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"I must admit, I quite like the way you look in the morning."
Wylan flushed and he covered the smile that grew on his face. To say he wasn't used to compliments was an understatement. But since meeting Jesper it's all he ever seemed to receive. Sometimes it almost felt overwhelming and he wanted to run away or shout at Jesper that none of it was true. But Jesper always seemed to know when Wylan was feeling that way, and paired his words with a hand on Wylan's cheek, or a deep look into his eyes that said ' Please don't run away. Just let me tell you the truth.' Jesper held his chin lightly and lifted it up so he could brush his lips against Wylan's, just a memory of what they had done the night before. Wylan sighed contentedly and let Jesper put his arm around him, burying himself into Jesper's chest and shutting his eyes again, enjoying the noise of Jesper's heartbeat steadily thumping under his ears.
"Are you hungry? Nina once mentioned a breakfast place that set waffles on fire." Jesper said. Wylan furrowed his brow. That sounded ridiculous. "Or was it sausages? I don't know, can't remember, I wasn't really listening to be honest..."
"I- I don't know if I'm really ready for breakfast yet." Wylan interrupted, looking up at Jesper with a look in his eye which he hoped suggested what he wanted to suggest. And judging by the smug grin and noise that escaped Jesper's lips, it worked.
They kissed again, deeper, and Wylan brought his hand round to the nape of Jesper's neck to pull him down on top of him, which Jesper gladly allowed. He rolled them over and Jesper was leaning over Wylan, pushing him into the mattress, his hands constantly moving from his neck to his arms as if he couldn't decided which part of Wylan he wanted to touch. Wylan couldn't care less where he was touching, just as long as he didn't stop. Jesper was pushing him down harder and Wylan's body was telling him he needed to pul away for air but why would he ever want to stop kissing the man above him? It was better than breathing, it was addictive, it was-
Knock knock knock knock knock.
Jesper was gone and Wylan gasped at the sudden lack of contact.
"No!" He shouted in the vague direction of the door.
"Downstairs now. Ravka needs saving." Kaz said in his monotone voice. At least he had the decency to knock.
Wylan's head fell back onto the pillow and he sighed. Jesper was looking down at him with a fond but apologetic smile. Wylan reached a hand up to run his fingers down Jesper's neck.
" Please. How serious can it be? We can be fast, I promise." Wylan whispered, leaning up and kissing the skin his fingers had just touched. Wylan grinned when Jesper shuddered and bit his lip. "Don't go."
Jesper stared at Wylan for a little while longer, his eyes scanning up and down Wylan's body with a hungry look. Wylan enjoyed it very much. But then he squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head, as if snapping himself out of a trance. He rolled off Wylan and rubbed his hands up and down his face before climbing off the bed completely and going to his wardrobe.
"I'm sorry. You know I want to, like, really want to. But if Kaz says he needs us then..." Jesper said, trailing off at the end. Wylan sighed, then nodded, climbing out of bed and well and making his way to Jesper to pull him into a hug. Jesper pressed a kiss to the top of his head. "Besides, I don't want to be fast. I want to take my time with you Wy."
Jesper spoke in a low whisper which made a shiver run down Wylan's spine.
"Meanie." Wylan muttered, hitting Jesper's chest lightly.
Wylan was lying in the sleeping quarters of their boat, a pillow over his face and trying to ignore how familiar the rocking sensations felt. No matter how hard he tried though, unbidden flashbacks flew at him every now and then, causing an alarming constricting feeling around his throat. His head was pounding though, like someone was hitting it repeatedly with a mallet. Probably something to do with Sankta Neyar trying to drain all the blood from his and his friends' bodies but he couldn't be entirely sure.
How did I get here, Wylan thought to himself. How did I get from living in the Geldstraat to fighting Saints and defeating The Darkling with a band of criminals.
Well, he knew exactly how it had happened. Memories were flooding back, too fast, consuming his brain and filling it up faster and faster like the rushing waters of the canals he'd jumped into all those years ago. His ears were ringing and he pulled the pillow closer over his face to cover his ears until it felt suffocating but was it really so bad if he couldn't-
"Wylan!"
