Chapter Text
Trigger Warning for self-harm, child abuse, depression, drug/alcohol abuse and eating disorders. If it doesn't appear in this chapter, it will in the others so be aware.
--I'll be updating this as often as I can. I'm deleting my old works, and this will be my main work until it's completion. If you are looking for my old works, I will revise them with time. Thank you to all my fans.
“Well, this was it”, he thought to himself mumbling ever so slightly, “his fourth year”. Draco rubbed his hands together in an attempt to warm his otherwise frost-bitten hands. He stared outside his dorm window and caught glimpses of the ant-like people walking beneath him. Their robes made them turn into big black blobs all mixing together, moving around and bumping into each other. Most students were in such a rush during this time of year, hurrying to settle back into their dorms or meet back up with their friends. He had seen Crabbe and Goyle down there some time ago, but they hadn’t yet come to greet him. He probably wasn’t one of their top priorities, perhaps they went straight to the great hall to see if they could pinch some extra food to stuff their faces before other students arrived. Regardless, this was mutually beneficial. He enjoyed being alone. He didn't have to put on an act to please his father or his friends or to convince other students that his reputation was an accurate description of who he was as a person. Draco didn’t really care about pure bloods and so called mudbloods, not enough to wish death on the latter anyway. It’s not like he really had a choice. He had to follow the same beliefs as his father, or he would risk becoming the weak link in the Malfoy family and simultaneously dishonour his lineage in the process. He won't deny that when he was younger that he too believed in the vision, but he was younger then and hadn’t seen the other side of the coin. As time continued to pass and Draco developed his own thoughts and beliefs, he wondered more and more why people could possibly think purebloods were somehow stronger or better than mudbloods. Afterall we both carried the same gene and no witch or wizard had more or less of it. Perhaps Voldemort made these beliefs more credible as those who didn't follow him ended up dead one way or the other. To control people with fear. He thought that Voldemort was similar to his father in this way. He often wondered what would happen if Voldemort came into power again. Would he become another mindless sheep? Or would he somehow prevail against the odds? Would he be able to express how he really felt about Potter and hold his hand in victory. Or was this a ridiculous thought to begin with? He doubted that all death eaters truly held the same xenophobic attitudes as Voldemort. It could’ve very well been the fear that forced them into it. Draco wished on every shooting star that the dark times would never come back. He smiled to himself privately each time Potter snuffed out Voldemort. As every year passed it was becoming increasingly more convincing that Potter was untouchable, brave and resilient like no other. These attributes are what initially attracted Draco to him, after he got over the fact that Potter had rejected his offer of friendship in their first year of course. Draco wondered if it would ever be possible for them to be together, or if Potter was even gay in the first place. What a ridiculous thought. Technically Harry wasn’t a mudblood but instead a half blood. Would that make it somehow less bad? If his father could get over the fact that Draco was into men that was and of course get over the fact that it was Harry Potter whom he was interested in. He wished he could live in an alternate universe where he didn't have to be the man who he was born to be and instead could live a life free to make his own choices and decisions. But any universe that didn’t have Harry in it seemed like one he had no interest in.
As he let his thoughts wander off into blissful nothings, he was brought back into reality by the sound of other students hurrying past them with their belongings. Slytherins, late as usual. He was the first of his house to arrive. Not from his own willpower but rather because his father made sure that he would arrive early. If nothing else it kept the Malfoy name in check, or his father thought it did. In reality nobody really paid that much attention to him. Draco walked over to his trunk and fiddled through his belongings trying to find his comb. His hair was messy and almost standing upright due to his window hovering. The morning assembly would begin in about an hour or so. All the students would head down to the great hall to receive their timetables and watch the first-year students get sorted into the houses. It was quite tedious, but Draco enjoyed watching the show, especially when a student got sorted into the house that they were hoping for. The smile on their face was almost always worth the boring assembly. Though he had to hide this excitement more often than not. His life was all about reputations, but he knew that he had one thing that he could control, and he wasn’t going to let anybody take that away from him or let anybody find out either.
