Chapter Text
Felix
One… Two… Three…
Three are the blinks it takes Felix to get his surroundings into focus. What has happened? The last thing he remembers is a flash of light and then being plunged into complete darkness. His head is spinning wildly, and he can feel a slight hammering at the back of his head, a migraine about to happen. He lets out a pained groan and lifts his hands to his head. At least it doesn't seem like there's a bump forming. Yet. On the other hand, it's not just his head that is hurting. His whole body feels kind of numb, as if he had hit the floor rather harshly, small pinpricks jabbing everywhere as he tries to readjust into a more comfortable position. He doesn't think he can sit yet, but at least he hopes to find a position in which his body will stop screaming at him.
“…Lix? You ok?”
Felix frowns. There is a voice, but it's not his, at least he doesn't think so. So, it's safe to assume that there is someone else with him. Either that or he has hit his head harder than he had thought, which is actually not great news. Making an effort, he searches inside of him and finally recovers the control of his eyelids. It feels like a win, at least. He really hopes the rest of his body won't be such a hassle. His eyes finally flutter open, and a pained whine escapes his parted lips. The lights above him are a tad too bright and they only worsen his headache.
“Oh god, that doesn't sound good. Lix? Can you tell me if you are ok?”
A face appears on his vision field, blocking momentarily the annoyingly bright light above him. Felix blinks, sighing while his vision readjusts to the sudden shade over him. Yeah, that's way better, thank you. In front of him, two dark eyes look at him full of worry, fluttering all over his face, searching for something they don't seem to find. Felix grimaces and tilts his head in confusion. Who is this person? Why do they know him? And why are they talking to him with so much familiarity? Are they his friend perhaps?
“Who…?” he starts, but his voice sounds rusty, a little bit raspy. Just saying those words turns up to be a conscious effort, as if something were blocking his airways. He bursts into a fit of coughing before he can finish his question.
The eyes in front of him widen, full of worry and what Felix thinks is panic. Why are they so worried for him? Yes, his head is hurting, but it's not that terrible, right? It's just a small headache, isn't it? Maybe a little bump. Of course, his whole body hurts, but it's not like has fallen or anything, right? While Felix starts to panic about his possible condition, the other person frowns at something they see on Felix's face, but Felix's brain can't think of anything better than smoothing that little crease with his fingers. Well, at least he isn't panicking anymore, is he? He can't help but wonder once more who the hell is this person and why do they seem so worried about him. Or, at least, he would if he wasn't still feeling dizzy.
“Channie-hyung?” A second voice asks from somewhere behind him. Felix wants to turn his head, but he feels as if he might pass out if he does it. Having knocked his head hard is starting to look more possible the more time goes by.
The other person closes their eyes, a tired sigh escaping their plump lips. Wow, why is he focusing so much on this person's eyes and lips? It feels as if his vision keeps on tunnelling towards them, unable to see the whole picture. An exhausted whimper forces him to refocus when the other person slumps in front of him. They are now far away enough from him to let Felix see them completely. Not tunnelling anymore, huh? The boy —Felix doesn't like to assume, but the other voice did call him hyung, didn't it? His head is fuzzy enough that he lets it slip easily. He'll worry about it when his head stops spinning for at least five minutes. It's kind of like being drunk, but not as fun. Did he get a concussion?— looks incredibly tired, but Felix's brain can only come up with one word. Pretty.
His head must definitely not be ok if he keeps going off on tangents at the smallest distraction. Every time his mind tries to grasp a thought, it just slips in between his metaphorical fingers, vanishing in the air. Or, better, it dissolves into a million of shining fireflies that dance around his head, rendering him unable to concentrate in just one. It's… well, it's frustrating. He shakes his head to clear it. He groans. Oooooh, bad idea. Very bad idea. Not only is he still confused, now he is also feeling sick. Great job, Felix, he inhales deep. Ok, one thing at a time. First, the person in front of you.