Light rushed over his vision as someone ripped the pillow off his face. Wylan blinked a few times and saw Jesper standing over him, his eyes wide with worry. He threw the pillow across the room and sat on the bed behind Wylan against the headboard. Jesper pulled Wylan onto his lap and Wylan instinctively buried his face into Jesper's neck, breathing in his familiar scent of gunpowder and metal. Jesper stroked one hand comfortingly up and down Wylan's back and let the over run through Wylan's unruly hair. It was almost scary how easily Jesper was able to calm Wylan down. His heart rate slowed and his chest stopped heaving.
"Darling, what's wrong?" Jesper whispered into his ear, not stopping the ministrations with his hands. Wylan sighed, knowing the question was coming and how heavy the answer could be if he let it.
"I guess I just had a nightmare." He settled on, mumbling into Jesper's neck. He could tell Jesper didn't believe him by the way he huffed.
"Wanna tell me what it was about?" Jesper pressed on, not unkindly but just wanting to help Wylan. He appreciated it but... Was he ready? Would he ever be ready? Would Jesper still care about him after he found out?
"I- Before I tell you, you have to know there are some things about me that- Look Jesper I-" Wylan struggled to find the words, pulling away from Jesper and looking down at his hands that he was frantically tapping on his legs in some random melody, a nervous habit. Jesper was looking at him with a very concerned look on his face.
"Hey, hey, hey." Jesper took Wylan's face in both of his big, calloused hands and held it gently, like Wylan would break in that moment if he squeezed too hard. "Deep breaths darling, don't pass out on me. I'm not gonna be mad if that's what you think, I just want to help you. Yeah?" Wylan nodded slowly and tried to follow the breaths that Jesper was taking.
"Okay... So I want to preface this with-"
"Everyone on deck now!"
Jesper groaned and let his head fall on Wylan's shoulder. Wylan stared straight ahead at the wall. Kaz. Again. Fucking hell, it's like that man was watching them. Jesper eventually raised his head and the look in his eyes was very familiar. The same one Wylan saw that morning Kaz had interrupted them before. The look that said 'Kaz needs me, so I go.'
"Jesper this um-" Wylan tried for a polite smile but he knew it looked strained and frustrated. "This is kind of important. Can we just wait a couple of minutes? Please?"
Jesper, looking like it actually pained him which Wylan thought was ridiculous, nodded. Wylan opened his mouth to speak again but then they heard footsteps and muffled voices from above them. Clearly the rest of the crew were making plans. Wylan felt Jesper start anxiously tapping his back over and over again. Wylan sighed, cursed Kaz Brekker in every language he'd learned, and swung his legs off of Jesper's legs, making a move for the door.
"Wait but you said it's-" Jesper began, trying to sound like he didn't want to go upstairs and hear what everyone was talking about. Wylan appreciated the effort.
"The plan is more important. Ravka needs saving, right?" Wylan said quietly, pressing a chaste kiss to Jesper's lips and letting him run upstairs, groaning before he followed him.
"Meet Wylan Van Eck. Jan Van Eck's son and our guarantee on 30 million kruge."
Oh. He knew. Wylan's face went red hot as his face turned bright red and the flush spread down his neck. He felt Jesper's previously soft touch on his shoulder change to a tight grip that almost hurt and he flinched. He couldn't look anywhere other than Kaz, who was staring at him, blank faced as usual, but with an almost smug glint in his eyes. Wylan wanted to punch him. No one said anything for a while, or maybe they did. Wylan couldn't be sure because the only thing he could hear was his heart pounding and the blood rushing in his ears. He felt like he could collapse.
"Wylan?" Jesper said in a strained voice but with a strange desperate laugh, as if he didn't want to believe what was just being said to him. "Is this true? Is Kaz being serious right now?"
"How-" His voice was rough and scratchy so he cleared his throat, the noise sounding like it was thundering through the silent room. "How long have you known?"
"Long enough." Kaz said with a shrug.
Oh yeah, Wylan definitely wanted to punch him.