Draco felt the cold metal on his fingertips and successfully retrieved his comb from his trunk. He walked over to the shared bathroom and locked the door behind him. He stared at himself in the mirror for what felt like a little bit too long. He felt as if he was staring at somebody who wasn't really him. His silver hair and pale skin made him look like his body had been printed in black and white by mistake. As if this skin sack belonged to somebody else and he had just borrowed it for the day. His soul was inside trying to rip through the skin and break free, longing to explode into a multitude of colours. He wished every day that he was not who he was. But he was and there was not much he could do about it. He was stuck into the life he was born into. He let out a short uneven breath as he lifted his shirt and stared at his stomach. The disappointment was evident on his face. Draco wiped the tears from his eyes and took in another deep breath. He turned to the side and tried to suck in but all he could see was his imperfections. He wished he could be perfect, or rather trade in this sack of skin for another. Draco touched his bruised stomach and winced thinking about his father beating him just two days earlier. He was happy that the holidays were over, especially since he was treated like a prince at Hogwarts. People either respected him or were afraid of him due to his reputation which felt somewhat good oddly enough. Probably because it was nothing like how he was treated at home. He sighed as he carefully combed through his silver locks and tried to rearrange them to make him look somewhat decent. Still unsatisfied with his appearance, he brought his wand to his hair and stated clearly “Crinus Muto” (a transfiguration spell to change one's hair colour or hair style). His hair delicately fell into place, it was a much edgier hairstyle than his usual prim and proper one. The hair colour hadn’t changed, that would definitely make his father angry. But something as subtle as a hairstyle should be okay. Maybe a new appearance could be nice, even if it wasn’t anything too noticeable. A new year and a new style. He liked the idea of that. He closed the bathroom door and jogged down to the quidditch changing rooms to get some exercise in before the day started. As he arrived he went to his locker which was painted in green with a giant silver S on it. This wasn't his doing but rather his fathers. Maybe to remind him of what house he truly belonged to. He didn't mind either way but he really hated the colour green. Looking through the cold metal locker he reached for his journal and began to write his entry for today. This gave him more peace of mind than just going with the flow and eating whatever was available. Things were safer this way, and the world was smaller.
Monday:
Breakfast: Nothing.
Lunch: 1 medium apple + glass of orange juice
Dinner: Plate of boiled or steamed vegetables
Exercise: 1 hour of Quidditch training
He carefully closed the notebook and slipped it back into his locker. Last week was good but this week had to be even better. Draco grabbed his broom and shivered as he stepped onto the field. The cold morning air brushed against his skin causing goosebumps to form on his thin arms and pale legs. He shuddered once more before sitting on his broom and lifting off. The numb-like high was worth it. The feeling of control and peace. Nobody could touch him. He was nearing the hour mark as he had promised himself, he would. However, a gust of wind was approaching and threatened to push Draco off his broom. He struggled to keep his balance, but the cold had made his hands numb-like as well. His hands were pretty much useless in stopping the inevitable. He tried his best to position the broom so he would at least have a safe landing but within seconds he had crashed onto the field. Right on top of Ron Weasley who was strolling through the field, likely admiring the decorations for the upcoming quidditch game next week. "Get off me Malfoy!" Ron scowled. Draco was running on empty, and the sudden change of altitude made it a bit of a struggle for him to stand up. He didn’t say anything in reply and tripped over himself twice but eventually found his footing, feeling ashamed that somebody had seen him so weak. "Need some help there, Malfoy?" Harry asked as he approached Ron and helped him to his feet. He looked the blonde up and down. Draco looked much thinner than he was last year and not in a good way. "Not from somebody like you," Draco said as he glared at the two of them, bumping past them and walking away. Ron's anger quickly got the best of him, and he chased after Draco, pushing him from behind so he fell to his knees "Don't be such a twat, Harry was only trying to help" he spoke through gritted teeth. Draco caught his breath before slowly standing and approaching Ron "Never touch me again" Draco said menacingly enough that Ron backed away. Draco dusted himself off and walked back to the changing rooms, trying not to pass out or appear any weaker than he already had.
He checked the time. It was seven. The morning assembly would begin soon. Draco's hand brushed over his stomach, it was aching from the fall and the giant bruise in the middle of it wasn't helping either. He grabbed his notebook back out of his locker, sliding it into his pocket. He hurried down to the great hall, hearing the bell ring as he walked down the endless hallways. He flattened his robes along the way. Once he arrived, he looked around before taking his seat next to Crabbe and Goyle. Neither of them bothered to speak to Draco or even look up at him and that was when he realised that his assumptions were correct. They had pinched food earlier and with their heads hung low to avoid suspicion, were quietly munching away. Draco rolled his eyes. He watched the new years as they got sorted into their different houses. Only five for Slytherin this year. It seemed as though Slytherin was dwindling more and more each year. Due to population alone it would be almost impossible for them to beat the other houses this year. Draco had wished that they could win just once, not to gloat or to spite the other houses but to make his father proud of him for something, though he doubted he would receive more than a handshake for the effort. It would be worth it though, for him at least.