He refocuses his gaze into the boy's face. He really looks like shit. When was the last time he slept? His face is bloated, deep dark bags under his eyes. Has he been crying? It kind of looks like it. Felix's chest tightens at that. Huh. Weird. But he doesn't let himself dwell too much over it and continues his examination. The guy carries a crooked dark beanie, a bunch of messy brown curls escaping from it, framing his wet temple. Felix's eyes wonder down, following his chest and legs. The stranger is wearing a black tank top that show his muscular arms. Wow, the guy is buff. Felix swallows and adverts his gaze, feeling his ears heat up. What's wrong with him today? He's not usually this flustered when facing a boy, not even one as pretty —hot, a voice at the back of his head readily supplies. He's really hot— as this one. His head must have banged the floor pretty bad for him to be acting like this. He decides to leave his appreciation of the other's body for later. At this rate, if he continues like this, he might actually combust.
What he does, instead, is try to sit up and fail miserably at it, plopping back down with a pained oof. The boy rushes forward and helps him sit up slowly, this time much more successfully. Felix can feel a trail of fire in the place where the other has put his hand on his back. Why is he being so weird today? He is just being nice, Felix, get your shit together. He takes advantage his new sitting position and peers over the guy's shoulder. For the first time since he woke up, he notices a camera in a corner and two figures hunched around it, looking at him with worried expressions. Felix frowns his lips. He is starting to get really tired of so much worrying. He is fine, ok?
“Lix?” The guy asks again, sounding unsure, making Felix's attention snap back to him. Felix looks at his eyes, not sure of what the guy wants from him. Why does he keep on saying his name with such warmth? Why does his voice sound so vulnerable, as if saying anything more could break him in a million pieces? “Do you remember what happened?”
Felix blinks, confused, and tries to remember, reaching for the deepest corners of his mind. But no matter how much he pushes himself, he's unable to see beyond that blinding light that preceded the darkness. What does that even mean? Where does that light come from? Why do his memories end after that? He whimpers. This is an absolute mess. He doesn't trust his voice, so he settles with replying with a shake of his head.
The stranger sighs and hangs his head low, closing his eyes in defeat. Felix grimaces. For some reason it hurts being a part of that boy's anguish. Without noticing, his hand raises unsteadily, but he lets it fall quickly, not knowing what he was trying to do with that. He really is acting weird today.
“Hyung!” A new voice interrupts his train of thought.
This time, Felix feels awake enough to locate the voice, and turns his head in search of it. It feels as if he were on a pot of molasses, his whole body moving in slow motion. Behind him, at the door of the room he is in, three heads are sticking in, looking at him with worry. Felix can see from where he is sitting how their chests rise and fall quickly, showing the rush in which they probably had come. By the door, a forth person looks at them, indecision clear in their face. It seems like they want to get closer, but they don't dare.
“What happened?” One of the people in the door talks, drawing Felix's attention towards them. “We heard Yongbokkie had an accident during his live, but no one wanted to tell us anything.”
The boy in front of Felix sighs again, rubbing his temple. He seems to have aged ten years in the last ten seconds.
“Don't know, Bin, it's what I am trying to find out,” he says, his voice tired.
Was that Korean? Felix needs to focus extra hard to understand what those two are talking about. If only they talked slower…
The boy focuses his piercing gaze once more on Felix, going back to searching something in it, but when he doesn't seem to find it, the corners of his mouth turn down in despair. Felix finds himself mimicking the other's expression.
“Lixie… I am going to ask you some questions, ok?” The boy says carefully, as if testing the waters before diving in. “It's just a routine, ok? We need to check if you have a concussion. Do you think you can answer?”
Felix swallows. He is not so sure about it, but he hopes he will be able to use his voice when the time comes. For now, he settles with nodding slowly. The boy exhales, his body relaxing.
“Ok, that's good, that's good,” he mutters, more to himself than to Felix. What's with all the Korean? Felix wishes he would choose one language instead of mixing so much. It’s really not helping with his raging headache. “Let's start with something easy. Can you tell me your name?”
Felix has to force himself to not roll his eyes when he hears the question. It's the routine, Felix, he has to ask to make sure there is nothing wrong with your brain.
“Felix Lee,” he croaks. Well, that's a beginning. At least he got two words out without choking. The boy seems to be waiting for something, and when Felix realizes what it is he frowns. “Oh, my Korean name is Lee Yongbok.”
