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Weak.
Weak.
Weak.
The word flooded Sam’s mind, forcing him to drown in his failure.
You’re weak. People died because of you, Sam.
“Stop…” he mumbled through gritted teeth, his voice cracking as hot tears rolled down his face.
He was feeling so much.
He was feeling too much.
But he deserved it; he deserved to feel all this pain.
He was single-handedly responsible for hurting everyone around him. Nobody was safe with him around.
But the emotional pain wasn’t enough… Sam deserved to bleed.
Do it, Sam. Grab that blade and slice your wrists open.
Sam whimpered at the thoughts in his head, trying - and failing - to shut them out.
Don’t be a coward! You seriously think you deserve to be cowardly after everything you’ve done?
Sam knew it was wrong; but at the same time, it felt so right.
Eventually, the youngest Winchester lost the battle; grabbing the blade and making the first cut.
His breath hitched at the icy sting as he watched the cut form and the blood start to leak out of the wound.
He felt so relieved.
After that first cut, his arm relaxed, and he got to thinking of everyone he loved.
He went in for another one, 'for mom' he thought.
Another one for his father,
And another for Jessica,
One for Bobby, Cas, Ellen, Jo,
And of course, Dean…
One for letting him go to hell,
Betraying his trust,
Freeing Lucifer,
He kept going until tears blurred his vision, shades of red all blending together.
Sam’s skin was littered with bright red ravines, and he looked at them in shame.
He was so pathetic that he lost to his own hand.
He was-
“Sam? You in there?” His brother called from the other side of the door.
Sam was too scared to respond.
He couldn’t let Dean see him like this; he would be so disappointed.
Sam just watched the door like a deer in headlights, helpless to do anything about the situation.
He messed up and he just wanted to disappear.
“Sammy? I’m coming in.”
This was it. Sam lost. He curled up against the bathroom wall and hid his face in his knees, not wanting to see the look of disgust and disappointment on Dean’s face when he would inevitably walk through that door.
When the older Winchester walked through the door, he was greeted with a sight he certainly didn’t expect.
There was blood on the cold tiles, an open switchblade discarded on the floor, and his little brother with an arm littered with cuts.
He rushed to his brothers side, grabbing his arms and examining the self inflicted wounds.
“Oh Sammy…” he said sadly.
Sam could only cry more, hanging his head in shame.
“I’m s-so s- sorry, De- Dean…” he sobbed.
Dean pulled his brother close and cradled him against his chest, whispering soft nothings and stroking his hair.
“Shh, It’s ok Sammy, I’m not mad at you…”
The younger cried into his chest, clutching the elder’s shirt as if he was going to disappear.
Dean held his baby brother just as tight, his own tears threatening to spill.
He knew Sam wasn’t at his best as of late, but he didn’t think it was this bad.
He thought about everything Sam had been through the past year, let alone his whole damn life.
He thought about everything he’d said to Sam during their heated arguments; the things he didn’t mean but said in a blind rage.
He thought about that dreadful night that he had lost Sam.
He hugged Sam even tighter, the younger’s broken sobs not slowing in the slightest.
“Sammy, why didn’t you tell me it was getting this bad…” He asked in a quiet voice, keeping Sam close to his chest, not caring about getting blood on his clothes.
Sam struggled to speak through his cries but tried nonetheless.
“Y-You shouldn’t ha- have to d-deal with m- m- me..” he gasped out, his breathing ragged and shallow.
The elder felt a sudden spark of anger in his chest, pulling away and grabbing the younger’s face.
“Sammy, look at me! I’ve been protecting you my whole damn life!” His voice was filled with emotion as he spoke.
“I protect you because you’re my baby brother and I love you! It’s not dealing with you, it’s called being your big brother. Don’t you dare think, even for a second, that you are a burden to me!”
He wiped away Sam’s tears, shedding a couple of his own.
“Sammy, I love you more than anything else on the planet and as long as you’re safe, nothing else matters to me. You’re my baby brother and I will always keep you safe, no matter what…”
Dean held Sam’s head against his chest and pressed a kiss to the younger’s forehead.
“I love you so much, Sammy. Don’t you ever forget that..”
Fresh tears streamed down Sam’s face, wetting the fabric of Dean’s shirt.
Hearing how much his big brother cared about him overwhelmed him with emotions, both good and bad. He held onto Dean and let out all of his feelings.
“I l-love you t-too, D-Dean…” he managed to get out through his tears.
Dean smiled and pressed another kiss into the soft brown locks.
“We’re gonna work through this together, just like always, Okay? You and me.”
Sam nodded against Dean’s chest.
The elder ran his fingers through Sam’s hair, relieved when the younger’s breathing started to even out.
Dean pulled away and wiped the tears from Sam’s face, giving him a comforting smile.
“Alright, here’s what we’re gonna do.”
He carefully pulled away, standing up and shutting the toilet lid, gesturing for Sam to sit.
He grabbed the duffel bag from the other room and pulled out the first aid kit, laying out the necessary contents.
“We’re gonna clean and wrap up those nasty cuts, and then you’re gonna go sit down and pick a movie.”
He starts wetting a washcloth and sets it aside, casually bending down and picking the bloody switchblade off the floor so Sam wouldn’t have to look at it.
“Then I’m gonna make us some popcorn and we’re gonna watch whatever crappy movie you want, within reason!” Dean pointed a finger at Sam, giving him a light-hearted glare.
Sam chuckled softly. “Got it. No rom-coms.”
The elder laughed and pat his brother on the shoulder.
He cleaned and bandaged Sam’s arm, making casual conversation so Sam wasn’t wholly focused on the cuts.
When they were all finished, Dean lightheartedly pushed Sam out the bathroom door, telling him to go pick a movie.
Dean finished wiping down the bathroom and made them some popcorn, Sam having selected his movie of choice.
They sat on the couch together and before Sam pressed play, he hugged his big brother once more.
“Thank you, Dean… you’re the best brother I could ever ask for.”
Dean was slightly taken aback, but returned the hug, giving Sam a kiss on the forehead.
“No problem, Sammy. I’ll always be here to look out for you.”
He pulled back and grinned, tousling the younger’s hair. “Alright, alright, enough chick flick moments.. you gonna press play, or what?”
Sam laughed and nodded, starting the movie and relaxing into the couch, comforted by his big brother’s presence.