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Jote & Joshua’s time as traveling companions, alone together, seemed to be reaching their end. The Hideaway offered a sense of security long lost to the pair, and within a brief moment of respite came unease…
Jote tossed and turned in bed. Nothing was comfortable; it was too silent, too empty, and she couldn’t help but wonder if Joshua was okay. The notion made her uneasy- her lordling was an adult fully capable of taking care of himself, and he reminded her of as much every time she fussed over him. There was no need for them to share accommodations as they had night after night now that they were among allies, he reasoned, so when they parted ways in the evening Jote had no reason to disagree. And yet-
She turned again. And again. And again. She buried her head into her pillow, into her hands, adjusted her position over and over, and yet the discomfort still crept up mere moments later. The woman groaned- they’ve spent as many nights apart as they have traveling together, yet this felt different. Back then, every parting was paired with a promise to return- he’d always come back for her, or she would always find him- and now it seemed as if that had come to an end. What use had he for Jote, when everyone in the hideaway was so capable? Was her duty truly over?
Of course not, she thought. Her duty never ended, as was the creed of the Undying. She would protect the Phoenix’s flame no matter what. She would protect Joshua no matter what. He knew that, so surely he wouldn’t discard her so quickly…
Her racing thoughts are interrupted by a soft knock on her door. It was almost so gentle that Jote believed herself delusional- that is, until it happened a second time.
“Yes…?” She sat up slightly.
“Jote?” A familiar voice silken in tone whispered from behind the door. With a creak it began to open, and a familiar head of flaxen hair poked out from the crevice.
Her voice got caught in her throat; she felt her heartbeat grow in intensity, so fervent that she could hear it beat within her eardrums. Why was he here? Why now?
“Yes, Your Grace? Is aught amiss?” She sat up fully, turning towards Joshua to offer him her full attention. “Are you ill?”
“No, nothing is amiss. Well- yes, something is amiss, actually.” He hesitated, slowly shutting the door behind him. “This is quite embarrassing but…I’m having trouble sleeping.” Jote watched Joshua shift his weight. He scratched the back of his head as if he were embarrassed. Was he…? She squinted.
“I see. Is there…anything I can do, Your Grace? If it’s your cough, I still have some medicine that may help.” It was almost a relief to be called upon again, and Jote would make sure his faith was repaid. It wasn’t uncommon for Joshua to be awoken by the occasional bad dream or coughing fit, so Jote immediately knew where to find the solvent she needed. In a flash she swung her feet to the ground and nearly vaulted herself forward to her belongings.
“No, Jote, it’s not that. Any of that,” he muttered. “I’m just- well I’m not quite sure, really. I was having difficulty falling asleep, and it just seemed apt to visit you.” He watched Jote continue rifling around in her bags, arms limp at his sides. “You don’t- it’s truly not a physical ailment, Jote. I don’t need any medicine.”
“I’m worried, Your Grace.” When Jote turned to face him again, whatever emotion began leaking from her had been firmly locked up. “But If nothing ails you, however, I’m unsure of how I can help.”
“I’d just like to sleep here, if that is okay with you.”
“Your Grace?” Jote looked up from her task. Joshua felt his temperature rise at the sight of her; her hair, slightly more disheveled than usual; the nightgown that draped over her svelte figure; eyes framed by dark, full eyelashes, carefully watching his every movement.
He wondered how he looked in her eyes. Did Jote see him as Joshua, her traveling companion and confidant, or was he just the Phoenix?
“Y-yes. Right.” She nodded, looking past Joshua to the bed behind him. “If it would help you sleep better, I will use my bedroll.”
Joshua shook his head. “We’ve been over this, Jote- you need not do so, especially for my sake.”
“But-”
“And,” he interrupted, “I…would feel more comfortable sleeping with you. I-In the same bed, that is.” Realizing the forwardness of his words, the lordling cleared his throat. “Like we’ve done before?” He looked to the floor, sheepish.
Jote felt dizzy. What should I do? Should she agree to his request? Refuse? What do I…want to do? The answer, she concluded, was that she wanted to be close to him once more. The pride she felt at being needed was quickly replaced by shame, but every train of thought seemed to lead to the same place: the man in front of her.