He tries his best not to grimace. The mirroring grimace in the boy's face tells him he hasn't done a great job about it. He seems to realize what he is doing, though, and his expression turns quickly into a proud look and a warm smile that reassures Felix. He must be doing something good.
“Good job. Your age?”
Felix's eyebrow lifts before he can control it. The questions are so basic he feels like an idiot answering them.
“Are you checking if I have a concussion or are you going to ask me out?”
The boy chuckles and huffs in annoyance.
“Well, at least it seems like your sense of humour hasn't been compromised.” He comments, his eyes shining with amusement. “But I must insist, age?”
Felix giggles, happy to have been able to lift the mood even if it is for just a second. He prefers this whole air of friendship than the worry, even though he still isn't sure who this person is.
“Twenty-one.”
“Perfect! You are doing great; we are almost done,” his answers seem to have cheered the boy up, the tension in his back easing. Felix notices that at some point he had laid back and is now resting leisurely on his hands. “Just one more, ok? Can you tell me where we are right now?”
Felix looks around, frowning. That question is rather more complicated than the others. No matter how much he thinks about it, he doesn't recognise this room at all. It's lights, it's blue walls and the floor to ceiling mirrors. It looks like a practice room of sorts, but he doesn't recognise it at all. Is it a practice room from uni that he has never been in? But why would he be here? He doesn't wander around much, always following the same routine, so this would have been a weird occurrence. The more he thinks about it the more confused he is.
“I'm… I'm not actually sure,” he mutters, biting his lower lip anxiously. “I guess it's some sort of practice room if we take the mirrors into account, but I could have sworn classes had been cancelled, with the storm and all of that. But… I guess you meant, like, something more general? So, if I just say the city, it would be ok too, right? Then, I must say I am in Sydney, Australia.” He finishes with a shrug, hoping his weird rambling is enough for this stranger.
However, the other's expression seems to sour in a second, and Felix feels a bout of panic bubbling inside of him. What did he say? What part of it was wrong? Is he not in a practice room? Because if that isn't the case this is a really weird room. Or is he not in Sydney? Had he maybe gotten drunk again with his friends and gone to another city in search of a party? Was that the reason of his confusion and his headache? Was he just hungover? That would explain the weird gaps in his memory, he supposes.
“Ummm… Lix…?” The boy sounds cautious, as if he were thinking how to say whatever is going on in his mind. “You are not in Australia. We are in Seoul, Korea. It's been five years since you moved here from Australia.”
Chan
Chan tries to be a good leader, he really does. Does that mean that sometimes he gets a little bit overbearing and can’t help but monitor the others’ livestreams in case they need his help? Maybe. He tries not to do it often, though. Not only does he not want to come off as a creep, but he also wants to give the others their space, their privacy; he wants them to feel secure and not observed. But he still does it for time to time. Just in case, just to give himself some peace of mind.
It was lucky, actually, that he was watching Felix’s live when the incident unfolded. He had been stuck on a song for the whole day, a million of unrelated things going around his head, tormenting his thoughts as he worried and worried about this and that. So, when the live notification appeared on his phone, he just clicked on it and relaxed, hoping that seeing one of his members communicating with Stay would help him out of his slump somehow.
Felix's live was going well, without a hitch actually. Apparently, he had reserved one of the practice rooms and was going to dance for a while with Stay. He had spent the first half hour simply reading comments and answering questions. After feeling satisfied enough with the teasing, he had started dancing. He began slowly, warming up with something silly to ease nerves and have fun with Stay. Chan had been smiling like a fool for the whole duration of that segment, giggling softly at the younger's antics. It was a given that Felix was a natural entertainer, but this was when he shined the brightest. Dancing was in his blood as much as it was in Minho's and Hyunjin's, but there was something about how much Felix enjoyed himself while dancing that seemed to enthral Chan. It didn't matter if he was being serious or not, it always made Chan's heart skip a bit.
He had gotten soon into the groove and had started dancing in earnest. Until then everything seemed normal, it was going great even. Chan kept head bopping at the rhythm of the music, getting lost in the lines and curves of Felix body. He probably would have missed it if he hadn't been looking at him so intently. It happened so quickly it took Chan a moment to realize what had happened. One moment Felix was dancing, giving his all to the choreography, the next one he had collapsed, falling to the floor in a silent heap, like a puppet whose strings have been cut.