"And how long is long enough?" Jesper retorted, his voice shaking. The tone made Wylan nervous. He couldn't understand how Jesper was feeling, whether he was mad at Kaz or mad at Wylan. It was driving him insane, he wanted to jump up and run out of the room but he knew that wouldn't help anyone, especially himself.
"Since I first hired him." Kaz finally answered. Jesper inhaled sharply and moved away from Wylan, beginning to pace the Crow Club, muttering endlessly under his breath. Wylan wanted nothing more than to go to him and hold him but he got the feeling Jesper didn't want that.
"That's months Kaz. How could you not tell me you knew?" Wylan said, trying to get his breathing under control. All this time, Kaz knew his biggest and most painful secret, and never disclosed that information. He probably knew that Wylan couldn't read either. He probably knew how much his father hated him. Every single bad memory was rushing back all at once, it was far too much to handle at once. And Jesper still hadn't stopped pacing.
"Wylan, calm down, your heart's beating faster than a hummingbird's." Nina crouched down in front of him and spoke in a quiet and calm voice. A warmth spread through his chest and he couldn't find it in himself to be mad at her for using her powers. At least he was feeling better. He looked to Jesper to find he was already staring at Wylan, an unreadable look in his eyes.
"Jesper." Wylan practically begged, his voice embarrassingly high pitched and whiny as he reached out a hand towards the man he loved. "Please."
They locked eyes for a while and Wylan tried to put everything into that one look. Every emotion he was feeling, all the love he had for Jesper, all their kisses and soft touches, all the promises of 'I swear I can explain but you have to choose me, please .' Jesper's fists were clenching and unclenching at his sides and Wylan could almost see the cogs turning in his brain. For one fleeting moment, Wylan thought Jesper had heard his pleas, truly understood everything Wylan was going through. Then Jesper looked away and walked to Kaz in long stomping strides.
"I'm going to my room. I'll be up there if you need me for anything else."
Then he was gone. And he didn't even look back for Wylan. He thought Nina said something to him, maybe "Oh Wylan, honey..." and he registered her arms wrapping around him as she pulled him into a tight hug, but he couldn't comprehend much other than Kaz following Jesper up the stairs only seconds after Jesper left.
After the whole debacle with Kaz knowing Wylan's secret and not telling anyone else, Wylan had been determined to not work with the Crows again. He had eventually gathered up the courage to go to his and Jesper's room where they promptly had a screaming match that echoed through the Slat. Insults were flung from each side, neither of them really meaning it but both too angry and upset to care. Wylan eventually stormed out of the room, tears streaming down his face and went back to his workshop to collapse, emotionally and physically exhausted, onto his small, now extremely lonely old bed. After that night he went back to the Tannery with his tail between his legs and begged for his job back, which he got, but with half the wages. Nina came to visit a couple times, bringing food and news but it wasn't the same. Once again, Wylan was starving, exhausted and alone.
Until Inej came back. She appeared in his workshop from the shadows as she so often does, and just the sight of her made him break down into tears. She held him as he cried and whispered soft words to him in Suli. He didn't understand any of it but it was comforting nonetheless. She told him that she also knew his true identity, had known with Kaz all along, but had begged Kaz to tell Wylan right from the start. It quelled Wylan's anger just a little bit, knowing that there was someone on his side.
"We need you Wylan." She had said to him as they sat on his bed eating some of the little rations he had left. "Like it or not, everything we did together makes you a Crow. Kaz would never say this but he values your skills."
"He told me I was just a hostage." Wylan had scoffed, rolling his eyes. "He couldn't give a shit about whether I'm in your gang or not."
"Maybe you were at first. And maybe that's what Kaz used to think you were good for. But I think he realises now that you're worth more. This job will be impossible without you. Plus..."
"Don't say it-"
"Jesper's been a nightmare."
Wylan dropped his head into his hands and groaned.
"Seriously Wylan, he's so moody, he shouts at anyone who annoys him even the slightest amount and he's been missing shots ." Inej said the last part in a low and dramatic voice, to which Wylan just raised an eyebrow. "Look, I'm being serious. I'm not saying you have to make out with him the moment you see him again or anything just, please reconsider. We could really use your help Wylan."
