic bomb in his sitting room? And why is she now unable to leave his garden? Why is she sitting on this wall instead of walking out as she has done on people countless times before in her pre-Ilgaz life?
She knows why but admitting it to herself would mean opening up a giant can of worms and she is not sure, that once opened, she will ever be able to close that mess back up again.
Ilgaz once told her that she is the most courageous woman that he has ever met. Well, for once he was wrong. Because she totally lacks the courage to tell herself the truth about tonight’s reasons for her breakdown.
Boncuk, Defne’s cute cat, sashays over to her, momentarily distracting her from her cowardly misery.
The cat has never paid attention to her before but now it gracefully leaps into her lap without fear or hesitation, meaows at her demanding cuddles and finds a comfortable spot in her lap whence to receive them. And Ceylin complies because the creature obviously needs some affection and she knows that deep feeling of need and want only too well to deny it to this soft and purring bundle of comfort.
If admitting to herself why she acted the way she did earlier in Ilgaz’s sitting room is too much, too scary… well maybe, just maybe telling Boncuk will make it easier and not as frightening? She can pretend that what she is about to admit out loud is going to be swept away by the night breeze, never to be heard by another sentient being again other than the cat. That way it’s not so terrifying after all, she tells herself.
So she does, finally, unload her heart.
She whispers into Boncuk’s ears how Ilgaz catching her in a lie and calling her out on it made her feel wretched and remorseful. How this honest, moral, honourable man, without wanting or meaning to, makes her feel imperfect, full of flaws like nobody before him ever has. How, while feeling inadequate, she also wants to become a better person for him and because of him. How he challenges her in all the right ways and how, unwittingly doing so, he conjures up in her innate fears of not being enough, of not being up to the task of righting her wayward ways to a degree where she can be worthy of everything that he is doing for her. To be worthy of him.
It’s this feeling of abject self-doubt that made her blow up just now like a supernova. Ilgaz surely thought that she blew up in anger at him, while all along she was blowing up in anger at her imperfect self.
There, it’s all out of her system at last. It’s finally all out in the universe now and she feels better for it.
She feels lighter, like a huge load has been lifted off her shoulders. And, thankfully, Boncuk’s continued purring makes her feel not so judged after all.
And then - his timing impeccable as always - she feels Ilgaz’s presence close by in the garden and she knows that the only way forward now is for her to apologize.
She wonders briefly why he left his apartment. Was he going to look for her? Or was he just going out to get some fresh air, away from the poison cloud she had spilled in his sitting room?
Whatever the reason, what matters is that he is here now and he is not making a move to get away from her, at least not yet. He is quiet and imposing – when is he ever not? – and his expressive brown eyes are guarded, his chiseled face set in an inscrutable expression.
Ceylin wants him to stay, she doesn’t want him to walk away from her, now or ever. So she does what she can. She smiles up at him. Her smile is tentative, remorseful but - be still her heart! -, his eyes, those beautiful eyes of his, soften in return. A small win for sure.
So she lets Boncuk off her lap, she stands, she gathers herself and her scattered thoughts by brushing the cat hair off her trousers and then she walks up to him, takes his hand – he lets her and that feels like another small win -, squeezes it and apologizes for insulting him. She called him an idiot and that was just another one of her lies. She tells him that he is probably the smartest man she has ever met, and in truth there is no “probably” about it in her mind.
He looks at her for a long time. She wishes she knew what he is thinking. She hopes that he knows that her apology is sincere. He is looking unblinkingly into her eyes – she could swear that he has the ability to look straight into her soul too or at least that’s how he makes her feel – and then, to her great relief, he nods and says: “Affettim.”
He has forgiven her and that one word will be one of her favorites from here on in until the end of time.
She smiles wide then in both relief and gratitude and lets her eyes tell him how much she appreciates him because – yet again – appropriate words escape her.
And then she surprises herself by blurting out: “Açıktım ben!”
Ilgaz is going to think that she is hungry for food. Anybody would. But he is wrong.
She is hungry for the feel of his hand in hers.
She is hungry for his quiet, solid presence.
She is hungry for the dimple in his right cheek.
She is hungry for his strength and reassuring steadiness.
She is hungry for those plump inviting lips of his.
She is hungry for his oh so comforting hugs.
She is hungry for his smile. That smile that he is currently giving her in response to her declaration of hunger.
He nods, again, and without a word – because she has learned that when it comes to Ilgaz actions speak volumes and words are rare but precious – he takes her back up the stairs towards his home never letting go of her hand.
She follows him meekly because who wouldn’t follow this too good to be true man to the ends of the Earth and back?
As he opens the front door to his apartment and leads her in, she wonders how she is going to rein in her temper the next time that he unintentionally makes her feel like a ticking bomb about to go off.
Maybe she should let her hunger talk instead of her anger and kiss him senseless to block out all bad thoughts about herself swirling around in her brain.
Sure, it would be hell if he was to reject her.
But if he didn’t reject her? Cennet olurdu!
The end
Turkish words/expressions:
Affettim - I forgive (you)
Cennet olurdu! - It would be heaven!