Chapter Text
Tubbo didn’t remember when it started. It started small. It was just breakfast at first. He’s start his morning off with just a coffee instead of eggs, bacon and orange juice. Eventually it changed from just breakfast to breakfast and lunch. because he would just sleep through both, he had nothing better to do anyways. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t skip dinner. It would always be ‘come over for family dinner night’ or his friends would be over and of course he has to eat something with them or they’d think something was wrong. so he did. and no one suspected a thing. until ranboo moved in with him. Everything was fine at first. Ranboo knew Tubbo had a fucked up sleep schedule so he didn’t question when the boy slept till 2pm.
Ranboo didn’t question when Tubbo didn’t eat dinner cause he was live, eating something live was hard because you have so many eyes on you; so many people commenting. At least that’s what Tubbo said. Ranboo didn’t see what Tubbo was doing as a problem. He basically did the same thing subconsciously. not all the time. He usually ate when Tubbo was live so that Tubbo didn’t have to see him eat. He didn’t really care too much about his weight, he just figured it would be kind of nice to shave off a few pounds. It wasn’t getting dangerous or anything. Longest he’d go without eating was 22 hours. He never counted calories because in his mind it didn’t matter. He didn’t have an eating disorder or anything. He just wanted to be healthy. He gained quite a bit of weight about 2 months before moving in with Tubbo so he was just getting rid of it in a way he knew how to. He’d also do the occasional workout when he was still at home but now living with Tubbo he didn’t want the other to think he was weird.
Tubbo also didn’t see what he was doing as an issue. Lots of people did it right? He’d never seen Ranboo eat and Ranboo’s okay. He looks fantastic, he probably feels fantastic; unlike Tubbo. Tubbo felt like shit. He felt fat. He didn’t feel like he fit properly in his clothes and he fully believed that Ranboo could see his fat, he was basically popping the seams on his clothes. So after a month and a half of Tubbo skipping all meals and only eating little low calorie snacks at 3 in the morning he started to feel dizzy every time he stood up. But he believed that everyone who was not him felt that way. He thought that that was normal, that he was finally normal for feeling that. Though he still felt he was bursting out of his clothes. He did everything he could to get rid of that feeling. The amount of times he’d force himself to puke to get rid of the fat was far too many. But thankfully, Ranboo never found out.
After that first month and a bit of Ranboo being at Tubbo’s; he’d stopped his eating issue. He meant it when he said he didn’t have a problem. he felt happy in his own skin and he’d started eating normally again. Once Ranboo had gained his energy back he noticed Tubbo. The boy never ate, never went by food and refused to look at food. He’d never go anywhere near the kitchen if he didn’t have to. He’d ask Ranboo to get him water or make him coffee. He’d never do it himself and if Ranboo was busy and said he couldn’t, Tubbo just wouldn’t have anything.
Ranboo eventually started to notice his Tubbo’s clothes had gotten suspiciously large on him all of a sudden. At first he thought that Tubbo just started buying bigger clothes but when Ranboo looked at the size tag it was only a medium. He didn’t ask Tubbo about it though. He just continued to quietly observe the younger's actions.
After a few more weeks Ranboo noticed Tubbo’s movements slowed down and the bathroom visits got more frequent. His showers had gotten longer and even just using the washroom took a while. Tubbo only seemed to wear long sleeves now.
When Tubbo was streaming, Ranboo searched around. He looked in the washroom and prayed that his suspicions were wrong. He prayed that Tubbo was okay, that he was just over thinking. But when he opened a drawer and saw a little box he opened it. He froze and felt tears well in his eyes. It was just a little box. Who would’ve thought that would be so scary. It had 2 bloody razor blades and bandaids in it. Ranboo felt sick. He left the small box on the counter and left the washroom. He made his way to Tubbos bedroom and opened the bedside drawer. He found one there too. He grabbed that one and shoved it in his pocket. When he looked a little more he found a small book. He grabbed it and opened it.
February 2nd 2022
i didn’t think I'd actually ever write in this. my therapist from 2020 gave it to me. She said I should write down my thoughts. I stopped seeing her last year but y’know that’s irrelevant. I’m writing now so maybe that’s all that matters. Anyways to talk about what i opened this book for in the first place;
I think I've gained weight? I think that’s a good thing though. My doctor said you gain weight as you get taller so maybe i’m just getting taller. I feel taller kind of. I can reach higher than I could last month or maybe I'm just trying more. I think I need to size up my clothes to a large from them to fit comfortably, which I don't really like. Ran and I are moving in together at some point next year. I’m excited for that. maybe by then i’ll be back in a medium. so I think i just have to workout maybe. We’ll see, I'll start working out and everything will be okay.