And the way Inej took his hand and smiled at him softly, well...
That's how he found himself on the Ferolind, on his way to Fjerda with the Crows plus a supposedly not-guilty convict that they'd broken out of Hellgate whilst he'd been gone, clutching at his chest and desperately trying to breathe again. They'd just been chased through Fifth Harbour by what felt like 100 different gang members and it had been far too long since Wylan had been in a fight. Inej was below deck fighting for her life with an injury that will not be fatal if the Saints are on their side, Matthias was chained up somewhere with Nina watching him, Kaz was furiously pacing around waiting for one of the Dregs to come back with the man who had stabbed Inej. And Jesper? Jesper was watching him.
Wylan scowled as he watched Jesper watch Kaz. He shouldn't feel jealous, he really shouldn't. But the bitter part of his mind was telling him that Jesper was doing it on purpose. He knew that Wylan could see, so he was blatantly staring at Kaz just to piss him off. Wylan huffed and looked at his arm which had twinged with pain earlier. He rolled up his sleeve and realised that he'd been cut, not too deep, but it was bleeding and would need to be bandaged up.
"Shit." He grumbled. Apparently it was loud enough to draw Jesper's attention because finally, he looked over and they made eye contact. Both of them froze and Wylan really studied Jesper for the first time. He looked just as exhausted as Wylan, gaunt and with dark circles under his eyes. They took each other's sad and dishevelled appearances in for a moment and Wylan thought, Ghezen what happened?
"You okay?" Jesper asked in a strained voice, looking down at the floor and clearing his throat. Wylan felt dazed and they'd only looked at each other for mere seconds. Maybe this was a mistake.
"Um, yeah, just a little cut." Wylan said, waving his arm in the air. Jesper nodded, not looking up from the floor. "It'll just need a little bandage, that's it." Again, Jesper didn't look up, only hummed in response. Wylan remembered a time where only a paper cut would lead to Jesper showering him in kisses as if the injury had been made with a sword.
A loud thud made them both look up and over to where Kaz was leaning against the edge of the boat and clutching his leg, but not the one that was usually in pain. He must have been injured in the fight as well. Jesper looked at Wylan for only a moment, but it felt like an hour.
No, please not now, this is cruel Jesper, this isn't even like the other times this is just out of spite. You don't have to do this, I know why you're doing this but please, we can just figure it out. Please, come to me, help me , I'm your boyfriend, I love you Jesper.
But as much as Wylan wanted to, he didn't say any of that. Instead, he watched as Jesper stood and walked over to Kaz, leaning on the edge of the boat next to him. They spoke in hushed voices for a bit, Kaz at first shooting harsh, angry words in Jesper's direction, but eventually he calmed and allowed Jesper to look at the wound on his leg.
Wylan furiously blinked tears out of his eyes as he scrambled up and ran across the deck and downstairs to the sleeping quarters to try and find any private corner he could curl up into and pretend he was anywhere else.
It was late. Two hours after Jesper said he'd be home from visiting Kaz at the Slat. Wylan didn't care that Jesper was having a late night with his friends, that would be ridiculous and possessive. He cared that it was starting to happen every time he went to the Slat. Jesper would tell him that he'd be going for a drink and would be back by 10 bells. Then 10 bells would come and go, and Wylan would lie in bed waiting for Jesper until he fell asleep. Jesper was always there in the morning, but Wylan never knew what time he arrived home. So that night, he was determined to find out when it would be.
Turns out, it was very very late. Wylan was... well he wasn't angry per se. More just frustrated that he was being left in the dark out of Jesper's plans. Why was he keeping them so secret? They were boyfriends, in love, Wylan was under the impression they told each other everything. When Jesper finally arrived home, Wylan was sketching in bed, the only thing that was keeping him awake.
"Wylan." Jesper said in shock, frozen in the doorway. "You're awake."
"And so are you." Wylan replied, setting down his sketchbook on their bedside table and looking him up and down. He looked odd, his clothes in disarray and his eyes gleaming. It was a familiar look on him. "Much later than you said you'd be."
"I know, I'm sorry, I should have left-"
"A note?" Wylan scoffed with a raised eyebrow. Jesper gulped.