As the assembly was coming to an end everybody took off their ties and threw them in the air to celebrate their different houses and the new students whom they had acquired. The green, red, blue and yellow of the other houses mixed together into beautiful shades of different colours. It was a sight to behold. The light reflecting in from the windowsills turned them into a rainbow of colours and it seemed as if they were almost glowing for a split second. Colours. Draco loved colours. His favourite wasn’t actually green as everybody had probably assumed but rather red. It was a strong colour that refused to let anybody dim its light. That's how he wished he could be. His home was almost completely absent of any colour at all, it was a family mansion which was dull and old and used to scare him quite a bit as a child but now doesn’t bother him as much as it used to. Hogwarts was so different in comparison, yes it could be dull and was most definitely an old building but at the same time it had colour, life and even happiness. Something his home never had. Hogwarts was his true home. He wondered if anybody else felt that way or if these thoughts were strange. He looked down to his hands and the timetable which he was holding, breakfast would be in half an hour and his first class was divination. Draco groaned at his luck. He would probably skip breakfast if he had the option, he had been doing ‘good’ with his not eating thing and didn’t want to give it up for the sake of keeping up appearances. Well, other people probably wouldn’t define it as good but the control he got from not eating was a bit more important to him than doing something ‘good’ or not. He battled with the choice of coming to breakfast or not and decided that he would go but he wouldn't eat anything. This way he could avoid suspicion and it made him feel powerful to be able to resist eating while others were stuffing their faces.
“Did you have a nice morning, Harry?” Hermione asked but the annoyed look on her face showed she wasn’t that interested. Ron and Hermione probably had another one of their fights. “It was good, '' Harry shrugged and poked his potatoes. Harry found his eyes drifting over to Draco. He noticed how Draco's eyes remained low, never looking up at anybody. His plate was untouched, and his usual thin frame looked more skeletal than ever. He looked especially thin when he saw him on the quidditch field in a shirt and shorts. He looked like he had been stripped of everything except for his skin and bones.
Draco's mind was spitting insults at him from all directions, and he needed release. Staring at the plate of food in front of him made him feel like gagging. ‘This was the only thing he could control’ he thought to himself before abruptly standing up. Pansy looked at him confused, waiting for an explanation. “I’m leaving,” Draco said without lifting his head up. “But you haven’t eaten anything yet,” Pansy said, whining. He glared over at her “Shut up. I can do whatever I want” Draco said with a dangerously low voice. Pansy stopped talking and returned to eating and Draco took that as an opportunity to leave. Harry studied the blonde leaving before spooning some peas into his mouth, “I have to go, talk soon” he told his friends, not bothering to stay around for their answer.
Draco sighed with relief once he reached an open window. His favourite spot. He looked around, making sure nobody was around and climbed out onto the roof. Sitting in his usual spot, he dangled his feet off the edge and reached into his pockets for a box of cigarettes, which he thought was a rather ingenious muggle invention. The cold air was relentless against his pale small frame and goosebumps had already appeared on his arms. Draco reached into his pocket as he fumbled around for his lighter. He shivered as he pressed the lifeless cigarette to his chapped lips. He brought his other hand to his mouth as a way of sheltering the cigarette from the wind. The flickering light illuminated his otherwise hidden nicotine-stained teeth and blue, silver eyes; eyes corrupted by loss and pain. But what loss exactly? Perhaps loss for his former self or loss from having to pretend to be somebody who he wasn’t. Regardless, it was there, and the pain was always lingering. The toxic smoke danced around him and expanded into beautiful wisps of vapour before disappearing in front of him. The slight head-rush feeling helped numb him from his toxic thoughts. He stayed fixated on the smoke as he pulled another drag. Draco was infatuated with distracting himself with his pain, so much so that he flirted with death on a regular basis. The stick grew shorter with each drag and Draco felt a slight burn against his fingertips before he extinguished the flame. Draco pulled another out of the pack and quickly lit it. He felt peace flooding his mind as the toxins entered his lungs.