Sincerely, Toby
Ranboo read quietly. He was now sitting on the bed as he flipped to the next page.
February 27th 2022
I’ve been working out every day since I last wrote and I’ve seen no progress. If anything I've gained more. I don’t fit into my favourite jeans anymore which is disappointing. I think I need to make my meal portions smaller by a scoop or two. Or I could try dieting but I think my parents would notice. I think my body may just not be used to working out yet. this is how it works right? you gain before you lose. I think I've heard that before. I just hope this goes away soon.
Sincerely, Toby
|
|
|
|
March 18th 2022
I’ve actually lost some of the weight!! The workout and smaller portions are working. I’ve lost 7.5 pounds since I last wrote. I know that’s not a lot but it feels like a lot. I fit into my jeans again, and i don’t have to go up to a large anymore. We went to the doctors the other day, turns out I didn't get taller. I just kind of started gaining weight for no particular reason. it’s kind of annoying to know that i gain weight that easily though.
Sincerely, Toby
|
|
|
|
May 17th 2022
it’s been a while i guess. I’m moving out of my house in August. I have to live alone for a good few months before Ranboo moves in. Hopefully I can maintain my weight. I don’t want Ranboo to think i’m fat. I’ve been okay recently. thought i stopped eating breakfast about a month ago.
it's not on purpose or anything, i just don’t feel hungry when i wake up anymore. I don’t think it’s a problem, I know so many people that don’t eat breakfast. What does it matter if I do or don’t?
write again soon,
Sincerely, Toby
So that’s when it started. if started in April 2022. Tubbo hadn't eaten breakfast in over a year.
November 2nd 2022
I hate summer. I'm so glad it’s over. I don't understand how people can just walk around in shorts and be happy with themselves. I can't wear shorts without wanting to rip my fatass thighs off my body. I’ve been officially moved in for about 2 months now. it still doesn’t really feel like home. It's weird without my parents. there’s like… nothing stopping me from doing anything. It’s also Ran’s birthday today. When I called he sounded well. He's really excited to move in. I’m not sure I'm as excited as he is though.
Sincerely, Toby
|
|
|
|
February 21st 2023
It's been a couple months since I've last written. Thankfully, I lost more weight. I work out a lot more now and I stopped eating lunch too. I can’t really skip dinner. Something always gets in the way. Someone’s always over, or someone always wants to go out, or my family always wants me over because they miss me.
I just want peace and quiet to skip my meals. Is that too much to ask? Maybe things will be different once Ranboo moves in.
Sincerely, Toby
|
|
|
|
April 24th 2023
Ranboo moves in next month. I’m scared.
Sincerely, Toby
|
|
|
|
May 5th 2023
I think I did something stupid. I just wanted it off. I just wanted the fat gone, I swear.
I think I need stitches.
Sincerely, Toby
*update*
I got stitches. only 4. Hopefully it’ll heal before Ranboo gets here. Though it’s on my stomach so it’s not too hard to hide.
Sincerely, Toby (again)
|
|
|
|
June 23rd 2023
Ranboo has officially been moved in for 2 weeks. I got my stitches out. but there’s still a scar. It's kind of cool though.
I don’t think Ranboo’s noticed anything weird about my eating. I’ve never seen him eat though which is odd. Sometimes I wonder if he’s like me. if he’s obsessed with his weight like me. but then i remember that no one is like me! so that throws that idea out the window. I hope he’s okay though. He looks okay if you ask me. but looks can be deceiving sometimes. I mean look at me, I look fine. I just look sort of overweight, that's all.
Sincerely, Toby
|
|
|
|
July 28th 2023
I’ve been seeing Ranboo eat more. He still looks good though I don’t understand. I’ve been starving myself for months and i still look fucking fat. I need more clothes. I feel like I'm bursting out of these ones again. I was right about things changing once Ranboo got here, I don't remember the last time I had dinner.