"Okay, not a note you're right, I'm sorry. I'm not- Not really thinking straight right now can I just- Can I just go to the bathroom and clean myself up a little?" Jesper said all his words in a rushed tone. Wylan raised an eyebrow and looked him up and down again, pointedly.
"No! No, no, no, no!" Jesper yelled, sprinting to the bed and jumping next to Wylan. "Saints, I would never in a million years do that to you, I adore you so so much baby, you're my world! I've just... Fuck fine whatever, I've been doing jobs for Kaz at night."
"What?" Wylan said, blinking a few times. "I- I thought you were done. I thought we agreed that we were done. I mean we have all of this now and Kaz is... Well Kaz ."
"Come on, I know you enjoyed it just a little bit." Jesper scooted closer to Wylan and took both of his hands in his own. The gleam in his eyes grew. "Don't you miss the rush sometimes? The Geldstraat is so far away from the Barrel, where all the action is!"
"Where all the danger is." Wylan corrected. He brought one of Jesper's hands up to his lips and kissed it. "I don't want you to get hurt, can't you understand that? And the only reason I enjoyed any of that was because I was with you. And I had the added bonus of destroying my father's life. I can't say the criminal lifestyle was really my favourite."
Jesper's smile fell and he dropped Wylan's hand in favour of playing with them anxiously in his lap.
"But... Kaz needs me. I'm the best he's got, his second, I've got his back." Jesper said quietly. "And I- Wylan I love it here, you know I do. Having a home like this and it being with you is a dream come true but- Saints, I don't know Wylan maybe I'm broken. Sometimes I feel like bad is the only thing I'm good at."
"Jesper..." Wylan sighed, pulling him onto his chest and holding him tight. They laid like that together for a while, enjoying the feeling of being wrapped up in each other. Jesper's hands stilled eventually and settled on Wylan's hips, a steady grip. "You're good for so much more than what the Dregs have you doing. You help me out here. You're a brilliant gardener. You're kind and selfless. And you're loving, so so loving. You deserve more than whatever Kaz Brekker gives you."
Jesper didn't respond for a while and then Wylan understood. They weren't going to be able to find a compromise on this. Kaz was always going to need Jesper in some way or another and Jesper was always going to run after him. Wylan would be lying if he said it didn't hurt a little bit, but Kaz didn't get to have Jesper here in his arms like this. Wylan leaned his chin on the top of Jesper's head and shut his eyes.
"Please." Wylan tried anyway. "What about when I need you?"
"You always have me, love." Jesper said instantly.
Wylan just nodded.
Except for when he has you .
+1
"You taste delicious." Jesper said in a low voice after pulling away from a particularly deep kiss. He looked down at Wylan who was lying beneath him with a beaming smile.
"Well someone must have just made me a delicious dinner." He teased in response.
"Mmm, well how could I not? You deserve it my love." Jesper rubbed his nose against Wylan's fondly, who only snorted and grabbed him by the back of the neck to kiss him again.
It had been far too long since they'd had the free time to do something like this and Wylan was revelling in the feeling of Jesper crowding over him again, pressing him into the couch and kissing him harder and harder. It was overwhelming but in the best way possible. He was pretty sure he could stay in this position for hours on end and be happier than ever. He dug his fingers into Jesper's hair and gripped it tight, tugging slightly. Jesper pulled away with a strained noise and a laugh.
"Oh you're a menace do you know that?" Jesper said, sitting up on Wylan's hips and digging his fingers into his sides, tickling him until he giggled and shrieked. "Oh do you want me to stop? I suppose I could just get off completely-"
"Don't you dare." Wylan said through giggles he couldn't hold in, sitting up as well and capturing Jesper's lips with his own once more. This kiss was sweeter, no less passionate, but slower and a show of their care and love. It was Wylan's favourite kind of kiss. He looped his arms loosely around Jesper's neck and smiled into the kiss.
"Wylan..." Jesper whispered, pulling away from the kiss but staying close enough that their lips brushed when he spoke. "Wylan I want..."
"Anything... You can have anything, Jes."
"I want-"
Knock knock knock knock.