Harry stared at the blonde from out the window, not quite sure what to make of him. Was he smoking? Harry pulled himself up and slid his legs over the windowsill before coming out onto the roof. “I thought you learned your lesson and quit after almost being expelled last time.” Harry said as he sat down next to him. Draco opened one of his eyes and looked at the mysterious person before realising it was Harry. He let out a large sigh and closed his eyes again, taking another hit. “Are you going to tell?” Draco asked through a puff of smoke. Harry looked at him and felt pity “no” he said, eyeing him. Draco laughed at him, “then all's well that ends well, right? Besides, I'm only going to smoke one.” Harry shook his head, unsure of what to say next. Harry decided on changing the subject, “what are you doing up here anyway? You’re not going to jump are you?” Harry whispered as Draco took in another deep breath of smoke before opening his eyes. “I could ask you the same question, why are you up here?” Draco replied, staring down at the school grounds beneath them. Harry looked at him for a moment before reluctantly telling him the truth, “I followed you, Malfoy” he said. Draco glared over at him, “Now, what would make you want to do that?” Draco angrily spat at him as he reached for his wand from his robe pocket. Harry saw Draco's hand move to his wand from the corner of his eye and moved over from him, trying to distance the space between them. “I was worried about you”, Harry said, staring at the cigarette in his other hand. Draco didn't reply to this and he felt Dracos unease around the subject. Harry came to sit down next to him. They sat like that in silence for a few minutes and Harry watched Draco finish his cigarette and light another. “Malfoy, why do you smoke?” he asked. Draco looked at the roof then up at him "I, I don't know.” Draco said in a voice that was uneven before stabilising himself and answering, “Because It’s just something that I do Potter” Draco said shrugging. Harry wondered what he meant by that. “But why do you do it?” Harry asked, confused. “I don’t know Potter, just forget it” he spat at him as he brought the cigarette to his lips. Harry let out a small sigh, “It’s okay. We don’t have to talk about it” Harry said as he moved closer to Draco. He flinched as he felt Harry's shoulder pushing against his and he quickly moved away, wincing. Harry eyed the blonde “Did you fall off your broomstick or something?” he asked, jokingly trying to hide his concern. “You know damn well that I did” Draco spat back as he recollected himself. “Sorry, I was trying to lighten the mood. Did you manage to get to Madam Pomfrey?” Harry asked as he reached for Dracos shirt to access the damage. Draco quickly spun his head around, grabbing Harry's arm, “I told you to drop that shit. I’m fine.” Draco sighed before letting go of his arm. Harry stared at Draco, he wanted to drop it, he really did but he found himself intrigued with what was going on with the Slytherin. This was probably the first civil conversation he had ever had with the boy. “Well, whatever the case, you should go to Madam Pomfrey. I’ll take you” Harry said kindly, reaching for his hand. Draco pulled away further and stared at him for a minute “Why do you care?” he stopped before changing his reply, “I mean why are you acting so nice to me?” Draco looked at Harry, trying to figure out if he had an ulterior motive or not. “I’m not being nice, Draco. If you're hurt, you should get it treated”. Draco shook his head, taking in another drag of smoke as he looked at the grounds below him. “It’s Malfoy, not Draco…” he paused “...and I’m not hurt” Draco replied with caution.
Draco quickly finished off his cigarette and flicked it off the roof as he stood and turned to leave. “Wait Malfoy!” Harry said quickly “You have Divination first, right? Same as me. Did you want to walk together?” Draco sighed at the nosey Gryffindor, “and what would your friends or the rest of the school think about that? No thank you” he said plainly before following up on his sentence, “Potter. We can’t talk like this. We aren’t friends.” Harry walked over to him, handing him his before lighter that he left on the roof. He stared into the blonde's eyes “Why can't we be friends then?” Harry said, pressing the subject. Draco found himself rattled by this. Why would Potter want to be his friend? “You were the one who rejected my offer of friendship, remember Potter? Draco said. Harry shook his head “I only did that because you were being rude to Ron and I didn’t like that, but that was then and this is now. Why can't we be friends now?” Draco stared at Harry for a while before replying, “Because Potter, you’re the golden boy of Gryffindor and I’m the heartless prince of Slytherin who is cold-hearted and spiteful”. Harry shook his head “You are not heartless. You don’t need to pretend around me”. Draco didn’t like this answer. The person who had to pretend to be was most certainly heartless, and that made him heartless too. He deserved the consequences that came with living in his body. This wasn’t an alternate universe after all. He glared at him, “I’m leaving.” he said silently before he crawled back into the castle through the open window and made his way to class.
Draco walked the corridors alone, earning multiple stares from other houses. Death glares, from Gryffindors, cautious glares, from Ravenclaws, and worried glances from Hufflepuffs. He walked up the stairs to Divination, his head hung low to avoid any human eye contact. His encounter with Harry had shaken him quite a bit. Perhaps he had let his guard down for too long or let his mask slip too much. He knew he had to be the person who everybody thought he was but when it was just him and Harry, he found it difficult to pretend. Once Draco reached his class, he opened the door with caution, about half of the class were inside, and he realised he was early which was a nice surprise. Once the rest of the class joined, Ms. Trelawney began, “Ah, Welcome! Let’s get started, shall we? First, let’s put you into pairs that I have chosen for you!” These pairs will hopefully broaden your horizons and give you the chance to get to know other students who are not in the same house as you”. She fixed her big round glasses and pointed towards the pairs,
“Ron Weasley, Cedric Digory!”
