Chapter Text
If you're going to kill him…" Merlin began. What the hell are you doing, Merlin? Arthur thought. "You'll have to kill me first."
"Merlin…" Arthur warned, not moving from where he was. "Step aside." He instructed. Listen to me for once damn it! He wanted to shout.
"You know I never do as I'm told…" Merlin spoke without looking from the Saxon. The Saxon in question drew his sword and pointed it at Merlin. Arthur's eyes had widened. He tried to lunge away from his captor only to freeze at the sound of a new voice.
That was a few days ago now. Arthur was back in his room, pacing back and forth between his wardrobe and his bed.
"How could he have been so stupid?" Arthur muttered to himself, finally settling on leaning on his desk.
"Is there an issue, sire?" Merlin spoke from behind him. Arthur jumped out of his skin. He hadn't heard Merlin come in. He looked over at Merlin. He didn't say anything. "Arthur?" He asked.
"Why…" Arthur asked. Merlin raised an eyebrow. Arthur saw what could only be called fear in Merlin's eyes.
"Why what, Arthur?" Merlin asked, his voice slightly trembling. Arthur continued to stare blankly for a few moments more. I need to compose my thoughts before I speak. He knew this. "Arthur…" Merlin spoke again.
"Why do you insist on risking your life?" Arthur spoke, his eyebrows knitted together. Merlin looked into Arthur's eyes as he spoke.
"I'll do anything to protect you, Arthur." Maintaining eye contact, Merlin took a step forward.
"My job is to protect you, and the entirety of Camelot." Arthur told him. Not looking away, Merlin spoke again.
"Your life is worth more than a hundred of mine." Arthur felt his chest turn cold at that. He hated that Merlin could think that. He prides himself in his equal views. If it ever came down to the life of one of his subject's or his own, he'd happily die a gruesome death. Especially on the occasion that the 'subject' was Merlin.
"How could you think that?" Arthur asked. He couldn't stand the thought that Merlin would think his life means less than Arthur's. Merlin just smiled.
"Arthur…" Merlin began, voice soft and caring. It was something so small, but something that he loved. With Merlin, he wasn't always the King of Camelot. He was free to just be Arthur and not some higher status man. Hearing Merlin call him Arthur made him feel more special than his official title ever could. So the thought of Merlin valuing his own life as less than Arthur's, was terrible. "I'm easily replaceable, you however are not." Those words broke Arthur. His breath hitched slightly. He wanted to shout at Merlin how he is irreplaceable and how Arthur values him so much and how he may be able to get a servant to do work even half as good as what Merlin does, but he could never find another friend half as amazing as Merlin. He wants to scream it at the top of his lungs how he is so important to everyone - especially to Arthur - and how he could never forgive himself if something were to happen to him.
He wanted to tell him how much he loved him… With tears in his eyes, Arthur stepped forward slowly, giving Merlin the chance to back away if he wanted to. When Arthur had finally stopped, he was inches from Merlin. Arthur slowly lifted his hand to Merlin's cheek. He placed it gently, cupping his cheek. He looked into Merlin's eyes again. Merlin's light blue eyes were slightly darker than usual.
"You, Merlin…" Arthur spoke softly as if trying not to scare Merlin away. He leaned in, closer to Merlin. He could feel Merlin's breath, something he usually hated. But with Merlin, he could learn to love anything. "You are irreplaceable." He spoke before he gently placed a kiss on Merlin's lips.
Merlin froze for a moment and Arthur feared he may run, but instead, Merlin brought a hand up to Arthur's cheek and gave him a light kiss back. Arthur felt his cheeks warm up. Arthur opened his eyes only to be met with Merlin's closed ones. Arthur leaned his forehead against Merlin's.
"Do not ever think your life is worth less than mine again." Arthur spoke sternly. Merlin opened his eyes and smiled slightly.
"I can't promise you I won't jump before a sword to save you." Merlin spoke in a joking manner, but Arthur understood what he wasn't kidding. Arthur, despite not wanting to, slowly let go of Merlin. It was now that he seemed to realise the truth of what he'd done. What if Merlin felt forced into this because of the power dynamics between them.
"I'm sorry…" Arthur says, stepping away from Merlin. He walked back to his desk, avoiding Merlin's gaze with his own. "Please, uhh… take a few days off. Help Gaius." He told him looking up at the ceiling with his eyes as his head remained directly at the window.
"But sire-"
"Go!" Arthur snapped. Merlin did not move for a few moments, but he did turn and walk out of the room.
Once Arthur heard the door shut, he let his knees and elbows buckle and he fell to the ground. He closed his eyes and let his tears fall. He situated himself so that his knees were at his chest while his back was to his desk. Arthur hadn't cried in years and the reason he had cried that time was the thought of losing Merlin too. And now he had kissed the man. Arthur wanted to kiss him. He really did and he thought Merlin wanted to kiss him too. But what if Merlin only did because of the power imbalance as much as Arthur tells his servant and his knights to treat him no differently than they treat one another, he knew it was no use sometimes.
"Why do I have to love him?" Arthur asked himself aloud. His eyes welled up once more. He hated that Merlin may have felt pressured into kissing him. It was something he never wanted to believe, but he knew it was possible, probable, even.