Wylan and Jesper both looked up at the same time in the direction of the door. They recognised that knock. It wasn't a fist on wood. It was a cane. Wylan felt a surge of something angry and foul rise up inside him and he tried desperately to push it down but judging by the look Jesper was giving him, it was showing pretty clearly on his face.
"If we just ignore him, he'll go aw-" Wylan tried to speak but was interrupted by the incessant rap of Kaz's cane once more.
"Jesper. I need to speak with you about the club."
Wylan clenched his fists tightly. This all felt eerily and annoyingly familiar. Jesper sighed and made a move to get off of Wylan and the couch.
"Where are you going?" Wylan asked.
"To see Kaz?" Jesper said as if it was obvious. His hand was on the living room doorknob when,
"Are you fucking serious right now?"
Jesper turned quickly at Wylan's words and tone. Wylan was stood by the couch, cheeks red and chest heaving. That angry, foul feeling had broken through and burst into his chest like fire. And Jesper saying he was going to see Kaz was the perfect amount of lighter fluid.
"This is the first night in over a month that we've been able to spend together because you've been going out on jobs for Kaz, and now you want to blow me off, for Kaz?!" Wylan was shaking, feeling like years worth of feelings were pouring out of him. "How many times are we going to be in the middle of something and you have to go because Kaz wants something? How many times are you going to side with him over me? You know, no matter how much you go running after him like a sad little puppy dog, he's never gonna like you back!"
Wylan slapped a hand over his mouth. Jesper was staring at him wide-eyed and slack-jawed. He hadn't meant to say that. Fuck . Jesper let go of the doorknob and leaned against the wall, staring at Wylan with a blank expression.
"You promised you'd never use that against me. You know that I'm- it's not easy for me to- Saints Wylan, you promised ." Jesper said, his voice breaking at the end. "I told you that because you said we weren't gonna be hiding things any more. I didn't think you were gonna use it as a weapon."
"Jesper that's not what I'm doing I just-" Wylan sat on the couch and groaned dropping his head in his hands. "Fuck! You have to understand how this isn't easy for me! Our entire relationship, I've always come second to Kaz fucking Brekker! You have to understand how that makes me feel like shit Jesper. Because I know that deep down, you are always gonna choose him over me."
"That's not fucking true don't put words in my mouth." Jesper said instantly, pointing a finger at Wylan. "I love you, Wylan. Only you."
"I know you love me Jesper. And I'm not saying that you can never see Kaz again, I would just like to take priority over him for once in our relationship."
"You're making it sound like I don't do anything for you Wylan." Jesper huffed. "You're being ridiculous, now please, can we save this for later? I need to go check on Kaz."
"This is what I fucking mean! We're fighting about you picking Kaz over me, and you want to stop this fight to pick Kaz over me!" Wylan stood and took Jesper's shoulders. "It's not even for a job he just wants to talk about something, please let it wait until tomorrow."
Jesper said nothing. Wylan bit his lip and nodded slowly.
"Just go." He said quietly.
"I'm not gonna leave you like this Wylan. You're upset and angry at me, how can I now just leave?" Jesper said, crouching in front of him. Wylan didn't look him in the eyes. If he did he would just start crying and that would be embarrassing.
"I would've gotten upset and angry if you'd left without me saying anything anyway." Wylan shrugged. Jesper recoiled slightly, a hurt look in his eyes. Wylan had an awful, awful feeling in his stomach. He hated that Jesper was upset. But he was upset too. This whole night had just turned terrible.
"So you just want me to go? Leave you like this?" Jesper asked helplessly, a desperate look in his eyes. Wylan thought maybe he truly had no idea what to do. Then the knock at the door sounded again and Jesper looked.
"You're needed. Elsewhere." Wylan said.
And that was that. Jesper pursed his lips and nodded. He stood and took a deep breath before leaning down and kissing Wylan's forehead. It burned on Wylan's skin and he tried for a smile but it fell almost as soon as it appeared. He watched as Jesper picked up his hat and left the room, and flinched when the front door slammed shut.
"Fuck." He muttered as he curled up on the couch and tried to sleep.