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Bernice had never set out in life to become a reverend, if she was honest with herself it was something done more out of boredom more than anything, she had never been fond of courting, easier to wear the collar then nobody asked questions. It wasn't a profession Bernice even really enjoyed, Shure sometimes you would get a good bit of gossip if an especially sinful bugger came to confess but aside from that it was more just sitting around looking busy. There are only so many times you can read the Bible before even Genesis seemed unremarkable, for years now several chapters in Bernice's copy of the Bible had been replaced by some especially blasphemous chapters from the local Vasey porn rag but even that was now losing its excitement. Bernice flicked through her schedule with an air of annoyance
“Another sodding wedding?” she tutted loudly, nothing ruined Bernice's already temperamental mood like a wedding, crowds of people intruding on her peace, celebrating another pointless union that would end, as they always did, with one of the ‘happy couple’ crying in her confessional years later about how their marriage is falling apart, the daft twats. Although it wasn't in Bernice's usual practice to actually look at her notes before the wedding but with nout else to do and still a good hour before she was allowed to lock up, she decided to give them a onceover. She almost choked on her whisky as she read the first name
“Mickey Michaels” she laughed cruelly
“What sad fucker is desperate enough to stoop that low” she continued chuckling to herself as she read on, scanning the rag of paper to find the name of the unlucky bride to be. Her brief jubilance was short lived as her eyes settled themselves on the name
“Pauline..” She read the name over several times, willing them to change to any other name.
It was a very rare occurrence that Bernice was rendered speechless, she had always considered herself the queen of the witty comeback, but this time there was no snarky comment to be made. All she could do is stare blankly at the scribbled words. She took another generous sip of her whisky trying to focus on the burn as it stung her throat rather than the notes in front of her
“Daft twat” she muttered more to herself than anything. Bernice stuffed the scrap of paper back into her draw and downed the rest of her whiskey angrily. Pauline never failed to ruin her day, she had been having a perfectly boring day before Pauline came and ruined it. Bernice kicked the leg of her desk yelling in annoyance as it fell leaving papers and letters cascading all over her office
“FUCKS SAKE” she bent down to pick up a few of the scattered sheets, now damp and drenched with her spilled whisky. Just as Bernice was about to yell out another series of blasphemous explicits she heard a small voice coming from behind her.
“Reverend?”
“Cant you tell were fucking closed you useless-” She turned around in, annoyance ready to smite whatever bugger had dared disturb her, as she locked eyes with the ‘bugger’ in question though she froze.
“What the hells going on?” Pauline stood in the doorway looking at the scattering of paper that were currently plastering the floor.
“Bad time?”
“What do you fuckin think” Bernice turned her attention back to the papers as she tried to shove them back into the now broken desk.
“Bad day?” Pauline stepped tentatively into the office.
“Do you do anything but ask fucking questions?” Bernice snapped back as she glared back into Pauline's bespectacled eyes.
“Yes i am having a bad day” she walked back over to her statue of the virgin Mary, which had for several years now been used as a dispenser for Royston Vasey's finest. Pouring herself another glass she indicated for Pauline to take a seat.
“Well then, what brings you here pet?” Bernice tried desperately to hide the bitterness in her voice, rather unsuccessfully.
“As you know, your supposed to be officiating my wedding next week” Bernice rolled her eyes and lit herself a cigarette lazily
“Yes i was aware of that”
“Well i just thought i should come…talk to you” she could practically feel Pauline's eyes burning into her, Bernice was adamant not to meet her gaze
“Oh aye”
“Bernice” Bernice practically jumped as she felt Pauline's hand reach out and briefly touch hers, she pulled away quickly as she felt her skin prickle in absence of Pauline's touch. She searched the room desperately trying to find something to change the topic of conversation.
“Have you read the Bible pet?”
“Do i look like i read the fucking Bible?” Pauline looks at her, raising her eyebrow slightly as a smug grin crosses her face.
“You look like you belong in it…which one of the nine circles of hell did you crawl from?”
“That's rich” Pauline scoffs as she moves slightly closer, despite herself Bernice felt her heart flutter slightly. The heady smell of Pauline's perfume overwhelmed her, the scent of rose consuming her senses.