“Okay.” With that, Joshua breathed a sigh of relief- this relief was short-lived, however, as one awkward moment was replaced by the next.
And so they wordlessly lay next to each other; Jote lay on her back, staring at the ceiling; Joshua lay on his side, staring at Jote.
Under the blanket, her hand grazed his.
“Sleep well, Your Grace.”
Joshua watched helplessly as Jote’s eyes shut. This is what he had wanted, wasn’t it, to sleep beside her once more? Yet his mind would not stop racing, filled to the brim as it was with thoughts of- well, everything. He wondered when he would get another moment like this with Jote, and the thought of leaving her with words unsaid prompted him to speak.
“Jote?” His retainer’s eyes opened, and she turned her body to face him.
“Yes, Your Grace?”
“Can you call me Joshua, please?”
“Your Grace-”
“Please.” He almost whispered, swallowing the breath caught in his throat. “Please, Jote.”
“I- '' She started, words at the tip of her tongue being held back by a slightest clenching of her jaw. “I cannot do that, Your Grace. I’m sorry.” The moonlight cast shadows on Jote’s pained expression; the corners of her mouth quivered, and her eyes moved about as they tried to make sense of the situation. Eventually they settled on his face again, squinting as she tried to discern his intentions.
“You cannot, I understand.” Joshua sighed. “Even so, would you wish to? If no formalities stood between us?” Jote remained silent, a familiar pout forming on her features.
“Forgive me for my indelicacy, Jote- I just wonder sometimes. How you see me, that is.” He swallowed.
“I…Please, do not mistake my intentions. You have always been my most trusted confidant. All of those nights where we stared up at the stars…you’ve always been by my side, even when we’re apart. And I’m always thinking of you.
It’s shameful, I know, but I cannot help but wish for a world where I was not the Phoenix. Would we have met, then? Would you still be by my side?” Jote watched him in quiet contemplation, reaching for his hand and giving it a squeeze. Joshua grew emboldened. “I find it so hard to know what you’re thinking, even after all of this time. Even now.”
Jote’s eyes followed her hand as Joshua brought it to his lips.
“Jote,” he whispered into her skin, gently kissing the top of her hand, “I cannot stop thinking of you.” As he lowered her hand, their fingers intertwined, resting in the slim space between them.
“It is irresponsible for me to come to you like this, knowing the duty you’ve sworn. Worse still to impose on your rest as I have. It’s just- this is all I can think about, as our journey nears its end. I would not leave these words unsaid in case of-” He frowned. “Forgive me. I thought of what to say over and over, and yet when I finally made it to your door I forgot everything in my mind. I’m just…grateful for you, Jote. More than I could ever express with words.”
Before his fingers could fully disentangle from Jote’s, she tightened her grip. “Wait. Please.” Joshua immediately obeyed, resisting the urge to break eye contact. It was no small feat, as it felt to him like Jote’s gaze had pierced the very core of his soul.
“If I may speak plainly, Your Grace. Joshua.” His eyebrows raised. “You are as selfless as ever. As reckless as ever, especially with my feelings. Did you think to save yourself from rejection by shutting me away as soon as you were finished? What of my thoughts? My feelings? Would you not wish to hear them?”
“I- I would,” Joshua admitted sheepishly. “I’m sorry, Jote.”
“You are always sorry, Your Grace.” She frowned. “You apologize for everything- for making me worry; for when I am injured; for the duty I swore long before I knew who you were. I did not swear this duty on a whim. I did not pledge my life to your cause without knowing the consequences. You cannot stop me from worrying about you, no matter how hard you try to push me away.
Tell me honestly, My Lord. What is it that you want of me?”
“I…” He shifted forward, resting his forehead on hers. His eyes firmly shut- there was no way for him to get the words out otherwise.
“I cannot spend another night away from you, Jote. On those nights we spent apart, I worried if you were alright. Even here, among friends and family, I would keep you all to myself.” Breaking free of Jote’s grasp, he wrapped his lithe arms around her and nuzzled his face into her hair. “I would not be here without you,” he whispered, “and I do not want to be here without you. I can’t- you are…more important to me than I ever said. I’m sorry.”