Chan's heart rate slowed while his brain tried to keep up with what had happened. The music was still blasting through his headphones, as if it hadn't realized yet that there was no one dancing to it anymore, as if it had taken it some time to realize that something was wrong. It was the first scream what made Chan come back to reality. It wasn't Felix's but someone from their staff that was monitoring the live with the boy. It seemed like it had taken them a moment to realize what had happened too. Chan didn't wait for the live to disconnect, he had already gotten up and bolted through the door, running as fast as his legs would take, maybe even faster. Something had happened to Felix and there was no time to waste.
Chan feels like dying, he really does. As soon as they had realized that there was something wrong with Felix, they had left everything and run to the hospital. As the leader of the group, Chan had insisted on going with them, arguing that Felix might need someone to translate if he was still as confused as he had been after waking up. And here he is now, pacing up and down the hallway, trying not to pluck out every single hair in his head out of stress.
His phone keeps on pinging again and again, incessantly. The group chat, probably. The boys must be wondering what is going on, what has happened. He wishes he knew. The only thing he can think about now is how he is going to explain to Felix's parents what happened. How he's going to explain to them that he let something like this happen to their son even after they entrusted Chan with his care. For a second, he wishes to disappear.
“Will you stop that already?” Minho hisses from the chair where he is seated. He had insisted on coming with them when he saw the state Chan was in after questioning Felix. No one had been able to tell him no. No one usually can, anyway.
“And what, pray tell, am I supposed to stop?” Chan replies through gritted teeth, a tad harsher that he would have liked. This whole situation is starting to get to him, or so it seems.
“Mentally berating yourself,” Minho frowns. “It's almost like I can hear it from here. ‘What am I going to say to Mr and Mrs Lee.’ ‘I was supposed to take care of him and look what happened.’ ‘I should have paid more attention; this is all my fault.’” His voice gets high pitched in a sort of mocking way, as if trying to imitate Chan's inner voice. Funnily enough, he makes a good job at it. “I am getting stress wrinkles only thinking about it.”
“Well, I should have paid more attention. I should have realized he was exhausted. He has been working really hard lately, it was probably a matter of time. I should have stopped him and made him rest. I am a lousy leader,” Chan dips his head, feeling a deep rush of shame curl at the base of his stomach. He is the oldest, God damn it, if he doesn't take care of them, who will?
“Hyung, stop it, I am begging you. You couldn't have predicted that this would happen, none of us could,” Minho gets up and stands in front of him, forcing Chan to look him in the eyes. “Our Yongbokkie is good at hiding these things. He likes to give and give and almost never takes. And sometimes, it seems, he ends up snapping, just like the rest of us. We will take care of him from now on. There is no point in beating ourselves up for what has already happened, we can only look in front of us and try to mend it, ok?”
“Yeah but…”
“No ‘buts’, hyung. And no ‘ifs’ either. We don't know what may have happened, and we may never know. So, let's just be there for Felix when he gets out, ok?”
Chan sighs and nods, defeated. After all, there is no arguing with Minho, it there was, the younger would be in the dorms with the others instead of here, telling him off.
“You are right, you are right,” he shakes his head, trying to clear it off. “Let's not make this about me and help Lix with whatever he needs.”
Minho gives him that cat-like smile that is so characteristic of him. The one that makes it look like he is about to pounce on you. Sometimes Chan wonders if his friend isn't a real cat turned human. That would actually explain so many things.
“I'm glad you are thinking that, my dear hyung, since our small chick is coming right this way,” and he points a bony finger over Chan's shoulder.
Chan turns around so quickly it practically gives him whiplash. Felix and their manager are walking towards them. Chan looks at the blonde's face, searching for a confirmation that he is ok, that there's nothing wrong, but Felix is deep in thought, his gaze unfocused, lost somewhere in between his feet while he chews on his lower lip. Chan turns towards their manager, hoping to get his answers there, but the man just shakes his head, seemingly equally as lost as the younger one. Chan thinks he hasn't been this close to tears in a long while.
“So,” Minho breaks the awkward silence, and Chan couldn't be more grateful. He isn't really sure if anything more than a whine would have come out of his mouth if he had tried to speak, “is it bad?”