“Back off will ya! I can smell the desperation from here”
“Desperation?” Pauline lets out a loud laugh “who's desperate Hun? As far as I'm concerned I'm the one getting married next week and you're the one who's gonna be left flicking herself off to daytime television” Pauline's face is so close, Bernice can practically smell the wine on her breath. There is a brief moment where Bernice doesn't know if she is about to hit Pauline or pull her into a passionate kiss. Before she can make up her mind however Pauline pushes her back against the stone wall, their faces smashing together.
Kissing Pauline was as not as disgusting as Bernice had been expecting, on the few occasions her mind had wondered to such things she had always had the rather unsettling image of a slug or other such creature creep into her mind but this, this was soft and fucking delicious. She pulled Pauline closer to her, savouring every second as their lips slid across each other with ease, Pauline pulled back leaving Bernice arching forward desperate to feel her close again.
“Is that fuckin it?!” Bernice didn't even try to hide the disappointment in her voice as Pauline let go of her.
“Now who's desperate?” Pauline smiles smugly as she fixes her glasses which had been left askew from their frenzied kiss.
“You kissed me!” Bernice feels her whole body flush with a mix of desire but also anger, what the fuck did Pauline think she was doing? Storming into HER church and kissing her out of nowhere! She would be lying to herself if she said she wasn’t desperate to pull Pauline back in and show her the true meaning of ‘sins of the flesh’. She felt her breath catch as Pauline stepped closer and gently rubbed some of Bernice's now smudged lipstick off her bottom lip, Bernice found herself being overcome with a sudden inexplicable anger.
“You think you can just walk in here and pin me against a fucking wall?!” the nerve to kiss her and then call her desperate? Bernice felt another wave of passion flood her that took her by complete surprise. Pauline had obviously picked up on this as her ridiculously pink lips twisted into a smug grin.
“How longs it been reverend? Since you indulged I mean” Bernice thought for a moment, how long had it been? Months? Years if you excluded that bloke from the salvation army she had had a run in with in the late 90s, though that had hardly been worth mentioning, as far as Bernice was concerned it didn't count if you were only sucking them off. Pauline's smugness only deepened as she watched Bernice trying to figure out how long it had been since she had felt any kind of pleasure.
“Fucking hell that long eh?” Bernice glowered at her.
“Well don't just stand there, do something you fuckin pillock!” Pauline wasted no time in pulling Bernice in again, letting her hands slide to her hips to pull her closer. Bernice allowed her hands to run through the auburn spikes of paulines hair as they continued to pull each other closer. They must be a right sight, Bernice thought, she was sure her face would be now smudged in various ungodly shades of pink.Bernice gasped loudly as she felt Paulines hand run down her lower back, the sensation seemingly stimulating every fibre of her being. She longed to feel Pauline more intimately, to feel her garishly pink lips kissing other parts of her body. Before her mind could wonder further a soft, childlike voice called into the darkness to them.
“Pauline”
Pauline hastily pushed herself away from Bernice, desperately trying to wipe the lipstick off her face but only succeeding in smudging it further.
“What the fuck is going on tonight?” Bernice walked out of her office into the church hall to greet, or rather tell to bugger off, their unexpected guest. She was stopped almost immediately however by Pauline grabbing her arm.
“What the fuck are you doing, get of me!”
“Pauline” the voice called out again. Bernice pulled her arm from Pauline's grasp and walked over ready to tear into whoever had dared interrupt her first bit of pleasure in over a decade.
She was somewhat taken aback to find Mickey shifting nervously in the hall.
“Oh for fucks sake”
“Have you got my finance with you?”
“If you mean your fiancé you daft twat, than yes she's-”
“Sorry mickey love, me and the reverend were just…discussing possible dates for the wedding” Bernice opened her mouth to speak but for the second time in the evening found herself speechless, here was Pauline acting perfectly normal like they hadn't just been tongue wrestling only moments earlier.
“Well thank you reverend, next week sounds perfect” Bernice can only watch in a state of disbelief as Pauline pulls her coat on and leaves without such as a glance back at Bernice.
Bernice slowly walked back to her office, her brain still desperately playing over the last 5 minutes. As she walks in she notices a neat fountain pen laid purposely on top of a pile of paper, nothing like the old chewed up biros Bernice usually used. She picked it up and ran her finger across its smooth exterior, as she turns it over in her hand she notices a small engraving on the underside ‘Her Nibs’. Bernice can't help but chuckle to herself.
“What a shit name”