As Jote pressed into him she was enveloped in his characteristic warmth, a comfort she grew familiar with on cold nights during their travels. This time felt different, however- he held her tighter than he did back then, for one. Her head nestled perfectly into his torso. Joshua began with kissing the top of her head, then the tip of her ear, then the crest of her cheekbone, moving his hands to caress her face. As he continued a trail of tender kisses to the corner of her lips, Jote grew more impatient.
Most of Jote’s assertiveness was used in service of Joshua; as his protector, she never allowed herself a moment of doubt in the times he needed her most. This time, though, she would serve herself. As a member of the Undying, she never grew used to praise or affection, but the pang of wanting was as familiar to her as Joshua’s aversion to carrots. She knew for exactly how long she had wanted to take his face into her hands, as she was doing now, and feel the warmth of his skin.
It made her think of every time he’d brushed Jote’s hands aside before- how averse he was to her dirtying her hands. The thought made her laugh involuntarily, and without realizing she found herself blinking more and more. So much heat had collected in every square inch of surface area across her face that one would have believed her to be the wielder of the Phoenix’s flame. Jote was not aware of why her face grew wet as she stared into Joshua’s eyes, kind as they were. She simply laughed.
For his part, Joshua was equally as dumbfounded- it was rare for Jote to smile in his presence, let alone laugh, and he froze. It was enchanting how sincere her expression was, how her giggles were interrupted by sporadic hiccuping. It felt like he was seeing her for the first time. “What’s so funny?” He teased, wiping away Jote’s tears in a vain effort to cease their flowing.
“You are, My Grace,” she croaked. Her eyes fell from his eyes to his lips. “How comical this life is.” Jote sniffled. “How cruel.
I am blessed to be in service of the Phoenix, to be entrusted with safeguarding the Firebird’s Flame. I would never wish for more- I used to never wish for more. But no warmth has brought me such comfort as yours.
I’m- I’m selfish. I should discard these frivolous thoughts- should focus on my duty- but with each day I find myself not wanting to. These thoughts of you…every day, they remind me of why I fight.”
Joshua’s mind conjured images of Jote’s arms, as littered with scars as his. Many had belonged to the woman before she and Joshua met, but he couldn’t stop himself from thinking of every time she’d brandished her blade in his name. Jote always refused his healing, insisting he save his strength, and he lost count of how many times they’d quarreled about it.
“...Joshua.” Hearing his name from Jote’s mouth snapped him back to the present.
“Yes, Jote?” He answered, his voice barely a whisper. Jote watched him with half-lidded eyes.
“Can I kiss you?” Her face burned between his fingers.
As if you would have to ask, he thought.
“Of course.”
Immediately, Jote removed any semblance of distance left between them, her fingers creeping up from the sides of his face to thread through his hair. Her lips were soft as they pressed into his.
Joshua had thought about this moment many times and yet he found himself woefully unprepared, as if his entire being was at the mercy of Jote’s whims. All he could think of was what he could feel; the feel of her breath on his lips, the earthy, herbal fragrance that always lingered wherever she went. Joshua’s hands fell from Jote’s face and quietly panicked as they searched for somewhere to rest, eventually settling on the small of her back.
Their noses slightly bumped together as Jote moved to kiss him more deeply and the pair couldn’t help but pause for an exchange of giddy, nervous laughter. This giggling turned into a tense silence that seemed to last forever. The two of them, their lips a hair’s breadth apart, growing dizzy with each second spent breathing each other’s air.
“I love you, Jote.” The words came to Joshua easily. He once again wrapped his arms around Jote and brought her closer still, squeezing her tightly.
“I love you too, Joshua.” For Jote, the words felt strange, as she’d never expected to say them out loud. “I love you,” she repeated quietly. “I’m in love with you.”
The warmth of his embrace enveloped Jote, and she fell asleep quickly. Joshua began to slumber soon after, but not before thoughts of the days ahead crossed through his mind. He felt a pang of sadness, knowing this couldn’t last forever. No matter- everything they had worked for was soon coming to fruition, for better or for worse, but right now all he could feel was Jote’s steady heartbeat. The pain in his chest dulled in comparison to hearing her voice, and he replayed it in his head over and over until he could finally rest.