I’ve started self harming too. I know I shouldn’t but it helps me cope with my stomach pain. it moves the pain to my arm instead. I can handle that. and it keeps my mind quiet. I’m scared I'll need stitches again. but i can’t see myself going very deep on my arm. I wanna eventually wear short sleeves again.
I feel dizzy whenever I stand now. actually. Now that I think of it. I've felt like that for a while. I think it’s more noticeable now though. sometimes my vision goes spotty and i can’t see? but I've never passed out. This is what normal people feel like right? Maybe I'm normal now. I think Ranboo notices how I don't go near the kitchen. I think he’s growing suspicious of my streaming only at dinner. But he doesn’t know, right? I look the same, I act the same. I don't see anything different when I look in the mirror (which I avoid if possible). The only thing that’s different is the cuts along my arms.
But then there’s sometimes when I look in the mirror and I don't look like myself. I look like a different person. sometimes… sometimes i think i’m dying.
Sincerely, Toby
Ranboo kept the book open on that page and wiped away the tears that welled in his eyes. That one was written 2 days ago. Ranboo flipped the page again to see if there was any more. there was one more.
July 29th 2023
um, so. Ranboo was out today and I passed out for the first time. It was really brief. like as soon as i hit the floor i was back up but that’s still kind of scary.
The day i first wrote in this book was February 2022. i said i’d gained weight and basically said i wanted to lose a bit before i moved in with ranboo. i can say that i’ve done that.
That February 2nd 2022 I weighed 166.4 pounds. Today, i weighed 103.2 pounds. and I feel like a fucking failure. I know I can go lower. it cannot be that difficult. All I want is 99. All I want is double digits. I’m not going to stop until I get double digits, even if Ranboo somehow finds out. I need to lose weight.
Sincerely, Toby
Ranboo put a hand over his mouth and let out a quiet sob. At this rate Toby was going to die, and by the sounds of it Ranboo wasn’t going to be able to stop it. Ranboo put the book back where he found it and walked out of Tubbos. On his way out he threw about the blade he’d found. He tried to compose himself before he walked back into the stream/living room but he couldn’t. When he walked in, he wiped his eyes. but as soon as he saw Tubbo he burst into tears. He looked so thin and just fragile . Tubbo looked over at Ranboo. “hey chatters i have to go. I'll stream again tomorrow” is all Tubbo said and he quickly ended stream. He went over to Ranboo, not without seeing black spotted vision first; how he liked it. He put a hand on Ranboo’s shoulder. “What happened? is everything okay?”
Ranboo shook his head. “I found—“ Ranboo couldn’t get words out. How was he supposed to talk to Tubbo about Tubbo . Ranboo just decided to walk back into Tubbo’s room and grab the book. Tubbo’s face paled. So Ranboo found out.
“Toby I don’t— I don’t want you doing this to yourself…” Ranboo never called him Toby.
“Ran i’m not… i’m okay i swear”
“okay? you’re not okay! double digits?? you cannot want that Toby. You’ll be in the hospital.”
“No, I'm okay Ranboo. it’s only be 4 more pounds”
“then 4 will turn into 5, and 5 will turn into 10. Toby, you need help.”
“what? why?”
“cause you— you have an eating disorder Toby.”
Tubbo froze. He didn’t think he had an eating disorder. He wasn’t doing anything wrong. wanting to lose weight wasn’t a disorder. He was just trying to get healthy. He hadn’t seen Ranboo eat for like three weeks, does that mean he had an eating disorder?
Tubbo sat down on this bed. He didn’t think he had a problem. He didn’t feel like he had a problem. Sure the passing out was a little scary but it was short, as soon as he hit the floor he was up again. And yes, maybe his vision goes dark whenever he stands up, but who doesn’t?
Ranboo sat down next to him. “I don’t want to see you hurting like this…” Ranboo said quietly. Tubbo burst into sobs and dropped his hands into his hands. “You don’t have to watch,” Tubbo said through sobs.
“what?” Ranboo questioned.
“you could leave, i’m not stopping you”
Ranboo but a hand on Tubbo’s back and Tubbo immediately moved away. It was as if Ranboo has just burned him. Tubbo was looking at Ranboo with wide eyes.
“Toby i’m not going anywhere” Ranboo said putting his hand back down on his own lap.
“I just thought because you said—“ “Toby. I’m not leaving you to suffer alone like this..”