Their manager purses his lips and side glances at Felix, as if trying to gauge his reaction. However, the blonde just keeps on looking at his feet, biting his lower lip. Chan feels the need to engulf him in a hug and reassure him that everything will be ok. If he wasn't so worried, he would have probably caved in, but he needs to know if there is something wrong first.
“Well, they have run some tests on him and supposedly there is nothing wrong with him,” their manager sighs. He suddenly looks like he has aged ten years in a second. Chan can relate to that.
“So, he is ok?” Minho asks, still taking the lead while Chan keeps on only being able to gape at them.
“Well… yes and no. As I said, there is apparently nothing wrong with him, but it’s like the last five years of his life have been completely erased from his mind. He doesn't remember coming to Korea and becoming an idol. For him it's like he never left Australia.”
If Minho hadn't held his hand out and held Chan, he probably would have collapsed in that exact moment. What? How can that be possible? Chan feels like dying. This can't be happening, not now, not after all they have gone through recently.
“And… what… what does that mean?” Chan actually whimpers. He hadn't noticed before, but he has started gripping Minho's arm with more force than necessary. He forces himself to ease his grip and can feel the younger one exhaling in relief. “Sorry, Min.”
Minho shakes his head and pats Chan's arm reassuringly.
“What our precious leader wants to know is what is the diagnosis and how can we help, hyung,” Minho interjects, coming to the rescue once more. Chan doesn't know what's wrong with him. Why can't he behave like a functioning adult today? Has worry turned him completely brain-mushed?
“Well, they think it might be stress related,” he replies, shrugging awkwardly. “The doctor said they want to keep an eye on him just in case and that they want to run some more tests on him in the future, just to be sure that everything is normal. Until then, he needs lots of rest and avoiding stressful situations…” He stops, and looks again at Felix, looking conflicted. “The doctor has suggested a hiatus…”
His voice comes out as a whisper, almost too afraid to say it out loud, but for Chan it booms around him, and he feels like his legs could give out and stop holding him upright. But he holds, he doesn't know how, but he does. By his side, Minho has paled, and Chan can guess the younger one is feeling the same as him. Chan gulps. Well, this is not good, not good at all.
“A… a hiatus,” he manages to croak out, glancing at Felix, who keeps pretending like this isn't about him at all. Well, Chan thinks, sadly, it probably feels like that to him, doesn't it? After all, he doesn't remember any of it, any of us.
“Well, I still need to talk to the company, but I guess they will agree. We need to think about Yongbokkie's health first.”
Chan sees how Felix reacts to the name. It's subtle, really, really subtle, but he notices anyway. Felix has flinched to his Korean name again, an actual full body flinch, just like he used to do when he had just arrived in Korea. Chan feels his world crumbling around him. He really wants to cry. What has happened to make him regress so much from one moment to the next?
“Also…” their manager starts again. He looks unsure about how to tackle whatever he wants to say next. “Yongbokkie's Korean… it is unsteady somehow?” This time it's their manager's time to flinch. Chan glances briefly to Felix and sees his fists clenching slightly. “It's like it used to be, kinda, so maybe try to ease a bit around him? Until he gets the hang of it again?”
Chan nods, hoping the desperation he is feeling is not as apparent in his face as he feels it probably is. He needs to stay strong now, if he crumbles how will Felix feel? He has to be there for the younger one now, his feelings will come after, when he gets a moment to be alone and finally break down, when he gets to be Chris again. But not now, now he is Bang Chan, leader of Stray Kids, and he will act like it.
“Lix?” He asks, uncertainly, trying to get the blonde's attention. Felix finally lifts his gaze and looks at him. He looks lost and afraid, and there is not a hint of recognition in his eyes. Chan feels one step away from completely shattering. Chan switches to English. “Felix, are you ok? Do you need to rest for a bit?”
Felix's eyes water suddenly, and Chan fears he is going to start crying. But Felix just gulps audibly and nods, glancing to the side in a flustered sort of way.
“Ok, then. Let's get you home and let you rest for a bit, yeah?” He tells him, smiling with what he hopes is a reassuring smile. Then, he turns towards their manager. “Let's go to the dorms and let him sleep, hyung. Then we will decide what to do.”