“Hermione Granger, Pansy Parkinson!”
“Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy!”
“etc”
Draco and Harry made brief eye contact before Harry walked over to the table Draco was at while Ms. Trelawney continued to tell them what to do next. Ms. Trelawney walked up and down the classroom, stared at the pairs she created before settling down at her desk. “Now that you all have your pairs, your assignment is to use one of the spells we have learned in our past classes last year to look into the other person's mind, your task is to find out one secret about the other person. You will only pass if you successfully get your partner to admit a secret that they have not told anybody else, otherwise it would not be considered a secret, now, would it? You will have until the end of the day to complete the task. The ball will change colours if you pass or stay the same if you have failed. Oh, and everybody will need to return the balls before eight tonight or else I will have to consider it an automatic fail. You may begin!” Ms Trelawney, who was quite happy with her speech, reached into her desk and grabbed a book to read as she sipped her cup of tea. Draco didn't bother to look up to meet Harry's eyes again, he felt him walk over to his desk, but he didn’t care much for this activity. He simply just looked at the crystal ball in the middle of the table, getting lost in his own negative thoughts about himself. He heard mumbling coming from Harry but ignored it until he heard his name being called out, “Malfoy?” Harry asked again. Draco slowly lifted his head up and raised an eyebrow, “Yes?” Draco asked halfheartedly. Harry looked him up and down, thinking of their conversation on the roof before replying, “I think we should choose you”. “Why’s that?” Draco retorted. “Mostly because everyone already knows everything about me, it wouldn’t count as a secret, and we would fail.” Harry said, shrugging his shoulders. “No thanks, my secrets are none of your concern” Draco said, zoning out again. “Stop that,” Harry said abruptly. Draco looked up at Harry with a confused look “What?” Draco asked, not fully aware of his surroundings. “Stop zoning out, it’s not helping our assignment.” Harry said, reaching for his notebook. Draco didn’t respond, he only shrugged his shoulders. “What’s wrong with you, Malfoy?” Harry asked with a genuine look of concern plastered upon his face.
Draco shrugged his shoulders again, “Nothing Potter.” Draco refused to tell Harry any of his secrets, even if it meant failing the assignment. “That’s a lie Malfoy, I mean look at you, it’s depressing to see you like this.” Draco wearily looked up at Harry “Listen, Potter, I am fine.” he said raising his hands. Harry shook his head as he brought his voice to a low whisper “No you're not. You look horrible.” Draco shot Harry a violent glare “Shut up, I said I was fine.” Harry sighed and asked him again, “Malfoy, what happened to you?”. Draco felt tears forming and he gulped, forcing them back into his body. Harry sighed, “Look Malfoy, I can't help you unless you tell me what’s wrong.” Draco angrily whispered, “how many damn times do I have to tell you that I’m fine, huh? I don’t need your help.” He said before slamming his book shut and throwing it into his bag.
“This assignment?” Harry asked as Draco stood from his seat. “I’m not doing this bullshit” Draco snapped with anger as he smacked the crystal ball onto the floor, smashing it to pieces. Harry looked over at him, “Nice job Malfoy. Now we’re both going to get in trouble”. Ms. Trelawney rushed to the scene “What happened here?” she asked with a look of horror on her face. Draco crossed his arms and did not respond, and Harry didn’t reply either. Ms. Trelawney shook her head “I’m disappointed in both of you, detention at 8 pm and you will grab a new crystal ball from the desk.” “Bullshit” Draco muttered. Harry shook his head, “Well it's your fault Malfoy, I don't understand why you wouldn’t let me see one secret”. “Shut up Potter. I told you that I’m not doing this bullshit.” Draco replied blankly before leaving the room. Harry watched Draco leave, his walk had lost its usual confident swagger and he rarely looked anyone in the eye. If someone would even accidentally brush his arm in the corridors he would just flinch and back away. Harry wanted to find out more about Draco. He wanted to know what had happened to him during the holidays. Last year he was a giant genocidal bully but now? What was he now? Harry knew that everybody had their own demons but Dracos seemed like it was eating him alive. What was he now? That was the question. Or rather, who was he now? Harry had made up his mind, he was going to find out what was going on, whether Draco liked that idea or not. But if Harry wanted to know the truth, he knew that he had to tread carefully.
-END OF CHAPTER 1-