“maybe you should…” Tubbo said quietly. He got up off the bed and walked out of the room. Ranboo quickly followed. “Tubbo I can help you, I can—“ Ranboo shut his mouth before he could cry again. He watched as Tubbo stopped walking. “Toby, I'm scared. I’m scared for you cause I—“ Ranboo let the tears roll down his cheeks and drip onto the floor. “You mean so much to me Toby, and I'm scared that if you keep doing this you’re going to die and I don’t know what I'd do..”
There was a moment of silence until Tubbo sobbed and dropped to his knees on the floor. He put a hand over his mouth and just cried. Ranboo ran over and slid down next to him. He wrapped his arms around the younger and held him. Tubbo clung onto Ranboo for dear life. “i don’t wanna die” he quietly cried.
“I know, I know Toby. I can help you, I promise, I can get you help…” Ranboo whispered into tubbo’s hair. The two sat on the floor for what felt like hours.
At some point Ranboo had carried Tubbo onto the couch and he had fallen asleep. When Tubbo woke up he had a blanket laid over him and his pillow under his head. He looked up and saw Ranboo at the stream set up.
“I don’t know.. I’ve been looking at these for hours and nothing seems like it would be good.” He heard Ranboo speak as he scrolled through something. “and I don’t know if that’s just because i wouldn’t want to go or i don’t want them to go” Tubbo sat up and wiped his eyes. His head spun as he looked around the room. He slowly stood up off the couch in an attempt to keep his vision from going splotchy; it didn’t work. Tubbo swayed back and forth for a moment before he caught himself.
Ranboo turned around and saw Tubbo, “oh hi! i didn’t think you’d wake up yet uh,” he quickly turned back around, closed his tab and muted his mic on the call he was on. Tubbo slightly tilted his head to the side, “what were you doing?” He asked quietly.
“searching up stream ideas, nothing special” Tubbo hummed in response. He kept walking to his room.
“where are you going?” Ranboo asked.
“to my room to sleep?”
“could you— would you be okay sleeping on the couch tonight?…” Ranboo asked quietly and picked at his fingers.
“Can I ask why?”
“I just— I feel like it would be better if you slept in here for tonight. I was gonna sleep in here too”
Tubbo slowly blinked, “yeah, whatever. i’m just gonna change then”
Ranboo nodded and Tubbo walked to his room and shut the door. Ranboo went back to what he was doing.
July 30th 2023
Ranboo found out about everything. I’m almost 90% sure he read all the things I've written. I know it’s not a lot of days that i’ve written but it has all the things I tried to keep a secret. From the day I opened this book I swore I'd keep everything I wrote in it a secret. I guess not anymore. I don’t want him to tell anyone though, i’m scared that if he does people will think i’m a freak. They’ll think I'm weird and stop talking to me. I know Ranboo is gonna do that soon. He says he won’t leave but I know that’s not true. He’s gonna get sick of me and move out; and maybe that would be for the better. I don’t want that but if he does that’s okay. and i know that this really isn’t a big deal but Ranboo really thinks it is. also, hi ranboo, if you’re reading.
I just want things to go back to how they used to be. before ranboo knew. Ranboo kept saying how he was gonna ‘get me help’ but i don’t think i need help, i’m okay. i’m not sure what he’s talking about. I just don’t want to get fat.
Sincerely, Toby
Tubbo walked out of his room and looked at Ranboo who still had his eyes glued to the computer screen. Tubbo squinted his eyes and tried to see what he was looking at.
‘How to help someone with an eating disorder’
Was typed into the search bar. Tubbo felt sick. He raised a hand to cover his mouth as he calmly walked to the washroom. He couldn’t get the door closed properly before he dropped to his knees and threw up nothing but bile. He flushed the toilet and just sat there for a minute, resting his arm on the toilet seat. The door opened and Ranboo walked inside.
“Are you okay?” Ranboo asked, crouching down next to him. Tubbo nodded and closed his eyes. “You don’t have to help me,” he said quietly. Ranboo didn’t say anything.
“I don’t want you to tell anyone about this… please..” Tubbo quietly begged. Ranboo bit his lip and slowly nodded, “I won’t tell anyone…” Ranboo grabbed a washcloth and gently wiped Tubbo’s mouth. Tubbo pushed him away, “you don’t have to do this…”
“I want to. I want to help you” Ranboo said.
