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i. Farkle never remembers his dreams, but he wakes up with heavy breaths, trying to keep his scream in.
They're at Topanga's and they're holding hands, holding hands like nothing matters, holding hands like this is A Normal Thing That Friends Do because they are friends, nothing more, and Lucas looks over at him and says: "Can we talk outside?"
Their hands never break, and once outside, Lucas says, "What are we doing, Farkle?"
"What do you mean?"
He pulls away. "This thing between us. We can't just keep on ignoring it."
"What thing between us? There's a thing between us? Because last I checked there was no thing, only a friendship thing, and okay, maybe there is a thing but it's a platonic thing and we're friends and okay, maybe we're holding hands but that's a thing that friends do, right? We have no thing. There is no thing between us. Things don't happen. I mean, things are happening all the time, but not between us because we're friends, and... please shut me up. Why can't I stop talking? I want to stop talking but the words just keep coming, and Lucas, I -"
Lucas stops him, pulls him into a quick kiss that doesn't last as long as Farkle thinks it should, because in dreams kisses should last at least three minutes, maybe longer, but. Farkle can't control this, and it's over before Farkle realizes what's happening.
"Oh," he says, finally. "That thing between us. Yeah. That's... definitely a thing."
He knows this is a dream instantly, because they're holding hands and for them, holding hands isn't a Normal Thing That Friends Do. It's weird. Save Smackle, he's never held hands with any of his friends, not really, because his friends aren't like that. Riley and Maya hold hands all the time, but as much as Farkle adores them, he knows there's probably something going on there, a thing-between-them-that's-not-a-friendship-thing-because-holding-hands-isn't-a-normal-thing-that-friends-do-and-Farkle-never-thinks-about-holding-Lucas'-hand-for-this-reason-and -
"You like Riley," Farkle says. "Riley likes you. You're Lucas and Riley! And I'm..."
"You're what?"
Farkle is watching himself, his body. His body is trying not to cry.
Farkle just wants to wake up.
"I'm your best friend, Lucas. That's all I'll ever be. I'm sorry."
Farkle-or-Farkle's-body walks away.
Lucas lets him.
Farkle can never remember his dreams, and maybe that's for the better, but he remembers this one.
ii. Farkle has never thought about Lucas in that way.
Lucas Friar is cute and dreamy and nice and loyal and okay, maybe Farkle has noticed these things a few times, but that's because Lucas is his best friend, and best friends are supposed to admire each other's qualities.
Best friends are supposed to think about each other all the time.
Best friends are supposed to miss each other.
Best friends are supposed to daydream about each other. Farkle has only done this once or twice, but every time he daydreams about Lucas, he thinks about -
Oh no.
iii. Maybe Farkle thinks of him in that way.
His crush is small enough to ignore, he figures. He can ignore it if he doesn't pay attention to Lucas when they're sitting next to each other and he can ignore it if they sit on opposite sides of the table at lunch and he can ignore it if they never touch and he can ignore it if they never meet up after school. It's easy. He stops being around Lucas for a while, and it goes away.
His crush is small enough to ignore, he figures. Until they get paired up for a class project.
iv.
"Hey," Lucas says. "So, for the project, I was thinking we could -"
"I can't do the project with you, Lucas," Farkle says, quickly, because if he says it quickly then maybe Lucas won't hear it, maybe Lucas will ignore him like Farkle is ignoring his crush, maybe -
"What? Why not?"
It didn't work. "Because... I can't."
"Are you mad at me, or something?
Farkle gives a sad laugh. "No, I'm not."
"Then why -"
"I can't, okay? I'm... sick." He fake-coughs. "Really, really bad cold. I might have to stay home for... the rest of forever. Sorry."
Farkle turns to get up, but Lucas catches him, takes his hand.
"Farkle, what's really going on?"
"Nothing. It's nothing. I shouldn't be making such a big deal out of this."
Lucas squeezes his hand. "Is someone bullying you again? Be honest with me."
"Yeah," Farkle says.
"Who?"
"Me."
"You're bullying yourself?" Lucas asks. "I don't understand."
"I'm bullying myself," Farkle sighs. "I'm bullying myself because there's a lot of things going on in my head right now, and I think I can ignore them and make them go away but I can't. I'm beating myself up. I'm tearing myself apart. So, I can't do the project with you, because..."
Oh. "Because of me, right?"
"Yeah," Farkle nods. "Because of you."
"Why didn't you just tell me?"
"Because we're best friends." Farkle looks away. "We're best friends, and I - I have to go now."
vi. Farkle hides out in the janitor's closet with his laptop the next day, and gets an F on his project. The very first F he's ever gotten in his life.
He never should have told Lucas. He should have kept his mouth shut, should have done his project, should have been okay, but Lucas held his hand and it was exactly like his dream. He can't continue living like this. He can't look Lucas in the eye ever again.
It's probably best for Farkle to stay away from Lucas. He can only ruin things. He only knows how to destroy.
He sighs, and folds his hands together, trying to recreate the feeling of Lucas' hand in his own. Failing.
He's near tears, when the door opens and Lucas walks in.
"Lucas, I -"
"Shut up," Lucas says, and pulls him into a kiss that's deep and extended and when Farkle finally pushes away, he sighs, "I'm sorry, did I just make a huge mistake?"
"No," Farkle says, and then, "Why did you do that?"
"Because I like you."
Farkle shakes his head. "You don't."
"There's a thing between us. We can't just ignore it."
Farkle gives an okay and kisses him again, imagines for a second that everything in the world is okay and it's just Farkle Minkus and Lucas Friar forever and ever, until the ends of the Earth, and knows that it's unrealistic but he's kissing the boy that he likes and for a few moments, he can forget about the fact that nothing works out the way it should.
"Will you go back to class now?" Lucas asks, later.
"I guess," Farkle says.
They walk back to history class, and their hands never break.