“Why though. When have I ever helped you?”
“you help me without even knowing and sometimes that’s enough. But Toby, I really care about you, and I need you to know that. I want to help you because you need help.”
“I— I can do it on my own, I swear. cause i’m not like, not okay”
“Toby could we just— could you just step on the scale?”
Tubbo held his breath. Ranboo helped him up off the ground and pulled out the scale.
“I-I know you read the book so just— i how much i weighed” Tubbo said, stepping away from the scale. He didn’t want to see how high it had gotten.
“please Toby…”
Tubbo walked forward and put a foot on the scale.
“could i hold whatever’s in your pockets?” Ranboo asked.
“oh yeah, uhm” Tubbo took his foot off the scale. He handed Ranboo his phone, airpods and a pen.
“Anything else?”
Tubbo hesitantly pulled a tiny box out of his pocket. Ranboo immediately knew what it was. He carefully slipped it into his pocket as Tubbo stepped on the scale. Tubbo’s eyes lit up as the number popped up. 99.4. Ranboo immediately picked Tubbo up off the scale and brought him out of the bathroom. “Ran wait—“ Tubbo wanted that feeling back. He wanted to step on the scale again and see that double digit number. “Ranboo put me down, I'm not a child!”
Ranboo put Tubbo down on the couch.
“Look. there’s 4 ways we can do this. you can let me help you. I can call your parents and get them to help. I can call a doctor so you get professional help. or we can call sleepybois and get them to help. because i know you may have liked what you just saw on the scale but that’s fucking terrifying.”
“I don't need help, Ranboo. there’s nothing wrong with me!!”
“you are starving yourself to death. and you keep fuckin— you keep cutting yourself. and you’re passing out, and you’re moving slower, and i know when you do eat it’s typically thrown up. And I know that you don’t want to die. and by continuing to live like this, and not get help. you are going to die.”
These last words were almost like a reality check for Tubbo. He was going to die. but at that exact moment; he didn’t care. He was finally in double digits, he couldn’t stop now.
“Which is it?” Ranboo asked. Tubbo shook his head, “none. I don't need help.”
“you’re sick—“ “i’m not!”
“What happens when Tommy finds out? Scratch that. what happens when your younger sisters find out. find out that their older brother has been starving himself to death for over a year now.”
“I don’t know.” is all Tubbo said.
“So you want to find out? cause i can call them all right now. I can get Tommy to come over right now and see what you’ve done to yourself.”
“Why are you being such an asshole?!” Tubbo shouted.
“Because I'm scared! I don’t know what to do and I'm scared because you don’t even seem to care that you could drop dead soon.”
“You said you won’t tell anyone and now you’re going on and one saying how you’re gonna fucking tell everyone!! Ranboo i meant it when i said i didn’t want anyone knowing.”
“I understand that but—“ “no buts!! you promised!” Tubbo had tears falling down his cheeks and he couldn’t stop them.
“Then let me help you.. I know you said you don’t need help but you do. you really, really do Tubbo you weighed just over 160 pounds last february. you’ve lost 60 pounds because you’ve been starving yourself…”
“I just… I don't feel sick or anything. maybe if it gets worse then—“ “gets worse? it’s already gotten worse. how much worse do you want it to get?”
“I just want to be thin. I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of feeling like and looking like I weigh a million pounds. i don’t understand how you can eat whatever the fuck you want and still be thin, yet i’ve been starving myself for months and i still look fucking overweight.”
“Toby, you don’t look overweight, you look sick.”
Tubbo scoffed. Ranboo pulled him over to a mirror. (and god did he forget how much he hated looking in them. he was so fucking fat it was—) Ranboo pulled up the bottom of Tubbo’s shirt and exposed his stomach. Tubbo stared at his scarily visible ribs. He looked at how his stomach curved in on itself and how small his waist was. and suddenly. he didn’t like it anymore. Suddenly, he realized that something needed to change, and it started with him. He broke down. He hugged his stomach and sobbed. Ranboo dropped tubbo’s shirt and held him. The two slowly dropped to the ground. “i-i want your help. p-please. i know i can be a lot, b-but no matter how much i’m gonna fuckin h-hate you for this i need you to help me” Tubbo said between sobs.
“I can do that. I promise .”
“please don’t let me get fat…”